Yes, It's True, Ryan Leaf's Life Has Been Turned Into A Movie. Tim Couch Is Now Waiting For His Big Screen Deal.

Ryan Leaf is getting his own movie, probably of the Lifetime Channel variety. Or Spike TV. The worldwide leader in sports released an article informing us that the man who once screamed a reporter silly in a locker room is getting the Hollywood treatment. Why this is newsworthy is anyone's guess, but this is ESPN after all, the same place that hires Chris Mortensen.

Aspiring film maker Tim Carr decided to make an 82 minute biographical film documenting the highs and (mainly) lows of Leaf’s journey from talented NFL prospect to untalented NFL washout. It’s practically like Milk, except with football. And one thousand times gayer.

Carr is a Philadelphia Eagles fan, so how he can relate to the anger and frustration of San Diego fans is beyond me. Oh wait, never mind, he is an Eagles fan. The article also says Carr, the writer and director, appeared in Rocky Balboa. One quick look over at IMDB states that his role is that of “Robert’s friend” the same friend who heckles Rocky Jr. about having connections to the famous slugger. As you can see, Carr got an early start to playing assholes on film.

Which brings us to this point: in “Leaf,” Carr takes the helm of the title part. This is a picture of Carr:

Does this guy look like a football player to you? Hell to the nah. Couldn’t they have found someone more fit for the part? Granted playing Ryan Leaf in a small mockumentary isn’t exactly the role of a life time, but the fact remains, there could’ve been many other choices. Observe the casting wish list that I prepared below:

Sean Salisbury

Granted Salisbury isn’t really a student of the acting arts. He does however have some experience in front of the big screen in the form of role in the Benchwarmers. It is a Rob Schneider movie, but hey, a gig is a gig. And let’s not forget all the screen time he gets on NFL Live. All his segments are comedy gold!

The best part is Salisbury and Leaf have similar career stats.

Russell Crowe

I’ll point out the obvious: a talented actor like Crowe wouldn’t be caught dead sniffing anything close to the pooposity known as Ryan Leaf’s career. However, Crowe would be awesome as Ryan Leaf. He’s already grouchy, cocky, and surly in real life. Just imagine if all that rage and misery were translated to personify all the failures of Leaf’s career. Plus, he wouldn’t even have to do any research on media relations, since Crowe and Leaf pretty much measure up in that department.

Dennis Quaid

The only reason I put Quaid on this list is because he’s only good in roles where he’s some kind of washed up athlete. Tough Enough, check. Any Given Sunday, check. The Rookie, check. The Express, check. His chiseled face and body type make him perfect for this kind of role. Him playing a scientist in The Day After Tomorrow? Give me a break. That’s about as realistic as the premise of the movie itself, or Jake Gyllenhall playing a character who has testes.

Zach Braff or Shia LeBouf


In honesty, Zach Braff or Shia LeBouf would be a horrible choice to play Ryan Leaf. The only reason I chose them is because they’re pretty much the biggest douches in Hollywood, and thus wouldn’t need to really do much acting to play the part of Leaf. And yes, I know there are a million other douches to choose from, but these two fit the bill. If they bail out, Wilmer Valder-whatever is just a phone call away.

I haven’t seen Leaf, and I don’t really plan to. Leaf’s real life story isn’t really that interesting, so what would make his semi fictional one any better? Yeah, yeah, he’s a draft bust, big freakin’ whomp whomp. I get it San Diego, he was a bad choice, so I don’t think I need to waste 82 minutes of my life watching more misery unfold. If any football player needs a movie, it’s Chris Cooley. That guy fuckin’ rules.