So Am I Getting Fired Or What?

Because seriously, I got better things to do than coach this team. I could be on the coast of Cabo sipping a nice Margarita under the nice Mexican sun, hanging out with Sammy Hagar. Surely he can relate to all this backstage sissy fighting.

A lot of people say they would kill for the chance to coach an NFL team. Well I tell those people that I would kill for a chance to get the hell out of here. Every fucking day I have to walk into my office with a third eye in the back of my head, constantly looking around to see if Al Davis’s scrotum like prune face is coming down my way. If it is, I’m running to the water cooler.

Can you blame me though? Would you want to work for this troll?

Look at me there; I was so smug in that picture. At that time I thought, “Man, I’m from USC. I worked for Pete “Mussolini” Carroll. Working for Al “The Midnight Vampire” Davis should be a piece of cake. I should be able to co exist with the real life Mr. Burns. I mean if Homer Simpson can, certainly Lane Kiffin can.”

Well guess what Pre-Davis Kiffin, you are full of shit. Real world 1, Kiffin 0.

Worst of all, the whole reason this started was because of my little tiff with Rob Ryan. Yeah, so what if I wanted the guy to get fired. Last time I checked, I wasn’t the one who let Jay Cutler and the Broncos score 41 points all over my defense. Okay, so I kind of also was that guy, but regardless, he’s the defensive coordinator. Tell him to coordinate some goddamn defense then.

And don’t bring up Sunday! Big deal, we held the Chiefs to 8 points. That accomplishment is about as great as beating a kid with down syndrome in Trivial Pursuit. Nice job, Rob. I should just book you and Derek Anderson a night out at the town for dinner at Restaurant Le Fluke.

And they want to hire this guy after I get fired? Genius Al, genius! He can barely control his defense, how the hell can he control a whole team? There’s only one job that suits him: Metallica roadie. They’re going on tour soon too, so that would be perfect! I should give them a call.

But seriously guys, just let me know if I’m going to get the pink slip or not, because surf season isn’t going to last forever, and I want to book those tickets to Mexico pronto. Comprende, assholes?!