Let the Apocalypse Begin

God have mercy on us all.

Kobe Bryant's Life Accomplishments

Getting drafted at 17 years old, right out of high school, really did Kobe Bryant, Mr. KB24, some good. He didn't have to waste 4 more years of his life in college to fulfill some life-long dreams. Still fairly young and at the top of his game, let's take a photographic look back at the things that he's already accomplished.

Win the NBA Championship.

Rap a little bit in between championships.

Win the All-Star MVP award.

Then kick Shaq out of town.

Grow a little fro and rape (or not rape) 19-year-old Colorado girls.

Cry a little bit.

Before buying his hot wife a $4 million ROCK to say sorry.

Change his number to have the ability to do ballet in a game and jump over cars.

Then finally winning the league MVP this year, with the Lakers going back to the NBA Finals again after beating the oh-so-boring-what-took-them-so-long-how-did-they-ever-win San Antonio Spurs.

To celebrate this feat, there was only one thing Kobe Bryant could think of to do:

BANG A LAKER GIRL!!

Did he or didn't he? Who knows. All I know is that the lovely Vanessa Bryant is going to get another nice diamond surprise again. What will it be this time? Diamond earrings? Necklace?

Wilt Chamberlain, 10000 women?? Kobe Bryant's going for the record!

A Break Up Letter to My First Love…The NBA

Dear NBA,

I don’t exactly know how to say this. We’ve had so many amazing times with each other. I defended you against my friend’s so many times. When they told me to be with someone younger and more passionate (ie NCAA Basketball), I told them that I could never betray you. When you let yourself go a little and didn’t appear as sexy as you once were (ie any of the Spurs championship run), I still looked forward to seeing you every morning I woke up. So many moments you’ve provided me. From the great Lakers-Celtics wars where you first captured my heart, to the magical moments of the Chicago Bulls dynasty, life was truly bliss during these times. But now it has to be over.

Was it me? Have I been spoiled for so long that I’ve become completely jaded?... It can’t be since no longer than a year ago today I was telling everyone how amazing you were, and that we’ve had the absolute best time during the playoffs. Buzzer beaters during almost every game. The rise of the (future) King. A monumental upset (The Warriors). Game 6 Pistons-Cavalier. The transformation of Big Shot Bob to Cheap Shot Bob. Derek Fisher’s return in Game 2 during the Jazz Warriors series. It was one of the best summers of my life. But what you’ve done to me this year is unforgivable.

All you care about these days are your looks and image. Constantly trying to portray yourself in the most positive light. Right before the Playoffs began, I was ever so excited to see you. But up to this point, all I’ve come to expect are unworthy candidates to call themselves Champions and uninspiring games that can make even the most die hard fans turn the television. And I know you could sense this break up coming. Thus you are trying to manufacture and manipulate at all costs a way to go back to the good old times we shared. From preemptively scripting our first meeting with shady officially (A Lakers-Celtics match up) to jamming it down my throat that a certain fellow named Kobe Bryant is in actuality the reincarnation of Michael Jordan. I’ve grown tired. Somewhere along the lines you lost sight of what made you so grand. No longer is the game itself enough to sell your product. No longer will you allow incredible moments to be provided organically. It is too tough to love someone when it is all shrouded in lies. So as much as it pains me to say, we will have to go our separate ways.

Sincerely,
SimonstrummKimnguyen

From Around the Blogs:
Hillary Clinton supports the Pats [KSK]
The Pistons have a thing for game 5 [Empty the Bench]
Pat Burrell gets Onion'd [700 Level]

An LA Team Wins Because of a No Call? Surely You Jest

Well, well, well, that was a close one, wasn’t it? Yet strangely, it wasn’t supposed to be that close in the first place. When I saw the Lakers cruise to a 7 point lead with one minute left, I already had some post ideas in my mind, all oozing with sarcasm. What should I write about? Should I do a fictionalized monologue about how Manu totally stunk it up again? Or maybe just something insulting at San Antonio? So many ideas were brewing in my head.

But then I switched back to the game and a turn of events unfolded that almost left me dumbfounded. First Gasol misses the free throws, then Manu hits an amazing three (and I was about ready to trash the guy, figures). Just like that the Spurs were only down by 4. That’s when my interest level slightly raised up a bit, because 4 is still a bit of a deficit with only half a minute left.

Then there was the missed shot and the goaltending call in favor of Parker. Awesome. All of a sudden they were only down by 2, and I already had an article in mind about Phil Jackson totally losing it if the Spurs end up winning.

Fifteen seconds later, with only 2 seconds left on the clock, the set up was complete. The Spurs were in bound on to Barry. Shit, that’s kind of far. Fisher takes him, and Barry fakes. Fisher jumps up in the air and then….. completely elbows Barry in the head. No call?!?! WTF?!?! Barry shoots a miracle, and it falls flat. Game over.

TNT then replays the shot, and it does look like it is a clear foul. Talk about anti climactic.

This is outrageous, right? I mean c’mon, a team from Texas totally getting screwed because of a bad call while a team from LA benefits of it. Who has ever heard of something like that….?

Photo via Deadspin

(Told you something would be oozing with sarcasm)

Oh yeah, that’s right, Los Angeles cannot be defeated by normal means, which is code for rules. I mean to call a foul against LA would be ghastly. The supernatural powers that the city of Los Angeles has over referees have been brought up before. Yet, it seemed that this was only relevant to the college game, who knew it would spill over to the pro side of things? Guess so.

Then again, the foul was committed by D Fisher, who is the NBA’s darling, and the shot was made by Brent Barry. Who is the ref supposed to choose? A guy who has gone through so much with his daughter’s medical ailment, or Brent Barry, who’s um…. white, I guess. Yeah, not really a tough choice.

Plus, the ref on hand was Joey Crawford. I guess if you can’t physically beat up Tim Duncan, you can always beat him up mentally.

But now that that whole officiating fiasco is over, we can look forward to game five in Los Angeles, where it is assured that the Lakers will get away with murder. Literally. Yes, I really mean literally.

From Around the Blogs:
Coaches and corporate management [HR World]
Adroin behind backstop for the Dodgers [Absolute Dodgers]
ESPN addresses the Vanessa Bryant-Laura Lane standoff [Awful Announcing]

Take That Blogspot.Com, Kind Of

As you may notice, The Play in California has been changed from theplayinca.blogspot.com to www.theplayinca.com. No more will there be that annoying little blogspot tag in our url. We are official now baby!

You’re probably wondering why the change? What was wrong with that little blogspot thing in the address? Well the better question to as what is RIGHT with that little blogspot thing in the url? Um.. yeah, I don’t really have a good answer for that either, I was just trying to be dramatic.

In retrospect, our own domain really doesn’t do anything to the website artistically. You can keep expecting the same old great (and sometimes mildly crappy) articles you see daily at The Play in California, with the exception of Saturday and Sunday, which I call the “weekend” posts because no one seems to be on the internet on weekends (according to sitemeter) so at most we just put up a little blib (usually from SimonstrummKimnguyen) and disregard our around the blogs section. You can also expect even worse grammar than before (i.e. run ons). There may be a change in our template coming up in order to celebrate this domain, but that is still in progress, and by in progress I mean it probably won’t happen.

However, there are a few snazzy advantages to having your own domain. What are they you ask? Well (and these are real facts, not stupid jokes that we usually put on our “lists”):

Naming Rights: We have a logo, we have a slogan, we have a company name kind of. If we ever decide to take our earnings (a paltry 27 bucks a month) public, our domain let’s us feel secure.

Credibility: Now instead of being totally not credible, we are now slightly not credible.

E-mail: That’s right! Now you can officially contact us at mail@theplayinca.com. No more stupid gmail for us! Oh wait, we got our domain name from Google, so damnit, guess we do have gmail still.

Ease of URL: Wasn’t that blogspot thing annoying to type?

Well there you have it. Goodbye theplayinca.blogspot.com, hello www.theplayinca.com. Looks like we kind of just took it to the man! (Lame I know).

Tim Duncan Shares His Thoughts On Game 3

Hey Everyone,

Boy, yesterday sure was a great game. I mean I can't believe the Spurs finally came out on top of the Lakers. The feeling is good. Getting those rebounds, scoring those points, it felt very above average. In fact, I think I'm going to celebrate tonight by stepping out of the comfort zone and trying something new. First I'm going to start it off with a real treat that I only allow myself to eat once in a while. I mean I don't want to feel too much excitement everyday, but today is special:



Then after that I'm going to top it off with a real drink. Not boring water, no, I'm talking about a real man's drink:

I just hope I don't get too tipsy!

Even When They Are Dead, Your Children Will Hound You For Money

I'm not sure if anyone else will find this funny, but I thought it was hilarious. Happy Sunday! (In a morbid sense)

How Do You Like Your Ass Served? On A Platter or Handed To You?

Hello sirs and ladies, this is Lamar Odom. He is underrated yet somehow perceived as overrated. He had 12 rebounds yesterday and 20 points. He is a role player. Take notes on who he is. He is ready to prove you all wrong. That is all.

SJ Sharkie's Emo Offseason Adventures

NOTE: I tried to find the most depressing picture of SJ Sharkie, but the way he's designed, he's always smiling. Nuts. This is the best I could come up with.

Hello friends…

Well it’s been a while since you’ve heard from me huh? Let me assure you everything is fine. You’re old pal SJ Sharkie is one tough mascot. You think losing in the playoffs would phase this shark? Well you’re wrong… sigh….

Sorry about that kids. I have to admit that these last weeks have been tough. There are a few times when SJ Sharkie wanted to just beach himself and leave this world forever. There were even a few times when SJ Sharkie would circle around Chinese fishing hot spots just hoping that they would use SJ Sharkie for some shark fin soup. That series to the Stars was a true heart breaker. Yes indeed it was a bleak time for me.

But luckily, SJ Sharkie went and got some help. After a few weeks of therapy, lots of Prozac, and a few sessions of electro shock, SJ Sharkie is back to normal!

You hear that world? SJ Sharkie isn’t scared of you. He’s ready to take on any challenge you throw at him! Even if you throw a 4 OT time game that the Sharks lost… Even if I stayed glued to my TV for practically 5 hours… Even if… oh who am I kidding? I can’t do this anymore!

Someone just point me to a killer whale now… please!

Hold on fwend! I know the same pwain that yew’re going through. I went thwew it myswelf .. Bwaqccckack (inaudible, Donald Duck like noises)

…. What? Someone else understands my pain? Someone else can relate to me. The sun is brighter, the birds are singing....There is a God!

Stay tuned for the emo, off-season adventures of SJ Sharkie and Wildwing.

From Around the Blogs:
Charlie Weis is coming to get you, even if you aren't a hamburger [Awful Announcing]
A look into Mel Kiper's MySpace [Joe Sports Fan]
Willie Randolph thinks you're stupid [We Should Be GMs]

The Play In California Answers Reader E-Mails

Now I know what you’re thinking… people actually send e-mails to TPIC?!?! Yes, I know, this is a shocker indeed, and when I say e-mail I don’t mean spam or a request to help some king of a small African nation (though we do get a ton of those). Actually, this e-mail came from a trusty reader named Geoff:

After seeing your name come up a lot on Deadspin and reading your blog on TPIC often, I'm a little curious about your background. No, I'm not some creepy weirdo trying to get a phone number or address out of you, I just am very curious to how you formed your allegiances.

I am a current NorCal resident who has pretty much jumped on board all the local (East Bay) teams ever since I was a Freshman at Cal (i.e. Warriors, A's, Sharks). The funny thing is I grew up in Kansas City and had season tickets to the Chiefs for 15 years before entering Berkeley. I'm a little curious to how you became a Chiefs fan. I'm not calling you out or anything, but it's not too often you find a Cal/Chiefs/East Bay teams fan all wrapped into one (like me!).

So fill me in on your past and I look forward to hearing from you more on Deadspin and TPIC.

Cheers.

Wow, thanks Geoff! It really is nice once in a while to hear from readers who aren’t anonymous readers. Sometimes, when I see an anonymous comment, I fully brace myself for negative impact. This is a breath of fresh air though. I responded the email with a short hand explanation. However, I decided to elaborate on my alliances here in this post.

To start off, most of my childhood, and therefore developmental stages of sports interest, occurred in the late 80’s/early 90’s. Being a native to the bay, I naturally aligned myself with all of the local sports teams, particularly the East Bay. That meant the A’s, Sharks, and Warriors. I was also a fan of UCLA and Cal sports. The ironic thing is that as a Cal alumnus, I never knew that Cal was the same school as UC Berkeley until I went there. I remember in high school when I got accepted to Berkeley, I griped that “Berkeley has no sports teams.” That’s when a bunch of my friends, dumbfounded, looked at me and asked, “Uh, what about Cal?” They then pointed to a Cal hat that someone was wearing. My response “what about them?”

I also only liked the Sharks, and hockey in general mainly because of The Mighty Ducks. Kids have the worst choice in movies. I should know, because I did. To a 7 year old, The Mighty Ducks Trilogy was practically our Godfather Saga and watching Blank Check was like watching The Departed. I remember wasting many hours trying to perfect the Knuckle Puck only to wonder each time how the hell that guy did it in the movie. I was pretty stupid back then.

But back to the Chiefs.

In the late 80’s early 90’s, which I’ll call the Eighty Nineties, there were many stars in the NFL. There was Randall Cunningham, Phil Simms, Bo Jackson, even Jim McMahon. Yet all of these NFL some what super stars paled in comparison to the king: Joe Cool Montana. He was awesome. My dad is a Niners fan, thus he rooted for Joe Cool. I on the other hand, was just a fan of Joe Cool. I didn’t really care for the Niners. Back then, when I was five, I would pretty much choose my favorite NFL team by the coolness of their logos. And by coolness, I mean gayness. Thus, I was kind of a Dolphins fan, kind of a Patriots fan, and worst of all, kind of a Bucs fan. I mean how could a five year old not be attracted to these logos?


However, when it came to players, Joe Montana was my favorite. I don’t know why, but I just thought that the NFL QB was the most kick ass position in all of sports. In fact I still do. It must be neat to know that you can make a 300 pound lineman drown in tears after crushing his heart with a game winning last drive. It’s something that Alex Smith would like to experience once in his life.

Thus, when Joe Montana left the Niners to join the Chiefs, I followed him. I went from not so much a Niners fan, to a not so much Chiefs fan. Like I said though, those few years that Joe spent in KC were during my own development as a fan. When the day came for him to retire, my development was complete. I became a Chiefs fan.

That’s not me by the way.

So there you have it. Though I am pro CA in most sports, in football I am pro KC. Maybe in future episodes, we can learn how Ms. Auto became a Saints fan or how U12 became a Cowboys fan. Ace of Spades is a Niners fan and SimonstrummKimNguyen is just a fan of whoever he bets on, so no neat origin stories there.

Thanks again to reader Geoff for the e-mail. Hopefully, if we get more e-mails, I can make some more posts like this, because it was fun!

From Around the Blogs:
Championship League shootouts are rubbish [East Coast Bias]
Bill O' R loses it [I Dislike Your Favorite Team]
The Fall of Chad Johnson [Leave the Man Alone]

Checking In On LA's Other Hype Machine (No, Not The Clippers)

Lakers, Lakers, Lakers...Kobe, Kobe, Kobe....Yada yada yada. We all know the Lakers are good this year, and they have a good chance to bring back old memories by making a Lakers-Celtics NBA Finals matchup. All this NBA talk, we can't forget about our female athletes. I gotta give my lady ballers some love. Forget the Lakers for one second, what about the Sparks?!


When I talk about the Sparks, I'm only talking about Candace Parker. Lisa Leslie was the first female to dunk in WNBA history, whoopee doo. She also led the Sparks to the worst record in WNBA last season (10-24). Being pregnant will do that to you and your team. Congratulations, because you got the first pick in the draft, and what a pick you got.

In her WNBA debut, Candace Parker's numbers were: 34 points, 12 rebounds, 8 assists. Add in a couple steals and a block, all while playing the entire freakin' game minus 1 minute!! That is impressive, VERY impressive. Almost a triple double in her professional debut. WOW. And now, the Sparks are first in their conference, 1-0. It's only one game, but that's a big turnaround to tell people that your team went from worst in the league to best. Just don't tell them that the season's only 1 game deep.

On a sidenote, what's going on with our California native Candice Wiggins from Stanford. Playing for the Minnesota Lynx now, how did she do in her WNBA debut?


15 points, 4 rebounds, 2 assists, 4 steals in 29 minutes. Not bad, not bad. 2 of 6 from the 3-point line, she can work on that. Only 1 turnover though, so that's good to see for a guard. She didn't start, but being the #3 pick in the draft, I'm sure she's going to work her game out a bit and start soon for the Minnesota Lynx, who also won their first game, after tying the Sparks for the worst record last season.

These two girls played against each other in the NCAA Women's Tournament Finals just this past winter. Of course, Candace Parker's Tennessee Vols beat Candice Wiggins' Stanford Cardinal. We loved Wiggins back then, leading the Cardinal all the way to the finals just coming short. But now, we get to love Parker, since she's down in sunny LA!

What do we do now? Look forward to a rematch with a Sparks-Lynx conference finals matchup. That'll be fun, won't it? All those 3000 fans cheering like crazy in one lonely section of the arena. Man, what excitement! Maybe, Lisa Leslie will dunk a couple more times and make more history! O boy o boy!!

"WNBA: You're in the spotlight because there's nobody else in the arena to shine it on"

On another sidenote, guess what? I just made TPIC history!! I think this is our first EVER WNBA post!! Woot woot, I rock!! Put me on YouTube now!!

From Around the Blogs:
Man U vs Chelsea in the battle of the hottest WAGs [Sports Crackle Pop]
ESPN Fake Analyst Back To Sex Scam Game [Busted Coverage]
Jason Taylor Sacked In "Dancing With The Stars" Finale [Sports by Brooks]

Oh No, This Again?!

Those of you expecting a rant from Ms. Auto will be sourly disappointed with today’s post. To put it blunt, she’s pretty much has had it with the NBA. But then again so have I. I mean so after all those hard fought battles in the West, we’re stuck with this again:

Shit. It is true that past Spurs-Lakers showdown has given us many memorable plays, like Derek Fisher’s game winning shot with 0.4 seconds all the way back in 2004. Yeah, that was pretty sweet. Games like those are true classics…

…but man, let’s see someone else create some classics! The Hornets were really ready to shake things up in the West. I mean here’s a team that came out of obscurity. They had no MVP like Dallas. They had no 7 second offense like the Suns. They had no Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, or Ginobli. They didn’t even have a Kobe…or did they?


All I have to say is Chris Paul is the man. His effort was hard fought. Yet, now we’re stuck with this match up again. Great. Freakin’ Awesome. Maybe I should start putting on my Mark Madsen retro jersey, because I’ve seen this shit about a million times. Though, I admit it will be a good match up to watch (even if it is the Spurs), it’s nothing new, and when nothing is new, boredom and lack of interest will rise. Not that I was really ever that interested in the NBA playoffs anyway.

Oh well, the bright side is there’s still a playoffs, which mean that we can still make plenty of uneducated dick jokes. Yay!

From Around the Blogs:
Eli Manning sure loves Disneyland [KSK]
On Karma and Good Deeds [Strike Zones and End Zones]
Pete C does Jay Walking... meh [The Wizard of Odds]

The CA Heat is Making Me Lazy

2 days ago, I was supposed to write a post regarding Game 6's outcome of the Spurs/Hornets matchup.

Well damn, the boring-ass Spurs beat the Hornets. I'm a hater. I could say a lot of awfully mean, non-sports-related stuff. But I will just say this:

Boo.

I hate dirty players! Yeah, I'm talking to you Horry!

I write this post...a day before game 7. And in due time, I will be able to celebrate or be sad. And people, you won't hear from me for awhile if my team falls.

What will happen Monday? We can only wait and see. If things go accordingly, the Hornets should be able to maximize on home-court advantage and win. Most teams have been unable to win on the road, and I hope the Spurs get stomped on in New Orleans. It's a tricky post season though. The Lakers beat the Jazz in Utah. And the Pistons were able to beat the Magic in Orlando. It's unfortunate - the game can go either way.

I'm prepared for celebration or for the worst. I've cut back on drinking a lot. But the other day I managed to find my favorite beer at BevMo, and I promise that my alcoholism will pick up with either that win or loss Monday.



A TASTE OF HEAVEN

It's hermit-mode though.
And it's real hot. We Californians can't really focus enough to write a halfway decent post. Instead, we're all scrounging to find the nearest beach, lake, or rooftop to tan on at the expense of the quality of TPIC blogs.


Sorry folks. Stay tuned for an upcoming really really good post...I hope.

From Around the Blogs:
What to watch in the Big East [NE Patriots Draft]
Dan Morgan retires [Pro Football Talk]
Charlie Weis, a product of Spygate [Larry Brown Sports]

Hooray Lakers?

Yay?

So can we be considered Laker fans now?

A Blast From the Past

Today, Ms. Auto was going to write a post scorning the Spurs in their playoff victory. However, I do not know where that post went. Thus since it's Friday and I'm lazy, here's an article I did on the Bears Necessity a while back, just before the draft. Think of it as me being Mel Kiper with none of the research and not sporting the Mel Kiper pompadour. Enjoy!

When trying to come up with topics to write about the obvious one I could have picked was something about the NFL Draft. With many Cal prospects in the mix (DeSean, Lavelle, Stevens, to name a few), there’s much to cover. Hell, even Joe Ayoob might pop up out of no where and make a glorious comeback like Keanu Reeves did in the Replacements. Oh wait, I forgot. In order to make a glorious comeback, you have to obtain glory first. My bad.

Thus, in my first inaugural article, I’ll be analyzing each top potential draft pick from Cal as we head into the draft. Now, I know Avinash offers very serious analysis on this website. Don’t expect the same from me. My “expertise” basically comprises of what I read on ESPN and Sports Illustrated 5 minutes before writing this article, but hey, with that amount of research, I’m already a regular Peter King. Also, because I’m lazy and can only make dick jokes for so long, I’ll only be offering previews for four players, the three mentioned above and Andrew Larsen. Yeah, that’s right, Andrew Larsen. So, enjoy!

DeSean Jackson:

Out of all the players coming from Cal, the obvious one generating a lot of buzz is number 1 himself. He’s fast, agile, and can return punts with ease. Watching DeSean play the last few years as a punt returner has been pretty awesome. He has very Dante Hall like plays, causing defenders to miss tackles left and right. Watching him play as a receiver has been pretty ah-ight. Sure, he’s usually the go to man when Cal needs an air touchdown, but at the same time, his numbers haven’t been exactly mind blowing, and that’s only at the college level. He is a deep threat with his speed, but he’s also a liability with his size. Rivals.com lists him at 172 lbs. I know a lot of guys who are 172 lbs and in decent shape. I’m pretty sure they’d get post traumatic stress syndrome with one Ray Lewis crush, or stabbing. Hopefully DeSean’s conditioning will allow him to withstand it. DeSean has the chance to become the next Santana Moss or Dante Hall. Um, make of that as you will.

Who will probably draft him: Tennessee Titans, Philadelphia Eagles, Dallas Cowboys
Who will actually draft him: Detroit Lions

Lavelle Hawkins:

Lavelle Hawkins has spent a lot of his career playing second fiddle to DJ. He’s been a pretty reliable receiver and quick at shaking off coverage. He’s also the source of the most ridiculous college football chant in the world: the Hawk. The Hawk is basically when you put your arms in front of you and move them as if you had wings. Though this sounds cool, you actually end up looking like a guy with Parkinson’s trying to do the YMCA. His main downfall is his size, measuring up only to about a DeSean. You’ll probably see him fall to around to the 120’s.

Who will probably draft him: San Francisco 49ers, Houston Texans
Who will actually draft him: Detroit Lions

Craig Stevens:

Before the combine, Stevens wasn’t really a hot prospect. Then after the combine, his name shot up faster than a heroin addict going on tour with Motley Crue. People site him as a rare example of a tight end who can actually block, something loss with all these “tight ends” who are basically just receivers. People like Antonio Gates and Todd Heap. That seems kind of like a cheat for those guys to be called tight ends. It reminds me of when I was a kid and we played back yard football. There would always be a blocker who would pretend to block but then come out and be a receiver. When all of us where like “what the fuck man?” he would just respond that he was playing tight end. Lame. Don’t expect Stevens to pull any of that pussy shit around in the NFL. He’d be a valuable asset to a team loaded with short field receivers.

Who will probably draft him: New England Patriots, Minnesota Vikings
Who will actually draft him: Detroit Lions (Millen to front office : “He’s a receiver right?”)

Andrew Larsen:

Larsen is our punter. He can kick the ball real far. Teams who will need him have punters who cannot kick the ball as far as him. Yeah, that’s pretty much all you need to know.

Who will probably draft him: Tampa Bay Bucs
Who will actually draft him: Oakland Raiders, most likely utilizing an early pick. Al Davis will the comment on his own genius while hundreds of fans at the draft laugh out loud.

Well there you go. It's kind of fun looking back to see how my analysis actually worked it. I was pretty much wrong on everything. I guess I am just like Mel Kiper!

From Around the Blogs:
JJ Redick has potential to be an NBA Star [20 Second Timeout]
Tyson vs Kimbo Slice [Sportsaphile]
Baron Davis wants to stay in the bay [The Crossover: Baron Davis]

Put Me Back in the Bullpen, Barry Z Needs to Spend His Cash

Hey, I know I’ve been playing a little better lately, but don’t let that fool you. I just wanted to set up San Francisco for a major disappointment, one that will sting so bad that the Giants will have to put me back in the bullpen. I’ll play decent, giving you Giants fans a glimmer of hope concerning Captain Quirk. You’ll start thinking, hey maybe signing Barry wasn’t such a colossal failure. You may even make some signs for me saying stuff like “From Zito to Hero” or some clever shit like that. Then out of nowhere… BAM! I blow 10 runs in one inning. It’ll be awesome, superb! You’ll want me to stay on the bullpen for the rest of the season.

Ahhh, and that was Barry’s plan all along…suckers! A few weeks ago, when I heard I was heading to the bullpen, my mind literally exploded. Barry Zito is going to the bullpen? Fuck yes! Many pitchers would probably be disappointed with such an announcement, but not Barry Z. No no no. What other pitchers don’t realize is Barry Zito thinks differently. Other pitchers are idiots: why waste your time playing games and destroying your arm in the process? Why risk getting hit by a stray grounder?

Some people would think a pitcher in the MLB would be a bit more professional, you know have drive and integrity and spirit and whatever. Nope, not me. I don’t have time for that shit, you know why? Because spending 126 million dollars takes a long ass time, time I can’t afford to spend starting for the Giants. I mean if I go into the bullpen, I’ll have tons of time to do things other than baseball. What do I have on my agenda, you ask? Well for starters….

- I found this totally gnarly yoga studio down on North Beach. The instructor charges about one thousand bucks per lesson, but it’s totally worth it. A good yoga session is what I need in order to loosen up for a day in the bullpen.

- I heard they’ve been developing Guitar Hero IV. Well I, for about one hundred thousand buckaroos, can get an advanced copy of it before it comes out. Totally wicked! Guitar Hero is pretty sweet. I love playing The Allman Brothers’ Jessica while stoned. I also love listening to the Allman Brothers stoned. Hell, I even enjoy NOT listening to the Allman Brothers stoned. In fact, I’m stoned right now! Sweet huh? (You have any eye drops by the way?)

- Speaking of Guitars, I just bought this sweet new Ibanez SA yesterday. I was going to totally rock out with it on Monday, but guess what? They made me play. Fuckin’ shit man. Do you know how close I was to learning Eruption? Eddie Van Halen himself would have shat in his pants, and it’s not because of the brown sound. Hopefully the Giants won’t pull that kind of shit on me in the future, because I’m trying to learn November Rain. Maybe then I can ditch this baseball thing and fulfill my childhood dream of replacing Slash.

- I also used my money to hire NOFX to play non stop music in my garage. They’re in there right now as we speak. Maybe if I had more time to do shit I would be able to feed and smoke out with them more often. They’ve been starting to bitch at me the same way Alyssa Milano did.

Of course, I realize that blowing all this money could leave me penniless. Silly baseball fans. I may come off as a laid back stoner, but I can be a bit of a business man when I want to. I present to you my 5 million dollar investment… Planet Zito!

It’ll be just like Planet Hollywood except it will be filled only with pictures of me instead of pictures of Bruce Willis and our Governor. Plus it won’t suck.

Planet Zito is going to be the wave of the future when it comes to food, but remember, I need time in order to make this wish come true! So remember San Francisco, you may think that I’m playing pretty good the next few starts, but eventually I’ll screw you over to get sent to that sand covered heaven. My yoga depends on it.

From Around the Blogs:
In the NBA Playoffs, there's no place like home [Deadspin]
Worst of yesterday night in the NBA [Basketbawful]
Gary Bettman, stupid like a fox [Melt Your Face Off]

The Angels Are Way Better Than The Dodgers Because...

...Disneyland is AWESOME!!


*Sigh* Reminds me of good old Splash Mountain. How about the Dodgers?


Ye good olde Dodger Blue....recycling bin.


Angels fans....


Dodgers fans.

Cool gadgets...


The famous Dodger Dog...aka wrinkly weiner that doesn't fit on a bun. But I guess I can't bag the Dodgers too much, since they got this:


But also this:


Yay for pictures. Pictures are worth a thousand words, but so are numbers.

Angels: 24-17
Dodgers: 19-19

And back to pictures to finish it off:


in bright red: WORLD CHAMPIONS!

Sorry for the laziness, hence the pictures instead of words. Hope you read why the A's are better than the Giants!

From Around the Blogs
Hines Ward has no smirre [KSK]
Lo Duca, leave Washington, now! [Mr. Irrelevant]
The Dallas Stars say all the wrong things [Puck Daddy]