The City of San Jose Congratulates You, Anaheim Ducks

Dearest City of Anaheim,

The city of San Jose would first like to congratulate you on your playoff victory over our beloved Sharks. Coming into the series, you were a tremendous underdog, and we respect that. A lot of people had us going far far far into the NHL playoffs, but your skill, determination, and moxie allowed you to push yourselves past us. As we sit on the sidelines and heal our bruised egos from this crushing loss, we must say we salute you Anaheim, job well done.

San Jose is not unfamiliar with playoff upsets either. In the early days of our beloved Sharks’ NHL existence, we have ousted the likes of Detroit and Calgary in first round upsets. We too know how its like to be the lowest rung in the NHL playoff ladder only to slowly topple the Goliaths, Mike Tysons, Houston Universities, and Michigans of our fair sport. Just like you, we have been David, we have been North Carolina State and Appalachian State, we have been Buster Douglass. It’s no easy feat to face overwhelming odds, but we know of the victory you feel tonight. Good for you.

And with those last words, the City of San Jose only has one thing left to say to you, Anaheim. Fuck you. Fuck you long and hard, tall and wide, thin and short. You think being the Cinderella is cute, that people love the underdog? Well guess what, the Silicon Valley loves that shit, but only when it happens to us, you So Cal pussbags.

And now, the City of San Jose presents to you, City of Anaheim, the destruction of everything you hold dear. Let’s begin.

Fuck the City of Anaheim and everything that comes with it. Fuck the Ducks. It’s real great to know that your team is based off a third rate sports movie starring Emilio Estevez, the lesser talented one of the dreaded Sheen brothers. The first one was okay, the second one was plausible, but the third one was just unnecessary. A team goes from winning the Olympics to being Junior Varsity at a prep school? WTF? And what the hell happened to Jesse Hall in the third one, that kid was bad ass.

Fuck any sports teams associated with Anaheim, mainly the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Choose a city for Christ’s sakes. Lose the Anaheim off the name, it makes the Angels sound like they’re some retarded offspring that was banished from Los Angeles and forced to represent a far more inferior So Cal city. Oh, and John Lackey is on my fantasy team right now, and that guy blows.

Fuck California Adventures. Who came up with that idea anyway? Replicating the Golden Gate Bridge, Hollywood, and Yosemite sounds like a great idea for a theme park if they weren’t, you know, only a few hours away. I can’t wait for the next theme park to grace Anaheim: Anaheim Adventures.

And fuck you for the fact that you just call yourselves the Ducks. What happened to the word “Mighty”? (I have been informed the ‘mighty’ was dropped after it was sold to Henry Samueli. Well I have to inform him that he’s also an ass.)

Fuck the Honda Center. I liked it better when it was called the Arrowhead Pond, you sellouts. Oh, so you say we’re the sellouts for changing our sponsor every few years. Well you have a good point, Anaheim, but I have a better one: you’re assholes. San Jose 1, Anaheim 0.

Oh, and on that point, fuck Honda. I drive a Honda Accord 1996, and guess what, it’s a piece of shit. The doors won’t lock and the driver side window is stuck, and you know who I blame it on, you City of Anaheim.

And lastly, fuck Disneyland. There, I said it, what now.

And fuck Downtown Disney. Yeah, you guys have a ESPN Zone, Rainforest Café, and the Disney Monorail there, but do you have the……um………..hm…….. Tiki Lounge? Uh, yeah, that’s what I thought.

In short, once again the City of San Jose would like to say congratulations to the Ducks...... but also a hearty fuck you. In the words of the great Clint Eastwood: “I'll blow a hole in your face then go inside and sleep like a baby.” We know it has nothing to do with hockey, but it’s pretty bad ass.

Sincerely,

The Silicon Valley