Derrick Low Proves Asian Americans Can Ball It Up, Cal's Thomas Fang.... Not So Much

"Any athletes in the house?"

As you may or may not know, yesterday Cal got a semi pounding at the hands of the Washington State Cougars. This has more or less eliminated them from NCAA tournament contention unless, barring a miracle, they win out against Washington, the LA schools, and make a decent run in the Pac-10 tournament.

That said, the person who did all the burying yesterday was one Derrick Low of the Cougars.

You’ve probably heard of the man by now. He’s the star point guard for the Cougars, which isn’t probably anything noteworthy to make him stand out. The thing that does make him stand out is the fact that he’s an Asian American.

In the world of sports, finding a good Asian American is hard to come by. Sure there some Asian Americans are tennis players and golf players. And I’m sure that ninety percent of all badminton players have relatives that hail somewhere from Asia, but fuck that, those are pussy sports. If you’re looking at football, baseball, basketball, and even hockey, you’re probably out of luck.

You're probably wondering, what about Yao Ming?

He's obviously Asian American. Well, technically, Yao is only Asian, seeing that he was born in China. We're talking about home grown Asian kids, so Yao's out of the picture. Same thing with Yi Jianlian, Ichiro, and Dice-K. There’s also Wang Zhizhi, but he sucks, so fuck that guy.

The one diamond in the rough is Hines Ward.

He’s half African American, half Asian, which is good enough for Asians to count him as an Asian American athlete. Unfortunately, he’s probably one of the few active star players I could list off the top of my head who is in fact Asian American. Being that, he’s often subjected to hilarious KSK impressions, which are funny, but kind of sucks because he’s the only person they can do a satirical racist Asian stereotype on. Maybe if Dat Nguyen was in the mix, there would be more material to work with, which would be awesome.

Derrick Low is probably the shining beacon when it comes to Asian American ballers, and for that fact, I say good for him! Finally an Asian American comes along who actually has skills to lead his team through the season. When I fist heard of Derrick Low’s existence, I kind of thought, “oh, he’s probably just a garbage time player.” That’s until I saw him play and thought, “he’s all right after all.” Sadly, he probably won’t get drafted, but it’s still cool. He’ll still have hookups to every single Asian owned facility in all of the Washington area. That means lots of good food and lots of pirated electronics.

Derrick Low isn’t the only Asian American basketball player to make waves in the Pac-10 though. Enter Thomas Fang:

I definitely know you haven’t heard of this guy. Fang is a walk on player for Cal, hailing from San Jose. He pretty much is relegated to the bench most of every game because, well um, he’s no Derrick Low. Sadly, on his career bio page, his only highlight is making a 3-pointer against Arizona. They even had to add to the futility by saying that these were his only points of the season. A travesty indeed.

Fang does have a large fan base at Cal though because everyone there is practically Asian. Screams are heard around the world when Fang is on the court, and that isn't often.

Perhaps by seeing Derrick Low manhandle Cal, Fang will have his own aspirations to be a star Asian American basketball player. He’ll train and train and train until Ben Braun sees the potential and puts the kid in. Then he’ll probably fail miserably because, you know, he’s Asian American and trying to play college basketball. Yay. The only positive that would come from this situation is that it would point out what a shitty coach Ben Braun is and that he should be fired immediately. Actually, that’s not a bad idea!

So Asian Americans, as the tournament begins, let’s cheer our fellow Asian comrade Derrick Low (in a totally non Commie way). Hell, let’s cheer for Thomas Fang too, because at least we’ll get a new coach out of that deal.

UPDATE: Storming the Floor's Eric Angevine has informed us of two, count them two, fellow Asian college ballers. Though they aren't homegrown, they're still representin'!

From Around the Blogs:

Cheaty McCheater a member of the LBGT community? [Lions in Oil]

Bobby Knight gets hired by ESPN, PCC braces for impact [SVP Style]

Bottle thrown at USC game, Ron Artest nowhere to be found [College Hoops Journal]

The Clemens - Pettitte Lovefest Pitcher Preview: LA Dodgers

The injury-plagued starters of last year are gone. The hopeful Los Angeles Dodgers look to rebound this season with a much steadier core of starters.

Forget about the 2387425 different starters the Dodgers used last year, with half of them getting injured and half just sucked(Randy Wolf, David Wells, Brett Tomko, Mark Hendrickson, Jason Schmidt, Brad Penny, Derek Lowe.......the list goes on). Luckily, this will be a new year and the Dodgers hope that their aces will continue to be aces, their aces of yesteryear will once again be aces, and their aces of tomorrowland will live up to expectations.

Brad Penny, Derek Lowe, Chad Billingsley, Hiroki Kuroda, Esteban Loaiza, Jason Schmidt

If I can count correctly, I believe that there are 6 people up there, and normally starting rotations are 5. But that's how good and deep the Dodgers will be if they can all stay healthy and pitch like they're supposed to. Led by Penny, the big, strong, powerful, and dominant ace of the staff who pitched through a lower ab injury and still finished with a 16-4 record--back to back 16-win seasons. Talk about consistency. Now, Lowe had a sub-par season with a 12-14 record. Look for him to rebound to the ace he once was without injuries. Billingsley, the X-factor, filled Jason Schmidt's role wonderfully last season, going 12-5. He's still young, so it's scary to think of the pitcher he will become in the next couple of years. Kuroda better live up to expectations, getting paid $35.3 million to be a 4th starter. Not much to say, we just have to wait and see. Loaiza and Schmidt are both worthy of a 5th spot, if they remain healthy and pitch like they're supposed to. Think about it, a guy like Loaiza and Schmidt fighting for the last spot of your starting rotation; that must say something about it.


Note to Hiroki Kuroda:
No pressure, because you have a pal in closer Takashi Saito, who filled in perfectly after the departure of Eric Gagne. However, hopefully you will not stink it up like your old pal Kazuhisa Ishii, who is now back in Japan after 4 years in the MLB. Saito followed Gagne's footsteps, but that doesn't mean you should follow Ishii's.

P.S. Remember good ol' Chan Ho Park, who started his career with the Dodgers? Well, he's back where it all started to try and revive his 13-year career. Now, Chan Ho, you're here to pitch a baseball in a baseball park. That is why you're Chan Ho Park. So don't do any more of your Chan Ho Karate Kicks.

From Around the Blogs:
Hey government, why not just burn out money? [Cousins of Ron Mexico]
Scouting combine scouting [Mondesi's House]
Why Pavano will miss the season [Sports Hernia]

Farewell Mike Bibby Poem

Back in the day, on the local Sacramento channel, the pre-game intro song was this:

Are you ready to stand and shout and scream?
Are you ready?
Are you ready to scream and shout for your team?
Are you ready?
(repeat 2x)

But that song has been replaced with lights and other stuff. And like the song, the Kings players have been ever changing and replaced. Man, I feel like the new Kings team is like another season of Flavor of Love. Who now will we be introduced to??

"yeah boy!!"

February 16th marked the day that Mike Bibby got traded to Atlanta. In exchange, the Kings got Tyronn Lue, Anthony Johnson, Shelden Williams, Lorenzen Wright, and a 2nd round draft pick.

I know the Kings have been moving downhill, I mean, at our peak, we were in the Western Conference Finals in 2002. We always got close, but we were just never good enough to win. No matter our record, I really do think the Kings are solid. The coach, maybe not. I say, let's give the job to a man who can guarantee wins. Ben Braun, where are you? (Go California Bears, by the way). Anyhow, Mike Bibby was the last remaining original player of the 2002 squad still left on the team.

But alas, earlier this month the Maloofs had to revamp the team and let Bibby go. Fresh beginnings, I suppose.


Mike Bibby—I never got to say goodbye, so here’s my bittersweet poem to you….

You left Sacramento 2 days after Valentine’s
And how now will the Kings shine?
We were sad b/c we let go of J-Will,
But you came along, and your game was ILL
Former Pac-10 player of the year,
You introduced Sacramento to happy tears.
We rallied at Arco Arena to watch you and C-Webb,
Only to see other teams win instead
Alright, we never could get to the finals,
But we loved how the Lakers were our rivals...
It’s ok that the Kings could never follow through,
That was a lot of pressure we put on you,
We couldn’t really expect our Kings to be the best,
Not with guys off promoting their albums like Ron Artest..
But nonetheless, we love you with all our heart
It hurts to see this end, but you need your new start
Mike Bibby, you’re like an ex-bf and you have to know
Here’s our official goodbye, I’m sad to let go
Enjoy tearing it up in Atlanta with the Hawks
But don’t forget that we’ll love you nonstop….


Sorry, sometimes a blog needs a sappy post.
And being the female blogger on the team, I deliver!

From Around the Blogs:
White people make us laugh because they look so damn ridiculous [Throwing Into Traffic]
Heisley on Gasol [3 Shades of Blue]
The not so live NHL trade deadline blog [Battle of California]

The Obligatory Hockey Post

"Uh-Oh"

So it’s been a while since we have made a hockey post, and we don’t want to lose our valuable hockey contacts, so here is an article on the ice for all you puck heads. By the way, using the word obligatory is no way offensive. In fact, take it as a compliment because that means we realize that hockey is so popular that we’re willing to make posts about it even when we probably know nothing about the sport. All I know is that the Mighty Duck movie series was based on this sport, and that was an awesome movie. Oh yeah, and the fights are cool too.

Anyway, the NHL trade deadline ends today. Unfortunately, a lot of the teams in California had their trade thunder stolen away by the big exchanges that went on in the NBA. How can hockey players compete with Gasol and Shaq, really? That doesn’t mean that shit didn’t go down though. To review, here is what went down since the beginning of the 2008 year:

Sharks trade “future consideration” for Jody Shelley:

Sharks trade 2009 sixth round draft pick for J.D. Forrest:

Ducks trade Matt Keith for Darryl Bootland:

Ducks trade Shane Hnidy and a 2008 sixth round pick for Brandon Bochenski:



Um, cool. I don’t really know what all this means, but it sounds good, right? And what the hell does future consideration mean? Is that like an IOU, but for hockey? God we need an NHL writer in our blog, because me covering hockey stuff is like letting Ryan Seacrest host a Super Bowl pre-show. Damnit, that really happened.

From Around the Blogs:

Hines Ward meets South Korea [KSK]

Analyzing Maria Sharapova and her man grunts [Gossip On Sports]

Fuck you Tony Kornheiser [DC Sports Bog]

Andy Roddick Proves He Can Still Win Not So Important Tennis Titles

"I'm the king of not sucking!"

After Andy Roddick aced his 130 mph fastball down the middle, the game was over. Roddick, with his blazing serve and volley style had won the SAP open. Roddick had finally done something that was a true accomplishment in his young career; he won another somewhat mediocre tennis title. The fans in the crowd were ecstatic, because you know; all the biggest hardcore tennis fans are from San Jose with them being Silicon Valley yuppies and what not.

Roddick defeated Radek Stepanek in the finals of the SAP open in San Jose, CA on Sunday. Even though Roddick has been the staple of American Tennis in the past years, Stepanek was becoming a fan favorite in San Jose because of his crowd friendliness. Throughout the week he displayed his charisma and topped it off by entering the match in a San Jose Sharks jersey. This won the fans over because if there’s anything that Americans love more, it’s hilarious people with foreign accents who try to fit in with American culture.

Unfortunately for Stepanek, he and his fans were soundly crushed by Roddick and his man serves. Roddick beat Stepanek 6-4, 7-5.

“It feels awesome to finally win a third-tier title. It’s a true accomplishment,” Roddick said.

When asked if he was going to step up his game to prepare for the French Open, Roddick responded that he was seemingly ready to take the challenge.

“Of course. I’m really looking forward to it. I’m going to train hard so that I can make it to the finals and lose to Roger Federer. It’s what I look forward to during every Grand Slam tournament.”

After the match was over, Roddick pumped his fist in the air and proceeded to provide the crowd with another mind blowing feat, he copied signature Michael Jackson dance moves as he kicked his leg in the air and twisted his body with Matrix like movements.

This was in response to Stepanek’s own post game dance routine “The Worm” in which Stepanek copied his idol, Scotty 2 Hotty of the WWE.

Roddick was truly imitating his non-tennis idol. No word yet on whether he invited any boys over to his hotel after the game for an innocent “sleepover.”

The Clemens - Pettitte Lovefest Pitcher Preview: Oakland Athletics

The always-rebuilding-yet-somehow-always-finds-a-way-to-compete Oakland Athletics.

Once again, the A's are rebuilding this year. Last season was a not-so-good season for the A's, but if history repeats itself and they always do for the A's, they will be able to obtain some good pitching from its farm system, find 1 or 2 surprising position players who has breakout years, and find themselves in contention again. With no money to pay for top-tier players, this system is the only one that works for the A's, thus trading away All-Star ace Dan Haren this winter, with trade talks still going on about Joe Blanton. Plus, are they moving or not? Are they going to be the Fremont A's? Yay or nay?

Joe Blanton, Rich Harden, Chad Gaudin, Justin Duchscherer, Lenny DiNardo

If he's not traded before the season starts, the A's will be led by the young and promising Blanton. He's part of numerous trade talks, so he must be good. He's underrated, but he's consistent, pitching 230 innings last year. And guess what? He's only 27 years old, still got years to go. Now, the rocket-throwing Harden has been battling injuries the past 3 seasons. He needs to stay healthy to prove himself again. Gaudin and Duchscherer both had hip surgeries last season, with Gaudin adding in a foot surgery on the same day as well. Stay healthy, they'll be fine. Plus, Duchscherer is the guy to look out for. He joined the A's wanting to start, but with their Big Four already there, he went to the bullpen. Now, it's his time to shine. The 5th spot is iffy, but DiNardo fared well in that role for some time last year, so look for him to develop in that role.


The A's are always young and they always like to have fun. Their mascot in Stomper the elephant I don't understand, but I guess he's fun? Anyways, maybe starting off the season against the Red Sox in Japan is what they'll need to get this party started off right.

The Clemens - Pettitte Lovefest Pitcher Preview: San Diego Padres

"With baseball season around the corner, we decided it was about time to start looking at the lineups of different teams in California. However, we're too lazy to cover all positions, so we'll just be analyzing those elbow mashing heroes: the pitchers!"

The stingy pitching staff of the San Diego Padres are back to do it again.

Last year, the entire staff led the league in shutouts (20) and ERA (3.70). Having Cy Young winner Jake Peavy and 4-time Cy Young winner Greg Maddux on your team helps a little bit. Peavy led the league last year in wins (19), strikeouts (240), and ERA (2.54). Greg Maddux, where do you began with this guy. 41 years old and still doing his thing with 347 career victories, with none of that steroids and HGH stuff I'm assuming. During a stretch of 59 2/3 innings last year he did not walk a single batter. He walked only 25 batters the entire season, his lowest since 1997. The pitcher-friendly Petco Park might have something to do with that, but hey, it's Greg Maddux! 8-time All Star and won at least 13 games for 20 straight seasons, a major league record.

Jake Peavy, Chris Young, Greg Maddux, Randy Wolf, Mark Prior

We've talked enough about Peavy and Maddux, we know what they can do. Young is a very good pitcher as well. He battled through injuries last year so he couldn't show what he was capable of. During the offseason, Young strengthened his core through pilates and other exercises, so hopefully it pays off because the Padres think that he has Cy Young material too. Wolf and Prior are the bottlenecks of this rotation. The Padres would need them to perform well to have a chance in the always tight and pitcher-heavy NL West. Wolf will look to rebound after the Dodgers did not work out for him. He had a decent first half before injuries took place in the second half. Prior will start the season on the DL, which is already a bad start for him, but he should be game-ready in mid-March. It's okay though, because for $1 million dollars, what can you lose in a guy like him, who had won 18 games and was an All-Star before injuries occurred for 2 seasons, a la Kerry Wood. Until Prior comes back, the Friars will look into their pitching staff for the 5h starter, which would either be Shawn Estes, Glendon Rusch, Clay Hensley, Justin Germano, or Wil Ledezma, who are all decent candidates for the job.

I gotta say though, been there myself, Petco Park is a really darn nice park.

Attention All Bloggers: We Challenge You to a March Madness Pool!

"Bring it On!"

Attention sports bloggers (and regular bloggers) of America. The best time of the year is upon us, March Madness. It’s a sports event that perhaps surpasses the Super Bowl in terms of people watching it based on pure gambling. As you may or may not know, the staff writers here are gambaholics. Just kidding. Actually, no, not kidding.

Anyway, I am an avid reader of another pretty popular blog, Kissing Suzy Kolber. Last year around this time, they had a little bracket showdown with the bloggers of Ladies… where they put their pride on the line and challenged each other to a March Madness pool of death. I thought this was very entertaining for both the bloggers and the readers.

Thus, The Play in California decided that since this was the first chance for us to do the same, why don’t we? That’s why we are here to challenge all you other blogs in a blog versus blog March Madness showdown. The reason we mentioned KSK is that we didn’t want to take credit for an idea that isn’t ours, and we kind of hope that their precedent would set a trend for other blogs to do the same.

How does it work? Simple, we all just join a pool (probably fueled and scored by Yahoo) and average our contributor’s scores with yours. Whoever has a higher score will win a prize that we can negotiate. KSK and the Ladies offered to let the winner write on their blog. We are open to this and any other prize suggestions, except money of course. It’s hard enough to get money from people you already know let alone people you don’t know.

So if you think you can throw down with us, send us an email at kccal31@gmail.com. Just let us know who you are and then we can discuss rules and prizes and shit in the weeks leading up to the Big Dance. We look forward to hearing from you, pussies.

Thank God for CBS.com.

Lakers - Suns Game Proves One Thing: NBA Players Still Hate Raja Bell

"Nice job taking him out, Shaq!"

In his debut, Shaq scored 15 points, surpassing experts’ predictions that the only thing he would produce would be more racist Chinese jokes. I’m sure he’ll deliver those soon. Though, Amare scored 37 points and Nash had 8 assists, Kobe’s 41 points and Gasol’s 29 proved to be too much for the Suns to handle. Barbosa also had 17 points, as well as Grant Hill. The more important stat for Hill was that he had no injuries.

However, the most curious stat though was the number one, as in one teammate to teammate injury that happened during the game. The victim: Raja Bell. The culprit: Big Diesel himself. Now, for those who may not remember, Raja Bell is the same guy who decided to go JBL on Kobe’s ass and knock him a Clothesline From Hell late in the 4th quarter of the 2006 NBA playoffs.

Bell claimed that Kobe was getting away with cheap shots the whole series and that his clothesline was sweet, sweet redemption. Bell’s original reaction:

“It's a personal thing when someone continually hits you in the face. That's the only way I can put it. I've been playing as hard as I can play. I've been trying to do a good job, I've been trying to be what my team needs me to be, and I continually get hit in my face. There doesn't seem to be any boundaries or limitations for what he's allowed to do to me, and at that point, I kind of lost my cool and I took it into my own hands."

Kobe’s reaction:

"I think he overreacts to stuff. ... I don't think about him. ... I don't know this kid. I don't need to know this kid. I don't want to. We go out there and play the game and leave it at that. Maybe he wasn't hugged enough as a kid. I look at him a little bit and he gets a little insecure about something."

So basically Kobe asked the question everyone was asking back then: Who the fuck is Raja Bell?

Flash forward to yesterday. With about 4 minutes left, Raja Bell is prancing around the court when all of a sudden, BOOM! Elbow to the head. Raja is out. Shaq has been informed that he just knocked his teammate out of the game, to which Shaq probably replied: Who the fuck is Raja Bell? The game goes on.

Now, I don’t know what the deal is with Bell. Maybe fresh elbows to his face gets him pumped up for the game. Maybe he has an uncanny mutant power to drawn in elbows like Magneto drawing in metal. Or maybe, in a universal theory everyone can agree on, no one likes him. I think the last theory is the best one.

I’m sure Shaq barely knew the guy and STILL wanted to take him out the game. I can only imagine all the bitching the Raja is going to be doing during the next few practice days.

“Yeah, I respect Shaq, but it’s definitely personal when someone accidentally knocks you out of the game. I mean he has no class. I’ve been busting my ass out there for weeks, then all of a sudden Shaq arrives to the Suns and then he thinks he can start making me his punk. That ain’t right.”

Shaq’s reaction:

“I told you for the last time, I don’t know who Raja Bell is. Raja, is that like an Indian name or something? Tell Raja this…” [insert hilarious racist Indian impression here]

Now I don’t know Raja Bell personally, but I’m pretty sure my theory is concrete. But it’s okay, people can change. Maybe all he needs is a few more hugs.

When the Southwest Was One

"Is it time yet?"

Remember the glory days of the Lakers? The Shaq-Kobe dynasty, Robert Horry’s timeless game winning 3 pointers, the impeccable triangle offense… ah to be 16 again… Unfortunately in life only two things remain certain; death and taxes. The departing of Shaq and the scandal of Kobe Bryant took the attention away from one of NBA’s most prolific dynasties. Barely making it into the playoffs year in and year out, with all the weight resting on Kobe Bryant’s shoulders, the team that has kept GM’s awake at night for the past 3 decades no longer seemed to scare anyone. …and that’s when the 2006-2007 season ended. Kobe’s plea for help, albeit butchered by the media, brought about unity amongst his squad. A few years of struggle allowed several young players to mature (Turiaf, Farmar, Bynum, etc.), and several other players to suck miserably (Odom, Grant, Brown, Smush Parker!); all allowing the men upstairs to create a brilliant plan of attack for the 2007-2008 season. With Phil Jackson behind the wheel, the Lakers cruised into this season as a team, not as patrons attending the Kobe Bryant show, but as a team centered around balanced passing, and team defense.

Then Pau Gasol entered the realm and gave the Lakers the steroid injection they so desperately needed. Adding a mobile big man to the team has not only matured the Lakers into containing one of the deadliest starting 5 in the NBA, but also by far the team with the deepest bench. Yes, it is true that Kobe no longer needed to score 30 points a game because of the play by Bynum, Sasha, and Vladimir; but Pau Gasol changes everything.

*A little history on Pau Gasol

When the Memphis Grizzlies drafted Pau Gasol, they had hopes that he would be the next Tim Duncan; a player the Grizzlies could build around and one who would bring the Grizzlies into playoff contention. Yet, the Grizzlies overlooked one thing. When seeing film from his days in Spain, they only saw Gasol’s amazing play on the boards, in the paint, and on defense. It took until the 2004 Olympics before anyone in the states actually realized the Spanish team is exceptionally talented and boosted Gasol’s capabilities. This idea was further reiterated when Spain, led but not carried by Gasol, won the FIBA World championships in 2006. The Grizzlies, a poor and misguided team, no longer felt the need to keep Gasol, and worked lethargically to trade him. For the past 3 years his name has surfaced in and out of trade scenarios, yet he was never traded. What the Lakers did to get him I will never understand but nevertheless the impact he will make can be seen in both stats and in history.

Gasol has averaged 18 points and 8 rebounds his entire career. Yes, the Grizzlies need a much more productive player…but the Lakers don’t. The stat that should raise all Los Angeles’ eyebrows is that fact that he has consistently shot 50% from the field his entire career. Logically, that number can only improve since he will no longer need to take the pressured shots, the three pointers with the clock winding down, or the double teamed shots…all thanks to Kobe Bryant. And on top of that he adds another 8 rebounds per game..so when Kobe goes 3 for 13 as he did Gasol’s first night in Los Angeles, they still win.

And just as the Sun began to shine on the beautiful Hollywood sign, a transaction occurred 400 miles east that would cause a rumbling all across the south west. Shaq’s arrival into Phoenix marked a revived rivalry between the Lakers and Suns that had previously been dominated by the Suns. Yet, surprisingly only the Lakers have been hailed as geniuses; the Suns are being marked as having just executed the boldest blunder of Steve Kerr’s young career.

I for one disagree.

Yes, the Suns are no longer the fastest team in the NBA. Yes, Shaq is old, broken, and is probably a better horse jockey then he is a center in the NBA (but only if he has his vitamin water!). And Yes, Shawn Marion was probably one of the top 3 most all around players in the NBA (check your fantasy league). But, the Suns need Shaq. The Suns have a great set of guards, all of which can score and pass, and have blazing speed. The team overall can put up 120 points on anyone on any given night. Yet, why has it been seemingly impossible for them to beat the Spurs or Mavericks come playoff time? The answer lies clearly in the paint. Lets dissect the Spurs –Suns matchup. Amare Stoudemire, with all his talent and capabilities, is no match for Tim Duncan. Tim Duncan, played one on one, will score 30 points a night on 60% shooting. Tony Parker is an amazing ball handler and can direct a pass coming out from Tim Duncan to the wide open shooter, or drive and take it to the whole himself. Nash can hand with Tony, but not when its 4 on 5. And with all this running around, chasing the Spurs in their half court ball distribution; the fastest team in the NBA just went into cardiac arrest. Sprinting is possible through the regular season, when you are playing teams that don’t have a big man in the middle, or a set of guards that can make you pay if you double up; but there is no way one can survive that style of play against the Spurs, Mavericks, Rockets, Pistons, or Celtics. And it is for this reason alone, that Shaq’s acquisition should have caused a lot of GM’s, as well as critics and analysts, to cringe.

Sure Shaq won’t be able to play more than 20 minutes in a game, and he won’t score 20 points or even grab 15 boards in a game. But Shaq can defend against Duncan. And Shaq can eat Nowitski. And on the flip side, on healthy knees, Shaq can easily back down any center in the NBA and force a double team. And that’s when the Suns become the aggressor; possessing the ability to make other teams chase and rotate around the double team. And suddenly, a team that was considered the fastest full court team no more, is now the fastest half court team in the NBA.

Shaq, when backing down a defender in the paint, will see the double team coming and will have Nash, Bell, Barbosa, or Diaw, to pass the ball too. Each of these players can catch shoot, or can drive to the hole faster than the defense can keep their eye on the ball. So it really doesn’t matter that they’ll lose their fast break potential with Shaq being on the floor; because they now have a fast break every time a team decides to double up.

The debate regarding who is the bigger threat out of the west, the Lakers or the Suns, will be the subject of another article. But if what I say is legitimate, the NBA should get the answer to that question come playoff time, provided the Lakers are healthy, and Shaq is too.

When Kyle Kendrick Really Gets Shipped to Japan, It Won't Be So Funny

"Fuck me."

With baseball season around the corner, we’ve noticed that there has been a lack of baseball posts from us writers. However, never fear, because baseball season is here (50 cent eat your heart out, on second thought, please don’t shoot me.) Expect to see some sexy hot MLB spring training previews on all the clubs that occupy the greater California region (and not the shitty ones like Eureka). To kick off the glorious 2008 training, we decided to talk about what everyone else is talking about. No, not steroids, rookie pranks! Though not specifically related to California, a prank like this only comes up once in a while.

The premise: Phillies rookie Kyle Kendrick believes he has been traded to Japan. Basically, Kendrick walks into the office of manager Charlie Manuel’s office and is informed that he has been traded to Japan for one Kobayashi Iwamura. It was well staged too. There was media asking Kendrick questions on his reaction. Naturally, the ball player asked if there was good food in Japan. And steroids (I know, I’m beating a dead horse).

The ruse was all over when prank conjurer Brett Myers came in and announced he had been punked. Hilarious. Myers then proceeded to show Kendrick the right way to tell a reporter that he/she is a “fucking idiot” and a “retard.” Okay, that didn’t really happened, but I’m sure it will eventually.

Even though the prank is all fun and games, the REAL funny part is going to be when Kendrick actually does gets shipped off somewhere else, either Japan or the minors. I can only imagine the situation:

Charlie Manuel: Hey Kyle, have a seat.

Kendrick: Sure thing, what’s up boss?

Manuel: I got some bad news for you son, you’re going to be sent off to Japan for one Hideo Matsuzaki.

Kendrick: Haha, good one coach.

Manuel: No, I’m serious this time.

Kendrick: Haha, okay coach sure. You can drop the act now.

Manuel: There is no act.

Kendrick then realizes he actually is going to be traded.

Kendrick: What?!?!?!

Manuel: Sorry son.

Kendrick: …Man, fuck this team then! You’re a fucking idiot-retard Manuel!

Awkward silence.

Manuel: Um yeah...., ummm....., so how about them Eagles?

Told you he would eventually learn that one! He wouldn’t even need to be told he was going to Japan to get that mad, someone would just tell him he’s being traded to the Giants.

Well, now that pranks have come and gone, baseball season is ready to start, so keep your eyes peeled on some baseball posts coming soon.

I Liked All Star Saturday More Than Sunday

"He can still play with one hand, right?"

With all the anticipation and hoopla that comes around with the All Star game, it was kind of disappointing for Californians to realize that only one man from all the teams in California made it to the All-Star game. That man was Kobe Bryant of course. To support the great state of California, I decided that I would pay an invested interest in watching the All-Star game for the sole purpose of watching Kobe Bryant play. There were rumors swarming around that Kobe wasn’t going to play due to injuries. One half of me thought no way he wasn’t going to play, he loves this weekend. Another half was thinking, well if he does play it won’t be long. And another part of me was hoping that all of the west team gets a case of the stomach flu and are replaced by a Golden State Warriors team that’s flown in straight from Oakland. Yeah, that didn’t happen.

Instead, Kobe stepped on the court and played a little. A few minutes later, he was on the bench, and that was it for California. Yay.

Then, I was forced to watch the rest of the game. True, I could have changed the channel, but I was just too mesmerized by the Eastern team’s jerseys (half white, half blue, you must be loco!) As I watched highlight after highlight, dunk after dunk, I dawned upon an epiphany: this is a little boring.

Don’t get me wrong here. I am no way advocating that watching highlights unfold in front of my eyes wasn’t fun to watch, it’s just that the game itself isn’t that exciting. The main ingredient missing from it is drama. The All-Star game has nothing on the line, and rarely close. Even this year when it was close, I just didn’t feel the excitement. It was tied with one minute left, but it just didn’t seem like it. No defense and tons of clips doesn’t always equal high suspense. In short, it wasn’t going to wind down to a buzzer beating college type situation.

Then another revelation dawned upon me, I had way more fun watching All-Star Saturday. I admit, any event not named the slam dunk contest was as fun as watching sap harden on trees, but the finale is the only thing that ever counts. Look at Super Bowl 42.

I guess this opinion stems from my own preference of high drama. The slam dunk contest is made for that kind of stuff. Anything that is judged already brings up five notches in excitement. Judges are like wild cards, you never know what they’ll deal. A grade A+ dunk can garner a low score from any bone headed judge (ie Karl Malone). Thus, this helps lubricate debate among the people watching. It gets people to engage in discussion. Debate is a good thing because it’s such high entertainment, especially when people are drunk and ready to brawl.

The dunk contest also has build up. Waiting 5 minutes to see the guys set up props like cupcakes and miniboards is all part of the excitement. It makes you wonder what the hell they are going to do as several situations run through your mind. It keeps you on the edge of the seat. The game itself though is just like any other basketball game, except with more flash. It’s not build up flash either, it’s flash that just happens left and right, which ironically sucks the fun out of it. Dwight Howard was more fun to watch on Saturday than Sunday.

I’m not really complaining or bitching or anything. I still enjoyed watching the All-Star game, even is Kobe only played 2 seconds. I just found the dunk contest more enjoyable. Guess I’m more of a dummy basketball fan who just isn’t into the game itself that much. It’s the reason why my sports knowledge goes down 80 percent when the football season is over.

El Viaje Misterioso de U-Doce, or How I Spent My Super Bowl Weekend

Normally, on a Sunday, we'd look forward to some sexy NFL action. However, the season is over, and we're trying to hold on to the last sheds of the season that we can. Hey, Patriot fans do it! Believe it or not, u12 was actually on hand in Arizona during the Super Bowl. Thus, he did some reporting for us from Glendale. Unfortunately, his reporting is about two weeks late. Nonetheless, we didn't want good journalism to go to waste, so enjoy!

I know I know, the Super Bowl is over. Its been over for a while and now I am writing my post on it. I blew it, yeah. Well, nevertheless I hope you guys enjoy.

So Wednesday before Super Bowl Sunday I am on my way home from work and I am on the phone with a buddy of mine from college. We are shooting shit, discussing nothing important when I tell him how I really want to go on a roadtrip of some sort. Conversation ends, I go home. Within 15 minutes, I receive another phone call…”Dude, pack your bags its going down!”

"The Super Bowl party Civic!"

Roughly 60 hours later, we are on the 10, passing through Palm Springs en route to Glendale, Arizona. Albeit 100 miles longer, the drive was significantly easier than the drive to the bay area. No cow poo smell, no large mountains to climb or windy 1 lane segments…just the famous Arizona hills and cactus surrounding the freeway lanes. Really, for about 200 miles of the trip you can’t tell you moved at all because the setting in the background does not change much.

"First cactus out of 232,242,123"

Our first point of business was to take part in the activities at the stadium. Expecting huge buildings and attractions surrounding the stadium, we were mighty appalled by the isolation of the stadium. The only huge building worth noting was the University of Phoenix building, which offers great online degrees to you and yours! The stadium itself was quite remarkable and the festivities were also rather entertaining. I did notice that a surprisingly large number of athletes and past Super Bowl heroes did leave the stadium in S550’s; maybe that’s the car to buy after you retire who knows? There was a parade we witnessed, but that wasn’t really cool the only headline was Smokey the Bear. Numerous attempts were made to shake Smokey the Bear’s hand and take a picture with him, but the police denied our requests and Smoke pranced along. We were not pleased. Heading up north past the stadium a little bit, we found a tiny quiet little town where the inhabitants still think John Wayne and Pancho Villa are Gods. The bar was not fun, we left scared and confused.

"So this is what white people do for fun."

Travelling from Glendale, through Phoenix, en route to Tempe, home of the Sun Devils and the biggest partyers in the country, we noticed how big Los Angeles really is. The entire state is comprised of 4 major cities; Tuscon, Phoenix, Scottsdale, and Tempe. All of which are relatively close to one another yet it definitely felt like we were in the desert when traveling from one city to the next.

Stopping at Mills Ave, opened our eyes to the world outside of the metropolitan Los Angeles and San Diego. Attempting to find a specific bar my friend was at, we asked random people bar hopping just like we were. The unprovoked kindness we were given while being directed to our destination was truly unforgettable. We even discussed how if this was LA, we probably would have been hit by a Gucci purse or punched by a gangster or something. Throughout the night it became more and more apparent that people in California are just meaner then people in Arizona.

"My friend had a major bladder problem."

In my eyes it was split down the middle, 50-50 in terms of who people were rooting for. I saw just as many Shockey jerseys as I did Brady jerseys. The best sports article of clothing I saw were on the tops of 4 white women; with the name of Tom Brady crossed out by a big red encircled X. Take that Tom. And with as much garbage talking, and honking and hollering at people who were wearing opposing colors as you; the night was ridiculously mild and lacking tension of any sort. People were just out having a good time and enjoying the atmosphere.

Then it was gameday. Being cheap undergraduate and graduate college students, we found the 50 dollar parking 1 mile away from the stadium to be rather ridiculous. We circled the stadium a few times, saw 2 pimps in purple velvet suits walking to the stadium. We yelled and screamed at them. They nodded and shook their pimp canes at us smiling. It was a glorious Sunday afternoon. After making numerous circles and going to one empty bar after another, we found our way to Scottsdale, where ESPN was stationed, as well as the Bud Light girls, and a large population of sophisticated Arizonians. I cannot remember the name of the street we were on, but it felt just like Mills Ave next to Arizona State, except everyone had an extra 2 zeros at the end of their bank balance. Yet, this wasn’t the arrogant Hollywood crowd one might have expected. These were real fans jumping up and down, screaming, trash talking, making our Super Bowl experience worthwhile, all in a tasteful and clean manner.

"Not as sunny as I thought it would be."

The predicting camel had spoken a while back suggesting the Giants would upset the Patriots. Yet, the Giants won the coin toss, suggesting that they would be like 17 of the past 21 teams and would lose the game. After the first half, who would win was inconclusive, but who was bored out of their mind was not. At this point, our 1 on 1 football game with a permanent quarterback and a cheerleader, held in the parking lot of a pizza parlor was significantly more exciting. The third quarter demonstrated only what the first and second quarter had established; and I found myself more impressed by the Italian soda my girlfriend had purchased then the game itself. The 4^th quarter supplied enough excitement to make up for the first three, as well as place this game in the Super Bowl hall of fame as one of the best endings ever. Eli Manning’s courageous escape from the grasp of three defenders potentially was one of the most exciting plays in Super Bowl history. And in the end, Bill Belichick showed his poor sportsmanship and Michael Strahan showed the gigantic gap between his teeth and the biggest upset in the history of football had just unfolded. What was interesting was the reactions of the fans after the game; Patriots fans were actually showed severe disappointment. I truly expected most of the fans to not be so disheartened for they were probably band wagon fans anyway but I was really wrong. I will never forget the tears rolling down the eyes of a 70 year old man wearing an old school Patriots letterman jacket as he stands beside his wife, who was wearing the same jacket...such true fans.

Hovering around the ESPN setup where the post game show was to occur, we absorbed our last moments of the Super Bowl, hopped in the car, and set forth back to reality.

"So long Arizona."

Complexities of the Jason Kidd Trade

Jason Kidd, a living triple-double machine. 99 career triple-doubles, to be exact, or somewhere in that ballpark. Co-Rookie of the Year back in 1995 with Grant Hill. Multiple All-Star appearances and starter for this year's squad. Fantastic NBA player, wonderful college player for 2 years with Cal with his retired #5 jersey, and sensational high school baller at St. Joseph of Notre Dame High winning the Naismith Award for the nation's top high school player as a senior who averaged 25.0 ppg, 10.0 apg, 7.0 rpg, and 7.0 spg.

Currently, he's averaging 11.3 ppg, 8.1 rpg, 10.4 apg for the lowly New Jersey Nets, surprisingly holding onto the 7th playoff spot in the Eastern Conference with a 23-30 record (0.434). A man who's about 35 years of age, yet still on top of his game. So who wouldn't want to have a guy like him on their team? That's why Mark Cuban and the Dallas Mavericks jumped at the chance to trade for this phenomenal player. That's why LeBron James wanted the Cavs to do whatever they can to get him too.

The deal was pretty much done, sending Jason Kidd and Malik Allen to the Mavericks in exchange for Devin Harris, Jerry Stackhouse, DeSagana Diop, Maurice Ager, Devean George, 2 future first-round picks, and $3 million. Now, that's a shitload of people/money to give up. But I guess that's what you need to get further in the playoffs right? "WE BELIEVE" so. So what's the problem?

"Helllll to the nahh!!"

Devean George. Understandable. If I was him, I wouldn't want to get traded from one of the best teams to one of the worst with no chance of a major playoff run. Weirdly, he has the final say in this deal, due to his 1-year contract with the Larry Bird rights. To simplify things, he can say no to it, which he did. However, ESPN sources did say that he was willing to agree to the deal if he gets more playing time than he did for the Nets than he did starting for the Mavs. Psssh, yeah right, "playing time." Just admit that you want to play for a championship caliber team.

OK. Devean George could work out. So what's the other problem now?

"I get 30 days to rest, then I'll be right back"

Jerry Stackhouse. Direct quote. 30-day rule, spurring from Gary Payton (Boston)/Antoine Walker (Atlanta) trade in 2005 where Boston ended up with both players when the Hawks waived Payton and the Celtics signed him right back after 3 days, which is now changed to 30. Since Stackhouse's big mouth said this publicly, NBA officials didn't like it, so they might not approve it after all, because the Nets were expected to waive Stackhouse after the trade, who would then re-sign with the Mavs after 30 days.

So how does Mark Cuban feel about this?

"I hate you all!! You all go to hell!! I just want to win, damn it!!"

At least he's honest. But think hard about it, Mark. Do you really want Jason Kidd. I mean, I guess he is pretty darn good, and he did have a pretty hot wife...

...but that marriage is done, with years of accusing each other of domestic violence and whatnot. I feel sorry for the poor little kids. *Sigh* what a life. Anyways, so yeah Mark, who are you really getting in Jason Kidd? You better hope it's not this one:

Is he really going to help the Mavericks get over the hump? Maybe you should let the Nets take him. LeBron would love it. And you MUST leave some good players left in the Eastern Conference. The West can't get too dominant. C'mon, give the East a little break, Mark. Be a nice fella once in a while and take off that "MFF!" shirt and wear a shirt with a happy smiley face like the one below. The fans would LOOOOVE you.

But don't worry, you can always get some other player, and you know who's an awesome free agent?

"Name a better back-up point guard."

Gary Payton, the trash-talking glove! That's a direct quote as well. Think about it, the media would love him. The Mavs would get more exposure. The fans would love him too. Everything would work out just fine! He will be tons of fun with tons of quotes for all of us to enjoy. However, if you want him, you better act quickly, because sources said the Celtics were interested in him after failing to sign Damon "Mighty Mouse" Stoudamire. Also, you're going to hate this: the Warriors were also previously linked to the Oakland native. And "WE BELIEVE" that you don't want the Warriors to beat you again, right?

So what's your next move?

"Be a man, dooo the righht thang!"

The Game is Over For Josh Booty and a Certain Rapper (They Got Arrested)

The game of basketball. Steal, pass, assist, shoot. Zone defense. Full court press. Triangle offense. The occasional dunk. Then there's the NBA and the Larry O'Brien trophy. From the street to high school to college to the NBA, the game of basketball brings to us tons and tons of excitement and entertainment.

Below are some images of what basketball has brought to us in history:

Wilt's 100

Jordan's 6 championships

Wave your hands in the air if you feel fine
We're gonna take it into overtime
Welcome to the Space Jam

Bow Wow when he was still Lil'

Christian Laettner - Duke 104, Kentucky 103

Retro Jordans

Hanes

With all that basketball has brought to us fans, why is the game over? Because "The Game" aka Jacyeon Terrell Taylor, former G-Unit member, is going to be locked down in jail. Therefore, the game is over. He will be in jail for 60 days, due to an incident back in May 2007 when he punched someone, I imagine it's a poor little innocent teenager, during a pickup basketball game at the Rita Walters Educational Learning Complex in Compton, where "The Game" himself is from. What made it worse was that he pulled out a gun. What made it even more worse, or less worse, was that "The Game" said he's had guns before in his life, but not this time. He said he chose the go-to-jail option to save money instead of spending millions to defend himself.

Maybe he loves this game so much he would shoot and kill for it. Anyways, why did I write this irrelevant post? Because I couldn't think of anything else to write it on, because Compton is located in southern California, and more importantly, someone else got arrested recently. This guy:

Oh Josh Booty, where have all the cowboys gone? Those of you not aware with Josh Booty's arrest can go here. He got beaten and tased. I wonder if he yelled out "Don't tase me brah!"

A Valentine's Day Special: Rick Neuheisel 's Guide to the Ladies

"Doesn't that face scream moral character?"

Hey numbnut citizens of America, it’s your party boy and new coach of UCLA football Rick Neuheisel here with a special Valentine’s Day treat for all you losers out there trying to get some. Now, let me tell you, if there’s anything slick Rick knows more than football, it’s the ladies. Don’t believe all those horrible stories that have shown up in the Seattle Times about my tenure at Washington. I definitely had no idea any of that stuff was going on behind my back. People criticize me saying that I overlooked all that hoopla in the background. They’re damn right I overlooked it. When people overlook stuff, it means they look past it, and I think there’s nothing more past it than not looking at all. Makes sense right? No? Well you can get punched in the face, my friend. In either case, I had no responsibility in it, all right? I mean what kind of scumbag do you think I am?

(NOTE: In all seriousness, I, Kccal think he is a HUGE scumbag. Replacing a bad coach with a bad person doesn’t make things better.)

Anyway, if you fellas out there need advice with the fairer sex, I am your man to talk to. In fact, I think I’ll answer some e-mails right now. Think of it as Loveline from a guy who is creepy rather than one who pretends not to be. I’m on to you, Drew!

Rick, I have no Valentine this year, what should I do?

Hm… that’s a tough one. I myself wouldn’t know how to get some ‘tang if I wasn’t a football player or coach or someone associated with football. I assume you’re not or else you’d have a date by now, you loser. I don’t know, what do kids do these days? Go to the movies? Drive ins? If none of that works, just go with roofies. Jeremy Stevens told me about that one. Remember though, don’t blame me, because I “overlooked” it!

Rick, a girl asked me to be her Valentine’s date, but I want to say no, and let her down gently. What should I do?

Say no? Are you gay or something? Look, I know not every broad is the belle of the ball, but if a girl is asking you out, then she’s practically begging to play dirty night night games with you after dinner. If anyone knows how to read women, it’s slick Rick here.

Rick, my girlfriend is expecting some big surprise for Valentine’s Day, what should I do? Should I buy a bottle of champagne for a romantic evening?

Whoa whoa whoa buddy, what’s with the bubbly? I know we’re men and all, but we’re not made out of gold. If you get your lady some fine fizzy, who knows what the hell she’ll want next year. First it’ll be a diamond necklace, then a car, and then a restraining order (at least that’s what happened to one of my players at UW). Start off slower, then slowly build up the value of your gifts. I suggest MGD. It’s cheap and it looks fancy! Two birds with one stone!

Rick, I’ve heard a lot of bad things about you and your football players, why should we trust you with our advice?

Now listen, I know in the past I’ve gotten a bad rap. It may be true that many of my players have done horrible things such as assault, robbery, battery, drugs, and rape (this is all true by the way), but that was then. I’m here to start a new, and I figured helping young people with their love problems is the first step to rebuilding my reputation. Besides, all that stuff happened in Seattle, where it’s crazy all the time. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen in LA, right?

The Next Sports Stars to Follow in Latrell's Footsteps: California Style

As you know, Latrell Sprewell is broke. Real broke, MC Hammer broke. This got me thinking… with so many superstars lacking financial knowledge, what Californian athlete is going to be in the red next?

#10 : Karl Dorell

Fresh off the booting by UCLA , he was scooped up by the Dolphins as wide receivers coach. Soon Miami will realize just what those here in Westwood have learned the hard way, Dorell is utterly useless. The lack of quality wide receivers, an ogre in Parcells breathing down your back, and Dorell’s sheer lack of intelligence, all will combine to the early retirement of Dorell. Dorell having no experience in anything else will resort to coaching a pee wee league, where he then will be fired for incompetence. Finally, in desperation, Dorell will do what just about everyone else in America is doing, and become a consultant; attempting to help other coaches with coaching strategies. His company will turn over and so will he.

#9 OJ Simpson

Wait…hes already financial done. Sorry.

#8 Reggie Bush

His shady tactics in Southern California will catch up to him and he will be forced to return his Heisman as well as the money that he was compensated. The Saints will cut him because his left and right running style will prove to fail miserably in the NFL. He will realize he is going under and attempt to gain money by posing in pictures with B class celebrities like Kim kardashian. Unfortunately, the paparazzi doesn’t pay to take your picture, so he will be broke.

#7 Alex Smith

While running walk through drills during spring training, he will be sacked by Patrick Willis, because Patrick Willis doesn’t take a play off. Smith will receive disability and will become a sports reporter for the channel 5 news in the bay area, only to be sacked again by Patrick Willis. This time, he will be unable to work and will have to sell all of his financial assets, that being his parents’ home that he rents a room in. God this photo is so gay.

#6 The entire Oakland A’s team

With the housing market turning over and the country in preparation for a recession, the Oakland A’s will all go in the red when they realize Billy Beane just doesn’t pay them anything. All these years of brainwashing them, telling them that this is just how much baseball players make has left every single A’s player in a financial burden. A few might make it ok by signing with other teams, but the majority of them will be in red for sure.

#5 LaDanien Tomlinson

(Sorry San Diego) This aspiring athlete, after showing his true colors against the Patriots, will groan and moan all throughout spring training and summer camps. Finally, Phillip Rivers will lead an uprising against the team leader, and will move to replace him with both Turner and Sproules. Tomlinson will then cry on camera, yelling and pouting that SD is just being unfair, and will refuse to play with anyone anymore. This, being a horrible financial move, will put him in the red as well.

#4 Phillip Rivers

(Again, sorry San Diego) High and happy on his mature decision to remove LT, Rivers will play in his first game without LT. While in London, against the Saints, Turner will not hold up as a solid blocking running back, allowing Patrick Willis to come out of the stands and sack Rivers. Rivers will be done for the season, allowing the Chargers to realize they could have gone farther without him. He will be cut, and will join LT in the red.

#3 Chris Webber

Oakland is bouncing. The city is excited. Webber is back! Chris Webber, following the hype of his own name, will sell all of his assets and move into a bigger house in Oakland. He will then average 4 points 2 rebounds and 3 turnovers in 10 minutes of game play for 2 weeks, and will be cut by the Warriors. Upon arriving at his own home that night, he will realize that the rap group, the Luniz, actually did rob him. It is Oakland after all. He will foreclose and enter the red.


#2 Sharkie the San Jose mascot

Sharkie, loved by all that reside in San Jose, will fall into hard times by the negative publicity he has been receiving by local San Jose gang members. With too many shark tattoos and references to San Jose being Shark City, The Sharks will change their name to “the poo looking snake that is located downtown”. Sharkie will no longer be needed as a mascot. He will attempt to join a San Jose gang, but that will end when he realizes he cannot make it through the initiation phase. He will then enter the hospital, as well as the red.

#1 Ron Artest

Ron Artest will receive minimal popularity for the CD, My World, he released in 2006…in 2008. He will let it go to his head and attempt to make a music video. Unfortunately for Ron Artest he is a busy man so he will film the video while he is playing in a home game. As part of the video, he will beat up a group of white fans with his entourage. This act will leave him out of the NBA permanently. 50 cent will see this video and sign him as a member of G-G-G Unit! 50 cent will again go on the radio, saying that Artest and he will create duet album and challenge Kanye West. Except this time, if they lose they actually will retire. They will lose miserably, again. 50 cent will sell G-Unit and live off of his earnings as being a major stock holder of Vitamin Water, which is now owned by the Coca Cola Co., but Ron Artest will have nothing. Ron, still believing in his rap career, will team up with Sprewell and Chris Webber to make a rap group…but their demo tape will be tackled by Patrick Willis and thus ruined. The end.

Are the 20 Inch Sprewell's No Longer Spinning? Sadly, No, Because He's Broke

"Apparently they're going to come from welfare checks."

Trell Spending Sprewell is broke. Yes, you heard right, the man who used to make 15 million a year is now going to be making negative 1 million a year.

According to the USA Today article, Sprewell recently sold his yacht for 850,000 dollars, needing to do so to pay his debt of 1.3 million on the boat (do the math). However, Sprewell’s financial burdens have escalated far beyond just his boat. Just recently, Citizens Bank filed a foreclosure lawsuit against Sprewell and his Milwaukee home.

I'm not sure if anyone else finds it ironic that his boat was named "Milwaukee's Best." At first, I thought the name referred to Spree himself. Now, I think it just refers to the boat.

One has to wonder what the hell he was spending his money on to garner such a debt. Making 15 million a year can buy you a lot of things. Sometimes even I fathom how people can blow away so much money so fast. The only thing I can really imagine is Spree going on daily shopping binges, buying the most ridiculous items in the world. Rocket ponies, Siberian grizzlies, sweatshop workers, monkeys that type novels, you name it, Sprewell has probably purchased it. My money is that he has probably bought these in the thousands...

Makes sense though. It's kind of hard for him to get one of those.

Even more unfathomable is how Sprewell quit the game when (I assume) his debt was racking up. It's not like Sprewell was out of shape or turning old, he was still playing pretty decent at the time of his retirement. Remember, Sprewell turned down a 3 year 21 million dollar contract extension because he apparently needed to feed his family; boy are his kids gonna be mad at him now.

Sprewell probably wished for the good old days when the only thing he had to worry about was what coach choking technique he should utilize during practice.

"Oh how the mighty have fallen. That's what you get for goin' Kurt Angle on me, you asshole."

We Stink at Making Predictions, But We Still Make Them

"We predict that he will not be happy."

Yeah so we kind of suck again. Basically a week after we failed miserably at predicting the Super Bowl, we had another stinker prediction. We kind of boasted that the Pac-10 was the best basketball conference in the land, with the crown jewel being UCLA basketball. We even thought that UCLA was a bit underrated considering that many “bracketologist” had UCLA at a shocking 2 seed instead of number 1. Outrage, we cried, UCLA is going to prove to you guys that they are number one!

Then, they shatted on themselves with a disappointing loss to Washington. Yeah, our bad.

You think making these picks are easy? Okay they are, and we realize a drunk guy who is addicted to valium could make more logical predictions then we ever could. We actually know that guy. His name is Ted, and he hangs out in front of the 7-11 in front of Telegraph Ave. He’s pretty cool actually.

It’s not like we’re psychics or anything. Do we look like Sylvia Browne? My friend told me about Ms. Browne. Apparently, she has communication with angels and heaven, and people believer her. If we were that good at conning, uh I mean being psychic, then we all would have been millionaires right now skiing down Aspen while throwing money at poor people’s faces. But we’re not that smart. Damnit.

Does this mean our rotten streak is going to end us making predictions once and for all? Hell no. In fact, here are some predictions I will make right now off the top of my head:

The Mighty Ducks will change their name to the Feral Ducks.

Joe Millionaire is coming back, trust me on this one.

Shaq will start his own restaurant chain in LA called Shaq’s Ching Chong Ching Chong Chinese food.

Marion Jones will be the next star of American Gladiators, until she fails a drug test.

Philip Rivers will stop being a douchebag.

Ron Artest will narrowly beat Kanye West for best rap album in 2009.

The Oakland A’s will make their move to Fremont and will then be called the Oakland-Bay Fair- Fremont-San Jose-South San Francisco A’s.

The Angels will replace the Rally Monkey with the Rally Gorilla, which will lead to six deaths after the prime ape goes on a rampage.

The Play in CA will get more than 2 viewers a day.

The original line up of the Beatles will reunite.

We’ll create technology to bring people back from the dead.

After another abysmal season by Alex Smith, Frank Gore will be the first ever person to play a hybrid position of Running Back – Quarterback.

OJ Simpson will donate 1 million dollars to help build a new library at USC, and will then rob it 2 days later.

Chris Webber will be an all star again, then the Warriors will trade him.

The Lakers and Clippers will combine to one team and will be known as the Clipkers.

Los Angeles will have an NFL team after the USC Trojans all decide to go pro at the same time.

Cal State Bakersfield will begin their NCAA Basketball dynasty.

The writer’s strike will go on until 2012 where at that point the Real World Road Rules Challenge will be winning Best Drama every year at the Emmys.

Ron Paul will be the next president of the United States.

Reggie Theus will be fired from the Kings. His replacement will be Dennis Haskins, the guy who played Mr. Belding on Saved by the Bell. (I think he was a basketball coach in one of the episodes).

Google will buy out the Sharks. The Sharks will then be owned by douchebags, which eventually makes them douchebags as well. Philip Rivers will then join the team.

So You're Saying I'm Not Playing In the Pro Bowl Today?

"Man, and I was ready to show Brett and Romo that I can play with the big boys!"

I'm not playing today? Really, c'mon coach McCarthy, can't you see I'm Pro Bowl material? I mean, I think my stats earned me a spot on the team. Right?

So what if I threw more interceptions than touchdowns during the season? Who doesn't once in a while? I'm only human, okay man. Plus, I was hurt. I mean, imagine if you had to do your job with an injury. I don't think you'd be at 100 percent. You probably wouldn't get those invoices typed so fast with a broken index finger, now would you? Give me a break, okay?

So that means I get to play today, right guys? If I wasn’t injured, I would have totally broken some records. You guys would be asking yourself, Tom who? Or more like you’d be asking yourself, why is Alex Smith so awesome?

No? I still don’t get to play? The injury excuse wasn’t good enough. Well how about the fact that my receivers aren’t very good? Will that get me to Hawaii? Tom Brady and Peyton Manning, they have guys like Randy Moss and Reggie Wayne to throw to. Who do I have? Darrell Jackson? That guy drops passes as often as Wade Phillips eats hot dogs. And that’s pretty often. Ashley Lelie? I always get him confused with this one girl I hooked up with down on the Mission. Arnaz Battle? Try not playing like shit once in a while. Jason Hill? I didn't even know you existed until today.

With receivers like that, I should get an automatic spot in Hawaii.

Still no? Aww man, then what am I going to do with this plane ticket I just bought on Cheapoair.com? What, you mean Pro Bowlers don’t have to pay for their own plane ticket? The NFL spots them on it? No body told me! Man, I just wasted like 400 bucks.

Can’t I just get one snap or something? I mean I got the ticket and I even got my helmet shipped over by Fed Ex. I even ordered a cake that says “Congratulations Alex!” Still no? Really?

Really?!?!?Sigh............... *plays Eric Clapton - Tears in Heaven in the background*

Pac -10: More Than Just a Football Conference

We all know UCLA is big on basketball. And we all hate Joakim Noah. He's ugly as hell, (though Lorenzo Mata is a close second). Now, although the last sentences aren’t at all relevant to this article, the first one is, so give me a break. Don’t look now, but after facing a setback with the loss to USC, UCLA has brought itself back into the top 3, and, along with Duke, closing in on undefeated Memphis. And although this story has been told time and time again over the past few years, the rest of the Pac-10 has been relatively quiet. But let’s look at that top 25 poll one more time; notice Stanford? They are currently in 9^th place. How about Wazzu? They are in 17^th place. And just outside of the top 25 are Arizona and USC. That’s 5 out of the 10 Pac 10 teams that could potentially be in the top 25, three of which are currently in the top 20.

But more significantly, look at the strength of schedules these teams have endured. USC lost by 4 points to the 2^nd ranked Memphis and 4^th ranked Kansas on back to back games. Yet, 70-45 was the final score of their demolition of Southern Illinois, a team ranked 19^th at the time. Washington State, having played a ranked team 5 times, only once played and defeated an out of division ranked team, Gonzaga. Arizona lost by a total of 7 points to #10 Michigan State and #8 Texas; while Arizona State butchered #17 Xavier earlier this season.

And upon reading these stats you might say to yourself, “ok so they are in close games with the big teams but they don’t really win them all.” First of all, fuck you. Second, one must remember we are talking about teams that go without discussion or acknowledgment for the entire season; teams that aren’t basketball schools. And yet, a couple calls going the other way and a couple swishes instead of bricks, and USC and Arizona could be in the top 15. And if all these teams didn’t have to face UCLA twice a year, they would have a guaranteed one less loss, if not two.

So when March madness comes around, hopefully the Pac-10 will prove what I’ve been preaching for quite some while now and show the country that the west can play basketball too. And if I'm wrong, I will be awarded no points, and may God have mercy on my soul. I'm not sure how many of you people got the reference, but it's from this movie.

A Letter to Fox: How Do You Raise Ratings For the Pro Bowl? More Terminator - Fox Robot Fights!

"Don't tease us like that!"

Dear Fox Sports,

This weekend you are broadcasting the 2008 Pro Bowl, hoping to garner in ratings from the leftover football fans that are dying to get their last taste of NFL action before the season is over. You hope that this will pay off and that a rating blitz will occur on Sunday. I hate to disappoint you, but you most certainly will not.

This is the Pro Bowl after all. LT could gain 500 yards, throw 2 touchdowns, and save a little Hawaiian girl from a burning building all during the Pro Bowl game and you still wouldn’t get a sliver of the ratings that last week’s Super Bowl pulled in.

You guys might be scratching your heads, wondering why a collection of NFL superstars can’t bring in the viewers as it does in the NBA or in baseball. Well, it’s because the Pro Bowl is borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring. I’m not exaggerating either. Here is a collection of quotes that I often hear about the Pro Bowl.

“Players play half assed.”

“No one really hits each other.”

“Where the hell is Philip Rivers? At least he’ll piss off enough fans to make things exciting.”

You get the picture. It’s not your fault Fox, really. I sure do love those classic Bradshaw-Caliendo battles and watching the pregame show often makes me wonder how many F-16 fighters the air force could land on Howie Long’s flat top.

It’s just the game itself is unwatchable. So, what can you do on your part to boost up the ratings? Simple, finish your Terminator – Fox Robot war that you started at the Super Bowl!

Now before you roll your eyes and dismiss this as a stupid comment, hear me out. Let’s face it Fox, last week you got lucky. Up until the fourth quarter, that Super Bowl was turning out to be the most uneventful Super Bowl in the history of mankind. 7-3? Yes, 7-3. That was the score until miracles started happening. If it wasn’t for Eli making a mad throw while eluding 3 sacks, god knows what kind of snoozer we would have seen. Some of my friends were even sleeping, and no they were not drunk. Well most of them weren’t.

You know what did keep us up on the edge of our seats until those last minutes? That’s right, your Terminator promos. The first time we saw the Terminator tear apart the screen and body slam your little Fox football robot, we were all stunned. Did that really happen? We all pondered. Luckily, a quick rewind on the Tivo showed us it was for real. That’s all we thought it was though, one quick and easy ad for your somewhat watchable Sarah Connor Chronicles.

But that was just the beginning.

The robots went to battle again, and again, and again! First the Terminator had the upperhand, then the Fox robot, then the Terminator again. (We think he had the Fox robot in a Kurt Angle ankle lock at one point). All these battles lead up to the final conclusion when the Fox robot called in some back up and surrounded the Terminator. Then……

…. the game was over!!! Aww man! I wanted to see what happened.

You screwed me over Fox! You can’t leave a man hanging like that! That’s like leaving an unfinished high five. Don’t be a douchebag, finish that high five!

Thus, you need to conclude the real great American debate: Terminator or Fox Robot? If you settle this matter once and for all this Sunday during the Pro Bowl broadcast, I’ll be there with popcorn and beer in hand, ready to see it all go down. So c’mon Fox executives, satisfy my curiosity and help a brother out, or else I’ll have to wait next year to see a conclusion, and by that time, the Sarah Connor Chronicles will probably be canceled! That means no more Terminators, and sadly no ending to this brawl for it all.

But if you do decide to finish the story, I’ll be there this Sunday. Oh, uh, and I’ll probably watch a few minutes of the Pro Bowl game itself. Hey, I can’t watch the whole thing, I got shit to do, okay?

Sincerely,
KcCal

The Story of Kevin Hart, The Would Be Cal Football Player Who Fooled America

"Cal is a better choice for me than Oregon."

Wednesday, February 6, 2007: NCAA National Signing Day.

Rewind.

Friday, February 1, 2007: Somewhere in the school gym of Fernley High School in Fernley, Oregon...

Offensive Lineman Kevin Hart: "Ladies and gentlemen, friends and family, my teammates and my coach, after anxious and sleepless nights, lengthy conversations with Coach Tedford, and long discussions with my parents, I have decided to sign my national intent to attend the University of California and play for the California Golden Bears in the 2008 season!! This decision will change my life from here on out."

The gym goes crazy. Everybody cheers. Kevin Hart's father couldn't hold back his tears. After 4 years of playing for Fernley on the small stage, he was going to make it to the big leagues. This was Kevin Hart's moment.

Except, as our friends at Deadspin.com first informed us, Kevin Hart never spoke to Tedford or ANY Cal recruiters.


Above is the list of recruits by Cal, some of them are signed, some of them verbally agreed. One name was missing: Kevin Hart, OL, 6-5, 290, Fernley H.S. (NV).

Somewhere outside the gym of Fernley High School hiding in the bushes, a mysterious "Kevin Riley" is chuckling and laughing his ass off, knowing that this was all a fluke.

Man, how embarrassing and humiliating this must have been for poor little Kevin Hart. After telling the entire student body about his future college plans, he had to acknowledge that fact that he was, in fact, going nowhere. Funny, yes. Sad, yes.

What happens now?

1. Coach Tedford feels bad for him so he recruits Hart. Hart turns out to be an All-American football player on the field and in athletics, and becomes a future NFL first-rounder.

2. Cal feels bad for him so they accept Hart to the best public university in the world. Hart tries out for a walk-on spot on the football team and becomes an All-American a la scenario #1.

3. Hart goes nowhere and stays in Fernley to attend a nearby community college. We hear him no more. If that happens, maybe he can cheer on the Golden Bears during the upcoming football season, just like these Asian engineers below:

"We are Asian; we are engineers; we are the California Golden Bears!"

Well it turns out there was no Kevin Riley who knocked on Kevin's door. In fact, it was no one. Like many Americans, we were all fooled by Kevin Hart, because he is one big fat liar. This kid made everything up. It was a noble attempt indeed to fulfill his wildest dreams, and we're actually kind of flattered a little.

I mean, if a guy has to make up imaginary recruiters and fake several phone calls to get into the big C, it must say something about Cal. I'm not sure what it actually says, but it says something...

On an unrelated note, next time I want to get into Harvard Law School, why don't I just tell them they accepted me. It'll be easy. "What do you mean you never heard of me before? I got your phone calls and everything."

At the same time thought, we're kind of sad that Kevin had to resort to lying. If his story was true, we were ready to launch a let Kevin Hart walk on campaign with an online petition and everything. Now, we realized Kevin had to get into Cal in the first place, which he probably didn't considering he had to make up a crazy story to even get attention, but he had our support nonetheless.

Kevin Hart's plan might have worked too, if he had not been so obvious in his lying. I mean, c'mon, a recruiter named Kevin Riley? Hmm.... where have we heard that name before?

"Hi! I'm Kevin Riley! Nice to meet you!"

Oh, that's right, THAT Kevin Riley. Our Quarterback who fucked up our year at Oregon State and saved our year simultaneously at the Armed Forces Bowl.

Nice job, Kevin Hart, you Einstein, you. Next time you make up an imaginary person, try making up someone who is ACTUALLY imaginary. Maybe then things wouldn't be so obvious.

So Kevin, as you fade into obscurity and maybe a guest spot on the Surreal Life, we have these last words.

"Nice try Kevin, your plan almost worked, but too bad life isn't more like episodes of the Simpsons."

Ron Artest aka Tru Warier: Sacramento's Best

The man.

"Understand me for who I am."

The promoter.

"Check out Allure, they're cd is wonderful."

The beast.

"Without me, the team is incomplete."

And we can't forget...the fighter.

"I'm totally against beer. I'd have been less mad if what he threw at me was cider."

This multi-dimensional man adds flavor to Sacramento. So what, the kings are 22-24. Could we really expect to be winners again...do we even remember how to be winners again? As Kings fans, I don't even think we can be mad.

All I have to ask is: can we not trade Artest? Kings basketball isn't as exciting as it used to be. Can we just have one exciting player on the team?? Please?

Note: Also, Ron Artest is "the rapper." We found out that if you went to the wikipedia page for Ron's rap album, My World, yesterday you would have noticed the genre is "garbage." It's not up anymore, but for a small glimmer of time, it was. Now it's labeled as hip hop, but I'm not sure which genre is more accurate. Here's some photo evidence of our findings.

We swear we did not do this ourselves. We wish we were clever enough to do so. The track listings of "I Like My Dong" and "Long Dong Ladies" are fact though. Now, I think garbage was an appropriate genre title.

California Was Snubberific NBA All Star Wise

"We both deserved it and you all know it!"

Readers, don't you think February is a great month? We get to celebrate Cupid's favorite holiday. We get to honor the Black History Month. We get to enjoy the good old Chinese New Year. When can you ever say that you were able to enjoy Fat Tuesday AND Super Tuesday in the same month? Furthermore, in February we get to watch the best of the best in the NBA during the NBA All Star Weekend.

Normally, this time of the year spreads tons of joy. However, this year a couple of people in California may not enjoy it as much as they would have liked. The NBA All Star starters were based on a fan voting system. FANS. We totally blew it this year. We didn't give the coaches a good enough opportunity to pick the right All Stars, so they had to go with the hometown favorite David West. How did this happen?


First off, we, the fans, voted in Allen Iverson and Carmelo Anthony as the starting guard and starting forward. Why you ask, since the Denver Nuggets are only playing mediocre basketball? Because we, the fans, love their braids, their arms full of tats, and their matching armbands. It makes them look cool, thus making the NBA look cool. As fans, we wanted to see cool people play in the cool NBA All Star game.

If that was the case, why didn't the fans also vote in Drew Gooden and DeShawn Stevenson in the East. Why are they cool? Because they both decided to grow full beards and see who can have it the longest without shaving it. How cool is that?! What makes them cooler for us here at TPIC is that they were both raised in California. Gooden grew up in Richmond and played high school ball at El Cerrito High. Stevenson grew up and played ball at Washington Union High in Fresno. So fans, why AI & Melo but not Drew & DeShawn?

"Fear the beards..."

Fans, now do you understand why our California-playing hoop stars Baron Davis and Chris Kaman weren't picked by the coaches? Little decisions that we made affected the entire All Star roster! Here's a couple reasons why Baron Davis and Chris Kaman should've been an All Star.

Baron Davis:
We all know about Stephen (Captain Jack)son...Warriors 1-6 without him, went crazy good when he came back, yadayadayada. Without Baron Davis, there wouldn't be the Warriors thinking anything near the playoffs. They would just be thinking of a way to stay out of the bottom of their division. He leads and drives the Warriors to victory every single game. He takes over the game when he needs to. He sets and maintains the tone of the game. He averages about 40 minutes a game. He has always had injury problems, but this season Baron Davis is a beast! You can't hold him!

Chris Kaman:
Playing on a bad Clippers squad might had a little effect on Kaman's non All Star invitation. But this Kaveman is having a career year! He's averaging a double-double every game, 17.2 PPG and 13.9 RPG. And why don't we just throw in an average of 3.0 BPG and 1.9 APG. What's amazing is that all this stats are happening without the assists from Chris Paul and rebounding help from Tyson Chandler like David West, who only has 19.4 PPG, 9.2 RPG, 1.3 BPG, and 2.4 APG. Talk about underrated. Chris Kaman is the face of the Clippers!

There you go, FANS! I made my case for our golden state's Baron Davis and Chris Kaman. They may not have made the All Star team this year due to fan votes and hometown privileges, but next year they are definitely making my California Dream Team. Here is a list of my California All Star starters for next year's NBA All Star Game:

Andrew Bynum, Chris Kaman, Kobe Bryant, Baron Davis, Monta Ellis

Since California is such a pro-diversity state, here is my list of All Star reserves for next year:

Yao Ming, Andris Biedrins, Pau Gasol, Tony Parker, Manu Ginobli, Dirk Nowitzki, Elton Brand, Steve Nash, Mehmet Okur, Tim Duncan


Sorry, we only have room for players playing on California teams or born in a foreign country. That's how our fans work here in their voting system. That is why we will throw in the secret and last pick of Yi Jianlian from the Milwaukee Bucks to play for the West in the All Star game. Not enough Chinese population in Wisconsin? No problem, we got tons here in California. Finally, we don't do national anthems here, we do one single INTERnational anthem! And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stonecold said so (in California)!!!

I Am Speechless

Wow.....

... I suck at predictions.

Though this is not California related, I'd pretty much say we're as shocked as the rest of the world. Good job Eli, you won the Super Bowl and gave us the opportunity to make Philip Rivers douchebag jokes. Amen to that brother.

It's Here, It's Here...

It's here, it's here! Get ready for an awesome game and....

... crap.
Just stay away from the paparazzi Eli, heard Bill has a thing going on with those guys during the Super Bowl.

Patriots 35, Giants 20 by the way. It's hard to lose when you have Satan on your side.

The Day After Pau Gasol Got Traded to the Lakers

Laker locker room, a day after the Gasol trade.

Kwame Brown: Damn, I love playin’ with Kobe Bryant. It’s so easy. All I gotta do is just pass that shit to him and I get a free assist. I don’t even really gotta do anything, just hand him the ball, and he’ll do all that shit for me. Easy as cake. Life couldn’t be any better. I think after the workout, I’m gonna head out to the clubs. Maybe some teammates will want to come. In fact, I can just ask them during practice. Shit, this is the life, nothing can possibly ruin this now…

Hola!

In walks Pau Gasol.

KB: Gasol? What the fuck are you doing here?

PG: Didn’t you hear, my friend?

Turns on TV to ESPN.

Stuart Scott: Yes, you heard right ladies and gentlemen, yesterday, Pau Gasol was traded from the Grizzlies to the Lakers for Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittenton, Aaron McKie, rights to Marc Gasol (Pau's younger brother), and 2008 and 2010 first round draft picks. Booyah! It’s like all that and a bag of chips. The trade is cooler than the other side of the pillow! It’s smoother than…

Gasol turns off the TV

PG: Enough of that.

KB: WHAT THE HELL?? I GOT TRADED? I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO THESE OTHER BOZOS ARE. JAVARIS CRITTENTON? ISN’T THAT THE GUY WHO GETS ME MY ORANGE GATORADE?

PG: I’m not sure, but it looks like you’re out of here.

KB: Aww, man, you serious? I’m not gonna be in LA anymore?

PG: Sorry my friend.

KB: Damnit. At least tell me the Grizzlies play somewhere cool. Aren’t they in Canada or something? Canada sounds fun to me. I heard them Canadians got some hot honeys to hang around with. Do they play there?

PG: Actually, the Grizzlies play in Memphis.

KB: Memphis? Fuck. I’m screwed.

Brown gets his cell phone out.

PG: What are you doing?

KB: I’m calling MJ, he’ll get me out of this mess.

Someone answers the phone:

Michael Jordan: Hello.

KB: Yo MJ, it’s Kwame. I’m in some trouble and I need you to help.

MJ: Kwame Brown? I thought I told you never to call me again. You’re a disgrace. I risked my neck for you to get you drafted to the Wizards, and you fucked all that up. Thanks a lot loser. You’ve sullied my name for good.

KB: Wait, MJ, don’t. I’ve changed, man. I’m mature now and…

MJ: Didn’t you just get arrested in September?

KB: Uh….well you see… what happened was….

MJ: What happened was I hung up on your ass! Oh, by the way, buy Hanes underwear. And Jordans. And number 23 jerseys. And number 45 jerseys. And Michael Jordan's fragrance. And...

4 hours later.

...And Space Jam. And the Space Jam Soundtrack. Goodbye!

Phone hangs up.

KB: Shit.

PG: Too bad for you, my friend. Now get your shit out of my locker, I got an reservation at Spago to make.

THE END

Imagine If the Warriors Still Had Some of These Guys

"He's coming back next."

As you know by now, C Webb is back! This is the first time in a long time that I can remember in which the Warriors actually signed someone they let go. And trust me, the Warriors have let go a lot of people. The cast of The Play in CA, well ok just two of us, thought it would be cool to come up with the all time greatest Warriors (who eventually did not become Warriors) lineup! Okay, okay, maybe not the absolute greatest, but certainly the greatest group of players that the Warriors have let go in the past 20 years. This team consists of players that feasibly could have all been Warriors at the same time, thus creating a cornucopia of awesomeness. Yes, in this perfect world, Chris Mullin would still be playing. If Michael Jordan could do it, then why can't Mullin? Oh yeah, because Mullin is white. Damnit. Well under that reasoning, at least Billy Owens would still be playing. Same with Mitch Richmond. Could you imagine these guys hitting the court together today.

Head Coach: Don Nelson of course!

PG: Tim Hardaway (Don't worry Tim, we know your views on homosexuals, but you're playing in Oakland, not San Francisco.)

SG: Chris Mullin (He's no Larry Bird, but he's the whitest Warrior in recent memory)

SF: Latrell Sprewell (Don Nelson is safe because he doesn't look anything like PJ Carlesimo)

PF: Chris Webber (Now it's obvious why he left Tyra Banks, it always looks like she's on crack)

C: Antawn Jamison (The closest thing to a center, ever)

Reserves:

PG: Baron Davis (He should have been an all-star. David West?? WTF?)

SG: Mitch Richmond (Yeah, that guy)

SG: Gilbert Arenas (Deadspin approves)

SG: Jason Richardson (We miss him already)

G: Larry Hughes (He helped Saint Louis University win a game at the big dance. That's achievement says enough)

SF: Stephen Jackson (While he can beat up people in Detroit, god knows he wouldn't dare pick a fight with people in Oakland)

PF: BILLY OWENS! (!!!)

F: Joe Smith (Gives me a headache just thinking about him)

*the Warriors never have centers; therefore there is no center on the all time bench *

Now we know that an "All-Star" team could be made by any team with any players they have let go. But you got to give credit to the Warriors for some amazing releases. Arenas, Hardaway, Jamison, Hughes.... c'mon! I think this list speaks for itself.

In any case, Webhead is back. Even the Luniz are excited about Chris Webbers return…as they show in the lyrics to one of their songs…

I gots to,
keep my business to myself,
cuz hataz talk mo than get shot to spread rumors when it's loaded,
hatin get yo grill exploded,
quick,
severed,
the first thing I heard,
I stole a credit card from Chris Webber,
I never knew that,
but's who's that, an next,
I heard them ridin around smokin crack in the back of my homies Lex…