Getting Pumped Up For Cal Football 2008 By Remembering Cal Football 2007

As the college football season nears closer and closer this Thursday when Wake Forest takes on Baylor, I must say that I am looking VERY forward to this years’ games. After all, I had to sit through a whole off season without football, and there weren’t even any Pacman Jones stories to keep me entertained during this dry spell (I mean, c’mon Adam, pick up the pace). That being said, as a Cal fan, I realize the futility of having any enthusiasm towards this year because, let’s face it, we have no expectations really. No preseason rank, no Rose Bowl aspirations, we might as well call Kyle Boller back to see if he’s tired of being a sack dummy for James Harrison in Baltimore.

However, all Cal fans can agree that the one thing we are looking forward to is improvement. Last year was abysmal. We had our expectations set so high and had a glimpse of the National Title until the shit hit the fan and it all came down on us like poop from a Dave Mathews Band tour bus. With one horrible decision, our season never felt the same. It was a loss for the ages.

It was all quite memorable though, and luckily I was a season ticket holder to see it all fold out upon my two eyes. Thus, as a special bonus preview to this year, I’m going to run by my thoughts and emotions from last year in order to pump up Cal fans and make them realize this simple statement “Fuck. That. Shit. We’re going to erase last year’s train wreck into oblivion.”

(By the way, for all of you who complain that we cover Cal too much, suck it. If you want to write about another school, feel free to drop a line and notify me that you want to contribute. Does anyone really care about UCLA football anyway?)

Game 1: Tennessee vs. Cal
The kickoff to the season, and it was awesome. It was a hot day, but who the hell cares? I myself was skeptical going into the season about the hype, but this game changed my mind. It made me a believer. I should’ve known better.

Game 2 - 4: Cal vs. Colorado State/LA Tech/Arizona
Three wins in a row to somewhat unworthy opponents. The Colorado State game was a little too close to comfort for me (we only won by 6), but a win is a win. Also the first time I saw non Berkeley residents interact with the tree people. At that point in the protest, the fences were up, and people from Arizona were taking pictures of the spectacle. It was like I was at a zoo, no joke. In fact, I even overheard some people pointing and saying “look at that one there honey!” The kicker would’ve been if some of the onlookers started throwing peanuts at them. Then again, if that happened, one of the tree people might have jumped the fences and mauled someone. Then the police would have no choice but to take lethal action, causing the tree protesters to protest violence against tree protesters. Ah, it comes full circle.

Game 5: Cal vs. Oregon
I was at home when watching this game, and trust me it was great. You should know too, you probably saw it. DeSean Jackson was on fire that game, making you wonder where the hell he was the rest of the season.

Game 6: Cal vs. Oregon State
Ahhh, the game that changed it all. I remember how cocky a lot of us Cal fans were during the game, especially after hearing that #1 LSU had fallen to Kentucky. There were already chants of “We’re number #1!” Yeah, uh, we kind of have to win the game first. But no sweat, I mean we were up by 7 and Riley actually looked good during the game. Seems like it was no big deal our back up was in there, I guess we are going to be number 1!

Shit.

Game 7: Cal vs. UCLA
Well, it’s back to business again boys. One loss cannot be such a setback. We still have our eye on the Rose Bowl prize and Longshore is back in the game as a starter. Time to show these SoCal Wussbags how it’s done.

Double shit. The one bright spot is that this loss lead to the creation of this blog.

Game 8 – Whatever: Cal vs. the rest of the Pac-10, skeptics, disappointed fans, the world
Then there was the rest of the season and we all know how that went. We got to enjoy our yearly ass whooping by USC, an embarrassing loss to Washington, and ugh, no more axe. Meanwhile, most of the Cal student body switches from weed to alcohol. Ahh, who am I kidding, they’re still high as Ricky Williams on Arbor Day.

Armed Forces Bowl: Cal vs. Air Force
Ending the season with a bang. Riley comes in and saves the day. Meanwhile Longshore slowly establishes his legacy as the man slightly better than Joe Ayoob. What an accomplishment.


Wow, wasn’t that shitty? Well let’s hope it doesn’t happen again (who am I kidding). Go Bears!

TPIC College Football Preview: UCLA Bruins With Rick and Norm

Ughhhh……. I have no idea where I am right now. What happened last night?

Oh, that’s right, I took down all those beers like a mother fuckin’ champion!! That’s right! Who wants some of Slick Rick? You with the tie? Or how about with the polo shirt on. Yeah, you would like to take down the champ huh, you pussy. Um, hold on one second.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

Ugh, that’s better. Anyway, what’s this I have to fill out? Some kind of team preview? Team name, mascot, outlook on this year… shit, I don’t know any of the answers to these questions. I gotta get Norm in here. Norm? NORM! Where are you, I need your jiggly little ass to come down to my office immediately.

Norm Chow: You called Rick?

Rick: You damn right I called. Seems like I need to answer these questions for some geeks who own this blog up north, and since I haven’t really done any research or preparation or any of that goody twoshoe shit that you’ve been doing, I need some help answering these brain busters. You up for the task.

Norm Chow: Yes, I’m ready to answer, please proceed with the questions.

Rick: What’s our team name and mascot?

Norm Chow: UCLA Bruins

Rick: Key returnees?

Norm Chow: Ben Olson, though he is injured.

Rick: Really? When did this happen?

Norm Chow: During a scrimmage practice. You should know, you were there.

Rick: Oh, I must’ve been totally wasted during that scrimmage, but that’s the only way to watch practice goin’ on, am I right? Am I right?

Norm Chow: Um, whatever you say sir.

Rick: Outlook on…. ahh screw this horseshit. I don’t got time for this malarkey, I got partying to do. Say, by the way Norm, did you watch the Olympics? I figured you would’ve flown to China and visited your home village or something.


Norm Chow: Actually, I’m from Hawaii

Rick: Silly oriental! Chinamen ain’t from Hawaii, Chinamen are from China. I thought all you Asians were supposed to be good at math and history and all that fancy smart boy stuff.

Norm Chow: I’m going to go now.

Rick: Hey, could you get me a six pack on your way out??

Be prepared for the next college preview, because a special friend is coming back to grace the pages of TPIC…

The TPIC College Football Preview: Cal Golden Bears With Starring Jeff Tedford

Listen up turd nuggets, when The Play in California asked me to make a special guest appearance on their so called blog, I told them I don’t know what a blog is. Then I hopped on this internet thing and read all the filth and garbage this website has been spewing concerning the pride and glory of my life, the California Golden Bear football team. They got a lot of nerve to lambaste me and my players like that, so now this harden old man is going to go in there and show these dipshits who is boss and whip them into shape so that they stop slacking off out there.

I read their little “preview” of USC, and all I have to say is one word, “GARBAGE!” Where was the hustle in that post huh? It wasn’t even a full page long, you lazy assholes. When Jeff Tedford does something, he gives it One Thousand and Fifty Percent, you got that? No weak one liners here, no siree. Every word, joke, and image is earned, you lawn napping gordos! Drop and give me fifty, son.

Looks around and realizes there’s no one near his computer.

Goddamnit! There’s no fight left in anyone around here. I guess I’ll have to lead by example.

Tedford drops to the ground and does 200 pushups with one arm.

See that, you sons of bitches, that’s how a real man gets his work done.

Hey coach, I heard you were doing pushups. I can do some for you too! I’ll do anything to help out the team.

Damnit Longshore, I told you, you’re only allowed to talk to me once you learned how to throw under pressure. Now get back in your cage before I put you into the hole.

Throws a playbook at him.

And while you’re at it, make me 1000 copies of these.

Yes sir!

That’s how you break a person’s spirit! Now lets see, a team preview for Cal, I guess I’ll start by filling out this little questionnaire they want me to fill out.

Team: California Golden Bears
Location: Tedfordville, I mean Berkeley, CA
Colors: Black and Blue (and Gold)
Coach: Football Jesus
Performance Last Year: Deserving of Many Paddlings
Big Headline Coming in This Year: I Taught Riley How To THROW A GODDAMN FOOTBALL AWAY! GODDAMNIT, JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME PISSED OFF!!!!!
Coach Quote: “I like my coffee smooth with decaff, Nate, get it right! No wonder I put you on the bench, you don’t even know how to make a latte.”

See, that’s how you do a college football preview you slobs. I don’t know why they’re doing this though, the only thing people need to know coming into the season is that California is going to dominate, DOMINATE! A Jeff Tedford product would do no less.

What, you’re still here reading this crap? Aren’t you at work, and aren’t you supposed to check all your invoices right now? You lazy son of a bitch! Get started on that, hut hut! It’s time to whip you people on the internet into shape!

Drop and give me fifty.

Super Late Youtube Sundays: Ace of Spades

Fuck Yeah. (The other Ace of Spades would approve)

Kevin Riley Rides Past Longshore as Cal's Starting Quarterback

Yeah? You like that headline? I know you do. Here's another one for ya:

Longshore a Long Shot to Become Cal's Starting Quarterback

If Tedford believes Riley should start, then Riley should start. Sure, he's had some bad games, including the one that cost Cal the #1 ranking since FOREVER, but hey, everyday's a new day right? Just look at what he accomplished in the Armed Forces Bowl. That's the past? Today's a new day you said? Fine, be that way. I'm a Tedhead, I believe in Tedford!!


Anyways, have a great week Cal fans. Football's coming back this weekend!! And the Golden Bears are gonna DINE IN HELL against the Michigan State SPARTANS!!! Muahahahhaha

TPIC College Football Preview: USC Trojans

As the 2008 college football season comes to a near, TPIC has decided to succumb to the pressure and create a fall preview for teams to watch. Actually, just teams from California, because, you know, this is a California blog. We’ll be featuring the schools of the Pac-10, along with some other shitty football teams like San Jose State, just to make ourselves feel better. We lack self confidence, so suck it. Today we got the USC Trojans:

School: University of Southern California
Location: On the thin line between poverty and riches (literally)
Mascot: Trojans (heh heh, Trojan)
Colors: Red and Yellow
Real Colors: White and Green (think about that one for a minute)
Coach: Pete Carroll
Performance Last Year: Won the Rose Bowl 49 – 17 over Illinois. Ron Zook cites this as one of his better bowl performances.
Big Headline Coming Into the Year: The annual will they or won’t they tension of becoming National Champions.

Outlook: USC once again looks like a National Champion contender, mainly on the fact that so much expectation is being lobbied towards Georgia. Naturally, this means Georgia will be fucked over when they go undefeated only to lose to a lowly team like Vanderbilt come mid-season. The concern for most USC fans will be quarterback Mark Sanchez, who is coming off an injury to start the season. They’re also secretly concerned that their starting quarterback job got handed to someone who isn’t white, but of course they’ll never tell you that.

Coach Quote: “Is it human nature that we're going to be complacent? I don't see that in any way, ... As a staff, we've worked harder and longer and recruited more than ever before. Probably the opposite of what you think has happened -- we're more driven then ever.”

TPIC Coach Quote: “This year we have a great chance to win the National Championship, so you assholes better not fuck this up for me, or else I’ll never obtain my dream job of getting back into the NFL and leading my team to a mediocre playoff season.”

Alex Smith Doesn't Believe He Might Not Start This Season

…………………………………………......................................................…………………………………sigh.

How could the Niners even think of benching me? I mean, isn’t a 54.4 passer rating good enough in the NFL these days? Last year, I was slightly above Kellen Clemens in the ratings, man. Give me a break. Imagine if I wasn’t injured and played all 16 games! I would’ve been slightly above Tavaris Jackson, and he’s practically a future Hall of Famer in my book.

Besides, I was just warming up all those years when they Niners were putting their pieces in place for the ultimate team. Now that we have Gore and Willis in the fold, I’m ready to step it up too guys! It’s called rebuilding a team, and there’s no one more ready to build than the Hurricane from Helix, Alex Smith! Gee whiz, I even got my hard hat and hammer ready. And I’m funny too, see. I bet you even Sinbad couldn’t have come up with a funnier joke.

What am I going to do with all these Alex Smith jerseys I bought over at the Sports Chalet? When I walked into the store and the guy asked why Alex Smith was buying a bunch of his own jerseys, I simply answered it was for all these kids in charity. The real reason was because no one was buying them, not even my mom or dad. (Emoticon :-\) But hey, it’s ok, I ended up selling them to this pretty cute girl I met at the Death Cab for Cutie concert I went to recently. I wonder what she ended up doing with them.

I’m probably not her type anyway. She seems like the type to play games with nice guys’ hearts.

God this is so sad, even sadder than when McDreamy dumped Meredith for the sixteenth time. The worse part is that they might replace me with this asshole.

Ay, top of the mornin’ to ya. Name is O’ Sullivan, JT ‘O Sullivan, and bless me Blarney Stone, but it seems that I may be the right man for this football job. Throw a pass faster down than Saint Peter himself, that I can. I was so excited that I was able to get to the job that I called my cousin, Thomas O’ Leary Fitzpatrick McCallahan O’ Toole McMillian, yes I did! Why, when I’m done with this season, why I’ll have San Francisco be seein’ a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Yipee!!!

Seriously, what the fuck San Francisco? This guy? This guy?!?! Don’t you want a homegrown AMERICAN boy with a name like Alex Smith! Oh yeah, I forgot, you guys are from San Francisco, you freedom haters.

(Puts on a Daphne Loves Derby record)

Mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn……………..

World War III - USA vs. China

Ever since the Olympics started, there's been a constant back-and-forth clash between the US of A and China in the medal counter standings. Currently, I believe, USA has the overall medal count lead, but China has a lot more gold medals.


The next leading country for the overall medal count or gold medals are pretty much irrelevant. But some events that happened over the past couple days have created A LOT of tension between these 2 powerhouse countries. Well, at least I'm creating a tension if there isn't one.


First, the US women's gymnasts were screwed straight up their asses! Alicia Sacramone had a pretty decent routine in her individual event, but was screwed over by a couple of Chinese gymnasts, or the judges since they were in the land of the Great Wall. Seeing that girl teary eyed you can't help but feel sorry for her. And she DESERVED a damn medal!

Then, Nastia Liukin was f*cked by a couple Chinese gymnasts, or judges, same difference as well in her individual event. TIE SCORE MY ASS!! Her routine was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than the Chinese girl who may or may not be 16. And what kind of secret tie-breaker system do they have? China = host country = gold medal? BULLSHIT!

Ok, ok, enough of gymnastics. It's pretty much over anyways. Let's move on to the international baseball diamond where USA played China.


What a game! Chinese pitchers drilled 5 USA players, while US pitchers beaned 2 Chinese hitters. But, 2 USA players bulldozered 2 Chinese catchers, which was TOTALLY AWESOME!! That's a classic stank eye up there by none other than the San Francisco Giants' minor league player Nate Schierholtz, who will most likely be called up to the majors when he comes back. However, priced Cleveland Indian prospect Matt LaPorta, who they got from the C.C. Sabathia trade, was hit on the head, suffering a mild concussion. Watch this video highlight to see this crazy incident: Fight Night Round 1: USA vs. China

What's my take on this shenanigan? Well, what is China doing on the baseball field anyways? Stick with ping pong or badminton, or just swimming and diving, because that's what they're good at. Or even the gymnastics, because apparently they can't lose even if they sucked. Then I found out that the host country gets automatically entered no matter how sucky they are. Talk about homefield advantage. Oh well, since they're getting rid of baseball in the Olympics probably starting in London, what a way to show the world that baseball is AMERICA's past time.


My advice to China: just give up now. There's no point in trying anymore. You're no match against the USA. Gymnastics and Diving competition is almost over. You're not good in anything else. You may get a couple more medals here and there, but IT'S OVER! Starting with the "Redeem Team", USA will blow the world away with more and more medals. The competition is OVER!

Peace. We don't want no WWIII.

Rick Neuheisel: "Nothing Has Changed, Muhahaha!"

Muahahaha suckers, you’ve all fell right into my plan! Back in the 90’s I was pretty much the epitome of sleazy college coaching. My players ran loose in Washington, and I never gave a shit. Look at Jeremy Stevens.

But now, after so many years and returning to LA, I got all you mainstream media assholes thinking that Slick Rick has changed. All I have to say about that is this, suck it losers, you all fell right into my hands.

People think that I’m a new man, that I’ve matured, that I’m ready to teach these kids some manners. Ha! The only thing that has matured is my hunger for some partayyyyying. That’s why they brought in that Norm Chow fella, for damage control. You hear that internet? Nothing’s changed, I’m still the same grade A asshole-oncho I was before. Someone throw me a beer!

(Rick shot guns a Bud Light)

See that kids? That’s how you down a cold one, not look all you pussies sipping it and enjoying the taste. What’s up with beer commercials today anyway? How come there are all these bozos dressing up like those Queer Eye yokels slowly drinking a Miller Light like they’re at some damned hoity toity wine ball? Give me a break. That’s not how you drink beer like a man; this is how you do it. Give me another one!

(Someone tosses Rick a malt beer. He rips open the top half of the can with his hands, drinks the rest, spikes the can, then pulls out a pistol and shoots it.)

See that, all you manginas? That’s how you do it. All you nerdos on the internet wish you could be a one millionth of me. Even if you could though, none of you could handle it, your brains would explode and I’d be there to get wasted on the remnants to celebrate my awesomeness.

There’s a new sheriff in town, and his name is Rick.

NOT SO FAST!!!! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE DOUCHEBAG ON THIS BLOG!!!

What the hell? Who said that? Whose there? Whose there? God?

EVEN BETTER….

I’m back, bitches. Someone give me a high five.

Youtube Sundays: Lex Luger vs Shirt

For the record, I think all of us can afford to pay Lex Luger to wrestle around. Five bucks isn't that much money anymore, you Billy-what's-his-name.

Olympic Strawberries from California

In the spirit of the Olympics, I tried to find some newsworthy stories to tell the world, and I came up with strawberries.

That's right, folks! The Golden State is proud to provide the entire Olympic world with fresh strawberries straight from the sunny sided riped fields of Californ-I-A. Read this article for more info.


If this is the kind of healthy fruity diets our athletes want, then DAMN IT! this is what we're giving them. With athletes like these, I'd give them anything they want!


Therefore, as a Californian, I'm proud to be able to supply these ladies the strawberries they need to keep doing what they're doing. And once you get those juicy strawberries, feel free to do whatever you want with them. We don't mind here in California. We've got plenty to spare. You know what, don't let the Olympics stress you out. We all know you're trying your hardest. Go have some fun with the strawberries.


In the words of our Governator Arnold Schwarzeneggar, "Be Californian, Buy Californian Grown."

P.S. Manny Ramirez cut his dreads so now they're an inch shorter, whoopty-doo.

Nate Longshore is Here to Win You Cal Fans Back

Hear those footsteps sneaking up behind you? That’s me Cal fans, good old Nate Longshore ready to storm in with another year of awesomeness.

BOOOO!!!!!!!

Hey hey, I know some of you out there have lost faith in good old Nasty Nate, but let me assure you that I’ve been practicing my stuff this year. After all, I was a former Elite 11 quarterback. Do you know what that means Cal? It means I was one of the top 11 quarterbacks in the nation coming out of high school. Of course you know what that means, you guys are Cal fans! Get it? Wasn’t that a great joke?

BOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEARN COMEDIC TIMING, ASSHOLE!!!!

Okay, so I know some of you have doubt in my ability, but look at this, ESPN features a whole article detailing my road to redemption. They said I could even win my job back from Kevin “I Don’t Know How To Throw Away The Ball” Riley! Isn’t that swell?

BOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BETTER THAN THE NICKNAME NATE WRONGSHORE!!!!

Man, I don’t get you people. What does it take to get people in Berkeley to like you? Do I have to crawl on my knees and ask for forgiveness?? What the hell do you people want from me? What do you people like?

Obama!!!!

Asians!!!

MATLOCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmm okay okay okay, if that’s what you people want, that’s what you people get. I’m going to be the most liberal, Matlock watching, Obama supporting, Asian American Association joining quarterback this side of the Pac-10. I’m willing to sacrifice all of this, because I care about you Cal fans! Go Bears!!!!

Game day against Michigan State, 4th Quarter, Cal leads 52-10, with Longshore throwing for 7 TDS and no INTS

There, I’ve done it, we beat Michigan State! Not only that, but these fans love me! Listen to that crowd:

LONGSHORE! LONGSHORE! LONGSHORE!

Yes, redemption at last, redemption at last! Now, it’s time to just go out there and run the clock out.

Longshore takes the snap and fumbles the ball. Michigan State recovers.

Aww man! Oh well, I mean we’re up by 42 points, and it was just one small hiccup. I’m sure these Cal fans will still support me.


BOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU FUCKING SUCK LONGSHORE! PUT IN RILEY!!!

Man, I fucking hate this school.

The Uber American Guide to the Olympics

Now that it’s been almost a week since the Olympics has started, and it’s also been about a week since something new has been updated on this site, I decided to lay this patriotic smackdown on the waves of the internet.

We all know that being in a foreign country means that Americans can go over and act as “American” as they want, meaning a bunch of stars and straps and over the top drunken obnoxiousness. China should be no different. Yet, what should the Chinese (and other countries) have to look forward to in the remaining week and a half of Olympic glory? Why, all that is U-S- of A!

What symbols or actions best portray what it means to be American during the Olympics?

Stars and Stripes / Uncle Sam

Nothing screams American more than Uncle Sam. He’s surly, he’s disgruntled about his country, and he’s ready to go into battle without asking questions or having any relevant facts. He’s basically a Democrat and a Republican rolled into one!

Complaining About Things That They Were Fine With Earlier

As an American, it’s your job to be pissed off and angry at just about things that you enjoyed until you learned “the truth.” I love those fireworks during the Opening Ceremonies! Wait, what, they were CGI? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE. That little girl was so cute as she sang that song Friday night. Wait, that wasn’t her? I BLAME AMERICA FOR FORCING OUR SHALLOW AND MATERIALISTIC WAYS ON THE CHINESE! The Spanish Basketball Team is awesome! Wait, they’re racists?! THIS IS ALL BUSH’S FAULT.

Jennie Finch

Because she’s hot. That’s all that matters.

Michael Phelps

Because he’s a hot swimmer, or so I’ve heard. To the ladies, that’s all that matters.

Wasteful Spending

Did you know media coverage has spent $412,000 dollars on coverage? Do you know why? Um… I’m not sure really. Because it’s worth it? I mean surely everyone wants to watch badminton coverage, right?

This You Tube video (Lot's of F'Bombs, maybe NSFW):

Fuck Yeah.

And most the most important standard of how to act American during the Olympics:

Pretending to care about something that you never really cared about until people make a big deal over it.