Now that Chubby Chubster Sabathia is THANK GOD out of the question for the Giants, I think the whole Giants organization and their millions of fans can move on to another ridiculous player whom we're willing to pay $200 million for.
Can you imagine having Fatty McFatterson for 6 years, when his weight will increase exponentially to about 578 lbs, plus an average majorly overpriced pitcher who's zoned out in his Planet Zito, both for a quarter billion dollars?!
Do we NEED any more pitchers? With Cy Young Tim Lincecum, soon-to-be Cy Young Matt Cain, have-to-play-him-because-we-paid-him Barry Zito, promising Jonathan Sanchez, hopefully returning Noah Lowry, and Lincecum-like Tim Alderson and Madison Bumgarner lurking in the minors, do we have a surplus of pitchers?
What's the appropriate Giants response? Why, of course we NEED another pitcher! We have ABSOLUTELY no offense, that's why we MUST get another pitcher!! Too bad our Bay Area native C.C. is taken. But hey, we got the next best thing available:
45-year-old Walnut Creek/Livermore native Randy Johnson.
I mean, he would TOTALLY fit in San Francisco. How could you not love a 6'10" local youngster who's at the prime of his life, sporting the best mullet in the history of professional sports.
Oh yeah, he's only 5 wins away from career win #300. That'll sell a fewtickets to AT&T Park. He's everything you need in a pitcher, right? You need a perfect game? He's done it. Need to kick some media ass? Let Randy Johnson show you. You want to kill a bird? Call up RJ.
So it seems like we've got ourselves another Bay Area native to ponder about.
News Flash!
Phillies just signed Raul Ibanez, which means bye bye to Pat Burrell. What? The South Bay, Bellarmine Prep native Pat Burrell? The Giants don't need a 5th outfielder with Lewis, Rowand, Winn, and Schierholtz? But he's only going to cost $100 million for 5 years with POWER and super sucky defense. Oh, come on! We can convert him into a pitcher!!
Perfect fit for San Francisco.
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