How Should I Inspire My Team? I Know! I'll Drop Trou!

When we witnessed Mike Singletary’s rant Monday morning, I knew that us sports bloggers were truly blessed with a new gift. Here is someone who is going to give us one hell of a show, good or bad. Unlike the Isiah Thomases or Terrell Owenses of the world, whose price for entertainment is enduring their nauseating personalities, Mike Singletary comes off as a breath of fresh air. He’s kind of like the George Foreman of the new era, a passionate, fun guy who will provide us stuff to write about all while we’re rooting for him. His positively and downright love of the game make it hard to go against the guy.

That’s why only in the zany world of sports, when Singletary decides to pants himself in front of his team, I decide to applaud him. Wait, what?

That’s right; the statement you read is no joke. In order to inspire the 49ers after their abysmal performance in the first half of last Sunday’s game, Singletary did what any visionary coach would do, he dropped it like it’s hot. In his words, he wanted to “illustrate that we were getting our tails whipped on Sunday and how humiliating that should feel for all of us.” Well sir, I think you have made your point, so to speak, and for that we salute you.

This may seem like a joke to anyone who reads it, but the only joke on display last Sunday was the 49ers performance. When a team sucked as much as they did, drastic measures had to be taken, even if they are that of the full monty variety.

We only hope that this doesn’t start a trend among NFL coaches. If Norv Turner decides to drop his pants during a motivational speech, I’m sure there will be a 500 percent increase in attempted suicides among the Chargers. Shawne Merriman won’t be the only person who’s “lights out.”

PWNED (In Pictures!)

In case you missed the complete havoc that the Lakers laid on the Clippers yesterday, here are some pictures that pretty much tell the story. (Ok, Billy Crystal and Slash don't really tell this story either, but hey, you get what you get).

Pregame. When Kobe Bryant is in a picture and he' NOT the focus, you know something big is on the way. I mean just look at that Asian Pop Star-esque gaze into the camera. Only a megastar would know how to nail that pose.

"Hey Joe, can you please come back to the Yanks?" (I had to state the obvious).

When Jordan Farmer is rebounding over you, you know its time to question your skill set and how effective it is to the team.

Normally, this picture would bring up a wow factor since it is a block on a center, but this is Chris Kaman and this is Andrew Bynum, so I don't think I need to explain any further.

"Thank god Axel is such a dick and I'm not with the Guns n' Roses anymore."

(If you haven't heard the new GNR yet, don't bother. It sucks. I mean sucks sucks. I mean really sucks. I mean Ben Stiller and Jack Black in Envy sucks. I mean the last three seasons of SNL sucks. I mean getting hit in the balls while feeling the shame that you spent 20 dollars on this crap sucks. I mean SNL after the elections sucks. I mean Jessica Alba's acting sucks. Mike Myers sucks. Season 6 of 24 sucks. Yeah I think you get the idea.)

Teammates reunite. Yay. But as a Warrior fan, I would just like to say welcome back, Baron. (Whomp whomp). See what happens when you leave a loyal fanbase to go to play in LA? You get whooped by the big brother from across town. You should have never left. You and Monta Ellis could've gotten injured on mopeds together. TOGETHER!!!!

Even Mother Nature Hates the Phillies

Rain delays, postponed games, really. Can it come any worse for the city of Philadelphia? On the verge of winning a World Series since 1980, when the city's giving hope on its football and hockey teams, none other than Mother Nature is saying no to them.

And you ask why?


Because Mother Nature made a deal with the baseball gods. Stolen bases equates to FREE TACOS to the entire nation!!


Hope everyone got their free tacos last night between 2pm - 6pm. Taco Bell may be fake and super nasty, but FREE is FREE.

Anyways, let's see if the Phillies will get a chance to win the World Series tonight, because I'm looking foward to seeing more of Jade McCarthy:

A Gift Too Good To Be True

Thank you god. For a while, I had to say that I was beginning to run out of things to write about. I mean, as my readers know, the only thing I really love to cover is good old NFL football. Sure I enjoy college football and basketball, but mocking kids who go out and play their hearts out doesn’t bring me too much personal enjoyment. Okay it does, but I do feel like kind of a jerk after every scathing college sports article I write. I mean, these guys are my age, playing for my entertainment. They put their bodies on the line and work their asses out everyday. Most importantly though, I feel bad because they don’t get paid for it and technically I make more money than them.

No, the fun has always been ragging on professional athletes, grown men who, let’s face it, act like five year olds on the playground most of the time. The ridiculousness of professional sports can reach astronomical heights sometimes, and even surpass the ridiculousness of politics.

Well, maybe not so much, but still you have to admit that things in sports can get down right outrageous sometimes. When you live in a world where Terrell Owens, a monster athlete who could easily whoop my ass, crying like a grown man about “his quarterback”, then yeah, things get pretty silly.

However, as of late, things have been rather calm. Sure, the Cowboys continue to be a circus sideshow and Kyle Orton of all people is contending for a spot in the Pro Bowl, but out here in California, things are uneventful. The Raiders and Niners are outstandingly un-extraordinary and the Chargers are well, the Chargers.

And because of this, I’ve been rather stuck on what to write about. I’ve really been running out of material. I mean, I can only write so many Norv Turner, Alex Smith character mockings before they got stale, and trust me, even I think they’re growing a little old. Other than a few characters, who else is there to write about? JaMarcus Russell? Boring. Frank Gore? Really boring. LT? Oh, just shoot me now. Seriously, there’s no one out there to mock no one! But then God, you came through and gave me this to work with:



And all I have to say is, you rock.

Is It Possible To Fire People On Airplanes?

Because seriously, this guy sucks.

The picture says it all. I'm sure that flight back to America has never been more awkward.

Youtube Sunday: The Angry Video Game Nerd Take Of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles On The NES

The insults are classic. Try to integrate them in everyday life.

Back to Philly...

the city of brotherly love, minus the sports.


Just look at the pitching matchup for Game 3. Who do you think is going to win? The happy, smiling ALCS MVP, or the 40-something year old guy who looks completely lost starting his first World Series game after 20-something years in the majors who surprisingly had a decent year.


Before the series started, it was already fact that the Rays had a better starting rotation, more balanced, more competitive. The entire city of Philadelphia was relying on a young Cole Hamels. We also knew the Phillies would make it up with their offense. I mean, come on, with Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, and Pat Burrell, and Pedro Feliz and Jayson Werth for you Giants and Dodgers fans.

But who would've thought that they would suck ass! Jimmy Rollins is hitless in the World Series. The Phillies CAN NOT hit at all with runners in scoring position. While the Rays have hit homers after homers. This series proves that he young guns are keeping it real.

The Rays will definitely win the World Series.

The above guy, who's going to win AL Manager of the Year, looks more deserving than this battle of the biggest beer belly dude.


Face it, Philly. You can't win anything.

The Eagles are always decent, but end up choking. The choking started already this year, bring them back down to a mediocre team. The Flyers? Holding firmly to the last spot in the standings, finally notching their first win of the season last night. Sixers are "rebuilding" again and again. No wonder A.I. left. But hey, I gotta give them credit. They may make the 8th playoff spot this year!

So forget it, Philly. Sports isn't your thing. Stick with rooting for Rocky, but looks like the Botox isn't working anymore either.


Don't worry though, I still like your Phillies cap though. You got my brotherly love there.

Nostalgia Friday: Introducing Coach Mike Singletary, the Tecmo Bowl God

When the Niners announced their new head coach, I was fully aware of whom the man was. I’m no dummy; I knew that Mike Singletary was one of the greatest undersized linebackers of all time. He was greater than Zach Thomas, Dat Nguyen, and countless others. Measuring only at 6 feet tall and 230 lbs, he still packed quite a wallop for those foolish to get in his way.

However, the real reason I knew of him wasn’t because of his illustrious playing career. It was actually because he was easily one of the most dominate forces of the greatest football game of the 8-bit era: Tecmo Bowl.

In today’s football game, you’ll rarely ever find “cheap” players. I’m talking about players who are so unbalanced in their game that simply having them on your team will likely cause you to blow out your opponent. Mike Vick from Madden ’04 is a classic example. The guy could run and pass, and don’t tell me that QB spy works on him because it doesn’t!

Back in the 80’s though, things were different. You see, Tecmo didn’t care about all this fancy shmancy stuff you call realism. No, instead they focused on creating a fun football game that can be played by everyone. You say Madden has realistic playbooks? I say Tecmo Bowl has the 4 only plays you’ll ever need in football, Pass1, Pass2, Run 1, Run 2. Why make it complicated? You say Madden has realistic player physics? Screw that. Give me a game where line backers can mow past linemen and cause them to go flying 50 ft in the air. That’s the football game I want.

Most of all though, Tecmo Bowl is chalked full with unbalanced players. You want the perfect passer? Just pick Miami and Dan Marino is your man. Joe Montana was also extremely over balanced. I remember I would drop back in the pocket 40 yards then out of no where just let the ball fly. Final play: touchdown via 90 yard pass. Hell yes.

Easily the most overbalanced player ever though was the legendary Bo Jackson. He was fast and way too powerful. If your running back was strong enough, whenever he got tackled, instead of actually getting tackled, there would be this little animation that cased the two players to look like they were in a slap fest. If you pushed A hard enough, you could send the defender flying. Bo Jackson never got tackled, and yes, he sent many defensive backs flying.

While Bo was the most overbalanced player in the game, there was one man who was extremely overbalanced on defense. Who? Why, Mike Singletary of course. He was fast, like running back fast. That made him great as a rusher and as a coverage guy. Also if you picked the right play to counter the offensive play, well let’s just say Mike would make the O-line look like bowling pins. It was kind of unfair because Mike was on defense and Walter Payton was on offense. Though Payton was like the poor man’s Bo Jackson, he was still pretty unbalanced. Thus, the Bears were pretty much unstoppable in Tecmo Bowl.


So now that you’ve learned about the sheer awesomeness of Mike Singletary in Tecmo Bowl, you know that he has the qualifications to be a great coach. Screw his record, screw his win losses, the only thing you need to judge his qualifications is that cool little NES cartridge. Word.

Shawne Merriman, Live From London

Ooooooooooooooh, you sucka’s better be glad that Shawne Merriman didn’t show up to the little birthday party that you guys threw on Monday, because if Shawne Merriman was there, you know shit would’ve gotten torn up! Ain’t no one out there parties harder than Lights Out, NO ONE!!!!

What about me SW?

Shut the hell up white boy and get back to yo’ hotel room before I beat the shit out of you! No one interrupts big S in the middle of his blogging.

Okay…

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the reason I wasn’t out there in California to celebrate with all you candyasses is because I’m out here in England with the team. We’re playing the Saints this week, and after we’re done with them, they’ll be back being called Ain’ts. Didn’t like that joke? Well too bad, because if you don’t laugh, I’m gonna ram my goddamn boot into your face, sucka!

Let me tell you what, England is a weird place. They got these dudes dressed up in red with these big ass hats who won’t talk to you. At first I tried to say, “what’s up bitch?” and they didn’t respond. The nerve of these guys. They just stood there like they thought they were better than me. So that’s when I asked them very politely if I could COME UP FROM BEHIND THEM AND BUST A ROCK BOTTOM ON THEIR CANDY ASSES.


BOOM BITCH!!!

And you know people here at tea and crumpets. I don’t even know what a crumpet is, all I know is that’s not what Shawne Merriman eats. I don’t eat anything but hard nails and steel, because I’m one tough mother fucker!! Pssht, the British, what a bunch of pansies.

Well, anyway, I got to go now, seems that LT be complaining about the coldness here. Time to set that bitch straight!

Two Cal Football Players Arrested For Robbery Via Toy Gun

And now a piece of serious news, kind of:

On the night of September 30, 2008, two Cal football players, RJ Garrett and Gary Doxy, have been arrested on grounds of entering Clark Kerr Campus and holding up Jonathan McGraw-Bentley and Steve Giahos at BB gun point in an attempted robbery. Clark Kerr is a dormitory located off campus known for housing several athletes of different sports.

According to the Daily Californian, the attempted robbery was made in retaliation to racial slurs made against Garrett and Doxy’s friends. Upon hearing about the slurs, Garrett and Doxy countered with the attempted robbery. Only problem was that they tried to rob the wrong guys.

The slurs in question were made by members of the Crew Team. Bentley and Giahos are also members of the Cal Crew Team. However, they were not the ones who hurled the insults at Garrett and Doxy’s acquaintances, and in a case of mistaken identity, they became the targets.

Immediately after the arrest, Garrett was dismissed from the team. Doxy was already dismissed from the team earlier in the summer.

Though some would question why McGraw Bentley and Giahos didn’t notice that they were being held up by a BB gun, I must attest that those things look damn real sometimes and also they hurt like a bitch. Certainly the price to prevent those little welts was worth whatever they lost in the attempted robbery.

For more details on the story, head over to the Daily Cal.

And What A Party It Was

First of all, I would like to say thanks to all of the people who read this blog. We have slowly been increasing the amount of readers we have, and I think its great that all the hard work has paid off. I really do enjoy writing for the audience. All the dick jokes and crass that gets flown around is all in fun, and because of that, it's been a great ride so far. There are some days when I get the blogging burnout, but really, I am surprised that the blog has lasted one whole year. Let's make it two!

That being said, I pretty much exhausted myself writing all those posts yesterday, so enjoy them! There were some characters I missed, like Shawne Merriman and Philip Rivers, but we'll get to them soon.

And with that, I will leave you to the rest of your day. But don't think we haven't forgotten about this major story:

Best Birthday Ever.

TPIC's Birthday: A Very Special Performance By Barry Zito

Oh man, this guitar solo is totally rad dude. I could do this shit all day, it's much more exciting than that boring pitcher stuff I'm forced to do. Anyway, why am I here? Oh yeah, to sing happy birthday to you, TPIC! Here goes nothing..

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to fuckin' you!! YEAHHH!!!

Begins playing Eruption by Val Halen.

Check out this shred man!!! Whoooo!!! Suck on that, Manny! Oh shit, back to the song..

Happy Birthday to umm.... um.... you guys!
Happy Birthday to... Back in Black!!!! Yeahh...!

Begins playing AC/DC.

This is classic man.... whoa. Whoa! Whoa!!! I'm so high right now. Uhhhh, why are the walls melting dude?

OH MY GOD, I CAN'T FEEL MY FACE!!!! SOMEONE HELP ME, I'M FREAKIN' OUT MAN...AHHHHHH.

Zito begins puking.

WHOA THIS IS INTENSE MAN. EVERYTHING IS SPINNING. UGH, WHAT IS GOING ON...! I FEEL SO DIZZY, I THINK MY BRAIN IS TRYING TO LEAVE MY MIND THROUGH MY EARS. WHAT THE FUCK, WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PENGUINS HERE??

AAAAHHHH!!!

Barry passes out.

Best birthday ever.....ugh.

Don't worry, we just told Smithers to have The Rolling Stones killed. Barry's post is here.

TPIC's Birthday: SJ Sharkie Drops By

You guys don't cover enough hockey, so I don't even know why I'm stopping by to say anything.

I, SJ Sharkie, thinks the writers at The Play in CA are totally prejudice against the sport on ice, so SJ Sharkie is gonna do something about it.

Ahem....there needs to be more hockey articles or I'm going to come over there and bite all of your fucking heads off!!!!!!!! I'm may be cute and cuddly, but I'm still a shark, bitches!!!

Oh, and happy birthday or whatever.

Always good to hear from you Sharkie. We got one or two special greetings coming up to close the day, so stay tuned!

TPIC's Birthday: Alex Smith's Playlist

Hey guys....

It's super cool that you guys made it one year. I made it one year you know...as the Niner's starting quarterback. Oh those were the days.

Sniffle.

Anyway, I didn't have the spirit to think of a cool birthday present, but I did make a neat playlist for you guys. I think this is better than a gift. A playlist lets me share my thoughts and emotions with you. Instead of buying you something you can throw away, I got you something that shares a spiritual connection between us. That's more thoughtful, just like Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. Have you seen that movie? Man it's awesome.

Anyway, here's my playlist:

Armor for Sleep - Hidden Track
Blink 182 - Adam's Song
Blink 182 - You Fucked Up My Life
The Rocket Summer - Christmas Present
Armor for Sleep - Kind of Perfect
Fort Minor - Where'd You Go
The Cure - Just Like Heaven
The Cure - Boys Don't Cry
Death Cab For Cutie - The New Year
Goo Goo Dolls - Iris
Radiohead - Creep
Jimmy Eat World - My Sundown
Aimee Mann - Save Me
New Found Glory - It's Not Your Fault
Coldplay - Trouble
Coldplay - The Scientist
Linkin Park - My December
The Verve - The Freshmen
Muse - Starlight

and of course ........... REM - Everybody Hurts

BECAUSE EVERYBODY DOES HURT, MAN.

Sigh............

Uhhh, thanks Alex! Even though the day is almost done, we still got some more to go. Yippeeeeeee!

The original Alex Smith post is here.

TPIC's Birthday: A Greeting From Kobe Bryant

Hey TPIC, Happy Birthday!!

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Where the white bitches at?

TPIC's Birthday: Jim Harbaugh's Birthday Speech

Sup Play in CA. I normally would be here to say congradu-fuckin’-lations and all that jazz , but you’ve been giving big Jim here a bit of the shaft lately. How could you fucktards do college previews for USC, Cal, and UCLA, but not one for everyone’s favorite coach? What’s up with that man? I’m like TPIC’s number one character. I totally would’ve won that stupid California Sports Person of the Year bullshit if it wasn’t for that damn Shark. Technically he’s not a human, SO I AM the best sports guy around. And yet with all these accolades, I still get no love? What the fuck?

This makes Jimmy H not a happy camper. It’s because you guys have a Cal bias. You know what I do to Cal football teams? I rape them and then steal their stupid axe. That’s not even a real axe, this is a real axe:

Flexes bicep.

See how I made the comparison between my bulging biceps to an axe. That’s true word play right there. Only the cleverest of wordsmiths could make that metaphor. That’s why I’m the greatest coach ever. Greatest coach ever AND greatest writer ever. That F. Scott Fitzgerald guy was a total pussy, had absolutely nothing on me.

Just look at him. What a queer.

Well yeah anyway, I’m glad you invited me to your gay party or whatever. All I know is the Jim gets some free drinks and some free cougars to hit. Can’t argue with that offer, give me a high five!

The original Jim Harbaugh post is here.

TPIC's Birthday: Thunder the Warrior Mascot Brings His Gift

Happy Birthday, TPIC! I just wanted to stop by and offer this little gift:

What? You don't like it? What do you mean it's half empty? You say it smells like its a week old? Really? Well guess what, assholes, I'm homeless remember?!? So if you don't like, you can suck it, fucko!

Ugggggghhhhh... glug glug glug.... someone get me another bottle of Jack, stat. My hangover is starting to creep up on me.

Thanks Thunder! More to come throughout the day.

TPIC's Birthday: A Gift From Nash the LA Bandwagon of OC

What's up home dogs?

I'm a grip of bummed that the Red Sox lost yesterday. I mean, I'm a huge Sox fan and it was just big let down. I don't live in Boston and I don't know many of the players, but I'm a huge fan regardless. I mean, I own a Red Sox cap that I bought 4 years ago right after they won the series the first time. That's what a true fan does!

Oh well, there's always next year. Did I also mention I'm a huge Rays fan now? I'm lovin' Tampa Bay!

I'm really glad that TPIC invited me to come by. I'm totally digging the blog scene right now. Yesterday, I was thinking about starting my own blog, but I got way too distracted shopping online for my seventh bluetooth. Can't have one too many of those!

Anyway, I just wanted to stop by with a gift:

It's the perfect gift for you guys. I love it because with this baby, I can root for any team. The Kings are doing good? Well can't you see I'm a fan of them because I'm a fan of the NBA. See, works with any team. That's what us true fans do, we support our teams when they're good. Makes perfect sense to me.

Oh excuse me, someone is calling my Black Berry. Looks like there's a sale foing on at Hollister, I must go now. Chao!

Thanks Nash!

Nash was created in this post.

TPIC's Birthday: A Word From Aaron Rodgers

Hey guys, I just wanted to say happy birthday and drop off the cake. Isn't it pretty?

Oh, and I invited Mark Chimura, so lock your daughters. My bad.

Thanks Aaron! For the original Aaron Rodgers post, click here. Then you'll understand all these jokes.

TPIC's Birthday: Marty Schottenheimer Congrats Speech

Hi everyone,

First I would like to say that it’s a great honor being able to speak to all of you today. I’m really glad that TPIC is celebrating it’s first birthday. Ever since I was retired as a coach from the Chargers, I’ve had a lot of time to think about my tenure there. At first, I was a little bitter, but then afterwards I came to realize that my time in San Diego was just over. I mean, sure I gave them the best regular season record in the history of their franchise, but I couldn’t win the big one. Heck, they won a crucial playoff game last year against the Colts without me. Good for them. I tell you that Norv Turner is doing….. one… heck of a…..

AHHH SHIT, I CAN’T DO IT! SERIOUSLY, 3-4 RIGHT NOW? LOSING TO THE FREAKING DOLPHINS?!?! HOW DOES THIS MAN HAVE A JOB??? HOW DO I HAVE NOT ONE??? SON OF A BITCH. I WHOULS BE THE COACH, I SHOULD!!! WHERE ARE YOU NORV?? OH THERE HE IS SITTING IN THE CROWD. SOMEONE SHOULD KICK HIM OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW. SECURITY, SECURITY, ESCORT THAT LOSER OFF THE PREMESIS.

HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I SAID ESCORE NORV OUT, NOT ME. GET YOUR GODDAMN HANDS OFF OF ME. HELP ME, SOMEONE! PHILIP, LT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SAVE ME…….AAAGHHH…

….NORVVVVV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The original Angry Marty Post.

Welcome to TPIC's 1st Birthday Party!

Hi, welcome to The Play in California’s first year birthday party! I’ll be your waiter tonight. My name is Joe.

Oh, I look familiar you say. Well maybe this will jog your memory.

(Throws a football)

Nothing? That doesn’t ring a bell. Hm.. ok, how about this:

Still nothing? I see. Oh wait you say I do remind you of someone. Could it be a former famous Cal…


…no I don’t do gay porn. I’m Joe Ayoob not Joe Ahhhhhhhh-oooooh. And thay guy, it’s Nate Longshore, not Nate Longdong. Goddamnit. I’ll just bring you to your table.

In honor of our first year, we’ll be presenting you with more tidbits from the first official TPIC birthday bash. There will be more guest speakers inspired by the posts based on them. This Joy Ayoob recollection was of course a reference to our first post ever! Stay tuned for more.

Youtube Sundays: Dead Fantasy

For all the inner nerds out there (including me) this has to be the sickest fan made video series I've ever seen.

Part 1:



Part II:



Tomorrow marks the one year birthday of TPIC, which is fitting because it happened after a second Cal loss. Our sucktitude is the way to celebrate creation! So, get ready for an extra special day of TPIC posts :)

Game 6: Boston Miracle...Again?

It was J.D. Drew in Game 5. Now it's all headed back to Tampa where 5000 Rays fans will show up, or at least that's how it used to be. Heck, even Nash from OC are Rays fans now. Or is he still a bandwagon Red Sox fan?

So, this game is pretty much it. If the Rays win, they move on. If the Red Sox win, they have the momentum and they will pretty much dominate Game 7 as well. It's DO or DIE for both these teams. Can't wait to see what happens tonight! It's going to be a dogfight.

Friday Nostalgia: The Ugliest NFL Uniforms the 80's Had to Offer

After about one year of covering sports in California, I’ve learned that Fridays can be very slow days to have any good writing material in the Fall. Baseball season has just ended, and now we are in the limbo stage of when hockey and the NBA begin. Thus, nothing too exciting happens in the world of sports on Fridays, California wise at least.

Last week I did a nostalgic piece on pogs that I enjoyed writing quite a lot. I think Fridays will now be designated to nostalgic pieces like that, unless something miraculous happens like a Philip Rivers assault charge or a 49ers win.

When deciding what exactly I was going to write about, I thought long about what topic I could cover exactly. That lead to me quickly reminiscing about the good old days when the Patriots sucked, Mike Ditka was still a coach, and Steve DeBerg was basically the greatest quarterback in NFL history to me just because he was on the Chiefs. Yeah, those were simple times indeed. That was what my initial article idea for today, so usually with all the articles I write, I browse the internet for images that fit well with the story. Upon researching players in the NFL from the 80’s, I concluded one thing: THE NFL HAD SOME UGLY, BROKE ASS UNIFORMS BACK THEN. I know pastels and bright colors were the craze back in the day, but c’mon, did it have to translate over to football? People looked fruity enough sporting a bright colored headband, but that didn’t mean my gridiron heroes had to follow the phase too. Ugh.

Thus, a new article was born, one where I analyze a dark time in NFL uniforms: the 80’s. There were many horrendous things that players were forced to wear back in the 80’s, but these teams were down right merciless in their fashion choices. Observe my picks for the four worst the Yuppie Era had to offer:

New England Patriots

Before the Patriots were known for their masshole fans, choker status, and taciturn coach, they were known for two things: being really shitty and this monstrosity:

I wonder how this logo came about. I’m sure the marketing guys were sitting around the office thinking, “Hmmm, what could we draw that would represent a patriot and the game of football?” “I know how about a patriot holding a football!” Wow. It’s like the Occum Razor solution to football logos. Unfortunately, it’s not the best answer. In fact, it’s the shittiest one. Then there are those horrid red and white uniforms.

We get it, Boston is near Harvard, and Bostonians love crimson. I guess it’s the color of choice for douches.

Denver Broncos

Dear Denver, thanks for making one of your greatest legends look like a total pansy out on the football field. Seriously, the blue pastel on the helmet doesn’t really help with the macho factor either. Also, the contrast with the orange as a uniform color is hard on the eyes. Lastly there’s the whole throwback Bronco logo:

There are many things that just scream wrong, unintentional of course. First is the snot or whatever that is streaming from the nose. I’m not sure what kind of message you’re trying to send out by saying your mascot has the ability to blow a giant booger on you. There’s also that misplaced ear. It’s quite obvious it’s an ear at close examination, but to bystanders, it kind of looks like a horn. That’s right a horn. Like you know, the ones unicorns have. Pretty unicorns. The long flowing hair doesn’t help either. It’s like the Bronco is a mythical being, something that could use its magic on you and blow rainbow kisses of death in your way while Rulon Jones rams his goddamn helmet into you. How poetic! Ugh.

Seattle Seahawks

I know Seattle is known for its high amounts of suicide and depression, but does that have to be reflected in its choice of helmet and uniform colors? There’s nothing more drab than gray with white. Sure the blue and green liven it up a tad bit, but it’s so unnoticeable that all you can really think of is rain and how this world is so damn horrible, and this was before Kurt Cobain. Then again, when Dave Krieg is your starting quarterback, you might have no option than to drive your car into a brick wall.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Hasn’t anyone figured out now that orange in football NEVER looks good?

Ahhh, the holy grail of ugly uniforms. Everything that could go wrong in uniform did go wrong with the Bucs choice of threads. Bright, blinding colors: check. Hard to make out logo on the helmet: check. Ambiguously gay mascot: double check.


The fact that he’s winking makes you know he wants you. Yes sir, just from looking at their uniforms you knew that the Buccaneers were going to suck, and boy did they ever suck? The funny thing is that this is one of the rare cases that the uniform was actually blamed for poor performance. After the Bucs traded in Bucco Bruce for the more bad ass skull pirate ship motif, the team has enjoyed considerable success. They won a Super Bowl and continue to be somewhat of a threat in the NFC South. That’s much better than just being known as “That Shitty Team With the Orange Uniform.” That’s the only way I knew them back then.

I know this list may seem short. If I made a complete list of worst uniforms from the 1980’s, it would probably consist of nearly every single team in the NFL. The 80’s had the worst sports fashion choices in the history of the game. Good lord, how did people watch football without wanting to gouge their eyeballs out back then?

Joe the Plumber is Excited for the World Series

While flipping through channels on his average 13" broadcast television set last night, Ohio's own Joe the Plumber had only a couple of choices. Almost every cool broadcast channel out there (NBC, CBS, ABC...) had this,


while one Fox channel had this,


Joe the Plumber, along with the millions of average Americans out there last night, were just stooped! The decision was so hard! What does the average American watch on an average Wednesday night? Even the people not sitting at home had to face this life-changing decision during these harsh economic times in America. Just trying to get away, walking into a Best Buy or a Circuit City, people were faced with this:


It was time for Joe the Plumber to declare his vote. After a couple financial calculations about buying/not buying his own business and after a couple cans of beer and peanuts, Joe the Plumber finally made his decision on 2 of the toughest candidates we have ever faced in this country...

(Akon's "Lonely" plays in the background)

What did I tell you, America? If you read yesterday's post, I already told you that the Dodgers would LOSE! Obviously, Joe the Plumber read it, and he watched the Phillies advance to the World Series!! Huzzah!

Joe the Plumber is super-stoked for the World Series. Phillies vs. Rays after they take care of the Red Sox tonight or tomorrow. I'll give Boston 1 or 2 leeway games, since they always seems to come back somehow.

Joe the Plumber is tired of all the elections crap. It's all back-and-forth, back-and-forth. He wants a break from it all to enjoy the World Series! Obama and McCain can argue and argue, but Joe the Plumber wants his free time to enjoy America's past time. If McCain can watch the Arizona Cardinals beat the Dallas Cowboys on a Sunday, why can't Joe the Plumber watch the Phillies humiliate the Dodgers in LA on a Wednesday?

Anyways, the point is...

See you next year, Dodgers. California postseason baseball just did not impress this year. =(

Joe the Plumber is ready for the World Series baby!!

Matt Stairs-way to Heaven

FYI - I thought of that title before MLB.com took it, even though I'm sure many of the other awesome clever slick bloggers came up with it too...

Matt Stairs. That name sounds familiar. Ahh...that's right! The 72-year-old who used to play for the Oakland A's. I remember him in his prime those days when he was just 58 years old. Those good old Athletics times...


Seriously CAN NOT tell the difference between the 2 pictures. The only similarity: Grandpa Stairs changed uniforms. And he's actually playing for the World Series now. But I just can't get past those young Athletic days.

Remember Ben Grieve, who's supposed to be the up-and-coming next big thing?


Where the heck is he now? Working behind a Mickey D's counter? Wal-Mart? Vendor at the Network Associates Coliseum? Excuse me, it's the McAfee Coliseum now. Don't mind me and my old nostalgic self.

Anyways...I've just about had it with the Dodgers. For all you Dodger hopeful and faithfuls out there, quit wasting your time.

YOUR SEASON IS OVER!!

I'm calling it right here, right now.

- Rafael Furcal will do some pregame running on the treadmill and slip and break his ankles.

- Andre Ethier will foul the batting practice balls off his knee and injure it badly.

- Manny Ramirez will wear a Manny wig and choke on his own fake hair.

- Russell Martin will catch the ceremonial first pitch from Alyssa Milano and get hit in the balls.

- James Loney will stretch so far out of first during fielding practice and pull his hamstrings.

- Blake DeWitt will get socked by Casey Blake for stealing his name.

- Casey Blake will get suspended for socking Blake DeWitt, and sucking horribly at the plate.

- Any center fielder who plays will fall into the Andruw Jones suckiness trap for the rest of their career.

- Chad Billingsley got rocked in Game 2; same goes for Game 5.

Not even the ye olde Joe Torre can help you now. Your time is up, Dodger Blue. You've just been cursed by the ORANGE GIANT. Muahahahhahahaha Make room for the Phillies vs. Rays in the 2008 World Series.

On the bright side, you get free time at home to watch one of the funniest sitcoms out there. At least they still got some Dodger pride for ya:

Nash From The OC Has The Worst Day Ever

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I can’t believe this is happening….. it’s so horrible…. I mean I was so close to seeing things come true…. So close to victory…. Then some douchenozzle had to come and just blast it away from me…. I could’ve been happy… I could’ve gotten what I wanted…but…..

THEY RAN OUT OF PINK POLO SHIRTS AT ABERCROMBIE!!!!

Why goddddd why? I was right there, shopping in the OC, about to get the newest one, then some guy named Skyler had to just reach over and grab it. Damn, could life get any harder?

What’s that, the Dodgers lost? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I was so proud of LA after they won one. They did win one right? So what’s the series, 3-1? Oh that’s not that bad. I’ll start caring when it becomes 3-3 or whatever.


The Red Sox lost too? Whattttt…. You’re crazy! They’re like the best team ever! I mean, I wouldn’t have put a picture of Dice-K on my MySpace and Facebook if they weren’t. Man….

This is truly a dark day in the life of Nash.

Bill Belichick Could Care Less About Your Fantasy Team

The Patriots meltdown continues and Tom Brady is no longer overrated. Without the Father of the Year, the Patriots are 3-2, stamping the L with an abysmal performance yesterday night against the Chargers. The Chargers soundly beat the crap out of them, and I can already see Philip Rivers on douche threat level Red.

In retrospect, 3-2 isn’t that bad. I mean, they have a winning percentage better than any of the teams out here in California. However, going from a perfect 16-0 regular season to 3-2 is a bit of a buzz kill, especially when expectations were set rather high this year with Tom Brady caging his anger through the off season. I’m pretty sure he was waiting all year to release a barrage of TD passes only to have his dreams crushed by an obscure Kansas City Chief team member. Oh well, it could be worse. You could be the Lions.

Leave it to Bill Belichick though to make such a bland New England team a bit more exciting. As many of you tuned out once the Chargers were up 30-3, there were still some people watching, people with a fantasy stake on the line. Normally when your team is down by 20 points in the closing seconds, a classy NFL coach would’ve kneed this one and called it a game, but no, Bill Belichick is not that man. Instead, he decided to go all out even on the last seconds, calling Matt Cassel to throw a shot into the end zone.

It was funny because John Madden was lambasting him the whole time in the final seconds. .” It sounded just like I was playing Madden and I decided to run up the score on my opponent because playing offense is fun. And just like in the game, his old cranky man sound bites came in. “I don’t get it, the game is over, what’s the point of this?” Obviously you don’t play your own video game good sir, then you would understand what the point of it is.

The last play was vital for me for two reasons: A) my opponent had Matt Cassel and B) I had Randy Moss. The score seemed rather close between us two at the moment, and I can imagine that there were probably millions others who had their fantasy line waiting on the hinge of this play, and as Cassel scrambled and through a running pass, I could only wait in anticipation that his target would be……Benjamin Watson. What the fuck. I’m sure that less than 50 percent of fantasy players out there have Watson as a starter compared to the amount that started Moss. Good thing the play failed though, or I would’ve been down 6 more points (I lost by the way).

Billy B totally blue balled us fantasy wise. He gave us a tease and then threw it away by throwing it to someone who wasn’t a fantasy star. All I can say now is 30-10, take that dipshit.

Youtube Sunday: Bobak's Hammerhead Video

Back when Offspring's Hammerhead single first came out, they had a contest that asked their fans to make their own versions of a music video for the single. My friend Bobak decided to send a submission, and it's pretty well put together. It even has those censor things to blur out any commercialized products that appear in the video. You know that your video is professional when you have to do that.

Bobak is the hero in the music video, a man who goes to work and eventually says screw you by destroying trees and the environment as a whole. Take that hippies!

Anyway, they didn't win the contest, but they were a finalists, which isn't half bad. So enjoy the video and see you all on Monday after the Niners contribute to an inevitable Philly implosion.

For more info on the contest, go here.

Did Something Else Happen Over the Past Week?

Oh yeah, that...

By the way, I'm the new guy. As you can tell from my name, I'll just be handling the small posts around here, so don't expect any long rants from me. I'm not funny enough to do that.

But yeah, sorry hockey fans. No one here really watches hockey that much, maybe KC Cal, but he's kind of a poser. His words are not to be trusted. If you want hockey news (real hockey news), go here.

Have a hyphy weekend!

And Now For Some Off Topic Nostalgia: Pogs

For those of you expecting something about this:

I’m sorry to disappoint you. They loss, big whoop. I’ll wait until an inevitable Manny implosion before I start writing hilarious mock interviews with the boys in blue. Instead, it’s Friday, the weekend is coming, so why not celebrate it with some good old fashion nostalgia!

Remember pogs? Yes pogs. Those cardboard circle thingies that was popular for about 5 mins. Okay okay, they actually were popular for a much longer time, but why they were baffles me even today.

If you didn’t grow up in the 90’s, you probably don’t know what pogs were. Thus, I will take some time to explain the game of pogs. There are two components to pogging, the pogs themselves and slammers. Pogs were cardboard circles that were about 1.5 inches in diameter and probably 0.5 millimeters in thickness. A slammer was about 2 millimeters and 2 inches in diameter and was usually made of a hard, heavy substance like metal. The pogs and slammers themselves usually had images of something cool, whether it be skulls, animals, yin yang signs, whatever useless imagery kids were attracted to those days. Believe it or not, some were evenly mildly pornographic. I remember some kids on the playground thought they were the biggest bad asses because they had slammers with giant skulls on them. Douches.

The game itself was actually pretty simple. Kids would battle each other and wager their pogs in the battle. Say you had 3 Hello Kitty pogs that I desperately wanted (they were for my sister of course, heh heh), and I had 3 SWAT Kats Pogs that you really wanted (remember SWAT Kats? Oh, that’s for another nostalgic piece to come). Obviously, there were only 2 ways to settle this dilemma back on the school yard, A) fight to death for them, or B) pog battle. Thus we would battle, and you would place your pogs on top of my pogs in a little stack, face down. Then we would slam the pogs using our slammer. Slamming pogs meant that I would throw my slammer onto the stack of pogs and whatever pogs landed face up would be mine. Thus, if I was a good pog player, I could walk away with all of your Hello Kitty pogs. Basically, pogs were kind of like Jacks for retards.

I’m not really sure how the whole pog craze started. I just remember one day when I went to school I saw a bunch of my classmates playing, and like any other kid my age I had the simple logic of “if everyone else has it and I don’t, I must be a loser!” Thus, I needed to have some pogs, if not just to keep up with the trends. I never really remember playing with my pogs though because I was always too much of a pussy to gamble them away. Could you blame me? My parents wouldn’t spring five bucks for me to buy it, so this was my own hard earned money. Five bucks was practically my month salary back in the day. Why should I gamble them away? For other people’s pogs? That’s lame, they don’t even have any cool ones like mine. They just have a bunch of yin yang sign ones. Mine had snakes. Snakes are more bad ass than yin yang symbols.

Thus the pog fad was gone in sixty seconds for me. Instead, whenever I went to the trading card store and every other kid was buying pogs, I was buying football cards. My most prized possession at the time was a Rick Mirer rookie card that was valued at forty dollars when he was first signed by the Seahawks. Sadly, it is now worth five cents. Shit.

The other big controversy about pogs was that it promoted gambling. I always thought this was somewhat false. True kids were wagering their possessions on a game, but when in return they found out that the only thing they won were shitty cardboard circles, that rush you get from gambling disappears. All your left now is more cardboard circles that have no redemption value. If anything, it would turn you away from gambling.

Nowadays, you’ll be hard pressed to find any kids with pogs. It’s now just an obscure reference on the Simpsons, though I can agree with Milhouse that Alf is back… in pog form!

Instead, the new fad is High School Musical, which I will NEVER understand. I can understand the mild thrill of throwing down a metal disk at cardboard circles. I can even understand why virtual pets were cool (its like I have a pet but no responsibility for it! If it dies, the Humane Society won’t fine me…. awesome!), but seriously, high school kids singing and dancing on the Disney Channel? Doesn’t the Disney Channel do that like every single freakin’ day? What makes this lame ass movie so popular? God. Shoot me now. I guess it’s a little more enjoyable with Vanessa Anne Hudgens in it….

Or for the ladies, Zac Efron…

On second thought, he’s dating Vanessa Anne, so fuck that guy.

So there you have it, your piece of nostalgia. You may be asking, isn’t there more important things to talk about in the world like the economic crisis? Sure there is, let’s talk about our future right now.

Wow, isn’t that depressing? Sure really picked up my day!

Dodgers? Why Not. Tampa Bay Rays? The Real Deal.

There goes a possible FREEWAY WORLD SERIES down the drain...As proven by the Cubs, a century-old curse will remain another century-old curse. Along with the Angels, they both proved that having the best record in their own leagues means absolutely jackshit--it only gave them higher expectations and bigger disappointments. Just look at the Angels, clinching their division 3 quarters into the season, having all that time to prepare for the playoffs, for NO REASON AT ALL.

What's the point?! Oh well, let's look into what's really going down in the playoffs right now:

Either the Dodgers or the Phillies will play in the World Series. Who would've thought that it would be one of these teams? Dodgers have a rotation of Lowe, Billingsley, Kuroda, and maybe Kershaw, while the Phillies have Hamels, Myers, Moyer, and Blanton. Do any of those sound World Series worthy to you?

From what I've seen so far in the MLB playoffs, 1 guy is carrying his team and only this 1 guy is capable of winning it all:

Just look at Manny, carrying his entire team and living the L.A. celebrity life already. If the Dodgers get to the World Series, it's only because of this fella. But again, if they can get by Dempster, Zambrano, and Harden with no problem at all, how are the Phillies supposed to stop them?

On the American League side, I seriously think we have a REAL series. It's time for the "New Kids on the Block" Tampa Bay Rays to step up to the plate. Maybe it was the team name change at the beginning of the season. No more "DEVIL" means playing extremely well!

The pitching matchup should be fun to watch:

vs.

This is what I'm talking about! October baseball!!

Cheer Up Cubs Fans!! (Angel Fans, You Can Suck It)

Just take it nice and slow, there's always the next 100 years...


Uncle Earl here waited the first 100 years, so what's another 100 years? It's just time...


If you were a die hard fan, you would certainly tattoo the Cubs logo on your back to show it to the world on your wedding day, wouldn't ya? What the heck, you have to be proud of how bad your team sucks!!


But if you REALLY need to mourn with the Cubby faithfuls, check out this MySpace page of the Cubs fans who truly believed this was their year, and eventually they will somehow find their way to drink their century-old (and counting) sorrows away...

I've Been Preparing All Week For That Loss, And It Just Paid Off

Norv Turner addressing his team after losing to Miami.

Great loss yesterday guys. I mean, I, your coach Norv Turner, could not be happier with that loss, really. I remember last week when we pulled that amazing win over Oakland, people were saying that Norv Turner was finally turning into a winner. They said Norv was no longer the coach who entered his tenure with the Chargers with more career losses than wins. The media began to forget that in my ten years of coaching I’ve only appeared in the playoffs twice. Those hot shot newscasters at ESPN were forgetting that I’ve had as many losing seasons as I have winning seasons. Yep, for a moment there, I thought they were going to just call me a downright winner.

Well guess what, you guys proved them all wrong today, and I couldn’t be more proud.

After last week’s win, I had to really focus if I wanted to go back to my losing ways. I had to ignore game film, strategy, team meetings, the whole works! And guess, what? It was worth it.

I mean can you imagine how things would have gone if I prepared and analyzed that famous Miami Wildcat offense that they used to destroy the Patriots? Well, we would have probably won! Yes sir, if I had just studied some game film and created some schemes to counter the Wildcat, we could’ve rendered it useless. And I thank god that I decided not to, because doing something competent and winning a game is just not the Norv Turner way.

Even without the analysis, it was still tough to pull out an L. I mean, Ted Cottrell was practically begging me to stack seven or eight in the box. Any idiot could see that with the Wildcat formation in stride, Ronnie Brown was getting the ball. It would take someone with audacity to decide to stick with a four or five corner set. Well I’ll tell you what, Norv Turner, he’s that Mr. Audacity. Yes sir, I had to sit Ted down and tell him that I was the boss. I’m not going to take that malarkey, this is my team, and damnit, a Norv Turner team does not make good decisions! Got that? If I wanted to keep my loser reputation, I had to set Ted straight.

And guess what? Miami got a touchdown using the big WC formation. Norv 1, Ted 0. So suck on that you old geezer!

You may ask, “Hey Norv, what’s wrong with being a winner?” Well I’ll tell you what’s wrong with winning, it’s for losers. That’s right, you heard me. My coaching style has gotten me tons of jobs. Look at my history. The Redskins, the Raiders, the Chargers, countless coordinator positions, it’s all thanks to the Norv Turner coaching style. You may all trash me because I’m a loser, but guess what, this loser knows how to get hired. I could crash a Carnival Cruise Ship into an iceberg and I’ll probably be promoted to head of the fleet. You know why? Because I’m Norv Turner baby.

So complain all you want about how much I suck as a coach, all I know is this guy is getting paid. Who’s stupid now, queers?

Man Those 20 Years Seemed Like Forever

Finally, it's been 20 years, but finally, we are that much closer to the big finish! Us Dodger fans, we all know about loyalty. I mean, it's been 20 long years man, who else can say that they've had such a drought??



Oh.... right.... our bad Chicago...

Youtube Sundays: Russell Crowe Fightin' Round the World

You don't edit Russell Crowe's poetry!!!

Candace Parker: MVPookie of the Year

What does Candace Parker, Wilt Chamberlain, Jim Brown, and Ichiro all have in common?


No, Ichiro's Japanese silly! In my own words, they are all MVPookies of the Year!

It's Saturday, give me a break. I need to rest up so I can watch the WNBA Finals between the Detroit Shock and San Antonio Shocked. Hahaha...again, Saturday, holla back young'n woo woo! The Detroit Shock vs. the San Antonio Silver Stars.

There. I love the WNBA. I'm the only freaking writer on this blog who would actually write about the WNBA. Why? I don't know. Give them some credit. I just want to congratulate Little Miss Candace Parker for a great rookie season. MVP and Rookie of the Year, how many times does that happen? Only once in a blue moon, with the above mentioned names, plus Wes Unseld and Fred Lynn.


Alright, Candace. You got your 5 minutes of fame here on TPIC. But lay off those Krispy Kreme if you wanna play longer. You don't wanna end up like old, fat, funny as hell, T-Mobile Chuck:


Alright, let's get back to reality and back to some more entertaining sports, aka baseball playoffs (Dodgers/Cubs article coming soon) and Cal vs. Arizona State.

Say So Long to Thunder the Mascot, Warrior Fans

Thunder the Warrios mascot no longer has a job. The mascot has to retire due to the new Oklahoma City franchise already claiming the rights to all that is “thunder” related. We recently caught up with him to find out his thoughts:

It’s been a tough week since I found out the Warriors were going to let me go. It’s totally not fair. The Oklahoma City Thunder, pssssht. That’s not even a real mascot; it’s almost as lame as the Heat. Besides, who says there can’t be two Thunders around? The NBA? Well fuck them!

Glug glug glug.

Anyway, ever since being let go, I had to sell the house out in Pleasanton. Mrs. Thunder wasn’t too pleased about that either and she ended up leaving me for Jerry Johnson who lives down the street. Oh, I’m sorry Mrs. Thunder that I can’t pay for a three bedroom house or a buy you a new Camry or take you out to fancy restaurant like Jerry Johnson can. What ever happened to those vows that we made when we got married, that you’ll support me in rich or POOR?! She even took lil’ Thunder with her. WHORE!

Glug glug glug.

God, it’s pretty tough out there on the job market for mascots. First I tried applying for a position in Oklahoma City. You think it’d be easy right? I mean their team name is Thunder, my name is actually Thunder, a match made in heaven right? Wrong. Those jerk offs just don’t think that a guy who has lightning bolts for hair represents the company image. What the hell man? Could it not be more obvious?

Glug glug glug.

Then I tried applying for other teams, but you know what? It’s really hard to apply for a job as a mascot WHEN YOU’RE SKIN IS FREAKING BLUE! I tried applying for the Lakers, but they’re yellow and purple. Then I tried applying for the Kings, but they’re purple. What the hell man?

Finally I landed a solid interview with the Wizards, but they said that they already hired more suitable for the job:

What. The. Fuck. How can this lardo attract the fans. He doesn’t even know how to ride a scooter correctly for Christ sakes. Besides, doesn’t Washington want to hire someone with a more built physique? Someone who has muscles literally bulging out of his jersey, someone who is built and bulk?

What, you say? No, I didn’t get fired because of those steroid allegations alright?

Glug glug glug.

God my life is a mess. I would do anything if I could just do one more triple summersault slam dunk during half time.

Nash From So Cal Is Going To Root For..... Boston?!

Sup dudes? (And dudettes LOL)

It’s your homeboy Nash coming in reporting live coming in from the Bay Area. Why would a so cal boy like me be caught up in the North? Well that’s because Nash loves all of California. All the hippies and liberalism, San Francisco, Berkeley, they’re all so money. When I’m up here, it really feels like I’m already making a difference in the world, just by breathing the air! Up here in Nor Cal, people really know what the issues are all about, issues like how Obama represents change. I haven’t really read about him much, but I mean, look at the guy. He totally represents change. Not like McCain, that guy totally doesn’t look like he’s going to change anything. It’s just another Bush in disguise, and we all know how bad Bush is! He’s so Republican and white and old, totally not changing anything.

I’m just so glad I live in California where people know about these issues of change. God forbid if I have to live in a place like Texas or Alabama where people inbreed and the KKK lurks around every single corner. I’m sure a guy like me, a guy who is so progressive, would totally be in danger because of all those hicks out there. They’d probably get into their pick up and start blasting at me with their shotguns while waving the confederate flag. Yeah I definitely know how those rednecks operate out there, even though, you know, I’ve never been out there or seen how Texas or Alabama is. But if the movies have taught me anything it’s that the South is one scary place to open minded, non prejudice citizens like myself.

The one thing I also love about Nor Cal up here are so much more progressive than down in Los Angeles. People aren’t shallow and they don’t wear make up. They never are materialistic or anything like that. In fact, when I’m up here, I feel like I totally mesh with the crowd too, because I totally am against all those greedy corporations taking my money. I love to stick it to the man and…. OMFG, IS THAT A NEW URBAN OUTFITTERS HAT?!?!? AND IT’S ON SALE?!?!? ONLY 50 BUCKS!!!! YES, I MUST HAVE I MUST HAVE!

Gets in his BMW and drives to the nearest Urban Outfitters and purchases hat.

Awesome, I’m gonna look so chill with this hat on.

Anyway, let’s get back to the business at hand, baseball. Have you been watching the playoffs? You haven’t? What have you been doing then?!?! Work? Pssht, how come you have to work? I certainly don’t. I’m in my 6th year at college now. You mean you’re parents don’t pay for everything? Well that’s a shame. You really should ask them harder.

But yeah, I’ve been totally watching the playoffs. It rocks. I never really watched any games in the regular season or went on ESPN to look up how my favorite team is doing, but when the playoffs roll around, baseball is number one. I like update my Facebook status everyday and talk about how great baseball is. That’s real dedication right there.

And like any die hard baseball fan, there’s only one team I care about right now: THE BOSTON RED SOX!!!! Yeah…………! You may be asking yourself, hey, aren’t you from Los Angeles, why aren’t you cheering for the Angels? Well sir, the answer is quite simple: it’s because the Red Sox are totally amped right now! You can’t walk down the street without people wearing a Red Sox cap, it’s so cool. The Red Sox nation is growing every day, and I’m a member! I never really followed the team when they sucked, but once they started winning, they totally rule. Didn’t you see how they blasted the Angels? Only losers like teams who lose, and I’m not one of them. In fact, I bought all this cool Red Sox gear yesterday! I even changed my MySpace picture to a pic of Papelbon. Once again, that’s real dedication.

The Angels are so going to lose. In fact, the game is on right now! Oh, it’s the fifth inning; let’s see what the score is… Angels 5, Boston…..2?!?!?!?! What?! This can’t be!! The Red Sox should be totally dominating, dude. What’s up with that! My life I shattered. I’m a grip of bummed now man, I can’t believe my team might not make it past the first round. There’s no reason to live, what am I going to do? What am I going to do!??!

THE ANGELS ARE SO MONEY RIGHT NOW!!!

This Is the Greatest Day of My Life

Fuck Yes.

I, Lane Kiffin, am OUTTA here mutha fucka! Gone! Caput! Vamoose! I’m out faster than a Lance Bass – Clay Aiken double headlining show out in the Castro. Yes sir, I’m out that fast. And you know what? Thank god! Every minute I was working for Bram Stoker’s Dracula, I felt like I was losing a piece of my soul. You did see that picture in his office didn’t you? Talk about making a deal with the devil…

Didn’t like that joke? Well fuck you! I don’t give a rat’s ass. Nothing can bring me down from this high right now, nothing! A Russian satellite could come raining down on my blonde head and I would still be filled with glee. Oh, you say you think different? You say that judging from that interview I gave on ESPN I actually looked disappointed in the way things went? Well guess what, you thought wrong! Actually, that stuff on ESPN, all that huff n’ puff with me saying that I was “hurt” by the comments made in Al’s press conference was pure acting. Major league acting. Leonardo DiCaprio in the Gangs of New York acting. Yes sir, I mastered the part of somewhat disgruntled fire employee. Someone hand me my Oscar now.

And speaking of Mr. Raisin’s little tirade, let me make things clear. What old Freddy Kreuger said in his press conference was true, 100 percent non bullshit true. That part about me trying to get fired. True. That part about me asking if I was still going to get paid. Damn straight that’s true. That part about Al saying he picked the wrong guy. Couldn’t be truer. Calling me a professional liar? True to an extent. Not wanting to draft JaMarcus? Oh yes, definitely true.

Whoa whoa whoa reader. Before you start throwing accusations and calling me a jerk like a regular Al Davis, let me explain why all those things above are true. About the trying to get fired, let me ask you this loyal citizen, if you were working for Al Davis, HOW COULD YOU NOT WANT TO GET FIRED? Seriously. You think you’re boss is a control freak. How about working for a guy who is a total Nazi about every freakin’ single decision you make? You know how uncomfortable it is when I’m preparing for a draft and I have Al Davis’s moth ball scented body breathing literally down my neck? It’s as comfortable as listening to a guy make a dead baby joke in the maternity ward. Shit.

Second of all, of course I’m going to ask if I’m going to get paid. I have to take Stalin’s orders every freakin’ single second of every freakin’ single hour of every freakin’ single day for two goddamn long ass years and you expect me not to ask for any compensation? C’mon man, after those two years of torture, I’d expect to get paid not only for the rest of the year, but for the rest of the life! Shit, think of it like welfare for former Raiders coaches. I don’t even want to know how Madden did it for 9 long years. No wonder he ended up so loony.



And that was just one game.

Professional Liar? Damn right I was a professional liar. I lied every single day when I was out there as a coach of Oakland. Every time I said “this team is a great team.” Lie. “Our guys tried their hardest.” Lie. “I’m very proud to be the coach of the Raiders.” You can be that was a lie. “JaMarcus looked good out there.” Oh God, that was definitely a lie.

Speaking of Mr. Russell, I can say I read your stupid letter Al, and I love the fact that you told me to get over drafting JaMarcus and your statement that he is a good player. Cough, I’m sorry I just vomited in my mouth a little. I took your advice Al, and I can say I am over it. When JaMarcus ends up with a 39 QB rating after the next two seasons, I’ll definitely be over it. When in a few years you’ll be having another tirade, this time against Mr. Russell, oh yes, I’ll definitely be over it. And hey, maybe in a few years if he ends up being that great player you see, I’ll still be over it, in fact I’ll be happy for him. You know why? Because JaMarcus Russell isn’t the dick, you are Count Chocula.

So there you have it folks, I hope this answers your questions. I hope the Raiders do well, really I hope they do. I hope they all succeed, well except Al Davis, Rob Ryan, Cable, John Herrera, and pretty much all of the administrative staff. Fuck those guys. I’m going back to the place where people treat each other right: Hollywood bitches. Watch out Pete, I’m coming back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!