Nash From The OC Wishes You A Happy New Year

Hey Brahs,

Tomorrow is the Rose Bowl, and guess who is playing? Why USC of course. Totally wicked isn’t it? You may not know this, but I’m a huge USC fan. How can I not be? I mean hello, dudes, it’s the University of SoCal, SO CAL, only the greatest place in all of earth. Hold on a minute.

Answers Bluetooth.

Sup dude, did you get the tickets? You dude? Totally awesome man. All right, then, well I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.

Sorry about that, it was just my bro Justin. He was a production assistant on the Hills, and guess what? He got tickets to the Rose Bowl tomorrah. Sick, huh, brah?

I can’t wait to go, I’ll be surrounded by total hardcore USC fans like me. What are they playing for anyway? The national championship? I heard it’s something like that. Is Leinart still their quarterback?


Anyway, I have to go now, but I wish everyone a Happy New Year! What are you doing anyway? Me? Oh, I’ll be chatting it up with the cast of the Real Housewives of Orange County, because they are totally chill!

The Bucs Kick Out A Raiders Fan For Acting Like, Well, A Raiders Fan

This is Steve, a longtime Raiders fan from New Jersey who flew down to Tampa to watch the Raiders upset and end the playoff hopes of the Bucs in Tampa. Naturally, as a fan of any team would do, he cheers for his team when they score, cheers for his team when they stop the opposing team. THAT, however, was too much for the Buc nation to handle, and Steve was firmly ejected. Actually, ejected is a nice term, he was escorted by the police out of the stadium. I don't know about you, but usually this kind of treatment is reserved only for gentlemen (and gentle ladies) who engage in some sort of fisticuffs. Steve however claims innocence. He wrote a nice long e-mail to the folks in Tampa Bay regarding his experience (thanks to the Consumerist for the scoop):

Good afternoon,

I apologize for the number of individuals included on this communication as I was unsure who to contact about this.

I had a very negative experience at Raymond James Stadium while attempting to attend the Buccaneers/Raider NFL football game. My day started poorly as I was forced to go to three different entrance gates because I was "wearing the wrong colors" before I could obtain admittance with my ticket to the game.

The game went without incident up until the first score of the game by the Raiders. I stood in celebration, and before the extra point was even kicked, I was being led away by stadium personnel. Once out of the stands, I was placed in handcuffs, although I was not resisting the stadium personnel's requests, or read my rights and placed under arrest. I was lead to a single person holding cell where my possessions were removed, and I was subjected to a full body frisking. After being detained for roughly 30 minutes, I was released outside of the stadium, and informed that I could not return to the stadium.

As a long time fan and supporter of the NFL, I am greatly disappointed by my treatment at today's game. I feel like I was personally singled out due to my team affiliation, and this was totally unwarranted. I was not intoxicated or found to be in possession of any illegal substances. I was not being verbally or physically abusive to any other fans or players. There were no requests to adjust my behavior prior to this either, which was not causing an issue as multiple witnesses can attest to.

I understand the stadium has the right to remove any attendees as stated on the ticket, but my treatment today was completely unacceptable. I came down to Tampa Bay from New Jersey specifically to see this game, and then was stripped of the ability to enjoy the game. I would like to know if there are any options by which I may file a formal complaint against the personnel at the stadium? I wish I could provide you with more information as to the individuals involved, but they would not provide me with that information prior to my removal.

Any assistance in this matter would be appreciated. Thank you and I hope you all had an enjoyable holiday.

Seems civil enough. The Bucs responded promptly, though it was more or less blowing him off (thanks to Deadspin for this tidbit):

We are sorry that you did not have the experience that you expected to have here at Raymond James Stadium during the Raiders game. We seek to offer each fan a positive experience.

Your inquiry, however, cannot be addressed by our staff due to your ejection by the Tampa Police Department. The TPD records indicate that you were intoxicated and caused a disturbance by cussing and instigating fights, thus your questions must be directed to them, now. Please call *** at ********* and he will respond to your concerns.

Naturally, Steve was not pleased. He decided to fire back, which really just turned into a fan versus organization sissy fight:

So lets assume that I was in fact intoxicated and causing a disturbance by cursing and instigating fights. I feel like the worst decision would have been to release me outside of the stadium. I would hope that individuals acting in the manner described above were either arrested or detained until they were settled down. Tossing a drunk person trying to start fights back out into the public doesn't sound like a great idea to me.

Like i said before though, I wasn't drunk. I did have a couple beers outside of the stadium, but I wasn't drinking inside the stadium. I was not breathalyzed or given a field sobriety test by the officers, so I'm not sure how they made that determination.

I'll admit I probably cursed at some point in the first quarter and a half of the game. I wasn't directing it at any fans, but I'm sure a "F*uck yeah!" as the Raiders forced another punt popped out at some point. I would have felt it was totally reasonable for someone from the Tampa Bay staff to pull me out my seat, and ask me to adjust my language.

It's odd how the story changes quickly. First Steve claims he was a complete gentleman in one e-mail, then slyly mentions a that he may have had a few drinks and slipped some f-bombs in the next. This story is starting to have so many takes on it, it's like the Clinton Era all over again!

Anyway, the moral of the story here kids is mind your surroundings when visiting an opposing stadium, because they have all the power. Oh yeah, and the other moral is that the Bucs stadium staff are total dicks.

Mike Singletary Is Pumped To Be The Official Coach Of The Niners

Now that the season is over, we can forget all the interim coach nonsense and get down to business. The 49ers just signed me for a 10 million dollar contract for four years. I have to tell you first hand, I could not be more excited. I went 5-2 in that last seven game stretch. I’m really looking forward to the next year.

Now, I know a lot of you guys might be skeptical about my zany antics, but let me assure you, they’re all motivational techniques. I mean, nothing really gets through to athletes these days. They got million dollar contracts, promotional deals, women, cars, everything you can think of thrown into their laps, so why would they be motivated to go out an bust their butts out with all these luxuries hurled in their direction? These boys need something, someone, to fire them up and so they can give 110% out there on the field. That’s why I was here, and that’s why we won those games down the stretch. I got those boys pumped up ready to go onto the field for battle. That’s what Mike Singletary antics do, they motivate people, no matter how outrageous it is.

Excuse me for a moment.

Drops pants.

That’s better. See, doesn’t that make you want to go out and do something? You there, sitting on your computer, reading this blog. Don’t you have like faxes to get out or programs to write? Why are you wasting your time here? Oh that’s right, because you’re a lazy asshole! Well guess what, Mike Singletary is here to change that. What you just need is something to fire you up. Hm…. I got an idea to just do that!

Pours gasoline on car. Throws match. Car is lit on fire.

See that’s what you need to do, you need to bring the heat, just like how I brought the heat to this automobile. When I use metaphors, it’s not enough to just say them, I got to illustrate it to people so it really gets into their brains. That’s the only way they’ll learn.

So you ready to work now? What? Still on your lazy butt reading this blog. I thought you had a TPS report to work on? Damnit, then I’m not doing MY job. Hmm… well how about this. In order to do some work, you need to forget about anything on your mind. You got to keep it clear. Don’t want to work because you have that new Xbox game on your mind?

Takes Xbox and smashes it with hammer.

There. Done. Won’t be thinking about it no more!

YOU’RE STILL HERE???? THAT’S IT, I HAVE TO TAKE DRASTIC MEASURES. SEE THIS ADORABLE CALF:

Well let’s just say if you don’t get to work, I’ll find it a new home… with my local butcher! The nail gun is going to be a packin’!!!

Why did I do that? Because I’m Mike Singletary, bitch. It’s how I get people to work!

Man, I’m so fired up now!!! YEAAAAAAAAAARGGGGHHH!!

Holy Sh-t! The Chargers Can Still Make the Playoffs?!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, when did this happen? I thought ever since going 6-8, the Chargers were done for. A 6-8 team in playoff contention? You es mucho loco my amigo!

But seriously, I did not see this coming. It completely blindsided me. So as we take our week break from posting, let’s just hope San Diego makes it through, because I don’t think I can go a month without making fun of Norv Turner.

Youtube Sunday: Elf Date Scene

In honor of X-mas, here's what I think is the best scene from Elf.

"You missed."

GOAAAAAAAAAALLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, we really pulled an Ohio State there.

Hopefully, this will just serve as a reality check and the Sharks will dominate for the rest of the season until they inevitably lose in the first or second round of the playoffs like they do every year.


Note: Friday Nostalgia will be moved to Saturday Nostalgia thanks to this monstrosity. Also, we notice there has been a lack of meaty articles, so we’ll try to improve on that. Your opinions matter to us!

Only One Man Is Fit To Run The Sacramento Kings Now

Two days ago, Reggie Theus was dismissed as coach of the Sacramento Kings. Theus lead the Kings to an abysmal start at the beginning of the season, winning only one game in the whole month of October. In the end, the Kings were 6-18 at the time of his firing. Sadly for Theus, coaching will not be what he was remembered for.

Instead, what I remember Theus for is that he had an integral role in the show Hang Time. On the show he was Bill Fuller, a character who was what else but a coach. Theus’s character had more success than Theus did in real life, as Coach Fuller was offered a full time job at Southern Florida University at the end of third season. Maybe Theus can do the same.

Currently, the interim coach of the Kings is Kenny Natt.

So far, Natt’s record is 1 and 1. Hey, he already has a higher win percentage than his predecessor. All right!!

However, the key thing to point out here is that Natt is an interim coach. That means that the coaching field is wide open for anyone to take. There has been a lot of talk about who the Maloof brothers will take. Ben Howland? Avery Johnson? Mark Jackson?

To all of these “professionals” I say pssht. We all know who is going to have the upper hand when it comes time for the Kings to hire….

For some reason, I totally forgot his real name was Mark Curry and NOT Mark Cooper. Whoops.

Curry may have certainly no experience in the NBA, but his character was a former player in the big leagues. Plus, he had his own sitcom, just like Theus. I mean, at this point, this is the best thing the Kings can shoot for.

Am I right? Am I right? Thank god I’m a Warriors fan instead….

Shit.

Brett Favre Screws Over Someone From California Yet Again

Thanks a lot Brett, because of you someone else’s spotlight is stolen so you can live your glory days as the old man down the river.

Look, I get it. Brett Favre is a legend. He’s a guy who loves the game and plays through anything no matter how much it might make him look like a blowhard. He’s the kind of guy that will play through sore ankles, strained quads, and aching biceps in order to lead his team out to victory. He’s the kind of guy who brushes off family tragedy in to stay tough on the field. He’s also the kind of guy that every Sports Illustrated (Peter King), ESPN (Chris Berman), NBC (John Madden) gloat fellates everyday every time they write an article or take air time to boast about how Brett has more “grit” than every other NFL legend in the history of the game.He’s also the kind of asshole who says he’s going to retire, has a change of heart, then throws a hissy fit once he finds out his team already had plans once he decided to go.

I know Brett, shocking; the world doesn’t revolve around you. Or maybe it does, because yesterday this guy got screwed:

I know Philip Rivers isn’t he most loved guy in the NFL, but seriously, he totally should have been in the Pro Bowl instead of Brett Favre. Why? Well I hate to use the fantasy football argument, but stats. Let’s take a comparison.

QB Rating
Philip Rivers: 101.4. NFL Leader
Brett Favre: 86.5. Behind the likes of Shaun Hill, Matt Cassell, and Jeff Garcia

Pass TDs
Philip Rivers: 28. Tied with Drew Brees as NFL Leader
Brett Favre: 21

Pass Yards
Philip Rivers: 3515
Brett Favre: 3052

Fumbles:
Philip Rivers: 8
Brett Favre: 10

And the most glaring stat of them all, INTs:
Philip Rivers: 11
Brett Favre: 17. NFL Leader (!)

Now, the obvious counter point to this is a stat I did not list: wins. Right now the Jets are 9-5 battling the Patriots and Dolphins for division leader while the Chargers pretty much crapped out 2 weeks ago with a 3 game losing skid. However, I would like to point out that the Jets have and actual running game in Thomas Jones while LT’s skills decided to go into submission this year. And Rivers himself has been a model of consistency, only having 2 games where he’s thrown more picks than TDs, and never throwing more than 2 INTs a game. Meanwhile, Captain Asshole has had an abysmal 5 games where he’s thrown more INTs than TDs and one game where he threw it more than twice to someone not on his team.

Plus, Rivers has to deal with the coaching monstrosity known as Norv Turner. One man can only do so much.

And you know handed one of those losses to the Jets? That’s right, Philip Rivers and the San Diego Chargers, bitch.

So as much as you people say the Pro Bowl isn’t about the stats, I say yes it is. One man cannot account for all his teams’ wins and losses. Unless, of course, that man’s name is Norv Turner. God, why is he still coaching?

Morten Anderson, I Will Miss You <3

(Remember, Ms. Auto is a Saints fan. And where do you think she got the name Ms. Automatic from?)

It's been awhile since I've written a poem.
Morten, this one's for you...

Morten, the game won't be the same without a kicker like you
Oh gosh, we will miss how your kicks went through
Remembering my young days, I loved you as a Saint
Then you went to other teams and it wasn't the same
Even though you left New Orleans, you were always in my heart
Now that you're leaving, where do I even start,

Thank you Morten, you've been an icon to watch
Home, however, is now where you'll gather your thoughts
And it's not on the sidelines with the guys anymore
Now things will change on how you'll score
Know that we, your fans, will miss you much
Sorry, I hate goodbyes, can we keep in touch
<3


May you be able to represent in Denmark or ESPN news
So that we can continue to watch you make it through
Afterall, I have been rooting for years for your kicks
Usually was not the case, you were ALWAYS my pick
Today and forever I will respect your game
Only thing left to say is you're always my Saint.

C.C. You Later, Hey Hey Mr. 300

Now that Chubby Chubster Sabathia is THANK GOD out of the question for the Giants, I think the whole Giants organization and their millions of fans can move on to another ridiculous player whom we're willing to pay $200 million for.

Can you imagine having Fatty McFatterson for 6 years, when his weight will increase exponentially to about 578 lbs, plus an average majorly overpriced pitcher who's zoned out in his Planet Zito, both for a quarter billion dollars?!

Do we NEED any more pitchers? With Cy Young Tim Lincecum, soon-to-be Cy Young Matt Cain, have-to-play-him-because-we-paid-him Barry Zito, promising Jonathan Sanchez, hopefully returning Noah Lowry, and Lincecum-like Tim Alderson and Madison Bumgarner lurking in the minors, do we have a surplus of pitchers?

What's the appropriate Giants response? Why, of course we NEED another pitcher! We have ABSOLUTELY no offense, that's why we MUST get another pitcher!! Too bad our Bay Area native C.C. is taken. But hey, we got the next best thing available:

45-year-old Walnut Creek/Livermore native Randy Johnson.


I mean, he would TOTALLY fit in San Francisco. How could you not love a 6'10" local youngster who's at the prime of his life, sporting the best mullet in the history of professional sports.


Oh yeah, he's only 5 wins away from career win #300. That'll sell a fewtickets to AT&T Park. He's everything you need in a pitcher, right? You need a perfect game? He's done it. Need to kick some media ass? Let Randy Johnson show you. You want to kill a bird? Call up RJ.

So it seems like we've got ourselves another Bay Area native to ponder about.

News Flash!

Phillies just signed Raul Ibanez, which means bye bye to Pat Burrell. What? The South Bay, Bellarmine Prep native Pat Burrell? The Giants don't need a 5th outfielder with Lewis, Rowand, Winn, and Schierholtz? But he's only going to cost $100 million for 5 years with POWER and super sucky defense. Oh, come on! We can convert him into a pitcher!!


Perfect fit for San Francisco.

Youtube Sunday: (Rhymes with Fizz) in My Pants

Awkwardddddd.

East Side Union High School District Is On The Brink of Losing Its Sports Programs....Hey, I Went There!!

I went to school in San Jose, meaning my school was part of the East Side Union High School District. To be more exact, I went to Mt. Pleasant High School in the East part of San Jose. The school itself was somewhat in the middle ground of excellence. Certainly not the greatest school in the nation, but not exactly the worst either.

Our sports programs were just okay too. Aside from our track team, the rest of the teams weren’t that great. It wasn’t like Varsity Blues or anything. Our football players weren’t getting cortisone shots, or at least not that I was aware of. And no, there was no ridiculous statue of our coach in front of the field, though I have to admit, that would have been bad ass.

And sadly, there was no James Van Der Beek type guy who was thrust into the spotlight after our quarterback got injured. White people were kind of a rarity at our school, so there was no Paul Walker either. Nor was there a kid fat enough to fill the role of Billy Bob, pun intended.

And none of our teachers were strippers. Thank god they weren’t, or I would have gouged my eyes out years ago.

Anyway, enough about how much my school lacked in awesomeness compared to the one in Varsity Blues. What I’m trying to say is, yeah, our sports weren’t the best, but they were fun to participate in. I think that goes for anyone who plays a sport in high school. Sure, you may never be like Kobe Bryant or even Lamar Odom, but for a few months of the school year, you could at least pretend to be. I had to pretend to be Roger Federer because I played the wussy sport of tennis. And you know what, I wasn’t even that great. It’s more like I had to imitate Robert Kendrick. Who? Exactly.

I’m sure no one who played sports at my high school had pro aspirations, but that rush that a high school kid gets playing in front of a crowd creates some pretty fond memories. Even in college, when conversing with my friends, I could recall countless stories about which sport each of us played and any memorable moments that happened on the court or field. Stuff like that lasts with a person forever, far past their days as a youth.

These kids who play these sports, they eventually become adults who don’t play sports anymore. However, they also become adults who have kids, kids who will be there to listen to their old man talk about his glory days as a star swimmer in high school. And you know what that kid does? He thinks, “maybe I’ll try to be a swimmer to, just like my old man.” And then that kid will have his own child to tell stories too, and the chain will continue.

But if you cut off that first link, it’s all gone. Unfortunately, that’s what is happening right now at my alma mater. If you click the link and read the story, you’ll get the gist of what’s happening, sports in East Side Union High School will be no more. Well that is, unless they get the 2 million dollars they’re asking for. Two words: bake sale.

When first hearing this news, I thought, well I’m not that shocked. You have to understand, I’m a very jaded person, so the motions were running through my head. A lot of “yeah, the economy is bad” and “sacrifices are needed to be made” ran through my head. But then, I thought about it again, and I came up with another conclusion “Wait, no sports in high school? What the fuck?!”

As I thought about it more, it became harder and harder for me to fathom what high school would be like without a sports program. I always thought sports were just a given, a requirement that was needed for a high school to function. It never crossed my mind that the sports program was optional.

But with the sad news that was announced yesterday, it seems that it is. That’s a real travesty. It’s not about the competition. God knows that at my high school it wasn’t about the competition. It was just about giving kids the opportunity to have fun, learn team work, and most importantly, get all their fat asses into shape! I kid, I kid. That’s all you can really do at this point, because it seems this isn’t an idle threat. This is serious. Sports in East San Jose are going to go unless some major dough is ponied up. And as someone who writes sports and sees the value in the positives athletics has to offer, that’s just sad.

I mean seriously, couldn’t they have cut something else *cough* the art department *cough* instead?

Nostalgia Friday: An Asian Childhood With, Ugh, Piano Lessons

In hard times like these, people often wonder if there are more serious issues to talk about other than the douchiness of Philip Rivers and Pogs. My answer to that is of course there are. In a time of a fledgling economy and other issues, these things are non relevant. However, we can’t always just focus on these things. If every single online publication focused on the serious issues of a world in dire need for help, well, the internet would be a depressing place to hang around (but it would still manage to have porn on it). Thus, I offer these rants and impersonations as a diversion to the stress of everyday life. Just enjoy this sideshow while the world around you crumbles, because if you don’t, you might go insane.

Now with that sissyness brushed to the side, let’s get on to Nostalgia Friday.

Growing up in an Asian American family usually means two things for a kid: a) you had to get good grades or you were the family disgrace, b) you probably were forced to play piano and/or violin. In retrospect, I can see why Asian parents forced their kids to do these things. You obviously needed the grades to get into college which would in turn build you up for a nice, stable career. Going to college usually means you’re trying to get a job, unless you decided to rebel and major in philosophy, then you were completely fucked once you got out of undergrad. I’m glad my parents hammered the importance of studiousness in me, because now I have a job and I’m able to support myself in ways that don’t involve man whoring.

I also had to endure piano lessons. At the time, I HATED the piano with a passion. To an 8 year old boy, playing piano was the personification of wussyness. I mean, you had other kids spending their nice sunny afternoon playing basketball and handball while you’re stuck inside spending your time with Mozart and fuckin’ Frederic Chopin. Asian parents usually have the vision that if you start your kid early on the piano, he too will be a musical genius just like Mozart. It is true that Mozart was a piano prodigy by the age of 9, but you know what Mozart didn’t do? Play basketball with other goddamn normal kids. Oh, and he also died by the age of 35. Fantastic.

Not only that, but the pieces I was forced to play were pretty much snoozefests. I am old enough to appreciate the works of Bach now, but back then, hearing and learning Bach was the equivalent to finding enjoyment off watching sap harden. If my parents wanted to bore me, why didn’t they just have me study more instead?! And while all those ‘cool piano instructors’ were teaching their students fun modern pieces like Disney songs, I was stuck learning the works of dead people. If I had known what suicide back then, I would have contemplated doing it. Just kidding.

And did Beethoven write about magical genies coming out of lamps and being your friend? No, he did not, and thus I did not give a crap.


As I look back now though, I really wish I had continued playing the piano. It seems as you grow older, playing music becomes a cooler and cooler thing. Sure, I learned how to pick up the bass during that time, but nothing really brings in the ladies like a smooth piano player. If I only had a time machine to tell my 8 year old self this. Then again, it would be futile, because if I recall correctly, girls had cooties at that age anyway.

The Sharks And Thoughts On The City of San Jose Being Overshadowed In The Bay Area

If you haven’t noticed, the Sharks are doing pretty good. Actually, that’s an understatement, they are doing damn good. They currently sport a record of 23-3-2 and an undefeated record at home. They did lose to the Oilers though last week, but those Canadians can be sneaky rat bastards with their maple syrup and what not.

I can’t remember the last time the Sharks have been this fire hot. Then again, I don’t think anyone can because the Sharks have never been this fire hot.

However, like most of America, the Bay Area just doesn’t really seem to care about the game on ice. You would figure with Bay Area sports feeling a wave of low morale thanks to the stinking of the Niners, Raiders, Warriors, Giants, and A’s, the one last hope for professional sports here would be that plucky team from San Jose. But the answer is a resounding no.

San Francisco could care less right now. You know why? It’s because they have hope right now thanks to the zany antics of Mike Singletary.

Yes, that crazy, Vernon Davis bashing, pants dropping son of a bitch has really given something 49ers to cheer about since his 3-3 run at coach. I have to say I’m pretty impressed considering how bad the Niners looked at the beginning of the season. Single greatest accomplishment for Mike is the benching of JT O’ Sullivan. Shaun Hill as a starter has really changed the Niners offense into a semi competent force, so who could blame San Franciscans if they can’t focus on the Sharks right now? Singletary is just too damn entertaining.

Then you have Oakland. The Warriors really suck, the Raiders really suck, all their sports suck right now. Yet, you think Oakland is desperate enough to grasp the concept of a game played on ice by a bunch of white dudes. I doubt it. It is Oakland after all.

And yes, I realize that this is a crude generalization of Oakland, but I am a current resident of Oakland and while not the entire city is hardened and street tough, a lot of it is. However, I do acknowledge that Oakland is a great place to live with a lot of interesting things to do. Be proud of this, because I also know a billion suburban kids from San Jose who are bored out of their mind every weekend.

San Jose has always been overshadowed by these two cities. I mean seriously, San Jose is not cool. If the big three cities were brothers, San Francisco would be the cool artsy one that gets all the chicks, Oakland would be the tough guy that gets all the street cred, and San Jose would just be the loser yuppie nerd who spends most of his time trying to impress the other two. Basically, we’re the Screech of the Bay Area while San Francisco is clearly Zach Morris and Oakland is AC Slater.

And no matter how hardcore you try to be, East Side San Jose, you are not hardcore. West Oakland is hardcore. The Tenderloin is hardcore. East Oakland is hardcore. Hunter’s Point is hardcore. Actually, all of Oakland is hardcore.

But I digress, today is a big game for San Jose today, as we’re playing our loathsome rival, the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim.

Anaheim can also feel the sting that we do though, as they are also overshadowed in their own So Cal Trifecta. Clearly, they are overshadowed by Los Angeles and San Diego as the major cities down south. And while San Jose represents all that is nerdy and techy, Anaheim represents Disney. Yes, their city has to be known as the place that represents all that is unholy, like this:


Wow. Someone just put them out of their misery now.

Oh yeah, and if you want a real in depth analysis of the game today, head over to The Battle of California. Their whole blog is based upon this heated rivalry, so this match up is sure to give them a wet dream.

The Correlation Between Good Looks and Being a Great Quarterback

Alright, I'm going to make this short and simple. Guys and gals should be able to agree. Good looking quarterback = successful quarterback.

Let's take a look, starting with Bay Area love:

Steve Young:

3 Super Bowls, 2 time NFL MVP. GO NINERS!

Joe Montana:

4 Super Bowls. 3 times as the Super Bowl MVP. Maybe his beautiful eyes make him throw that ball oh so well. GO NINERS!

John Elway:

Am I not supposed to like him because he went to Stanford?
Oh well, I think it's ok since Elway was Stanford's quarterback when Cal had the 'big play.'
He looks like the boy next door. Adorable, check. Superbowl, check. Make that 2 checks.

Brett Favre:

Although Brett Favre is the 1st player in career history to throw 300 interceptions...let's not forget that he is GREAT. He's got a Super Bowl ring, many pro bowl selections, and one strong arm to go along with his good looks. Maybe age hasn't been on his side, but the Jets aren't having too bad a season with him leading the way.

Kurt Warner:

Warner is ranked second all-time in career passing rating with a 94.5. P.S. He's good looking, a Super Bowl MVP, and still kicking butt!

Trent Edwards:

Ok, he played at Stanford, so I'm not supposed to be a big fan. BUT he also plays with Marshawn Lynch.
Drafted in '07, that same year: NFL All-Rookie Team.

Tony Romo:

He's been great with the Cowboys. His dimples help, and his southern bell fan base isn't so bad either.

Tom Brady:

3 Super Bowl rings. Giselle, the model. An almost perfect 2007-08 season. Tom Brady is the face of football. Any quarterback trying to be anywhere near him in talent needs to come pretty close in good looks as well. And no, I'm not drooling over Tom Brady; he's not my type. But I'm human and do admit: he's a stud, on and off the field.

Matt Leinart:

Cutie, who's been outshined by Kurt Warner. Wait your turn Matt, wait your turn.

Brady Quinn:

Drafted in 2007. And ok, people might say he hasn't done much for the Cleveland Browns. But LOOK at him! I have faith in him because seriously, look at the other good looking qb's who have proven themselves. Quinn, don't let your good looks go to waste! There's serious potential for success!

P.S. The Manning brothers have been quite successful and are exceptions to this theory.

BUT case and point:

Nate Longshore, I could never expect you to take us to a Rose Bowl =( You are no Brad Pitt and no Joe Montana.

Wow, Steve Young Just Got Hit In The Face With A Souvenir Cup

Meet Steve Young, Super Bowl winning quarterback, NFL Hall of Famer, the last man to win a championship with the beloved 49ers.

Steve is a man of many talents. He dabbled in the profession of law, and also a volunteer at the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City. Steve also serves as a national advisor to ASCEND, a Humanitarian Alliance. Lastly, he is a devoted father of two and loving husband to Barbara Graham.

Currently, he is an analyst on ESPN. There he uses his in depth football knowledge to dissect the game of football and present it in a manner so that the average fan can understand the intricacies of the game. Oh, and he also catches souvenir cups with his face:



Truly, Steve Young is not only a profile of excellence for his charitable efforts, myriad of accomplishments, or for his role as a devoted family man, but also a profile in courage for showing his face in that damp, dank, cesspool known as Charlotte. For that, we commend you Steve.

Thanks to Deadspin for the link.

Where's the Young'n, Brian Sabean?

Throughout last season and at the end of the year, Giants fans were promised a youth movement. The Rent-A-Player days were supposed to be over. We want to see the kids play.

First the Giants got rid of Peter McGowan, the 66 year old. Who was he replaced with? Another 66 year old named Bill Neukom. What's next?


We got ourselves a Bob Howry, a 35 year old relief pitcher. I guess he can be okay at times, but just look at the picture. Does that even look like a pitcher to you? Or does that remind you of an average Joe construction worker taking the day off to be at his kid's Occupation Day at an elementary school.


I forgive you for that, but then you bring in Edgar Renteria, the 33 year old shortstop who's going to prevent all the Darren Bakers out there from playing for the Giants. He's going to break hearts just like how he's breaking his bat. What's up with that?! Whatever happened to the Emmanuel Burrisses, the Kevin Frandsens, and the Eugenio Velezes out there?

And finally, what is this silly C.C. Sabathia rumors out there? Maybe the problem isn't the Giants. Maybe the problem is you, Brian Sabean. Clearly, you are not a man of your words. We know you had some nice years with the Giants, but those days are long gone.

You know what I learned from Obama during his presidential campaign?

WE NEED CHANGE! YES WE CAN!

Youtube Sunday: 24 w/ Bobby Lee and John Cho

FREEEZA! LAPD!

If This Happens Today, It Would Be Awesome

USC is down by a 6 points with 5 seconds left in the game as the clock is still running. Mark Sanchez has just completed a long pass to get USC 3 yards within the goal line....

All right! You nailed that last pass, Sanchez! We're only 3 yards away from winning this game. Now someone call a time out before the clock runs down!

............

Wait, what? You say we ran out of timeouts. This can't be, I only used 2. Surely there must be a reason for this....



The offense scrambles to get the play off but the clock is still ticking. 5.... 4.... 3.... 2....

Ahhhh nuts.

....1

Nostalgia Friday: Remembering Street Fighter II and Playing the New HD Version of It

The other day, my brother in law purchased the new Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix. For those of you unfamiliar with the product, it’s basically a graphical update to Super Street Fighter II Turbo. The gameplay is still intact with Dragon Punches and Flash Kicks and all original 16 characters are back to, along with the added bonus of Akuma. Overall, it’s a pretty sick game. It brought back several memories I had playing the original Super Street Fighter II Turbo, without having to spend a quarter a pop.

And let me tell you, the new graphics are pretty kick ass. Observe before:

And after:

Neato huh? And yes, I do know the retro snapshot above is from Street Fighter II Hyper Fighting and not Super Street Fighter II Turbo, but that’s all Google images would let me work with okay? Nerd!

Some people have been complaining that the new animation is a bit too anime-ish, and to those people I say you are assholes. Anime or not, it looks way better than the original graphics. As much fun as the original game was, the graphics were definitely sub par. For instance, the backgrounds were so gaudy back then. Take a look at this snap shot from Ken’s stage:

See that character cheering in the middle of the boat. That figure is either a woman or Kenny G, and guess what? I can’t really tell which one it is. Now take a look at the new one:

Ahhh, that’s much better. Kenny G has been replaced with a nice, attractive female, with boobs and everything. Upgrade!

I remember back in the day, Street Fighter II, in any of its forms, was pretty difficult. When I was seven, fighting games only consisted of one strategy, button mashing, for you see my brain capacity was not large enough to perform the complex motions that were required to execute a fireball or spinning bird kick. If I squared up against the computer, I was lucky if I could get two wins.

Now that I’m older, I can perform said complex motions. Thus, when I played my brother in law’s version of Street Fighter, I thought no problemo. This should be a piece of cake. In fact, I was so cocky that I decided to skip the medium difficulty, and jumped straight into hard. Boy that was a mistake.

The first match came up and my opponent was Dee Jay, the Jamaican kickboxer. Two rounds and that shit was over. I won. My head was swelling already. I progressed pass a few more schmos (Fei Long and E. Honda) with relative ease. Oh, and if you’re wondering, I was using Blanka. With his rapid fire cannonball attack that could set up for a in close lightning charge, I was pure gold with him. Or so I thought.

Then came my next opponent, Zangief, in all his commie bastard glory. Now, if I’ve learned anything about video games it is this solid rule: usually the big guys suck. They’re large enough to act as a big enough target, they’re slow, and they usually rely on throws. You play a good game of keep away, and its over.

Also, Zangief was never really popular in my circles because the spinning piledriver was damn hard to execute. A full circle motion? How the hell am I supposed to launch that without jumping? I’m so confused?!

Thus, Zangief was next on my hit list….until I lost. And lost. And lost. And lost!! What the fuck? It’s like the computer was pulling out piledrivers left and right, completely disregarding the rules of the game. After I lost a few more times, I got pretty frustrated, not because I was losing so badly (ok that was part of it) but also because this difficulty came out of no where. There I was thinking that fighting up the ranks was going to be a piece of cake with win after win, and then this bear loving asshole had to crush all that into oblivion.

Then I missed the old days where button mashing would suffice.

So overall, I would have to recommend Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD. The original Street Fighter II was great, so I don’t see how the new updated version would be any different. They repainted the backgrounds with Hottie Mcfines, what else could you ask for?

Oh, just watch out for that difficulty though. God knows what would happen if I made it all the way to M. Bison, because as I recall, that motherfucker was cheap, even in the original. Lord knows what he is like now.

Lendale White Talks Trash To UCLA, Then Eats Donut

This is Lendale White, current running back for the Tennessee Titans, former power back for USC, and lifetime member of the International House of Pancakes. Lendale sort of has a big mouth, literally and figuratively. You see, on the eve of the USC-UCLA Victory Bell game, Lendale had some choice words about the school from Westwood. When asked what would happen if his child were to be a Bruin, Lendale had this response:

“I probably would ground him until he realized that that’s the worst grief you would ever imagine. You know, powder blue. I guess enough said. Their powder blue uniforms and that ugly mustard color.

UCLA [stinks]. It’s the worst school you could ever go to if you were a football player. ... You got to make your choice. If you want to get dominated by your crosstown rival, where they can come on your campus and take your girlfriends and stuff, then you make that decision."

Now, I can’t vouch for the stinking part (that’s really more of a UC Davis kind of thing) nor can I say their uniforms are any less fashionable than USC’s. Their uniforms look like it’s straight out of a McDonald’s commercial. I’m sure Lendale doesn’t mind that though.

And hey, powder blue may be sore on the eyes, but at least they don’t cost you a timeout or two.

And the girlfriend stealing business, um, I’m not too sure of either. I didn’t go to USC or UCLA, but I’m guessing that regardless of the school, girlfriends get stolen all the time. This is college after all. Also, for average Joe Schmo’s like you and me, girlfriend stealing isn’t necessarily something we shine at, but I’m sure for a star athlete, one with a future in the NFL, it must not be that hard to steal someone’s significant other. I know I know, it is Lendale White, but hey, it can’t be that hard for him.

On a separate interview, Lendale made this bold prediction on how much USC is going to win by on Saturday:

“70 to 3.”

I would say this is farfetched, but judging from the Bruins’ season so far, maybe its not. And lastly, concerning his division rival and former college rival Maurice Jones Drew, White had this nugget of joy:

"If Maurice Jones-Drew is listening to this somewhere ... your team sucks."

Oh, take that MJD, you just got served!

Yes, It's True, Ryan Leaf's Life Has Been Turned Into A Movie. Tim Couch Is Now Waiting For His Big Screen Deal.

Ryan Leaf is getting his own movie, probably of the Lifetime Channel variety. Or Spike TV. The worldwide leader in sports released an article informing us that the man who once screamed a reporter silly in a locker room is getting the Hollywood treatment. Why this is newsworthy is anyone's guess, but this is ESPN after all, the same place that hires Chris Mortensen.

Aspiring film maker Tim Carr decided to make an 82 minute biographical film documenting the highs and (mainly) lows of Leaf’s journey from talented NFL prospect to untalented NFL washout. It’s practically like Milk, except with football. And one thousand times gayer.

Carr is a Philadelphia Eagles fan, so how he can relate to the anger and frustration of San Diego fans is beyond me. Oh wait, never mind, he is an Eagles fan. The article also says Carr, the writer and director, appeared in Rocky Balboa. One quick look over at IMDB states that his role is that of “Robert’s friend” the same friend who heckles Rocky Jr. about having connections to the famous slugger. As you can see, Carr got an early start to playing assholes on film.

Which brings us to this point: in “Leaf,” Carr takes the helm of the title part. This is a picture of Carr:

Does this guy look like a football player to you? Hell to the nah. Couldn’t they have found someone more fit for the part? Granted playing Ryan Leaf in a small mockumentary isn’t exactly the role of a life time, but the fact remains, there could’ve been many other choices. Observe the casting wish list that I prepared below:

Sean Salisbury

Granted Salisbury isn’t really a student of the acting arts. He does however have some experience in front of the big screen in the form of role in the Benchwarmers. It is a Rob Schneider movie, but hey, a gig is a gig. And let’s not forget all the screen time he gets on NFL Live. All his segments are comedy gold!

The best part is Salisbury and Leaf have similar career stats.

Russell Crowe

I’ll point out the obvious: a talented actor like Crowe wouldn’t be caught dead sniffing anything close to the pooposity known as Ryan Leaf’s career. However, Crowe would be awesome as Ryan Leaf. He’s already grouchy, cocky, and surly in real life. Just imagine if all that rage and misery were translated to personify all the failures of Leaf’s career. Plus, he wouldn’t even have to do any research on media relations, since Crowe and Leaf pretty much measure up in that department.

Dennis Quaid

The only reason I put Quaid on this list is because he’s only good in roles where he’s some kind of washed up athlete. Tough Enough, check. Any Given Sunday, check. The Rookie, check. The Express, check. His chiseled face and body type make him perfect for this kind of role. Him playing a scientist in The Day After Tomorrow? Give me a break. That’s about as realistic as the premise of the movie itself, or Jake Gyllenhall playing a character who has testes.

Zach Braff or Shia LeBouf


In honesty, Zach Braff or Shia LeBouf would be a horrible choice to play Ryan Leaf. The only reason I chose them is because they’re pretty much the biggest douches in Hollywood, and thus wouldn’t need to really do much acting to play the part of Leaf. And yes, I know there are a million other douches to choose from, but these two fit the bill. If they bail out, Wilmer Valder-whatever is just a phone call away.

I haven’t seen Leaf, and I don’t really plan to. Leaf’s real life story isn’t really that interesting, so what would make his semi fictional one any better? Yeah, yeah, he’s a draft bust, big freakin’ whomp whomp. I get it San Diego, he was a bad choice, so I don’t think I need to waste 82 minutes of my life watching more misery unfold. If any football player needs a movie, it’s Chris Cooley. That guy fuckin’ rules.

We Miss Monta

Look at you, sitting there with your cool bluetooth on? Enjoying the view up there? Because we're definitely NOT!

5-13 is NOT cutting it.

Losing to teams like the Wizards, Knicks, and Heat does NOT work.

Corey Maggette with 0 assists (aka ballhog) isn't going to help a team win. Jamal Crawford is not a true point guard. C.J. Watson is from the NBDL, and he's getting better and better...to be your backup!

Why do you think Don Nelson extended his contract for a couple more years? He believes in you, man. The second winningest coach in the NBA, with no championships, yet he wants to stay with the Warriors. Don't you see something in that?

What do you have to say about that now?

It's A Good Thing USC Beat Us So Badly...

Because I was sooooo bloated after all that delicious turkey! Good lord I had to use the bathroom the whole time. At least Clausen wasn't doing his hair this time. I would have waited forever if that was the case.

Thank god for Pepto Bismol.

And to the man who invented sweat pants.

Oh, and is a free buffet part of my severance package? Because I'm hungry!