Aaron Rodgers Writes His Own Letter To Brett Favre

A cold day in March, just after Brett Favre has announced his retirement. Aaron Rodgers sees his announcement on ESPN, and worried, decides to write to Brett…

My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I..
Got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window..
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be gray,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad..

Dear Brett, I wrote you but you still ain’t callin,
I was worried about you when I saw you on TV, bawlin,
I left my cell, my home phone, and my MySpace at the bottom,
I even sent you two Facebook messages but you must’ve not got ‘em,
Maybe the internet sever just wasn’t workin' right,
Either that or I messed up, my computer skills ain’t to bright,
But anyways, fuck it man, how’s it going?
I know you’re in Mississippi, you bummed out because it ain’t snowing?
I was there at the NFC Champ game and I want to say I’m sorry,
It should have been you who had the big Super Bowl upset story.
I know you probably hear this everyday, but you’re the greatest,
Better than Brees, Manning, Brady, anyone from the generation of the latest.
I idolize you, you’ve taught me how to take a hit,
I saw that sack you took from Mike Rucker, and I gotta say, that was the shit.
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back,
Just to chat, truly yours your biggest fan, this is Aa-ron.

Two months past and Favre hints he may not be retired after all. Aaron writes a letter again...

My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I..
got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window..
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be gray,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad..

Dear Brett, you still ain’t called or wrote, I hope you have a chance
I ain’t mad, I just think it’s FUCKED up when we don’t communicate, man,
If you didn’t wanna talk to me after the last practice,
You didn’t have to, but you could’ve at least talked to Ryan Grant.
He’s like my little brother man, he’s only a rookie in the league,
We waited to talk to you for in the blistering cold for you,
For four hours and you just said “I’m fatigued.”
That’s pretty shitty man, you’re his fucking hero,
He wants to be just like you man, you made him feel like a zero,
I ain’t that mad though, I just don’t like being lied to.
Remember when we played and Denver, and you said I’d start when you called it quits?
And how you said your word was legit?
See I’m just making sure that that’s how it’s going to be.
I want to continue the Brett Favre legacy.
You taught me everything, I’m glad to learn from the best.
I even got a tattoo of your name across the chest.
When I worked with you, it was practically heaven,
My groupies are jealous cause I talk about you 24/7.
But they don’t know you like I know you Brett, no one does.
Being a quarterback in the NFL is really hard, huh cuz?
You gotta call me man, lemme know that you’re done,
Sincerely yours, Aa-ron, P.S.
We should get together for a run.

Aaron Rodgers discovers Brett has sent a letter of reinstatement to Roger Goodell. He is not happy and writes his last letter…

My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I..
got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window..
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be gray,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad..

Dear Mister I’m Too Good To Stay Retired,
Don’t you know I’m the new quarterback that Green Bay hired?
This is the last letter I ever send your ass,
First you retire, then you don’t, c’mon man, have some class.
So this is my cassette I’m sending you, I hope you hear it,
I hope you O D on your painkillers, pass out, and choke on your vomit,
I’ve waited three years to start, I don’t deserve it?
In the game against Dallas, I played nearly perfect.
Hey Brett, you know that movie Friday Night Lights
About that guy who shouldn’t have played but still went on to the field
And then he got an injury on his knee and it never healed?
That’s kind of how this is, you could stay off the field and continue to be healthy,
But now you’re playing, and you’re too old to dodge tackles and be stealthy,
I loved you Brett, we could’ve stayed civilized,
But now it’s my starting position that you’ve jeopardized.
You ruined it now, I hope you can’t sleep and you dream about it,
I hope your conscience EATS AT YOU and you can't THROW without me
Shut up bitch, I’m trying to talk!
Hey Brett, that’s my agent in the trunk,
He tried to get me on Madden but I ain’t like you
Because I’m an NFL 2k guy, and I’m a starter in that game too.
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now
Oh shit, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this shit out?

SPLASH! CAR SINKS INTO THE RIVER.

The next day…

Green Bay Management: So Brett, it looks like Aaron Rodgers went off the deep end and ran his car into a river. Doctor’s say he’s still intact, but his injuries are critical, and it looks like he won’t make it. All of the other guys are heading to the hospital because it looks like it might be the end. We’re all very devastated.

Brett Favre: I see. Yeah I’m pretty sad too……………………………………………………………….

Brett Favre begins to cry.

He wipes his tears and maintains his composure.

Brett: So………… now that there’s no QB, when do I get to start?

Anthony Kim, the New Asian, Err, American Hero (Even Though He Sports a Popped Collar)

This is Anthony Kim. Some of you may know him, and if you do, it’s probably because you’re Korean or you watch golf. Or maybe it’s a little bit of both. The other 99 percent of America probably would mistake him for someone in their engineering department, but that’s beside the point.

What many don’t know though is that he’s already being hailed as the next big thing. He certainly has the credentials. Already at the young age of 23, he has two PGA tour wins, the Wachovia Championship, finishing 16 under par, which is the lowest score in the tournament’s history. He also recently won the AT&T National, being the first American under 25 to win twice in one year since, guess who, the big cheese himself, Tiger Woods.

Naturally, being so young means that he lacks certain refinement that is often expected to come when one enters the old foggie world of golf. Kim’s trademark fashion statement is sporting a popped collar as he shreds up the green. Now, this being a California Sports Humor Blog and all, you’re probably wondering what this Kim guy has to do in the world of Philip Riverses and Kobe Bryants, but now it seems a little more clear, doesn’t it? Put it together, popped collar + Korean American… ahhhh, he’s from Los Angeles. Well actually, La Quinta, California, to be more precise, but whatever, even to me, it’s all the same.

Now personally, if you ask me, popped collars are usually the trademark of a douchebag. Throw in some sandals, spiked hair, tipped cap, and khaki shorts, maybe a bluetooth and livestrong bracelet, and you have one model douchebag. Anthony Kim is roughly around my age, so he’s pretty much an athlete from my generation. I hope the upper brow cake munching of the golf world don’t think that his clothing attire represents the millions of others who are our age, because then we’ll all look like douchebags. The tip of the cherry had to be that he’s from Southern California. Damnit. Observe photo A and you’ll see what I’m talking about:

Way to pigeonhole an area, Anthony. Hope fully he’s being ironic or something, but even if he is, then he’d just come off as a condescending Northern California hipster who reeks of negativity and unwanted sarcasm. You know, the type of person who listens to Silversun Pickups, wears horn rimmed glasses and vintage clothing they bought at a dollar store, thinks everything their doing is oh so clever, and likes to “shock” their circle of friends by doing something trendy because they think they’re being ironic. Yeah, way clever, about as clever as my asshole. Just picture you’re average person from the Marina District or Berkeley, or observe photo B:

No wonder NorCal and SoCal are painted as enemies, they both breed their own special kind of idiotic person.

Anyway, enough of this ranting, I’m starting to come off like Lewis Black. The point is that despite his fashion choices, I personally will be rooting for Anthony Kim for the main reason that he actually looks like he’s having fun when playing the game, which is the way that everyone should live their life. Just go out there and enjoy what you like to do, it’s the Anthony Kim way.

Skip Bayless and Stephen A Smith At the Movies

Photos via the Sports Hernia

Skip Bayless: Hi everyone, after last week’s very successful critique that Stephen and I did about the movie The Dark Knight, we decided that the film industry needed our expertise. After all, we analyze sports, so analyzing movies should be a piece of cake.

Stephen A. Smith: That’s right Skip. Many people may not know this, but I am a noted film buff, and I’m ready to take on any challenge that walks my way, whether it be a high art indie film or the next big summer block buster. Also, since Ebert and Roeper are calling it quits, I think it’s about time that Hollywood is ready for Smith and Bayless. So, what movie do we have on today’s show, Skip?

Skip: Now normally, most movie critics would start by reviewing this week’s upcoming attractions, but let me tell you this Stephen, I AM SO CONFIDENT about my movie reviewing abilities that I think we should both comment on a movie that isn’t going to be out until wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy in the future. Don’t you agree Stephen?

Stephen: Absolutely Skip, I was about to say the same thing. That’s why as a gift from us to you, the viewer, we’re going to bust out the big guns and tackle Transformers 2, which won’t be coming out to a theatre near you anytime soon. So Skip, what did you think of this movie?

Skip: Well to be blunt, Stephen, I THOUGHT IT WAS HORRENDOUS! The fact that they have robots talking and transforming into vehicles is absolutely astounding to me! What kind of knuckleheaded producer would allow this despicable, unmentionable piece of cinema trash hit the big screens of the United States? I hated this movie, and I’ll tell you why:
a) Robots can’t talk
b) I did not buy Megatron’s performance as the villain
c) Optimus Prime was mundane and completely clichéd as the hero of the movie
d) Arcee was not a good choice for the love interest

Stephen: First of all Skip, I have to say right here and now that all your arguments for not supporting this movie are utterly ridiculous, and let me tell you why. First of all you forgot ta suspend yourself in the world of Transformers. This is the type of movie that has action and thrills, but the talking robots are really what made this movie such a phenomenal film. You couldn’t ask for a better hero or villain than Megatron and Optimus Prime either.

Skip: But you know that you have to agree with me on that last one.

Stephen: That’s where you’re right Skip. For the role of the female transformer, you gotta get someone smokin’! I’m talking about a Thunderblast or a Roulette. Someone who is fine! Even throw a sista Transformer in there if you have to. You gotta give me that, Michael Bay, c’mon!

Skip: I did enjoy that Shia LeBeouf kid though. He reminds me of a young version of myself.

Stephen: You mean someone who’s a self absorbed, hypocritical jerk who has an ego that’s big enough to block out the sun?

Skip: Exactly.

Stephen: I guess a brotha can’t argue with that.

(For those of you who think this piece is completely arbitrary, check out this clip where Skip and Stephen review the Dark Knight, and you’ll see where I’m coming from)

The clip's is here at Defamer.

Youtube Sundays: Dark Knight Spoof

This is the best spoof I've seen of the Dark Knight, hands down. Damn even the spoof of this movie is awesome

Friday Sports Roundup

First off, let's congratulate the Golden State Warriors for re-signing the new face of their Franchise, Mr. Monta Ellis. Baron who? Mr. Ellis just got one of the highest raises in NBA history, making about $770,000 last year to making over $11 million next year.

Now let's hope the Warriors can re-sign Andris Biedrins as well. He wants money, and the Warriors are the only team who can give him the money, maybe roughly in the 6-year, $48 million range. However, sources said that some Russian teams are offering him more. Andris Biedrins, please don't pull a Josh Childress.


Happy 44th Birthday to our favorite ex-Giant Barry Bonds. He turned 44 yesterday, and his birthday present was FREEDOM, at least for now. The Giants celebrated for him with Matt Cain throwing a complete game 4-hit shutout, and the Giants beating the Nationals 1-0, proving that the Giants don't need Bonds' steroid-injected homers, if only it was for a couple games against one of the worst teams in baseball. With the Giants being the 4th worst team in baseball, they're able to sweep the ABSOLUTE worst teams, the Washington Nationals. The others, the San Diego Padres and the Seattle Mariners. Congratulations Giants, you're not the worst team...yet.


Jimmy Rollins, the reigning NL MVP, the Alameda, CA native. What's he doing on this blog? I put him here today because I believe he had the best excuse yesterday for making to his baseball game on time.

The Phillies are in a 3-team battle with the New York Mets and the Florida Marlins for 1st place in the NL East. Every game counts from now on. Rollins wasn't in the lineup because he was stuck in traffic. Way to take one for the team, Jimmy. I guess if you're the MVP, you can do whatever you want. That's why your team lost. That's why you get a ball in your face.


This coming Sunday, the San Jose Sabercats will once again become Arena Bowl Champions in Arena Bowl XXII. 4th time in 7 years or something like that. They're unstoppable. It doesn't matter who their opponents are. So don't forget, Sunday. Watch it, or don't, it doesn't matter. We already know the results. I'm too lazy to look up the time, or channel. Too bad.


L.A. Sparks vs. Detroit Shock in an all-out brawl. You women are crazy. Who do you think you are? First you dunk, now you fight. What's going on?! And suspensions? Slow down, WNBA, 4 entire games? That's ridiculous. Ron Artest only got suspended for like the entire season, but man, that's 4 HUUUUUUUUGE games here for what's her name from the Detroit Shock!! I am definitely SHOCKED!!!

That about does it for our Friday Sports Roundup. Peace out and have a safe weekend!

Mamma Mia: Josh Childress Retire in Greece

Mamma Mia...here you go again...my, my...Stanford really taught ya!

One of our favorite Stanford-bred hoopstars, the #1 Josh Childress, is packing his fro and shipping it to the tropical paradise of Skopelos Island in Greece, to play for the Olympiacos CFP basketball club.

What does the CFP stand for? None other than "Club of Fans of Piraeus". So Childress is playing for the Olympiacos Club of Fans of Piraeus. This club isn't just about basketball either. They also have football (soccer?), volleyball, water polo, swimming, and ATHLETICS. Pretty neat, huh? I learned all that from my good old reliable encyclopedia of Wikipedia.


So why would anyone jump from the NBA, the league that has the world's greatest basketball players, and land with a basketball club that's immersed with a bunch of small Euroleague teams?

For starters, Childress went to Stanford. He's one smart cookie. Besides winning the NBA championship and winning the MVP award, or even appearing in an All-Star game, he's done all he could in the NBA. I mean, he's already been in the NBA playoffs this past year with the Atlanta Hawks. The Boston Celtics won, but the Hawks ALMOST beat them in Game 7 in round 1. If that had happened, imagine the entire city of HOTlanta going crazy with a Hawks championship. So yeah, he's already had his moment in the NBA. But the one true dream that every NBA player loathes in their NBA career is to be on the cover of a video game. And look what Josh Childress accomplished:


What else, you ask? Was it the 3 years of guraranteed money of $20 million? Nope. He could've made more in the NBA. The only other reason Childress decided on this intelligent move was because he watched Mamma Mia over the weekend and absolutely FELL IN LOVE with Skopelos Island, the location where Mamma Mia was filmed. The singing, the dancing, the blue waters, the happiness....WHO COULD RESIST?!


Just look at that. Wow! Who wouldn't want to live there? Way to go, Josh. Your Stanford edu-mammamia-cation really came in handy. You're going to be a huuuuuuge star in Greece, with the BIGGEST fro the Greeks have ever seen. I'm soooooooo jealous of you right now, retiring at a young age in paradise. Take this little tour of the Skopelos Island if you need a little more convincing why everyone would want to be in Josh Childress' shoes right now.

A Pause in My Break: I Hate to Interrupt the Cal WR Lovefest

I hate to interrupt all the Cal receiving core fellating that has been going on around here, but I decided to come in and take a break from my break to give my two cents on how both of these young receivers are REALLY going to perform in the pros.

Now, I realize that my credentials as an NFL analyst aren’t particularly stellar, being that I never played football on a pro, college, high school, pop warner level. In fact the only experience I have as a receiver is when me and my friends would play pick up games and we ran out of positions, so I would have to play the dreaded blocker / tight end position. Hey, according to my stat counting, I recorded an average of 6 receiving yards and 0 YAC yards per game. Take that, Bubba Franks.

But seriously, it doesn’t take a football god, or even Dan Fouts, to figure out that DeSean Jackson is a little undersized. And when I say little, I mean really undersized. Currently, Jackson registers at a staggering 5’ 10’’ and a whopping 175 pounds. He’s the perfect size for a football player, if he was a kicker and his last name consisted of 20 different letters. Seriously, even Ace of Spades is bigger than that, and that’s not even a joke!

People will tell you that there have been some undersized receivers who have been successful in the NFL, namely Santana Moss, Deion Branch, and Donte Stallworth. Well I’ll tell you this, if you define success by the standards of Santana Moss, Deion Branch, and Donte Stallworth for the sake of DeSean, then I guess you’re also the type of Cal fan person who must think that Aaron Rodgers is going to be a stud considering he hasn’t started a game EVER and that he has had a season ending injury twice in his career. But besides those two minor facts, you think to yourself “well he’s still going to be good because!” I know someone who uses the same argument, but he’s only five.

The truth is Aaron Rodgers will be a mediocre to below average QB and DeSean Jackson will be an above average punt returner but a below average WR. He'll also probably get injured midway through the season, just like Aaron!

Others will say that DeSean has speed to burn corners every play. True, but there’s also something that many people over look. Hmm, what are people forgetting, what could it be? Oh yeah, the fact that DeSean is playing with men now! Men who are fast as if not faster and twice as big. Throw in some steroids, former Hurricanes, and Brian Urlacher, and it’s lights out for DJ.

The biggest argument I really hate though is when people make nonsensical arguments like “he’s a playmaker” or he has a “special dynamic.” These are football equivalents to office buzzwords. You know, they’re the type of things people say to make it look like they know what they’re talking about when, upon further examination, you realize they and you have know idea what they mean. Stuff like saying to “think out of the box.”

When people say those kinds of things, I just want to ask what the fuck they’re talking about. The same things can be said about football analysts who praised Mike Vick and Reggie Bush for bringing a new dynamic to the field. Oh, you mean someone who can run as a quarterback but can’t throw as a quarterback, or a guy who can return punts and catch well but as a running back can’t really run for shit? Why don’t you just insert LT in as quarterback (he already has a high career rating) or put in Plaxico Burress at RB? Hell, ESPN might just start calling you a person who thinks “outside the box.” The point is when people say DeSean is going to be good because he brings an X-Factor or something like that to the game, kindly kick them in the groin. Thanks.

I’m not even going to talk about Robert Jordon until he actually plays, and at that point this blog will either be non existent or he’ll be leading the 49ers to the Superbowl. I’m guessing it’s the first choice though.

So I hate to rain on my fellow commenter parades, but I just needed to address some things and point out that The Play In California isn’t all about brown nosing former and current Cal players. At least I’m not. That is all. Now if you excuse me, I’m going to continue my soul searching break, I was like this close to reaching nirvana.

Robert Jordan, We Have Faith!

So former Cal Wide Receiver stud Robert Jordan signed a free agent contract with the San Francisco 49ers on April 28, 2008. As I'm waiting anxiously to find out if he'll make the final roster, coming some time before regular season begins, I can't help but remember the times I watched him at Cal...

With Jordan, Hawkins, and Jackson together, they seemed the offensive powerhouse for Cal. And maybe Jordan didn't get much spotlight last season. I mean, it was the season where 'the 1 to watch' wasn't him. Being on the same team, with the same position as the Heisman candidate, can make it hard for you to shine.

And you know what, it's all good. It's tough luck, and maybe he's not as skilled as Desean Jackson, but I have complete faith that Jordan will surpass expectations of his game.

I think there's a similarity between Jordan and his cousin, Marshawn Lynch. They don't like the spotlight. They're all about Family First. They are team players. They are legit. They're taller than 6 ft and weigh more than 190 lbs unlike some kind of brash, cocky new Philadelphia Eagle that I know...

Not that I'm trying to instigate or anything, I'm just saying some players have skill and some players don't have an attitude problem. Oh, and some players won't get destroyed by a blindsided hit from Ray Lewis because, you know, they have the body to take it. Unfortunetly, other players (cough, the 1 to watch, cough) can only hope to be a poor man's Santana Moss.

But some players, like Robert Jordan, they're just hidden talents, diamond in the roughs if you will. And they are the ones who are going to lead their team to victory!

DeSean Jackson, 4 Years Baby!!

DeSean Jackson, chomping down on that yummy Philly Cheesesteak with some extra whiz, living the life, with a reported 4-year deal just in the nick of time before rookies meet for training camp. How much is the deal? It doesn't matter, he's set for life. Congratulations, dude!

Going from "The 1 To Watch" to "The 10 To Watch"

Just know your roots, Big D. Once a Golden Bear, always a Golden Bear. 5'10", 175 lbs speedster, you better break some NFL ankles in the upcoming season returning kicks for the Eagles. Don't forget to flash some style as the No. 3 slot receiver as well.

Making one-handed catches at Cal to one-handed catches in Philly.

This post is dedicated to you, DJ. Have a great season! I'm expecting you to fly like this in a real game:

YouTube Sundays: 2008 ESPYs Preview

NorCal vs. SoCal, NBA Style

Only in California could you have a battle between the northern part of the state and the southern part of the state. Just look at the Warriors and Clippers.

Baron goes down, Elton Brand goes byebye, Maggette goes up, Pietrus/Patrick O'Bryant/and most likely Barnes goes byebye, but now the guy whose name nobody can pronounce is pretty much going down to the Clippers:


Mr. I'm from England and I came over to play in the NBDL and now I get to play in the same house as Kobe Kelenna Azubuike.

What do the Warriors do to retaliate?


Steal Mr. multilingual I speak 5 different languages Ronny Turiaf from the Lakers! Read this nice story about him and his Caribbean roots by the Lakers, in which they thought Turiaf would be in LA for quite some time. The story is called, Ronny Turiaf: A Multicultural Warrior. Guess the Lakers already planned to let him go waaaaaaaay ahead of time back in 2007.

What are the Lakers going to do now? Well, some sources and rumors here and there are saying that they're the front runners to get who else but the very loving


Ron Artest: Tru Warier, who is his own agent. How fun is that!

It's the weekend, and I'm lazy, so let's just ponder over these NorCal/SoCal hateration dealings. Who's next? Is Thunder going to leave the Warriors and go down south? That would just be horrrrrrrible!!


Why can't we see the Dakotas battle it out with each other and let the Carolinas have their own civil war instead? Why us?! Why CALIFONIA!!!!!

Open Letter to Billy Beane, From A's Fan

Dear Mr. Billy Beane,

I LOVE YOU, MAN!

What a grrrrrreat move you did, trading away Joe Blanton for another 3 minor leaguers from the Philadelphia Phillies. At best, chubby Joe is only an average pitcher. Finished last year with a 14-10 record, and this year already an amazing 5-12 record. I mean, he makes a better electrical socket than a pitcher:


I googled and googled, (Do I get props for mentioning Google on a google-owned blog?) but I can only find 1 career highlight of Average Joe:


Sloppy seconds from Nick Swisher. What's wrong with you, Joe? Your girl in green was pretty hot, why not let HER li-li-li-lick you like a lollipop? Plus, didn't you learn anything from Billy Beane baby?


Why share someone when you can have two!! Maybe that's why Joe BLAN(der than a)TON(of shit) was traded. And that's why Beane is THE MAN. He may have sucked during his LONG baseball career,


Can't really see it, so click here for a clearer picture of how bad Billy Beane was. Basically, his best year was with the Twins, where he hit a whopping .213 with 3 homers and 15 RBIs in 80 gams (183 ABs). That says it all for his 6 year career. He did finish it off with the A's though. I would put up another picture of him in an actual Twins uniform with an ugly signature, but there's no point.

The point IS, the man is NOW a genius. The 3 players the A's got--Adrian Cardenas, Jost Outman, and Matt Spencer--were 3 of the Phillies top 30 prospects. Cardenas was #2 and Outman was making his way up. Spencer still needs to work on his game a bit, but under the A's management, all 3 will definitely be future All Stars.

In conclusion, Billy Beane is the GOD of all general managers:

Tampa Bay Rays - 2008 World Champions

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeop! You heard it right here, on The Play in CA. I, Mr. Ace of Spades, predict the Tampa Bay Rays will be the 2008 MLB World Champions. They will be the baseball version of the Boston Celtics, minus the history of success before the 50,000 years of suckiness.

Come on, the Rays have finished the season in last place in their division 11 of their 12 years of existence. That's pretty bad. In fact, Simon Cowell even says that's horrendous! Let's just give it to him this year. I think the entire state of Florida needs it. Even though the Marlins are surprisingly decent at times, the last place heroes of Tampa Bay still have more fans than the Marlins.

But for real, the Rays are pretty decent. 3 All Stars this year. That HAS to say something about the team, unlike other teams that get pity All Stars just so each team is equally represented. Yes I'm talking about you, Joakim Soria of the Kansas City Royals.


I mean, just look at the Rays, they work hard and play hard. Check out these moves. NONE of you can do that shiznat!


So there you have it, Tampa Bay Rays, World Champs, barely squeezing by the Boston Red Sox in the League Championship. I predict the Rays will be the Wild Card. Boston will actually win the East. Don't worry California fans, the Angels will win the West and stay in the playoffs for a short while before going back to Disneyland. Who cares about the AL Central, Ozzie Guillen already knows that no matter how good the White Sox are, the city still think they suck.

As for the NL...the Dodgers, they still have a chance. Phillies in the East because I like their red/blue hat:


Wild Card, whoever wants it. The Mets I guess, feel kinda bad for them. And finally, the Cubs will also make it to the World Series, but ultimately lose, because of that stupid freakin' why isn't he dead yet

STEVE F'IN BARTMAN!

It's the curse of the BART-MAN. Sucks to be a Cubs fan.

But most importantly, I really truly think the Rays will win because I believe that they deserve it. I have to give it to them, because they got die-hard fans like this:

Bow down to me now! Go Rays!
Call me at 555-5555 for a good time! xoxo
(*Hot sizzling sound fades out*)

MLB (Boring) All-Star Game Recap

The Mid-Summer Classic. The House That Ruth Built. The last year of Yankee Stadium. This All-Star game must be magical.


You would think it'd be magical. You would think a Yankee would do something amazing to set some Yankee history. You would THINK.

As I speak, the game is going to the bottom of the 15th inning, tied 3-3. It's already the longest All-Star game time-wise. And we all thought baseball itself was boring enough, and I'm a baseball fan! And Bud Selig can't really just call off the game as a tie just like 2002 in Milwaukee, because "THIS GAME COUNTS." The winning league gets homefield advantage in the World Series. So what was Bud Selig doing?


Something in the line of this. A little booger-picking and a lot of yawning and being bored. The TV shot of Bud Selig at the end of the 12th inning was classic. I've never seen a person looked so bored, especially if you basically run the entire organization.

Well, nothing exciting came out of a Yankees uniform. A-Rod didn't even participate in the Homerun Derby, letting Josh Hamilton, a former drugee, bash 28 homeruns in 1 round, 28!!!! What did A-Rod do that was oh-so-much-more important than spending time at Yankee Stadium?


The material girl herself: Madonna. A-Rod was reported having a party at Club 40/40, with Madonna on his special VIP guestlist. What a story there. A-Rod = BIGGEST MANWHORE IN THE WORLD! There's a story for the NY media, rather than threatening Jonathan Papelbon with a PapelBUM in the news.

That serves the entire New York City right. JD Drew, Boston Red Sox, ties the game with a 2-run homer. Evan Longoria, the Yankee's division rival, ties it again with a double to make it 3-3.

But hey, it's the All-Star Game, let's talk about the All Stars!! Here's mine: DAN UGGLA.


Oh boy, Dan Uggla, what an uggla-y game!! (Pun intended, *wink*)

3 errors, with a chance to redeem himself at the plate and potentially win it for the NL. What happens? Fastball, strike 1. Fastball, strike 2. Nasty curveball, half an uggla-y swing and a big fat K. Good thing he plays for a team with no fans.

As I speak again, bottom of the 15th, the American League finally wins with a sacrifice fly from Michael Young. GASP! What a big surprise. The league that has won the All-Star Game the past 11 straight times, plus that tie. And it's not like the NL didn't have their chance. Even the umpires helped them, when Ian Kinsler stole second and was called out when clearly Miguel Tejada didn't even tag him. Or when the big fat speedy Tampa Bay Ray catcher Navarro slid under the tag at home, which would've won it for the AL, was called out.

Anways, I just wasted 4 hours and 50 minutes of my day. I guess that makes me a bigger loser, so it's time to end this post. On a last note, I wonder who else A-Rod is doing right now. Who do you think?

FYI, the Clippers just got Marcus Camby from the Nuggets to form the best African American/Caucasian frontcourt in the NBA. Congrats!

BTW, congrats to the San Jose Sabercats on making it to the Arena Bowl again, looking to win their 4th championship, in 6 years? 7 years? Who cares, go Sabercats!


Post-Game Update: Take that, Yankees! Your All Star MVP, the last year at the House that Ruth built, none other than Boston Red Sox J.D. Drew:

KC Cal is Taking A Week or Two Off

It's July, there's no football, thus, I'll be taking a break for about two weeks. Get ready to hear some more of Ace of Spades, Ms. Auto, and U12. Peace!

Trades, Trades, and More Trades

Lately, we've been seeing a lot of trades here in California. And not just one sport, but every sport. The NBA off-season trade saga is now beginning and the MLB trade deadline is approaching, so what else do we talk about? MORE trades!


Let's get a quick wrap-up of the trades that have taken place. So far, I think we've all got to agree that the trades of all trades that's taken place was:


After that happened, the Warriors were like: F*ck that! We're gonna offer Elton Brand the most $$ he's ever seen in his life, a whopping $90 million! But Elton Brand was like: Psssssssh I am a loyal Clipper. We suck, but I am loyal. So he decided to sign with the 76ers. So the Warriors went ahead and got:


Sorry Clippers, but payback's a biatch! Warriors got another proven scorer, and Clippers got NOTHING! Don't get me wrong, Baron is the shit, but he's only back in LA to try out his directing/producing skills. Being on the Clippers' squad is pretty much early retirement for him. He's in Hollywood, money's coming in, and he doesn't need to do jackshit for it. Great businessman, that Baron!

As if stealing from the Clippers weren't enough, the Warriors are trying to pry Ronny Turiaf away from the Lakers. Man, I LOOOOOVE the Warriors. Bring some Nor-Cal flavor to the So-Cal vibe.

If the Lakers match the Warriors' offer sheet to Turiaf, I've got another solution for the Warriors:


Miss Candace Parker. I'm telling ya, she's just too good to pass up. Get her to the NBA so she can really dunk and drop 40 pts a night against the Clippers. Chris Kaman ain't got NOTHING on the real Big C! Chris Paul = CP3 Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease, CP3 is for Candace Parker!

What do we do with the Sparks? We'll just give them Ron Artest and let the WNBA deal with his attitude and rap game. The Kings are non-existent anyways.

Oh yeah, the A's also made a trade, giving up the flame-throwing Rich Harden and Chad Gaudin. Well, knowing that Billy Beane is a trade genius, the four players the A's got out of the deal will develop into 10 superstars. Yup, that's how good Mr. Beane is.


If only the Giants can do the same. The only trade the Giants are able to make now is to give up their veteran (OLD) players--Omar Vizquel, Ray Durham, Rich Aurilia, Dave Roberts--for a bag of peanuts. That way, I can actually sit back and watch some exciting baseball and enjoy my nuts!

To shake things up a bit, here's a few more trades that I'm going to make for our lovely California sports managers:

Mark Grieb (SaberCats) to the 49ers (because Alex Smith is shit)

David Beckham, the new kicker for the Raiders. That'll be fun to watch.

Convert any one of the Raiders' 1500 RBs to the Padres, because the Raiders don't need it, and the Padres will take whatever they can get. Add in a grade A++ can of whoopass for the Padres and watch them still suck ass.

Throw Barry Zito to the Lakers. Pitching ain't working for him, so maybe he could be the next Fisher with the lefty J's. Plus he'll be out of the spotlight behind Kobe. They'll team up to be Koto, or Zibe. Yeaaaaa.....

Find any injured player from any sport--ping pong, ballet, whatever you have it--and give him/her/it to the Dodgers so they can add someone else on their DL.

Off the top of my head, that's about it. Feel free to add to the list in the comments.

Hey Brett, Quit Jerkin' Us Around and Make Up Your Mind, Damnit!

Damnit Brett, I thought we went over this already. I remember the Nancy little farewell speech you gave as you announced to all your knob slobbing buddies (Peter King, Chris Berman, John Madden, every single NFL sports reporter in the United states) announcing your retirement? Well guess what asshole, when you say you are going to retire, you stayed retired. Yeeesh!

Remember, I even threw you a little retirement shindig a few months ago before you made the announcement. It was a grand affair, I invited everyone, but noooo, you almost ruined by announcing that you weren’t going to retire after all. That means I would have to returned that cake that had your picture on it. Thank god you didn’t because it’s hard to try to get a full refund on that shit. I would’ve been down a whole forty dollars.

It was pretty cool hearing your retirement at the press conference, though. All these images flashed before my eyes as you said those magical words “I’m retiring.” Just like that, I began to think about how awesome the “Reign of Rodgers” would be as I unleashed it all over Wisconsin. I would have broken every single touchdown record in the book (including yours, Johnny McPainkiller Addiction), lead Green Bay to ten consecutive Super Bowls, steal Jessica Simpson from Romo, dump Jessica Simpson, do some blow, and then pull a Lawrence Taylor and drag my cocaine addled body onto the field and win another NFC Championship game while every other single quarterback in the league bows down to my greatness. Yup, that future sounds pretty reasonable to me.

But noooooo, a few months later, your old man ass decided you had the “itch” to play football again. Itch? What the hell does that mean? Does that mean you have a skin irritation that causes you to want to play football again? Maybe a nice blind sided tackle from Osi Omenyiora will put that itch to oblivion.

Or better yet, how about a nice big fat bitch slap from me? Will that heal your hunger for playing? I’d be glad to give you your medicine with the palm of my hand. If you want, you can get addicted to those to.

Then all of a sudden people are telling me that all of that itch crap was bullshit. Well, stop pussyfooting us around and make up your damn mind! Is your old age getting to you already? Shiet. I didn’t you could get Alzheimer’s when you’re forty something.

You know how much that sucks for me? You’re totally throwing off my NFL season preparation. If you decide to come back, then tell me already! You know how long it takes to find a nice seat cushion from IKEA? Or fan? Or footbath? No way I’m sitting on that metal bench the whole game without any luxuries. At least if you let me know you’re coming back, I can plan accordingly.

Also, if you do decide to come back, I totally got to start finding my own Jeff Gillooly to take out one of Brian Brohm’s kneecaps. At least that way, I can put to rest early the imminent QB controversy that will brew once you retire again. You were the one who always told me to prepare for the future early. You also told me “screw the back up” (makes sense considering how you man handle my hopes and dreams every time you announced that you were coming back). You really are a great teacher!

And if you don’t decide to come back, tell me that too! If I want to tap Jessica Simpson, I got to send flowers and shit and work on my photo shop so I can circulate a picture of Tony Romo making out with TO. Guess Romo really WOULD be TO’s quarterback, if ya get what I’m sayin’. Yuk yuk yuk.

Plus, I’ve been your back up for three years already, cut me some slack and let me shine. Me and you were like BFF, so just let me play. I’ve never done anything to wrong you, minus the whole telling Green Bay fans to “shut up and forget about you.” I was totally drunk or something when I said that. If Kerry Collins gets a free pass while on the booze, I think I should too.

But seriously Brett, stop hovering around this subject and just come out and say if you’re coming back or not. It’s really putting me in a loop here because you’re totally ruining my preseason shopping plans.

The A's Lose Another Ace In Their Deck of Cards

Rich Harden is outtta here. The former Oakland Ace is now heading to the Chicago Cubs. I'm no baseball expert or anything, but a simple google images search lead me to a bunch of these pictures concerning the losers that are the Cubs:

This poster should be hung on every Chicago wall.

The Cubs, making kids cry since 1908.

Don't worry brah, I love you.

This puppy will be on prozac soon.

The pinnacle of Cubs baseball after 1908.

This pretty much says it all.

What's Wrong With You Tony? He Was a Chargers Fan!

Look Gonzalez, I’m all for helping out people and what not. In fact, under any other circumstance, I would have put your life saving stunt right up there with the Godfather II in terms of awesomeness. You would have been a super hero to me on and off the field, and I mean that in the most non homosexual way possible. Um, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Um, yeah let’s get back to the story.

Not only did you show that football players aren’t all muscle headed assholes, you also proudly represented the Kansas City Chiefs as ground breaking Good Samaritans. First Will Shields wins the Walter Payton award, now you save a life.

You also proudly represented your alma mater, Cal, by preventing that guy from choking to death. You’re a Chief and a fellow Golden Bear, what else could you do to make yourself more awesome? Oh, that’s right, save someone’s life!

Unfortunately for you, there was one small thing you over looked: the man was a Chargers fan!!! Come on Tony, where is your sense of loyalty?? Sure, if he was a Cardinals fan, Eagles fan, hell even a Patriots fan, that’s passable, but this guy roots for your mortal enemy! What is wrong with you?

Even Superman would have to think twice about saving one of Lex Luthor’s henchmen from near death via asphyxiation from meatball, and no one has a higher moral code than that guy. (Well maybe except Jesus).

Besides, from the account that was given to ESPN, the guy was turning blue. Don’t you see what he was really doing, Tony? He wasn’t choking, he was just trying to put some Charger blue on him the natural way. I mean, face paint is so expensive these days, why not change your skin’s color for free? Thanks a lot asshole, you just cost that guy three dollars and fifty nine cents. You just had to butt in when no one was asking. Oh, the wife was yelling for help you say? Well, she’s just an attention whore.

So remember big guy, use some more discretion when you decide to save someone’s life. Now, thanks to you, that guy is going to be at a Chiefs game ready to yell belligerently that he slept with your wife. Good job, numb nuts.

What A Weekend In Sports It Was

The San Jose Sabrecats got one game closer to making it to the XFL, I mean AFL championships. This is great for sports fans, as it means we're getting closer to the real football season.

San Jose native Joey Chestnut successfully defended his Mustard Belt Title to become a two time Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Champ. April D pondered if this was a real sport. I say yes because while eating the dogs doesn't take much athleticism, I'm sure getting it out takes more muscle strains than we can even fathom.

The Dodgers won their rivalry series 2-1. Surprisingly, the lost wasn't because of Zito (figures).

Irvine resident Quinton "Rampage" Jackson lost his UFC Light Heavyweight belt to "The Ultimate Fighter" Forrest Griffin. Griffin literally survived a powerbomb by Jackson during the fight.

The greatest tennis match ever played occured on July 6th. Done deal.

Youtube Sundays: White Chicks + Gang Signs

And that closes out the 4th of July weekend.

I'm In It To Win It, Mofo!

Yeah! It's time to represent San Jose, mother fucka! I Joey Chestnut, hot dog eating champion am here to defend my title today on the grandest American holiday of them all! Nothing screams America like me obliterating the competition by gorging myself with a 6 inch dog. Hell yeah!

Get ready Japo, because I'm taking you down!

The Day I Accidentally Went To The Arena Bowl

As some of you may know, and many of you don’t, tomorrow, the San Jose Sabrecats will be playing their first playoff game of the season in the divisional round of the AFL playoffs. They’re up against Colorado AKA the team the John Elway has investment in. I guess it makes sense though. First the Bay Area destroys him in his NFL career, and then the Bay will destroy him in his AFL career. That’s what you get for going to Stanford, asshole.

For those who aren’t familiar with the AFL, fear not, because I’m in the same boat as you! Guess Bissinger was on to something when he claimed all blogs were poorly researched and written!

If you’re an AFL fan, then you’d be hard pressed to find any Arena Football blogs out there, and if you do find one, it’s probably really shitty. Thus, this blog is your best shot. I can’t tell you about stats and key players and strategy or any of that jazz, but I can retell a little story about a first handed Arena Football experience that was encountered by yours truly:

The year was 2002, and it was a hot hot day in San Jose. This was before people were paranoid about global warming, so it probably wasn’t as hot as it is today. Me and my friends were pretty bored out of our minds on Saturday afternoon. We were too scorched to do anything, but we were too droned out to want to do nothing. Then, out of the blue, I get a call from my friend who works at the San Jose Arena. For the purposes of this story, let’s call him RTJ.

Usually back in the day, RTJ would give us tips about special deals that were going on at the Arena. On this particular day, he told us about some cheap Sabrecats tickets that were available for the game. I asked my friends if they were interested, and the answer was pretty much a flat no. However, I figured it was time for me to get out of the house, so I told RTJ to save me a few since I was going to call around and see who else was down for it.

Apparently, not many people were as interested in me. After about 10 calls, I only got one measly person to go. Yes, things were pretty much as pathetic for Arena Football as it is now. On the plus side though, the person who did want to go was a girl, so I suppose it wasn’t a complete disaster, though I don’t really think AFL is high “things to do to impress a girl” list. Whatever, I was in high school at the time, and more importantly, I was broke, so these cheap tickets were win win for me.

Ten minutes before the game started, I picked up my friend and we met up with RTJ to get our tickets. As I walked into the Arena, I thought to myself “I hope they’re playing someone good.” I didn’t really bother to check who the Sabrecats were playing that day, since my interest level was as low as the average attendance at an AFL game. That’s pretty damn low.

So about five minutes later, we found our seats on settled down into our seats ready to watch/sleep through the game ahead. As I prepared myself for a quick snooze, I was quickly startled by the loud bang of pyro and flashing lights.

Jesus Christ, I thought to myself, the Sharks don’t even get this much hoopla, what’s the big deal?

Then I saw it in large words as it flashed before me on the big screen:

WELCOME TO ARENA BOWL XVI: The Sabercats vs the Arizona Rattlers!!!!

Holy shit. As it turned out, RTJ had hooked us up not for a regular season game, but an actual Arena Bowl. If I had bothered to pick up the news or even read one article about the AFL, I would’ve had realized that the regular season was long gone, and it was playoff time. The reason the Arena Bowl was in San Jose was because back then, there were no such thing as neutral sites, instead it was just home field advantage.

Once I realized I was sitting in the middle of something historic (uh, kind of), my attention level shot up faster than Roger Clemens at warehouse filled with Winstrol. I was super pumped and ready for the kick off to start so I could welcome myself to the stage of history. Nothing is going to bring this high down, nothing!

….then they played. The Sabrecats scored on a pass. The Rattlers got picked off. Sabrecats score on another pass. Rattlers throw again. Sabrecats throw again. Yeah, that’s all that pretty much happened. It was a pass riot.

There was no running, no quick jukes, no hard tackles because well, they just didn’t have enough space to do it! It was pretty much pass after pass after pass. Sure, this sounds fun, but in actuality it really isn’t. It’s just like if you’re watching the Slam Dunk Contest, and Nate Robinson is trying his dunk for the 20th time. The same dunk, over and over and over. That gets pretty boring pretty fast.

Needless to say, after one quarter, me and my posse of one person left the game. That’s right, after one quarter of the ARENA BOWL, the championship game of the AFL, we walked out of the Arena because we were bored. And that story pretty much sums up my experience with the Arena Football League.

Well That Was Fast...Baron is a Clipper

ARE YOU KIDDING ME

Baron Davis left the Warriors for a 65 million dollar contract to play for the Clippers today. Great… While most Clippers fans are rejoicing and Warriors fans grimacing, I would like to shed light onto this subject. Monte Ellis can become a great leader for the team. Stephen Jackson will soon leave the team too. The money saved between both those contracts will be enough to get MC Hammer off of his feet, and that means a lot! So maybe not next year, but in a few, when the young Warriors mature, GS could look pretty good.

As for the Clippers; fuck that, they’ll still suck next year. Brand is old and injury prone; plus he could be on another team by the end of this offseason. Mobley and Maggette were good for about 2.5 seasons combined, and won’t ever be the supporting player Stackhouse or Finley are. Chris Kaman sucks, Smush Parker sucks, Al Thornton is good but not that good. In the end, the Clippers have too many mediocre, overpriced players, for the team to function properly.

In NHL news, Brian Campbell has left the Sharks as well for the Chicago Blackhawks. Campbell is arguably one of the best skaters and defensemen in the league, and his departure to the Sharks may hurt their chance at greatness come October. He’s also known for his toughness, being only one of two players who actually played more than 82 games the entire season (based on his trade to San Jose).

This no doubt leaves San Jose a bit weary if they’re thinking about the cup in the future. Then again, a Shark team full of Wayne Gretzizzles could probably choke somehow in the playoffs.

B-Diddy Is Leaving The Warriors (For NY?)

As many of you know by now, Baron Davis may no longer be a Golden State Warrior, or for the purpose of this blog, a Golden State WARRRIAHHHHHH!

B-Diddy has decided to opt out of his contract and become a free agent, basically meaning he’s ready to take that long BART ride home to greener pastures away from Oakland. On the plus side, this frees up some money for the Warriors to use to keep Monte Ellis around and perhaps pick up someone else on the free agent market. This will also help the WARRIAHHHS pay for Don Nelson’s tab at McNally’s Irish Pub out in North Oakland.

Sadly, this is just the beginning of the Warriors foray into the free agency situation this year. Expect many different situations to possibly play our in the upcoming weeks. Biedrins name has been popping up around as a possible mover and shaker which kind of sucks because he brings in blocks, rebounds, and about 90 percent of the metrosexual fan base into Warrior games.

I’m personally waiting for the eventual Warrior crap out that happens every few years. Baron saying “so long” is already part of the equation. The full version would probably go something like this:

((2007-2008 Golden State Warriors) – (Baron Davis + Andris Beidrins) x Monta Ellis + Keith Van Horn) / The Return of Eric Musselman – Don Nelson = 2008-2009 Warriors

Or I wouldn’t be surprised if we just give up on Monta Ellis completely and our organization rests on Brandon Wright’s weary shoulders. That’s not a joke either, I really wouldn’t be surprised. I think at that point I’d probably give up and become a Laker fan since they’re good right now. Hey, it’s pretty much how every other Laker fan this year has come to be.

We’ll have to wait to see how this plays out for the Warriors, but there’s still the matter of what Baron Davis is going to do once he exits the bay. One expert (and I use the term loosely) has already made up his mind on where Baron wants to go:



Surprise, surprise. I’m just shocked Stuart Scott didn’t add a booya or some other over used catch phrase into the mix. What was the reaction Knick fans gave in response to this?

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Don’t worry though, that actually means they’re happy about it.