The TPIC College Football Preview: Cal Golden Bears With Starring Jeff Tedford

Listen up turd nuggets, when The Play in California asked me to make a special guest appearance on their so called blog, I told them I don’t know what a blog is. Then I hopped on this internet thing and read all the filth and garbage this website has been spewing concerning the pride and glory of my life, the California Golden Bear football team. They got a lot of nerve to lambaste me and my players like that, so now this harden old man is going to go in there and show these dipshits who is boss and whip them into shape so that they stop slacking off out there.

I read their little “preview” of USC, and all I have to say is one word, “GARBAGE!” Where was the hustle in that post huh? It wasn’t even a full page long, you lazy assholes. When Jeff Tedford does something, he gives it One Thousand and Fifty Percent, you got that? No weak one liners here, no siree. Every word, joke, and image is earned, you lawn napping gordos! Drop and give me fifty, son.

Looks around and realizes there’s no one near his computer.

Goddamnit! There’s no fight left in anyone around here. I guess I’ll have to lead by example.

Tedford drops to the ground and does 200 pushups with one arm.

See that, you sons of bitches, that’s how a real man gets his work done.

Hey coach, I heard you were doing pushups. I can do some for you too! I’ll do anything to help out the team.

Damnit Longshore, I told you, you’re only allowed to talk to me once you learned how to throw under pressure. Now get back in your cage before I put you into the hole.

Throws a playbook at him.

And while you’re at it, make me 1000 copies of these.

Yes sir!

That’s how you break a person’s spirit! Now lets see, a team preview for Cal, I guess I’ll start by filling out this little questionnaire they want me to fill out.

Team: California Golden Bears
Location: Tedfordville, I mean Berkeley, CA
Colors: Black and Blue (and Gold)
Coach: Football Jesus
Performance Last Year: Deserving of Many Paddlings
Big Headline Coming in This Year: I Taught Riley How To THROW A GODDAMN FOOTBALL AWAY! GODDAMNIT, JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME PISSED OFF!!!!!
Coach Quote: “I like my coffee smooth with decaff, Nate, get it right! No wonder I put you on the bench, you don’t even know how to make a latte.”

See, that’s how you do a college football preview you slobs. I don’t know why they’re doing this though, the only thing people need to know coming into the season is that California is going to dominate, DOMINATE! A Jeff Tedford product would do no less.

What, you’re still here reading this crap? Aren’t you at work, and aren’t you supposed to check all your invoices right now? You lazy son of a bitch! Get started on that, hut hut! It’s time to whip you people on the internet into shape!

Drop and give me fifty.