Mike Singletary Is Pumped To Be The Official Coach Of The Niners

Now that the season is over, we can forget all the interim coach nonsense and get down to business. The 49ers just signed me for a 10 million dollar contract for four years. I have to tell you first hand, I could not be more excited. I went 5-2 in that last seven game stretch. I’m really looking forward to the next year.

Now, I know a lot of you guys might be skeptical about my zany antics, but let me assure you, they’re all motivational techniques. I mean, nothing really gets through to athletes these days. They got million dollar contracts, promotional deals, women, cars, everything you can think of thrown into their laps, so why would they be motivated to go out an bust their butts out with all these luxuries hurled in their direction? These boys need something, someone, to fire them up and so they can give 110% out there on the field. That’s why I was here, and that’s why we won those games down the stretch. I got those boys pumped up ready to go onto the field for battle. That’s what Mike Singletary antics do, they motivate people, no matter how outrageous it is.

Excuse me for a moment.

Drops pants.

That’s better. See, doesn’t that make you want to go out and do something? You there, sitting on your computer, reading this blog. Don’t you have like faxes to get out or programs to write? Why are you wasting your time here? Oh that’s right, because you’re a lazy asshole! Well guess what, Mike Singletary is here to change that. What you just need is something to fire you up. Hm…. I got an idea to just do that!

Pours gasoline on car. Throws match. Car is lit on fire.

See that’s what you need to do, you need to bring the heat, just like how I brought the heat to this automobile. When I use metaphors, it’s not enough to just say them, I got to illustrate it to people so it really gets into their brains. That’s the only way they’ll learn.

So you ready to work now? What? Still on your lazy butt reading this blog. I thought you had a TPS report to work on? Damnit, then I’m not doing MY job. Hmm… well how about this. In order to do some work, you need to forget about anything on your mind. You got to keep it clear. Don’t want to work because you have that new Xbox game on your mind?

Takes Xbox and smashes it with hammer.

There. Done. Won’t be thinking about it no more!

YOU’RE STILL HERE???? THAT’S IT, I HAVE TO TAKE DRASTIC MEASURES. SEE THIS ADORABLE CALF:

Well let’s just say if you don’t get to work, I’ll find it a new home… with my local butcher! The nail gun is going to be a packin’!!!

Why did I do that? Because I’m Mike Singletary, bitch. It’s how I get people to work!

Man, I’m so fired up now!!! YEAAAAAAAAAARGGGGHHH!!