Kanye West and Sports: An Analogy Part II

For those of you who missed out, last week I attended Kanye West's Glow in the Dark Tour, and it inspired me to start an entry comparing the Glow in the Dark tour artists (Kanye West, Rihanna, NERD, and Lupe Fiasco) and California athletes. Basically, we're looking at which athletes are most like the artists on the tour. Sorry I didn't finish it earlier, but I'm still recovering from the realization that Barry Zito is capable of winning maybe three games this entire season. In Triple-A.

Anyway, let's move along. Last time we started with comparing Lupe Fiasco to Monta Ellis. Now we move on to N.E.R.D. The way I see it, N.E.R.D. is most like the Oakland A's. People know who N.E.R.D. is, but most people can't name the members of the group. Same with the A's - people know they exist, but do you really know all the guys in their starting lineup? Also, N.E.R.D. isn't a great group, but they're not terrible either. Consistency is the name of the game, and you can say the same for the A's. Also, N.E.R.D. is led by Pharrell, and I've been told that he's hot.

In comparison, if you talk to any female A's fans and start a conversation about the team, by their fifth sentence the hotness of the A's players will have come up. On that note, my girlfriend would be mad at me if I didn't point out that Huston Street is the hottest of all the A's.


Let's just move on to Rihanna.
She was sort of a mystery to me because she didn't really seem to fit in with the rest of the concert. She wasn't bad, but she just seemed out of place. So Rihanna can best be represented by the San Jose Earthquakes.



I guess they're not that bad because they won the MLS cup in 2001 and 2003. But who the hell even knew that? Also, I didn't even realize that the team had moved from San Jose to Houston in 2005, and then they actually re-started the team in San Jose in 2007. I guess that doesn't necessarily make them out of place. But I think soccer is just out place in America in general. So for the purposes of this entry, I'll allow this analogy to stand. (On a side note, I'd like to thank Wikipedia for helping me with this part of the entry since I know nothing about the San Jose Earthquakes or the MLS in general. Also, thanks for the help on my history paper).

Finally, there's the main attraction: Kanye West.


He can be controversial ("George W. Bush doesn't care about black people") and people either love him or hate him, but it's hard to deny his talent. Therefore, Kanye is Barry Bonds. Barry is, of course, controversial (that whole steroids thing), and people either love him (Giants fans), or hate him (anyone not from San Francisco). Also, coincidentally (or not coincidentally) Kanye West has a song on the Graduation album called "Barry Bonds."


I realize that LA fans haven't gotten much love in this whole thing, so I offer up Kobe Bryant as another good Kanye comparison. Kobe is controversial (the rape case) and even though I am a Kobe-hater, I admit that he's a pretty good basketball player. Also, people either unconditionally love him:


or hate him:


So that's your Glow in the Dark Tour - California Athlete style. Maybe next year Barry Zito can be a part of it if a spot opens up on the tour for an overpaid, overrated, crappy rapper. Hopefully Nelly isn't too busy.

From Around the Blogs (Buzz Bissinger vs Bloggers) Edition:
What started it all [Deadspin]
Dan Shanoff's take [Dan Shanoff]
EDSBS's excellent thoughts [EDSBS]

I Told Myself I Wouldn't Cry On Draft Day

"I remember the happy days before this."

Hey San Francisco, what the hell? Where was the help I was supposed get? For the past year, all I've been hearing is Alex Smith can't do this, Alex Smith can't do that, left and right, to and fro, every freakin' day. It really bums me out when I turn on ESPN and I see Skip Bayless yammering on forever about how much I suck. It's a real confidence downgrade.

What people don't get though is it's not my fault. How the hell am I supposed to develop as a quarterback if I don't have anyone to develop with?? You really expect me to become the next Eli Manning with the receiving core that I've had in the past few years? Who has Eli had? Oh, I don't know, Plaxico Burress, Amani Toomer, Jeremy Shockey to name a few. Who do I have? Arnaz Battle, Bryant Johnson, Darrell Jackson. Darrell Jackson? What the fuck? A team of 4th graders playing a pick up game wouldn't want Darrell Jackson. I seriously vouched for Randy Moss last year, I don't know how that translated to a reject from the Seahawks.

Even once the season was over, I was really hoping that we'd pick up someone from the free agency. Too bad we got Isaac Bruce. I remember him, when I was in like fifth grade. Isn't he collecting social security?

Then the draft came around. "Now I'll finally get the receiver I need," I thought to myself. Maybe a Doucet or Hardy. Even maybe a DeSean Jackson. He's the kind of play maker I could use, with all that speed to burn corners. There I was in my living room, surrounded by all my friends and relatives, ready to hear the receiver that we'd be picking in the first round. I even had my Jerry Rice jersey on just to make the point.

…And with the 29th overall pick in the draft, the San Francisco 49ers select….. Kentwan Balmer?!?!

Man………………………………….

Another defensive guy? Wasn't P. Willis enough? I mean, he's practically a whole defensive unit by himself. He doesn't need help. You know who needs help…. Alex Smith needs help, that's who.

Then after that let down, I waited, and waited, and waited for a receiver to be picked. I saw so many great guys get taken. Devin Thomas, Eddie Royal, even that white guy from Kansas State, all to different teams, none to San Francisco. Just like that, Day 1 was over, no receivers for me. As the day died down and I became more sober to the fact I would be WR-less, I went into my room and played my favorite Dashboard Confessionals song. It's the only thing that helps me get through days like these.

Day 2 rolled around and we finally got some guy from Virginia Tech in the sixth round.

My analysis: six rounds too late. Sigh. Now it's Tuesday and Alex Smith is blue. Coach Martz has me looking over our draft picks for a team meeting tomorrow. He tries to cheer me up, saying he'll make things better, but he doesn't know. He doesn't know the burden of being Alex Smith, no one does. The 49ers got me all excited and filled with hope, only to smash my heart like and leave me drowning in a pool of my own tears. Sniffle.

It's okay Alex, don't cry. Be a big boy. Nothing can make this day worse, right?

Goes to front page of Deadspin.

Man……………



Puts on Boys Don't Cry by The Cure

If only it were true Robert.

From Around the Blogs:
Suck it EA Sports NCAA Football gates [Loser With Socks]
Muhahaha, the Hawks are this year's GS Warriors [Hawks Basketblog]
For the ladies from the ladies: Jared Allen [Ladies...]

Well That Was Dissapointing, Zito

Sunny Monday afternoon in the beautiful city of San Francisco. Barry Zito pitched yesterday. He blew six runs in one inning. Work harder to make sure that it doesn't happen again? Heck no! He has no time to practice, not with this California heat coming on.


That's better. Believe me....it'll help him. There's nothing that will help him focus more on baseball than not thinking about baseball. It makes total sense.

This has been another episode broadcast live from Planet Zito. Next episode, Barry shakes off a 14 run inning with some Guitar Hero. Either that or a pity date from Alyssa Milano.

The end.

**Update: Planet Zito has now moved to the bullpen. More time to surf and play Guitar Hero, err I mean fix his game. (Being a Giants fan, hopefully it helps...keyword, hopefully.)

From Around the Blogs:
An open letter to Mr. Zito [Apples and Moustaches]
Pat Cowan out for season [Biz of Football]
About errors and ERA [Cobra Brigade]

The Curse of Spaulding Field

On Thursday night, when the UCLA Bruins took the field for practice on Spaulding Field in Westwood, this is what their depth chart at quarterback looked like:

#1 Patrick Cowan
#2 Ben Olson
#3 ?
#4 ?
#5 ?

After about 10 minutes of practice, it looked like this

#1 ?
#2 ?
#3 ?

That's because in the span of around five minutes, Patrick Cowan tore his ACL and Ben Olson broke a bone in his foot. I have it on good authority that Cowan is done for the year and it's already out in the press that Olson is out for 2-3 months. Let's count the number of football games the rest of UCLA's QB's have played in Division I, shall we?

1...

2...

Whoops. Overcounted. It's 1.

It really sucks for Ben Olson, because obviously the dude is made of glass. His devastating injury to games completed ratio is now at 3 games to 5. I don't think the guy can stand at a urinal without at LEAST tweaking an ACL.

But you know what must be the shocking part about all this? That most diehard bruin fans (like me), aren't shocked at all. Nope, this is pretty much standard fare for us. So much so that my former roommate, upon hearing the news, started LAUGHING. Personally, I didn't think it was funny. I'm a pretty dedicated fan. I run a friggin' ucla blog. I didn't laugh, I had a heart palpitation.

So it all started here:



About 3 weeks after Ben Olson released the ball, an Arizona DT took his knee out. Olson never played again in the 06 season.

The next year, in UCLA's 3rd game, Olson (and the rest of the UCLA team) got whallopped and sat out a game with a concussion. Cowan, in his stead, took the reins and performed quite admirably in his first game. And tore his MCL.

Olson came in the next game against Oregon State. Much to the surprise of UCLA fans, Olson wasn't shot or shanked and was able to complete a game.
The confusion over why Olson wasn't injured in the Oregon State lingered for the entire week before the Notre Dame game.

Then, Olson tore his LCL. You're not an idiot: I didn't know it existed either. You should try watching the UCLA QB's practice for a week. Afterwards, you should be able to teach sports medicine at an accredited university.

So, Olson's out. Who comes in? Some white dude. Yeah, the other two guys are white, but they weren't named "McLeod Bethel-Thompson." Wow. Bethel-Thompson, a redshirt freshman, had quite a learning curve to overcome. It was so steep that, in fact, he didn't realize he was completing passes to the OTHER blue and gold team on the field until halfway through the 4th quarter. Bummer.

But it was all good, cuz Patrick Cowan came back next week against Cal! And whooped em! And survived the whole game against Washington State! Again, UCLA fans were perplexed. TWO entire games without a QB injury? What was going on???

Again, the confusion ended the next game. Cowan's knee got screwed up all over again against Arizona. Osaar Rashaan comes in and performs admirably. Not as a QB as much as a scrambler, but hey when you're at 4th string you'll take it. Osaar himself completed a game against Arizona State, but was pulled after the first half in the next game against Oregon in favor of...BEN OLSON. He's back! and he finished the second half! Time to party!

Yet, Cowan was named the starter against USC. And after UCLA got its ass kicked, he came out in the 3rd quarter. limping. This time, it was his knee. Hey! what a shocker! Dorrell gets fired. Olson is set to start for the BYU game.

But he tweaks his knee in practice. UCLA loses to BYU. Neuheisel gets hired, hoping not to get the same kind of bad luck that Karl Dorrell got in his last year as UCLA's head coach.

Well, so much for that.

Al Davis's Super Secret Draft Notes

The NFL war room is the most sacred of places among football during the draft. Lord knows what the hell goes on behind closed doors (unless you’re in the war room of Mike Holmgren, then it probably involves a chili burger). For every other team in the draft, it is a place of secrecy where coaches and owners alike analyze the living daylights out of players who will most likely fail their team either through poor play or a sex filled booze cruise.

Fortunately for us and our viewing public, we’re like this (does a fist pump) with Al Davis. We befriended the multi millionaire owner of the Raiders at the annual Raider Christmas fundraiser for the Oakland children’s hospital, which was really a ploy for him to literally suck the youth out of children (he has a special youth sucking vacuum). He enjoys our posts about Marty Schottenheimer because it reminds him why he never hired that loser.

Al was kind enough to lend us a copy of his draft day notes, giving us a small glimpse into the inner workings of a football mastermind:

- McFadden is number one priority, fuck Justin Fargas and his humanity.
- Draft Matt Ryan to piss off Kansas City. Proceed to cut his hand off and send to Herman Edwards via Raider Mail.
- Create Raider Mail.
- Trade newly acquired Javon Walker to Jets for 6th pick.
- Draft Chris Long with 6th pick.
- Sign Long’s contract on Howie’s flat top.
- Make realization we drafted the wrong Long.
- Renegotiate trade with Jets, giving them our 2nd round pick for Walker, Chad Pennington, and a future 1st round pick (Jets naturally will think this is a sweet deal).
- Join with Jet fans as they pelt their team with feces.
- Watch Lions take Jerod Mayo….. just kidding. Laugh as they draft a random wide receiver while Matt Millen bold proclaims his genius.
- Plant camera in Belicheck’s duffel bag. Send incriminating photos to The Dirty.com
- Partake interview with ESPN. Ask Chris Berman how he retains his youthful looks. Learn new soul sucking technique.
- Take 30 min break to watch Dora the Explorer.


- Lunch with Darth Vader. Discuss topics such as evil, greed, and Rock of Love II.
- Ask Janikowski to nail a 45 yard field goal as if his job depended on it. Janikowski misses. Draft new kicker. Shoot Janikowski.
- Hire “cleaner”
- Tell Mel Kiper his draft predictions were very accurate. Watch him fellate himself.
- Hint to ESPN about moving the Raiders to Los Angeles.
- Move team to Los Angeles.
- 2 hours later, move team back to Oakland, raise ticket prices 25 percent.
- Appear on the NFL network. Ask them to computer enhance his age, much like they did to Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellan in X-Men: The Last Stand. Smile with glee that people now think you’re 98.

I'll also be writing a weekly segment over at the Bears Necessity. You can check it out here.

Worst Father-Son Tandems in Sports

I’m sure you’ve all been hearing the hoopla about Chris Long as we approach D-Day (Draft Day for the NFL, Dooms Day for Jet fans). You know the story, Chris Long, the stellar defensive end of Virginia seems to be the heir apparent of the Defensive kingdom, handed to him by this guy:

Adding more to the dramarama (click the link. God that’s such a sick song), is the possibility that Chris Long may go to the Raiders, especially since Jake Long is out of the mix. The media seem to be having a field day with this possibility, making a bunch of noise about Chris playing for Howie’s old boss, Big Not-So Gay Al Davis. Supposedly there’s bad blood between Howie and Al, but when I googled it, I failed to find any credible article describing the said blood. Figures.

I personally think the Raiders will have the opportunity to draft Darren McFadden by the time it is their pick. This leaves Justin Fargas wondering “what the fuck, man?”

Regardless of where Chris Long ends up, he no doubt has the tough task of trying to escape the shadow of his father. That’s no easy job. C’mon, we’re talking about Howie Long here, star of Broken Arrow, endorser of flat tops, husband of Teri Hatcher.

Not that it hasn’t been done before. Obviously, the Manning brothers have proven that their careers will skyrocket above daddy’s. Barry Bonds also seems to be living up to his dad’s name (minus the steroids thing). Yet, for every great father son combo, there also seem to be bad ones. People have already made lists about great father son teams in the past, but not many have listed the not so great ones. Here are some famous examples of offspring who may not have inherited daddy’s genes. For every Michael Corleone, there’s also a Fredo.

Bill Walton – Luke Walton


It’s not that Luke isn’t a great role player; he’s just no Bill Walton. Judging from this year, with his injuries and inconsistency, for the next few years, he’ll be known as Kobe Bryant’s personal towel boy and cheerleader. Maybe the experience will humble him a bit, because it seems he did inherit his father’s famous flair. I remember one particular incident when Luke Walton was naming his five favorite players in a little snippet during an ESPN broadcast. Bill was number 2, falling sharply behind Luke’s all time favorite player…..himself. Bill, who was commentating, retorted “I’ve failed as a father.” Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Don Shula – Dave Shula


One is arguably one of the greatest coaches in all of professional football. Don is the all time leader in victories and led his famous ’72 Dolphins to the NFL’s only perfect season (and he didn’t even need a camera to do it!). Dave on the other hand played one year as a wide receiver for the Baltimore Colts, making him kind of like Eric Crouch. He did slowly compile a coaching portfolio, and when he finally got a head coaching job he truly shined, leading the Bengals to a 19-53 record over four years. Jesus Christ, how did he last so long? He must have been Matt Millen’s guru on keeping your job despite their incompetence.

Archie Manning – Cooper Manning


Now before the board of spinal stenosis sends me an angry email or two, hear me out. It’s not that Cooper wasn’t a great athlete. I’m pretty sure had he not gotten the spinal disease, he’d probably have an illustrious career (he could have been Wayne Cherbet before there was a Wayne Cherbet). It’s just that this is an analysis of offspring who didn’t thrive as much as their dads and Cooper clearly didn’t. Don’t feel bad though, he must have a pretty kick ass life. His two younger brothers won the Super Bowl, but as an older brother, he has the right to kick their asses whenever they want. I’m sure having the ability to lay a beat down on the Manning Brothers is the fantasy of several overweight NFL fans.

Nolan Ryan – Reid and Reese Ryan

Reid and Reese both wanted to follow in their dad’s footsteps, as they were both pitchers in the amateurs. Too bad nobody told them they kind of sucked. Oh wait, somebody did, because they’re not pitching now. Instead, they help run the minor league Round Rock Express in Texas. Oh, the team is also owned by dad also. What a fortunate coincidence!

Bruce Jenner – Brody Jenner


Before Bruce Jenner was known for step fathering Kim Kardashian, he was practically an American hero. He won gold in the decathlon in 1976 and gained the reputation as an all around athlete. Surely he could do no wrong. Then he had Brody Jenner.

Ahhhh, Brody Jenner. The model douchebag for all young aspiring douchebags in America. He certainly has all the credentials. Lives in Malibu? Check. Dated Nicole Richie? Check. Former “model”? Check. Living off daddy’s riches? Double check. Certainly Jenner has built up quite his douchebag resume. Why, he’s right up there in the big leagues, next to Mystery the Pick Up Artist and Zach Braff. Congrats Brody, it truly is an honor!

Of course all of these athletes pale in comparison to a historic apple that fell FAR from the tree…

Josef Stalin - Yakov Dzhugashvili


I’m sure I don’t need to introduce who Josef Stalin. Yakov on the other hand just wasn’t skilled in anything (though he may not have inherited Josef's penchant for evil). Being the loving father that cold Joe was, he naturally drove Yakov to suicide. When the suicide attempt failed, all Josef said was “he can’t even do that right.” Wow. That’s all I have to say. Wow.

UPDATE: Because I can only write so much in one post without boring all you readers, please feel free to add any father son teams I failed to mention, as some people have already done in the comments. Have fun!

From Around the Blogs:
Brett Favre is on the Madden Cover, Aaron Rodgers most likely to inherit the curse [WIth Leather]
A look at the Niners O-line [49ers Gab]
NFL Draft Diary [EMQB]

Dallas is about to MAKE IT RAIN!!!!!

"Damn, I really thought he was serious about this wrestling thing."

Please note that this post has nothing to do with California. U12 was just overfilled with commentary about Pacman that he needed an outlet to spill the beans.

Pacman Jones was traded to the Cowboys today, leaving America with mixed emotions. Some think this is a stupid move for Dallas; as Pacman will never mature. Some think this is a brilliant move; since Jerry Jones was able to control crackhead Michael Irvin and Leon Lett and Deion Sanders and …well you get the idea. And finally, there are those who think that Barack Obama needs to stop shouting out stolen catch phrases he found off the internet when giving speeches.

In the end, the Pacman’s addition will prove to be another risky success for the Cowboys. His presence will be felt more off the field then on; and surprisingly in a good way. By trading for Pacman, the Cowboys have admitted that they blew it with Roy Williams. They got too excited when he laid out receivers for his first 2 years and forgot to pay attention to the number of touchdowns he gave up, the number of white tight ends that juked him, and the number of sheer mis-reads he’s made over his career in the NFL. Well, hopefully the signing of Jones puts an end to that. Yes, Jones is not a safety, but he is a lockdown corner. And by signing Jones, it should mean that Dallas is concerned with getting beat by the passing game; thus scrutinizing the play of those who can’t defend. And since they acquired Ken Hamlin a year back, maybe this is the final piece before they put Roy Williams on the bench. At least that’s what I hope.

With Pacman Jones strengthening the other corner position, Dallas can be more aggressive up front. Maybe now they won’t give up 5 yards a carry to every team with an adequate running game. The 3-4 scheme the Cowboys run is beautiful when the team can blitz and put 8 men in the box; and I truly believe Pacman’s addition can allow the Cowboys to do just that.

With Terry Glenn coming back as well, Marion Barber being the sole running back, and Tony Romo one year more mature, Dallas looks just as promising as it was last year, and definitely could win it all. Then again, these are the same Cowboys that dropped a game winning completion to the Giants, allowing a questionable team to pull off one of the biggest upsets in NFL history…the same Cowboys that botched a chip shot field goal in the playoffs in the same year that they allowed the Redskins to block a game ending field goal, recover, accept a face mask penalty, line up and kick the game winning field goal…all in 15 seconds of game time.

Now onto the more important Pacman news…here’s what we think the “welcome to Dallas” party will be like.

100 strippers, 1 million dollars in ‘Ones’, Deion Sanders, Michael Irvin, Larry Allen, Roy Williams, Terrell Owens, and Pacman Jones in the VIP section. Jerry Jones will show up to get a lapdance and to slip a message to Pacman saying “shape up or I’ll kill you…Texas style”. Paul Wall will be outside in a candy coated ride holding up some purple drank. Mike Jones will still be trying to get the DJ to play his track, all the while yelling MIKE JONESSSS (please stop already). Mark Cuban will be in the corner plotting a scheme to have Jason Kidd beaten up. Jason Kidd will be beating his wife (ouch). Whoever the hell owns the Texas Rangers will also be in the club, throwing the 50 bucks he got for selling the Rangers at a single stripper; who eventually rejects his plea to have a lapdance. Jessica Simpson will be there too; no, not stripping, but trying to find Tony Romo, who actually is at Carrie Underwood’s pad. Ah, Dallas will definitely be rockin’ that night.

Take that Jessica!

From Around the Blogs:
Boston Fans Are Cool.....Ha! [The Hater Nation]
Big Daddy Drew's draft Jambaroo [Deadspin]
Fantasy baseball notes [Fake Teams]

Sharks Win in 7 Games, Should Have Been 4

"Yes! We proved that our 2 seed is justified, kind of."

I’m no watcher of hockey, I think I have made this very clear with a total of only like 5 hockey posts. I think the last time I saw a hockey game was when I saw like 10 minutes of Mystery, Alaska which was showing on TNT. Even when I do post something about hockey, it’s usually pretty mediocre, unless of course I’m using San Jose’s favorite mascot to encourage kids to read.

Nonetheless, it is the NHL playoffs, I am from San Jose, and the Sharks did play a rather crucial game yesterday in the Silicon Valley. Thus, enter KCCal the bandwagon. Hey, I liked hockey okay, when I was a kid. I mean I saw the whole Mighty Ducks trilogy, even the last movie which was extremely shitty. You try sitting through all three movies! Only a real hockey fan would do that.

Coming into tonight’s game, I was actually concerned. My limited NHL knowledge told me that the Flame’s Joey I was ready to tear it up on the Sharks. Plus, the last game, I noticed the Sharks did look rather terrible. And by “noticed” I mean I saw the score update on ESPN and noticed that had lost. In either case, the Flames actually had the Sharks on their heals, and I was scared.

Then the Sharks took a huge dump all over the Flames.

Not that I’m surprised. The Sharks should have been doing that the first four games instead of taking it to seven. Four goals in one period is pretty sweet though. That pretty much sums up the game. Jeremy Roenick took a whiz and doused the Flames with his two goals. By the time it was the 3rd period, the game was already over.

Calgary did score a goal in the 3rd period, but that fact was pretty much irrelevant by the half of the 2nd period.

What was surprising was that it went all the way to game 7. As I recall from several “credible” media outlets, this was supposed to be a warm up game. Maybe the Sharks just wanted to give their fans something to go crazy about. If they had finished the series in four, Sharks fans would have only had the luxury of attending 2 home games. Instead, they squeaked it out to 4 home games, giving ticket holders their money’s worth. Talk about giving back to their fans!

Some of you note that there was another California hockey team in the playoff mix.

Why wasn’t there a post about them? When will there a be a post about them? When we get someone who actually watches hockey, that’s when. Until then, I’ll be looking forward to things that will cover that time span like Desean Jackson getting drafted, the Cubs winning the World Series, the invention of the hoverboard, and my funeral. Besides, we don’t post anything about losers. I stand corrected.

Big ups to Calgary for hanging tough. Actually, on second thought, forget that. They are from Canada after all.

From Around the Blogs:
Tim Tebow is the next Romo when it comes to smiles [Busted Coverage]
Where have all the African American pitchers gone? [Sports Tsar]
Eli Manning becomes and man, proves he is not gay [KSK]

Kanye West and Basketball, An Analogy: Part 1

In the time that has passed since my last entry back in mid-March, Kansas won the NCAA championship, pretty much anyone who was able to declared for the draft, the baseball season started, the Warriors failed to make it into the playoffs, the NBA playoffs started, and Miguel Tejada aged two years.

Anyway, I'm back now. As you may have figured out, I've been sort of busy, but on Friday night I attended Kanye West's Glow in the Dark tour out at Arco Arena. The show was awesome, and I got to thinking - which California athletes are most like the artists on the tour? It was sort of a random thought, but hey - it's given me this entry so I'm okay with it.

This post is actually doubly inspired by something I heard Gary Radnich say on the radio today. By now, people have heard about Deshaun Stevenson saying that LeBron James is overrated; and they also know that LeBron is now up 2-0 on the Wiz. He then made an analogy comparing LeBron to Jay-Z, and Deshaun to Soulja Boy. Probably a fair comparison. LeBron is the king, and Deshaun is a one hit wonder.

On a completely separate note, when I was walking out of the bathroom at Arco, I saw Sacramento Kings forward Francisco Garcia walking down the hallway. Needless to say, I went up to him and shook his hand and then thanked him for being on my fantasy basketball team this year. Another fan then informed me that Ron Artest and Kevin Martin were also at the show, which made me realize that I should have asked Francisco if he was glad the Kings sucked this year and missed the playoffs so he would be available to see Kanye.

Anyway, let's get back on track. Just as some background information, the tour consists of Lupe Fiasco, N.E.R.D., Rihanna, and Kanye West - and that's the order that they appeared.

So let's start with Lupe Fiasco - the up and comer. Lupe sort of appeared out of nowhere. He had a pretty strong fan base for a while after his first album, but then rose to mainstream stardom after his second album. Now, Lupe Fiasco is that rapper that's "cool" to like. Even if you don't really know any of his other songs besides "Superstar" you still tell all your friends, "Oh yeah, dude, Lupe Fiasco is the shit" because you think it'll raise your cred.

Therefore, Lupe is most like Monta Ellis. Monta is the guy who people love and believe is going to be a star in the NBA. After last season, only Warrior fans really knew his awesome potential. But after this past season, everyone in world is wild over Monta, even though it's still really only Warrior fans who get to see him because no one outside of the Bay Area watches Warrior basketball. Even out here in Davis, I don't get to watch Warriors games on FSN Bay Area (or Comcast Bay Area or whatever the hell it is now) because they black the games out to force people to watch the local Kings games. So I only get Warrior games when they're on national TV, meaning I see the same amount of Warrior games as someone who lives in Vermont. Anyway, we're getting off track here. Basically, Lupe is Monta.

Part 2 coming up soon...

From Around the Blogs:
Obama vs. Clinton on the WWE was probably the most stupidly funny thing that happened yesterday [PoliJAM]
Inside the NBA does the prom [Odenized]
Danica Patrick makes a bold statement in racing, sort of [The Angry T]

How Many Athletes' Wives/Gfs/Groupies Have Posed for Playboy? (Possibly NSFW, Major Boobage)

Before anyone makes any accusations that we are sexist, please note this post was written by Ms. Auto.

Years ago, I was a fan of the 49ers. Alright, I still am. Behind my Saints, they WERE the team. I thought about the 49ers, their present, and their past. Then I thought about the upcoming draft and how I don’t want the Cowboys to draft Cal's DeSean Jackson, because honestly, I don’t want the Cowboys to get better.

But by next week, things will be figured out. And at the end of the season, only one team can claim they are the best. For the rest of the players of the rest of the teams, they go home, party, cry, whatever…and some of them come home to some really hot wives (ie. 2004 Playmate of the Year)

Jeff Garcia, how the heck did you get that wifey?

Didn’t Terrell Owens accuse you of being gay? Look, as much as I hate T.O for leaving the Niners (just like Deion Sanders…BOO to YOU!) and going to Dallas, I don’t think his statements go unmerited. Sure T.O. is obnoxious and full of himself, but really, what does he have to gain? All I know is that Mr. Jeff Garcia is now 38 years old, and without the hope or chance of getting the Buccaneers to the Superbowl like say, Favre had with the Packers.

And let’s just get down to it: Garcia is no Favre, so why the heck doesn’t he retire already??

I mean LOOK AT HER! Damn you Carmella DeCesare, I thought I was comfortable with myself, and there you go just messing up my self-esteem. Geez, I am so jealous.

I’m with T.O. Jeff Garcia, you’re nearing 40 years old. And if you’re still trying to play football (knowing you won’t win) instead of going home to Carmella, you’re a fruit. You probably enjoy looking at and slapping hot, sweaty football player’s asses as much as I do. And that’s not good.

Let me, Ms. Auto, set aside a little time to just say, "oh yeah"


Go MARSHAWN LYNCH!

Anyhow, I figured that after looking at pictures of Carmella, why not beat myself up a little more by researching other hot athlete wives, girlfriends, fiances, whatever..

Here’s eye candy for you gentlemen (I am only focusing on athletes associated with CA, because after all, we are THE PLAY IN CA):

Tito Ortiz, from Huntington Beach, (GO UFC!!!!) is with Jenna Jameson =0


A former Sacramento King, now New Orleans Hornet, Peja Stojakovic’s wife, Aleka Kamila, is damn beautiful:


Reggie Bush’s curvaceous lady (coming from southern CA):

this sex tape is what made her
but to do her justice, here's another picture:


I had to add this picture:


Tony Romo, born in SD, and his Texas gf Jessica Simpson…haha

I'm still not over the tuna deal

Hollywood’s David Beckham and his Posh Spice:

I think she's tooooo skinny now

But as a woman, again I must add a picture to balance this all out:


Alex Smith’s fiancé and former Oakland Raiderette, Elizabeth Barry:


Jeff Gordon, was in Vallejo, CA for some time. Here’s his wife Ingrid Vandebosh.


Tiger Woods is from CA. Bet you didn’t know that. Bet you don’t care. Here’s his Swedish wife, Elin Nordegren:


Eat your hearts out men.

Oh yeah, I'm not sure how many of these ladies have posed for Playboy. For sure Jenna, Kim, Carmella. Is that even an issue?

To the real ladies of the world, don't look at these pictures and get discouraged. Instead, to you trophy women, I say this:
“I eat real meals and all that wonderfulness. And I can chug beers! Hey Carmella, Kim, Posh, can you? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
I hope you enjoy your oatmeal, bitches.
I'll be at Everett and Jones for some ribs and cocktails.”

"with extra sides"

P.S. Because I like Alyssa Milano, I just wanted to post pictures of her. Hope you like that KC Cal =)

Miguel Tejada Admits He is 33….That’s Young?

So today Miguel Tejada reported he isn’t 31, but in fact 33 years old. And before this gets made a mockery of, I would like to address this more seriously for a moment. And before you read this, Id like to apologize to anyone who thinks I’m being racist.

People rarely realize how small the majors actually are. Each team has 9 starting players, and a good sum on the bench; but even that amounts to about 500 players total give or take some. 500 major league athletes, and this game is played by little kids in 3rd world nations in South and Central America with the hopes and dreams that they’ll be the next Sammy Sosa, Alex Rodriguez, Roberto Clemente, etc etc. What makes it so hard for these kids is that they grow up, talented enough to achieve such dreams but never make it out of their communities. Scouts rarely come check out these countries because of such heavy talent coming in from players within the United States, and if they were looking for dark talented athletes, there are lines of black men just waiting to be signed. And even when scouts to come, you have loud mouths like Gary Sheffield who start bitching about how the talented black man isn’t getting his opportunity anymore. And everyone’s forgotten that baseball is the American pastime; what about all those white kids who play in their backyards with the same hopes and dreams. And now Japanese and Chinese players want to get in the mix…so who gets in and who has to stay at home and watch the game on TV, if you even have a TV for that matter? After all baseball is just like everything else in life, just another business that has profit as its highest priority. And the majors have no reason to expand just to let in all kinds of races; it’s the American dream, not the Puerto Rican dream, or the San Salvadorian dream. And it probably would lower the quality of the game anyway; I mean they need a 7th inning stretch just to get people to wake up already.

So it really isn’t shameful of Miguel Tejada to lie that he was 17 years old when he was first brought into the Majors because if he actually told the truth, he probably would have a couple million dollars less in his bank account and still be hitting rocks with dreams of what it could have been like had he actually made it to the states. And yes, he probably took the place of another individual who was dying to make it in, and who was of the correct age and all; but with the opportunity of a lifetime at hand not many people would act otherwise. And after all, this world is based on Darwin’s famous theory: survival of the fittest.

Dallas at New Orleans Game 1

Well, we just had a gritty game where LeBron James fought out the toughness of the trash-talking Wizards to pull out Game 1. That was followed by one of the greatest NBA playoff games, EVER (not even close to an exaggeration). And now we have a matchup between two of the best point guards in the league. I believe such a combination of events is why heart monitors were invented.

I think this will be my last one today, and I'll kick back for Houston-Utah. I'm realllly exhausted, and I went from 1 visitor to 2 on the last live blog. That isn't exactly great incentive to continue with this. Who the hell reads your blog guys?

Phoenix at San Antonio Game 1

You'll have to wait until the end of Cleveland-Washington for this one, and a little bit afterward for me to set it up. Hope you're not too disappointed.

Washington at Cleveland Game 1

I'm groggy, and the cable in my room isn't working (the billion things I could say about how much Comcast can go eat it). So I'm forced to blog this game out in the living room...and I'm not sure how I'm complaining. Anyway, game should be underway shortly.

Time for April, May...and June Madness

Hey there kids,

Bears Necessity here for the weekend. You might remember KC Cal (a freaking Golden Bear) wailing like a little schoolgirl over his atrocious picks and his UCLA Lovefest falling flat gracefully accepting defeat like a man. He learned what happened if one decided to go with the Baby Bears and betray the real Gold and Blue. He'd get eaten alive.
This is my first year winning a pool of any sort, so I don't think I'm the mentor you should seek about cashing out on college basketball (especially considering how I went from $150 to -$20 after Memphis choked the bone). If you want any constructive advice, here's a fun little suggestion--if everyone's picking one team, you might want to go the other way. If you lose, you lose spectacularly. If you win, you stick it in people's faces. Always keeps you entertained until the final weekend, that's for sure.

And it's time to cash in. A week of posts was my bounty, and I've decided to squeeze a majority of them into this weekend (perhaps next weekend too, if I enjoy the experience). Breathe a sigh of relief guys; I'm not going to talk about Cal football, the Riley-Longshore debates, The Hawk, or Mike Montgomery even once. They are off-limits, and will remain so through all the posts I make.

Nah, I've picked a worse punishment for you guys. That's right, it's time for THE NBA PLAYOFFS!

As much as I love college football, the NBA is my sport of passion. Always has been, always will be. I love ball flow, pick and rolls, zone defenses, wussy fights, free throw shooting, dagger 3s, bad officiating...oh, wait, that last thing has ruined nearly every playoff for me the past five seasons. Ick. Crossing my fingers now.

Unfortunately for you guys, I'm excited about all these games. So I've decided to report on every game as it unfolds. Not that I think I can do eight live blogs without going completely insane. But that's the fun in it. There will be one or two duds along the way, but I'll follow them until I'm absolutely certain they're total duds.

Sunday dispenses with the least sexy of the matchups (I expect none of those series to go past five games, maybe six if Detroit gets bored again), but Saturday's quadruple header is awwwwesome. Holy shit. These are the type of first round games the NBA dreams for. I'll definitely be liveblogging the first two games Saturday, and most likely the third as well. If there's enough interest (like six people or more talking to me during the game), I'll try and finish off all four games.

Here's the preliminary schedule.

Saturday (All times PDT)
9:30 AM--Washington Wizards at Cleveland Cavaliers, ESPN (liveblog starting at 9:15)
Noon--Phoenix Suns at San Antonio Spurs, ABC (liveblog starting after WASH-CLE game)
4 PM--Dallas Mavericks at New Orleans Hornets, ESPN (liveblog starting at 3:55)
6:30 PM--Utah Jazz at Houston Rockets, ESPN (liveblog starting after DAL-NO game)

Sunday
9:30 AM--Toronto Raptors at Orlando Magic, TNT (liveblog starting after halftime)
12 PM--Denver Nuggets at LA Lakers, ABC (liveblog starting after TOR-ORL)
3 PM--Philadelphia 76ers at Detroit Pistons, TNT (liveblog starting at 2:55)
5:30 PM--Atlanta Hawks at Boston Celtics, TNT (no, this game will almost certainly suck--I'll kick back and watch here)

I'm going to try and use Cover it Live's platform for these liveblogs. The format will hopefully be pretty user friendly and not technologically overwhelming. It's the first time I'm using it, hence the early start time on Saturday. Just filter in whenever you wake up from your Friday night debauchery. Like a true winner, I'll be sitting with my laptop perched on my knees while I type in random, meaningless commentary interspersed with occasionally witty dialogue. While in my boxers.

See you tomorrow. Because there will only be one. Of me posting, that is. And probably me talking to myself too. Wooo.

Football in Los Angeles

Sports in Los Angeles just keeps on getting better and better, doesn't it? Who would've thought that the Lakers, of all teams, would be the #1 seed before the NBA season began? In addition, Kobe is on the verge of getting his first ever MVP award! When the Clippers get all their guys healthy again, they could be playoff bound next season as well. The Anaheim Ducks are in the NHL playoffs, looking to come back and beat the Dallas Stars down 3-1 in the series. The Angels and Dodgers are off to decent starts to the baseball season, after making key acquisitions in the off-season. I wouldn't be surprised if they both make the playoffs in October. David Beckham has finally scored some goals on the soccer field. Everything's going right for you LA playas, what more can you ask for? What more do you want? What more do you NEED? FOOTBALL!


What?! You're not talking about your Arena Football Leaguers, the Avengers? Come on, you guys are doing pretty decent, the same record with the defending champion San Jose Sabercats at 3-4. Give yourselves a pat on the back!

If you're talking about REAL football, I don't know about that. You guys had your chance with the Raiders....and the Rams. They knew better. The Raiders preferred the wonderful visitor-friendly neighborhood of Oakland over LA. The Rams would rather be stuck inside a dome than enjoy life out on your coastal beaches. The closest football you'll get is David Beckham, or the Avengers. The only football worth watching, however, are the UCLA Bruins and the USC Trojans.

But, since you ARE Los Angeles, some rich people out there had to get you a pro football team. Some rich guy like Edward P. Roski Jr., part owner of the Kings and Lakers.


Look at that fancy stadium. OOOoooOoOOOOoooooOOOoo!!! Congratulations LA, looks like you're getting your own football team......again. But who? The league said you ain't getting a new expansion team, so it might be the Saints, Jaguars, Vikings, or Chargers? You know what I say to that? BULLSHIT! F*ck the league and f*ck those teams!! We've got enough home-grown talent in this town to start our own team!!

Here's my take on the roster:

Since the only teams worth watching in LA right now are the Bruins and Trojans, the new team in LA will be called the Los Angeles Brujans.

We already have the Avengers as an arena football team, so we're just going to let them play only half the field every game. The other half we'll combine some USC and UCLA players, but mostly USC. And since it is LA, we gotta make out team HOLLYWOOD STYLE!! So here's some of our secret weapons, led by:


Denzel as our Head Coach. I remember the Titans, so I know Denzel's the man for the job.


With star wide receiver Marky Mark. Meet LA's Wes Welker.


The speedy Nelly at running back. Don't worry if he gets hurt, he has his own bandaids.


The People's Champion at QB, rock-bottoming all his opponents in sight.


Can't forget Tony Danza as our Adam Vinatieri, who will also clean up the stadium after the game.


And finally Adam Sandler at the crucial waterboy position to rejuvenate the team. Shoobody-doo!!!!

There you have it, Los Angeles. We've got ourselves a football team. Just add in a few extras here and there and we're all set. Air Bud will take over whatever position we need. Throw in a couple Replacements like Keanu Reeves and the boys from Varsity Blues and the Los Angeles Brujans will be the next NFL Champion!!

Kevin Love Has Made His Decision, and It Will Blow Your Mind

Now I know you’ve been hearing a lot about my draft status. Some people have reported I’m leaving, others have reported I’m staying. The funny thing is that I haven’t said shit yet, and all these false reports have made me look like one giant flip flopper. I’m not John Kerry, okay?

Anyway, now that I have all of you here, members of the press, I have decided to make my announcement. I would like to announce to everyone that I have decided to forego my sophomore year and go straight to the pros……… and when I say pro, I mean professional stripper.

(Shocks and murmurs fill the press room)

I know what a lot of you are thinking, “Kevin, why aren’t you going to the NBA?” I ask you this, press members, “Who said the NBA was my ultimate goal?” Now, for those of you who have known me just this year, you probably look at me and think Kevin Love: All American Basketball Player. However, those who have known me my entire life know me as Kevin Love: Aspiring Male Stripper. I guess it all started back in the 90’s. It was movie night and my dad was either going to rent The Full Monty or Hoosiers. Let’s just say they ran out of copies of Hoosiers. Plus, The Full Monty didn’t get nominated for Best Picture for nothing. It was pretty much the greatest choice my dad ever made for me.

So why waste your time playing basketball, you ask? Well I don’t know if any of you notice, but strippers need rocking bodies, and there’s nothing that gets you a hot bod more than running a few suicides everyday. I would have to say all those years of basketball have made me into one bitching male stripper. If there was a male stripper draft today, I’d be the Kevin Durant of it. Being a number 1 pick is always better than being 4 or 5.

Besides, with a name like Kevin Love, you really expect me not to be a stripper?

I’ll take this time to answer questions now.

Stephen A Smith: So let me get this straight, you’re going to throw away a potential million dollar contract away to be a stripper? This is ridiculous, you have to got be the dumbest person alive, and don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about son, because you know you ain’t foolin’ anyone with your shenanigans.

KL: Who said I wasn’t going to sign a million dollar contract? Same money, different profession.

Skip Bayless: This is unbelievable. This. Has to be. The. Silliest Thing. I’ve ever heard. In my life. Am I dreaming?

KL: No you aren’t Skip. In fact, for a small price, I can make it so that you’ll be living out one of your dreams. Wink wink.

Stuart Scott: Booya! Do you know where you’ll be headed? Booya!

KL: Great question Stu! I’m not sure yet, but I’ve gotten calls from New York and Los Angeles. It should be exciting.

Dana Jacobson: Glug glug glug glug glug. Fuckin’ Charlie Weis and his Pop Tart eating fat ass. Fuck him!

KL: That’s not really a question Dana. Next?

Dickie V: Yeah baby! How much for a party appearance? I’m ready to call call call. I’ll even get the pizza! Remember, its not delivery, it’s Digiorno, baby!

KL: For you Dick, there's no charge.

Make the Oakland A’s Exciting: All-You-Can-Eat Seats

Baseball is America’s sport, but sadly, not everyone pays attention to it. And the Oakland Athletic’s aren’t really pulling in fans like the Yankees do. Yeah, we don’t have Billy Crystal on our team, and you know what? Good!

But it’s a problem when the McAfee Coliseum hosts as much people as that Texas polygamist ranch, where about 400 children and 200 women were removed.

(man, i wish them all good luck in adjusting to life outside that ranch (minus the asshole guys))

So how the heck do we pull in fans and prove to them that Oakland A’s baseball is an event worth watching?!? Let’s give these people more bang for their buck! That’s right, the Oakland A’s are offering seats in sections 316 through 318 with unlimited hot dogs and soda for $35 per seat (who’s up for the hot dog eating challenge?)

"Now THIS is the REAL sport, and yes, I'm sexy"

The A’s, with their (8-4) record thus far, are doing alright. And if all you do is sit and watch the innings, then yeah, it might be boring. But bored at a game? Well then, SPICE IT UP! If you add alcohol in the mix, then it’s a splendid time. Good friends, good food, good beverages= JOY! But I’m not promoting insobriety. In fact, good times can be had without beer and liquor:

Take advantage of the all-you-can-eat seats by having that hot dog eating contest.

Not your thing? Trying to lose that gut and hoping it won’t go bad once football season begins?

May I suggest a juice or water-drinking contest!!!

Not enough moola for the water??

Go name the players on the team!!


Don’t know them? Game over??

Well then, name awesome baseball movies!!

Only know a few, well look around, and figure out who’s the hottest fan out there!

Endless possibilities, remember, you don’t go to baseball events to relax, you go to make baseball fun!

GO A’s!

Hey God, I Just Want To Say Thanks For Making That Stuff With Melo Happen

Sup G-Man!

It’s me, B-Diddy. I just wanted to say thanks man. You know, last year, I thought Golden State was a team of destiny. I mean, we really pulled out all the stops, and I made some pretty ridiculous shots during those games to keep it close. Even as the ball left my hands, I thought to myself, “No way this ball is going to make it in” only to hear the sound a swish seconds later. My jaw (and beard) nearly dropped after seeing that shit go down. Then I thought, “You know what, I’m not making these shots. No. This is the work of God.” Thanks man!

Then came this year, which has been really tough. I mean the West has just been brutal. Every team seems so good. New Orleans, the Lakers, the Suns, all of them were crazy this year, making it way harder for us to repeat what we did. Shit, even the Blazers were in it for a while, and we all know that the only way the Blazers have a chance is if you intervened.

I see how it is though. You were just testing us, the same way you tested Job’s faith with all that shit that happened to him. Boils, and pimples, and shit like that. Man, that’s fuckin’ what happened back in ancient times.

So as we faced arduous foe after foe, we hung in there, just like that Job fool. And just like Job, we began to see our reward, a playoff spot. But we realized we still had one problem in our way, the Denver Nuggets. We had our chance, but we just blew it that game. We tried our hardest, God, I can assure you that, but we realized that maybe you were just trying to teach us a lesson, that maybe winning isn’t everything and that we still need to improve.

However, we knew just because we lost to Denver, we weren’t out of the playoff picture yet, but we needed them to lose in order to stay in the hunt. With Carmelo and AI on the court, that was going to be tough. But then God, you prove to us that you still do care for B-Diddy and the Warriors.

Thank you God! We knew you would punish that heathen ‘Melo, with his hard partying and dating Lala and shit. Damn, now with Carmelo distracted and possibly out of the picture, Denver is going to lose for sure and we’re going to move into the playoffs. Yes, yes! You are awesome big guy……

Don Nelson comes in and tells Baron to suit up.

Huh? We still got to win a game to make it in? Really!?! Shit. Okay, let me get dressed so I can warm up….

Warriors are down by 14 at the half.

What the fuck is going on out there?!?! What’s wrong with you guys?!??! (Whips out a bottle of Grey Goose, starts chugging on the court)

Play some defense you….(mumble)……sassafras……(mumble)…..got to go to bathroom…

Warriors lose 122-116.

After the game.

Goddamnit, I thought you got my back, big G??? I thought if I trusted you, you would guide us to a playoff victory again!

Man, I should have sold my soul to Satan, just like Mark Cuban did.

They're Young, But They Can Play

Slogan sounds familiar, folks? Similar to what the Oakland A's had a couple years back, ey? Well, I can say the same thing about the San Francisco Giants nowadays.

Matt Cain
Tim Lincecum
Jonathan Sanchez
Fred Lewis
Eugenio Velez
Brian Bocock
Daniel Ortmeier
Rajai Davis
John Bowker
Merkin Valdez
Erick Threets

Besides the dynamic duo of Caincecum, who have you heard much of and about? Exactly, that's what I thought. I know the Giants paid top dollars for Dave Roberts and Ray Durham, but what for? Who knows, all we know is that we want to see these young guys go out there and play. I guess this proves that money isn't everything.

After a couple weeks of baseball, our Giants are last in their division. Soooooooo what? At least we're doing better than the Tigers!

With much much much more baseball to go, maybe these kids will surprise us somehow. Maybe they can live up to their slogan which I bagged about a week or so ago. Maybe these kids will actually go out there and go "All Out, All Season!" I really hope they prove me wrong.

PS What is up with the Cardinals batting their pitchers 8th in the lineup? Sucks to be Cesar Izturis batting 9th, sucking more than the pitchers.

Oh well, GO GIANTS!

Suck On That, Calgary!

1-1, bitch! Guess we beat you at your own game, and we're from California!

Cal Breaks Ancient Tradition, Tries to Have A Basketball Program (an Open Letter to Cal Berkeley)

Say hello to our new commentator. If you're a Cal fan, uh, you might not like him so much...

Hey, Cal. I'm not an idiot. I heard what's going on with you and Mike Montgomery.

And I can't believe it. Snatching the most prolific basketball coach in the history of your archrival's program? Shame on you!

But both you and I know that's not the worst part. The worst part is that you, the University of California at Berkeley, is pretending to be serious about sports.

YOU? CAL?



Ring any bells?

Cal, I don't know what to say to you. I'm genuinely disturbed by the fact that you are choosing to break this long-standing tradition that has existed before time. Cal, you of all universities should know that you're violating Newton's laws,

1. An object in motion will remain motion until acted on by an unbalanced force.
2. For every action, there is an equal but opposite reaction.
3. Cal sucks at sports. Always has. Always will.

What's this? Mike freakin' Montgomery. 10 straight tournament appearance?. a .692 career winning percentage in college? A final four? All at Stanford. Even student-athletes need to have been published like 6 times before they get admitted to freakin' Stanford. And 6 years,$10 million bucks? That's TWICE Ben Braun's salary. Thats more then BEN HOWLAND. You know, Ben Howland right? That guy who just went to 3 straight final fours? Where are you getting this money, Cal? I know it's not coming from ticket sales...

I am perturbed beyond words. You know, of course, that any die hard California sports fan isn't going to stand for this. Cal, both you and I know that you've NEVER been about sports.

Granola? Yes.
Nobel Laureates? Plenty.
Protests? Of course.
Co-ops? Absolutely.
Bomb-ass Indian food? Aw Hell Yeah.
Hippies? Unfortunately.
Chicks that don't shave their armpits? A tragedy we face nearly every time we stroll up Telegraph.

Sports? Nope.

But don't get too down on yourself. No matter what anyone says about Cal sports, remember that they can never take this magnificent accomplishment away from you:



Attaboy, Cal. Just when all is said and done...

Remember your place, Cal. Remember your place.

A First Hand Account of the Olympic Torch Event in San Francisco

When I hopped on the BART (which is basically the Bay Area’s version of the subway for you out of Californians) this morning on my commute to work, I noticed that it was a little more crowded than normal days. It was a Wednesday, not a Monday, so something monumental had to be going on in the city. I looked around the train for anything conspicuous that would let me know what the big event was. It didn’t take me long to find someone wearing a “Team Tibet” T-shirt. Of course! It was Olympic torch bearing day.

Not that I forgot really, considering the attention that was given to some protesters who mistook the Golden Gate Bridge as a setting to play out a scene from Sylvester Stallone’s Cliffhanger.

It’s just it wasn’t the first thing that I thought about that morning. I also wasn’t completely alert of what was up concerning the torch ceremony. I knew it was going on, and I knew it was going to happen somewhere in San Francisco, I just didn’t know the exact details like where and when things were going down. Thus, it was just an afterthought when I started my day.

However, when I arrived at work, a co-worker alerted me that the torch route was happening along the Embarcadero. For those of you not familiar with San Francisco, the Embarcadero is the street that borders the western shore of the San Francisco peninsula. The Embarcadero also happens to be only a few blocks away from where I work.

When I was informed of how close the torch was to me, I got a little giddy inside. After all, something like this can be considered as a once in a lifetime event. I’m not really all too political. In fact, I’ll probably end up voting for Obama or Hilary because it seems to be the cool thing to do. Yet, I thought this torch running had the potential to be memorable. I never have seen a torch runner run by me. I also never saw tear gas being deployed by riot police. I kind of figured there was a good chance that both might happen. It would be a good thing to cover for this lovely blog.

There was a minor problem: no camera! I didn’t anticipate that I would check out the ceremony, and boy was I wrong. The only thing I had was my camera phone, which in general, kind of sucks. I had no choice, but this minor setback explains why the upcoming pictures are in such low quality. I apologize in advance.

Conveniently, the ceremony started at 1 p.m., which was perfect since that’s lunch time. Thus, at 1, I headed down to the dangerous and festive streets below armed with nothing but a camera phone.

When I got there, I was kind of surprised, because I didn’t see any protesters at all. Instead, I saw a giant stage littered with Chinese flags. People were singing and there were some performers dancing. Streamers and balloons littered the air and it seemed everyone there spoke a language other than English. It was pretty interesting actually, but the atmosphere kind of reminded me of a poorly produced benefit concert. It had every sign of this: the cheesy 80’s music, the ridiculous crowds, and even a titantron displaying various images of cute kids from third world countries. Uh, cool, I guess.

As I looked around the area, the looming question was on my mind: where are all the protesters? I thought someone would have parachuted in with a Team Tibet sign by now. There weren’t any where I was standing, thus I did some more exploring and walked north a bit more to where the route was actually supposed to be. I didn’t have to walk more than 50 feet away from the opening ceremony to see what people were really here for: FREE TIBET!

It’s kind of funny. I just walked a few steps in another direction, and it felt like I entered a new dimension. And let me tell you, this place was far from the cheery place I was in five minutes ago. This place was angry. Naturally, every turn I went, there was someone yelling something about China’s injustice. A mass of Team Tibet members congregated armed with microphones yelling phrases like “China’s a liar!” and of course “Free Tibet.” I guess it really is a catchy slogan.

I also found it somewhat comical, ironic, and offensive when a Chinese supporter of the Olympics walked by, waving her Chinese flag, only to have a bunch of protesters yell “Go back to China!” Way to be politically incorrect!

It wasn’t only Tibet who had beef with China. Perhaps it’s just because I’m not too bright when it comes to world politics, but I was surprised to see that everyone was against China. Tibet, Vietnam, Darfur, Americans, everyone. I guess China is the new United States when it comes to enemies of the world.

I walked around a bit more snapping pictures on my cruddy phone while trying to figure out where the hell the torch runner was running. I saw that there were barricades, but the all the barricades were doing was taking up space in the sea of people. I really saw no clear path for the torch bearer, unless of course the carrier didn’t mind singing a few hair dos and pushing people out of the way.

As everyone waited for the torch to come by, spectators and protesters alike were getting rather antsy. I heard someone shout “when is it coming?” It was as if we were all eight years old at Disneyland (a very hostile Disneyland) waiting for the Electric Parade to come by. The torch bearer should be stopping by any minute.

Well, we were wrong, because San Francisco pulled a fast one on us! It seems that the torch was being rerouted to Van Ness Street, which was a bit away from the route that it was supposed to go on. Not many people knew of the switch, as later on the SF Gate noted that there were more police officers than spectators watching the torch bearers run. Meanwhile, thousands of people waited back at the Embarcadero unknowing of the change of events. Oh Mayor Gavin Newsome, you sly devil, you!

At that point my lunch break was over, and I headed back to work. I was later told that the protesters were alerted of the route change and many ran like, well, track runners, to where the torch was to yell and scream, but that was about it. I was actually kind of surprised though about the tameness the demonstrators demonstrated. With the liberal reputation the Bay Area has, I was fully expecting buckets of water to be splashed on the runners, or at least some super soakers trying to extinguish the flame. Oh well. Overall though, it was still an interesting day.

In Defense of Alex Smith, Matt Leinart, and People Who Like to Party

"Is that Mandy Moore?"

As some of you may or may not know, there have been some scandalous photos brewing around the internet involving football players, beer, hot girls, and frat party environments. I’m of course referring to the photos of Matt Leinart and Alex Smith that have shown them, among other things, licking women’s faces and funneling beer bongs down their throats.

At first, my initial response was “what are they thinking?” How could they put themselves in such compromising positions and allow photos to be taken of them among all the debauchery? That’s very irresponsible, and they’re setting up for themselves to be scrutinized by the media. I also thought to myself, “a lot of people look up to them, and they’re letting those people down.”

However, as I think about it more, I came to the conclusion that it’s not my right to be judging them in the first place. I also sound like an incredible loser. Sure, we look at these photos and probably throw a laugh or snide comment in order to look down at them, but I just don’t think that’s very fair because every single young person has probably been in those shoes before, whether they admit it or not. We see pictures of Matty chuggin down a bear and we scoff, but seriously, I’m pretty sure everyone has had their Matt Leinart moment at least once, even if you think it was a so-called “once and only once in a lifetime thing.”

Perhaps it’s bad that these guys have actual photos covering their night of drunkenness, but since they’re so high profile and they have people recording their every move, what can you do? I’m sure if everyone had their lives documented on the internet the same way these guys do, the internet would either cease to exist or be known not as the internet, but big brother. Hell, some people are already complaining that Facebook and MySpace are invading their privacy when people put up unflattering photos of their friends. People call it invasion of privacy, I call it the celebrity treatment.

And when did sports become a Perez Hilton gossip fest?

I’m not promoting excessive drinking or that getting shitfaced on a daily basis is something America should do. In fact, I hope that as these guys are at least responsible about their drinking and refrain from operating heavy machinery. I’m just saying that as long as no danger is involved, a fun night out is something that every human being needs.

Some of you may think that a professional football player shouldn’t engage in these things because he’s a role model. I say who designated them to be this said role model? A role model should be someone who accomplishes great tasks to help better mankind. They should be the teachers, doctors, Mother Theresa’s, people who actually have a great impact on society and hopefully towards the greater good. Hey, Alex Smith is a role model because he’s an athlete. So what? Yeah, a guy who can throw a ball 70 yards, what a great role model, I want my kids to be just like him because of that sole fact.

Give me a break. Come to think of it, athletes are probably the worst role models of all. If high school movies have taught me anything, a lot of athletes are douchebags. Yeah, I’m sure I want my kid to grow up like John Rocker, Philip Rivers, Jim McMahon, or any other so called “role model.” Please. As Matt and Alex have shown us, they’re only job is to go on the field and score some touchdowns, something they have yet to perfect. What they do off the field shouldn’t matter and more importantly shouldn’t be looked up to by the youth of America.

I was never really an Alex Smith or Matt Leinart fan. Actually, if you follow this blog, I think they’re a pretty horrible. I’ll take Kurt Warner any day of the week. However, I just feel that when it comes to these things, everyone should just get off their high horse. Athletes like to get sloshed. Accountants like to get sloshed. Barbers like to get sloshed. People know it, yet at the same time, they’ll stick their nose in the air and say nay each time someone else does it.

The biggest beef I have against all this coverage though comes from a quote that one Dan Bickley of the Arizona Public printed:

“He is a starting quarterback in the NFL and the face of an entire franchise. He should not be in the same vicinity as a beer bong, much less holding one for a young girl.The NFL is for men. Beer bongs are for drunk, stupid college kids.”

A) Beer bongs are for everyone and probably has been enjoyed by the likes of respectable people like Bill Gates, Barack Obama, Queen Elizabeth, and maybe even Jesus (you never know)

B) Yes the NFL is for men. And as we know, men have a penchant for things much worse than just beer bongs like cocaine (Lawrence Taylor), love boat parties (The Minnesota Vikings), bastard children (Tom Brady), and of course, the all time favorite, strip club shootings (Pacman Jones). Also, let’s not forget Howie Long’s stint as an actor. That’s the worst crime of all.

So as more and more photos of athletes getting wasted inevitably come out, let’s not jest at them, as we have probably been there ourselves. Don’t scrutinize them if they want to have a drink or two, scrutinize them for fucking up on the field. (In Alex Smith’s case, that’s going to be a lot).

From Around the Blogs:
Introducing Favraro [KSK]
How do you stop Olympic protesters? Faster runners [Lion in Oil]
Running down Wrestlemania history [SI On the Scene]

Things to Look Forward For the Week of April 7th-13th

*Watch for Stanford women’s basketball to hold the trophy. Actually, sadly I doubt anyone besides women and Hilary Clinton supporters will actually watch this game. True shame because Stanford looks awfully good and this would be a big title to have for the lady Cardinals.

*Watch Memphis steamroll Kansas. Damn. It still hurts. Not only did Memphis expose why Collison will not make a quality point guard in the NBA (he can’t play against a bigger guard) but they also exposed by Kevin Love should stick around for a couple more years in Westwood as well as why that early 90’s movie was so famous; this white boy just cannot jump. It actually is sad to watch clips again; watching Kevin Love try to take a charge every single time because he knows he cannot get up there to block the shot of one of the Memphis big men dunking or driving over him. Yes, yes he did some shots, but he didn’t really jump on any of them. And the Bruins were outrebounded so badly because Love just couldn’t get up there. Nevertheless, as bitter as I am watching UCLA fall for the third straight season, I will acknowledge Memphis’ play and say that they will butcher Kansas in the championship game. (Already proven wrong. Sorry U12!)

*Watch for the Olympic Torch to get blown up. Ok I really hope this doesn’t happen but with all of the tension hovering over the Olympics because of the Tibet-China crisis, it still amazes me that the Olympics are progressing normally. With the millions of radicals in this world it is only a matter of time before someone does something stupid to halt the Olympics. Either way you won’t catch me watching the Olympics this year, not until China eases up on Tibet anyway.

*Watch for the return of Bynum..and the frantic attempt to build chemistry in Los Angeles. All of Hollywood will be smiling when Bynum returns; but anyone who knows anything about the Lakers’ organization knows that’s a day to bite your nails. Bynum and Gasol could very well be the dynamic frontcourt presence Kobe needs in order to make the Lakers the most dangerous team in the NBA. However, it could very well be that Bynum and Gasol don’t share the chemistry needed to function well and could cause the Lakers to struggle. If a team has no rhythm going in to the playoffs, they won’t be able to find it in the first round and that usually means an early exit. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen.

*Watch for Barry Bonds…to bitch more about how he’s unemployed. Actually, that’ll probably enlarge his head even more so, so maybe just ignore him completely. Still, for a man who has 700+ home runs (‘roids or no ‘roids that is a lot), he deserves to be on some team playing DH. I mean, maybe there is more to it, maybe he wants too much money. But aside from that, there is no reason in my mind why Barry Bonds shouldn’t get the chance to hit a few more home runs.

*Finally, watch for the Sharks to dominate in the first round baby! Go SAN JOSE!!!!!

*Watch Michael Vick throw 3 interceptions in his first start as Leavenworth Prison’s quarterback. Well, at least he is staying in shape.

*Watch for the Nuggets to crumble. Iverson and ‘Melo are proven busts and will not come through together when it comes down to it; allowing the Warriors to squeeze into the playoffs and all the criticism to be placed back on me for ragging on Stephen Jackson.

From Around the Blogs:
This 10 year old will own you, Memphis [Flotsam Media]
Rehab report with BJ Ryan [Mop Up Duty]
Penn St basketball player doing um... well... just read it [PSU Collegian]

Ben Braun Get's Job Replacing Mike Montgomery's Old Assistant, Oh the Drama

As you know, the coaching search at Cal has ended with the hiring of Coach Mike Montgomery. I actually think he’s a pretty good candidate for the job, but I don’t want to bore you with facts about his accomplishments. If you’re really going to spontaneously combust about it, you can head over here.

Even more shocking news is that Ben Braun has found a job…. already! I knew Braun would land a job somewhere, but damnnnnnnnnn, that was fast. He replaces Willis Wilson over at Rice, who coincidently, was an assistant under Mike Montgomery and is a candidate for the worst name ever award. Yesterday, the two coaches spoke about their new jobs at separate press conferences. What they said was…… extremely uninteresting and unprofound. So, I decided to fill in the blanks to make things a little more interesting:

Mike’s Press Conference:
(For the purpose of this article, the Bears Necessity has pointed out Montgomery’s old age, so I’ll roll with that)

Points to a microphone.

What the hell is this contraption? It looks like flashlight, except there’s no light. What gives? Huh? This is a microphone? You must be mistaken, sir, this is a microphone:

Anyway, it’s a real honor to be here at Cal. I know with me being a former Stanford coach, this is going to intensify the Cal – Stanford rivalry, but hey, that’s what this school needs. A little fire under our belly never hurts. Why, it seems just like yesterday Stanford was chasing those Cal hooligans across the bay to get our axe back. Wait, was that yesterday? I don’t remember. Anyway, I’m really looking forward to making this team a winner. I know some people are concerned that I may have lost my step and that I’m getting too old to coach, but let me tell you, I’m a man who can adapt! Yesterday, I used this new fangled contraption called the refrigeration machine. My god, what a wondrous invention it is! Now I can save my meats for weeks. No more salt bins for me!
I can also tell you that I’m going to revolutionize the game. I’m going to put Cal on the map. I have this one secret idea that’s going to be ground breaking. For example, I’m going to teach the kids this little maneuver in which the player gets the ball and instead of shooting it, he’s going to throw the ball down through the net as if he was going to slam it. I call it the pushing-the-basketball-down-with-force shot. And, I’m going to let African Americans on my team. Huh? What’s that? It’s already been done? Slam dunk, you call it? Civil rights movement? What?!?! When did this happen?

Five minutes of silence.

Anyways, where was I?

Five minutes of silence.

I like lima beans. Also, anyone have any prunes on hand?

Ben’s Press Conference:

Suck it, California! You think you can just get rid of Double B that easily? Well you know what? Ben Braun gots a job, and he’s ready to tear it all up in the Conference USA. That’s right, no more shitty Pac-10 refs for me! Now I’m in a real man’s conference, a conference that has one of their teams in the championship game as we speak. Memphis is going to win it all, and you know who’s going to dethrone them next year? R-I-C-E, that’s who! Hope the Conference USA has a lot of Asian kids, because I’m going to serve them Rice all year long! Har har, get it? Rice?! I’m so clever! I’m a regular Joe Rogan.

You like that politically incorrect pun, Berkeley? Oh, did I hurt your liberal feelings with that bad joke? Well too bad motherfuckers, because I’m in Texas now and I can say whatever ignorant shit I want! Watch what I say, or people will be protesting and living in trees. Fuck that shit. I’m free!

You may have been aching for me to get fired, Cal, but once Busy B here serves college basketball a can of whoop ass, you’ll be sucking my butt for the rest of eternity. I have compared myself to Coach K, Jim Boeheim, and Roy Williams, but fuck those guys! I’m not going to be the next Coach K, I’m going to be the next Ben Braun. Get my drift, brah? Hell yeah, someone throw me a beer so I can shotgun it. Maybe that hot chick over there can help me out. She looks classy to me.

You know what the best part is? I replaced a coach that used to work for that fossil you call your new coach. Oh, revenge is the best when it’s done with guilty by association. You thought it wouldn’t be years until I got another chance at a head coaching job, huh Cal? Well you thought wrong! Now excuse me while you reporters write in your precious blogs and newspapers. Assholes, hope you write a real nice piece about me, because Ben Braun is here to stay. I’m like herpes, you just can’t get rid of me! Oh yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh if only press conferences were really this entertaining….

And Now the Party is Over

Now that the pool is virtually over (and partly because it's Sunday and we're all too lazy to write something, get it? Lazy Sunday? Har har har har), we'd just like to thank everyone who participated in the blogger pool this year. The Battle of California, Gossip on Sports, Apples and Moustaches, and The Sports Lounge have been been good sports for taking all our trash talking and what not. The Bears Necessity have been especially tolerant of all our rants, but I guess you can be once you are the winner. It's been fun, and we'll see you all next year!

F------------------------------------------ck!

Thanks for not showing up to play Collison. And how the fuck is UNC down by 28? We might as well get prepare ourselves for all the Riley worshiping, wannabe ESPN analyzing of shitty Cal plays that no one gives a damn about anymore, Tedford knob slobbering that's going to occur next week thanks to the Bears Necessity. Fuck.

Stephen Jackson You Idiot, The Warriors Would Be in the Playoffs Without You! (featuring Angry U12)

I hope someone of relation to the Warriors organization reads our blog. I mean 1 out of our 10 viewers has to work with the Warriors, right?

Since the Pacers-Warriors trade, when Stephen Jackson entered our lives, it seems as though the Bay Area has been in that same state of euphoria the Silicon Valley was in only a few years back. With the historic defeat of the Mavs in the first round last year and all flashy plays and highlights, fans even outside of the Bay Area have been marveling at the success of the Warriors.

Except unlike the Silicon Valley’s tech boom, the Warriors’ bubble doesn’t have to burst. Yet, sadly, it probably will this year and the Warriors will probably be the best team in the NBA to not make it to the playoffs.

All year I’ve watched Warriors games, puzzled as to why Baron Davis is not the team captain. Puzzled as to why Monte Ellis doesn’t get the bulk of the shots. And without any understanding as to why Stephen Jackson gets to shoot the ball more than 10 times a game. Countless times has he ran his on 1 on 3 fast break, only to brick a awful 3 point attempt and watch the ball go across the court and into the opponent’s basket, completing the 5 point swing and erasing any momentum his other teammates had built up. I understand Don Nelson is drunk and probably thinks Jessica Alba is running out from her front row seat to take all those ridiculous shots.

But c’mon, there are thousands of fans out in the Bay Area who actually think this guy is good. Seriously, watch a whole game instead of logging onto espn.com and checking the stats for the night. And if you cannot resist, at least note his field goal percentage, not just how many points he scored. And if you really want to be a statistician, check out how many points his opponent scored when the game was close in the 2nd half. Doing so, you’ll notice that Stephen Jackson is mediocre at best, not worthy of being the team captain.

And for any doubters, I’d like to showcase Stephen Jackson’s glorious statistics for the last 7 games. The Warriors needed at least 4 victories to keep fighting for the 8th spot in the playoffs.

Warriors 115 Lakers 111; Jackson: 8-20 (40%): 31 pts, Kobe 13-30 (43%) 36

Warriors 119 Lakers 123; Jackson 9-21 (43%): 29 pts, Kobe 11-30 (37%) 30

Warriors 111 Blazers 95; Jackson 8-20 (40%): 24 pts (I don’t know who he took in this game)

Warriors 112 Nuggets 119; Jackson 7-18 (39%): 25pts; Carmelo 11-16 (69%) 25 pts

Warriors 114 Mavericks 104; Jackson (38%): Howard 13-25 (52%) 36 pts

Warriors 92 Spurs 116 Jackson 2-12 (17%): (don’t know who he took in this game)

Warriors 86 Mavericks 111: 1-11 (9%): Howard 14-25(56%) 28 pts

Notice something? Only once against the Lakers did Jackson out shoot his opponent. Josh Howard is apparently Stephen Jackson’s father, owning him for above 50% shooting both nights while Jackson couldn’t even register a double digit shooting percentage in the latest game. Actually, what is even sadder about the latest loss to the Mavericks is that by making the playoffs, Mark Cuban won’t look like such an idiot for trading for Jason Kidd, arguably one of the most overrated superstars in the NBA. But from one idiot to another, let us go back to Stephen Jackson. Not only is he a sham on the defensive end, as it has just been proven that he can’t keep an above average scorer to less than 25 points, but he when the big game comes around, he can’t shoot either. Oh, and I did a little research about just how clutch Mr. Captain Crack really is. In the playoffs loss to the Jazz, the only time Jackson shot 50% or better was in game 3 when he went 2 for 4. The captain of an NBA team and you can’t EVER shoot above 50%. Pathetic. And that Mavs series; you can credit the Warriors crowd and Dirk's choking capabilities to the success of the Warriors; not Stephen Jackson.

Now don’t get me wrong…I “believe” in the rest of the team. If 10 of Stephen Jackson’s shots were allocated amongst Ellis and Baron Davis (60-40) the Warriors probably would have a couple more notches in the win column. But for however long the Warriors want to keep Stephen Jackson as their team captain, and not as their 6th man, they will have great difficulty making it to, or past the first round.

Please note that this post was written by, and only by, u12. The other writers of The Play in California do not necessarily express the same opinions as our colleague, therefore, direct all comments and gangster violence threats only to u12. Seriously, the rest of us don’t want to get shot. This is Oakland after all.

We're serious about that last comment. Please don't hurt us, we're suburban and scared!

From Around the Blogs:
What do the SF Giants and Major League have in common? ALOT. [Apples and Moustaches]
Can you kick flip a surfboard? [5 Ones]
Chuck Lidle to Kimbo Slice: You ain't nothing [MMA Junkie]

F-ck Yo NHL Record!

We got hockey games to win! Shieeeeet!

Besides, the NHL wants to fellate Marty Brodeur for another 50 yrs. Having some commie bastard win it all would be Un-American / Un-Canadian.

Vitamin N was quoted to saying "I would prefer to have [both starts], yes, but we've got to think about the playoffs." This translates to, "Shit, what the hell? Yeah, actually I don't want to get the record for most wins. Actually, I'm totally content on not making history and being forever relegated to a class of goalies that are second tier instead of first tear. Hell, I love to be lumped in with the Vanbiesbroucks and Careys of the world instead of the Roys and Belfours. I'd love to give up history so that we have a chance to inevitably lose in the Western Conference Finals. I feel aweeeeesome!"

It's a little cocky to assume that you're going to win 2 more games, but whatever, he's Evegni N, so he can say whatever the hell he wants.

I'd like to think that he really doesn't care about the record, but I kind of have a feeling he's thinking about this:

Oh you Russians make hilarious stereotypical enemies! Just ask the writing staff of 24!

From Around the Blogs:
DMX doesn't know who Barack Obama is... we jest you not [Sportaphile]
Dick Engberg said... what? [Gutty Little Bruins]
Nike and Adidas Proudly Made in China? [Sports Agent Blog]

Opening Day Baseball is Orgasmic

Move over, sports world! So what the Lopez twins are going to the NBA?! So what the Stanford women's team is going to the Final Four?! So what the Sharks and Ducks are going to the NHL playoffs? So what the Sabercats are the defending AFL champs?! So what the Lakers and Warriors are fighting for playoff positioning?! Soooooo WHAT?!

It's baseball time!! Play Ball!! It's on like Donkey Kong!!!

Baseball? Mario? Baseball? Donkey Kong? Baseball? Cartoons? WHAT A JOKE!!

Well, guess what? You're right! Only in baseball can you get jokes! Every team has had their chance to play a game or two, and the Kansas City Royals, the Washington Nationals, and the Tampa Bay Rays, not Devil Rays, just Rays because it sounds cooler and less evil, are leading their division!!

"Ray ray ray! Go Player #5!! You're the best! I heart you!!"

If the season ended today, I would give Xavier Nady the MVP award, just because he has 2 homeruns in 1 game.....(and he's from Cal). As for Cy Young, why not give it to Rich Harden, since he's suffered enough being injured the past 3940623 years. 1-0, 1.50 ERA with 9 K's doesn't sound too bad....(and he plays for the A's).

People, baseball is CRRRRRRRAZY!!! What if a strike happened, just like 1995? What if my predictions were true. I'd be the world's greatest psychic!! That's how crazy baseball is!

Only in baseball when all you need is a Cy Young pitcher to win a game (aka Jake Peavy pitching a shutout and getting 2 RBI's). Only in baseball can you have Nomar Garciaparra and Andy LaRoche fight for the starting 3rd base job all spring and Blake DeWitt gets it when the season starts. Only in baseball can you pay a pitcher $126 million and watch him suck and suck some more and some more after that (Planet Zito does not exist). Only in baseball can Enron Field be changed to Astros Field which is then changed to Minute Maid Park, all while Pacific Bell Park was changed to SBC Park and then to AT&T Park.

Only in baseball can the distance from home plate to the left field foul pole be about 250 feet long, even if it was for one day and one day only, while the distance to right-center field is the length of a football field.


Only in baseball can non-baseball players play baseball.

Only in baseball can you hear me say a completely random sentence that does not make any sense at all because I just wanted to combine all 5 team names in California into 1 sentence:

My PADRE took a GIANT dump after eating 1500 all-you-can-eat DODGER dogs and believed that he was ATHLETIC enough to be a baseball player after watching Danny Glover in ANGELS in the Outfield.

I know, I know. Saying that made me a....


But it's all good folks, because I'm a winner spending another dog days of summer in front of my TV watching highlights on Baseball Tonight! Who cares, Play ball!!

From Around the Blogs:
Hey, it's that guy on KRON 4 with Robert Guerrero! [Robert Guerrero's Blog]
It looks like the Pats did win the Super Bowl after all [KSK]
Even though we have a Cal bias, this is pretty f'-in hilarious [Bears Necessity]

Lopez Twins Declare For Draft, NBA Players Preparing to Become Confused

It’s official, Brook and Robin Lopez are heading to the NBA together. Brook had stated that he would not enter the NBA draft unless Robin declared also. Robin on the other hand didn’t really give a shit considering his stock is a bit lower than Brook, and another year might have been valuable to him.

NBADraft.net has Brook as a top 10 pick while Robin looks to be a late first rounder. I personally find it hilarious that Brook is considered to have more potential considering, you know, they’re identical. That must kind of suck for Robin, as people have to explain to him that he has the same physical prowess as Brook, it’s just that he sucks more at the game of basketball. Robin does have the benefit of dating Michelle Wie, making her his sugar mama if this whole NBA thing doesn’t work out.

After the twins announced their eligibility, Trent Johnson screamed at his TV and murdered two puppies. Officials then charged him with a technical, and had to escort him to the closest locker room they could find. He was then seen crying alone in the dark.

From Around the Blogs:
Miss America has a warmer reception than Pres. Bush [The World of Isaac]
Bill Plaschke: Print’s Patron Saint Of Lost Causes [Sports by Brooks]
Hot veggieheads [Maxim]