The Uber American Guide to the Olympics

Now that it’s been almost a week since the Olympics has started, and it’s also been about a week since something new has been updated on this site, I decided to lay this patriotic smackdown on the waves of the internet.

We all know that being in a foreign country means that Americans can go over and act as “American” as they want, meaning a bunch of stars and straps and over the top drunken obnoxiousness. China should be no different. Yet, what should the Chinese (and other countries) have to look forward to in the remaining week and a half of Olympic glory? Why, all that is U-S- of A!

What symbols or actions best portray what it means to be American during the Olympics?

Stars and Stripes / Uncle Sam

Nothing screams American more than Uncle Sam. He’s surly, he’s disgruntled about his country, and he’s ready to go into battle without asking questions or having any relevant facts. He’s basically a Democrat and a Republican rolled into one!

Complaining About Things That They Were Fine With Earlier

As an American, it’s your job to be pissed off and angry at just about things that you enjoyed until you learned “the truth.” I love those fireworks during the Opening Ceremonies! Wait, what, they were CGI? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE. That little girl was so cute as she sang that song Friday night. Wait, that wasn’t her? I BLAME AMERICA FOR FORCING OUR SHALLOW AND MATERIALISTIC WAYS ON THE CHINESE! The Spanish Basketball Team is awesome! Wait, they’re racists?! THIS IS ALL BUSH’S FAULT.

Jennie Finch

Because she’s hot. That’s all that matters.

Michael Phelps

Because he’s a hot swimmer, or so I’ve heard. To the ladies, that’s all that matters.

Wasteful Spending

Did you know media coverage has spent $412,000 dollars on coverage? Do you know why? Um… I’m not sure really. Because it’s worth it? I mean surely everyone wants to watch badminton coverage, right?

This You Tube video (Lot's of F'Bombs, maybe NSFW):

Fuck Yeah.

And most the most important standard of how to act American during the Olympics:

Pretending to care about something that you never really cared about until people make a big deal over it.