Getting Pumped Up For Cal Football 2008 By Remembering Cal Football 2007

As the college football season nears closer and closer this Thursday when Wake Forest takes on Baylor, I must say that I am looking VERY forward to this years’ games. After all, I had to sit through a whole off season without football, and there weren’t even any Pacman Jones stories to keep me entertained during this dry spell (I mean, c’mon Adam, pick up the pace). That being said, as a Cal fan, I realize the futility of having any enthusiasm towards this year because, let’s face it, we have no expectations really. No preseason rank, no Rose Bowl aspirations, we might as well call Kyle Boller back to see if he’s tired of being a sack dummy for James Harrison in Baltimore.

However, all Cal fans can agree that the one thing we are looking forward to is improvement. Last year was abysmal. We had our expectations set so high and had a glimpse of the National Title until the shit hit the fan and it all came down on us like poop from a Dave Mathews Band tour bus. With one horrible decision, our season never felt the same. It was a loss for the ages.

It was all quite memorable though, and luckily I was a season ticket holder to see it all fold out upon my two eyes. Thus, as a special bonus preview to this year, I’m going to run by my thoughts and emotions from last year in order to pump up Cal fans and make them realize this simple statement “Fuck. That. Shit. We’re going to erase last year’s train wreck into oblivion.”

(By the way, for all of you who complain that we cover Cal too much, suck it. If you want to write about another school, feel free to drop a line and notify me that you want to contribute. Does anyone really care about UCLA football anyway?)

Game 1: Tennessee vs. Cal
The kickoff to the season, and it was awesome. It was a hot day, but who the hell cares? I myself was skeptical going into the season about the hype, but this game changed my mind. It made me a believer. I should’ve known better.

Game 2 - 4: Cal vs. Colorado State/LA Tech/Arizona
Three wins in a row to somewhat unworthy opponents. The Colorado State game was a little too close to comfort for me (we only won by 6), but a win is a win. Also the first time I saw non Berkeley residents interact with the tree people. At that point in the protest, the fences were up, and people from Arizona were taking pictures of the spectacle. It was like I was at a zoo, no joke. In fact, I even overheard some people pointing and saying “look at that one there honey!” The kicker would’ve been if some of the onlookers started throwing peanuts at them. Then again, if that happened, one of the tree people might have jumped the fences and mauled someone. Then the police would have no choice but to take lethal action, causing the tree protesters to protest violence against tree protesters. Ah, it comes full circle.

Game 5: Cal vs. Oregon
I was at home when watching this game, and trust me it was great. You should know too, you probably saw it. DeSean Jackson was on fire that game, making you wonder where the hell he was the rest of the season.

Game 6: Cal vs. Oregon State
Ahhh, the game that changed it all. I remember how cocky a lot of us Cal fans were during the game, especially after hearing that #1 LSU had fallen to Kentucky. There were already chants of “We’re number #1!” Yeah, uh, we kind of have to win the game first. But no sweat, I mean we were up by 7 and Riley actually looked good during the game. Seems like it was no big deal our back up was in there, I guess we are going to be number 1!

Shit.

Game 7: Cal vs. UCLA
Well, it’s back to business again boys. One loss cannot be such a setback. We still have our eye on the Rose Bowl prize and Longshore is back in the game as a starter. Time to show these SoCal Wussbags how it’s done.

Double shit. The one bright spot is that this loss lead to the creation of this blog.

Game 8 – Whatever: Cal vs. the rest of the Pac-10, skeptics, disappointed fans, the world
Then there was the rest of the season and we all know how that went. We got to enjoy our yearly ass whooping by USC, an embarrassing loss to Washington, and ugh, no more axe. Meanwhile, most of the Cal student body switches from weed to alcohol. Ahh, who am I kidding, they’re still high as Ricky Williams on Arbor Day.

Armed Forces Bowl: Cal vs. Air Force
Ending the season with a bang. Riley comes in and saves the day. Meanwhile Longshore slowly establishes his legacy as the man slightly better than Joe Ayoob. What an accomplishment.


Wow, wasn’t that shitty? Well let’s hope it doesn’t happen again (who am I kidding). Go Bears!

TPIC College Football Preview: UCLA Bruins With Rick and Norm

Ughhhh……. I have no idea where I am right now. What happened last night?

Oh, that’s right, I took down all those beers like a mother fuckin’ champion!! That’s right! Who wants some of Slick Rick? You with the tie? Or how about with the polo shirt on. Yeah, you would like to take down the champ huh, you pussy. Um, hold on one second.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

Ugh, that’s better. Anyway, what’s this I have to fill out? Some kind of team preview? Team name, mascot, outlook on this year… shit, I don’t know any of the answers to these questions. I gotta get Norm in here. Norm? NORM! Where are you, I need your jiggly little ass to come down to my office immediately.

Norm Chow: You called Rick?

Rick: You damn right I called. Seems like I need to answer these questions for some geeks who own this blog up north, and since I haven’t really done any research or preparation or any of that goody twoshoe shit that you’ve been doing, I need some help answering these brain busters. You up for the task.

Norm Chow: Yes, I’m ready to answer, please proceed with the questions.

Rick: What’s our team name and mascot?

Norm Chow: UCLA Bruins

Rick: Key returnees?

Norm Chow: Ben Olson, though he is injured.

Rick: Really? When did this happen?

Norm Chow: During a scrimmage practice. You should know, you were there.

Rick: Oh, I must’ve been totally wasted during that scrimmage, but that’s the only way to watch practice goin’ on, am I right? Am I right?

Norm Chow: Um, whatever you say sir.

Rick: Outlook on…. ahh screw this horseshit. I don’t got time for this malarkey, I got partying to do. Say, by the way Norm, did you watch the Olympics? I figured you would’ve flown to China and visited your home village or something.


Norm Chow: Actually, I’m from Hawaii

Rick: Silly oriental! Chinamen ain’t from Hawaii, Chinamen are from China. I thought all you Asians were supposed to be good at math and history and all that fancy smart boy stuff.

Norm Chow: I’m going to go now.

Rick: Hey, could you get me a six pack on your way out??

Be prepared for the next college preview, because a special friend is coming back to grace the pages of TPIC…

The TPIC College Football Preview: Cal Golden Bears With Starring Jeff Tedford

Listen up turd nuggets, when The Play in California asked me to make a special guest appearance on their so called blog, I told them I don’t know what a blog is. Then I hopped on this internet thing and read all the filth and garbage this website has been spewing concerning the pride and glory of my life, the California Golden Bear football team. They got a lot of nerve to lambaste me and my players like that, so now this harden old man is going to go in there and show these dipshits who is boss and whip them into shape so that they stop slacking off out there.

I read their little “preview” of USC, and all I have to say is one word, “GARBAGE!” Where was the hustle in that post huh? It wasn’t even a full page long, you lazy assholes. When Jeff Tedford does something, he gives it One Thousand and Fifty Percent, you got that? No weak one liners here, no siree. Every word, joke, and image is earned, you lawn napping gordos! Drop and give me fifty, son.

Looks around and realizes there’s no one near his computer.

Goddamnit! There’s no fight left in anyone around here. I guess I’ll have to lead by example.

Tedford drops to the ground and does 200 pushups with one arm.

See that, you sons of bitches, that’s how a real man gets his work done.

Hey coach, I heard you were doing pushups. I can do some for you too! I’ll do anything to help out the team.

Damnit Longshore, I told you, you’re only allowed to talk to me once you learned how to throw under pressure. Now get back in your cage before I put you into the hole.

Throws a playbook at him.

And while you’re at it, make me 1000 copies of these.

Yes sir!

That’s how you break a person’s spirit! Now lets see, a team preview for Cal, I guess I’ll start by filling out this little questionnaire they want me to fill out.

Team: California Golden Bears
Location: Tedfordville, I mean Berkeley, CA
Colors: Black and Blue (and Gold)
Coach: Football Jesus
Performance Last Year: Deserving of Many Paddlings
Big Headline Coming in This Year: I Taught Riley How To THROW A GODDAMN FOOTBALL AWAY! GODDAMNIT, JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME PISSED OFF!!!!!
Coach Quote: “I like my coffee smooth with decaff, Nate, get it right! No wonder I put you on the bench, you don’t even know how to make a latte.”

See, that’s how you do a college football preview you slobs. I don’t know why they’re doing this though, the only thing people need to know coming into the season is that California is going to dominate, DOMINATE! A Jeff Tedford product would do no less.

What, you’re still here reading this crap? Aren’t you at work, and aren’t you supposed to check all your invoices right now? You lazy son of a bitch! Get started on that, hut hut! It’s time to whip you people on the internet into shape!

Drop and give me fifty.

Super Late Youtube Sundays: Ace of Spades

Fuck Yeah. (The other Ace of Spades would approve)

Kevin Riley Rides Past Longshore as Cal's Starting Quarterback

Yeah? You like that headline? I know you do. Here's another one for ya:

Longshore a Long Shot to Become Cal's Starting Quarterback

If Tedford believes Riley should start, then Riley should start. Sure, he's had some bad games, including the one that cost Cal the #1 ranking since FOREVER, but hey, everyday's a new day right? Just look at what he accomplished in the Armed Forces Bowl. That's the past? Today's a new day you said? Fine, be that way. I'm a Tedhead, I believe in Tedford!!


Anyways, have a great week Cal fans. Football's coming back this weekend!! And the Golden Bears are gonna DINE IN HELL against the Michigan State SPARTANS!!! Muahahahhaha

TPIC College Football Preview: USC Trojans

As the 2008 college football season comes to a near, TPIC has decided to succumb to the pressure and create a fall preview for teams to watch. Actually, just teams from California, because, you know, this is a California blog. We’ll be featuring the schools of the Pac-10, along with some other shitty football teams like San Jose State, just to make ourselves feel better. We lack self confidence, so suck it. Today we got the USC Trojans:

School: University of Southern California
Location: On the thin line between poverty and riches (literally)
Mascot: Trojans (heh heh, Trojan)
Colors: Red and Yellow
Real Colors: White and Green (think about that one for a minute)
Coach: Pete Carroll
Performance Last Year: Won the Rose Bowl 49 – 17 over Illinois. Ron Zook cites this as one of his better bowl performances.
Big Headline Coming Into the Year: The annual will they or won’t they tension of becoming National Champions.

Outlook: USC once again looks like a National Champion contender, mainly on the fact that so much expectation is being lobbied towards Georgia. Naturally, this means Georgia will be fucked over when they go undefeated only to lose to a lowly team like Vanderbilt come mid-season. The concern for most USC fans will be quarterback Mark Sanchez, who is coming off an injury to start the season. They’re also secretly concerned that their starting quarterback job got handed to someone who isn’t white, but of course they’ll never tell you that.

Coach Quote: “Is it human nature that we're going to be complacent? I don't see that in any way, ... As a staff, we've worked harder and longer and recruited more than ever before. Probably the opposite of what you think has happened -- we're more driven then ever.”

TPIC Coach Quote: “This year we have a great chance to win the National Championship, so you assholes better not fuck this up for me, or else I’ll never obtain my dream job of getting back into the NFL and leading my team to a mediocre playoff season.”

Alex Smith Doesn't Believe He Might Not Start This Season

…………………………………………......................................................…………………………………sigh.

How could the Niners even think of benching me? I mean, isn’t a 54.4 passer rating good enough in the NFL these days? Last year, I was slightly above Kellen Clemens in the ratings, man. Give me a break. Imagine if I wasn’t injured and played all 16 games! I would’ve been slightly above Tavaris Jackson, and he’s practically a future Hall of Famer in my book.

Besides, I was just warming up all those years when they Niners were putting their pieces in place for the ultimate team. Now that we have Gore and Willis in the fold, I’m ready to step it up too guys! It’s called rebuilding a team, and there’s no one more ready to build than the Hurricane from Helix, Alex Smith! Gee whiz, I even got my hard hat and hammer ready. And I’m funny too, see. I bet you even Sinbad couldn’t have come up with a funnier joke.

What am I going to do with all these Alex Smith jerseys I bought over at the Sports Chalet? When I walked into the store and the guy asked why Alex Smith was buying a bunch of his own jerseys, I simply answered it was for all these kids in charity. The real reason was because no one was buying them, not even my mom or dad. (Emoticon :-\) But hey, it’s ok, I ended up selling them to this pretty cute girl I met at the Death Cab for Cutie concert I went to recently. I wonder what she ended up doing with them.

I’m probably not her type anyway. She seems like the type to play games with nice guys’ hearts.

God this is so sad, even sadder than when McDreamy dumped Meredith for the sixteenth time. The worse part is that they might replace me with this asshole.

Ay, top of the mornin’ to ya. Name is O’ Sullivan, JT ‘O Sullivan, and bless me Blarney Stone, but it seems that I may be the right man for this football job. Throw a pass faster down than Saint Peter himself, that I can. I was so excited that I was able to get to the job that I called my cousin, Thomas O’ Leary Fitzpatrick McCallahan O’ Toole McMillian, yes I did! Why, when I’m done with this season, why I’ll have San Francisco be seein’ a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Yipee!!!

Seriously, what the fuck San Francisco? This guy? This guy?!?! Don’t you want a homegrown AMERICAN boy with a name like Alex Smith! Oh yeah, I forgot, you guys are from San Francisco, you freedom haters.

(Puts on a Daphne Loves Derby record)

Mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn……………..

World War III - USA vs. China

Ever since the Olympics started, there's been a constant back-and-forth clash between the US of A and China in the medal counter standings. Currently, I believe, USA has the overall medal count lead, but China has a lot more gold medals.


The next leading country for the overall medal count or gold medals are pretty much irrelevant. But some events that happened over the past couple days have created A LOT of tension between these 2 powerhouse countries. Well, at least I'm creating a tension if there isn't one.


First, the US women's gymnasts were screwed straight up their asses! Alicia Sacramone had a pretty decent routine in her individual event, but was screwed over by a couple of Chinese gymnasts, or the judges since they were in the land of the Great Wall. Seeing that girl teary eyed you can't help but feel sorry for her. And she DESERVED a damn medal!

Then, Nastia Liukin was f*cked by a couple Chinese gymnasts, or judges, same difference as well in her individual event. TIE SCORE MY ASS!! Her routine was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than the Chinese girl who may or may not be 16. And what kind of secret tie-breaker system do they have? China = host country = gold medal? BULLSHIT!

Ok, ok, enough of gymnastics. It's pretty much over anyways. Let's move on to the international baseball diamond where USA played China.


What a game! Chinese pitchers drilled 5 USA players, while US pitchers beaned 2 Chinese hitters. But, 2 USA players bulldozered 2 Chinese catchers, which was TOTALLY AWESOME!! That's a classic stank eye up there by none other than the San Francisco Giants' minor league player Nate Schierholtz, who will most likely be called up to the majors when he comes back. However, priced Cleveland Indian prospect Matt LaPorta, who they got from the C.C. Sabathia trade, was hit on the head, suffering a mild concussion. Watch this video highlight to see this crazy incident: Fight Night Round 1: USA vs. China

What's my take on this shenanigan? Well, what is China doing on the baseball field anyways? Stick with ping pong or badminton, or just swimming and diving, because that's what they're good at. Or even the gymnastics, because apparently they can't lose even if they sucked. Then I found out that the host country gets automatically entered no matter how sucky they are. Talk about homefield advantage. Oh well, since they're getting rid of baseball in the Olympics probably starting in London, what a way to show the world that baseball is AMERICA's past time.


My advice to China: just give up now. There's no point in trying anymore. You're no match against the USA. Gymnastics and Diving competition is almost over. You're not good in anything else. You may get a couple more medals here and there, but IT'S OVER! Starting with the "Redeem Team", USA will blow the world away with more and more medals. The competition is OVER!

Peace. We don't want no WWIII.

Rick Neuheisel: "Nothing Has Changed, Muhahaha!"

Muahahaha suckers, you’ve all fell right into my plan! Back in the 90’s I was pretty much the epitome of sleazy college coaching. My players ran loose in Washington, and I never gave a shit. Look at Jeremy Stevens.

But now, after so many years and returning to LA, I got all you mainstream media assholes thinking that Slick Rick has changed. All I have to say about that is this, suck it losers, you all fell right into my hands.

People think that I’m a new man, that I’ve matured, that I’m ready to teach these kids some manners. Ha! The only thing that has matured is my hunger for some partayyyyying. That’s why they brought in that Norm Chow fella, for damage control. You hear that internet? Nothing’s changed, I’m still the same grade A asshole-oncho I was before. Someone throw me a beer!

(Rick shot guns a Bud Light)

See that kids? That’s how you down a cold one, not look all you pussies sipping it and enjoying the taste. What’s up with beer commercials today anyway? How come there are all these bozos dressing up like those Queer Eye yokels slowly drinking a Miller Light like they’re at some damned hoity toity wine ball? Give me a break. That’s not how you drink beer like a man; this is how you do it. Give me another one!

(Someone tosses Rick a malt beer. He rips open the top half of the can with his hands, drinks the rest, spikes the can, then pulls out a pistol and shoots it.)

See that, all you manginas? That’s how you do it. All you nerdos on the internet wish you could be a one millionth of me. Even if you could though, none of you could handle it, your brains would explode and I’d be there to get wasted on the remnants to celebrate my awesomeness.

There’s a new sheriff in town, and his name is Rick.

NOT SO FAST!!!! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE DOUCHEBAG ON THIS BLOG!!!

What the hell? Who said that? Whose there? Whose there? God?

EVEN BETTER….

I’m back, bitches. Someone give me a high five.

Youtube Sundays: Lex Luger vs Shirt

For the record, I think all of us can afford to pay Lex Luger to wrestle around. Five bucks isn't that much money anymore, you Billy-what's-his-name.

Olympic Strawberries from California

In the spirit of the Olympics, I tried to find some newsworthy stories to tell the world, and I came up with strawberries.

That's right, folks! The Golden State is proud to provide the entire Olympic world with fresh strawberries straight from the sunny sided riped fields of Californ-I-A. Read this article for more info.


If this is the kind of healthy fruity diets our athletes want, then DAMN IT! this is what we're giving them. With athletes like these, I'd give them anything they want!


Therefore, as a Californian, I'm proud to be able to supply these ladies the strawberries they need to keep doing what they're doing. And once you get those juicy strawberries, feel free to do whatever you want with them. We don't mind here in California. We've got plenty to spare. You know what, don't let the Olympics stress you out. We all know you're trying your hardest. Go have some fun with the strawberries.


In the words of our Governator Arnold Schwarzeneggar, "Be Californian, Buy Californian Grown."

P.S. Manny Ramirez cut his dreads so now they're an inch shorter, whoopty-doo.

Nate Longshore is Here to Win You Cal Fans Back

Hear those footsteps sneaking up behind you? That’s me Cal fans, good old Nate Longshore ready to storm in with another year of awesomeness.

BOOOO!!!!!!!

Hey hey, I know some of you out there have lost faith in good old Nasty Nate, but let me assure you that I’ve been practicing my stuff this year. After all, I was a former Elite 11 quarterback. Do you know what that means Cal? It means I was one of the top 11 quarterbacks in the nation coming out of high school. Of course you know what that means, you guys are Cal fans! Get it? Wasn’t that a great joke?

BOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEARN COMEDIC TIMING, ASSHOLE!!!!

Okay, so I know some of you have doubt in my ability, but look at this, ESPN features a whole article detailing my road to redemption. They said I could even win my job back from Kevin “I Don’t Know How To Throw Away The Ball” Riley! Isn’t that swell?

BOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BETTER THAN THE NICKNAME NATE WRONGSHORE!!!!

Man, I don’t get you people. What does it take to get people in Berkeley to like you? Do I have to crawl on my knees and ask for forgiveness?? What the hell do you people want from me? What do you people like?

Obama!!!!

Asians!!!

MATLOCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmm okay okay okay, if that’s what you people want, that’s what you people get. I’m going to be the most liberal, Matlock watching, Obama supporting, Asian American Association joining quarterback this side of the Pac-10. I’m willing to sacrifice all of this, because I care about you Cal fans! Go Bears!!!!

Game day against Michigan State, 4th Quarter, Cal leads 52-10, with Longshore throwing for 7 TDS and no INTS

There, I’ve done it, we beat Michigan State! Not only that, but these fans love me! Listen to that crowd:

LONGSHORE! LONGSHORE! LONGSHORE!

Yes, redemption at last, redemption at last! Now, it’s time to just go out there and run the clock out.

Longshore takes the snap and fumbles the ball. Michigan State recovers.

Aww man! Oh well, I mean we’re up by 42 points, and it was just one small hiccup. I’m sure these Cal fans will still support me.


BOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU FUCKING SUCK LONGSHORE! PUT IN RILEY!!!

Man, I fucking hate this school.

The Uber American Guide to the Olympics

Now that it’s been almost a week since the Olympics has started, and it’s also been about a week since something new has been updated on this site, I decided to lay this patriotic smackdown on the waves of the internet.

We all know that being in a foreign country means that Americans can go over and act as “American” as they want, meaning a bunch of stars and straps and over the top drunken obnoxiousness. China should be no different. Yet, what should the Chinese (and other countries) have to look forward to in the remaining week and a half of Olympic glory? Why, all that is U-S- of A!

What symbols or actions best portray what it means to be American during the Olympics?

Stars and Stripes / Uncle Sam

Nothing screams American more than Uncle Sam. He’s surly, he’s disgruntled about his country, and he’s ready to go into battle without asking questions or having any relevant facts. He’s basically a Democrat and a Republican rolled into one!

Complaining About Things That They Were Fine With Earlier

As an American, it’s your job to be pissed off and angry at just about things that you enjoyed until you learned “the truth.” I love those fireworks during the Opening Ceremonies! Wait, what, they were CGI? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE. That little girl was so cute as she sang that song Friday night. Wait, that wasn’t her? I BLAME AMERICA FOR FORCING OUR SHALLOW AND MATERIALISTIC WAYS ON THE CHINESE! The Spanish Basketball Team is awesome! Wait, they’re racists?! THIS IS ALL BUSH’S FAULT.

Jennie Finch

Because she’s hot. That’s all that matters.

Michael Phelps

Because he’s a hot swimmer, or so I’ve heard. To the ladies, that’s all that matters.

Wasteful Spending

Did you know media coverage has spent $412,000 dollars on coverage? Do you know why? Um… I’m not sure really. Because it’s worth it? I mean surely everyone wants to watch badminton coverage, right?

This You Tube video (Lot's of F'Bombs, maybe NSFW):

Fuck Yeah.

And most the most important standard of how to act American during the Olympics:

Pretending to care about something that you never really cared about until people make a big deal over it.

Occasionally Off Topic Fridays: TV Shows I HATE But Other People LOVE

Being that this is a blog and that lately I’ve found writing about sports can be rather redundant (I mean seriously, how many times can I pretend to be someone who hates Brett Favre), I decided to make this post as one of many other posts in the future that will not necessarily reflect the world of sports. Instead, I’m going to make it a free forum once in a while for me to just point out some observations I have about the world general. Don’t worry, I’m not hear to comment or bitch about global warming, the Presidential Election, or shove my political slant down your throats. Coming from California, I’m sure you hear that enough on a daily basis. No no, I’m just here to spread some insight on simpler things, like television, movies, or generally funny things that happen to people in America, like this guy. I’ll leave all that political hot air for CNN or your pseudo liberal friends to bitch about.

Don’t worry though, this is a once in a while kind of thing. With the Olympics kicking off today and the NFL coming around, there will be plenty things to cover.

For my first off topic – topic, I decided to tackle on a very serious, life altering, world shattering issue: What the hell do people take away from these TV shows? Let’s face it, there’s a lot of crap on TV these days (A Shot of Love With Tila Tequilla? Seriously?). However, there is usually a pretty clear line between what is bad TV and what isn’t. I Love Money? Bad TV. The Office? Good TV. There’s nothing wrong with bad TV though, sometimes its pretty fun to watch. I personally really like watching I Love Money because it’s so horribly bad (Watching Mr. Boston cry was especially hilarious). It’s like watching a really stupid comedy. You acknowledge it’s just for laughs and you don’t take it seriously.

However, there are a few shows which people regard as “Good TV” but in the end, the show really adds no value to society but is often praised like it is. These shows are by no means bad TV, they are actually for the most part well written and deserve the critical acclaim that they have. The problem with these shows is that they get worshipped way to much. No show should be adored the way these shows are. Also, they seem to be detrimental to my generation in various ways. See for yourself:

Family Guy

You would think that from a person that litters their blog entries with debauchery that I would love Family Guy. Ha! I got you there. The problem with Family Guy is that it’s lazy. I could write Family Guy. South Park got it best when it depicted their writers making their jokes from topic picking manatees. All you need to do is take a clichéd story that has already been done on The Simpsons and sprinkle a bunch of non-sensical jokes here and there, jokes that have nothing to do with the story, and presto, you have a new Family Guy episode. “Oh it’s funny because they made a joke about a person revealing themselves to be a horse, I didn’t see that coming!” Wow, that’s genius, I guess? Family Guy is funny sometimes, but I just get annoyed that it gets all this credit for getting away with something that would look completely retarded if it was done by someone else.

Entourage

I’m pretty sure that this is how the creation process for this show came about:

“Hey let’s make a show about a bunch of douchebags, hmm, how are we going to make it marketable?”

“Um, I know! Let’s just make them rich and famous. Then everyone will think that they’re glamorous and want to imitate that lifestyle.”

“Brilliant.”

Every guy wants to be like the guys in Entourage, which means that there’ll just be more assholes with a self inflated ego roaming around the clubs. At least on the show they’re famous and rich, not a lowly entry employee at PWC or Google who thinks they are the tits. Shit.

Friends

Before I say anything I want to make this clear: I actually like watching Friends. I think it’s pretty funny. That aside, the reason this show is so irritating is how other people my age worship this show. I think it’s funny, but it’s no Seinfeld. I know people who have the boxed set, trivia game, and DVD Scene it. People love to compare themselves to the friends too, but why? Phoebe and Joey are kind of cool, maybe even Monica and Chandler, but Ross and Rachel? Throughout the whole run, Rachel is just kind of a whiner and a drama queen. And Ross? How the hell did this guy get married 3 times? Seriously, I want to know, because the guy is a total tool. That’s totally more unrealistic than anything that ever happens on 24 or Lost.

Sex and the City

Ahhh, now this is a show I truly hate. The show is supposed to be a comedy, but I watched a few episodes and I don’t think I laughed at any single joke. It wasn’t because the jokes were crude or raunchy, I don’t mind that at all. It’s just that they weren’t funny, they weren’t funny yet people think it’s so witty! What. The. Hell. Like Samantha saying something like this while firemen enter a burning building:

“Hello, 911, I’m on fire!”

Oh yeah fire fighters, forget all those people who are about to die so that you can check out this 40 something year old. I’m sure this shallow skank is much more important than those people waiting for you to rescue. I also love that pun on words! I get it, it’s because they’re fire fighters and she used the word fire to show off how hot she is! Oh! Wow, that one is a real knee slapper. Give me a break.

I guess this show wouldn’t be that bad if it weren’t for the millions of women who love it. The show supposedly oozes feminism because all the ladies have successful careers. I think that’s great, but the show also implies that to be a successful career woman means you have to live like them. I’m not sure how feministic it is if your gender is portrayed as home wrecking, materialistic, shallow, and very very loose.

Some people will tell you that this show offers great insight into how the relationships world works, post college. It seems that the basic lesson to be learned is men and women cheat on each other, relationships can be complicated, and love may or may not be out there. Wow. Ground breaking! I had no idea such problems existed in the world of adults, it’s so edgy! If people have to take lessons from an unfunny primetime show made for HBO, then I might as well punch my self in the face so I can lose some brain cells and be at an even level with the rest of the human race. Like my main point has been, it is a comedy show, which means it shouldn’t be taken too seriously, much like how this blog shouldn’t be taken too seriously.

There are many negatives I see about this show, MANY. Basically they’re all covered by Shelton Hull's article: Modern Woman as Love Machine: The Post-Feminist Landscape, as Projected by 'Sex and the City'. Yet despite all the negatives I see, people still love this show. The main argument I always here about why I’m wrong in my judgment is because I’m a guy, and guys just won’t “get it.” I guess this is true, but I don’t really see what there is to get.

Just as Entourage has inspired a generation of men to become a generation of douchebags, this show is inspiring a generation of women to become a generation of tramps.

So there you go. I could literally go on and on and on about why I hate these shows, and I invite you the reader to try to argue why I’m wrong or list some shows that you hate yourself. And to you neigh-sayers, all I have to say is: BRING IT, HATERS!

And if you’re wondering what shows I do like to watch, well here’s a quick list: Lost, The Office, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, South Park, and Cold Pizza. Skip Bayless and Stephen A Smith are the greatest comedy duo EVAR!

Fuc the Bucs, Brett Rhymes with Jet

Final post about Brett Favre, and final message to Jeff Garcia:

TADAAAAAA!!!

Jeff Garcia, good old buddy, and the entire NFL....

FUC THE BUCS BECAUSE BRETT WILL BE A JET!!

P.S. Jeff, we never would have been gym buddies, I work solo:


- Yours truly, for one last time, Brett "I'm Incredible" Favre

A Letter From Jeff Garcia to Brett Favre

Hey Brett, how are you, you silly goose!

Me, I’m super, thanks for asking!

I just wanted to say congrats on coming out of retirement. The will he or won’t he tension really made me tune in. I even had to skip my usual sessions of Sex and the City with Carmella to keep track of all the drama that was going on in Green Bay. I LOVE SEX AND THE CITY, don’t you? I mean, don’t you just find that Samantha is so bold and glamorous? She’s an absolute devil!

Anyway, because of you, I’ve been watching a lot of ESPN. I NEVER watch ESPN either, unless one of those body building shows is on. That or Scott Van Pelt. He’s so cute, like in a Woody Allen kind of way.

Oops, I mean, uh, he’s not sexy. Um, that female sportscaster that everyone talks about is really sexy. Who’s the girl all the guys dig again? Um, Dana Jacobson? Oh, no, that’s not her. Oh, Erin Andrews. Yeah she’s really, um, hot, and um, hot? Yeah. I totally like her, because you know, I’m really into the lady folk and all. In fact, I think me and Carmella are going to have sexual intercourse today because that’s what husbands and wives do, right?

Anyway, enough about me, let’s talk about you. I hear that you’re going to be traded to Tampa Bay. You silly buns, don’t you know that’s where I play? I don’t think you’ll really like it here, Brett. I mean it’s always sunny and hot, there are too many strip clubs, and all these scantily clad women walk around everywhere. Who likes that?

Though, if you did come down to Tampa, it’d be kind of cool to have a new gym buddy. Chris is cool, but when we go to the gym, all the guys girls always check him out. I don’t get it, who likes blondes these days anyway?

Don’t they know I’m the total package!

You should totally go to San Francisco instead. On a personal note, San Francisco was always my favorite place to play. It’s really my kind of town *wink* *wink*

Anyways, gotta run. Carmella and I are going to go purse shopping now. For her only, of course. Talk to ya soon big boy.

XOXOXO
Jeff Garcia

I know that yesterday we promised to not cover the Brett Favre story anymore, but this was too good to resist.

Guess Green Bay Got the Message

Too bad, I enjoyed all the craptacular-ness this whole circus had to offer. Guess I'll have to wait until Joe Montana unretires in order to save the Niners from this menace:

Brett Favre Is Back, In Other News A Piece of My Soul Dies

"Yeah, uh, strike that."

I have to admit, at the beginning of last year, I was a pretty big Brett Favre supporter. I used to consider Brett one of the top five quarterbacks in the history of the game. When my friends would call me crazy for making such a ridiculous statement, I would point out the stats, the touchdowns, and of course, NOT point out the high interception rate or losing to Michael Vick in the playoffs. I realize that I was pretty delusional about things back then, but hey, I’m a Chiefs fan. Seeing the truth (or the fact that Kansas City is totally going to suck) isn’t really one of our strongest points.

Thus, when the news of Brett’s glorious return to Wisconsin arrived this morning, you would think I would be elated that he has come back to challenge Aaron Rodgers, considering how much I joke at Aaron’s expense. Well to all those people who are wondering what I’m going to say, here it is: fuck you Brett Favre. That’s right, you heard it, fuck you. Fuck you and your drug riddled coming back to Green Bay, aka the Land of Cheese, aka the Land of Idiots so that once again you can play your heart out while simultaneously leading the league in interceptions, maybe just a little bit ahead of Rex Grossman.

Even worse, you had to arrive in the most obnoxious way ever, with screaming, fat, non deodorant using fans chanting your name while you slowly get out of your jet and wave to them like an asshole. The way you came off reminded me of that one Backstreet Boys music video where they’re prancing around the airport after hundreds of fans greet them. Your arrival and their arrival had so much in common, jerks getting off airplanes, media attention, and most of all, mindless groupies who would be ready to bum rush you and rip your clothes off if they were given the chance. Yeah, your ceremony was pretty much like that video, only your entrance was much gayer.

Why the hell did you even retire in the first place? Oh, maybe it’s because you felt you didn’t have enough of the media covering you already. Yeah, I mean I’m SURE ESPN wasn’t flashing their cameras at you when you broke the all time touchdown record, and I’m sure that there were no reporters when your team clinched the NFC North, and I’m sure that Chris Berman or Peter King wasn’t their ready to fellate you when you finally call it quits, and I’m absolutely one hundred percent sure every single website wasn’t compiling stories about you even though technically your career was “over.” Yeah, Brett, you sure have been rather quiet lately, I guess it’s a good thing that now anything even related to the NFL will probably be about you. Fantastic, asshole.

You know what’s the only thing that no one covered that SHOULD have been covered about Brett Favre? His interception record, which is a damn shame, because that record says way more about Brett than his touchdown record ever will.

"Remember me, Brett?"

So now what happens? Well, Green Bay has made it quite clear that Brett will have to “compete” with Aaron Rodgers for that starting position. And by compete, what they really mean is that Aaron will superficially be the starter, until he throws an incompletion and Brett Favre steps in to take over while thousands of dumb ass fans in Green Bay give him a standing ovation. Then he’ll throw five picks, but the minute Aaron Rodgers begins to warm up to get back in, John Madden will start stating how Rodgers still “isn’t ready.” Give me a break.

We feel for you Aaron, we really do. As former Cal alumni, we’ll be cheering for you, no matter how much you suck. Hey, maybe you should come over to Kansas City instead and play for them! Then you can lead the Chiefs to a Super Bowl and show those cheese eaters what they’re missing. Oh man, I really am delusional now.

Youtube Late Sundays: Watchmen Trailer

Yeah this is a little late, but whatever. Suck it. (Cue the DEGENERATION-X Music)

Let Michelle Wie Be A Man

This is my petition to back Michelle Wie playing for the PGA and telling the LPGA to get off Wie's ass!!


Look at this young, pretty, innocent girl! If she wants to play golf with the boys, let her!

First off, how do you expect her to play on the LPGA if they didn't even list her on their player rosters or whatever. She should've been smack between Erika Wicoff and Leah Wigger, but no she's not. Whoever those 2 even are--Wicoff is retired and Wigger is a....n (don't wanna make a joke and offend anyone here haha) newbie--Michelle Wie can single-handedly beat them on the course blindfolded with 1 arm tied behind her back sitting on a wheelchair.


Wie is a Stanford student, so she is one smart cookie. She knows what's up and she knows what she wants to do. All these other ladies complaining, I'm talking about Annika Sorenstam who went to Arizona, SHUT THE HELL UP! Just because the Wildcats sucked during the NCAA Tournament doesn't mean that you should take it out on Michelle "Stanford Sweet 16 Cardinal" Wie!!


Michelle Wie is dating a person named Robin, who has long hair and sits on the bench crying all day. Wie is an electrifying focused professional golfer. I think we know who the REAL man in this relationship is, so why not let Wie play with the real men?


Just look at the intensity and focus. You don't see too many women doing that these days. Every weekend when I turn to the Golf Channel this look is what I see on all the men. Tiger knows what I'm talking about. In fact, Wie should be on the cover of her own golf video game, or at least on the cover of TIGER WOODS PGA TOUR 2009: FEATURING MICHELLE WIE. That game would be a classic. I'd stand in line for 2 days just to be the first to buy it.


Also, we must all remember that Michelle Wie is really young. She is just 18 freaking years old!! She's still going through puberty. Let her have some fun. Let her find herself. Take a chill pill lady golfers.


Maybe her thing isn't really golf. Maybe she should be on America's Best Dance Crew, or So You Think You Can Dance, or even Dancing with the Stars.

So my advice to the LPGA committee and ladies is to give Michelle Wie time to develop, puberty's a tough time. Things start popping out of nowhere. Just let her grow up. She could become one of the tallest female golfers EVER, and if that's doing it with the big fellas, let it be.

Just let it be. You don't want to see a little angry Korean girl.


You don't even want to mess with that. You don't know what she's capable of. Speaking to all the naysayers about Wie, if I were you, I would step back and let Michelle Wie do her thing, because an angry little Korean girl is the equivalent of a ghetto fabulistic Michelle Wie you DO NOT want a piece of.


Michelle Wie, go do what you do best. Go do whatever you want. We LOVE you here at TPIC. We support you 110%. We'll always be here for you. Robin will be far away, but we won't. We'll always do our best to give you a hand, and you can always lean on us for whatever reason.

P.S. You are one hot man XOXO

Manny Ramirez Goes To Hollywood

What can I say? What can YOU say, Manny? There's nothing to say, just an actual star going to Hollywood, besides Mark Texeira making the same trip the week before. But Manny, YOU deserve to be in Hollywood!! I mean, is this the kind of driver's license you want your whole life?


Boooooooooooooooooring!! You don't need to take any more of that Boston shit anymore. You have to admit, the CLAM CHOWDER was soooooo awesome, but it's time for a change. After 8 Mannyific years with the Red Sox and finally giving them a couple World Series titles, you STILL wasn't appreciated. Maybe you should've went to the Cubs and gave them a couple World Series first, but LA is cool. The fans and celebrities will LOVE you, especially Alyssa Milano.


Exactly. I'd pick her over Matt Damon any day of the week.


But Manny being Manny, he's got 1 pretty hot wife too, which works perfectly for HollyHOOD!!!


And since it's Hollywood, you gotta have some fun as well:


Geeeeeeez, how stereotypical...I was just talking about some video game fun by making your own Mii character:


Yup, that's right! Good ol' Manny is a happy family man:


Amen to that. In conclusion, Manny, LA, Hollywood, whatever...It's a new episode, so just be yourself! ::THUMBS UP::



Now, wouldn't it be great if Manny Ramirez was REALLY traded for Brett Favre, straight up?