The Mike Martz Resignation Letter

Well, seems like Mike Singletary took his motivational skills up a notch…. in the form of a pink slip.

Mike Martz is out of here, but that doesn’t mean his story is over with the 49ers. Because we are such a high profile blog, um mid profile blog, um minor profile blog, um blog that people randomly read thanks to a Google search of “plays in California,” we were able to access the secret e-mail account of Mike Martz. Below is a Mike Martz’s goodbye letter to the staff of the 49ers following his dismissal from the organization. We’d like to thank all of our sources for helping us obtain this letter that indeed exists. And when I say exists, I mean we totally made up.

From: Martz, Mike
Sent: Tuesday, December 30, 2008 6:02 PM
To: San Francisco 49ers Organization Mailing List
Subject: Farewell My Coworkers

Dear Fellow Colleagues,

I would like to send out my farewell letter to the staff of the 49ers. It has been a tough ride with many ups and downs. I have made many friends during my short time here in San Francisco, and there are many people I will miss as I look for a coaching opportunity somewhere else. I would like to wish all the people who made my time here great a Happy New Year and wish the best of luck to you.

HOWEVER, there are also some people who I would not like to wish good tidings to. There are some people at work who make things nice and fun, and there are some people at work who make my life a living hell. To these people, I would like to say a hearty “fuck you.”

To JT O’ Sullivan: thanks a lot numbnuts. I practically designed an offense catered to your lack of skill because I really liked you as a player and as a human being. Boy did I fuck up there. What was I thinking? Stephen Hawking could throw a football better than you. Every time you were out there on the field, I would think, well the plays are designed to utilize all of JT’s skills. What I failed to realize is that you have no skills. It’s like trying to put Andy Reid on a diet. You can cater all these special foods for him, but at the end of the day, it’s still Andy Reid, and he’s still going to be a fatass. In your case, at the end of the day, even after all this prep, you’re still going to be a horrible quarterback. Thanks for totally letting me down. I’m not mad, just disappointed.

To Vernon Davis: thanks for being a total failure. When we selected you in the draft, we imagined Antonio Gates version 2.0. What we got instead was Michael Gaines version 2.0. Who? Exactly, that’s the fuck who. Oh, and getting called out by Mike Singletary isn’t cool either. It just makes you look like a total bitch and Mike Singletary look like a hero. And guess what, he’s not… I’m the hero.

To 49er Receiving Core: would it kill you to catch a pass once in while? Isaac Bruce is the leading receiver for Christ sakes. He’s older than cancer. There’s a good reason why he’s the top dog though, that reason is a two word phrase: Mike Martz. Try getting production like that without me, assholes.

And lastly, to Mike Singletary, you pants dropping, press conference whoring asshole, you sold me out to York and threw me under the bus. I thought we had a deal. You would do your defensive thing, and I would do my offensive thing. I guess I thought wrong. Well guess what, your offense is going to flounder now. That’s right, flounder. I mean, you have Shaun Hill as your starting quarterback right now. Shaun Fucking Hill. Without me, that kid is toast. He’s going to get sacked more than David Carr on rookie training day. You really think he’s the one responsible for the resurgence in our offense? Ha! He’s just a body I needed to use. The real genius is right here, and now it’s gone for ever.

So in short, have a nice time without me while I’m busy looking for a coaching job somewhere else. And when I do find another job, I’ll be ready for you guys across the sidelines. This time, I’ll be doing the pants dropping so that it’ll be ready when you guys kiss my ass.

Sincerely,
Mike “Numero Uno” Martz

P.S. Suck it.