I've Been Preparing All Week For That Loss, And It Just Paid Off

Norv Turner addressing his team after losing to Miami.

Great loss yesterday guys. I mean, I, your coach Norv Turner, could not be happier with that loss, really. I remember last week when we pulled that amazing win over Oakland, people were saying that Norv Turner was finally turning into a winner. They said Norv was no longer the coach who entered his tenure with the Chargers with more career losses than wins. The media began to forget that in my ten years of coaching I’ve only appeared in the playoffs twice. Those hot shot newscasters at ESPN were forgetting that I’ve had as many losing seasons as I have winning seasons. Yep, for a moment there, I thought they were going to just call me a downright winner.

Well guess what, you guys proved them all wrong today, and I couldn’t be more proud.

After last week’s win, I had to really focus if I wanted to go back to my losing ways. I had to ignore game film, strategy, team meetings, the whole works! And guess, what? It was worth it.

I mean can you imagine how things would have gone if I prepared and analyzed that famous Miami Wildcat offense that they used to destroy the Patriots? Well, we would have probably won! Yes sir, if I had just studied some game film and created some schemes to counter the Wildcat, we could’ve rendered it useless. And I thank god that I decided not to, because doing something competent and winning a game is just not the Norv Turner way.

Even without the analysis, it was still tough to pull out an L. I mean, Ted Cottrell was practically begging me to stack seven or eight in the box. Any idiot could see that with the Wildcat formation in stride, Ronnie Brown was getting the ball. It would take someone with audacity to decide to stick with a four or five corner set. Well I’ll tell you what, Norv Turner, he’s that Mr. Audacity. Yes sir, I had to sit Ted down and tell him that I was the boss. I’m not going to take that malarkey, this is my team, and damnit, a Norv Turner team does not make good decisions! Got that? If I wanted to keep my loser reputation, I had to set Ted straight.

And guess what? Miami got a touchdown using the big WC formation. Norv 1, Ted 0. So suck on that you old geezer!

You may ask, “Hey Norv, what’s wrong with being a winner?” Well I’ll tell you what’s wrong with winning, it’s for losers. That’s right, you heard me. My coaching style has gotten me tons of jobs. Look at my history. The Redskins, the Raiders, the Chargers, countless coordinator positions, it’s all thanks to the Norv Turner coaching style. You may all trash me because I’m a loser, but guess what, this loser knows how to get hired. I could crash a Carnival Cruise Ship into an iceberg and I’ll probably be promoted to head of the fleet. You know why? Because I’m Norv Turner baby.

So complain all you want about how much I suck as a coach, all I know is this guy is getting paid. Who’s stupid now, queers?