Kobe Bryant Is Here To Tell You His Summer Plans

Hey America,

It’s your favorite baller, Kobe Bryant, here to give you an update on what I’ve been upto after I got the Lakers to the championship.

Things have been relatively calm in the house of Bryant after I got my ring. You probably think that Kobe Bryant lives life in the fast lane all the time, but you could not be more mistaken my friend. All those stories about me partying, cruising down the streets of Hollywood with celebrities, that’s just a bunch of fabricated news stories that trashy celebrity websites like TMZ or CNN make up. No sir, don’t always believe what you read on the internet, Kobe Bryant is here to tell you that he’s just a normal guy like you or Joe 6-pack, trying to make a decent living for himself. I’m as average and American as apple pie.

Guy walks by.

Excuse me for a moment, there’s something I must attend to.

That’s better. Anyway where was I? Oh yes, my summer plans. Well so far, I haven’t really done much. I think a usually summer day for me starts off with a nice breakfast, eggs and bacon, you know the normal stuff. Then, I rest for a little bit, and then I start the training. A good jog usually does it for me. Gotta keep up that cardio to keep in shape, you know. And then-

Dog runs by.

Oh man, not again. Excuse me once more.

Elbows dog in the face.

That’s better. Sorry about that folks, it’s hard for me to concentrate with all these distractions around! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so after my jog, I then hit the courts for a few hours. I practice on everything, my jump shot, my dribbling skills, my rebounding, everything. And I do it 100 percent. You don’t get a championship without practice. Remember that kids. Then-

Shannon Brown walks by.

‘Hey Kobe.’

‘Hey, what the hell man?’

What the hell what, Shannon.

‘Dude you totally elbowed me in the face!’

So?

‘What do you mean so?’

I mean, what’s the big deal?

‘You really don’t know? Dude you can’t just elbow people in the face when you please.’

I can’t??

‘Yeah man, it hurts. It’s totally disrespectful too.’

Hmm…. you know what Shannon, you’re right. I always thought elbowing people in the face was an American past time, that people enjoy it as much as I do. And I’m sure they do. But what I didn’t realize was that maybe there’s something else on the other side of that elbow. Maybe there’s a human being on that other side, and maybe he or she doesn’t enjoy receiving that elbow I so forcefully drove into their cranium.

Wow Shannon, I’m really glad you pointed that out, I’ve learned a lot from this conversation. I admit, I’m not perfect. I’m a human being that makes mistakes. But I feel everyday I’m growing, as a father, as a leader, as a man. Now, I’m going to think long and hard before I dare throw an elbow, because I now realize it’s the wrong thing to-


‘GODDAMNNIT KOBE!!!!’

Eh, I am what I am.