Three Easy Steps To Reporting the Chris Mortensen Way

Step One: Getting the Scoop

“Oh, what a great day for reporting. It’s nice a breezy here and Bristol. Let’s see what’s going on in the NFL today. Hmm…. LaDanian got injured in San Diego’s win against the Colts. Boring. The Dolphins are playing the Ravens today? Ugh, I’m not sure if anyone is even watching that game. Hm…., I need a scoop, I need a scoop…. Let’s check my e-mail.

Opens gmail. Subject: Please help the Prince of the Southern Villiage of Abukenza and You Will bE HandSomly ReWarded.

“Hmm… this could be spam… or it could be a lead! Let’s see, say I help this supposed prince, that means I would be rewarded with something, maybe a share in a football team! And not just any football team, but the Oakland Raiders. This obviously means the Raiders are selling their team! It makes perfect sense. Oh, those Raiders think they’re such a slippery bunch, but they can’t get past the keen intellect of Chris Mortenson. Muahaha!”

Step Two: Reporting the Story on ESPN.

“In order to report a good story, we need to make it believable. People love facts and numbers, so let’s just say the Raiders are selling, oh I don’t know, 10 percent of their stake. That’s a nice round number. And who would be interested in buying? Hm… I need a name… need a name. Well yesterday, I was watching The Adventures of Lois and Clark. It starred Dean Cain… Dean! That’s a perfect name. Now for a last name. Superman works in Metropolis. I got it, Dean Metropolis, and to make it plausible, let’s just misspell that last name. Now it’s Dean Metropoulis. Perfect! Mortenson, you’ve done it again!”

Step Three: Deny Accountability.

“What’s all this gibberish about the Raiders not happy about my reporting? I am an award winning football analyst, not some no talent hack blogger. I have real scoops and real tips, how dare Al Davis question my reporting ability! I know what I’ll do; I’ll just turn it back on him:

"The Raiders have lost the privilege with me of running stories past them for comment. This stems from their history of denials to most stories I have reported -- as well as others in the media -- when those stories have eventually proven to be true. The latest example is I reported that Al Davis planned to interview Giants offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride and, of course, the story was trashed by a team spokesman."

Take that Al. Now, thanks to my crafty spin play, you are the bad guy. No one questions Chris Mortenson, no one! MUAHAHAHA, I am an evil mastermind genius low tier NFL reporter, fear my story making abilities!”


“Chris Mortensen reporting for ESPN, this just in: Suck it, Raiders.”