Tales From the Raiders Reporting Graveyard

On a Wednesday night, The Play in California was able to sneak one of its prized writers (KCCAL) into the Raiders conference in order to get the real scoop on what the situation is with Lane Kiffin. Is he fired, is he not fired, when will he get fired? Nobody knows, but as the ninth best California sports parody site on the internet, we feel that our loyal readers deserve the real scoop behind Oakland’s closed doors.

Ever since the Kawakami Meltdown, security has been tight to all media, so we had to do a little B and E in order to get the real deal.

The following events took place September 23, 2008 from 10 pm to 11 pm. One man was sent to Oakland to investigate Raiders headquarters, but never returned. During his investigation he carried a tape recorder to chronicle his thoughts. This is the transcript from his investigation. Read at your own caution.

“The time right now is 10:02 at night. It seems that the office is closed, but I was able to sneak in before the lock down. I was also able to hide in a cabinet when the guards were making their rounds. I was successfully undetected. My goal is to scoop up any information regarding Lane Kiffin’s job status. I will not leave until I find something, so I will spend the next 10 minutes snooping around Rob Ryan’s office.”

“Time is now 10:15. Spent the last ten minutes or so around Ryan’s office. Search was inconclusive. Found nothing noting Lane Kiffin. Did not even find any information regarding a defensive game plan. Did find a copy of Madden ’09 and a list of plays titled “Ask Madden Plays.” Seems that Ryan’s defensive strategy is to turn on Madden during a Raiders game and press the square button on his PS3 to see what game hints Madden offers. Interesting. Also found a journal with only one entry on the front page. Entry reads: SLAYER RULZZZZ! Entering Gregg Knapp’s office now.”

“Current time is 10:30. Knapp’s office is very simple. Aside from a desk that is clean and empty and some notes on the wall that read “must remember not to call JaMarcus ‘Daunte’” the room has nothing good to offer. Did discover two items of note: 10 pound Kirkland Signature Hair Gel purchased at Costco and book titled “How to Control Your Widow's Peak” written by Mel Kiper. Next office to check is Al Davis’s”

“Office is dark, even for the night. It is adorned with various Raider paraphernalia. Desk is messy, scattered with various copies of Ponce De Leon’s maps to the fountain of youth. Office also omits an odor of burnt cheese and mothballs. In the corner there seems to be a picture of Al shaking hands with a tall, muscular man. The man also has horns adorned to his head, reddish skin, and a spear tipped tail. Setting of the photo seems to be very brightly lit. Fire can be seen in the background."

Davis’s office also seems to have various trap doors controlled by red buttons underneath his desk. There also seems to be a …. Wait I hear something in the hall… Someone is approaching, must hide…. Hid under a desk, figure seems to be stopping in front of the office door…. Figure is opening door, I’m getting scared… Figure seems to have stopped with the door opening, continued down the hall.

That was a close one. Anyway, there seems to be a-

CRASH!!!

What was that? Who’s there? Is there someone in here? Show yourself, show your- OH MY GOD! DEAR LORD IT’S… IT’S…..JOHN HERRERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”



(other voice)

SNEAK INTO A RAIDERS OFFICE HUH???!?! WHO ARE YOU, A REPORTER!?! DAMNIT, DIDN’T YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED EARLIER THIS WEEK?!? I’M GOING TO DO TO YOU WHAT I WISHED I DID TO KAWAKAMI, YOU LITTLE SHIT. TIME TO SAY YOUR PRAYERS, FUCKO!

(voice of KCCAL)

Wait, John please, I’m sorry. Don’t do this! Don’t….AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

KCCAL wasn’t heard from again, until of course he decided to write this article.