Hi, My Name Is Kobe Bryant, And Today I Would Like To Elbow You In The Face

Hi America,

I’m Kobe Bryant, super star basketball from the Los Angeles Lakers. You know, throughout my life, people have always asked me what I really enjoy to do with all my hours. What is my passion, the drive that keeps me alive, the thing that keeps me going everyday? Most people probably think it’s my wife, or my kids, or even basketball. Well, I’m sorry to inform you that most people are wrong. Yes, you heard right. At the end of the day, basketball, love, and money don’t matter if I can’t do what I truly love which is…

…elbowing people in the face.

Yes sir, after a hard days work at the courts, the only thing I really like to do is pour myself a glass of merlot, turn the TV on, plop myself on my nice plush couch, and start elbowing the night away. I pretty much like to elbow anything in sight, my lamp, my car, Mike Bibby, anything that comes my way.


I guess it all started when I was wee little boy at elementary school. One day I was playing basketball with some friends. I had just broken away with a steal and the only person guarding me was my friend Todd. As I drove hard for the easy layup, I noticed there was something wrong with Todd’s cheek. In the few milliseconds I had before the layup was complete, I took a quick look.

Why, it was perfectly clean, no bruises or anything! Then, at that moment, something inside of me ripped to my brain. For some reason, I don’t know why, I lost my sense of control. I remember it quite clearly, my elbow began to swing. I saw it move towards Todd’s face and you know what, I didn’t fight it.

And in a flash, it happened. BAM! Two points, and Todd was on the ground bleeding from the mouth. The other kids quickly ran to Todd to console him and some other kids ran to me to ask me, “what the fuck, man!” I just simple smiled, said “that’s part of the game,” and trotted away, like I do today. And you know what, after it was all over, I felt great about myself. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it was the fact that I scored, maybe it was the fact that I let Todd know no one can defend me, maybe it was the fact that I got away with it. All I knew is, right there and then, I found my calling in life.

And now, I get to do it for a living. Sure, I have to score some points and maybe get some assists here and there, but what really drives me on the court is when I see a defender with a nice, clean face and I get to plant one of these pointy elbows right into their temple. I even gave them names, Sherry and Dr. Pain.

And now, thanks to my influence, my teammates have found the Zen to elbowing. Just ask Luis Scola.



Ahh, nothing makes me happier than seeing an Argentinean eat one. Really makes me feel like I’m making a difference in the world.