Kings Scout Bet On NBA Games, I Wonder Who He Bet Against? (Hint: The Kings)

‘I Resigned’

That’s all Jack Mai, an International NBA Talent Scout for the Sacramento Kings had to say about his dismissal and banning from the NBA. Mai bet on NBA games, though, according to the Yahoo Sports article, Mai ‘limited to small amounts of money among acquaintances and there is no evidence that he ever attempted to use his position with the Kings to influence the outcome of any NBA game.’

I guess it’s kind of a grey area, since he’s not directly involved in the outcome of the game unlike basketball gambling poster child Tim Donaghy, but then again gambling and the NBA have essentially been mixed in a poisonous cocktail thanks to said poster child.

On a related note, all this bad publicity with gambling and the NBA only pushes back further a potential NBA team in Las Vegas. That blows because Vegas is actually a sweet place to watch a basketball game, unlike many of the crappy cities that actually have NBA teams. Cleveland, Charlotte, Oklahoma City, Christ, they are all horrible places to watch an NBA game. Don’t get me started about Oakland either. For those of you yelling ‘aren’t YOU from Oakland?’ I answer Oakland is indeed a shitty place to host a sporting event. Have you been to an A’s game in McAfee (or whatever its called now) Coliseum? Now, have you been to a Giants game at AT&T park? Which is better?

I rest my case.

Jack Mai also pretty much re-affirms every shady stereotype white people have about Asians. The gambling is bad enough, but as the Yahoo article also states: Besides the gambling investigation, one league source said Mai had “questionable business dealings with Korean and Chinese basketball teams and leagues.”

Good grief.

I Am The New Measure of Godliness

That’s right, you heard me, I AM THE KING!!!! Who was able to topple the juggernaut from So Cal? Why, none other than Captain Comeback himself! Except this time, the only comeback that needed to happen was my hand coming back to my other hand, because I totally gave myself a high five after Stanford beat USC thanks to my Zeus like coaching on the field.

And did you see our ranking? We jumped all the way from 25 to number 14. We really climbed the polls this week, just like how the women of Palo Alto have been climbing the poll of a certain Stanford coach, if you catch my drift.

Oh, silly me. I didn’t realize not all of you have the superb Stanford intellectual capacity to follow that joke. When I say poll, it means my penis, and when I say climb, it means sexual intercourse. I hope that clears up things for those who aren’t coaching gurus like yours truly.

On a serious note though………….. aren’t I awesome? Just thinking about me makes me want to sport my O-Face.

Not many people can make themselves orgasm at the sight of themselves. It’s a true talent.

Now that the we pummeled USC, I can focus on more important things, like beer bongs. And chicks. And Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2. And beers. And bowling with Gerhardt. And beer. And practice of course…… ahh, just fuckin’ with you! Did I mention beer?

Who do we have next week anyway? Cal? Ughhhhhhhhh.

Great, another meeting with Jeff Tedford, the ying to my yang, the Wily Coyote to my Roadrunner, the Johnny Unitas to my Joe Namath, the um, shit, can’t think of anything else. Whatever, analogies are for losers, and people who go to USC. Get it? By putting losers next to USC, I’m implying they are losers. That’s Stanford intellect for you. You don’t think so? Well fuck you.

But seriously, just look at this guy:



Now look at a few pictures of me, thanks to Google search:

Wait that’s not right, how about now?

Shit, um ok, here’s a decent picture:


Grrr…. I am fierce. Look at those teeth grit!

But I do have a new priority, contact Google picture search and tell them to delete any unflattering pictures of the Jim, unless they want to feel the wrath from the Harbaugh-inger of Pain. Like that nickname? Well I made it up a few minutes ago, and it RULZ.

Seriously though, this Tedford guy is like machine, what kind of plays am I going to come up with this week? Guess I’ll have to take one out of the whole Jim Harbaugh playbook and ask big bro to score me some tips and do my homework for me. Ahhh, just like in college!

Pau Gasol Leads The Way For Mediocre Athlete-Thespians

As you may or may not have heard of, Pau Gasol recently starred in an episode of CSI: Miami, which aired yesterday on CBS. He plays Victor Emparo, the wealthy head of a video game company. Yes, when we see a 7 foot guy walking around, we immediately think ‘that guy must be in the video game industry.’ Makes sense, makes perfect sense. (They could’ve at least cast an Asian guy like Yao Ming or Yi Jinlain or something, I’m just saying.)

Sad to say, but Pau doesn’t make it to the end of the episode, as his character dies. Not by homicide though, but by suicide. A man can only take so many David Caruso one liners.

I would have put spoiler alert somewhere, but that would imply that you watch CSI: Miami. And if you do, then it is a sad, sad day for Americans. Somewhere right now, a baby in an Uncle Sam outfit is crying.

Pau isn’t the only California superstar of recent times to dabble his hand in acting. Recently, Nnamdi Asomugha also had a stint on Friday Night Lights as a Officer Ken Shaw, which in this case actually does make great casting. That’s why Nnamdi went to Cal.

Now, we all remember how some other athletes have hilariously tried to make the switch to acting:

UGHHHHHHHHH.

But I think with the right casting, some of our very own California athletes can make the jump to the big or silver screen, just like Nnamdi and Pau. It’s just about the part. Below is a list of athletes and the roles they were born to play in Hollywood.

JaMarcus Russell ...…………………. The lost Klump from the Nutty Professor
Philip Rivers …………………………Stereotypical 80’s jock college/high school villain
Jim Harbaugh ………………………... Philip Rivers’s character’s dad
Pete Carroll ………………………….. Philip Rivers’s character’s grand dad
Patrick Marleau ……………………... Stigmata victim # 1

Justin Fargas …………………………. Huggy Bear in the remake, remake of the 2003 version of Starsky and Hutch
Jeff Tedford ………………………….. Lead role in a Sgt. Slaughter biopic
The Anaheim Duck …………………… A cop in a remake of Howard the Duck (The duck part went to Tom Hanks)
Monta Ellis ……………………………. Gob from Arrested Development

San Jose State Football Team …………. Lead roles in a 2008-2009 Detroit Lions biopic movie
Kevin Riley …………………………….. Pip from Great Expectations
Don Nelson ……………………………… Barney Gumble in live version of the Simpsons
Donald Sterling …………………………. Russell Crowe’s character in Virtuosity (the combined intellect and psychiatric profile of every ‘evil’ person in history)
Norv Turner ……………………………… The coach from The Waterboy
Michelle Wie …………………………….. Live action version of Wendy Testaburger
Alex Smith ……………………………… The lead role as a quarterback from the new Wayans Brothers movie: Sports Movie

We're Going To Capitalize On These 5 Picks By Doing Absolutely Nothing

Well that game sucked.

Seriously, you pick Captain Sulk 5 times, and you only have 10 points to show for it?? Good lord, even the Jake Delhomme and the Panthers scored 34 points when they picked off Kurt Warner 5 times a few weeks ago. Yeah, you heard me, Jake Fucking Delhomme.

It's a good thing Cutler stunk it up, because the Niners would have been seriously fucked with that god awful offense (minus Frank Gore). And now Alex Smith has gone from Hero, to Goat, to 'Game Manager' in 3 weeks. Jesus Christ.

Well, it's still better than being a Raiders fan.

In short, this picture and caption pretty much sums up yesterday's game.

This man is making Kyle Orton look good. Talk about end of the world, 2012 couldn't come sooner.