Nostalgia Friday: Bloodsport, A Retrospective

I remember watching Bloodsport when I was a kid. At the time when I watched it (in 1991, two years after it came out) Street Fighter II was ruling the arcades. Thus, since most of the movie consisted of a bunch of crazy fighting styles facing off, I thought the movie was some kind of loose adaptation of it. I mean think about it, you have that sumo guy who could’ve been E. Honda, you got the guy who played Ogre as the big strong wrestling type (Zangeif), you had a lot.

Bloodsport was easily Jean Claude Van Damme’s best movie mainly because of all the insane fight scenes. They’re pretty fuckin’ sweet. And of all cheap 80’s montage music, I would have to rank “Fight to Survive” somewhere at the top. In fact, the fight scenes were the only reason the movie was so kick ass. Unfortunately, like other karate movies, Bloodsport attempted to have a plot. This was a real drag, because I felt the talking and Jean Claude Van Damme acting were only intermissions between fight scenes so that the audience wouldn’t overdose on martial arts bad assery. If it was up to me though, there wouldn’t be any plot, just a bunch of matches left and right with nothing to connect the scenes together.

I mean seriously, what kind of plot do you need? It’s a karate movie. From my basic understanding of all karate movies, the plot usually goes like this: hero trains night and day to master martial arts, hero enters tournament, hero makes his way to the finals where the inevitable showdown with the stereotypical karate villain, something dramatic happens to the hero, hero finds himself, hero returns to kick the villains ass in said tournament, hero gets the girl. That’s pretty much the formula for a lot of movies: Karate Kid, Bloodsport, Kickboxer, etc etc.

The only thing that makes a karate movie are the fight scenes. Naturally, Jean Claude Van Damme’s acting alone can bring any movie down the tank, but setting that aside, it’s still a pretty mediocre movie. Let’s just follow the movie’s plot to understand.

The beginning is pretty run of the mill. Frank Dux has trained in the art of kar-at-ay since a young age by one Senzo Tanaka. In order to honor his master, Frank decides that he must leave to Hong Kong to participate in the kumite, an underground fight tournament of death. But before he leaves, he has to make sure he does one thing: piss of the US Army and go AWOL! This brings me to my first point of why Bloodsport ain’t so grand: its morals. I was an impressionable youth back in the day, and if I learned anything from Bloodsport, I would have been one messed up adult. And don’t go around telling me this isn’t a movie for kids. It had martial arts, it had cheesy 80’s music, it had video games. How could a kid NOT resist it?

Anyway, back to the plot. Frank giving the army the old slip brings me to Bloodsport's first lesson it teaches to kid: when you make a commitment to something, (such as the army) but something cooler comes along the way (like a death tournament in Hong Kong) screw what you agreed to do and run like hell to the death tournament. Promises, who needs them anyway? Frank’s AWOL status prompts two investigators to follow him in Hong Kong. All you need to know is one of them was played by Forest Whitaker, and yes, he still had that eye problem back then.

Once Frank arrives in Hong Kong, he quickly befriends one Ray Jackson, played by Donald Gibb. I feel bad for Donald Gibb. After he played Ogre in Revenge of the Nerds, the only roles he could get were that of the wild brute. That and he also received second billing to JCVD. Damn.

Frank also befriends the local whore Janice Kent. You probably recall the famous coin trick he used to bag her:


This brings me to Bloodsport’s #2 lesson for kids: Magic not only helps you impress people, but also helps you win women as prizes in bets. Thus, if you want to nail the local floozy, kids, you best be learning your magic tricks.

After Frank gets the girl on a date, she reveals she’s not only a whore, but also a reporter trying to get the dirt on the kumite. Naturally, Frank is hesitant to divulge any info on the tournament, but that doesn’t stop him from charming the young lass.

Then some fights happen:



Cool huh? Along the way, you’re introduced to Chong Li, the villain of the movie.

I guess the Kumite doesn’t have steroid testing. As Frank advances is way up the tournament, so does Chong Li. And while Frank honorably defeats his opponents, Chong Li is total huge dick about it. Not only does he beat down his opponents mercilessly, but he also “finishes” them off. Usually this entails a quick chop to the neck, which pretty much knocks every opponent out stone cold. This reveals the lesson #3 for kids: if you’re ever in a fight against a bully, don’t go for the face, instead, go for a quick karate chop to the neck. After that, it’s lights out bitches.

After the first round if complete, Frank meets up with his lady friend again. This time, she’s desperate to get the scoop, but Frank has his mouth shut. Thus she does what any classy report does when they need to get the dirt, she offers poon. That brings me to lesson #4: if you don’t get what you want, try harder, and if that still fails, then it’s time to put out. The only problem is that after a night with Frank, she still didn’t get the scoop; she had to sneak in by ho-ing it up and “pretending” to be an escort for a Chinese business man. I put pretend in quotes because I’m not sure how pretend it was.
Then after this, more fights happen. Chong Li breaks some guy’s leg (it’s pretty gross) because he’s a total ass and JCVD beats up some guys along the way. There’s one fight in particular where Frank Dux ends up fighting that sumo guy:



As you can see in the video, Frank is getting his European ass kicked to oblivion, but then he utilizes a craft move, punching someone in the balls. Way to go you cheater. I thought Frank Dux was all about honor and what not, and I also thought fighters in the kumite would have enough sense to wear cups. I guess I thought wrong. Frank wins the fight and advances the next round, even though that win was total bullshit.

As we get closer to the finals, the fights get more and more brutal. Ray Jackson meets his end thanks to our steroid pumped friend. Chong Li also kills someone:



After his kill, Chong Li wastes no time threatening our hero. While everyone bows in a moment of silence, Chong Li breaks the mourning utters on of his few lines in the whole movie “You are next!” I said it once before and I’ll say it again, Chong Li is a total dick. He also had to torture us with the disgraceful pose after the fatality. Just because you have muscles, doesn’t make you Derrick Zoolander asshole.

Frank also lays the smackdown on his opponents on his way to the finals though, but let’s not forget about our friend from the FBI. They’re hot on Frank’s tail, trying to drag him back to the army, even if he’s kicking and screaming. Once the feds figure out Frank’s location, they corner him at his hotel which opens up the most ridiculous chase scene in the history of movies:



What. The. Fuck. Is. This. Shit. This has to be the most un-badass chase scene in all of movie history. First, what was up with the homo erotically charged exchange between Forest Whitaker and Donald Gibb. Just stay put… just stay put….lover. Second, worst music ever. I know the 80’s gave birth to a lot of horrible electronica pop movie hits, but couldn’t they figure a more appropriate place to insert it in? Did they have to use it in something as intense as a chase scene? Ugh. They should’ve just shot it in black and white and removed the sound track, because the scene plays out like a Charlie Chaplin movie.

Then we cut the finals. It’s Dux vs. Li. Frank is also red hot after Chong’s beat down of the mighty Ray Jackson. And naturally, the feds who were chasing Frank are now sitting in the crowd cheering for him. That brings us to lesson #5: in the end, if it comes down to cheering for the good guy, screw your job and screw your civil duty.



At first the fight turns out to be pretty even. Dux and Li exchange blows left and right, but the Dux begins to kick Li’s ass. Kick after kick, Li is hurting, so he resorts to a desperation move, throwing dirt at his opponent’s eyes. For the last time, Chong Li = Dick. Silly Chong Li, don’t you know that Frank Dux studied in the art of ninjitsu? Thus he is impervious to things such as blindness. Thus, a few minutes later, and a few kicks later, Li is defeated. Dux gets the win, gets the whore/reporter, and gets the respect from the US army. Oh, and Ray Jackson has been avenged. Fuck yeah.

So that’s it, that’s Bloodsport in a nutshell. The fight scenes make this movie, while it attempting to be a movie breaks it. Still, for an 80’s karate movie, it sure kicked the shit out of everything else.

Oh yeah, and that guy who fought like a monkey fuckin’ rules.