I'm Probably Going To Move the Raiders to LA, But Most Likely I'm Not, Just Kidding But Not Really

What’s up knuckleheads? Now I hear that some people out there have been saying that Numero Uno is moving the Raiders out of Oakland and into Los Angeles, and let me tell you right here, right now, that all of this hoity toity talk is all a bunch of bullshit. You think some frilly little stadium is going to convince Al Davis to sellout and hang the Raider Nation of Oakland out to dry? Well to answer your question, I’m giving you the direct answer of maybe.

If there’s one thing Al Davis does best, it’s dodging controversy. You think you’re puny little rumors are going to get anywhere when it comes to getting inside my head. You’re dead wrong. I mean, I’m the man who sued the NFL. Paul Taglibue, Roger Goodell, they don’t scare me, you know why? Because I’m crazy. And I don’t mean old geezer crazy either, I mean balls out, do whatever the hell I feel like crazy. Thus, when it comes to this whole topic about moving to Los Angeles, you never know what the hell is going to happen. One day I may say we’re not moving, the next day I say we will.

It’s called business, numbnuts. You Raider fans haven’t been buying your damn tickets like you’re supposed to. Instead of seeing the Raiders vs. Broncos games, Oakland ends up getting blacked out because you dipshits ain’t buying my product. You know what we’re stuck with instead? An afternoon movie starring Charles Grodin. Seriously, Charles fucking Grodin. That’s pathetic. That’s basically saying that this no name loser has more star power than the whole Raider team. What the hell? Al Davis doesn’t produce a losing product.

With all this rumor going around, now I’m finally getting to you guys that people need to buy tickets. I realize that Oakland is a whole limited market and all, but I got to sell sell sell. That’s why with the possibility of moving, it’s finally getting to everyone’s head that unless seats start getting filled, I’m moving out! Sure, people may like me less, but you know what? I’m Al Davis. Does it look like a give a shit what people think of me? If you’ve seen a photo of me recently, you’ll know the answer is definitely no.

“Al,” you may ask, “haven’t you tried moving the Raiders to Los Angeles before? And hasn’t that not worked out so well?”

First of all, you’re a moron. How dare you question my intelligence? I’m Al Davis. How many Super Bowl Rings have a I won? 3. How many have you won? None, so shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down. Who has the next question?

That’s what I thought.

Right now Los Angeles is begging for a football team. They’re tired of seeing UCLA fucking things up. They’re tired of watching those little boys at USC play pee wee football. I should know, considering I was the line coach there in the late 50’s. I hear they were considering the lines that I coached the greatest in all of college football history. That’s damn right, because back then, there were real gladiators on the field. Nowadays, you just have some spoiled punks playing football in LA. LA wants to see real men play, not these acne filled losers on the field.

And that’s when AD is hitting the market, in its prime baby! I’m striking when the iron is hot, and when there’s a brand new, state of the art stadium available. I mean, have you been to McAfee Coliseum? Shit, I own the team, and I’ve barely been there. Enough said.

So Raider fans, it looks like the Black and Silver moving down South is very real, but it can be only a dream if you guys support the Raiders tenfold! I mean Los Angeles is nice and all, but it can never replace your loyal money. I mean merchandise sales. I mean… ahh fuck it, I’m too old to be bullshitting around anymore. Just go to the damn games because at my old age, my mind is getting as convoluted as this little spiel I just gave.

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