Beast Mode Is Heading To The Pro Bowl

Congratulations to Marshawn Lynch for making to the Pro Bowl. Marshawn has rushed for over 1000 yards this year while battling injuries throughout the season. More impressively, he made the Bills actually look good at the beginning of the season, a feat that defies the logic of most men. He is making his first trip to the Pro Bowl this year after Chris Johnson had to sit out due to injury. And when the NFL says “injury” what they really mean is Lendale White ate him.

Photo via ProFootballTalk.com

To all the fat people who are offended because they are being compared to Lendale White, I am truly sorry.

Marshawn Lynch has become a fan favorite around the league, due to his blog and overall demeanor. Marshawn also increased his popularity with the introduction of his on field persona, The Beast Mode. Beast Mode is the state of mind that enables him to, in his words, go stupid fast on the field, a brute force that can only be described as “solid” by the man himself.



As you may know, the Pro Bowl is played in Hawaii, a land of peace and tranquility. This does not sit will with Beast Mode. Beast Mode is a violent, vicious entity ready to rip the souls out of lesser men. You think Beast Mode has time for ukuleles and luaus? Hell to the nah! Beast Mode would attend a luau and beat the shit out of that luau with a ukulele. It would run through it like a steam engine running through a window store. Why? Because that's what Beast Mode does, it tears through defensive lines, linebackers, safeties, kickers, mascots, babies, anything that dares stands in its way between it and the goal. It is an unstoppable, moving machine, just like the Juggernaut, except this being is real and not made up by a man who is slowly approaching senility.

Yet even in a place that is filled with beauty and joy, there must be somewhere that Marshawn and the Beast Mode can visit. Tony Gonzalez, another Cal alum, usually has his own favorite hotspots during his countless trips to Hawaii. Perhaps the majesty can even calm down the rage that Marshawn unleashes every Sunday in Buffalo. After all, if I played in Buffalo, I would have nothing but unbridled rage stored in my system. No wonder Beast Mode was created. Let's see if Hawaii's finest has something they can offer Marshawn...

Akaka Falls

To the normal man, this waterfall represents ever flowing power. As the stream of water crashes on the rocks below, one can’t help be awe inspired by this sight of raw, unrelenting force. However, Marshawn Lynch is no mortal man. The Beast Mode laughs at this. The Beast Mode has seen more powerful streams when his opponents spit out blood after they foolishly try to stop him on his way to the goal line.

Punaluu Black Sands Beach

The black sands on this beach are reminders of days when Hawaii’s volcanoes used to rule the island. The sight itself is rather impressive once you realize this is the first time you seen black sand not caused by oil tanker spills. This, however, does not impress the Beast Mode. It’s not like Marshawn hasn’t seen scorched Earth before, all he has to do is look behind him when he’s breaking a 70 yard run. The Beast Mode means it when he says “stupid fast.”

Surfing On the Big Island

Average Person: “That’s amazing. Surfers who chase this thrill must have no fear what so ever. If that were me, I’d be peeing in my pants.”

The Beast Mode: “Pussy.”

Kona Coffee Plantations

Kona Coffee is known as the rarest and most sought after Coffees in the world. Grown in volcanic soil, tourists all over the world crave for a taste of this Hawaiian brew. This is not good enough for number 23. The only thing that satisfies the Beast Mode’s thirst is making defenders feel the hurt! Oh, that, and a Coke from Applebee’s, because we all know that place is the shit. Disagree? The Beast Mode says fuck you.


Hawaii Volcanoes

Volcanoes: destructive, massive, and bursting with energy, fire, and chaos. The Beast Mode is mildly impressed.

So after looking at the options, it seems that Marshawn’s trip to Hawaii may not be suited for the persona known as the Beast Mode. That’s fine though. He can just kick back, have a Pina Colada, and save all that rage for the field. You think the Pro Bowl is a laid back fun fest, NFL? Well guess what, the Beast Mode is going to change all that. It’s over bitches.

For those of you expecting a Nostalgia Friday Post, it will be up tomorrow. I'll be ready to reminisce tomorrow. More importantly, I'll be more liquored up than I was last week, so expect something even more dreadfully depressing. Yay!