Cal Bears and The NBA, The Late Post

It's been awhile since I last wrote a post here, and I apologize guys. The Hornets having been knocked out the playoffs hurt me bad. I was protesting the NBA and sports, but happy times have arrived.

I'm proud of our Cal basketball players that entered the draft this season.

Ryan Anderson - 21st pick in the 1st round is now a New Jersey Net!

Devon Hardin - 20th pick in the 2nd round (50th overall) is now a Seattle (Super)Sonic!


Congrats guys.

Wait a minute...who is left on the Cal bball team to cheer for??

Oh yes, that's right:

PATRICK CHRISTOPHER!

I can't complain, cool dude, cool bball player. Ace of Spades, SimonstrumKimnguyen, and I will proudly show support. U12 won't because he's a Bruin and KCCal might, but he's also kind of an asshole.

KCCal: The lady knows me well.

Youtube Sundays: Pork and Beans

This video is handy because it's like I posted 100 different youtube videos into one.

Even I'm Not Sure How I Got Picked So Early

But hey, whatever, it doesn't matter to me. As long as I got drafted.

What's this, I got drafted to....... New Jersey?????

FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK!

U12 Analyzes Southern California and the NBA Draft

Sorry for the tardiness of this post.

Before I get into the debacle that was Westbrook going 4th in the draft, I want to comment on a few things.

So I love the Bulls and I really hope that when John Paxson said Rose is our future, he meant he’s going to cut one of the 4 useless guards we have on the team right now.

Lebron James: The last 2 seasons have proved to the world and to yourself that you are good enough to make it to the Eastern Conference championships, but you are not great enough to win it all by yourself. I’m not so certain Mike could’ve done it with Scottie and Shaq recently informed us all that Kobe couldn’t do it without him. So maybe a new town or a new edition to the Cavs would be good for you. But don’t listen to Jay-Z please. Starburry sucks. New York sucks. Isiah Thomas’ damage will last for years.

Did New Jersey just give up Jefferson for Yi Jian Lian??…seriously. Yi Jian Lian didn’t want to play for Milwaukee because there is no Chinese fan base there…uhh you are getting paid millions to play basketball. STFU (or I’ll slap the dim sum out of your mouth) and get out on the court. Its bad when American athletes start to bitch and moan about contracts, but when you are international you should just thank your stars that you are lucky enough to make that much money. Because no Chinese national team will pay like the NBA does; nor will Euro leagues, the Mexican Basketball League, or the 10 Punjabi’s in India who can dunk and decided to take a break from cricket. And if the Chinese nationals are so offended that you are stuck in Milwaukee, then tell them to pay your fucking salary and bring you back over sea.

The Warriors picked a sleeper. Usually all of their rookies are still asleep when the season begins so what else is new. However, I predict big big things for the Warriors this year. Either they’ll tank in the beginning of the season and Baron Davis will get traded instead of Stephen Jackson (sigh), or this year and last year’s rookies will function together as a great back court and the Warriors will be in the playoffs this time.

Now onto the So Cal Alums:

So OJ Mayo went up, put his cap on, and got off stage with another cap on. As much of a roller coaster as that may have been I’m sure he’s getting paid quite nicely so he doesn’t care. Memphis needs a leader. They thought they had one with Pau and he never turned out to be one so they dumped him for scraps. OJ has the opportunity to run his own basketball team; that’s always nice for a guy who can’t drink yet. Unfortunately for Memphis, they need a 20 point 6 assist performance out of Mayo at the least in order to look like a decent squad next year. Mayo’s rookie season will resemble that of another USC phenom…Reggie Bush. Average statistics, rough time being physical with the big boys will be the best way to sum up Mayo’s first season. I’ve said this before about Darren Collison and I’ll say it for Mayo, you can run around really fast in college and get away with it, but in the NBA it won’t work so well.

Kevin Love, also found bliss in the draft day trade. Minnesota, feeling the burn of seeing Kevin Garnett leave the Wolves and receive a ring all in the same year, is looking for a big man to replace him. Although, his workouts show stand out qualities; I still can’t believe he’s that changed from the same guy who couldn’t jump , box-out, or muscle anyone in the final 4. Nevertheless, if the scouts say he is what he is, he might have a solid season and will surely do better with the Wolves than OJ Mayo would.


Finally, Westbrook…So, there I was, inside the Pauley watching on the big screen UCLA get rocked by Florida, and seeing my dreams of running through Westwood half naked while tipping over cars slowly fade away, when I realized just how good Westbrook was. How out of all the Bruins, he was the only one who just didn’t give a shit and took it to the hole. How his aggressiveness was exactly what a college player needs to make it to the NBA. Last year, however, I saw none of that. Maybe it was the UCLA offense shape-shifting to accommodate Kevin Love. Maybe Farmar provided more opportunities for making such great plays. Whatever the reason, Westbrook did not impress half as much as he did his junior year. Maybe he still has it, and that’s what the scouts saw. But if he comes out looking anything like he did last year; he’d better start looking for a new field to work in.

Everybody Loves a Bulldog

Alas!! NOW we all know where Fresno is. Smack in the middle of California in the Central Valley STILL with ABSOLUTELY nothing to do.

I've heard that there's a bowling alley, a mall, and yeah...Fresno. Of course, their kind of bowling alley is probably equivalent to the Flintstones' Bedrock Bowling


and their idea of a mall is probably a gas station that sells candy bars in one corner, $5 Fresno tourist t-shirts in another corner, Icees in another corner, and more tourist t-shirts in one final corner.

But hey, the David Carr Theory might be working. A few days ago, I didn't even know about their bowling alley and mall. And now, I know about STEVE DETWILER, the hero in Game 3 of the CWS, who went to San Rafael High School here in the bay area.


I'm so into Fresno State's 1st ever CWS title!! Oh baby!! It's so awesome I don't need to type out the entire College World Series, CWS is E-nough! Move over David Carr. Detwiler, maaaaaaaan, once a bulldog, always a bulldog!

Alright, fine. I gotta confess. Sorry if this was a crappy post. It's late, I gotta sleep. College World Series, who cares? The California baseball teams suck, besides probably the Angels and maybe the A's. I'm the baseball writer, so here's my baseball post. Leave me alone, take it out on yesterday's post or tomorrow's.

I'm sure it was exciting for whoever was into the CWS, and props to Fresno State. You deserved it, I guess. But I still don't know what's in Fresno. So will someone please enlighten me?

Kobe Bryant On Shaq's Rap: "I Do Not Find That Amusing"

You think you’re so clever with your rhymes that a seventh grader could only approve. Hey Shaq, here’s a tip about rapping, don’t rhyme “me” and “me” like fifty times.


It’s not a flow if you can’t use more than one word in the dictionary. Another tip, if you’re going to rap, maybe you should try switching up the subject instead of going back and forth between Notorious BIG and yourself. Just because you make shout outs to famous people doesn’t make your rap coherent. I know it’s supposed to be a free style, but the only thing it was free of was talent.

What the hell man, I thought we were buddies and shit. We even hugged and shook hands before our game against each other. Where the hell did this animosity come from?

When I heard the rap, I was going to make my own battle rap against yours, but I didn’t want to stoop down to your level. When I say that, I mean literally, because I don’t think anyone would want to rap with your skills, not even white people.

And by the way, I never had a “taste of your ass” but I’m pretty sure it has a sweet taste since most of it’s made of candy. I’m sure D-Wade could tell you all about it.

Secondly, fuck you. Who the fuck are you to criticize me this season? The last time I checked, you and the Suns pretty much stunk. Yeah, “Kobe didn’t win a championship without me,” well guess what fucknut, you didn’t win a champion with you either. You even had white Kobe on your team and you still managed to fuck that up.

Come to think of it, what have you done lately? Seems like the only time you’re making a headline is when you’re doing something not related to basketball. The only time I really heard about you was when you got traded, and that was that. Running out of things to do? Maybe you can go back to your old attention grabbing standards like saying you had sex with Cindy Crawford or making racist Chinese jokes which no one finds funny. Rosie O’ Donell did the same shit. I don’t think I need to elaborate on that.

Or maybe you can do the other thing you’ve done best, produce crappy ass merchandise. Blue Chips, Shazam, Steel? Ohhh, they’re all great really. If you didn’t catch me laughing at your jokes, all you have to do is pop in a DVD for one of these suckfests and I’ll be on the floor. Sometimes I’m not for a movie, so I’ll just watch an episode of Shaq’s Big Challenge.

Not only has your show helped fat kids lose weight, it helped me lose weight too, because every time I watch it, I want to throw up. Or maybe I should just play a great game of Shaq Fu instead.

I don’t even know what the fuck that was all about. First I play as you, walk into a dojo, and then I’m fighting Mummies? Makes total sense I guess for a Shaq game. I can’t believe kids wasted fifty bucks for this. Hey Shaq, Krusty the Clown wants his gimmick back.

So in conclusion Shaq, go suck a nut, because I don’t give a shit about your two phrase raps or your desire to have people toss your salad. While you’re getting fired from your half a job, I’m too busy hanging out with real celebrities and banging my hot wife and my cheerleading groupies. Enjoy your stint as a freestyle artist, it won’t last very long.

Cedric Benson, The Raiders Are Gonna One Up Ya With All Those Fancy Gadgets

Cedric Benson, upon receiving yet another DUI, was given a 55 million dollar contract by the Oakland Raiders. No, just kidding, the Raiders aren’t that STUPID…

Nevertheless, Cedric Benson did receive a state of the art anti start system for his vehicle; preventing him from driving his car if he fails a built in breathalyzer. How cool is that; Benson has to blow into the breathalyzer in order for it to allow him to start his car.

This got me thinking.

With technology making life so much easier nowadays, we pondered what technological marvels could be used to make the Raiders a Superbowl team.

Calorie Counters

You just drafted a quarterback by the name of JaMarcus Russell via your first pick in the draft. Mishaps occur, contracts don’t get finalized…he doesn’t play his rookie year. Before the 2nd year has even begun, he’s fat. The Raiders could implement a calorie count; whereby you input all of the food items you are about to eat, into a device, and it lists the contents of the foods and whether or not you are allowed to eat them. This can be reported directly to a sports doctor for the Raiders via wireless signal; thus preventing your multi million dollar investment from become Homer Simpson.

An interactive roster

You have no wide receiver, but you have 4 million running backs. It might help to have this virtual roster, you know like the one ESPN has on their website, that allowed the coaching staff to see just what would happen if they got another running back. This nifty device, that was invented about 50 years ago, might have helped the Raiders not wind up with 4 running backs and one spot for them.

A Jewish Statistician

If the Raiders had one of these, they would be able to figure out which players were constantly messing up, and which players were actually playing well. Maybe the Jewish Statistician could hook up with one of my boys down at a call center in India and write a simulation program to show the coaching staff just what the drawbacks are of signing a player with a bad track record.

A low pass band filter to prevent rap/hip hop radio stations from entering the Raiders locker rooms and car stereos.

Lil Wayne, T-Pain, Fat Joe…they are really screwing up the Raiders. Maybe if Javon Walker wasn’t poppin’ bottles like he just won a championship ring…he wouldn’t have gotten knocked upside his head and left in the gutter on the Vegas strip (there were 2 rap innuendos there, one new one old …see if you can get them) .

A penalty taser

Attached to the backs of every Raiders player is a small device that electrocutes them every time they make a dumbass penalty. Off sides on hard-counts, 15 yard facemasks, personal fouls, unnecessary roughness calls…yea all would require tasering. Warren Sapp would be very happy to know that he retired after this was enforced.

David Carr Presents the David Carr Theory

Hey Everyone!

It’s been a while since people out there have heard from me, David Duke Carr, but let me tell you that I’m still alive and kicking! Literally too, because I’ve been learning from the Gramatica brothers the fine art of kicking the ball through the uprights seeing that my career as a quarterback has been rocky. It’s always good to have a backup plan! Let me tell you, those boys sure are a cooky bunch, but they really know how to do an endzone celebration.

You’re probably wondering what I’m doing here on this fine blog considering I haven’t been relevant since 2004. Well, the TPIC has offered me 2 dollars and a coupon to El Pollo Loco in exchange for a post, so I decided to take it. I know a good offer when I see one. Besides, I need all that chicken in order to build up some strength when I lead the Giants to their second straight Super Bowl victory. Eli Manning? Pssht, that guy got lucky. Any quarterback can win the Super Bowl if they have receivers who can catch the ball with their helmet. Even me. Besides, we all know that Manning was just making the seat warm for my arrival into New York. Sure, we’re both number one picks, but I think I got the edge over Eli. Tom Coughlin will never resist my sexy charm.

Well anyway, I wasn’t paid my 2 dollars to talk about nothing. I actually wanted to get out the word that my alma mater, Fresno State, has reached the College World Series! How awesome is that? Who in a million years thought that the Bulldogs could pull it off?

Now, I try to be humble and all, but I really think that the Bulldogs owe there success to me. You see, before me, Fresno State was a barren wasteland in the world of sports. Hell, most people out of California couldn’t even tell you where Fresno is. Actually, most people in California wouldn’t be able to tell you where Fresno is (no the answer is not “near Sacramento”). Fresno was pretty much a trivia answer that only Ken Jennings could get right. But then one fine day in 1999, greatness arrived, and its name was David Carr.

I pretty much broke record after record there at my time in Fresno State. And with all that record breaking awesomeness came some recognition. Slowly, people began to notice this little town in Central California. And with that notice came the scholarships, the funding, the grants, and most importantly the ‘tang. Fresno State was on the map, and it was all thanks to me. I call it the David Carr Theory.

It is true that after I left, Fresno lost some of its glory and mystery that had circled it during the Carr era, but now, it’s back baby! I created the legacy, now Fresno State Baseball Team will continue it. Way to go Bulldogs you did it! I expect my royalties in the mail soon. I mean that’s how it works right? I created a legacy, so now I plan to get my earnings. That’s how record companies do it.

Youtube Sundays: Will Arnett Doesn't Want to Leave Conan

Will: You got Picasso and Beehtovan and the dude who invented Ben and Jerry's out here talking and doing awesome stuff, you're not gonna throw some other bro into the mix.

Conan: What the hell are you talking about?

Awesome.

Don't Fear, There's Other Things To Watch Now That Basketball is Over

As we stated before, now that the NBA season is over, you may be hard pressed to find any relevant sports topics here on this blog. Considering I have somewhat apathetic nature to baseball, the reporting for the MLB and the jokes will most likely be very poor and contain little analysis what so ever. You may expect quality posts from our other contributors but not me.

So, what the hell am I going to do for the next few months before football season begins? Well, in case you weren’t informed, there’s still a cadre of other sports that have little or no coverage in major news sources. Wow, who knew this untapped gold was still lying in the ground all this time? NFL, MLB, NBA, um NHL, ha! How about these fine athletic games?

- golf
- wrestling
- auto racing
- soccer while the ball is on fire
- horse racing
- dog racing
- baby racing

- hunting
- the Presidential Race
- pro wrestling
- mixed martial arts
- curling
- darts
- poker
- scrabble
- watching nerds playing Counter Strike

- extreme ironing
- skateboarding
- volleyball
- beer drinking
- thumb wars
- paper scissor rock
- bum fights

- competitive chicken
- Russian roulette
- Vegas roulette
- counting the amount of hateful comments we get (a lot)
- athletic paint drying
- car surfing
- playing tag with the Police (they always win)
- Golden Gate Bridge sky diving

Wow, who knew there were so many undiscovered athletes out there? It’s going to be a summer of fun!

Look throughout the day for this list to grow and grow.

I'm A Grip of Bummed Out Now That the Lakers Aren't the Champs

Kobe was so not money in Game 6.

Yeah, I pretty much had a soul load of sadness after Game 6. It’s like someone took an a-bomb of tears and unleashed it all over my Abercombie decorated body. Even my various assortments of polos couldn’t cheer me up. I mean, I’m not sure what depression is, but I’m pretty sure I had a chronic case of it. I was even thinking about going to my doctor to state my case. I mean if a pink colored Lacoste can’t cheer you up, then it has to be a medical emergency!

I was so excited when the game started. My man Kobe was warming up and ready to fire in some threes. I mean he’s the MVP! When was the last time an MVP failed to win the championship? Probably never!

Then the game started and they slowly went down and down and down. What happened Kobe? Did you not feel my support and love through the airwaves? I bought a new Laker themed iTouch just for you! You should really see it though, the iTouch that is. It’s sweet. I just downloaded a bunch of wallpapers from all of my favorite sports teams: the Dodgers, USC, the Kings, even the LA Rams. Did you know the Rams played in Los Angeles? Well I sure didn’t!

But then the game was over and we lost. I was down with the sadness to infinite levels. I quickly updated the new Fergie song to ease my pain. Only the wise words of Stacy Ann Ferguson can soothe my pain. She’s the Aristotle of our time.

Sigh, so now with the Lakers losing, what do I have to look forward to? Kobe let me down, and now I have no team to cheer for. Oh wait, I totally forgot that I’m rooting for another team right now. I mean, this team is a winner, and I totally saw their dominance from the start of the season.

I’m loving the Celtics! The big three are so money.

Note: As you notice, the From Around the Blogs section has been missing for a few days. I plan to put this feature on a break but I’ll post my recommended links at the end of the week. Thanks!

7 Things NOT To Focus On Concerning the Lakers Losing

#7. Ronny Turiaf’s Rebounds Statistics

In 6 games, of which he played roughly 60 minutes of game play, Ronny Turiaf tabulated FOUR rebounds. 6 games, 10 minutes a game average, 4 total rebounds. 0.667 rebound’s a game. 0.0667 rebound’s a minute. The guy is 6 foot 10 and weighs 250 lbs how the hell do you not grab a rebound?? This proved to be the demise of the Lakers as they were outrebounded and out-hustled throughout the series. Shame on you Turiaf, maybe if you saved that energy and intensity you blew dancing like an idiot white kid on the sidelines while Kobe did all the work, the series would’ve been yours.

#6 Speaking of idiot white kids, let’s not focus on Luke Walton

As hard as it will be to do so, please forget about Luke Walton’s epic performance in game 1, where the ageless wonder PJ Brown grabbed a rebound over him, by tippy toeing to grab the ball. Why was this possible? Because Luke not only couldn’t jump, but didn’t even bother to try. Oh and to add salt to the wound, he fouled PJ Brown right after that, putting him on the line and putting the Celtics out of reach in the closing minutes of the game. Shame on you Bill for producing a seed that is this incapable.

#5 Trevor Ariza’s minutes

Ariza averaged 8 minutes a game, yet he shot above 50%, played solid defense, had only one turnover in all 5 games he played, and didn’t pick up too many fouls. Prior to his injury he had proven himself as the better defensive guard of the Lakers’ staff. Yet, in the playoffs, when Allen and Rondo were clearly owning the Lakers’ guards, he was sitting on the bench. I’d like to hear Phil Jackson’s reasoning.

#4 Derek Fisher needs to retire

…or at least come off the bench. It’s ridiculous to think he could actually keep up with Rondo. It’s even more ridiculous to think that he could defend against Ray Allen. Because of the matchups he had on defense, he was too exhausted to put up good shots or drive to the basket, let alone see the doctor for a new hip replacement. And I understand why he is in, Farmar isn’t mature enough yet, and there really isn’t anyone else; but things like this should probably be thought about before entering the playoffs.

#3 Sasha Vujacic

Game 6, when it didn’t matter anyway because the Celtics ripped ‘em a new one, was the ONLY game where Sasha didn’t think he was playing NBA Jam Tournament Edition and had the 3 point icon under his belt. It’s awfully nice that you lit up the scoreboard in ONE game, but that doesn’t give you the right to go 1-10, or 1-6, or any other abysmal number. It’s the NBA Finals, a single individual, unless on fire, should not be shooting wildly from the 3 point line, especially when he’s shooting less than 30%

#2 Kobe Bryant’s Defense on Paul Pierce

Umm…wasn’t he defensive player of the year? I know that he wasn’t matched up Paul Pierce throughout the series, but the times that he was, are you kidding me? How are you KOBE BRYANT and you are slipping on a Paul Pierce cross over. Please, stop making fake videos with a has been “jackass” group, and work on your D over the off season buddy. Oh yeah, and reading Harry Potter to your kid before the biggest flop of your life; that’s cute.


#1 The Zen

So there’s a little thing in the entertainment industry called a “sell-out”. A performer, who was once legit and true to their work, that sacrifices all of that for money and fame. Jurassic 5 is a famous sell out. So is Phil Jackson. With the Bulls, you didn’t hear shit about the Zen or any amazing philosophy. Even die hard Bulls fans barely knew what the triangle offense was. With the Lakers, he had a beautifully large gift; Kobe and Shaq together. Shaq and Kobe both needed to be doubled up and so that left the game 3 on 1…kinda easy to win don’t you think? Then it went to his head, so did the money, and so did Phil Jackson’s credibility in my books. When you are up by 24 points and you lose, that’s called being out coached. When you have a double digit lead in 3 games, and lose 2 of them, that’s called being outcoached. When Ray Allen drives straight, and right past one defender, and there is no 2nd defender or big man in the middle to block the layup, that’s called being outcoached. Phil Jackson, there is no other way to put it man; you were outcoached. The Lakers were favored to win this series, and it wasn’t even close. All the analysts are probably idiots; but even still, Phil Jackson’s techniques and strategies just didn’t seem to be brilliant.

Yao Ming Can Never Be As Cool As Max Zhang

Max Zhang is from China and currently is on the Cal Men's Basketball team. At 7'2'' and 220 lbs, he's way too skinny to be a high-impact player. BUT he's got potential, and he's got moves! We're just hoping he gains some....60 lbs before the season starts later this year. Maybe that 60 lbs is unrealistic, and fine, maybe Yao Ming is 7'6'' and 310 lbs, but can Yao dance the way Max can?

I don't think so!



Look at Max move! You have to give him credit. The average American at 6 feet tall could barely handle the Soulja Boy properly. How a 7 ft tall Chinese guy does it is beyond me and probably beyond the law of physics as well.

Here’s hoping this is a sign of good things to come to Cal Basketball. With Mike Montgomery on board, let’s hope that Max develops into a guy remembered for his time on the court, and not remembered for his musical pursuits. Hm... an international Cal transfer student from China remembered for his musical pursuits… why does that sound familiar?

Shit. Punch me in the face now please.

Baseball......Um Yeah..... Baseball...

Unfortunately the NBA season is over, and thus we enter the phase of the sports world that I call limbo.

This is the time of sports when there is nothing on but baseball. I personally find paint drying on a wall painted by Ben Stein more enjoyable.

This is no offense to baseball itself, I just don’t find it very entertaining. Ace of Spades does have baseball knowledge though, so this blog won’t leave too much out from the MLB. I will also try to write some baseball pieces as well, but most of my articles will probably be poorly researched and incredibly stupid.

You can also expect a lot of NFL mini camp posts because I really do miss my Philip Rivers, Alex Smith impersonations.

Awesome.

Youtube Sundays: Smosh Transformers Rap

Out of all the Smosh videos I've seen, I thought this was the most clever and well done. NBA Finals is today, so.. yeah... not much to say and such.

www.smosh.com

It Ain't Over Yet!

No way I'm gonna just turn over and die! Big O is ready to bring on another Big O, as in obliteration. Yeah, bitches, you think I didn't know that fancy pants Harvard word huh? Well guess what, you Boston fucko-s, Harvard ain't even the shit! UCLA and USC, Compton, mother fucka! Time to score and then smoke and shit afterwards.

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL YEAH!

Zen, Schmen, You Guys Better Start Getting Your Sh-t Straight!

24 points. 24 points, fuckers! That’s how much we were up by at one point in the game! How do you let 24 points slide down to only a 10 point lead, then just plain suck it in the 3rd quarter?

Okay Phil, calm down. Remember that Buddhist passage you read about peace prior to the game. Yes, the Eastern Philosophy… that’s it… calming down now…. no…. wait…. murderous rage coming trough… must…. contain…. anger…. can’t….ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!

15 points in the 3rd, and that’s it! Really guys? Really? Even a team lead by Scottie Pippen could score more than that. I should know, because I’ve seen it! Fuck, you fuckers are so lucky that I practice meditation and all that shit, because my mental balance is keeping my from tearing you losers a new asshole!

Vujacic? More like Vuja-shit, because that’s how you played. What happened to all that magic you had on Tuesday? Did you all of a sudden decide, “Hey, I know how I’ll follow that great performance, I’ll go 1-9 on my field goals?” Brilliant, you dumb fuck!

Farmar? I loved that last minute three you made at the end of the game. It was pretty cool; too bad it was the only shot you made all night! This isn’t UCLA, boy. If I want someone to run around the court and take up space, I might as well have called up Shaq again. At least with his fat ass we can box people out.

Odom! Actually, you played all right. I’ll “reward” you after this talk. Just meet me in the alley behind the Staples Center.

And you Kobe, oh Kobe! You hear what they chant when you’re on the court? “MVP, MVP!” Well you know what else an MVP does… he plays defense! PJ Brown dunked on you, and he’s practically my age. Another thing, you’re the leader out there, so lead your men, no matter how god awful they are. I’m looking at you Luke!

What happened to all that yoga and stuff that I showed you in order to help you master your inner Zen and kick unrelenting ass on the court? You think I waste my time with that shit for no reason? It works, damnit! You know what my yoga could do right now? It could reach across this room and kick each and every one of you in the face! Where were your heads out there? And Kobe, don’t say in the Laker Girls’ shower room because that’s too easy of an answer, even for you!

You know who else got MVP chants? Tom Brady! You know what they chant now in Boston? 18-1! Shit, that’s going to happen to us pretty soon… “Western Conference Champs!” And you know what they’ll be chanting in Boston? “NBA Champs.”

C’mon guys, stop pussy footin’ around and get your head out of your asses!

From Around the Blogs:
Postcards from Los Angeles [Empty the Bench]
Famous batting stances [Joe Sports Fan]
Marcus Vick is at it again [Hampton Roads]

ESPN Can Take Some Purdy Lookin' Pictures

After each game of the NBA playoffs, I usually browse through the various photos taken during the nights contest to see if there is any good material I can use for ridicule. Usually the first site I go to is SI.com because their photos are updated rather quickly. However, after browsing through their gallery, I didn’t really find much I could use. ESPN is also a good site, but for some reason, their photos aren’t uploaded as quickly. Maybe it’s slower because the web master was busy trying to bat away Chris Berman’s advances (assuming that the web master is female….or not). However, after a few hours the photos were up, and to my surprise, ESPN takes some pretty amusing pictures. Then again, with an arena filled with celebrities, it’s practically a paparrazi’s wet dream. Let’s take a look at a few of them:

I posted this picture of Gasol yesterday. I stated it looked like he had Captain Howdy stuck up his ass. Upon further review, perhaps he was just gerbilling. Don’t know what that is? Look it up on Urban Dictionary. Then prepare to vomit. (By the way, I only learned of gerbilling from watching South Park, so calm down before you start going Chris Hansen all over my ass).

Here Gasol has his hand to his chest. This lets you know he is pumped up! Yet he still looks like he’s constipated out of his mind. Maybe he just ate a lot of bananas before the game?

Ahhh, so many jokes one can make with this photo. My joke: Kobe was just making sure the ref wasn’t wearing a mic that was giving directions to him from the mafia. Gotta make sure those calls are legit after all!

Who’s that foxy lady next to Jack? Is it a hot date? Maybe it’s just his daughter’s friend? Actually, it’s probably both. And Donald Sutherland kind of seems like he has no idea where he is right now. He actually looks like those stereotypical old, wise blind men that seem to pop up in dramatic movies. Or perhaps he's just drunk out of his mind. Makes sense! Like father like son! (Remember folks, Jack Bauer is just a fictional character, thus I do not fear the repercussions of making fun of Keifer Sutherland, since Jack can't touch me. Then again, I probably should fear the repercussions of Keifer Sutherland himself, which I imagine are far more demented than Jack Bauer's ways).

This is Jordan Farmer doing his best Kyle Korver impression. Observe (Photo via Lions in Oil):


What’s Spike Lee doing here? I thought he was a Knicks fan. My guess, he’s probably here to accuse someone of being racist. No confirmation yet if Clint Eastwood was in attendance.

I know Rajon Rondo’s ankle got banged up during the game but um………..sexy?

I have no idea why ESPN took this photo.

From Around the Blogs:
Now that's a crazy old man [Busted Coverage]
Paul Pierce sure knows how to get ar