Adam Sandler, I Hardly Knew Ye

I’ve liked Adam Sandler, always have. I’ve been a huge fan of his stuff ever since Billy Madison came out, which I think was his best movie ever. But unfortunately, something happened today, his funny died.

The release of Grown Ups marks the official day his movies have gone from shit-tastic to dreadfully coma inducing. It’s currently getting a dastardly 8 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. That makes it the second worst movie of the year, a little bit above Furry Vengeance. Yes, that’s right, it’s only a little better than Furry Fucking Vengeance, that movie starring Brendan Fraser where he dances with CGI raccoons and foxes. What. The. Fuck?

On the plus side, I hear that Maria Bello’s character sprays breast milk on Salma Hayek like a fire hose. HAWT! And there’s also an appearance by Colin Quinn, who apparently is still alive. Good for him!

Is Grown Ups really that bad? Probably. I should’ve seen it coming. Sure a movie starring Sandler with Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, and Rob Schneider sounds great… if I still lived in the 90’s. Nowadays, all of them are still suckling on the teat of the glory days when they used to be funny. They all wish they were as hilarious as they were before, with the exception of Rock who churned out the very good, funny, documentary, Good Hair, and Schneider, who was never funny. For some reason, I did enjoy Deuce Bigelow though.

Granted, I haven’t seen the movie yet, nor do I plan to, unless while I’m watching Toy Story 3, the theater catches on fire and the only safe place is the room where Grown Ups is playing. And there’s a Clockwork Orange like machine that forces me to watch such a garbled mess as the flames engulf my surroundings. Is it fair for me to pass judgment on a movie I have not seen? Probably not. But was it fair for me to waste so many hours on failed Sandler products (Zohan, Larry and Chuck, and ughhh, Little Nicky). Hell no.

I truly miss the Sandler comedies of back then. The obnoxious protagonists, the random bits of humor, the ridiculous cameo appearances. Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, The Waterboy, they all had that bit of Adam Sandler charm that I loved. How could you not laugh at the scene in Billy Madison where Billy calls up a former classmate (Steve Buscemi) and apologizes for the times when he called the guy a weirdo, only to find out that indeed he is a giant weirdo? Or how about the fight scene in Happy Gilmore, or those dream sequences that involved Julie Bowen in lingerie? Genius. Keep in mind this was vintage Bowen and not current milficious Claire Dunphy-Bowen. I could do without the Hilary R. Clinton hairdo, but whatever, I’m not complaining.

Even that weird part in the Waterboy where the special team coach rubs his nipples during that final Hail Mary. That was classic. You don’t see that in Sandler movies anymore. Instead, we’re relegated to lame fart jokes and retarded premises. Two guys pretending to act gay, and surprise surprise, they’re uncomfortable about it? How did I not see that coming?? Ughhh, die.

Where did Sandler go wrong? I’d say right around Little Nicky. Just look at the terrible string of movies after that shit fest: Anger Management, Mr. Deeds, Click, Chuck and Larry, Zohan, Bedtime Stories, etc. It’s basically a who’s who of shitty movies. 50 First Dates was decent, but then again it also starred Drew Barrymore as girl who is supposedly so beautiful that Adam Sandler wants to fall in love with her over and over again. Ha, right. Awesome casting choice, just let me know when Sandler wants to make a biopic on Yao Ming and I’ll be sure to get the part.

By the way, The Wedding Singer was good. And yes, that starred Drew Barrymore too, and I liked it. But that’s it. My max count of movies I like with Drew Barrymore in them stops at one.

What I do notice though is that while his comedies are fading in quality, he has been churning out a lot of decent dramatic roles. Reign Over Me and Funny People were great movies. A lot of people complained that Funny People wasn’t funny. No shit, douchebags. The movie is about a guy who gets cancer, how funny did you think it was going to be? Sandler’s best performance was in Punch Drunk Love. He plays the tortured Barry Egan masterfully. You can see the desperation and loneliness in poor Barry’s eyes as he wistfully spends his days, coping with his mundane life and suppressing his rage. It’s a great movie, and though it is quirky, it’s what should have gotten him an Oscar nomination.

I thought after PDL, he’d stick with the drama, but then he decided to go back to comedy. Well, here’s hoping he goes back to being a dramatic actor. So many successful comics have done it and have been praised for their work (Robin Williams, Steve Martin, Bill Murray). It’s only fitting that Sandler do the same. His man child act is worn out, and it’s quickly being replaced by more contemporary man children (I’m looking at you Apatow and Crew). Sandler should realize that he has to hand the reigns down to someone else and retreat to a more rewarding career path.

If he doesn’t, we’ll get stuck with Chuck and Larry 2: Gay Again, and 100 First Dates. I said it before and I’ll say it again…GROAN.