The BCS Stinks, And If You Disagree, You Are Stupid

Hi my name is Pete Carroll and I’m here to tell you that this BCS business is total malarkey. Yesterday I was walking down the aisle of my local Trader Joe’s, picking up a nice organic energy bar when I thought to myself, “Hey Pete, you’re a great coach, and you certainly deserve to be in the title hunt, what gives?” Well, I’ll tell you what gives, three simple letters: B-C-S. I’m a great speller too.

As I said to the press, it stinks. I just don’t understand how we could shut out Washington 56-0 and drop in the rankings. It’s totally ludicrous. I mean sure, Washington has consistently been ranked as one of the lowest teams this season, but didn’t you see how we killed them? When a juggernaut totally dominates on a cupcake like that, they should jump up three or four spots. It totally makes sense. You say Texas Tech beat Texas this week, thus causing the drop in our rank? Well I say Texas Tech didn’t beat Texas by 56 points. In fact, THEY should be the ones that drop in the ranks.

Oh, I can hear you already opposing my logic, but what you don’t see is that you’re not me, thus what you think is illogical and what I think is fact. You probably didn’t go to USC, that’s why you question my thought process in the first place. Its okay, I understand. Not everyone can afford the stellar education that USC offers. See, I totally empathize with all you people and your empty pockets. USC is totally in touch with the little guy.

Anyways, where was I? Oh yes, that’s right, this whole dirty BCS system, such a horrible system. Even President Obama agrees with me. He blatantly said that the BCS system was a total cop out and that a playoff is the only way to go. What a guy, now I know what all those poor people meant when they said change was coming! I’m sure glad I voted for him. It’s what all my other liberal elitist friends did, so who was I to go against the trend? See, this isn’t only about me or Joe Pa or college football, this is about America. Our President endorses the playoff system, and if you disagree with what President Obama thinks, you sir are un-American. You’re probably a racist too. Don’t be a racist, don’t support the BCS.

I just don’t like how this thing is all decided by computers. Everything is controlled by computers these days. Our banks, our social security, our electricity, it’s all hooked to one of those fancy machines. Call me old fashioned, but I like it when the people are in charge of the National Championship picture. Besides, you know who invented computers? Nerds did. And you know who nerds hate? Jocks. And you know which school has the best, most gifted jocks around. Why, maybe a school that has a U and an S and a C in its initials. You see, it’s just one big conspiracy to screw over the greatest college team in the land. Curses you nerds, you have gotten your revenge, curses!

Now a lot of you may question my motives. A lot of you might say, “Hey Pete, what gives? A few years ago when the BCS sent you to the championship game, we didn’t hear a peep out of you. Yet now all of a sudden, you turn around and cry that the BCS is unfair simply because you’re team is out of the title picture? Doesn’t it seem like there’s an ulterior motive behind your protest?”

First of all I’d like to say that I admire your opinion. It takes a lot to question a man with the genius mind that I have. Second of all, I would like to say that while I admire that opinion, it is terribly, terribly wrong. Ha, question my motives. You are a dipshit.

The reason your logic is completely retarded is quite simple, let me explain. You see, those years that we won the championship, those years when the BCS computers sent us there, they were completely right. They named USC as the best team in the nation because quite frankly, we were. No one could deny that we were awesome, and the computers were dead on. However the problem with the BCS system now is we are still awesome, we are still the greatest, yet the BCS polls aren’t telling that story. It’s pretty obvious we deserve to be number 1. Sure we lost to Oregon State, sure our schedule isn’t tough, but anyone who watches football knows USC is way better than Texas, Texas Tech, Alabama, and all those other teams ranked ahead of us. Those computers know stuff about numbers, but they don’t know jack shit about football glory.

What about the coaches and AP polls? If we’re number 1, why don’t they rank us up there? Well it’s just because they’re jealous of USC. Naturally, everyone wants to be us, but they can’t, thus they just get bitter and vote us number 5 or whatever. If they put their REAL opinion on their poll ballot, USC would be numero uno, and every other team would be tied at 117th. Come to think of it, the AP and Coaches polls stink too. We should ban them as well!

I think I have made my case clear on why the BCS sucks, mainly because it screws us out of getting a championship. You think I’m just a pompous jerk who cries just because his team fucked up earlier in the season? Well, unfortunately my friend you don’t go to USC, and by law, you don’t know jack shit. Now someone get me a tackling dummy, I have another fake suicide prank to commit.