A Guide To Enjoying the Super Bowl Even When Your Team Is Not Playing

"This is our Super Bowl. Huzzah."

As you may or may not know, it’s been a tough year in the NFL for people in California. The Niners were once again hyped as a team with expectations, only to stumble horribly like Bill Gramatica during a field goal celebration. Alex Smith stunk, Trent Dilfer stunk, Frank Gore stunk, and the only guy who didn’t kind of stink was Shaun Hill. Who? Yeah, exactly.

I suppose having some expectations is better than having no expectations, which the Raiders certainly justified this year. Having some hope coming into the season is better than having despair disguised with a phony phrase like “Hey, picking up Daunte will make us a winner.” No he won’t!

Lastly, there are the Chargers, the team that gave us some hope. But then we played the Patriots, and reality set in. Shit.

In fact, all of our commentator’s teams pretty much went down in flames, going the other way on the Road to the Super Bowl. My Chiefs pretty much sucked all year. Nice hold out Larry Johnson, too bad you played like shit this year. Ms. Auto’s Saints were pretty much like the Niners, with higher expectations and bigger disappointment. Ace of Spades is an actual Niners fan. Enough said. And u12’s Cowboys looked decent, until Mexicogate broke out and all hell let loose.

So here we are now, at the Super Bowl, Patriots vs. Giants, and guess what, I could care less about these two teams! Patriots? Giants? I could be watching the Rhein Fire play the Berlin Thunder for all I care; it’d be the same thing for me. Thus, I and fans of 30 NFL teams are at a bit of a dilemma. The Super Bowl is fun, but from a football fan’s perspective, it’s more fun when you actually have interest in the game. So what are you to do? Well fear not my friend, for I have come up with the ultimate guide for enjoying the Super Bowl even when your team is not in it. Here, you’ll find a bunch of activities and ways to enhance your Super Bowl experience even when you don’t care much for what’s on the field. Enjoy!

Activity 1: Teaching Football to the Uneducated

For some people, the Super Bowl is a true celebration of watching the NFL’s best teams going at it. Sadly though, for many, and I mean MANY, others the Super Bowl marks the first and only football game they’ll watch this year. There are about 140 million people who watch the Super Bowl each year. Do you really think all 140 million people are there every Sunday to see the Miami Dolphins take another ass pounding by (insert team name here)? I don’t think so. Thus, there’s a high chance that there’ll be a handful of people at your party who won’t know what the hell is going on while watching the TV.

Now, I realize it may be some what annoying to have to explain what the extra point is over and over and over again, but to make things interesting for you while watching the game, do what I do to these people: fuck with them.

“Didn’t that Eli Manning guy win the Super Bowl last year?” Someone asks.

“Sure,” you respond. “And he also had some time to do some advertising in the Gay porn industry.”

The conversations will be priceless.

Activity 2: Try to think of creative ways to trick yourself into rooting for one of the teams.

So after all the ball licking and media whoring that happens before the Super Bowl, you might think to yourself, “Hey, maybe I kind of like that Wes Welker guy. I saw him in an interview, and he’s whiter than me. I guess I somewhat hope the Patriots will win, for Wes’s sake.” Congratulations, you’ve successfully raised your interest in a team by one percent, therefore making you a little more emotionally invested in a team.

I’ll probably just root for the Giants because Plaxico Burress has a cool name.

That’s good enough for me.

Activity 3: Gambling

Gambling makes anything exciting. It’s the only reason why we care about college basketball and why horses are considered “athletes.” The best thing about gambling is that it makes sense for you to root for both teams. Say you like the Patriots, but you don’t think they can make the spread. Well, if the Patriots win, then you’re happy, but if they lose or don’t cover the spread, you get some cash. Gambling is always win-win.

But don’t just gamble money, that’s lame. Try to be creative in your bets. For example, gamble away one of your kids! Nothing puts you more on the edge of your seat than knowing that you have to say bye-bye to little Susie if the Giants don’t cover. Now that is truly win-win.

Activity 4: Root against the Patriots

While this guide is supposed to be meant for the person who isn’t rooting for either team, do you really want these fans to gloat that they’re 19-0 for the rest of eternity?

I think not.

Activity 5: Drink yourself silly.

Ahh, fuck it. It’s the only day of the year (other than Thanksgiving) where you can drink and act like a complete ass without any discretion. Hit on your friend's girlfriend while you're at it. She's a floozy anyways. It’ll help you get by until the next season (Go Raiders)!

Chris Webber is Back (Now With Captain Jack)

"Oh my god, it's Chris Webber in a Warriors uniform!"

Attention Warriors fans!! The Warriors are still good, currently holding the solid 7th slot in the Western Conference. Will the run-n-gun Warriors make the playoffs again and create another Cinderella run? We have to wait until the end of the season for that. However, remember the good old days in the 1990s when the Warriors dominated? Remember the Rookie of the Year Chris Webber and the younger-looking coach Don Nelson? Chris Webber may be sitting at home enjoying his NBA Live 2008, and Donnie might have gained a few more wrinkles, but remember the above picture when Chris Webber would be coming into NBA games off the Warriors bench? Well, nostalgia better kick in, because this will become reality! The ESPN has reported that Don Nelson is bringing back Chris Webber to the Bay Area! It's a done deal! Their history aside, could Chris Webber help bring back memories of the goodness gracious oh-so-perfect Run TMC days?!?!


Now, Chris Webber may not be the T or the M or the C, so what is Chris Webber?

Let's look at the situation deeper. The Warriors are seriously pushing for the playoffs. The Warriors are no joke. Take that, the rest of the NBA! But, what are some of the Warriors' weakest links? No questions asked, the answer would be the BENCH! The Warriors have no bench players. They basically run a 8-man rotation night-in and night-out. Sooner or later, both Baron Davis and Monta Ellis would get tired of playing 40+ minutes a night.


Weakest link #2: SIZE. Nobody would want to mess with Captain Jack, 'cause they know what will happen. Remember Palace of Auburn Hills, November 19, 2004? However, Stephen Jackson guarding Dirk Nowitzki may work for a night or two, but these guys are playing in the NBA--Nothing But Adjustments!! The Warriors can't stay small forever. They can't rely on Andris Biedrins and Al Harrington to take on all the big fellas in the wild wild west!

What does Chris Webber bring to the table? Webber provides both SIZE and a player off the BENCH!! Plus, he brings over veteran experience and leadership after playing 14 years in the league, not to mention playoff experience, after helping lead the Sacramento Kings to the conference finals in 2002. Playoffs, did I mention playoffs? That is exactly what the Warriors are looking for!!

In conclusion,

CHRIS WEBBER + GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS = Happy Days in Oak-town! :)

"Better bring back those Chris Webber rookie cards, 'cause he's coming back to the Warriors and guiding them into the future!"

Readers, how do you think C-Webb will affect the Warriors' playoff run?

Great Moments in Super Bowl History: Super Bowl XXIII (AKA Why San Francisco Won)

"Cue Depeche Mode now."

With the Superbowl coming up this weekend, the TPIC thought it'd the perfect time to jog our memory and remember a time when the 49ers were actually contenders. Yes, nowadays the 49ers and the post season would send Jim Mora running through a Coors Light commercial screaming "playoffs!", but things were different in the 80's.

At that time, the 49ers were getting ready for Superbowl XXIII. Their opponent, the Cincinatti Bengals. During the 80's, the Bengals were essentially their generation's San Diego Chargers. Good enough to get pretty far, yet could never beat that one team to make it to glory. Instead of that team being the New England Patriots, their team that always stopped them was San Francisco.

Back in the 80's new fads were rising like spandex, music videos, new wave, and America's favorite pastime: cocaine. Not like the 49ers were indulging in any of that, not with St. Walsh around. The Bengals were a different story though:


* Some of you may need to download Adobe Flash to view this.

Way to go Stan. (Although this video is a bit of a parody, the story is very true.) Guess the Bengals back then were no different from the Bengals of today. I guess there's only so much to do in Cincinatti before going apeshits.

This web video was sent in thanks to TPIC reader Aaron. For others, feel free to send in any tips just like our pal Aaron.

Stanford's Year.... Cal Not So Much....

Stanford’s football team won back the axe this year.

And Stanford’s men’s basketball sure wasn’t going to lose to Cal. Not with the 7-footer-Lopez brothers working together…not a chance.

(beasts!)

So…any ounce of hope for Cal to win back some sports dignity was with its Women’s Basketball team.

"That's right Bears, we can WIN!"

Cal (8) and Stanford (7) played to see who would be the queens of the “yay” area. And it’s amazing that both teams entered the game ranked in the top ten. 1 ranking apart…how could you tell which one is better?

I mean, it’s like comparing classic 1985 Michael J. Fox movies. Could you really say which of his performances was better: in “Teen Wolf” or “Back to the Future”? Ok, maybe “Back to the Future” is a better movie, but you know you had a good time watching “Teen Wolf.” Badass, both movies. And badass, both teams.


...i feel like both women's teams are beasts on the court...


And I tell you, this year’s matchup was supposed to be monumental. But the actual game was not. Maybe the Cal turnover (Stanford steal) at the beginning of the game set the pace for the rest of the night. With the scoreboard 32-16 at halftime, it was clear that Cal just couldn’t get into the groove of things. The closest Cal got after that was being 9 points behind.

Not too great.

In what was supposed to be a close game, Stanford annihilated Cal, finalizing the game at 72-52.

I don’t think it’s Cal’s year.



But even if Stanford manages to beat Cal in football and basketball this year, the Cal Rugby team is still kick-ass. And at least Cal can gloat about its success outside sports as well:

Bangin!

That's right, you know you love him...
At one point, we all sang "She Bangs"!

Screw You Russian! I Saw That Stuff in a Disney Movie

"Yay for all stars."

In case you missed it yesterday, and I'm sure many of you did, Anaheim's Ryan Getzlaf was narrowly beat by the Russian from DC, Alex Ovechkin in the NHL's "Super" skill competition. For those of you who are not familiar with this event, it's basically the NBA's all star Saturday on ice, but also a lot more boring.

This year they decided to spice things up with a style-shoot out. It's like the slam dunk contest without any slam dunks, which pretty much makes it as exciting as watching sap harden on trees. In any case, Getzlaf was defeated.

One of the feats that Ovechkin performed was a puck juggling routine. Basically, he scooped the puck, juggled, then tried to shoot it in the air. He missed by the way. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that whole deal totally reminded me of that cowboy kid, Dwayne Robertson, from D2: The Mighty Ducks.


In fact, that's what that kid was known for in the movie, doing a Tiger Woods like puck juggle even before Tiger Woods was around. That was the big eared kid who lassoed that one Iceland guy as he was about to smash Connie Moreau. I remembered that shit. He would also yell "yee haw" and other goofy cowboy phrases. He even did the whole puck juggling thing in the final shootout of the movie. I did remember he let the puck fall on the ground, then shot it on the ice. There was no baseball involved, but Ovechkin totally ripped that other shit off.

I just find it ironic that Getzlaf, a Mighty Duck, was beaten by a guy that stole a move from the movie the Mighty Ducks in which the Anaheim Mighty Ducks were based on. Mind blowing, I know. Perhaps Getzlaf would have fared better if he sported the old school jersey.

The 100th Post! Showcasing the Best of the Best

"We're that monkey."

Congrats to us! We've made it to 100! And in order to show how awesome we are, we thought we would showcase the best work we've done in the last 99 posts.

I know some of you are thinking "hey, that's a clip show." Well yeah, but it's the best clip show in the history of man. Besides, give us a break, it's Saturday and my hung over ass is too lazy to have to do things like think and write, okay? So without further ado, here's the best of the best organized by writer (note some writers have more articles than others, thats why there's so many entries from me, kc cal!):

u12:
u12's Championship Weekend
u12's Wild Card Weekend

Ace of Spades
Barry Bonds = Confusion

Ms. Automatic
Californians and Mike Vick

Saints Streak

Kc Cal
Philip Rivers is a Douche
Shaun Livingston's new legs
Jim Harbaugh before the game
A History of Mascots
What gives Brett?

Barry Bonds' Defense: Confusion

"What the heck are you talking about?"

Oh man! With all the craziness going on in the sports world today--California Sportsman/Shark of the Year, Perfect Patriots vs. Godsend Giants (koodles to my alliteration), Jo-Wilfried Tsonga serving the whole entire tennis world at the Australian Open, NHL All Star game, NBA All Star starters--what is going on in the world of our favorite unemployed baseball player Barry Bonds?

All this steroids madness began waaaaaaaay back in September of 2003 when the Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative (BALCO) was raided. Doing the math, it's been almost 4.5 years
and Barry Bonds is still being investigated, you might say. What's the latest headline to his story, you ask?


Well...after 92085639843 hours of American Idol auditions dressed as Paula Abdul with his lawyers, Bonds' defense team came up with the utmost brilliant defense to fight this federal case. Being charged with 4 counts of perjury and 1 count of obstruction to justice, Bonds has asked a federal judge to simply dismiss--I repeat, DISMISS--all the charges.

Why? Because he is arguing that the indictment is "scattershot" and noted for its "striking inartfulness." The lawyers said "the questions posed to him by two different prosecutors were frequently imprecise, redundant, overlapping and frequently compound."

After 4 years of this steroids nonsense, after 4 years of horrible Giants baseball, after 4 whole freakin' years, all they can come up with is that Bonds was confused about the investigators and didn't fully understand their questions? Are you seriously kidding me?! What are Bonds' lawyers doing?

"Pssst, Barry. Just scratch and shake your head and make cavemen sounds."

Maybe Bonds' choice to let the lawyers who previously represented witnesses against him to lead a federal case that will change the rest of his life was not such a bright idea.

It's been over 4 years since the beginning of this steroids scandal. So let's wait another 4 years to see what the outcome will be! Aren't you excited?! I definitely am! I think I will just sit in front of my computer and keep refreshing my screen until Barry Bonds pops up and says he was confused again so I can wait another 4 years. Oh boy, what fun!

Until next time, keep waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting.......

SJ Sharkie Presents NHL All-Stars From California

"I win!"

Hooray for me! I can’t believe that I won the CSSY (California Sportsperson or Shark of the Year) award. I mean, I thought I was popular, but not that popular! Hooray! Thanks for everyone who voted for me. It was a tough battle where I had to face off against a lot of opponents. I’d just like to take this opportunity to state that they were great competitors.

Marty Schottenheimer, thanks for the fair fight.

“ARRRRRRRGH!!! YELL!! YELL!!! SCREAM!!!!”

Barry Bonds, it was a tough match, but you put up a challenge.

“I would just like to state I did not take any poll enhancing drugs.”

And finally, I want to give an applause to my opponent Jim Harbaugh, who put up a valiant effort in the finals. Stand up Jim!

“I can’t believe I lost to a fucking shark. What the hell? I need to think about my life. I suck. I should have gotten that job in Baltimore, not my bro. Fuck.”

As a reward for my victory, I’ll get to present to you who from California is playing in the all star game this weekend. Hooray for me!


Ryan Getzlaf, C, Anaheim Mighty Ducks
An excellent center who has 58 points on the season. Also looks extra tasty. Yum. Boy I’m getting hungry.

Chris Pronger, D, Anaheim Mighty Ducks
The wiley old veteran defenseman. A hard hitter with who can also score some points. Doesn’t look as delicious as Getzlaf, and he might put too much of a fight for me if I decide to eat him. Oh well.

Joe Thorton, C, San Jose Sharks
He’s the man! I would never dare to eat him, Shark fans would kill me! Even though they’re from Silicon Valley, someone like Mark Hurd might try to hunt me for sport!

Evgeni Nabokov, G, San Jose Sharks
I don’t know about goalies. All their padding makes it hard to get to their meat. It’s like eating a lobster, which is no fun. Oh yeah, he’s a good goalie too.

Anze Kopitar, C, Los Angeles Kings
Who? I guess that’s a good thing, the more obscure, the less likely someone will care once I bite his leg off.

Well there you have it, the Californians from the 2008 All Star Game. All this talk about humans makes me want to get a snack.

It's Great That You're Back Eddie, But Why to San Francisco?

"Oh Eddie, guess you just like the spotlight."

Now, I don’t want to sound like some disrespectful, young jerk who doesn’t know what Sutton has done from the game. Judging by the title of this article, it probably already seems that way. Let’s get one thing straight, I know who Eddie Sutton is. Unlike many people at my young age, I don’t view Eddie Sutton as that old guy who won a lot of games at Oklahoma State. Far from it. I know how Sutton took a perennial loser like Arkansas and turned them into winners. I also know how he resurrected Oklahoma State’s basketball life.

However, because of this knowledge, I also know all of the “other” things that Eddie has done. The big one was that whole scandal that happened at Kentucky. It was the classic helping his player with exams scandal. Yeah, I know about that. That’s what caused him to resign from Kentucky, possibly the holy grail of college basketball.

There’s also the whole alcohol issue. Now, far be it from me to wag my finger at him for enjoying the booze once in a while. Hell, who doesn’t? I know the only way to get over a hard day is to drink yourself silly so that you forget why it was so hard in the first place. Just make sure you don’t decide to get behind the wheel and hit a car or two while driving (which was what Eddie did). There could have been a baby in that car. Or a puppy. Or even worse……. me! (It would be a crime against existence if it was me who got hit).

Also, don’t be like Eddie and state that you have a drinking problem until AFTER the accident, when your back is sore. Oh, so downing four shots of Jack everyday didn’t tip you off that maybe you had a drinking problem? It was only until you endangered the lives of others and you had a boo boo on your back that made you realize maybe you need help? Good realization, dipshit.

Because of these things, Eddie always seemed a little unsavory to me. I overlooked all of that though because he seemed like a class act on the playing court. He always presented himself with respect while commanding his players. Until now.

Why did you come back Eddie? Is getting those two extra wins really that important to you? 798 wins still seems very respectable to me. Is retirement really THAT boring? Even worse, you decide to come back with the lowliest teams of teams, USF.

Great. That alone kind of leaves a dent in his established coaching career. Imagine how it will look in the future and people look back at what he did as a coach. “Yes Eddie Sutton coached some fine schools like Kentucky, Arkansas, Oklahoma State and….. uhhh ……. the University of San Francisco?” Nice. More embarrassing is that his total number of wins at SF probably won’t even go to double digits. It’s the proverbial skidmark on his career.

Now I realize Eddie doesn’t give a shit about what people think about his return. When people ask why he came back, Eddie probably just says “Because I can.” Well, I can unscrew the lids of sugar dispensers and laugh when people use them, but I don’t, because it’s the jerk thing to do, and I am not a jerk. I guess Eddie has no qualms about jerk moves.

What’s my point? I don’t even know. All I know is that this seems like one giant publicity stunt that should never happen. Oh well. At least USF is getting some recognition in ways that are not related to how much they stink this year.

Nick Hardwick's Rant on Richard Seymour: Mad Lib Version

"(expletive)"

Damn you San Diego Chargers. I thought that your season was over, thus, we wouldn’t be hearing from you for a while. Yesterday’s Philip Rivers post was supposed to be the last thing about the Chargers until the next season or major sex-drug scandal. But nooooo, your media attention whore face decided to rear its ugly head back into the spotlight in the form of Nick Hardwick.

As you may or may not know, Hardwick had a little tiff with Patriots lineman Richard Seymour. Basically, he thought Seymour was a dirty player, but the way he described it was much more entertaining:

“Richard Seymour is the biggest (expletive) I've ever come across in football,” Hardwick said. “They've got 10 good football players on that team. Richard Seymour is a dirty, cheap little pompous (expletive).

He’s cheap and dirty, and the head (official) just let him get away with it the whole time. They’ve got 10 great players on that team, and when Jarvis Green is on the field they’ve got 11 great players who compete how you’re supposed to play.

Richard Seymour is the biggest (expletive) I’ve ever played against.

Head-slapping, foot stomping the pile, running by and throwing punches in your back late. He’s a (expletive).

There’s a field goal where he was stomping feet. . . . He plays like a (expletive).”

What’s with all the (expletive)’s? I want to know what he said. Which insult did he use? Assclown? Shithead? Family Guy? In today’s society where violence and sex is readily available to anyone with even a 56k connection, cursing shouldn’t be so taboo.

Since we have to use our imaginations instead, I decided the best way to do it is with mad libs.

For those of you who don’t know what mad libs are, you obviously missed out on some great fun as a kid. You can go here to find out what they are.

In the case of Hardwick’s rant, we can just replace every expletive with a noun, like this:

“Richard Seymour is the biggest (noun) I've ever come across in football,” Hardwick said. “They've got 10 good football players on that team. Richard Seymour is a dirty, cheap little pompous (noun).

He’s cheap and dirty, and the head (official) just let him get away with it the whole time. They’ve got 10 great players on that team, and when Jarvis Green is on the field they’ve got 11 great players who compete how you’re supposed to play.

Richard Seymour is the biggest (noun) I’ve ever played against.
Head-slapping, foot stomping the pile, running by and throwing punches in your back late. He’s a (noun).

There’s a field goal where he was stomping feet. . . . He plays like a (noun).”

Here’s my version:

“Richard Seymour is the biggest (rocket pony) I've ever come across in football,” Hardwick said. “They've got 10 good football players on that team. Richard Seymour is a dirty, cheap little pompous (cold shower).

He’s cheap and dirty, and the head (official) just let him get away with it the whole time. They’ve got 10 great players on that team, and when Jarvis Green is on the field they’ve got 11 great players who compete how you’re supposed to play.

Richard Seymour is the biggest (Canadian) I’ve ever played against.

Head-slapping, foot stomping the pile, running by and throwing punches in your back late. He’s a (turd sandwich).

There’s a field goal where he was stomping feet. . . . He plays like a (mad cow disease).”

What can you come up with?

Philip Rivers on the AFC Championship: Everyone Played Bad Except Me

After the Chargers loss Sunday, the TPIC was able to obtain exclusive audio from Philip River’s post game speech to his fellow Chargers. Let’s take a listen.

Nice job, dipshits. We totally started off that game the way Philip Rivers always starts the game, as winners. We totally stopped the Pats on their first drive. That set the tempo off right away. Then, good old number 17 here marched us down the field like how I march on to your girlfriends’ bed when you’re staying late for team meetings. Fucking losers. Three points later, we were up by three points and ready to unleash a Charger rage all over New England’s beer belly, chowder eating, retarded accent talking asses. After that field goal, we were ready for a blow out. I got us on track.

But nooooooo, the next series, Tom Brady and his band of gay-triots scored a touchdown like that…. like that!

Nice going defense, you bunch of losers. How the hell were you able to contain Brady in the first quarter, but then right when the second quarter starts, you fold like Marty Schottenheimer against John Elway? Way to turn things around, man.

Oh, so you said you picked off Brady three times? Good for you. You want a fuckin’ trophy for that? Well guess what, we could have a much cooler trophy had the won the game, by you know, preventing the patriots from scoring. Oh wait, guess that’s pretty much impossible with you assholes jogging on the field.

Don’t even look at me like that Merriman!

I’m not afraid of you! Who do I look like, Jeff Fisher? I’ll call you out on that any day of the week. I thought you were going to shove it to Brady, take him out and shit. I wanted to see him after the game being fed strained peas by Giselle in a New England hospital. I was counting on you, and you failed me! I don’t care if you’re “Lights Out”, don’t you dare attack me with a roid rage assault! You’re not Chris Benoit. I went to NC State, school of hard knock Southern boys. You went to Maryland, school of the goddamn turtles. I eat turtles in my soup with bay mint leaves sprinkled on top.

It tastes awesome. I even use their shells to make ashtrays for my cousins.

Oh, so I guess you defensive guys think that we should have scored more, that maybe it would have helped you guys. Well that ain’t my fucking fault, OK? It’s everyone else’s. Nice job Antoinio Gates. Two catches? That’s all? How the hell did you make it to the Pro Bowl. Hell, the only reason you got there in the first place was because of me, fucker. Chris Chambers? Nice job dipshit. Try holding on the ball instead of practically gift wrapping it to Asante Samuels.

That pick now goes on my stat sheet. You know how bad that looks, it makes me look like a total douche as a player! As a person, I’m fine with being a douche, but as a player: un-fuckin’-acceptable. Vincent Jackson? You did all right, but next time try getting ALL my looks to you. So what if I overthrew that ball and it went out of bounds? If you were a real player, you’d figure out how to get that. It’s not my problem, it’s yours.

Lastly, there’s you LT.

You’ve been riding my back all year about how I’m not a team player, and then you totally let me down. I was counting on you to get some New England heat off, but instead, you hurt your precious leg and decided to sit the rest of the game? What the hell man? I thought you wanted this shit! I thought you were always whining about being a winner and how you would die for this Charger organization. Even I was out there with a busted knee, and I don’t give a shit about San Diego. The only reason I wanted to win was so I could get some major league poon after the game. Now I only get minor league poon. Way to cock block buddy.

I hear a lot of you out in the locker room think it’s my fault that we lost, that my completion percentage was low and that I totally crumbled under the pressure. To all of you, I would just like to say this.

Flips off the whole locker room.

Like I give a shit what you all think. I don’t care what you all say. I was awesome simply because I am Philip Rivers, and I can do no wrong. I wasn’t pressured, I was scrambling, you fools just couldn’t clear a path for me to run. My passes weren’t overthrow, you assholes just weren’t hustling enough. Those weren’t interceptions, I just gave the Pats opportunities on offense, so that you dumbasses on defense could prove your worth. None of it is my fault. Nothing. It’s all your fault! All of it! And now, we have to hear a bunch of fat, drunk Boston fans gloat about 19-0 for the rest of eternity. Real fuckin’ grand.

I hope you guys all work real hard during the off-season, because you guys fuckin’ suck, while I’m nearly perfect. See you assholes next year.

Well there you have it. And while Philip Rivers didn’t have many nice things to say, the TPIC would really like to say thanks to the Chargers. You got farther than we thought and you gave us much to write about, mainly Philip Rivers. Well done, San Diego, well done.

Also to be fair, Philip Rivers was very non douchy after his loss, but it was too hard to resist. Good job Philip, maybe next year.

U12's NFL Championship Week 2008 Predictions

"Seriously, f-ck you Bill."

Sigh. I’ve really had trouble writing out this week’s predictions. After my wild care weekend’s flawless predictions, my fall off last week, aka the Dallas game, has left me contemplating my analyses of these games.


Packers vs Giants
In any event, with vengeance and complete utter malcontent do I predict the Packers beating the Giants 28-13. The Packers, playing in Green Bay, are en fuego right now. Favre is in sync with his receivers, the running game is performing very well, and the secondary, with Charles Woodson back, is looking incomparable. The Giants robbed Dallas by playing a clean game. They got lucky on Toomers first touchdown due to several unacceptable mistackles. They got lucky that Romo couldn’t throw because the ball took an extra second to get to him everytime he was in shotgun. And Eli picked apart a Dallas defense lead my the most mediocre and overrated safety in the NFL, Roy Williams. No, I’m not bitter, not even a little bit. Ha.

But all slander aside, the Giants don’t have enough threats on the offense to pose a threat to the Packers. Sure Plaxico is huge, and Toomer had a great game last week, but Charles Woodson has been the KING since his blue and gold days. The Green Bay front line is no joke either; not like it is going to matter much since the weather is going to be barely above freezing and the running game will be slower then normal.

The Giants have the front 8 to make Green Bay cringe. But Favre with time will prove to be deadly for the Giants. Give him even a little bit of time to pick apart the secondary and this game will be over quick.


Again, Green Bay 28 New York 13; Eli go home.


Patriots vs Chargers
Now for the game that we are all excited about; another David trying to defeat Goliath. I said earlier that the only team with a legitimate chance to beat the Patriots was the Jaguars. Well, I stand by that, but I was in San Diego for a couple years and its going to be awfully hard for me to go against them. So, screw it, Go BOLTS! Bolts win 24-23. And here is why…

San Diego showed something last week that hopefully the Patriots didn’t catch. When LT and Rivers went out with injuries, they produced a fantastic drive and scored on a qb sneak. On the surface, it seems like it was a big achievement and that San Diego is the new miracle city in America. What went unnoticed (I hope) was the performance of the line. The Colts thought they could pressure the quarterback and shut down the running game, but neither of which happened. Sproles and Turner can be starters on any other team in the NFL, but they won’t succeed. LT probably won’t be the superstar he is on other teams either. The San Diego offensive line is amazing. And what is more amazing is the chemistry they have with all 3 of their running backs. LT in the lineup but not starting would be the best way to approach this game against the Patriots; they have very little material on Turner and Sproles and Turner hits the hole so quickly its scary. Any fans of the Patriots I am sorry but I can’t name a linebacker that can keep up with Sproles. If Sproles runs a streak from out of the backfield he will be awfully hard to cover unless a safety clouds from atop.

To sum it up, San Diego wins this game if the offensive line is truly as talented as I am hyping them up to be. Turner Sproles and Tomlinson all have ~4+ yards per carry and a couple screens and running back passes result in big gains. Rivers or Volek with time will be able to to find Chambers in the end zone, but only if the Chargers running game gets them into the red zone.

Now as for the Patriots on offense, the Chargers will win this one if Brady has a Manning like performance. He doesn’t need to throw 6 interceptions but it would help out a lot if Merriman got in for a few early sacks. Confusing Brady won’t help because he has too many weapons. I’ve analyzed and scoped out the entire San Diego defense attempting to find a scheme that will prevent Welker from being free but I still cannot find one.


Wes Welker, as I have said all year, is the best white wide receiver in the NFL, hands down. If the Chargers cover Moss and Stallworth, there is no one left that can match up against Welker. And Welker is a tough kid, quick slants followed by a pounding by the San Diego linebacking core won’t bug him at all. And those middle of the field gains will open up the running game which will open up the flood gates for the Patriots. The only foreseeable way of preventing this slaughtering from occurring would be to supply Brady with enough zone blitzes that when he decides to fire down the middle to Welker, a lineman has dropped back into coverage just enough to swat or tip the ball. If Brady is under pressure he won’t be able to fire the long ball to Moss and the running game will not be an issue. But there is the 5-15 yard pass that Brady throws all too well to Moss and Welker that could be the demise of the Chargers.

Condensing my statements into a single line; the Chargers will win if their lines outduel the Patriots lines and they stop the short and middle passes; while the Patriots will win if ANYTHING clicks for them haha.

If the Chargers’ D prevails: SD 24 NE 23


If Welker is the man : NE 38 SD 13

Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better (USC-UCLA Basketball Edition)

"Trojans go to the Rose Bowl; Bruins go to the Final Four."

Take your picks, fans! The Battle for Los Angeles is back again this weekend. No, not the Lakers vs. the Clippers, there's no competition there! Dodgers vs. Angels? Who cares! The season doesn't start for a couple more months! There you go! It's the NCAA Battle for Los Angeles. What's better than a "friendly" competition between the USC Trojans and the UCLA Bruins!


Throughout the fall season, we have seen much hype with USC being #1 and high expectations running wild around that campus, while UCLA....was supposed to be better than the year before. Fortunately, the city of smog and traffic was happy in that both teams went to a bowl game. USC clobbered Illinois in the Rose Bowl while UCLA lost a tough one to BYU in the Las Vegas Bowl. In the fall, Los Angeles belonged to USC.

That was the past. This is now.

In the winter, Los Angeles belongs to UCLA. The UCLA basketball team was ranked #1 in the nation, a la USC in football. USC was ranked at a certain point in time, but not anymore. This Saturday, the two will clash and the Battle for Los Angeles will revive again!! UCLA is 4-0 in conference play and 16-1 overall, sporting a #4 ranking and just finished beating a fantastic team in Washington State. On the other hand, USC is 1-3 in Pac-10 play and 10-6 overall.

Logically, one would think that UCLA will handle USC in the same way that a fat kid will eat up an entire chocolate cake. But....what if the fat kid decides to commit to a diet? What if OJ Mayo serves up a creampie to Kevin Love? What if Taj Gibson outshoots Josh Shipp? What if Davon Jefferson conquers the Cameroonians in Luc Richard Mbah a Moute and Alfred Aboya? What if the USC bench cheers louder than the fans at Pauley Pavilion? What if the Battle for Los Angeles is a big enough inspiration for the Trojans to upset the Bruins? Heck, what if John Wooden stops signing autographs and uses his magical powers to create an invisible 6th man to help the Bruins on the court?


Only time will tell. So tune in this Saturday at 12:30pm for a college basketball game that will determine bragging rights for the entire city of Los Angeles.

Prediction: UCLA over USC, 71-62

Cal Outshined in Double OT

Damn.

The Cal Bears were looking good this game. But in the end, #22 Arizona State put it down and handled it in double OT.
Damn. 2-3 in the Pac-10 Conference, and 11-5 overall. Not too shabby, right?

Let me break it down.
"Stylin" Ryan Anderson is great.



Cal went as far as being 8 points ahead in the 1st half (I think I'm correct, pardon me b/c I had many and many ounces of beer at the Bear's Lair beforehand. Oh yes, and today's monumental too because I had White Castle burgers for my 1st and probably last time).

End of regulation game: 81-81.
Damn, Arizona St shot that 3 to tie it.

End of 1st OT: 85-85
Damn, Jerome, why couldn't you make that 3?



"Because I'm still basking in all the glory of having been the Pac-10 Player of the Week some weeks AGO"

End of game, 2nd OT: 99-90.
Damn.

All I really remember is my head hurting, Ryan Anderson and Patrick Christopher holding it down for the team, Jerome Randle having a couple of good shots but lots of bad 3's, and dumb fans telling me they couldn't see the game behind my signs. Hey untrue Cal fans, this is what I have to say:

I'm sorry I have spirit and want to support the team, oh and hey, why don't you guys stay the entire game and try to support th