Nostalgia Saturday: The One Where The Niners Won A Super Bowl Without Joe Montana

The Niners were always hot stuff in the 80's and 90's, but that was usually thanks to the heroics of Joe Cool. But in 1995, the Niners made the Super Bowl for the fifth time with this guy:

Basically, these Niners were the spin off series of the dominant team of the 80’s. They had the plucky unproven quarterback, aging guy desperate for one more shot at glory, and Ken Norton Jr. It’s practically the cast of an ABC sitcom.

Sure this team wasn’t as historic as Joe Montana’s but they were a sure fire bet to win the Super Bowl that year, mainly because the team they were playing, the Chargers, was this guy:

Jesus Christ. 6 TD later from Steve Young, and the Super Bowl was over. Oh, and this was the first time two teams from California played each other, and it still sucked.

Beast Mode Is Heading To The Pro Bowl

Congratulations to Marshawn Lynch for making to the Pro Bowl. Marshawn has rushed for over 1000 yards this year while battling injuries throughout the season. More impressively, he made the Bills actually look good at the beginning of the season, a feat that defies the logic of most men. He is making his first trip to the Pro Bowl this year after Chris Johnson had to sit out due to injury. And when the NFL says “injury” what they really mean is Lendale White ate him.

Photo via ProFootballTalk.com

To all the fat people who are offended because they are being compared to Lendale White, I am truly sorry.

Marshawn Lynch has become a fan favorite around the league, due to his blog and overall demeanor. Marshawn also increased his popularity with the introduction of his on field persona, The Beast Mode. Beast Mode is the state of mind that enables him to, in his words, go stupid fast on the field, a brute force that can only be described as “solid” by the man himself.



As you may know, the Pro Bowl is played in Hawaii, a land of peace and tranquility. This does not sit will with Beast Mode. Beast Mode is a violent, vicious entity ready to rip the souls out of lesser men. You think Beast Mode has time for ukuleles and luaus? Hell to the nah! Beast Mode would attend a luau and beat the shit out of that luau with a ukulele. It would run through it like a steam engine running through a window store. Why? Because that's what Beast Mode does, it tears through defensive lines, linebackers, safeties, kickers, mascots, babies, anything that dares stands in its way between it and the goal. It is an unstoppable, moving machine, just like the Juggernaut, except this being is real and not made up by a man who is slowly approaching senility.

Yet even in a place that is filled with beauty and joy, there must be somewhere that Marshawn and the Beast Mode can visit. Tony Gonzalez, another Cal alum, usually has his own favorite hotspots during his countless trips to Hawaii. Perhaps the majesty can even calm down the rage that Marshawn unleashes every Sunday in Buffalo. After all, if I played in Buffalo, I would have nothing but unbridled rage stored in my system. No wonder Beast Mode was created. Let's see if Hawaii's finest has something they can offer Marshawn...

Akaka Falls

To the normal man, this waterfall represents ever flowing power. As the stream of water crashes on the rocks below, one can’t help be awe inspired by this sight of raw, unrelenting force. However, Marshawn Lynch is no mortal man. The Beast Mode laughs at this. The Beast Mode has seen more powerful streams when his opponents spit out blood after they foolishly try to stop him on his way to the goal line.

Punaluu Black Sands Beach

The black sands on this beach are reminders of days when Hawaii’s volcanoes used to rule the island. The sight itself is rather impressive once you realize this is the first time you seen black sand not caused by oil tanker spills. This, however, does not impress the Beast Mode. It’s not like Marshawn hasn’t seen scorched Earth before, all he has to do is look behind him when he’s breaking a 70 yard run. The Beast Mode means it when he says “stupid fast.”

Surfing On the Big Island

Average Person: “That’s amazing. Surfers who chase this thrill must have no fear what so ever. If that were me, I’d be peeing in my pants.”

The Beast Mode: “Pussy.”

Kona Coffee Plantations

Kona Coffee is known as the rarest and most sought after Coffees in the world. Grown in volcanic soil, tourists all over the world crave for a taste of this Hawaiian brew. This is not good enough for number 23. The only thing that satisfies the Beast Mode’s thirst is making defenders feel the hurt! Oh, that, and a Coke from Applebee’s, because we all know that place is the shit. Disagree? The Beast Mode says fuck you.


Hawaii Volcanoes

Volcanoes: destructive, massive, and bursting with energy, fire, and chaos. The Beast Mode is mildly impressed.

So after looking at the options, it seems that Marshawn’s trip to Hawaii may not be suited for the persona known as the Beast Mode. That’s fine though. He can just kick back, have a Pina Colada, and save all that rage for the field. You think the Pro Bowl is a laid back fun fest, NFL? Well guess what, the Beast Mode is going to change all that. It’s over bitches.

For those of you expecting a Nostalgia Friday Post, it will be up tomorrow. I'll be ready to reminisce tomorrow. More importantly, I'll be more liquored up than I was last week, so expect something even more dreadfully depressing. Yay!

David Beckham World Domination Tour

David Robert Joseph Beckham, international sensation. One of the biggest soccer, or should I say football, stars in the world, along with Kaka, Ronaldo, Ronaldinho, and who have you not.

Now, I'm not a big soccer fan, but I was able to witness a match between arch rivals AS Roma and Lazio at Stadio Olimpico in Rome, Italy. I understand how big this sport is in Europe, and I definitely know that soccer fans are SERIOUS about their soccer territories. You talk about gangs here, they talk about soccer there.

Girls love him for his physique and good looks, and I guess some guys admire him for his way with the ladies. But soccer fans, what's wrong with this guy? He's practically trying to take over the world!

Domination Tour Stop #1: England

Born and raised in England, hometown hero playing for the powerhouse home team in Manchester United, someone who was actually good at the game, everyone loved him, yada yada yada...

Becoming the face of England, becoming bigger than the Queen herself, taking over England was like taking candy from a baby for David Beckham.

Domination Tour Stop #2: Spain

Traveled south to Madrid, Real Madrid. A few years later, the Spanish girls were drooling for him and the parties in Barcelona were dedicated to him. This man is unstoppable. Napoleon Bonaparte got nothing on him.

Domination Tour Stop #3: India

Bend It Like Beckham, enough said.

Domination Tour Stop #4: USA

Hollywood movie deals about him, and reality shows. David Beckham easily found the way to America's heart. Underwear model? Extra bonus for the valley girls.

Domination Tour Stop #5: Italy

Going to America was a vacation for him. Now he wants to actually play soccer again for the super competitive AC Milan, after dissing American soccer and calling it WEAK. Either way, a heavens load of money is going to be involved, enough for him to enjoy a delicious serving of panino con prosciutto e mozzarella every single day of his life.

Domination Tour Stop #6: China

With a gazillion people, you would think...but not this time, because truth will prevail. David Beckham is no match for Yao Ming and his brother/honorary Chinese ambassador Shaquille O'Neal, creator of the one and only SHAQ FU!

I Hope That Loss Felt Like An Elbow To Yo' Face!

Muhahahaha, you like that, Golden Boy?

Remember me? Raja “Ring Yo’” Bell? How does it feel to be an unstoppable giant in the NBA, winning game after game, only to get deuced deuced in double overtime thanks to the heroics of your mortal nemesis? Must feel as awesome as being forced to listen to Shaq’s rhymes for 4 hours straight.



Now people will be chanting: “How does Raja Bell’s ass taste like?” Tastes like bitter melon, just like the bitter taste I left in your mouth after our soul crushing victory in yo’ mouth. Correction, after I handed you that soul crushing victory. Damn, it’s good to be me.

Actually, it must feel awesome and full of redemption…………………..for me!! Thought I was going to talk about the Lakers huh? Wrong bitches! Raja Bell is a tricky son of a bitch like that. It’s because I got the streets smarts. I also got the balls the size of grapefruits, more than enough to take out the Lakers every time I play them.

And don’t try to pull none of that “I don’t know who this kid is” shit on me. You know who I am, all right? I’m the guy who just stomped all over your deez-nuts with my 17 points and elite caliber defensive skills.

Wait, what are you Laker fans saying? Saying that it was Diaw who carried the team with his 9 rebounds and 23 points? You say that my defensive skills suck because Kobe was still scored 38 points on my ass? Like I give a fuck about Boris Diaw or Kobe. Shit, son, don’t you know all that is thanks to me. Who do you think set Diaw up for all those rebounds huh? The boogie man? The tooth fairy? Vanessa Bryant. Fuck no! It was R-A-J-A, mutha fuckas!

Yeah, where’s your witty come backs and funny jokes now, Kobe? What’s that? What’s that? Oh yeah, that’s the sound of silence right there. I just Garfunkled your ass to the Stone Age.

Whooooo! Now it’s time to just take it easy. Fuck the championships, this was MY championship. Mission accomplished amigo!

Know who I am now, bitch!?!?!

Another Reminder That The Stanford Band Is Filled With A Bunch Of Cackling Douches

This blog has already pointed out that the Stanford Tree is easily the most retarded of all retarded mascots. It’s even worse than Steely McBeam.

However, it seems that sheer retardedness doesn’t stop at the tree. It easily extends out to the whole band. Below is a letter sent by one Peter “Shotgun” McDonald in response to the picture below via Deadspin.



Hi-diddly-ho neighborino,

It's the folks from the Stanford Band, that organization that effortlessly blends punk pop, sousaphones and pants dropping into a homogeneous creamy mixture, here to say that we saw your entry on the Tree today and we thought we could provide the appropriate context for this rogue photo, for as you know, the Tree is actually the mascot of the Band.

First off, We (or perhaps I is more appropriate, let's drop the Leitch-esque use of the royal we) are big fans of Deadspin. I love Deadspin like a fat kid loves cake. HOW-EVA, STEPHEN A. SMITH IS HERE TO SAY THAT YOUR APPROACH TO THE TREE NEEDS MORE NUANCE. You see, the Tree is like Che Guevara with bling on, he's complex. He leads a high-stress life, filled with enemies out to get him after they found out about the Rolexes and the Lexus and that he was blowin' up like nitro. Sometimes he needs to unwind, which may attribute to his/her past indiscretions, but is not at the root of this current image which indubitably was lifted from the Tree's Facebook profile. Now I know you understand my flow, so here we go.

From the looks of the surroundings, my best estimate is that that picture was taken at the 2007 Marin Country Special Olympics, who invited the Band to provide a funk-laden rockin' soundtrack to these athletes. They appreciated our boogieing so much, the local newspaper even wrote an article about it (Lookit Martha! We's in thu paypurs!). It's not as illicit is it may initially appear. In fact, our drum major just needed a visual illustration of the Krebs cycle for his Human Biology problem set, and the Tree and Dollies were more than willing to oblige. That's all that picture is. Move along folks, nothing to see here.

Also, and listen close because this part is the most important, as much as I love Deadspin posts with the cheerleader tag (and believe me do I ever) I would have to petition you to remove it from this photo. You see, those fetching lasses depicted are not cheerleaders at all. In fact, they are 3 of the Dollies, the Band's 5 woman dance team/ninja commando strike force. They only perform in a dance and/or roundhouse kick capacity, so as you can see, they are definitely not cheerleaders. The only way they resemble Stanford's designated cheerleaders is that neither of them actually lead cheers.

Finally, while nothing I can say will ever truly convince you. I can say that by and large most of the times when you see the tree he is not, in fact, schwasted, schmammered, nor even schipsy. Before every football game and basketball game, the Tree now has to take a breathalyzer test, and of course pass it. Funny story about that though, for our reunion game against TCU we had about 8 or so returning Trees, with their costumes and everything. That morning they had partaken in the Breakfast of Champions (aka beer and donuts) as well as some light post-BoC drinking, unbeknownst that a breathalyzer ambush awaited them as they entered the stadium. Twas a sad day when most of them were denied entry into the game, and made doubly sad by the fact that the entire ordeal took so long that we had no chance to do our pregame show that we spent hours on, listening to people in towers tell us how much we were messing it up. We almost didn't have time to play the Star Spangled Banner. That would have been a fine how-do-you-do. I tell you this story merely to illustrate what happens when our mission of rocking out and bringing the funk run up against stodgy administrators. It's veritably out of a college movie! Maybe a bra bomb would loosen them up a little.

Also, this story shows that maybe we should keep this picture on the d/l. If word got out that we were having S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N, they might just close down our Sex Cauldron once and for all.

Finally, know that this letter is primarily a procrastination technique, to avoid doing my problem set, but feel free to post any of it on your interwebs.

Rock the Fuck Out,
Peter "Shotgun" McDonald
Stanford Band, Public Relations

Seriously, Stanford Band, what the fuck? Now, we really try hard to maintain a non biased blog. We take many, many shots at our own school. Thus, if you are a member of the Stanford Band, please do not take offense to this post because it is not aimed at the Band, or even Stanford as a whole. However, the fact that this guy is your public relations representative is a real shame.

Is this guy trying to be funny, because instead he sounds like that creepy, pedofileish Uncle who shows up at your birthday party only because he wants to hit on all your friends. He throws out that lame jokes, lame references, and big words in a kind of humor that would only get an awkward laugh or be understood by 1 percent of the hipster population. Oh worst of all, he thinks he's smarter than everyone else. Che Guevara with bling? Get it, you barbaric, uneducated, primape? Hilarious! Did your manatee write that for you, you pretentious ass clown?


Fortunately, I wasn’t the only one slighted by this douchetastic response. Please observe the comments made by other Deadspin commenters:

“Someone's trying too hard."

“Well, I gotta say, I am shocked to find out that a School Band representative is an absolute nerd."

“This guy really appeals to me as a young person between the ages of 18 and 25!"

“Like most things involving Stanfurd, that email was horribly overwrought, painful to witness but ultimately insignificant."

And now because of this, there will surely be a new character, like Nash From the OC, from Stanford called Peter McBlowhard. Look for him soon.

Youtube Sundays: Slumdog Millionaire (Is A Great Movie)

I had the opportunity to watch Slumdog Millionaire yesterday, and let me tell you, it is a great movie.

Sometimes, especially in these hard times, it is easy to get jaded about things. The most common of subjects we often get pessimistic about is love and our country. After watching this movie, I have a greater appreciation of both.

Yes, this is going to be the type of movie that may make some feel even more jaded than before because of its feel good ending, but don’t let that discourage you. I felt that way when leaving the theatre, that endings like that only exist in the movies. But as I was driving home and I was thinking about it, I thought “well wouldn’t it be nice.” And even though happy endings don’t happen in all realities, it’s nice to know that in some realities, they do. We can only hope so, and to those people who don’t have any left, maybe watching a movie like this can reignite it.

And as you watch this movie, you will realize the meaning of struggle. We often watch movies about fantasy worlds and the struggles that the hero goes through, yet we feel like we’re missing a connection. This empty feeling mainly comes from the fact that in the movie we are watching, the hero and his trials are all make believe. What he or she goes through, it could never happen in real life. But as you watch young Jamal go through his trial and tribulations in his journey, you realize that this is happening, and the struggle is very real to millions of people.

I’m not here to try and cram a bunch of self righteous brew ha ha ha down your throat. If that was the case, it would do this movie a disservice. All I have to say is watch this movie and you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Jeff Kent is Sick of Baseball

So he's announced his retirement in a very teary way after a 17-year major league career.

Career Stats: .290 batting average, 377 homers, 1518 RBIs, .500 slugging percentage. Career homerun leader as a second baseman with 351, 74 more than Ryne Sandberg. Five-time All-Star, National League MVP in 2000. Drafted from Cal (Go Bears!) by the Toronto Blue Jays in 1989, MLB debut in 1992. Played for 6 different teams, including the Blue Jays, New York Mets, Cleveland Indians, San Francisco Giants, Houston Astros, and the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Great career, future Hall of Famer, no doubt. But here we're more interested in what else he's done.

Oh, let's see what comes to mind...


Bonds and Kent, or Kent and Bonds; one of the best 3-4 punch in baseball. On the field, yes. Off the field, arch-nemesis. Here's a story on ESPN about how Kent took Bonds' seat in a van. Way to start off your Giants career with a bang, Jeff. But I have to admit, your San Francisco days were your best.

Like the time Kent and Bonds shoved each other in the Giants dugout on national television. That was classic. Here's an ESPN recap, involving a migrating coconut debate.


And then there was the motorcycle incident. Kent got hurt. He said he slipped off his truck while washing it. He actually fell off his bike trying to pop a wheelie. What a loser. (Check out more stupid athlete injuries here!)

Oh Jeff Kent, how I'm going to miss your whining and bitching at everyone in your way, because that's how you are. You never back down. But since you're a Dodger, you had no choice but to retire. You learned from the past. First, you suck. Second, Hollywood isn't big enough for 2 superegotastic maniacal freaks.

Nostalgia Fridays: Kurt Warner and the Downward Spiral Called My Life

I know this isn’t very nostalgic, but whatever, it covers something that happened in high school, and that practically seems like light years away. Ugh, let me tell you kids, enjoy your youth. Even though I’m only in my early twenties, when you start working, you look and act more and more like an old fart everyday. I go to work, wonder what I’m doing with my life, come home to an apartment, wonder what I’m doing with my life, and go to sleep, oh, and wonder what I’m doing with my life. So this is what it feels like to have a mid life crisis. Sooner or later you’ll see me buying a Harley, and then you’ll know it’s over.

Thank god my best friend is Mr. Jack Daniel, he is always there to keep me company.

Any, enough about me and my border alcoholic existence, this article is meant to talk about the awesome entity known as Kurt Warner, or as I call him, the greatest Kurt around. Yes, he’s even better than Kurt Russell, and twice as dreamy. And that statement is totally not homosexual.

Kurt has risen this year as the greatest story to hit the NFL. His story surpasses Eli Manning’s annual choke job, the Cowboys annual meltdown, and even Kneegate. Oh, poor Tom Brady. There are already calls for him to sit on the bench by the world’s most ungrateful fans, Patriot fans (don’t worry Berkeley fans, you’ll get there soon). Tom Brady does not deserve to sit on the bench. He’s better than the Mannings, better than Romo, better than everyone. I base this on winning because, as I recall, he has more Super Bowl rings than any active quarterback playing in the NFL. In short, I would totally go gay for him. Okay, that statement is totally homosexual, I admit it.

Unfortunately, if I was to go totally gay for Kurt Warner, he would smite me down and beat me with a righteous cross, and I’m not talking about the punch. You see, Kurt is part of a group that is simultaneously the most loved and most hated group around: fundamentalist Christians. He loves Jesus (the gays, not so much), and he’s going to let you know it:



Mind the pun, but good God Kurt, what the heck is that? Is that supposed to be a picture of The Dude from The Big Lebowski? Jeff Bridges would be none too pleased about that.

Back in day, I was a huge Kurt Warner fan. Actually, I still am. And no, I am not a Christian, so please no bible quotes. When Kurt first emerged as a force in this league, it was way back in 1999. The Chiefs were 9-7 that year, but had the unfortunate honor of having Elvis Grbac as their starting quarterback. Yeah, that’s right, Elvis Grbac, the guy who cried during a game. As if I needed to say anymore, their season went down the shitter faster than, well, shit down a shitter. I mean seriously, we lost AFC West to the Seattle Seahawks. The SEATTLE SEAHAWKS!!! When Ricky Watters was their running back. Let me repeat that. Ricky Watters was their starting running back. And they made the playoffs with him while the Chiefs missed out. I was at a loss for words. Actually, I still am.

Thus, the only reason I ended up paying attention to the playoffs was because of Mr. Warner. I love underdog stories, and Kurt was as underdog as you get. You all know the story, the guy that bags your groceries ends up leading his team to the Super Bowl. That was Kurt Warner in a nutshell. But man, what a crazy nutshell that is! Can you imagine one day watching the Super Bowl only to see John H. Denver, the guy who delivers your mail, now delivering strikes to the end zone. That would be so cool.

And that is why, ladies in gentleman, Kurt Warner is the shit. I don’t know anyone who can truly say he made it like Kurt can. When you’re stuck in a shitty job bagging groceries and you have a family to support, life can look pretty glum, yet to have the motivation to continue and trying out, not to the NFL, but to the Arena League, that says a lot. He wasn’t even shooting for sky high, he was just shooting, hoping one day, in the long, long, long run, you’ll make it. And not only did Kurt Warner make it once by winning that Super Bowl, he’s battled critic after critic again, all who said he was washed up. Well who’s washed up now? Maybe it’s a certain guy from Mississippi who should’ve known when to retire….

I remember watching that Super Bowl against the Titans. It was a damn good Super Bowl. You had two young guns, McNair and Warner, duking it out. And the funny thing is, neither of them was that young. Warner was basically Chris Wienke age wise, except he didn’t suck balls like Wienke. The highlight of the game was when Warner threw that sweet 73 yards pass to Isaac Bruce for the game breaking score.

The Titans did keep it close though. Everyone remembers “the Tackle” and rightfully so. It was the greatest finish in Super Bowl history. But after the game was over, all that was left was for the confetti to fall and for my man Warner to collect his MVP trophy. Freakin’ awesome. As a freshman in high school, it was pretty damn exciting.




Then Derrick Thomas died a week later.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that was the beginning of the downward spiral I call my life. Nostalgic isn’t it?!

(Cue the Degeneration-X Theme Song)



Yeah, suck it, life.

Cameron Morrah in the NFL

Cal tight end Cameron Morrah has decided to forego his senior year and enter the 2009 NFL draft.

NFL scouts, college recruits, and other speculators--primarily just me--question this decision. So here's a couple scenarios that I think may or may not happen regarding Cameron Morrah in the NFL.

Take #1, Action!

Cal is deep at the tight end position, with Tad Smith, Anthony Miller, and Spencer Ladner. Good decision to let others evaluate you at your peak season and predict what you can or can't do.

6'4", 250 lbs, TREMENDOUS catching abilities in a sort of weak pool of tight ends following a 27 catch, 326 yard, 8 touchdown season (Cal tight end record) make Morrah a pretty decent pickup for any NFL team. He has a good upside.


Plus, deciding to turn pro for your grandma so she can watch you succeed at every level of football throughout your life shows that you will definitely play with heart. 4th or 5th rounder, any takers?

Take #2, Action!

Cameron Morrah you ass! Listen to Coach Tedford and stay in school. You could be a receiving threat for Cal next year, leading the Golden Bears to a Rose Bowl victory. What sounds so bad with Kevin Riley, Jahvid Best, and Cameron Morrah?

Your game would have develop so much more and your stats would've impressed waaaaaaaaay more people. Do you really think that one decent season means a $1 million contract in the NFL? Grow up, son!

Say goodbye to your Cal fame...

KCCal adds:

Right now it is a bit early to tell where Morrah will end up. Mel Kiper will probably put him in at a 4th rounder. McShay will probably put him at a 5th. Then they'll start bitching at each other about it. Then again, maybe Morrah will end up at neither, because we all know that Kiper's hair takes up at least the 6th and 7th rounds of the big board.

My prediction is a 6th rounder with the out come of having a 10 percent chance of getting signed, 40 percent chance in Mark Cuban's new league, the UFL, and 50 percent chance of becoming a P.E. teacher. All in all, those aren't bad options considering the job market.

I also forgot to add the 0.1 pecent chance of making it big and to the Pro Bowl. Then he can roll around Berkeley in the off season and throw wads of cash in all his doubter's faces. I for one will gladly be the first in line if this event happens.

Kevin Johnson vs Barack Obama: On The Court

Only after 20 hours or so into his new presidency, Barack Obama already has his share of doubters. The lack of confidence doesn’t come from conservatives who are still ho hum about his silence on Gaza, or ignorant folk who are skeptical of an African American President. No, this time the source of the doubt is coming from an even greater American monster:



Oh Kevin Johnson, you silly silly man. You think just because you played in the NBA that you can challenge the great Barack Obama. The same Barack Obama who united the country and tore down partisanship? The same Barack Obama who inspired a nation to defy odds and accomplish the once impossible? The same Barack Obama who will end hunger, poverty, lower gas prices, and throw piles of money to American citizens once his term is in full gear? Oh, Kevin Johnson, you are a mere mortal, while Barack is a god!!!!

So KJ thinks he can take President Obama in a one on one match up in hoops. Well no freakin’ duh. Sure, Obama is a superior politician who has accomplished many things, but KJ is a former NBA all star. He’s a guy that is a future hall of famer, a guy that was on the Dream Team II for crying out loud. Obama didn’t even play ball at Columbia, and their team sucks. Even I could be a walk on there. So in terms of B-Ball skills, yeah, KJ has his number.

Nevertheless, I decided to present a true tale of the tape between the two if they ever would throw down on the hardwood rectangle of death we spectators call “the basketball court.”

Kevin Johnson
Height_____________6 ft 1 in
Weight_____________190 lbs
Birthplace_____________ Sacramento, California
Residence_____________ Sacramento, California
Nickname_____________ Frog Jr
Political Party_____________ Democratic
Biggest Fans_____________ People from the Jordan era of basketball fans
Not-So-Biggest Fans_____________ 16 year old girls, Heather Fargo
Secret Ally _____________Ahhh-nold
Entrance Music _____________ “Wild Thing” by Tone Loc
Greatest Accomplishment _____________ Being a member of the Dream Team II
Finishing Move _____________ Challenging someone to a game where the advantage is obviously his


Barack Obama
Height_____________ 6 ft 2 in
Weight _____________ 185 lbs
Birthplace_____________ Honolulu, Hawaii
Residence_____________ Chicago, Illinois
Nickname _____________ Many (usually consists of the words Hope or Change)
Political Party _____________ Democratic
Biggest Fans _____________ Hollywood
Not-So-Biggest Fans _____________ Republicans, Racists, People who didn’t vote for him and are now called racists by liberals even though they’re really not
Secret Ally _____________ Menthol cigarettes
Entrance Music _____________ “Obama is Here” by Ludacris
Greatest Accomplishment _____________ Uh…. isn’t it obvious?
Finishing Move _____________ Giving liberals an excuse to act as obnoxious as Bush supporters

Stay Classy, San Diego

In honor of this historic day, I’ve decided that the classy thing to do is to put a hold on the jokes for one day and let this monumental moment sink in. Today is truly a day worth remembering, whether you voted for him or not. Let’s just enjoy this achievement for America and not let it be ruined by sports, insults, and crass comments.

Ahhh, who am I kidding, let’s just throw one in…


“Adios America, you assholes, thanks for making my last years a living hell. Now it’s time to head back to my ranch, cook some bbq, and watch some baseball. Peace.

Don’t mess with Texas.”

Super Bowl XLIII, What in the World?

Nobody's buying it, not even Las Vegas. Sports books are making the Pittsburgh Steelers 6.5 point favorites over the Arizona Cardinals.

The Arizona Cardinals.

Superbowl XLIII.

The Arizona Cardinals, Superbowl champions?

We know the world is going through an economic crisis, but the Arizona Cardinals? Underdogs are underdogs, but the Arizona Cardinals?

Larry Fitzgerald is a BEAST and one of the best wide receivers in the game,

but the Arizona Cardinals?

However many times I say it, I still can't believe I'm using these two phrases in the same sentence.

Arizona Cardinals. Superbowl. Arizona Cardinals. Superbowl. Arizona Cardinals. Superbowl.

That does not flow well at all. I'm going to have to sit on this one for quite some time.

YouTube Sundays: Manning vs. Williams

Watch the NFC Conference Championship Game, it's on like Donkey Kong!

Mark Sanchez and Pete Carroll Break Up

Congratulations Mark Sanchez, you're going to the NFL, going to play with the big boys now after starting only 16 college football games.

And way to go pissing off Pete Carroll. Now he's stuck with a junior transfer, a no-name sophomore, and another incoming freshman.

Mark Sanchez, Pete Carroll, USC. It was good while it lasted, but the REAL story for this weekend is...

San Francisco Giants pitcher Barry Zito.

First you do Alyssa Milano, then you win the AL Cy Young. Your career was on a roll--hot woman, sick curveball, surfing in the California sun, rocking out on your guitar--until you found Disney alum Hilary Duff. We let that slide, and now you hit rock bottom the past 2 years with the San Francisco Giants.

How do you top that? You go and get herpes.

Nostalgia Friday: Etch-A-Sketch

I was going to describe and explain how cool and awesome the Etch-A-Sketch was and still is, but I'll shut up and let the pictures do the talking. Prepare to be amazed.







There's a lot more where that came from. Just google it!