Friday Nostalgia: The Ugliest NFL Uniforms the 80's Had to Offer

After about one year of covering sports in California, I’ve learned that Fridays can be very slow days to have any good writing material in the Fall. Baseball season has just ended, and now we are in the limbo stage of when hockey and the NBA begin. Thus, nothing too exciting happens in the world of sports on Fridays, California wise at least.

Last week I did a nostalgic piece on pogs that I enjoyed writing quite a lot. I think Fridays will now be designated to nostalgic pieces like that, unless something miraculous happens like a Philip Rivers assault charge or a 49ers win.

When deciding what exactly I was going to write about, I thought long about what topic I could cover exactly. That lead to me quickly reminiscing about the good old days when the Patriots sucked, Mike Ditka was still a coach, and Steve DeBerg was basically the greatest quarterback in NFL history to me just because he was on the Chiefs. Yeah, those were simple times indeed. That was what my initial article idea for today, so usually with all the articles I write, I browse the internet for images that fit well with the story. Upon researching players in the NFL from the 80’s, I concluded one thing: THE NFL HAD SOME UGLY, BROKE ASS UNIFORMS BACK THEN. I know pastels and bright colors were the craze back in the day, but c’mon, did it have to translate over to football? People looked fruity enough sporting a bright colored headband, but that didn’t mean my gridiron heroes had to follow the phase too. Ugh.

Thus, a new article was born, one where I analyze a dark time in NFL uniforms: the 80’s. There were many horrendous things that players were forced to wear back in the 80’s, but these teams were down right merciless in their fashion choices. Observe my picks for the four worst the Yuppie Era had to offer:

New England Patriots

Before the Patriots were known for their masshole fans, choker status, and taciturn coach, they were known for two things: being really shitty and this monstrosity:

I wonder how this logo came about. I’m sure the marketing guys were sitting around the office thinking, “Hmmm, what could we draw that would represent a patriot and the game of football?” “I know how about a patriot holding a football!” Wow. It’s like the Occum Razor solution to football logos. Unfortunately, it’s not the best answer. In fact, it’s the shittiest one. Then there are those horrid red and white uniforms.

We get it, Boston is near Harvard, and Bostonians love crimson. I guess it’s the color of choice for douches.

Denver Broncos

Dear Denver, thanks for making one of your greatest legends look like a total pansy out on the football field. Seriously, the blue pastel on the helmet doesn’t really help with the macho factor either. Also, the contrast with the orange as a uniform color is hard on the eyes. Lastly there’s the whole throwback Bronco logo:

There are many things that just scream wrong, unintentional of course. First is the snot or whatever that is streaming from the nose. I’m not sure what kind of message you’re trying to send out by saying your mascot has the ability to blow a giant booger on you. There’s also that misplaced ear. It’s quite obvious it’s an ear at close examination, but to bystanders, it kind of looks like a horn. That’s right a horn. Like you know, the ones unicorns have. Pretty unicorns. The long flowing hair doesn’t help either. It’s like the Bronco is a mythical being, something that could use its magic on you and blow rainbow kisses of death in your way while Rulon Jones rams his goddamn helmet into you. How poetic! Ugh.

Seattle Seahawks

I know Seattle is known for its high amounts of suicide and depression, but does that have to be reflected in its choice of helmet and uniform colors? There’s nothing more drab than gray with white. Sure the blue and green liven it up a tad bit, but it’s so unnoticeable that all you can really think of is rain and how this world is so damn horrible, and this was before Kurt Cobain. Then again, when Dave Krieg is your starting quarterback, you might have no option than to drive your car into a brick wall.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Hasn’t anyone figured out now that orange in football NEVER looks good?

Ahhh, the holy grail of ugly uniforms. Everything that could go wrong in uniform did go wrong with the Bucs choice of threads. Bright, blinding colors: check. Hard to make out logo on the helmet: check. Ambiguously gay mascot: double check.


The fact that he’s winking makes you know he wants you. Yes sir, just from looking at their uniforms you knew that the Buccaneers were going to suck, and boy did they ever suck? The funny thing is that this is one of the rare cases that the uniform was actually blamed for poor performance. After the Bucs traded in Bucco Bruce for the more bad ass skull pirate ship motif, the team has enjoyed considerable success. They won a Super Bowl and continue to be somewhat of a threat in the NFC South. That’s much better than just being known as “That Shitty Team With the Orange Uniform.” That’s the only way I knew them back then.

I know this list may seem short. If I made a complete list of worst uniforms from the 1980’s, it would probably consist of nearly every single team in the NFL. The 80’s had the worst sports fashion choices in the history of the game. Good lord, how did people watch football without wanting to gouge their eyeballs out back then?