I'd Love to Play In San Francisco, Just Do Something About All Those Sinners!

Hello my brothers. There has been a lot of talk lately about my future and where I plan to play football next year. The Cardinals have yet to close me in on a deal, so I want to look at my options. I’ve been on a pilgrimage of some sort, an exodus as you will, just like our savior’s savior Moses. In this way, I feel like my journey to find another team hasn’t only been a journey about football, but rather more of a spiritual type of journey.

That is why I decided to make San Francisco my first stop on my quest for the higher plane. Let me tell you right now, San Francisco is a beautiful city. The weather is none too dry yet none too cold. The landscape is breathtaking with several nice views among the hilly streets. The architecture is truly a holy wonder in itself. I mean just look at this one:

Awe-inspiring. Too bad that ugly building behind it ruins the shot. Most importantly though, San Francisco is the perfect place for me for this simple fact: there are so many heathens here! I am, after all, on a mission to not only find redemption among myself, but also among my fellow brothers and sisters who also live on God’s green earth. And just look at this place. No seriously, look at it!

The God that fills my heart up with the holy spirit weeps. This city needs my divine powers more than ever.

Every district must be purified. I go to Chinatown and what do I see? Bootleggers and types of meet that only Satan would eat. God intended that man would not subject themselves to thievery, and guess what, watching a stolen copy of Apocolypto is thievery! No ifs, ands, or buts. And have you seen what people eat when they have Dim Sum?

The Church does not approve. I’ll stick with my ice milk, thank you very much. Soon, you will too.

Then there’s the Broadway district. If I sign with the Niners, I personally plan to make it my goal that all the adult clubs on Broadway be replaced by either churches, bible youth group facilities, or a gyms so that upcoming Christian Rock Groups can have concerts in them. These harlots must be put away!

People say that San Francisco was the leader in the sexual revolution. Well Kurt Warner is here to lead another kind of revolution, one that promotes abstinence and not these dirty dens of sins.

And don’t get my started about the Castro.

No seriously, don’t, I have a notice from my lawyer telling me to refrain from commenting about the Castro. I don’t want to pull a Tim Hardaway or anything.

Fear not though city by the bay, Jesus was able to save man from all his sins, and I plan to do the same. I’ll leave you with a powerful quote. It’s one of my favorites:

“Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints. (Ephesians 6:18)” Think about it my brothers.

San Francisco, your savior is found!