Rick Neuheisel: "Nothing Has Changed, Muhahaha!"

Muahahaha suckers, you’ve all fell right into my plan! Back in the 90’s I was pretty much the epitome of sleazy college coaching. My players ran loose in Washington, and I never gave a shit. Look at Jeremy Stevens.

But now, after so many years and returning to LA, I got all you mainstream media assholes thinking that Slick Rick has changed. All I have to say about that is this, suck it losers, you all fell right into my hands.

People think that I’m a new man, that I’ve matured, that I’m ready to teach these kids some manners. Ha! The only thing that has matured is my hunger for some partayyyyying. That’s why they brought in that Norm Chow fella, for damage control. You hear that internet? Nothing’s changed, I’m still the same grade A asshole-oncho I was before. Someone throw me a beer!

(Rick shot guns a Bud Light)

See that kids? That’s how you down a cold one, not look all you pussies sipping it and enjoying the taste. What’s up with beer commercials today anyway? How come there are all these bozos dressing up like those Queer Eye yokels slowly drinking a Miller Light like they’re at some damned hoity toity wine ball? Give me a break. That’s not how you drink beer like a man; this is how you do it. Give me another one!

(Someone tosses Rick a malt beer. He rips open the top half of the can with his hands, drinks the rest, spikes the can, then pulls out a pistol and shoots it.)

See that, all you manginas? That’s how you do it. All you nerdos on the internet wish you could be a one millionth of me. Even if you could though, none of you could handle it, your brains would explode and I’d be there to get wasted on the remnants to celebrate my awesomeness.

There’s a new sheriff in town, and his name is Rick.

NOT SO FAST!!!! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE DOUCHEBAG ON THIS BLOG!!!

What the hell? Who said that? Whose there? Whose there? God?

EVEN BETTER….

I’m back, bitches. Someone give me a high five.