This Is the Greatest Day of My Life

Fuck Yes.

I, Lane Kiffin, am OUTTA here mutha fucka! Gone! Caput! Vamoose! I’m out faster than a Lance Bass – Clay Aiken double headlining show out in the Castro. Yes sir, I’m out that fast. And you know what? Thank god! Every minute I was working for Bram Stoker’s Dracula, I felt like I was losing a piece of my soul. You did see that picture in his office didn’t you? Talk about making a deal with the devil…

Didn’t like that joke? Well fuck you! I don’t give a rat’s ass. Nothing can bring me down from this high right now, nothing! A Russian satellite could come raining down on my blonde head and I would still be filled with glee. Oh, you say you think different? You say that judging from that interview I gave on ESPN I actually looked disappointed in the way things went? Well guess what, you thought wrong! Actually, that stuff on ESPN, all that huff n’ puff with me saying that I was “hurt” by the comments made in Al’s press conference was pure acting. Major league acting. Leonardo DiCaprio in the Gangs of New York acting. Yes sir, I mastered the part of somewhat disgruntled fire employee. Someone hand me my Oscar now.

And speaking of Mr. Raisin’s little tirade, let me make things clear. What old Freddy Kreuger said in his press conference was true, 100 percent non bullshit true. That part about me trying to get fired. True. That part about me asking if I was still going to get paid. Damn straight that’s true. That part about Al saying he picked the wrong guy. Couldn’t be truer. Calling me a professional liar? True to an extent. Not wanting to draft JaMarcus? Oh yes, definitely true.

Whoa whoa whoa reader. Before you start throwing accusations and calling me a jerk like a regular Al Davis, let me explain why all those things above are true. About the trying to get fired, let me ask you this loyal citizen, if you were working for Al Davis, HOW COULD YOU NOT WANT TO GET FIRED? Seriously. You think you’re boss is a control freak. How about working for a guy who is a total Nazi about every freakin’ single decision you make? You know how uncomfortable it is when I’m preparing for a draft and I have Al Davis’s moth ball scented body breathing literally down my neck? It’s as comfortable as listening to a guy make a dead baby joke in the maternity ward. Shit.

Second of all, of course I’m going to ask if I’m going to get paid. I have to take Stalin’s orders every freakin’ single second of every freakin’ single hour of every freakin’ single day for two goddamn long ass years and you expect me not to ask for any compensation? C’mon man, after those two years of torture, I’d expect to get paid not only for the rest of the year, but for the rest of the life! Shit, think of it like welfare for former Raiders coaches. I don’t even want to know how Madden did it for 9 long years. No wonder he ended up so loony.



And that was just one game.

Professional Liar? Damn right I was a professional liar. I lied every single day when I was out there as a coach of Oakland. Every time I said “this team is a great team.” Lie. “Our guys tried their hardest.” Lie. “I’m very proud to be the coach of the Raiders.” You can be that was a lie. “JaMarcus looked good out there.” Oh God, that was definitely a lie.

Speaking of Mr. Russell, I can say I read your stupid letter Al, and I love the fact that you told me to get over drafting JaMarcus and your statement that he is a good player. Cough, I’m sorry I just vomited in my mouth a little. I took your advice Al, and I can say I am over it. When JaMarcus ends up with a 39 QB rating after the next two seasons, I’ll definitely be over it. When in a few years you’ll be having another tirade, this time against Mr. Russell, oh yes, I’ll definitely be over it. And hey, maybe in a few years if he ends up being that great player you see, I’ll still be over it, in fact I’ll be happy for him. You know why? Because JaMarcus Russell isn’t the dick, you are Count Chocula.

So there you have it folks, I hope this answers your questions. I hope the Raiders do well, really I hope they do. I hope they all succeed, well except Al Davis, Rob Ryan, Cable, John Herrera, and pretty much all of the administrative staff. Fuck those guys. I’m going back to the place where people treat each other right: Hollywood bitches. Watch out Pete, I’m coming back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!