Kobe Bryant On Shaq's Rap: "I Do Not Find That Amusing"

You think you’re so clever with your rhymes that a seventh grader could only approve. Hey Shaq, here’s a tip about rapping, don’t rhyme “me” and “me” like fifty times.


It’s not a flow if you can’t use more than one word in the dictionary. Another tip, if you’re going to rap, maybe you should try switching up the subject instead of going back and forth between Notorious BIG and yourself. Just because you make shout outs to famous people doesn’t make your rap coherent. I know it’s supposed to be a free style, but the only thing it was free of was talent.

What the hell man, I thought we were buddies and shit. We even hugged and shook hands before our game against each other. Where the hell did this animosity come from?

When I heard the rap, I was going to make my own battle rap against yours, but I didn’t want to stoop down to your level. When I say that, I mean literally, because I don’t think anyone would want to rap with your skills, not even white people.

And by the way, I never had a “taste of your ass” but I’m pretty sure it has a sweet taste since most of it’s made of candy. I’m sure D-Wade could tell you all about it.

Secondly, fuck you. Who the fuck are you to criticize me this season? The last time I checked, you and the Suns pretty much stunk. Yeah, “Kobe didn’t win a championship without me,” well guess what fucknut, you didn’t win a champion with you either. You even had white Kobe on your team and you still managed to fuck that up.

Come to think of it, what have you done lately? Seems like the only time you’re making a headline is when you’re doing something not related to basketball. The only time I really heard about you was when you got traded, and that was that. Running out of things to do? Maybe you can go back to your old attention grabbing standards like saying you had sex with Cindy Crawford or making racist Chinese jokes which no one finds funny. Rosie O’ Donell did the same shit. I don’t think I need to elaborate on that.

Or maybe you can do the other thing you’ve done best, produce crappy ass merchandise. Blue Chips, Shazam, Steel? Ohhh, they’re all great really. If you didn’t catch me laughing at your jokes, all you have to do is pop in a DVD for one of these suckfests and I’ll be on the floor. Sometimes I’m not for a movie, so I’ll just watch an episode of Shaq’s Big Challenge.

Not only has your show helped fat kids lose weight, it helped me lose weight too, because every time I watch it, I want to throw up. Or maybe I should just play a great game of Shaq Fu instead.

I don’t even know what the fuck that was all about. First I play as you, walk into a dojo, and then I’m fighting Mummies? Makes total sense I guess for a Shaq game. I can’t believe kids wasted fifty bucks for this. Hey Shaq, Krusty the Clown wants his gimmick back.

So in conclusion Shaq, go suck a nut, because I don’t give a shit about your two phrase raps or your desire to have people toss your salad. While you’re getting fired from your half a job, I’m too busy hanging out with real celebrities and banging my hot wife and my cheerleading groupies. Enjoy your stint as a freestyle artist, it won’t last very long.