When we witnessed Mike Singletary’s rant Monday morning, I knew that us sports bloggers were truly blessed with a new gift. Here is someone who is going to give us one hell of a show, good or bad. Unlike the Isiah Thomases or Terrell Owenses of the world, whose price for entertainment is enduring their nauseating personalities, Mike Singletary comes off as a breath of fresh air. He’s kind of like the George Foreman of the new era, a passionate, fun guy who will provide us stuff to write about all while we’re rooting for him. His positively and downright love of the game make it hard to go against the guy.
That’s why only in the zany world of sports, when Singletary decides to pants himself in front of his team, I decide to applaud him. Wait, what? 
That’s right; the statement you read is no joke. In order to inspire the 49ers after their abysmal performance in the first half of last Sunday’s game, Singletary did what any visionary coach would do, he dropped it like it’s hot. In his words, he wanted to “illustrate that we were getting our tails whipped on Sunday and how humiliating that should feel for all of us.” Well sir, I think you have made your point, so to speak, and for that we salute you.
This may seem like a joke to anyone who reads it, but the only joke on display last Sunday was the 49ers performance. When a team sucked as much as they did, drastic measures had to be taken, even if they are that of the full monty variety.
We only hope that this doesn’t start a trend among NFL coaches. If Norv Turner decides to drop his pants during a motivational speech, I’m sure there will be a 500 percent increase in attempted suicides among the Chargers. Shawne Merriman won’t be the only person who’s “lights out.”
Friday, October 31, 2008
How Should I Inspire My Team? I Know! I'll Drop Trou!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
PWNED (In Pictures!)
In case you missed the complete havoc that the Lakers laid on the Clippers yesterday, here are some pictures that pretty much tell the story. (Ok, Billy Crystal and Slash don't really tell this story either, but hey, you get what you get).
Pregame. When Kobe Bryant is in a picture and he' NOT the focus, you know something big is on the way. I mean just look at that Asian Pop Star-esque gaze into the camera. Only a megastar would know how to nail that pose.
"Hey Joe, can you please come back to the Yanks?" (I had to state the obvious).
When Jordan Farmer is rebounding over you, you know its time to question your skill set and how effective it is to the team.
Normally, this picture would bring up a wow factor since it is a block on a center, but this is Chris Kaman and this is Andrew Bynum, so I don't think I need to explain any further.
"Thank god Axel is such a dick and I'm not with the Guns n' Roses anymore."
(If you haven't heard the new GNR yet, don't bother. It sucks. I mean sucks sucks. I mean really sucks. I mean Ben Stiller and Jack Black in Envy sucks. I mean the last three seasons of SNL sucks. I mean getting hit in the balls while feeling the shame that you spent 20 dollars on this crap sucks. I mean SNL after the elections sucks. I mean Jessica Alba's acting sucks. Mike Myers sucks. Season 6 of 24 sucks. Yeah I think you get the idea.)
Teammates reunite. Yay. But as a Warrior fan, I would just like to say welcome back, Baron. (Whomp whomp). See what happens when you leave a loyal fanbase to go to play in LA? You get whooped by the big brother from across town. You should have never left. You and Monta Ellis could've gotten injured on mopeds together. TOGETHER!!!!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Even Mother Nature Hates the Phillies
Rain delays, postponed games, really. Can it come any worse for the city of Philadelphia? On the verge of winning a World Series since 1980, when the city's giving hope on its football and hockey teams, none other than Mother Nature is saying no to them.
And you ask why?
Because Mother Nature made a deal with the baseball gods. Stolen bases equates to FREE TACOS to the entire nation!!
Hope everyone got their free tacos last night between 2pm - 6pm. Taco Bell may be fake and super nasty, but FREE is FREE.
Anyways, let's see if the Phillies will get a chance to win the World Series tonight, because I'm looking foward to seeing more of Jade McCarthy:
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
A Gift Too Good To Be True
Thank you god. For a while, I had to say that I was beginning to run out of things to write about. I mean, as my readers know, the only thing I really love to cover is good old NFL football. Sure I enjoy college football and basketball, but mocking kids who go out and play their hearts out doesn’t bring me too much personal enjoyment. Okay it does, but I do feel like kind of a jerk after every scathing college sports article I write. I mean, these guys are my age, playing for my entertainment. They put their bodies on the line and work their asses out everyday. Most importantly though, I feel bad because they don’t get paid for it and technically I make more money than them.
No, the fun has always been ragging on professional athletes, grown men who, let’s face it, act like five year olds on the playground most of the time. The ridiculousness of professional sports can reach astronomical heights sometimes, and even surpass the ridiculousness of politics. 
Well, maybe not so much, but still you have to admit that things in sports can get down right outrageous sometimes. When you live in a world where Terrell Owens, a monster athlete who could easily whoop my ass, crying like a grown man about “his quarterback”, then yeah, things get pretty silly.
However, as of late, things have been rather calm. Sure, the Cowboys continue to be a circus sideshow and Kyle Orton of all people is contending for a spot in the Pro Bowl, but out here in California, things are uneventful. The Raiders and Niners are outstandingly un-extraordinary and the Chargers are well, the Chargers. 
And because of this, I’ve been rather stuck on what to write about. I’ve really been running out of material. I mean, I can only write so many Norv Turner, Alex Smith character mockings before they got stale, and trust me, even I think they’re growing a little old. Other than a few characters, who else is there to write about? JaMarcus Russell? Boring. Frank Gore? Really boring. LT? Oh, just shoot me now. Seriously, there’s no one out there to mock no one! But then God, you came through and gave me this to work with:
And all I have to say is, you rock.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Is It Possible To Fire People On Airplanes?
Because seriously, this guy sucks.
The picture says it all. I'm sure that flight back to America has never been more awkward.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Youtube Sunday: The Angry Video Game Nerd Take Of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles On The NES
The insults are classic. Try to integrate them in everyday life.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Back to Philly...
the city of brotherly love, minus the sports.
Just look at the pitching matchup for Game 3. Who do you think is going to win? The happy, smiling ALCS MVP, or the 40-something year old guy who looks completely lost starting his first World Series game after 20-something years in the majors who surprisingly had a decent year.
Before the series started, it was already fact that the Rays had a better starting rotation, more balanced, more competitive. The entire city of Philadelphia was relying on a young Cole Hamels. We also knew the Phillies would make it up with their offense. I mean, come on, with Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, and Pat Burrell, and Pedro Feliz and Jayson Werth for you Giants and Dodgers fans.
But who would've thought that they would suck ass! Jimmy Rollins is hitless in the World Series. The Phillies CAN NOT hit at all with runners in scoring position. While the Rays have hit homers after homers. This series proves that he young guns are keeping it real.
The above guy, who's going to win AL Manager of the Year, looks more deserving than this battle of the biggest beer belly dude.
Face it, Philly. You can't win anything.
The Eagles are always decent, but end up choking. The choking started already this year, bring them back down to a mediocre team. The Flyers? Holding firmly to the last spot in the standings, finally notching their first win of the season last night. Sixers are "rebuilding" again and again. No wonder A.I. left. But hey, I gotta give them credit. They may make the 8th playoff spot this year!
So forget it, Philly. Sports isn't your thing. Stick with rooting for Rocky, but looks like the Botox isn't working anymore either.
Don't worry though, I still like your Phillies cap though. You got my brotherly love there.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Nostalgia Friday: Introducing Coach Mike Singletary, the Tecmo Bowl God
When the Niners announced their new head coach, I was fully aware of whom the man was. I’m no dummy; I knew that Mike Singletary was one of the greatest undersized linebackers of all time. He was greater than Zach Thomas, Dat Nguyen, and countless others. Measuring only at 6 feet tall and 230 lbs, he still packed quite a wallop for those foolish to get in his way.
However, the real reason I knew of him wasn’t because of his illustrious playing career. It was actually because he was easily one of the most dominate forces of the greatest football game of the 8-bit era: Tecmo Bowl.
In today’s football game, you’ll rarely ever find “cheap” players. I’m talking about players who are so unbalanced in their game that simply having them on your team will likely cause you to blow out your opponent. Mike Vick from Madden ’04 is a classic example. The guy could run and pass, and don’t tell me that QB spy works on him because it doesn’t!
Back in the 80’s though, things were different. You see, Tecmo didn’t care about all this fancy shmancy stuff you call realism. No, instead they focused on creating a fun football game that can be played by everyone. You say Madden has realistic playbooks? I say Tecmo Bowl has the 4 only plays you’ll ever need in football, Pass1, Pass2, Run 1, Run 2. Why make it complicated? You say Madden has realistic player physics? Screw that. Give me a game where line backers can mow past linemen and cause them to go flying 50 ft in the air. That’s the football game I want.
Most of all though, Tecmo Bowl is chalked full with unbalanced players. You want the perfect passer? Just pick Miami and Dan Marino is your man. Joe Montana was also extremely over balanced. I remember I would drop back in the pocket 40 yards then out of no where just let the ball fly. Final play: touchdown via 90 yard pass. Hell yes.
Easily the most overbalanced player ever though was the legendary Bo Jackson. He was fast and way too powerful. If your running back was strong enough, whenever he got tackled, instead of actually getting tackled, there would be this little animation that cased the two players to look like they were in a slap fest. If you pushed A hard enough, you could send the defender flying. Bo Jackson never got tackled, and yes, he sent many defensive backs flying.
While Bo was the most overbalanced player in the game, there was one man who was extremely overbalanced on defense. Who? Why, Mike Singletary of course. He was fast, like running back fast. That made him great as a rusher and as a coverage guy. Also if you picked the right play to counter the offensive play, well let’s just say Mike would make the O-line look like bowling pins. It was kind of unfair because Mike was on defense and Walter Payton was on offense. Though Payton was like the poor man’s Bo Jackson, he was still pretty unbalanced. Thus, the Bears were pretty much unstoppable in Tecmo Bowl.
So now that you’ve learned about the sheer awesomeness of Mike Singletary in Tecmo Bowl, you know that he has the qualifications to be a great coach. Screw his record, screw his win losses, the only thing you need to judge his qualifications is that cool little NES cartridge. Word.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Shawne Merriman, Live From London
Ooooooooooooooh, you sucka’s better be glad that Shawne Merriman didn’t show up to the little birthday party that you guys threw on Monday, because if Shawne Merriman was there, you know shit would’ve gotten torn up! Ain’t no one out there parties harder than Lights Out, NO ONE!!!!
What about me SW?
Shut the hell up white boy and get back to yo’ hotel room before I beat the shit out of you! No one interrupts big S in the middle of his blogging.
Okay…
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the reason I wasn’t out there in California to celebrate with all you candyasses is because I’m out here in England with the team. We’re playing the Saints this week, and after we’re done with them, they’ll be back being called Ain’ts. Didn’t like that joke? Well too bad, because if you don’t laugh, I’m gonna ram my goddamn boot into your face, sucka!
Let me tell you what, England is a weird place. They got these dudes dressed up in red with these big ass hats who won’t talk to you. At first I tried to say, “what’s up bitch?” and they didn’t respond. The nerve of these guys. They just stood there like they thought they were better than me. So that’s when I asked them very politely if I could COME UP FROM BEHIND THEM AND BUST A ROCK BOTTOM ON THEIR CANDY ASSES.
BOOM BITCH!!!
And you know people here at tea and crumpets. I don’t even know what a crumpet is, all I know is that’s not what Shawne Merriman eats. I don’t eat anything but hard nails and steel, because I’m one tough mother fucker!! Pssht, the British, what a bunch of pansies.
Well, anyway, I got to go now, seems that LT be complaining about the coldness here. Time to set that bitch straight!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Two Cal Football Players Arrested For Robbery Via Toy Gun
And now a piece of serious news, kind of:
On the night of September 30, 2008, two Cal football players, RJ Garrett and Gary Doxy, have been arrested on grounds of entering Clark Kerr Campus and holding up Jonathan McGraw-Bentley and Steve Giahos at BB gun point in an attempted robbery. Clark Kerr is a dormitory located off campus known for housing several athletes of different sports.
According to the Daily Californian, the attempted robbery was made in retaliation to racial slurs made against Garrett and Doxy’s friends. Upon hearing about the slurs, Garrett and Doxy countered with the attempted robbery. Only problem was that they tried to rob the wrong guys.
The slurs in question were made by members of the Crew Team. Bentley and Giahos are also members of the Cal Crew Team. However, they were not the ones who hurled the insults at Garrett and Doxy’s acquaintances, and in a case of mistaken identity, they became the targets.
Immediately after the arrest, Garrett was dismissed from the team. Doxy was already dismissed from the team earlier in the summer.
Though some would question why McGraw Bentley and Giahos didn’t notice that they were being held up by a BB gun, I must attest that those things look damn real sometimes and also they hurt like a bitch. Certainly the price to prevent those little welts was worth whatever they lost in the attempted robbery.
For more details on the story, head over to the Daily Cal.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
And What A Party It Was
First of all, I would like to say thanks to all of the people who read this blog. We have slowly been increasing the amount of readers we have, and I think its great that all the hard work has paid off. I really do enjoy writing for the audience. All the dick jokes and crass that gets flown around is all in fun, and because of that, it's been a great ride so far. There are some days when I get the blogging burnout, but really, I am surprised that the blog has lasted one whole year. Let's make it two!
That being said, I pretty much exhausted myself writing all those posts yesterday, so enjoy them! There were some characters I missed, like Shawne Merriman and Philip Rivers, but we'll get to them soon.
And with that, I will leave you to the rest of your day. But don't think we haven't forgotten about this major story:
Best Birthday Ever.
Monday, October 20, 2008
TPIC's Birthday: A Very Special Performance By Barry Zito
Oh man, this guitar solo is totally rad dude. I could do this shit all day, it's much more exciting than that boring pitcher stuff I'm forced to do. Anyway, why am I here? Oh yeah, to sing happy birthday to you, TPIC! Here goes nothing..
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to fuckin' you!! YEAHHH!!!
Begins playing Eruption by Val Halen.
Check out this shred man!!! Whoooo!!! Suck on that, Manny! Oh shit, back to the song..
Happy Birthday to umm.... um.... you guys!
Happy Birthday to... Back in Black!!!! Yeahh...!
Begins playing AC/DC.
This is classic man.... whoa. Whoa! Whoa!!! I'm so high right now. Uhhhh, why are the walls melting dude?
OH MY GOD, I CAN'T FEEL MY FACE!!!! SOMEONE HELP ME, I'M FREAKIN' OUT MAN...AHHHHHH.
Zito begins puking.
WHOA THIS IS INTENSE MAN. EVERYTHING IS SPINNING. UGH, WHAT IS GOING ON...! I FEEL SO DIZZY, I THINK MY BRAIN IS TRYING TO LEAVE MY MIND THROUGH MY EARS. WHAT THE FUCK, WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PENGUINS HERE??
AAAAHHHH!!!
Barry passes out.
Best birthday ever.....ugh.
Don't worry, we just told Smithers to have The Rolling Stones killed. Barry's post is here.
TPIC's Birthday: SJ Sharkie Drops By
You guys don't cover enough hockey, so I don't even know why I'm stopping by to say anything.
I, SJ Sharkie, thinks the writers at The Play in CA are totally prejudice against the sport on ice, so SJ Sharkie is gonna do something about it.
Ahem....there needs to be more hockey articles or I'm going to come over there and bite all of your fucking heads off!!!!!!!! I'm may be cute and cuddly, but I'm still a shark, bitches!!!
Oh, and happy birthday or whatever.
Always good to hear from you Sharkie. We got one or two special greetings coming up to close the day, so stay tuned!
TPIC's Birthday: Alex Smith's Playlist
Hey guys....
It's super cool that you guys made it one year. I made it one year you know...as the Niner's starting quarterback. Oh those were the days.
Sniffle.
Anyway, I didn't have the spirit to think of a cool birthday present, but I did make a neat playlist for you guys. I think this is better than a gift. A playlist lets me share my thoughts and emotions with you. Instead of buying you something you can throw away, I got you something that shares a spiritual connection between us. That's more thoughtful, just like Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. Have you seen that movie? Man it's awesome. 
Anyway, here's my playlist:
Armor for Sleep - Hidden Track
Blink 182 - Adam's Song
Blink 182 - You Fucked Up My Life
The Rocket Summer - Christmas Present
Armor for Sleep - Kind of Perfect
Fort Minor - Where'd You Go
The Cure - Just Like Heaven
The Cure - Boys Don't Cry
Death Cab For Cutie - The New Year
Goo Goo Dolls - Iris
Radiohead - Creep
Jimmy Eat World - My Sundown
Aimee Mann - Save Me
New Found Glory - It's Not Your Fault
Coldplay - Trouble
Coldplay - The Scientist
Linkin Park - My December
The Verve - The Freshmen
Muse - Starlight
and of course ........... REM - Everybody Hurts
BECAUSE EVERYBODY DOES HURT, MAN.
Sigh............
Uhhh, thanks Alex! Even though the day is almost done, we still got some more to go. Yippeeeeeee!
The original Alex Smith post is here.
TPIC's Birthday: A Greeting From Kobe Bryant
Hey TPIC, Happy Birthday!!
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Where the white bitches at?
TPIC's Birthday: Jim Harbaugh's Birthday Speech
Sup Play in CA. I normally would be here to say congradu-fuckin’-lations and all that jazz , but you’ve been giving big Jim here a bit of the shaft lately. How could you fucktards do college previews for USC, Cal, and UCLA, but not one for everyone’s favorite coach? What’s up with that man? I’m like TPIC’s number one character. I totally would’ve won that stupid California Sports Person of the Year bullshit if it wasn’t for that damn Shark. Technically he’s not a human, SO I AM the best sports guy around. And yet with all these accolades, I still get no love? What the fuck?
This makes Jimmy H not a happy camper. It’s because you guys have a Cal bias. You know what I do to Cal football teams? I rape them and then steal their stupid axe. That’s not even a real axe, this is a real axe:
Flexes bicep.
See how I made the comparison between my bulging biceps to an axe. That’s true word play right there. Only the cleverest of wordsmiths could make that metaphor. That’s why I’m the greatest coach ever. Greatest coach ever AND greatest writer ever. That F. Scott Fitzgerald guy was a total pussy, had absolutely nothing on me.
Just look at him. What a queer.
Well yeah anyway, I’m glad you invited me to your gay party or whatever. All I know is the Jim gets some free drinks and some free cougars to hit. Can’t argue with that offer, give me a high five!
The original Jim Harbaugh post is here.
TPIC's Birthday: Thunder the Warrior Mascot Brings His Gift
Happy Birthday, TPIC! I just wanted to stop by and offer this little gift:
What? You don't like it? What do you mean it's half empty? You say it smells like its a week old? Really? Well guess what, assholes, I'm homeless remember?!? So if you don't like, you can suck it, fucko!
Ugggggghhhhh... glug glug glug.... someone get me another bottle of Jack, stat. My hangover is starting to creep up on me.
Thanks Thunder! More to come throughout the day.
TPIC's Birthday: A Gift From Nash the LA Bandwagon of OC
What's up home dogs?
I'm a grip of bummed that the Red Sox lost yesterday. I mean, I'm a huge Sox fan and it was just big let down. I don't live in Boston and I don't know many of the players, but I'm a huge fan regardless. I mean, I own a Red Sox cap that I bought 4 years ago right after they won the series the first time. That's what a true fan does!
Oh well, there's always next year. Did I also mention I'm a huge Rays fan now? I'm lovin' Tampa Bay!
I'm really glad that TPIC invited me to come by. I'm totally digging the blog scene right now. Yesterday, I was thinking about starting my own blog, but I got way too distracted shopping online for my seventh bluetooth. Can't have one too many of those!
Anyway, I just wanted to stop by with a gift:
It's the perfect gift for you guys. I love it because with this baby, I can root for any team. The Kings are doing good? Well can't you see I'm a fan of them because I'm a fan of the NBA. See, works with any team. That's what us true fans do, we support our teams when they're good. Makes perfect sense to me.Oh excuse me, someone is calling my Black Berry. Looks like there's a sale foing on at Hollister, I must go now. Chao!
Thanks Nash!
Nash was created in this post.
TPIC's Birthday: A Word From Aaron Rodgers
Hey guys, I just wanted to say happy birthday and drop off the cake. Isn't it pretty?
Oh, and I invited Mark Chimura, so lock your daughters. My bad.
Thanks Aaron! For the original Aaron Rodgers post, click here. Then you'll understand all these jokes.
TPIC's Birthday: Marty Schottenheimer Congrats Speech
Hi everyone,
First I would like to say that it’s a great honor being able to speak to all of you today. I’m really glad that TPIC is celebrating it’s first birthday. Ever since I was retired as a coach from the Chargers, I’ve had a lot of time to think about my tenure there. At first, I was a little bitter, but then afterwards I came to realize that my time in San Diego was just over. I mean, sure I gave them the best regular season record in the history of their franchise, but I couldn’t win the big one. Heck, they won a crucial playoff game last year against the Colts without me. Good for them. I tell you that Norv Turner is doing….. one… heck of a…..
AHHH SHIT, I CAN’T DO IT! SERIOUSLY, 3-4 RIGHT NOW? LOSING TO THE FREAKING DOLPHINS?!?! HOW DOES THIS MAN HAVE A JOB??? HOW DO I HAVE NOT ONE??? SON OF A BITCH. I WHOULS BE THE COACH, I SHOULD!!! WHERE ARE YOU NORV?? OH THERE HE IS SITTING IN THE CROWD. SOMEONE SHOULD KICK HIM OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW. SECURITY, SECURITY, ESCORT THAT LOSER OFF THE PREMESIS.
HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I SAID ESCORE NORV OUT, NOT ME. GET YOUR GODDAMN HANDS OFF OF ME. HELP ME, SOMEONE! PHILIP, LT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SAVE ME…….AAAGHHH…
….NORVVVVV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The original Angry Marty Post.
