The Play in California

Once an A, Always an A

noreply@blogger.com (Ace of Spades) — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 10:36:00 +0000

The Great Giambino is coming back to the Bay!

Having enough Steroids in New York and unsuccessfully trying to start the good ol' Californian In-N-Out in the Big Apple, Jason Giambi has finally come to his senses and crawled back to where he started his major league career: Oakland--the only place where he won an AL MVP.

Could this be another return of the swinging A's who just didn't care about anything and won all the time to make the playoffs and lose in the first round again? Giambi and Matt Holliday must mean thousands of homeruns and RBIs. Could Oakland finally attract more fans? Can Eric Chavez get off his injured ass and play baseball? What are the possibilities of the A's bringing back Miguel Tejada?

Are people really going to be excited for some Athletics baseball this season? Well, we're just going to have to wait and see. And if Giambi want to survive in Oakland, SERIOUSLY, lose the thong and 'stache. Oakland....NO WAY!

Just finishing a 7-year deal worth $120 million from the Yankees making $23.5 million the last season, I find it funny how his $5 million buyout from the Yankees is more than what he's going to earn playing for the A's next year. This Oakland deal is a HUUUUUUUGE paycut, worth only $4.5 million for next year with a club option for.....BLAH BLAH BLAH who cares.....enjoy:

That Game Just Sucked The Soul Out Of Me

noreply@blogger.com (KC Cal) — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 19:23:00 +0000

Dear Texas (or should I say Teyyy-haaaasss!) and Ohio State,

I would like to give both of you fine schools a congratulatory fuck you.

First off, before I get a spew of hate mail, I would just like to clarify: I have nothing personal against your schools. I’m sure both schools are fine institutions academically and boast quite an excellent athletic program. Also, Texas girls are hot, just look at Colt McCoy’s girlfriend.

Okay, okay, she’s technically from Baylor, but whatever, close enough. And hot enough.

So why I’m I so angry at these two fine colleges? Well currently I am in a college bowl pool. Think of it as March Madness, but for college football. All you need is a catchy name like Winter War, January Jackup, or my favorite, December Dysentery. The way it works is each bowl is worth a point total from 1-34. Normally you assign confidence points yourself to the bowl game of your choosing, but I thought that was lame. I mean really, who is going to give a high caliber close to call game 34 points? People are going to 1 point that game, and I call shenanigans on that. Gambling should not be made easy. Thus in our pool, we made the high tier games (BCS Bowl, Holiday Bowl, Cotton Bowl) worth big points and the not so important ones (Papa John Bowl, International Bowl) worth less points. That’s how you make it challenging.

Unfortunately for me, I am last in the pool.

I’m The Mirror Masters. I have a thing for naming my fantasy teams after comic book characters, no matter how obscure they are. I’m a nerd. Sue me.

I’m pretty much dead in this pool, but yesterday, it was not the case, as I had a legit chance of winning until yesterday. You see, I was about 30 points away from being in the money, and yesterday’s Fiesta Bowl was worth 31 points. Everyone else picked Texas to win, but I felt my only shot at gaining some momentum was with Ohio St, since they were such considerable underdogs. Thus, I was the only one to pick Ohio St.

Then a miracle happened, they started to win! Yep with about 1 minute left in the game, they were unbelievably up 21-17. All they had to do was stop Texas with about 50 seconds left in the game. Easy task right?

Fuck. That’s all I can say. Fuck.

Really Ohio State? You couldn’t hold them for 40 goddamn seconds! I mean c’mon, you held a high profile Texas offense to 17 points all game, and you can’t hold them in 40 seconds. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

And to you Mr. Colt McCoy. Fuck you and your perfect life. Why did you have to belt one out? All I wanted was to win a lousy 50 dollar pool. You’d still have your NFL future, your hot girl friend, groupies, etc. Thanks a lot.

And whoopty do for Texas. They win ANOTHER BCS bowl. Meanwhile, Cal fans are just happy for scraps and pieces of the Emerald Bowl.

Ugh. I feel like Joe Lunardi after his Bracketology goes in the crapper year in and year out.

God, what a mess.

Three Easy Steps To Reporting the Chris Mortensen Way

noreply@blogger.com (KC Cal) — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 18:07:00 +0000

Step One: Getting the Scoop

“Oh, what a great day for reporting. It’s nice a breezy here and Bristol. Let’s see what’s going on in the NFL today. Hmm…. LaDanian got injured in San Diego’s win against the Colts. Boring. The Dolphins are playing the Ravens today? Ugh, I’m not sure if anyone is even watching that game. Hm…., I need a scoop, I need a scoop…. Let’s check my e-mail.

Opens gmail. Subject: Please help the Prince of the Southern Villiage of Abukenza and You Will bE HandSomly ReWarded.

“Hmm… this could be spam… or it could be a lead! Let’s see, say I help this supposed prince, that means I would be rewarded with something, maybe a share in a football team! And not just any football team, but the Oakland Raiders. This obviously means the Raiders are selling their team! It makes perfect sense. Oh, those Raiders think they’re such a slippery bunch, but they can’t get past the keen intellect of Chris Mortenson. Muahaha!”

Step Two: Reporting the Story on ESPN.

“In order to report a good story, we need to make it believable. People love facts and numbers, so let’s just say the Raiders are selling, oh I don’t know, 10 percent of their stake. That’s a nice round number. And who would be interested in buying? Hm… I need a name… need a name. Well yesterday, I was watching The Adventures of Lois and Clark. It starred Dean Cain… Dean! That’s a perfect name. Now for a last name. Superman works in Metropolis. I got it, Dean Metropolis, and to make it plausible, let’s just misspell that last name. Now it’s Dean Metropoulis. Perfect! Mortenson, you’ve done it again!”

Step Three: Deny Accountability.

“What’s all this gibberish about the Raiders not happy about my reporting? I am an award winning football analyst, not some no talent hack blogger. I have real scoops and real tips, how dare Al Davis question my reporting ability! I know what I’ll do; I’ll just turn it back on him:

"The Raiders have lost the privilege with me of running stories past them for comment. This stems from their history of denials to most stories I have reported -- as well as others in the media -- when those stories have eventually proven to be true. The latest example is I reported that Al Davis planned to interview Giants offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride and, of course, the story was trashed by a team spokesman."

Take that Al. Now, thanks to my crafty spin play, you are the bad guy. No one questions Chris Mortenson, no one! MUAHAHAHA, I am an evil mastermind genius low tier NFL reporter, fear my story making abilities!”

“Chris Mortensen reporting for ESPN, this just in: Suck it, Raiders.”

Youtube Sundays: The Real Will Leitch 'Costas Now' Segment

noreply@blogger.com (The Filler Guy) — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 17:24:00 +0000

Douchebags. Douchebags. Douchebags. And then more Douchebags.

Time To Taunt The Crowd While Billy Volek Wins The Game For Me.... Again!

noreply@blogger.com (KC Cal) — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 18:58:00 +0000

Remember this last year Indy? Remember when I stood on the sideline while Billy Volek was the proverbial hammer driving the nail I call "losing" into your Peyton Manning, fetus face skulls? Well guess what bitches, I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKKKKKKKKKKKK.

Someone cue that picture of me:

That's better. Get ready for an overflowing Rivers of Douche, coming straight at ya!

Playoff Predictions:

Ms. Auto
Falcons over Cardinals
Chargers over Colts
Eagles over Vikings
Dolphins over Ravens

The Filler Guy
Falcons over Cardinals
Colts over Chargers
Eagles over Vikings
Ravens over Dolphins

KCCal
Cardinals over Falcons
Chargers over Colts
Eagles over Vikings
Dolphins over Ravens

The Mike Martz Resignation Letter

noreply@blogger.com (KC Cal) — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 06:14:00 +0000

Well, seems like Mike Singletary took his motivational skills up a notch…. in the form of a pink slip.

Mike Martz is out of here, but that doesn’t mean his story is over with the 49ers. Because we are such a high profile blog, um mid profile blog, um minor profile blog, um blog that people randomly read thanks to a Google search of “plays in California,” we were able to access the secret e-mail account of Mike Martz. Below is a Mike Martz’s goodbye letter to the staff of the 49ers following his dismissal from the organization. We’d like to thank all of our sources for helping us obtain this letter that indeed exists. And when I say exists, I mean we totally made up.

From: Martz, Mike
Sent: Tuesday, December 30, 2008 6:02 PM
To: San Francisco 49ers Organization Mailing List
Subject: Farewell My Coworkers

Dear Fellow Colleagues,

I would like to send out my farewell letter to the staff of the 49ers. It has been a tough ride with many ups and downs. I have made many friends during my short time here in San Francisco, and there are many people I will miss as I look for a coaching opportunity somewhere else. I would like to wish all the people who made my time here great a Happy New Year and wish the best of luck to you.

HOWEVER, there are also some people who I would not like to wish good tidings to. There are some people at work who make things nice and fun, and there are some people at work who make my life a living hell. To these people, I would like to say a hearty “fuck you.”

To JT O’ Sullivan: thanks a lot numbnuts. I practically designed an offense catered to your lack of skill because I really liked you as a player and as a human being. Boy did I fuck up there. What was I thinking? Stephen Hawking could throw a football better than you. Every time you were out there on the field, I would think, well the plays are designed to utilize all of JT’s skills. What I failed to realize is that you have no skills. It’s like trying to put Andy Reid on a diet. You can cater all these special foods for him, but at the end of the day, it’s still Andy Reid, and he’s still going to be a fatass. In your case, at the end of the day, even after all this prep, you’re still going to be a horrible quarterback. Thanks for totally letting me down. I’m not mad, just disappointed.

To Vernon Davis: thanks for being a total failure. When we selected you in the draft, we imagined Antonio Gates version 2.0. What we got instead was Michael Gaines version 2.0. Who? Exactly, that’s the fuck who. Oh, and getting called out by Mike Singletary isn’t cool either. It just makes you look like a total bitch and Mike Singletary look like a hero. And guess what, he’s not… I’m the hero.

To 49er Receiving Core: would it kill you to catch a pass once in while? Isaac Bruce is the leading receiver for Christ sakes. He’s older than cancer. There’s a good reason why he’s the top dog though, that reason is a two word phrase: Mike Martz. Try getting production like that without me, assholes.

And lastly, to Mike Singletary, you pants dropping, press conference whoring asshole, you sold me out to York and threw me under the bus. I thought we had a deal. You would do your defensive thing, and I would do my offensive thing. I guess I thought wrong. Well guess what, your offense is going to flounder now. That’s right, flounder. I mean, you have Shaun Hill as your starting quarterback right now. Shaun Fucking Hill. Without me, that kid is toast. He’s going to get sacked more than David Carr on rookie training day. You really think he’s the one responsible for the resurgence in our offense? Ha! He’s just a body I needed to use. The real genius is right here, and now it’s gone for ever.

So in short, have a nice time without me while I’m busy looking for a coaching job somewhere else. And when I do find another job, I’ll be ready for you guys across the sidelines. This time, I’ll be doing the pants dropping so that it’ll be ready when you guys kiss my ass.

Sincerely,
Mike “Numero Uno” Martz

P.S. Suck it.

Happy New Year From Kobe Bryant Again

noreply@blogger.com (KC Cal) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 05:00:00 +0000

Hey TPIC readers. It's Kobe Bryant here, dropping another line to wish you a Happy New year, just like I did last year.

Last year, it seems like the TPIC was trying to pressure me to talk about Shaq. Well, now that I took care of that sorry, Blue Chips starring asshole (I want the 5 dollars I spent at the bargain bin for that piece of crap back), I'm here to just talk about myself.

On this glorious start to 2009, I'm going to make my resolution to try and talk to the press more about myself. Before, I was the aloof athlete. Now I'm Kobe Talkative.

So.......

.........

.........

.........

........
........
....I'm still waiting for them white bitches.

Nash From The OC Wishes You A Happy New Year

noreply@blogger.com (The Filler Guy) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 20:55:00 +0000

Hey Brahs,

Tomorrow is the Rose Bowl, and guess who is playing? Why USC of course. Totally wicked isn’t it? You may not know this, but I’m a huge USC fan. How can I not be? I mean hello, dudes, it’s the University of SoCal, SO CAL, only the greatest place in all of earth. Hold on a minute.

Answers Bluetooth.

Sup dude, did you get the tickets? You dude? Totally awesome man. All right, then, well I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.

Sorry about that, it was just my bro Justin. He was a production assistant on the Hills, and guess what? He got tickets to the Rose Bowl tomorrah. Sick, huh, brah?

I can’t wait to go, I’ll be surrounded by total hardcore USC fans like me. What are they playing for anyway? The national championship? I heard it’s something like that. Is Leinart still their quarterback?

Anyway, I have to go now, but I wish everyone a Happy New Year! What are you doing anyway? Me? Oh, I’ll be chatting it up with the cast of the Real Housewives of Orange County, because they are totally chill!

The Bucs Kick Out A Raiders Fan For Acting Like, Well, A Raiders Fan

noreply@blogger.com (The Filler Guy) — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 17:28:00 +0000

This is Steve, a longtime Raiders fan from New Jersey who flew down to Tampa to watch the Raiders upset and end the playoff hopes of the Bucs in Tampa. Naturally, as a fan of any team would do, he cheers for his team when they score, cheers for his team when they stop the opposing team. THAT, however, was too much for the Buc nation to handle, and Steve was firmly ejected. Actually, ejected is a nice term, he was escorted by the police out of the stadium. I don't know about you, but usually this kind of treatment is reserved only for gentlemen (and gentle ladies) who engage in some sort of fisticuffs. Steve however claims innocence. He wrote a nice long e-mail to the folks in Tampa Bay regarding his experience (thanks to the Consumerist for the scoop):

Good afternoon,

I apologize for the number of individuals included on this communication as I was unsure who to contact about this.

I had a very negative experience at Raymond James Stadium while attempting to attend the Buccaneers/Raider NFL football game. My day started poorly as I was forced to go to three different entrance gates because I was "wearing the wrong colors" before I could obtain admittance with my ticket to the game.

The game went without incident up until the first score of the game by the Raiders. I stood in celebration, and before the extra point was even kicked, I was being led away by stadium personnel. Once out of the stands, I was placed in handcuffs, although I was not resisting the stadium personnel's requests, or read my rights and placed under arrest. I was lead to a single person holding cell where my possessions were removed, and I was subjected to a full body frisking. After being detained for roughly 30 minutes, I was released outside of the stadium, and informed that I could not return to the stadium.

As a long time fan and supporter of the NFL, I am greatly disappointed by my treatment at today's game. I feel like I was personally singled out due to my team affiliation, and this was totally unwarranted. I was not intoxicated or found to be in possession of any illegal substances. I was not being verbally or physically abusive to any other fans or players. There were no requests to adjust my behavior prior to this either, which was not causing an issue as multiple witnesses can attest to.

I understand the stadium has the right to remove any attendees as stated on the ticket, but my treatment today was completely unacceptable. I came down to Tampa Bay from New Jersey specifically to see this game, and then was stripped of the ability to enjoy the game. I would like to know if there are any options by which I may file a formal complaint against the personnel at the stadium? I wish I could provide you with more information as to the individuals involved, but they would not provide me with that information prior to my removal.

Any assistance in this matter would be appreciated. Thank you and I hope you all had an enjoyable holiday.

Seems civil enough. The Bucs responded promptly, though it was more or less blowing him off (thanks to Deadspin for this tidbit):

We are sorry that you did not have the experience that you expected to have here at Raymond James Stadium during the Raiders game. We seek to offer each fan a positive experience.

Your inquiry, however, cannot be addressed by our staff due to your ejection by the Tampa Police Department. The TPD records indicate that you were intoxicated and caused a disturbance by cussing and instigating fights, thus your questions must be directed to them, now. Please call *** at ********* and he will respond to your concerns.

Naturally, Steve was not pleased. He decided to fire back, which really just turned into a fan versus organization sissy fight:

So lets assume that I was in fact intoxicated and causing a disturbance by cursing and instigating fights. I feel like the worst decision would have been to release me outside of the stadium. I would hope that individuals acting in the manner described above were either arrested or detained until they were settled down. Tossing a drunk person trying to start fights back out into the public doesn't sound like a great idea to me.

Like i said before though, I wasn't drunk. I did have a couple beers outside of the stadium, but I wasn't drinking inside the stadium. I was not breathalyzed or given a field sobriety test by the officers, so I'm not sure how they made that determination.

I'll admit I probably cursed at some point in the first quarter and a half of the game. I wasn't directing it at any fans, but I'm sure a "F*uck yeah!" as the Raiders forced another punt popped out at some point. I would have felt it was totally reasonable for someone from the Tampa Bay staff to pull me out my seat, and ask me to adjust my language.

It's odd how the story changes quickly. First Steve claims he was a complete gentleman in one e-mail, then slyly mentions a that he may have had a few drinks and slipped some f-bombs in the next. This story is starting to have so many takes on it, it's like the Clinton Era all over again!

Anyway, the moral of the story here kids is mind your surroundings when visiting an opposing stadium, because they have all the power. Oh yeah, and the other moral is that the Bucs stadium staff are total dicks.

Mike Singletary Is Pumped To Be The Official Coach Of The Niners

noreply@blogger.com (KC Cal) — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 21:10:00 +0000

Now that the season is over, we can forget all the interim coach nonsense and get down to business. The 49ers just signed me for a 10 million dollar contract for four years. I have to tell you first hand, I could not be more excited. I went 5-2 in that last seven game stretch. I’m really looking forward to the next year.

Now, I know a lot of you guys might be skeptical about my zany antics, but let me assure you, they’re all motivational techniques. I mean, nothing really gets through to athletes these days. They got million dollar contracts, promotional deals, women, cars, everything you can think of thrown into their laps, so why would they be motivated to go out an bust their butts out with all these luxuries hurled in their direction? These boys need something, someone, to fire them up and so they can give 110% out there on the field. That’s why I was here, and that’s why we won those games down the stretch. I got those boys pumped up ready to go onto the field for battle. That’s what Mike Singletary antics do, they motivate people, no matter how outrageous it is.

Excuse me for a moment.

Drops pants.

That’s better. See, doesn’t that make you want to go out and do something? You there, sitting on your computer, reading this blog. Don’t you have like faxes to get out or programs to write? Why are you wasting your time here? Oh that’s right, because you’re a lazy asshole! Well guess what, Mike Singletary is here to change that. What you just need is something to fire you up. Hm…. I got an idea to just do that!

Pours gasoline on car. Throws match. Car is lit on fire.

See that’s what you need to do, you need to bring the heat, just like how I brought the heat to this automobile. When I use metaphors, it’s not enough to just say them, I got to illustrate it to people so it really gets into their brains. That’s the only way they’ll learn.

So you ready to work now? What? Still on your lazy butt reading this blog. I thought you had a TPS report to work on? Damnit, then I’m not doing MY job. Hmm… well how about this. In order to do some work, you need to forget about anything on your mind. You got to keep it clear. Don’t want to work because you have that new Xbox game on your mind?

Takes Xbox and smashes it with hammer.

There. Done. Won’t be thinking about it no more!

YOU’RE STILL HERE???? THAT’S IT, I HAVE TO TAKE DRASTIC MEASURES. SEE THIS ADORABLE CALF:

Well let’s just say if you don’t get to work, I’ll find it a new home… with my local butcher! The nail gun is going to be a packin’!!!

Why did I do that? Because I’m Mike Singletary, bitch. It’s how I get people to work!

Man, I’m so fired up now!!! YEAAAAAAAAAARGGGGHHH!!

Holy Sh-t! The Chargers Can Still Make the Playoffs?!

noreply@blogger.com (KC Cal) — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 18:56:00 +0000

Whoa, whoa, whoa, when did this happen? I thought ever since going 6-8, the Chargers were done for. A 6-8 team in playoff contention? You es mucho loco my amigo!

But seriously, I did not see this coming. It completely blindsided me. So as we take our week break from posting, let’s just hope San Diego makes it through, because I don’t think I can go a month without making fun of Norv Turner.

Youtube Sunday: Elf Date Scene

noreply@blogger.com (The Filler Guy) — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 16:39:00 +0000

In honor of X-mas, here's what I think is the best scene from Elf.

"You missed."

GOAAAAAAAAAALLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (The Filler Guy) — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 16:55:00 +0000

Well, we really pulled an Ohio State there.

Hopefully, this will just serve as a reality check and the Sharks will dominate for the rest of the season until they inevitably lose in the first or second round of the playoffs like they do every year.

Note: Friday Nostalgia will be moved to Saturday Nostalgia thanks to this monstrosity. Also, we notice there has been a lack of meaty articles, so we’ll try to improve on that. Your opinions matter to us!

Only One Man Is Fit To Run The Sacramento Kings Now

noreply@blogger.com (The Filler Guy) — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 16:48:00 +0000

Two days ago, Reggie Theus was dismissed as coach of the Sacramento Kings. Theus lead the Kings to an abysmal start at the beginning of the season, winning only one game in the whole month of October. In the end, the Kings were 6-18 at the time of his firing. Sadly for Theus, coaching will not be what he was remembered for.

Instead, what I remember Theus for is that he had an integral role in the show Hang Time. On the show he was Bill Fuller, a character who was what else but a coach. Theus’s character had more success than Theus did in real life, as Coach Fuller was offered a full time job at Southern Florida University at the end of third season. Maybe Theus can do the same.

Currently, the interim coach of the Kings is Kenny Natt.

So far, Natt’s record is 1 and 1. Hey, he already has a higher win percentage than his predecessor. All right!!

However, the key thing to point out here is that Natt is an interim coach. That means that the coaching field is wide open for anyone to take. There has been a lot of talk about who the Maloof brothers will take. Ben Howland? Avery Johnson? Mark Jackson?

To all of these “professionals” I say pssht. We all know who is going to have the upper hand when it comes time for the Kings to hire….

For some reason, I totally forgot his real name was Mark Curry and NOT Mark Cooper. Whoops.

Curry may have certainly no experience in the NBA, but his character was a former player in the big leagues. Plus, he had his own sitcom, just like Theus. I mean, at this point, this is the best thing the Kings can shoot for.

Am I right? Am I right? Thank god I’m a Warriors fan instead….

Shit.

Brett Favre Screws Over Someone From California Yet Again

noreply@blogger.com (KC Cal) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 17:16:00 +0000

Thanks a lot Brett, because of you someone else’s spotlight is stolen so you can live your glory days as the old man down the river.

Look, I get it. Brett Favre is a legend. He’s a guy who loves the game and plays through anything no matter how much it might make him look like a blowhard. He’s the kind of guy that will play through sore ankles, strained quads, and aching biceps in order to lead his team out to victory. He’s the kind of guy who brushes off family tragedy in to stay tough on the field. He’s also the kind of guy that every Sports Illustrated (Peter King), ESPN (Chris Berman), NBC (John Madden) gloat fellates everyday every time they write an article or take air time to boast about how Brett has more “grit” than every other NFL legend in the history of the game.He’s also the kind of asshole who says he’s going to retire, has a change of heart, then throws a hissy fit once he finds out his team already had plans once he decided to go.

I know Brett, shocking; the world doesn’t revolve around you. Or maybe it does, because yesterday this guy got screwed:

I know Philip Rivers isn’t he most loved guy in the NFL, but seriously, he totally should have been in the Pro Bowl instead of Brett Favre. Why? Well I hate to use the fantasy football argument, but stats. Let’s take a comparison.

QB Rating
Philip Rivers: 101.4. NFL Leader
Brett Favre: 86.5. Behind the likes of Shaun Hill, Matt Cassell, and Jeff Garcia

Pass TDs
Philip Rivers: 28. Tied with Drew Brees as NFL Leader
Brett Favre: 21

Pass Yards
Philip Rivers: 3515
Brett Favre: 3052

Fumbles:
Philip Rivers: 8
Brett Favre: 10

And the most glaring stat of them all, INTs:
Philip Rivers: 11
Brett Favre: 17. NFL Leader (!)

Now, the obvious counter point to this is a stat I did not list: wins. Right now the Jets are 9-5 battling the Patriots and Dolphins for division leader while the Chargers pretty much crapped out 2 weeks ago with a 3 game losing skid. However, I would like to point out that the Jets have and actual running game in Thomas Jones while LT’s skills decided to go into submission this year. And Rivers himself has been a model of consistency, only having 2 games where he’s thrown more picks than TDs, and never throwing more than 2 INTs a game. Meanwhile, Captain Asshole has had an abysmal 5 games where he’s thrown more INTs than TDs and one game where he threw it more than twice to someone not on his team.

Plus, Rivers has to deal with the coaching monstrosity known as Norv Turner. One man can only do so much.

And you know handed one of those losses to the Jets? That’s right, Philip Rivers and the San Diego Chargers, bitch.

So as much as you people say the Pro Bowl isn’t about the stats, I say yes it is. One man cannot account for all his teams’ wins and losses. Unless, of course, that man’s name is Norv Turner. God, why is he still coaching?

Morten Anderson, I Will Miss You <3

noreply@blogger.com (Ms. Automatic) — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 18:24:00 +0000

(Remember, Ms. Auto is a Saints fan. And where do you think she got the name Ms. Automatic from?)

It's been awhile since I've written a poem.
Morten, this one's for you...

Morten, the game won't be the same without a kicker like you
Oh gosh, we will miss how your kicks went through
Remembering my young days, I loved you as a Saint
Then you went to other teams and it wasn't the same
Even though you left New Orleans, you were always in my heart
Now that you're leaving, where do I even start,

Thank you Morten, you've been an icon to watch
Home, however, is now where you'll gather your thoughts
And it's not on the sidelines with the guys anymore
Now things will change on how you'll score
Know that we, your fans, will miss you much
Sorry, I hate goodbyes, can we keep in touch
<3

May you be able to represent in Denmark or ESPN news
So that we can continue to watch you make it through
Afterall, I have been rooting for years for your kicks
Usually was not the case, you were ALWAYS my pick
Today and forever I will respect your game
Only thing left to say is you're always my Saint.

C.C. You Later, Hey Hey Mr. 300

noreply@blogger.com (Ace of Spades) — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 11:25:00 +0000

Now that Chubby Chubster Sabathia is THANK GOD out of the question for the Giants, I think the whole Giants organization and their millions of fans can move on to another ridiculous player whom we're willing to pay $200 million for.

Can you imagine having Fatty McFatterson for 6 years, when his weight will increase exponentially to about 578 lbs, plus an average majorly overpriced pitcher who's zoned out in his Planet Zito, both for a quarter billion dollars?!

Do we NEED any more pitchers? With Cy Young Tim Lincecum, soon-to-be Cy Young Matt Cain, have-to-play-him-because-we-paid-him Barry Zito, promising Jonathan Sanchez, hopefully returning Noah Lowry, and Lincecum-like Tim Alderson and Madison Bumgarner lurking in the minors, do we have a surplus of pitchers?

What's the appropriate Giants response? Why, of course we NEED another pitcher! We have ABSOLUTELY no offense, that's why we MUST get another pitcher!! Too bad our Bay Area native C.C. is taken. But hey, we got the next best thing available:

45-year-old Walnut Creek/Livermore native Randy Johnson.

I mean, he would TOTALLY fit in San Francisco. How could you not love a 6'10" local youngster who's at the prime of his life, sporting the best mullet in the history of professional sports.

Oh yeah, he's only 5 wins away from career win #300. That'll sell a fewtickets to AT&T Park. He's everything you need in a pitcher, right? You need a perfect game? He's done it. Need to kick some media ass? Let Randy Johnson show you. You want to kill a bird? Call up RJ.

So it seems like we've got ourselves another Bay Area native to ponder about.

News Flash!

Phillies just signed Raul Ibanez, which means bye bye to Pat Burrell. What? The South Bay, Bellarmine Prep native Pat Burrell? The Giants don't need a 5th outfielder with Lewis, Rowand, Winn, and Schierholtz? But he's only going to cost $100 million for 5 years with POWER and super sucky defense. Oh, come on! We can convert him into a pitcher!!

Perfect fit for San Francisco.

Youtube Sunday: (Rhymes with Fizz) in My Pants

noreply@blogger.com (The Filler Guy) — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 19:55:00 +0000

Awkwardddddd.

East Side Union High School District Is On The Brink of Losing Its Sports Programs....Hey, I Went There!!

noreply@blogger.com (KC Cal) — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 08:55:00 +0000

I went to school in San Jose, meaning my school was part of the East Side Union High School District. To be more exact, I went to Mt. Pleasant High School in the East part of San Jose. The school itself was somewhat in the middle ground of excellence. Certainly not the greatest school in the nation, but not exactly the worst either.

Our sports programs were just okay too. Aside from our track team, the rest of the teams weren’t that great. It wasn’t like Varsity Blues or anything. Our football players weren’t getting cortisone shots, or at least not that I was aware of. And no, there was no ridiculous statue of our coach in front of the field, though I have to admit, that would have been bad ass.

And sadly, there was no James Van Der Beek type guy who was thrust into the spotlight after our quarterback got injured. White people were kind of a rarity at our school, so there was no Paul Walker either. Nor was there a kid fat enough to fill the role of Billy Bob, pun intended.

And none of our teachers were strippers. Thank god they weren’t, or I would have gouged my eyes out years ago.

Anyway, enough about how much my school lacked in awesomeness compared to the one in Varsity Blues. What I’m trying to say is, yeah, our sports weren’t the best, but they were fun to participate in. I think that goes for anyone who plays a sport in high school. Sure, you may never be like Kobe Bryant or even Lamar Odom, but for a few months of the school year, you could at least pretend to be. I had to pretend to be Roger Federer because I played the wussy sport of tennis. And you know what, I wasn’t even that great. It’s more like I had to imitate Robert Kendrick. Who? Exactly.

I’m sure no one who played sports at my high school had pro aspirations, but that rush that a high school kid gets playing in front of a crowd creates some pretty fond memories. Even in college, when conversing with my friends, I could recall countless stories about which sport each of us played and any memorable moments that happened on the court or field. Stuff like that lasts with a person forever, far past their days as a youth.

These kids who play these sports, they eventually become adults who don’t play sports anymore. However, they also become adults who have kids, kids who will be there to listen to their old man talk about his glory days as a star swimmer in high school. And you know what that kid does? He thinks, “maybe I’ll try to be a swimmer to, just like my old man.” And then that kid will have his own child to tell stories too, and the chain will continue.

But if you cut off that first link, it’s all gone. Unfortunately, that’s what is happening right now at my alma mater. If you click the link and read the story, you’ll get the gist of what’s happening, sports in East Side Union High School will be no more. Well that is, unless they get the 2 million dollars they’re asking for. Two words: bake sale.

When first hearing this news, I thought, well I’m not that shocked. You have to understand, I’m a very jaded person, so the motions were running through my head. A lot of “yeah, the economy is bad” and “sacrifices are needed to be made” ran through my head. But then, I thought about it again, and I came up with another conclusion “Wait, no sports in high school? What the fuck?!”

As I thought about it more, it became harder and harder for me to fathom what high school would be like without a sports program. I always thought sports were just a given, a requirement that was needed for a high school to function. It never crossed my mind that the sports program was optional.

But with the sad news that was announced yesterday, it seems that it is. That’s a real travesty. It’s not about the competition. God knows that at my high school it wasn’t about the competition. It was just about giving kids the opportunity to have fun, learn team work, and most importantly, get all their fat asses into shape! I kid, I kid. That’s all you can really do at this point, because it seems this isn’t an idle threat. This is serious. Sports in East San Jose are going to go unless some major dough is ponied up. And as someone who writes sports and sees the value in the positives athletics has to offer, that’s just sad.

I mean seriously, couldn’t they have cut something else *cough* the art department *cough* instead?

Nostalgia Friday: An Asian Childhood With, Ugh, Piano Lessons

noreply@blogger.com (KC Cal) — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 17:55:00 +0000

In hard times like these, people often wonder if there are more serious issues to talk about other than the douchiness of Philip Rivers and Pogs. My answer to that is of course there are. In a time of a fledgling economy and other issues, these things are non relevant. However, we can’t always just focus on these things. If every single online publication focused on the serious issues of a world in dire need for help, well, the internet would be a depressing place to hang around (but it would still manage to have porn on it). Thus, I offer these rants and impersonations as a diversion to the stress of everyday life. Just enjoy this sideshow while the world around you crumbles, because if you don’t, you might go insane.

Now with that sissyness brushed to the side, let’s get on to Nostalgia Friday.

Growing up in an Asian American family usually means two things for a kid: a) you had to get good grades or you were the family disgrace, b) you probably were forced to play piano and/or violin. In retrospect, I can see why Asian parents forced their kids to do these things. You obviously needed the grades to get into college which would in turn build you up for a nice, stable career. Going to college usually means you’re trying to get a job, unless you decided to rebel and major in philosophy, then you were completely fucked once you got out of undergrad. I’m glad my parents hammered the importance of studiousness in me, because now I have a job and I’m able to support myself in ways that don’t involve man whoring.

I also had to endure piano lessons. At the time, I HATED the piano with a passion. To an 8 year old boy, playing piano was the personification of wussyness. I mean, you had other kids spending their nice sunny afternoon playing basketball and handball while you’re stuck inside spending your time with Mozart and fuckin’ Frederic Chopin. Asian parents usually have the vision that if you start your kid early on the piano, he too will be a musical genius just like Mozart. It is true that Mozart was a piano prodigy by the age of 9, but you know what Mozart didn’t do? Play basketball with other goddamn normal kids. Oh, and he also died by the age of 35. Fantastic.

Not only that, but the pieces I was forced to play were pretty much snoozefests. I am old enough to appreciate the works of Bach now, but back then, hearing and learning Bach was the equivalent to finding enjoyment off watching sap harden. If my parents wanted to bore me, why didn’t they just have me study more instead?! And while all those ‘cool piano instructors’ were teaching their students fun modern pieces like Disney songs, I was stuck learning the works of dead people. If I had known what suicide back then, I would have contemplated doing it. Just kidding.

And did Beethoven write about magical genies coming out of lamps and being your friend? No, he did not, and thus I did not give a crap.

As I look back now though, I really wish I had continued playing the piano. It seems as you grow older, playing music becomes a cooler and cooler thing. Sure, I learned how to pick up the bass during that time, but nothing really brings in the ladies like a smooth piano player. If I only had a time machine to tell my 8 year old self this. Then again, it would be futile, because if I recall correctly, girls had cooties at that age anyway.

The Sharks And Thoughts On The City of San Jose Being Overshadowed In The Bay Area

noreply@blogger.com (KC Cal) — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 17:33:00 +0000

If you haven’t noticed, the Sharks are doing pretty good. Actually, that’s an understatement, they are doing damn good. They currently sport a record of 23-3-2 and an undefeated record at home. They did lose to the Oilers though last week, but those Canadians can be sneaky rat bastards with their maple syrup and what not.

I can’t remember the last time the Sharks have been this fire hot. Then again, I don’t think anyone can because the Sharks have never been this fire hot.

However, like most of America, the Bay Area just doesn’t really seem to care about the game on ice. You would figure with Bay Area sports feeling a wave of low morale thanks to the stinking of the Niners, Raiders, Warriors, Giants, and A’s, the one last hope for professional sports here would be that plucky team from San Jose. But the answer is a resounding no.

San Francisco could care less right now. You know why? It’s because they have hope right now thanks to the zany antics of Mike Singletary.

Yes, that crazy, Vernon Davis bashing, pants dropping son of a bitch has really given something 49ers to cheer about since his 3-3 run at coach. I have to say I’m pretty impressed considering how bad the Niners looked at the beginning of the season. Single greatest accomplishment for Mike is the benching of JT O’ Sullivan. Shaun Hill as a starter has really changed the Niners offense into a semi competent force, so who could blame San Franciscans if they can’t focus on the Sharks right now? Singletary is just too damn entertaining.

Then you have Oakland. The Warriors really suck, the Raiders really suck, all their sports suck right now. Yet, you think Oakland is desperate enough to grasp the concept of a game played on ice by a bunch of white dudes. I doubt it. It is Oakland after all.

And yes, I realize that this is a crude generalization of Oakland, but I am a current resident of Oakland and while not the entire city is hardened and street tough, a lot of it is. However, I do acknowledge that Oakland is a great place to live with a lot of interesting things to do. Be proud of this, because I also know a billion suburban kids from San Jose who are bored out of their mind every weekend.

San Jose has always been overshadowed by these two cities. I mean seriously, San Jose is not cool. If the big three cities were brothers, San Francisco would be the cool artsy one that gets all the chicks, Oakland would be the tough guy that gets all the street cred, and San Jose would just be the loser yuppie nerd who spends most of his time trying to impress the other two. Basically, we’re the Screech of the Bay Area while San Francisco is clearly Zach Morris and Oakland is AC Slater.

And no matter how hardcore you try to be, East Side San Jose, you are not hardcore. West Oakland is hardcore. The Tenderloin is hardcore. East Oakland is hardcore. Hunter’s Point is hardcore. Actually, all of Oakland is hardcore.

But I digress, today is a big game for San Jose today, as we’re playing our loathsome rival, the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim.

Anaheim can also feel the sting that we do though, as they are also overshadowed in their own So Cal Trifecta. Clearly, they are overshadowed by Los Angeles and San Diego as the major cities down south. And while San Jose represents all that is nerdy and techy, Anaheim represents Disney. Yes, their city has to be known as the place that represents all that is unholy, like this:

Wow. Someone just put them out of their misery now.

Oh yeah, and if you want a real in depth analysis of the game today, head over to The Battle of California. Their whole blog is based upon this heated rivalry, so this match up is sure to give them a wet dream.