Brett Favre Is Back, In Other News A Piece of My Soul Dies

"Yeah, uh, strike that."

I have to admit, at the beginning of last year, I was a pretty big Brett Favre supporter. I used to consider Brett one of the top five quarterbacks in the history of the game. When my friends would call me crazy for making such a ridiculous statement, I would point out the stats, the touchdowns, and of course, NOT point out the high interception rate or losing to Michael Vick in the playoffs. I realize that I was pretty delusional about things back then, but hey, I’m a Chiefs fan. Seeing the truth (or the fact that Kansas City is totally going to suck) isn’t really one of our strongest points.

Thus, when the news of Brett’s glorious return to Wisconsin arrived this morning, you would think I would be elated that he has come back to challenge Aaron Rodgers, considering how much I joke at Aaron’s expense. Well to all those people who are wondering what I’m going to say, here it is: fuck you Brett Favre. That’s right, you heard it, fuck you. Fuck you and your drug riddled coming back to Green Bay, aka the Land of Cheese, aka the Land of Idiots so that once again you can play your heart out while simultaneously leading the league in interceptions, maybe just a little bit ahead of Rex Grossman.

Even worse, you had to arrive in the most obnoxious way ever, with screaming, fat, non deodorant using fans chanting your name while you slowly get out of your jet and wave to them like an asshole. The way you came off reminded me of that one Backstreet Boys music video where they’re prancing around the airport after hundreds of fans greet them. Your arrival and their arrival had so much in common, jerks getting off airplanes, media attention, and most of all, mindless groupies who would be ready to bum rush you and rip your clothes off if they were given the chance. Yeah, your ceremony was pretty much like that video, only your entrance was much gayer.

Why the hell did you even retire in the first place? Oh, maybe it’s because you felt you didn’t have enough of the media covering you already. Yeah, I mean I’m SURE ESPN wasn’t flashing their cameras at you when you broke the all time touchdown record, and I’m sure that there were no reporters when your team clinched the NFC North, and I’m sure that Chris Berman or Peter King wasn’t their ready to fellate you when you finally call it quits, and I’m absolutely one hundred percent sure every single website wasn’t compiling stories about you even though technically your career was “over.” Yeah, Brett, you sure have been rather quiet lately, I guess it’s a good thing that now anything even related to the NFL will probably be about you. Fantastic, asshole.

You know what’s the only thing that no one covered that SHOULD have been covered about Brett Favre? His interception record, which is a damn shame, because that record says way more about Brett than his touchdown record ever will.

"Remember me, Brett?"

So now what happens? Well, Green Bay has made it quite clear that Brett will have to “compete” with Aaron Rodgers for that starting position. And by compete, what they really mean is that Aaron will superficially be the starter, until he throws an incompletion and Brett Favre steps in to take over while thousands of dumb ass fans in Green Bay give him a standing ovation. Then he’ll throw five picks, but the minute Aaron Rodgers begins to warm up to get back in, John Madden will start stating how Rodgers still “isn’t ready.” Give me a break.

We feel for you Aaron, we really do. As former Cal alumni, we’ll be cheering for you, no matter how much you suck. Hey, maybe you should come over to Kansas City instead and play for them! Then you can lead the Chiefs to a Super Bowl and show those cheese eaters what they’re missing. Oh man, I really am delusional now.