It's Okay Brady Quinn, Jeff Garcia Is Here to Comfort You ALL Season

Hey there honey buns!

Just heard the bad news about your finger. Really sorry to hear that Brady. When I read the news on my phone (I get anything Brady Quinn related directly sent to my Blackberry), I quickly let everyone else in the BQ fan club that their main man would be on the sideline. Oh, by the way, the fan club has been doing well. The only complaint I have is there are too many ladies in there. Can we have some kind of gender restriction? As acting president, I think I can impose them.

The good news though is that there are a few handsome male members. They’re a lot like me as in you know…

…they play football.

You silly goose, what else would they be? Oh, you so crazy!

Anyway hot cakes, how’s it hanging? What are you’re plans now that your season is over. Are you going to play a lot of that, what’s the new game out that all the boys like, um, Gears of War 2? Yeah, that’s the game. I heard Earnest and the boys talking about it in the shower room, though it was pretty distracting in there if you catch my drift ;). Earnest said since his season was over, he was going to play that. It looks really fun, maybe if I have time later, we can play together.

Because that’s what straight guys do right? They bond and junk…

Even better, maybe we can go to Gamestop together to get our copy. Would it be too much if we went together hand in hand? I’ve seen a lot of straight guys do that too.

Broken fingers are no joke though. I remember, one time I had a broken pinky, and I was in such pain. I mean every time I went to get a manicure, it stung so badly. It got so bad that I couldn’t even hit the Salon with Carmella for a while. Can you believe that? That’s pure torture right there. I remember asking god why he decided to injure me because I can’t imagine any human being going on for 3 weeks without having their nails done. It’s just ridiculous.

I did have Carmella to talk to during that time though. Our late night chats really comforted me emotionally, and after my pinky healed, I was as strong as ever. Maybe if you have the time we can chat like that too? By candlelight?

Anyways, Coach Gru Poo is telling me that it’s time to practice. Ugh. I hate practice. The only fun part is when I get to take a snap behind that hot, sweaty center. It really makes my day!


Well I gotta run now, Chao Brady!
XOXOXOXO

Bay Area Sports Quickie

Cal Basketball:
Mike Montgomery is a genius. As we speak, Cal is 1st place in the Pac-10. 4-0. Cal is better than UCLA...records-wise....for now. Let us celebrate.


Golden State Warriors:
Golden State debut for Jamal Crawford against the 1-10 Washington Wizards. Looks like an awesome debut for Crawford. Prediction: 22 pts, 5 rebounds, 4 assists.


San Jose Sharks:
Evgeni Nabokov is baaaaaaaaaaaack. Sharks will continue to dominate. Will this season BE the Stanley Cup season? I mean, it has to be right? That's why we signed Grandpa Lemieux back after a 5 year hiatus.


San Francisco Giants:
Giants signing Edgar Renteria? No way. We don't want you anyways. Let's wait and see which old geezer the Giants WILL sign though.


Cal Football:
We got the axe! We got the axe! We got the axe! We got the axe! We got the axe!


Stanfurd Football:
F U.

The Raiders Won? I'm So Confused Now...

Why do we have more points than the Broncos? And how did Jamarcus Russell complete over 90 percent of his passes? And did we hold Denver to only 10 points? And how did Justin Fargas have a one hundred plus yard game? And McFadden got two touchdown scores? That’s crazy talk man!

What’s next, now you’re going to tell me that one of our receivers played well? Wait, what? One of them did? They caught a TD pass? They even got more than ninety yards? Who was it? Ashley Lelie? Haha, yeah right, I thought that guy sucked, nothing more than a failed prospect from Hawaii that’s been bounced from team to team. He doesn’t suck? Well what do you know?!?

But still, Jay Cutler must have done good right? I mean JaMarcus is great and all, but we totally missed out on the chance to get that Cutler guy. He’s awesome. What? He had no touchdowns yesterday? But he’s had one for the last 11 games! He can’t be stopped. We stopped that streak? Wow, that’s unbelievable!!

And gas is cheaper, a black man is in the office…. Ugh, this is too much for my brain to handle!! I’m not used to all this good news?!?! Head throbbing, stomach in pain, lungs aching…. Too much information to process… so happy! Must release good will and joy on all of mank-

(Someone walks by with a Broncos jersey)

Hey, you Denver fuck! We just kicked your ass! Go back to Boulder, hippie!

(Throws beer bottle at fan)

Ahhh, that’s more like it!

A Reflection of the Big Game, After Graduation

Last year, I offered this little anecdote about my first Big Game experience. If you don’t want to take the time to click on the link and read the article, you lazy asshole, I’ll recap. Basically boy wears Stanford sweater in the stands, fans rip boy’s sweater off his back, boy is left half naked, fans light sweater on fire, in the middle of a freakin’ stadium out of wood. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, and yes, it totally did rule.

Unfortunately, that moment was when my Big Game craziness was at its peak. Yeah, sadly, I peaked when I was a freshman. By no means though does this mean that my other Big Game experiences lacked any fun. In fact, my junior year the Big Game was just as awesome, though a little tamer. It was the magical year when a fullback turned quarterback named Steve Levy helped save the moral of a down hearted Cal nation. Our star quarterback (at the time at least) Nate Longshore was sidelined by an injury, and Joe Ayoob was out there playing like Joe Ayoob. Translation, our team was fucked.

But then, Levy helped boost the morale that fateful Big Game by leading Cal to a victory over the bed stealing jackasses known as the Stanford nation. It was magical, it was awesome, it was, okay, okay, it was expected. Considering Trent Johnson was injured for like the ninth time and Marshawn Lynch and DeSean Jackson was on our starting squad, it wasn’t that much of an upset. Regardless though, it was pretty cool that Levy got his moment in the sun before engaging in the exciting career of bar fighter.

My own moment was fun thanks to a hearty tailgating party before the game. Me and my friends headed over to our friends house in Palo Alto and dined on everything from Italian sausage to California rolls. They were yummy and provided us with much needed energy. We headed over like kings.

On the outside this seems rather unextraordinary, but man, trust me when I say this kiddos, something as simple as this will be sorely missed once you enter the real world. You’re greatest worry will be getting to the game on time and finals coming up. You know what my greatest worry is? Being stuck in middle management for 15 years while work is sucking at my soul. How often do you wonder what you’re doing with your life? Because I’m sure as hell it isn’t every freakin’ day. Shit.

And the real irony is that while all of this sounds rancid, the second biggest worry I have is losing this monotony by getting laid off. And the third biggest worry, memos and pointless paper work. No, it’s not just an Office Space joke, it’s a real thing, and it fucking sucks. Where do you think they got the inspiration from? Not from the Groundlings Theatre, I can assure you that. In short, the real world blows.

So enjoy the Big Game, because I sure as hell will. God I miss college. Excuse me now as I go to the nearest corner to cry.

Al Harrington for Jamal Crawford, Warriors Win

So long, #3. You can 3 your ass all you want in New York. It was nice knowing ya. I guess it went alright while it lasted. But hey, nobody's complaining. You'll get to play in New York with the big boys in Madison Square Garden. You don't have to fake your back injury anymore. You want a trade, you got it!

I'm more excited about who we got for you anyways. A proven scorer in Jamal Crawford.


Just look at tiny Nate Robinson's face in disbelief. There's no way in hell you can do that Al.

Here's a stupid joke for ya: Your name is Al, but his name is JAM-Al. You're done buddy.


Jamal Crawford's a team player. He rides in style, and dressed perfectly for smoking Oakland.

Just think about it. He fits perfectly. Don Nelson's run-n-gun. Imagine Crawford and Monta Ellis in the backcourt, scoring and throwing assists and running plays with Andris Biedrins. Cap Jack got all the "D" you need. Occasionally, you got the Kelenna Azubuike, the Ronny Turiaf, the C.J. Watson, and the Anthony Morrow to back this great team up.

The Warriors are set, thanks to the newly acquired Jamal Crawford.

Oh, it doesn't hurt to have a former stripper wife too.

I'm N Luv with a stripper.....

Jeremy Affeldt, the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The Good:

- 29 years old, still sort of young
- 7 year Major League veteran
- More strikeouts than innings pitched (3:1 K:BB ratio)
- Decent ERA last year (3.33)
- Can pitch more than 1 inning
- Could be the guy Jack Taschner wasn't

The Bad:

- $8 million for 2 years, like he just won VH1's "I Love Money"
- 9 homeruns allowed last year, about 1 every 9 innings pitched
- Will he just become an Alex Hinshaw the Giants already have?
- Give me $1 million and I'll pitch all you want

The Ugly:

Filler Post: Oden and Morrow

While the other bloggers are finding themselves or whatever, here's a quick one for all of you TPICers:


Oden's party is spoiled, and Anthony Morrow seems more like the man of to-MORROW. Get it? Yuk Yuk Yuk Yuk.

Now excuse me as I shoot myself for that retarded joke.

Rest In Peace Pete Newell

That was how I remembered him. At a Cal basketball game last year. When his name was announced, everyone stood up and cheered. It was wonderful.

What can I say about the man. Legendary Cal basketball coach, leading the Golden Bears to a NCAA Championship title in 1959. Four straight conference titles and a Coach of the Year award. One of only three coaches who've won a NIT title, a NCAA title, and an Olympic Gold medal--the "Triple Crown" of coaching. College or pro, this man made an impact in the world of basketball. From Oscar Robertson to Mr. NBA Logo himself Jerry West, from elite coaches like Bob Knight and Don Nelson to the boys of the "Big Men" Camps like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Bill Walton, and Shaq, Pete Newell was loved and respected by everyone.

The Pete Newell Court at Haas Pavilion will never be the same. You will always be remembered, Mr. Pete Newell.

Youtube Sunday: Watchmen Trailer #2

This movie is going to be the shit. Oh yeah, and for all of you nay-sayers, Quantum of Solace wasn't that bad. In fact, I enjoyed it.



Olga Kurlyenko is smokin'.

Nostalgia Friday: Bloodsport, A Retrospective

I remember watching Bloodsport when I was a kid. At the time when I watched it (in 1991, two years after it came out) Street Fighter II was ruling the arcades. Thus, since most of the movie consisted of a bunch of crazy fighting styles facing off, I thought the movie was some kind of loose adaptation of it. I mean think about it, you have that sumo guy who could’ve been E. Honda, you got the guy who played Ogre as the big strong wrestling type (Zangeif), you had a lot.

Bloodsport was easily Jean Claude Van Damme’s best movie mainly because of all the insane fight scenes. They’re pretty fuckin’ sweet. And of all cheap 80’s montage music, I would have to rank “Fight to Survive” somewhere at the top. In fact, the fight scenes were the only reason the movie was so kick ass. Unfortunately, like other karate movies, Bloodsport attempted to have a plot. This was a real drag, because I felt the talking and Jean Claude Van Damme acting were only intermissions between fight scenes so that the audience wouldn’t overdose on martial arts bad assery. If it was up to me though, there wouldn’t be any plot, just a bunch of matches left and right with nothing to connect the scenes together.

I mean seriously, what kind of plot do you need? It’s a karate movie. From my basic understanding of all karate movies, the plot usually goes like this: hero trains night and day to master martial arts, hero enters tournament, hero makes his way to the finals where the inevitable showdown with the stereotypical karate villain, something dramatic happens to the hero, hero finds himself, hero returns to kick the villains ass in said tournament, hero gets the girl. That’s pretty much the formula for a lot of movies: Karate Kid, Bloodsport, Kickboxer, etc etc.

The only thing that makes a karate movie are the fight scenes. Naturally, Jean Claude Van Damme’s acting alone can bring any movie down the tank, but setting that aside, it’s still a pretty mediocre movie. Let’s just follow the movie’s plot to understand.

The beginning is pretty run of the mill. Frank Dux has trained in the art of kar-at-ay since a young age by one Senzo Tanaka. In order to honor his master, Frank decides that he must leave to Hong Kong to participate in the kumite, an underground fight tournament of death. But before he leaves, he has to make sure he does one thing: piss of the US Army and go AWOL! This brings me to my first point of why Bloodsport ain’t so grand: its morals. I was an impressionable youth back in the day, and if I learned anything from Bloodsport, I would have been one messed up adult. And don’t go around telling me this isn’t a movie for kids. It had martial arts, it had cheesy 80’s music, it had video games. How could a kid NOT resist it?

Anyway, back to the plot. Frank giving the army the old slip brings me to Bloodsport's first lesson it teaches to kid: when you make a commitment to something, (such as the army) but something cooler comes along the way (like a death tournament in Hong Kong) screw what you agreed to do and run like hell to the death tournament. Promises, who needs them anyway? Frank’s AWOL status prompts two investigators to follow him in Hong Kong. All you need to know is one of them was played by Forest Whitaker, and yes, he still had that eye problem back then.

Once Frank arrives in Hong Kong, he quickly befriends one Ray Jackson, played by Donald Gibb. I feel bad for Donald Gibb. After he played Ogre in Revenge of the Nerds, the only roles he could get were that of the wild brute. That and he also received second billing to JCVD. Damn.

Frank also befriends the local whore Janice Kent. You probably recall the famous coin trick he used to bag her:


This brings me to Bloodsport’s #2 lesson for kids: Magic not only helps you impress people, but also helps you win women as prizes in bets. Thus, if you want to nail the local floozy, kids, you best be learning your magic tricks.

After Frank gets the girl on a date, she reveals she’s not only a whore, but also a reporter trying to get the dirt on the kumite. Naturally, Frank is hesitant to divulge any info on the tournament, but that doesn’t stop him from charming the young lass.

Then some fights happen:



Cool huh? Along the way, you’re introduced to Chong Li, the villain of the movie.

I guess the Kumite doesn’t have steroid testing. As Frank advances is way up the tournament, so does Chong Li. And while Frank honorably defeats his opponents, Chong Li is total huge dick about it. Not only does he beat down his opponents mercilessly, but he also “finishes” them off. Usually this entails a quick chop to the neck, which pretty much knocks every opponent out stone cold. This reveals the lesson #3 for kids: if you’re ever in a fight against a bully, don’t go for the face, instead, go for a quick karate chop to the neck. After that, it’s lights out bitches.

After the first round if complete, Frank meets up with his lady friend again. This time, she’s desperate to get the scoop, but Frank has his mouth shut. Thus she does what any classy report does when they need to get the dirt, she offers poon. That brings me to lesson #4: if you don’t get what you want, try harder, and if that still fails, then it’s time to put out. The only problem is that after a night with Frank, she still didn’t get the scoop; she had to sneak in by ho-ing it up and “pretending” to be an escort for a Chinese business man. I put pretend in quotes because I’m not sure how pretend it was.
Then after this, more fights happen. Chong Li breaks some guy’s leg (it’s pretty gross) because he’s a total ass and JCVD beats up some guys along the way. There’s one fight in particular where Frank Dux ends up fighting that sumo guy:



As you can see in the video, Frank is getting his European ass kicked to oblivion, but then he utilizes a craft move, punching someone in the balls. Way to go you cheater. I thought Frank Dux was all about honor and what not, and I also thought fighters in the kumite would have enough sense to wear cups. I guess I thought wrong. Frank wins the fight and advances the next round, even though that win was total bullshit.

As we get closer to the finals, the fights get more and more brutal. Ray Jackson meets his end thanks to our steroid pumped friend. Chong Li also kills someone:



After his kill, Chong Li wastes no time threatening our hero. While everyone bows in a moment of silence, Chong Li breaks the mourning utters on of his few lines in the whole movie “You are next!” I said it once before and I’ll say it again, Chong Li is a total dick. He also had to torture us with the disgraceful pose after the fatality. Just because you have muscles, doesn’t make you Derrick Zoolander asshole.

Frank also lays the smackdown on his opponents on his way to the finals though, but let’s not forget about our friend from the FBI. They’re hot on Frank’s tail, trying to drag him back to the army, even if he’s kicking and screaming. Once the feds figure out Frank’s location, they corner him at his hotel which opens up the most ridiculous chase scene in the history of movies:



What. The. Fuck. Is. This. Shit. This has to be the most un-badass chase scene in all of movie history. First, what was up with the homo erotically charged exchange between Forest Whitaker and Donald Gibb. Just stay put… just stay put….lover. Second, worst music ever. I know the 80’s gave birth to a lot of horrible electronica pop movie hits, but couldn’t they figure a more appropriate place to insert it in? Did they have to use it in something as intense as a chase scene? Ugh. They should’ve just shot it in black and white and removed the sound track, because the scene plays out like a Charlie Chaplin movie.

Then we cut the finals. It’s Dux vs. Li. Frank is also red hot after Chong’s beat down of the mighty Ray Jackson. And naturally, the feds who were chasing Frank are now sitting in the crowd cheering for him. That brings us to lesson #5: in the end, if it comes down to cheering for the good guy, screw your job and screw your civil duty.



At first the fight turns out to be pretty even. Dux and Li exchange blows left and right, but the Dux begins to kick Li’s ass. Kick after kick, Li is hurting, so he resorts to a desperation move, throwing dirt at his opponent’s eyes. For the last time, Chong Li = Dick. Silly Chong Li, don’t you know that Frank Dux studied in the art of ninjitsu? Thus he is impervious to things such as blindness. Thus, a few minutes later, and a few kicks later, Li is defeated. Dux gets the win, gets the whore/reporter, and gets the respect from the US army. Oh, and Ray Jackson has been avenged. Fuck yeah.

So that’s it, that’s Bloodsport in a nutshell. The fight scenes make this movie, while it attempting to be a movie breaks it. Still, for an 80’s karate movie, it sure kicked the shit out of everything else.

Oh yeah, and that guy who fought like a monkey fuckin’ rules.

Tim Lincecum, Winner Among Losers

Timmmmmmyyyyyyyyy!!! The Little Engine That Could.

Move over, Steve Francis, this is the real FRANCHISE.

Who would've thought, being one of the worst teams in baseball, the San Francisco Giants had a little diamond gem in them. And all those writers talking about Brandon Webb, C.C. Sabathia, Brad Lidge, yada yada yada. It wasn't even close. Even Cy Young himself would've came back from the dead and hand the award to Tim Lincecum himself.

Look in the dictionary for dominance, and you will find the face of Tim Lincecum.

As Tim Lincecum found out that he was in fact the Cy Young Award winner and that he would be the cover boy of MLB 2K9, he sat in his locker room to try to prepare a little short thank you speech to share with the world:


First and foremost, I'd like to thank my family for supporting me the whole way. I also like to thank the entire Giants organization for believing in me and giving me the opportunity to pitch in the major leagues. I'd like to thank all my past coaches for guiding me to the right path in life. Most of all, I want to thank all the fans out there for supporting the Giants and myself.

But for reals, what is wrong with my team? Why do we suck so much? And why am I making only pennies compared to Barry Zero? I practically won a quarter of the games for the entire team this whole season! And they were thinking about trading me for Alex Rios?! Are you kidding me? Alex freaking Rios?! This Cy Young Award oughta shut the whole front office up.

Dude, if they're not going to do anything to improve the team, what am I doing here? My buddy Matt Cain needs some run support man! I swear, if this season continues the way it's been going for the past 2 years, I'm just going to say screw it to 4/5 of the season and just come to the ballpark whenever I need to every 5th day. Pitch a day, party a week, pitch another day, party another week. I'd be living the life.

Man, come to think about it, my speech really sucks. I have nothing clever to talk about. I can't really thank the fans for 30 minutes. Nobody is going to read this shitty speech either. Can't I just hold up the damn award and the press can snap some photos and publish it? I wish I was home right now playing with my 360. I have to continue my streak of striking out 263 straight batters after creating 5 clones of myself, and while making myself play every position, batting a nice .750, with 217 homers and 821 RBIs at the All-Star break. I'm telling you, I'm unbeatable in my own game. YOU CAN'T STOP ME!

OK, enough of this crap. Congratulations, Timmy. You're the best pitcher in the world. I'm glad you're with the Giants. Keep pitching the way you are and you will win the MVP award, and a World Series title. Guaranteed.

A Day In The Life of Kevin Riley

Waking Up

Oh man, that was the best rest I’ve gotten in years. How long did I sleep? (Looks at clock) Wow, 10 hours?! That’s crazy. Well I guess it was kind of along trip back from USC, but whatever man. We may have lost, but I still have my pride. I mean, I played my heart out, and even though I only completed like 26 percent of my passes, I think I did alright. Some people may have said I overthrew my receivers, but whatever. Most people fail to realize that sometimes wide receivers just can’t run the routes correctly, not my problem. Anyway….

(RING RING RING)

Oh damn, I forgot to turn that alarm clock off! Now where is that off button.

(RING RING RING)

Damn, this thing is annoying. Maybe if I just throw it really lightly against the wall, it’ll stop ringing. A nice soft toss ought to do it.

(Throws the clock with full force into the wall. Clock shatters into pieces.)

Threw that clock perfectly.

Breakfast

Hmmm, don’t really have much time for breakfast, maybe some cereal will do. I think I have a box of Frosted Flakes somewhere, oh there it is! (Pours cereal into bowl) All I need now is just a little milk. (Pours milk) Oh hey, what do ya know? Milk’s all gone. Guess I’ll just throw this bottle into the recycling bin.

(A recycling bin is 5 ft away from Riley. Riley tosses milk towards the bin with all his accuracy. The bottle is thrown past the bin and lands approximetly 50 ft later.)

Damn, I was so close that time!

Class

I can’t believe it’s midterm season already, again! I just took one like 3 weeks ago. What the hell is the professor thinking? 3 midterms in one semester, that’s a bit excessive. It’s a good thing I studied on the trip back to Berkeley…

(Student behind him taps him on the shoulder)

Student: Hey buddy, can you hand me an extra pencil? I ran out.

No problem, dude. Let me get one now.

(Riley reaches in his backpack to get a pencil. He turns around to hand the student the pencil, but then at the last second decides to throw it above his head. The pencil proceeds to hit an exit sign and then lands in the lap of a fat student who exerted all his breath in order to get to the exam on time)

Student: Hey man, what the fuck? I thought you were going to hand me off that pencil? Why the hell did you throw it over my head and across the room?

Man, don’t you know who I am? I’m Kevin Riley. You know what Kevin Riley does? He throws long bombs across the field with his gun arm regardless of where I’m throwing to. You know what Kevin Riley doesn’t do? Hand offs, because that’s for pussy quarterbacks whose last name rhymes with Wrongpore. I rest my case.

Student: Uh, but dude, I don’t have a pencil.

Dude, just chill out, a ref will get you one shortly.

Practice

Alright Cameron, run your route, I’m going to bomb this one to you.

(Cameron Morrah runs his route and turns around expecting the ball to be right at his hands. Instead the ball is no where to be seen. Cameron then hears a thuds 15 yards ahead of him. The ball has just hit the ground.)

What the fuck, Cameron, you were supposed to catch that pass. I threw a long one just for you. No wonder it went 15 yards ahead of you.

Cameron Morrah: Yo man, I was running a curl route. YOU were supposed to put the ball 15 yards less of where you threw it.

But that means I wouldn’t be able to show off my arm strength. What’s the point of throwing if I can’t do that?

(Morrah looks at him blankly then just walks away.)

Man sometimes I just don’t get life.

Stop the Presses, The A's Take a Holliday

Dear Matt,

Welcome to Oakland, California. I know you haven't played for any other team since being drafted by the Rockies, but don't worry. There's nothing to do in Colorado anyways. You'll love it in the American League. Since you're the boss of the team now, you can take a day off if you want and DH.

You were born in Stillwater, Oklahoma, and moved on to Colorado after that, so you probably haven't seen too much. You rejected an offer to be a QB at Oklahoma State, but that's cool, baseball's cool. Forget the Cowboys, it's not like they're any good anyways.

Oh wait, they're ranked #13 in the nation.

It's all good, Matt. We from California just wanted to give you a big welcome. It's time for you to shine in the big city by the Bay. Oakland is just a bridge away from it, the San Francisco treat! But when you arrive in Oakland, you have to change your persona a bit. Your nickname is "Big Daddy," so that's a good start. "Tough" and "hardcore" are keywords to survival here. I'm sure you'll learn quick.

Just remember, NO MORE of this shit:


and much, much MORE of these:


You're welcome for the advice. Enjoy your stay in Oakland, whether it's only the 1 year remaining on your contract or a multi-year deal with us. Really, the A's aren't that bad. Don't let this past season fool ya. We always find a way to contend in the AL West. We somehow always manage to find some young guns in our minor league system to surprise the whole world. It's definitely going to happen again this coming year, because face it, we got nothing up there, except YOU of course.

Alright, hope you're the big bat we needed. Thank goodness we DIDN'T resign that Jason Steroids Super Mario Brother Moustache Thong Wearing Giambi.

Bay Area is Now the Nay Area

Let’s face it Bay Area: Cal lost, Stanford lost, the Raiders lost (not like that’s a big shocker), the Warriors lost (to Sacramento, but since we’re a non biased California sports blog, uh go Kings!).

And KCCal lost to freakin’ Norv Turner. That’s probably the biggest sting of them all.

However, there has been one shiny beacon in the Bay that has kept our sporting hopes alive. Why, I’m talking about that team the never gets covered on this blog and plays a sport that never gets covered on this blog, the Sharks!

13-3, that’s pretty awesome. A team in the NFL could win the conference with that record. Even though the Coyotes ended the Sharks' seven game run yesterday, the Sharks are still off to one of the greatest starts in NHL history. And if you use my football analogy, they didn’t need that win anyway.


Brian Boucher (not related to Bobby), has also done a good job filling in for an injured Nabokov. Of course all of this will mean nothing when they inevitably choke in the playoffs. It’s good to be in the bay!

Oh, btw, reader Mike S sent in this link for your entertainment: http://knicks.varitalk.com. In his words: “You can set it up so Walt "Clyde" Frazier sends a cell phone message to anyone you want). Fun to use to mess with people.” Cool!

YouTube Sundays: USC Sucks

Sorry guys, if you're looking for our weekly YouTube video, not this week. Check it out next week, or maybe there will be a delayed YouTuber tomorrow. But today, NOPE. I have to rant.

Get ready for a super-biased, excuse-filled post. No pictures needed.

As a die-hard Cal fan, I was super excited to watch the Bears give USC the beating they deserved. The entire day, I was watching the clock and anticipating the 5 o'clock match up, knowing damn well that the winner of this game will go to the Rose Bowl. I even bought a raincoat in case the 90,000 USC fans start crying and their tears reach all the way up north to my crib. If it had happened, I'd just put on my hood and laugh.

The game came and went. I could not believe it.

I HATE USC. I HATE THE STUPID REFS.

(I'm not a curser, but HATE is a strong enough word for me.)

What was the deal with the moron refs NOT calling the dude when he was out of bounds. He clearly stepped out of bounds. Even the commentators showed the reply you could see the damn guy's foot was all over the white chalk if you looked close enough at the crotch area of the Cal defender.

OK, that was 1 play, I can let it slide. Touchdown, USC. Review? No way, how biased were the refs? Replay CLEARLY showed the ball was bobbled and hit the ground, which led to a "catch" for a touchdown.

Hoping for a ref call going Cal's way? You wish. All they did was call back a touchdown because the refs didn't like how a Cal receiver was lined up at the line of scrimmage, maybe a couple inches too far up. What the hell?!

I'm a superstitious person, if all these plays were called correctly, or FAIRLY, the game could have been 10-6 Cal at the moment, with USC getting a field goal instead of their UN-deserved touchdown. Momentum really works in sports...somehow.

Cal's defense was neck-to-neck with USC, if not better. USC had luck, and the refs. Cal had to earn their yards, with a couple passing mistakes here and there that could've scored a couple touchdowns and I wouldn't be writing all this.

Anyways, it's not fair, but it happened. Life's not fair. So screw you USC! Deal with it. There's no chance you're going to play for the National Title. I hope you lose every other game, which would be impossible, but I'm just going to laugh my ass off watching you whine and whine about how you deserve to be #1 or #2. I hope you slip a couple spots in the BCS again, because you only beat Cal by 14 points, and we're a "soft" opponent, just like Pac-10. Thank goodness the conference sucks so you only have the Rose Bowl. A part of me would want the Bears to lose to Oregon State next week so they'll get the Rose Bowl bid, but as a Cal fan, I can't do that. No matter what, GO BEARS!

I just need a vacation right now. I want to go to Phuket, Thailand, because that's how I'm feeling right now. Phuket. I guess the only good thing in sports is, there's always next year...right?

Nostalgia Saturday. Prank wars.

This week is the city's cheerleading finals. And once again Bayside and Valley are the favorites. But the real competition is the prank war between the two schools. This dates back to when the principals (Stinky, of Valley. Mad Dog, (Belding) of Bayside) started it 20 years ago.

I honestly don't know how they managed to make an entire episode out of this. In reality, if I were Bayside and Valley had tp'ed my nerds (with whoa, 2-ply toilet paper), I wouldn't continue the prank war by supergluing the track field or pumping helium into Valley's music room. What would I do instead? I'd punch Valley in the face. Then use Slater's wrestling 'skills' to bodyslam them to the mat, hit them with their school banner, and say "Homie don't play that." (Thanks Damon Wayans, I love you!)


But that doesn't happen. Upon seeing his school vandalized, Belding steps in and says, "I'm not putting up with this nonsense once again...it's time we put an end to this!"

Belding, you suck! You started this, now you want to end it? You're a wuss. In reality, Belding should have suspended Zack, Slater, and Screech. He should have then made Valley's principal, 'Stinky' do the same to the guys there. But Belding's not authoritative like that. He should have done a lot of disciplining during his tenure at Bayside High. Again, he's a wuss. His words mean almost nothing.

Valley's principal says to his young pranksters, "You guys are a disgrace to Valley, pranking is a fine art. What you guys did was amateur." HAHA. I agree with him, If you're going to do something, do it right. And I give Stinky the 'Best Principal' award. At least one principal can put his students in their place.

That should have been the end of the story. But nope. No one listens to Mr. Belding. He might as well be invisible.


The guys get this great idea to steal Valley's mascot, their bulldog. Valley, in turn, kidnaps Screech who spills the beans to them and says he's the 'star of Bayside's cheer', and that "Without me, they don't stand a chance." Screech, you're a dumbass. In reality, they should have ditched you as a friend long ago. If they had aim, they'd have blocked you from messaging them. They'd have told their mom to tell you they weren't home when you visited. They definitely would have never brought you to some club with a fake id.

What bothers me about these kids is that they went to Mr. Belding to solve this problem and get Screech back. Isn't this means to expulsion? Geez Richard, grow some balls and punish these kids. Hey Zack and Slater, if you talk the talk, you better walk the walk! You guys are like kids who cry to their mom after they've lost a football game. Man up and fix things yourself!

Posers.

Anyhow, both mascots are returned, but Valley tries to sabotage Bayside's cheer by having their own dress up as the tiger. I think that was rather clever. Bayside gets the last laugh as they pour ants down the tiger's back. Wow. Funny.
Valley's bulldog should have bitten them. I'd have laughed harder.

The reality is this: "So you think you're hot, so you think you're cool. We're gonna tell you that Valley rules!"

Nostalgia Friday and Saturday: Saved By The Bell Versus Reality, A Two Part Analysis

The reason why I write this post is because joesportsfancom inspired me to do so. Go figure someone else in this world loves Saved by the Bell the way that I do. Yessir, I tivo it everyday. And everyday, I come home and sit down to watch an episode of thinking, "What happened to quality, classic shows like this?"

With the cast, you had a nice array of friends, opposites who somehow managed to be the best of friends.

-Zack Morris was the trouble-maker entrepreneur, the 'thinker' of the group who never studied but managed to get the top SAT scores out of all his friends. When his friends were in a bind, he was the one plotting a way out. Go Zack go! He was charming, always getting the ladies, and always going to detention.

-A.C. (Albert Clifford) Slater was the jock, who wasn't that much of a jock in my eyes. Sorry folks, he was never that dreamy despite those nice dimples and muscles. His pants always threw me way off, and the hair...YIKES! I did like how he always called Jessie 'mama' though....Oedipus complex?

-Samuel 'Screech'Powers, oh poor Screech. In reality he was 3 years younger than everyone else. So he fit his role well: outsider, nerd, just didn't fit in. He was always chasing after Lisa, and it was funny as hell when he dressed up as MJ (Michael Jackson not Jordan) thinking she would find the same sexiness in him. Screech sexy? Better yet, Michael Jackson, sexy? This show was way before our time. But I applaud Screech, taping ears to worms...that was awesome. And I must admit, I was excited when I heard he was going to write a tell-all book, "Behind the Bell."

And the ladies...

-Kelly Kapowski, oh how beautiful you were. A family girl with a million siblings, a waitress who fell for your cute college manager at the Max, then fell for the professor when you went off to college.

-Jessie Spano-I don't even want to get started on her. She's the type of girl you see at Berkeley but way taller. (Funny how her last name is Berkley too...haha!) Competitive, well-informed about current events, cute, but annoying as all hell. That's why I say she went to Berkeley. If it were 1989, I'd say to her, "Get over yourself and calm your ass down." BUT hey, don't think I hate her. I don't. I'm glad she was a feminist, someone's got to stand up for the ladies!

-Lisa Turtle was the coolest. Yeah, she was the spoiled shopaholic BUT one tough gal, who I know would have been able to take on Jessie. I figure the girls owe her a lot; summer at Malibu Sands wouldn't have been the same w/o being housed at her beach house. She had matchmaking skills, advice to give, and gossip to spread. And Zack, her family totally sponsored you in the ATV race so you could unsuccessfully prove yourself to Stacy Carosi and her bf from the East Coast.

And the adults.

- Richard Belding was the authority figured adult of the group. And when I say authority figure, I mean he let the kids do whatever they want. Manufacture pasta sauce in the home ec lab? Sure, go ahead! Let Zack rig the school theme song competition. No problemo! Did this guy ever really do his job?? He did seem rather cool though, wouldn't mind having him as my principal.

- Max was the owner of the Max, the local hangout place of the gang. He had weird hair and pedophile vibe about him. Never trust an owner of a diner who does magic, kids.

Wow, amazing how I know all this stuff about characters from a hit 80s/90s show.

Anyhow...this was going to lead me to a story...but I guess that'll have to wait. The topic next time: how corny was the rivalry between Bayside and Valley High??

Keep in mind:
First. Pacific Palisades...oohhh...intimidating!

Chess: Screech against Peter, Valley's new Russian exchange student. Calling him the Commie and that's why we're 'Russian' you. Losing confidence after losing a beret. Woopdy dooo Screech. "No matter how big or small we are....we're all the same size on the chess board." With so many tricks up their sleeves, Zack dressed up as the Russian. Slater says "call it a hunch but i think Screech is gonna kick that commie's butt!" Ha! Great episode..but wow...over a chess game?

Prank wars: Mascots stolen. Zack and Slater cry to Mr. Belding after Valley vandalizes their school.

Wrestling: Ninick, the guy whose muscles are flabby as all hell is up to wrestle Slater. Slater temporarily gives up wrestling for cooking so Zack can't win a dirtbike. Dang.




Part 2 coming tomorrow....

The BCS Stinks, And If You Disagree, You Are Stupid

Hi my name is Pete Carroll and I’m here to tell you that this BCS business is total malarkey. Yesterday I was walking down the aisle of my local Trader Joe’s, picking up a nice organic energy bar when I thought to myself, “Hey Pete, you’re a great coach, and you certainly deserve to be in the title hunt, what gives?” Well, I’ll tell you what gives, three simple letters: B-C-S. I’m a great speller too.

As I said to the press, it stinks. I just don’t understand how we could shut out Washington 56-0 and drop in the rankings. It’s totally ludicrous. I mean sure, Washington has consistently been ranked as one of the lowest teams this season, but didn’t you see how we killed them? When a juggernaut totally dominates on a cupcake like that, they should jump up three or four spots. It totally makes sense. You say Texas Tech beat Texas this week, thus causing the drop in our rank? Well I say Texas Tech didn’t beat Texas by 56 points. In fact, THEY should be the ones that drop in the ranks.

Oh, I can hear you already opposing my logic, but what you don’t see is that you’re not me, thus what you think is illogical and what I think is fact. You probably didn’t go to USC, that’s why you question my thought process in the first place. Its okay, I understand. Not everyone can afford the stellar education that USC offers. See, I totally empathize with all you people and your empty pockets. USC is totally in touch with the little guy.

Anyways, where was I? Oh yes, that’s right, this whole dirty BCS system, such a horrible system. Even President Obama agrees with me. He blatantly said that the BCS system was a total cop out and that a playoff is the only way to go. What a guy, now I know what all those poor people meant when they said change was coming! I’m sure glad I voted for him. It’s what all my other liberal elitist friends did, so who was I to go against the trend? See, this isn’t only about me or Joe Pa or college football, this is about America. Our President endorses the playoff system, and if you disagree with what President Obama thinks, you sir are un-American. You’re probably a racist too. Don’t be a racist, don’t support the BCS.

I just don’t like how this thing is all decided by computers. Everything is controlled by computers these days. Our banks, our social security, our electricity, it’s all hooked to one of those fancy machines. Call me old fashioned, but I like it when the people are in charge of the National Championship picture. Besides, you know who invented computers? Nerds did. And you know who nerds hate? Jocks. And you know which school has the best, most gifted jocks around. Why, maybe a school that has a U and an S and a C in its initials. You see, it’s just one big conspiracy to screw over the greatest college team in the land. Curses you nerds, you have gotten your revenge, curses!

Now a lot of you may question my motives. A lot of you might say, “Hey Pete, what gives? A few years ago when the BCS sent you to the championship game, we didn’t hear a peep out of you. Yet now all of a sudden, you turn around and cry that the BCS is unfair simply because you’re team is out of the title picture? Doesn’t it seem like there’s an ulterior motive behind your protest?”

First of all I’d like to say that I admire your opinion. It takes a lot to question a man with the genius mind that I have. Second of all, I would like to say that while I admire that opinion, it is terribly, terribly wrong. Ha, question my motives. You are a dipshit.

The reason your logic is completely retarded is quite simple, let me explain. You see, those years that we won the championship, those years when the BCS computers sent us there, they were completely right. They named USC as the best team in the nation because quite frankly, we were. No one could deny that we were awesome, and the computers were dead on. However the problem with the BCS system now is we are still awesome, we are still the greatest, yet the BCS polls aren’t telling that story. It’s pretty obvious we deserve to be number 1. Sure we lost to Oregon State, sure our schedule isn’t tough, but anyone who watches football knows USC is way better than Texas, Texas Tech, Alabama, and all those other teams ranked ahead of us. Those computers know stuff about numbers, but they don’t know jack shit about football glory.

What about the coaches and AP polls? If we’re number 1, why don’t they rank us up there? Well it’s just because they’re jealous of USC. Naturally, everyone wants to be us, but they can’t, thus they just get bitter and vote us number 5 or whatever. If they put their REAL opinion on their poll ballot, USC would be numero uno, and every other team would be tied at 117th. Come to think of it, the AP and Coaches polls stink too. We should ban them as well!

I think I have made my case clear on why the BCS sucks, mainly because it screws us out of getting a championship. You think I’m just a pompous jerk who cries just because his team fucked up earlier in the season? Well, unfortunately my friend you don’t go to USC, and by law, you don’t know jack shit. Now someone get me a tackling dummy, I have another fake suicide prank to commit.

A Reflection On the Election (A KCCal Serious Post)

To those who know me and those who have read my writing, one word can usually describe me as a person: jaded. It’s not something I’m going to try and deny. I am a jaded person. I walk down the street and see someone with peace sign shirt and I quickly roll my eyes. On the same token, I walk down the street and see someone drive by in their Hummer and I feel like I want to ram my face into a brick wall. Is a big wheel, gas guzzling machine used for military purposes really necessary to cruise around in on the “mean streets” of Silicon Valley. I digress.

I even seem jaded about something I’m really passionate about: sports. I know it seems like a complete contradiction to state so, but it’s true. I remember at the beginning of the year I sat and had dinner with all my fellow hardcore Cal fans and they were discussing Aaron Rodgers’s chances in the pros. They were all ecstatic and ready to root for their fellow Cal alumni. I on the other hand was a little bit skeptical, and if you read this blog, you know that I have my share of Aaron bashing. I would quickly get shot down by my friends as being someone who “wasn’t a true fan” and too “cynical” to appreciate my team.

Simply put, they just thought I was an apathetic person who just didn’t care to commit.

The truth is though; I care about my team greatly. I really do love the Cal Bears and will root for them during the good and the bad even though I may not be the most vocal about it. And yes, I will question and criticize my team for things that I disagree with. If it’s been a goal line situation for 3 downs and Tedford goes for the run AGAIN, I will boo. I’ve never been a big fan of blind faith. I believe that questioning every level means that you just show concern because you really do care about the outcome of the team. It may not be the most popular way to support your team, but it’s the way I like to do things because it keeps people on their toes, no matter how much they like or dislike it.

Yet, sometimes I feel maybe I do go overboard with things and that I just get overzealous in my role. Sometimes I just feel like I’m playing devil’s advocate for the hell of it, something which I get ashamed of at times. My good friend, u12, pointed out that sometimes when you look like you’re questioning things; you come off as trying to look cool. I guess I can agree and disagree with that comment. Yes, the intent of questioning even when you don’t really believe in what you’re questioning is to keep people on their feet. Unfortunately, the price you pay for such a thing is that you seem negative, cynical, and once again, jaded. However, that is a price I accept and I know I pay, because if you ask people about me, one of those words may come up. It’s just the way things are.

How does all of this relate to politics? Well, in essence, politics can be viewed as a sports competition. You have a guy you root for and you have a guy who’s the underdog. People cheer for their guy and attend rallies, much like how we attend rallies to get pumped up for our homecoming team. And as for me, just like a sports competition, sometimes I question the guy who I’m rooting for. As I said before, I’m never a big fan of blind faith.

And, just like when I questioned Cal, when I questioned my guy people are quick to judge my ideals and thoughts. Questioned things like what change is exactly going to happen? How is universal health care going to be done, and should I be skeptical? Is McCain really that bad of a guy? What’s the price tag for all this change?

Apathetic. Uncaring. Cold-hearted. Ignorant. It’s the same reaction I get from my fellow Cal fans when I get skeptical about my team, magnified to a greater spectrum. Many different assumptions come up all which are untrue, mainly the assumption that I didn’t vote for the guy everyone else did simply because I look at the other view from time to time. At first I bothered me. Just because I don’t slobber over the said presidential candidate, people assume the worst. The assume things that I’m a greedy asshole because I care about how much I’ll have to pay in taxes. Or they would tell me to vote, but would get outraged if I dare say I wouldn’t vote for their guy. Give me a fuckin’ break, you preaching assholes. Last time I checked, you didn’t really give a shit about the last election, just because you’re having a hard time paying off loans you shouldn’t have taken, you’re going to get all prissy about it? Shit. I hate this country's need to always tell you what to fucking do when we're built on the principle of let me do my own fucking thing.

It made my outlook on politics even more jaded than before. This is why I stick to sports, I thought.

I pretty much carried this sentiment all the way until November 4th. And as the election was closing and Obama was winning, I just thought to myself good for him. That’s it. That’s all I thought. I didn’t cheer or praise the lord that change was coming, I didn’t celebrate because I thought now gas is going to be free, houses are going to be affordable, and magical elves were going to clean my shoes every day. No. I just thought, okay, that’s good, the election is over.

But then, a few minutes later, I started to think about what had just happened, I started to think HARD about what just happened. I saw on CNN people were cheering, smiles abound and down the street from my Oakland apartment, horns were honking. People were literally celebrating on the streets. And that’s when I thought, you know what, this is kind of nice. America has been through a rough few months, and to see all this hope, blind or not, it was a refreshing thing to see.

And that’s when I realized this is something America needs right now. If not for the policies, if not for his economic plan, we just needed someone to give Americans something to cheer for, at least for this moment.

Is this something McCain could do? I clearly doubt it. Unfortunately for him, he’s guilty by association. I guess in the end it doesn’t matter though, because the guy this country needed to win got elected. And yes, I’m glad he did. Like I said, just because I question the guy doesn’t mean I didn’t root for him.

And so, now that the election is over we’ll see how things fold. And I will continue to question, because that’s just the way I am, and that’s how I show my support for the home team. Don’t mistake it for cynicism or being dispassionate. If anything, it is passionate because I do so for my love of the home team.

So if I still come off misunderstood, oh well. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Thank You AP Voters, You Have Screwed Us Over

I’m not sure if any of you Cal fans have noticed that there is a disturbing trend happening this season. At the beginning of the year, Cal entered their 2008 campaign unranked with the expectation that it was a “rebuilding” year. After all, we had a new receiving core and a young running back carrying the team. Plus, we weren’t sure about who our main QB would be. Our season looked to be mediocre at best.

But then we won our opener against a tough Michigan State team and destroyed Washington State in game two. Guess what, we were ranked bitches. Number #23 in the nation, and going strong all the way over to Maryland. We were ready for… shit.



Okay, so things didn’t turn out the way that we planned. After that stinker to the Terrapins, Cal fans were grounded once again. I mean, we should’ve just been grateful that we ended up ranked. So after that, we were humble. But then we won once, and then we won twice. Guess we actually are for real! Hey look at that, another nice shiny ranking, at number 25. Cool! If we keep this pace up we’ll be number thirteen in no…. shit!

Back to reality again! What the fuck Cal, why are you such a big cock tease? You give us some and then all of a sudden we get the rug pulled under us by losing to these mediocre teams. Arrgh. At that point of the season, I wasn’t going to believe anything the AP Poll said because it didn’t matter. Once we get ranked, we lose the next week. Once is a coincidence, twice is a fact, and if it happens a third time, well it’s a certainty.

Before beating Oregon, I knew that the Oregon, USC stretch in our schedule was going to be crucial. If we beat these two teams, the rest of the season should be a piece of cake and maybe, just maybe, we would make the Rose Bowl after all these years. That’s why after we beat the Ducks, I was ecstatic because it looked like our fortunes were changing. The matchup against USC looked winnable and the Rose Bowl seemed to be in grasp. Then I went to Yahoo Sports and I found out that, surprise surprise, we’re ranked.

Great. Now it’s pretty much expected that we’re going to lose to USC, most likely in an embarrassing manner. I mean I already kind of thought we had only a slim chance against USC, but now that we’re ranked, we’re totally fucked. What the hell AP voters? Why do you want to screw over us Cal fans like that huh? You think ranking us will help our cause? Well guess what assholes, it hasn’t helped all season and it certainly isn’t going to help us defeat a fucking team that we haven’t beat since 2003. If we couldn’t hold our own against the likes of Maryland and Arizona after being ranked, what kind of chance do we have over USC? Shit, man!

Why did you rank us anyway? We’re not very good. Oh, big deal we beat Oregon. You know who else beat Oregon? USC, by a lot. See, it’s not that impressive. I mean really our team isn’t stellar at all. We have a split quarterback system, and I’m not talking about a cool one like they had in Florida with Tebow and Leak, I’m talking about a shitty one with Riley and Longshore. A two QB system with one QB who gets his confidence shattered easier than a fat girl at a date auction and another QB who makes the kind of throwing decisions that, well, Nate Longshore would make.

I mean our defense is okay, but it’s not top 25 okay. We gave up 42 points to Arizona for Christ sakes. Definitely not top 25 material.

So in conclusion AP voters I would just like to extend my hand to tell you to fuck yourselves, because now we’re totally, eternally screwed thanks to your votes.

The Only Black Hole Around Oakland Is The One Coming From My Fantasy Team

Don’t let those 77 yards fool you, people. 67 of those yards were done on the ground thanks to the hard fought, but lost cause efforts of Justin Fargas and two errant scrambles by JaMarcus Russell. If you do the math correctly, that only leaves 10 passing yards for the whole game. That’s right, 10 passing yards. Pretty amazingly pathetic.

What is even more astounding is how those 10 passing yards stack up compared to other passing statistics throughout the day. Let’s observe.

Did you know that?

- Earnest Graham (a running back) and Mark Bradley (a wide receiver) had more passing touchdowns than JaMarcus Russell on Sunday. They each had one. Graham threw one to Stanford alum Alex Smith, who is pictured.

- Kevin Faulk from the Colts. had a better passer rating than Russell yesterday. Russell’s rating: 19.0. Faulk’s rating 79.2. How did Faulk achieve that rating? One completion on one attempt for a gain of -2 yards.

- Tyler Thingpen (a third string quarterback for the Chiefs at the beginning of the season) had more receiving yards than the whole Raider receiving core combined. Thingpen had a total of 37 receiving yards while the Raiders had 31.

- Thingpen also had more receiving touchdowns that day compared to the Raiders. Thingpen 1 TD’s, Raiders 0 TD’s.

- Matt Ryan had a better rushing average than Michael Bush. Ryan gained 1 yard on 4 attempts, making his average a deflating 0.25 yards an attempt. Bush on the other had had -2 yards on 3 attempts, making his average about -0.7 yards per attempt.

- The Eagles threw to more than 3 times the amount of receivers the Raiders threw to. The Eagles threw to 10 different players. The Raiders only threw to 3.

- Todd Herremans (an offensive tackle) had more touchdown catches than anyone on the Raiders on Sunday.


- The Raiders’ passing yardage equaled the amount of people who Al Davis has sucked the soul out of.

Okay, that last one was fake. I think. So yeah…………. how about them…. Sharks?

Youtube Sundays: Meet Jordan

Don't know who to feel sorry for here, Conan, or Jordan.