F--k! What Did I Do To Deserve This?!?

"Oops, wrong Cable"

February 4, 2009, Tom Cable sits at the breakfast table. He has just picked up the Oakland Tribune from his front door.

Man, what a great morning. It’s so sunny outside, and I can’t remember the last time I got so much sleep. *Yawn* A good day to start the day. Let’s see what’s in the paper… Hmmm…. Looks like the GOP is already starting to complain about this stimulus package… geez can’t we all just agree on something? Oh well, let’s switch over to the sports section… Hmmm, looks like the Celtics won in a close one…. The Sharks are do-……Oh………shit….

Looks at the paper closer.

Oh…..shit……………………

Looks at the paper again.

Holy….. fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Drops paper on the ground. Sports page headline reads “Tom Cable hired as Oakland Raiders head coach.”

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK…………….FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Head coach? Head coach….!?! OF THE FREAKIN’ OAKLAND RAIDERS?!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD, WHY!??!? WASN’T THAT JOB ROB RYAN’S FOR THE TAKING?!? I’M JUST AN OFFENSIVE LINE COACH?!!? WHAT THE HELL?!?! WHY, GOD, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!

Cable reaches for a paper bag, starts breathing into it.

How the hell did I get this job anyway? Wasn’t my 11-35 record at Idaho enough to sway them away for me. Or my losing record as interim coach? I mean, I was no Mike Singletary. I thought if I lost enough, it’d be a sure fire way to not get this job. 4-8 doesn’t exactly scream head coach material. Neither does offensive line coach. I thought I had the credentials to not get hired. Damn.

Gets glass of water. Splashes it on his face.

Okay, calm down Tommy Boy. It can’t be that bad. I mean times are hard, I should be grateful I’m getting a promotion. People are looking for jobs now and I’m complaining, c’mon now Tom, that ain’t right. I should be ha-……………………. ah who am I kidding? I’m coaching the Raiders. The Raiders!!! Aggggh! Look at what they did too Lane. They practically destroyed him. What could be worse?

Phone beeps.

Hmm, looks like I have a voice message.

Hey, Tom, it’s me, Al. I just wanted to congratulate you on your new position. I’m very excited about the choice I made and I’m looking forward to a successful future. By the way, I’ll be collecting your soul today at one thirty. I’d get it during lunch, but I have my daily lunch with Satan at that time. See you soon!

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!