Zen, Schmen, You Guys Better Start Getting Your Sh-t Straight!

24 points. 24 points, fuckers! That’s how much we were up by at one point in the game! How do you let 24 points slide down to only a 10 point lead, then just plain suck it in the 3rd quarter?

Okay Phil, calm down. Remember that Buddhist passage you read about peace prior to the game. Yes, the Eastern Philosophy… that’s it… calming down now…. no…. wait…. murderous rage coming trough… must…. contain…. anger…. can’t….ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!

15 points in the 3rd, and that’s it! Really guys? Really? Even a team lead by Scottie Pippen could score more than that. I should know, because I’ve seen it! Fuck, you fuckers are so lucky that I practice meditation and all that shit, because my mental balance is keeping my from tearing you losers a new asshole!

Vujacic? More like Vuja-shit, because that’s how you played. What happened to all that magic you had on Tuesday? Did you all of a sudden decide, “Hey, I know how I’ll follow that great performance, I’ll go 1-9 on my field goals?” Brilliant, you dumb fuck!

Farmar? I loved that last minute three you made at the end of the game. It was pretty cool; too bad it was the only shot you made all night! This isn’t UCLA, boy. If I want someone to run around the court and take up space, I might as well have called up Shaq again. At least with his fat ass we can box people out.

Odom! Actually, you played all right. I’ll “reward” you after this talk. Just meet me in the alley behind the Staples Center.

And you Kobe, oh Kobe! You hear what they chant when you’re on the court? “MVP, MVP!” Well you know what else an MVP does… he plays defense! PJ Brown dunked on you, and he’s practically my age. Another thing, you’re the leader out there, so lead your men, no matter how god awful they are. I’m looking at you Luke!

What happened to all that yoga and stuff that I showed you in order to help you master your inner Zen and kick unrelenting ass on the court? You think I waste my time with that shit for no reason? It works, damnit! You know what my yoga could do right now? It could reach across this room and kick each and every one of you in the face! Where were your heads out there? And Kobe, don’t say in the Laker Girls’ shower room because that’s too easy of an answer, even for you!

You know who else got MVP chants? Tom Brady! You know what they chant now in Boston? 18-1! Shit, that’s going to happen to us pretty soon… “Western Conference Champs!” And you know what they’ll be chanting in Boston? “NBA Champs.”

C’mon guys, stop pussy footin’ around and get your head out of your asses!

From Around the Blogs:
Postcards from Los Angeles [Empty the Bench]
Famous batting stances [Joe Sports Fan]
Marcus Vick is at it again [Hampton Roads]