Hey Brett, Quit Jerkin' Us Around and Make Up Your Mind, Damnit!

Damnit Brett, I thought we went over this already. I remember the Nancy little farewell speech you gave as you announced to all your knob slobbing buddies (Peter King, Chris Berman, John Madden, every single NFL sports reporter in the United states) announcing your retirement? Well guess what asshole, when you say you are going to retire, you stayed retired. Yeeesh!

Remember, I even threw you a little retirement shindig a few months ago before you made the announcement. It was a grand affair, I invited everyone, but noooo, you almost ruined by announcing that you weren’t going to retire after all. That means I would have to returned that cake that had your picture on it. Thank god you didn’t because it’s hard to try to get a full refund on that shit. I would’ve been down a whole forty dollars.

It was pretty cool hearing your retirement at the press conference, though. All these images flashed before my eyes as you said those magical words “I’m retiring.” Just like that, I began to think about how awesome the “Reign of Rodgers” would be as I unleashed it all over Wisconsin. I would have broken every single touchdown record in the book (including yours, Johnny McPainkiller Addiction), lead Green Bay to ten consecutive Super Bowls, steal Jessica Simpson from Romo, dump Jessica Simpson, do some blow, and then pull a Lawrence Taylor and drag my cocaine addled body onto the field and win another NFC Championship game while every other single quarterback in the league bows down to my greatness. Yup, that future sounds pretty reasonable to me.

But noooooo, a few months later, your old man ass decided you had the “itch” to play football again. Itch? What the hell does that mean? Does that mean you have a skin irritation that causes you to want to play football again? Maybe a nice blind sided tackle from Osi Omenyiora will put that itch to oblivion.

Or better yet, how about a nice big fat bitch slap from me? Will that heal your hunger for playing? I’d be glad to give you your medicine with the palm of my hand. If you want, you can get addicted to those to.

Then all of a sudden people are telling me that all of that itch crap was bullshit. Well, stop pussyfooting us around and make up your damn mind! Is your old age getting to you already? Shiet. I didn’t you could get Alzheimer’s when you’re forty something.

You know how much that sucks for me? You’re totally throwing off my NFL season preparation. If you decide to come back, then tell me already! You know how long it takes to find a nice seat cushion from IKEA? Or fan? Or footbath? No way I’m sitting on that metal bench the whole game without any luxuries. At least if you let me know you’re coming back, I can plan accordingly.

Also, if you do decide to come back, I totally got to start finding my own Jeff Gillooly to take out one of Brian Brohm’s kneecaps. At least that way, I can put to rest early the imminent QB controversy that will brew once you retire again. You were the one who always told me to prepare for the future early. You also told me “screw the back up” (makes sense considering how you man handle my hopes and dreams every time you announced that you were coming back). You really are a great teacher!

And if you don’t decide to come back, tell me that too! If I want to tap Jessica Simpson, I got to send flowers and shit and work on my photo shop so I can circulate a picture of Tony Romo making out with TO. Guess Romo really WOULD be TO’s quarterback, if ya get what I’m sayin’. Yuk yuk yuk.

Plus, I’ve been your back up for three years already, cut me some slack and let me shine. Me and you were like BFF, so just let me play. I’ve never done anything to wrong you, minus the whole telling Green Bay fans to “shut up and forget about you.” I was totally drunk or something when I said that. If Kerry Collins gets a free pass while on the booze, I think I should too.

But seriously Brett, stop hovering around this subject and just come out and say if you’re coming back or not. It’s really putting me in a loop here because you’re totally ruining my preseason shopping plans.