A Day In The Life of Kevin Riley

Waking Up

Oh man, that was the best rest I’ve gotten in years. How long did I sleep? (Looks at clock) Wow, 10 hours?! That’s crazy. Well I guess it was kind of along trip back from USC, but whatever man. We may have lost, but I still have my pride. I mean, I played my heart out, and even though I only completed like 26 percent of my passes, I think I did alright. Some people may have said I overthrew my receivers, but whatever. Most people fail to realize that sometimes wide receivers just can’t run the routes correctly, not my problem. Anyway….

(RING RING RING)

Oh damn, I forgot to turn that alarm clock off! Now where is that off button.

(RING RING RING)

Damn, this thing is annoying. Maybe if I just throw it really lightly against the wall, it’ll stop ringing. A nice soft toss ought to do it.

(Throws the clock with full force into the wall. Clock shatters into pieces.)

Threw that clock perfectly.

Breakfast

Hmmm, don’t really have much time for breakfast, maybe some cereal will do. I think I have a box of Frosted Flakes somewhere, oh there it is! (Pours cereal into bowl) All I need now is just a little milk. (Pours milk) Oh hey, what do ya know? Milk’s all gone. Guess I’ll just throw this bottle into the recycling bin.

(A recycling bin is 5 ft away from Riley. Riley tosses milk towards the bin with all his accuracy. The bottle is thrown past the bin and lands approximetly 50 ft later.)

Damn, I was so close that time!

Class

I can’t believe it’s midterm season already, again! I just took one like 3 weeks ago. What the hell is the professor thinking? 3 midterms in one semester, that’s a bit excessive. It’s a good thing I studied on the trip back to Berkeley…

(Student behind him taps him on the shoulder)

Student: Hey buddy, can you hand me an extra pencil? I ran out.

No problem, dude. Let me get one now.

(Riley reaches in his backpack to get a pencil. He turns around to hand the student the pencil, but then at the last second decides to throw it above his head. The pencil proceeds to hit an exit sign and then lands in the lap of a fat student who exerted all his breath in order to get to the exam on time)

Student: Hey man, what the fuck? I thought you were going to hand me off that pencil? Why the hell did you throw it over my head and across the room?

Man, don’t you know who I am? I’m Kevin Riley. You know what Kevin Riley does? He throws long bombs across the field with his gun arm regardless of where I’m throwing to. You know what Kevin Riley doesn’t do? Hand offs, because that’s for pussy quarterbacks whose last name rhymes with Wrongpore. I rest my case.

Student: Uh, but dude, I don’t have a pencil.

Dude, just chill out, a ref will get you one shortly.

Practice

Alright Cameron, run your route, I’m going to bomb this one to you.

(Cameron Morrah runs his route and turns around expecting the ball to be right at his hands. Instead the ball is no where to be seen. Cameron then hears a thuds 15 yards ahead of him. The ball has just hit the ground.)

What the fuck, Cameron, you were supposed to catch that pass. I threw a long one just for you. No wonder it went 15 yards ahead of you.

Cameron Morrah: Yo man, I was running a curl route. YOU were supposed to put the ball 15 yards less of where you threw it.

But that means I wouldn’t be able to show off my arm strength. What’s the point of throwing if I can’t do that?

(Morrah looks at him blankly then just walks away.)

Man sometimes I just don’t get life.