Cedric Benson, The Raiders Are Gonna One Up Ya With All Those Fancy Gadgets

Cedric Benson, upon receiving yet another DUI, was given a 55 million dollar contract by the Oakland Raiders. No, just kidding, the Raiders aren’t that STUPID…

Nevertheless, Cedric Benson did receive a state of the art anti start system for his vehicle; preventing him from driving his car if he fails a built in breathalyzer. How cool is that; Benson has to blow into the breathalyzer in order for it to allow him to start his car.

This got me thinking.

With technology making life so much easier nowadays, we pondered what technological marvels could be used to make the Raiders a Superbowl team.

Calorie Counters

You just drafted a quarterback by the name of JaMarcus Russell via your first pick in the draft. Mishaps occur, contracts don’t get finalized…he doesn’t play his rookie year. Before the 2nd year has even begun, he’s fat. The Raiders could implement a calorie count; whereby you input all of the food items you are about to eat, into a device, and it lists the contents of the foods and whether or not you are allowed to eat them. This can be reported directly to a sports doctor for the Raiders via wireless signal; thus preventing your multi million dollar investment from become Homer Simpson.

An interactive roster

You have no wide receiver, but you have 4 million running backs. It might help to have this virtual roster, you know like the one ESPN has on their website, that allowed the coaching staff to see just what would happen if they got another running back. This nifty device, that was invented about 50 years ago, might have helped the Raiders not wind up with 4 running backs and one spot for them.

A Jewish Statistician

If the Raiders had one of these, they would be able to figure out which players were constantly messing up, and which players were actually playing well. Maybe the Jewish Statistician could hook up with one of my boys down at a call center in India and write a simulation program to show the coaching staff just what the drawbacks are of signing a player with a bad track record.

A low pass band filter to prevent rap/hip hop radio stations from entering the Raiders locker rooms and car stereos.

Lil Wayne, T-Pain, Fat Joe…they are really screwing up the Raiders. Maybe if Javon Walker wasn’t poppin’ bottles like he just won a championship ring…he wouldn’t have gotten knocked upside his head and left in the gutter on the Vegas strip (there were 2 rap innuendos there, one new one old …see if you can get them) .

A penalty taser

Attached to the backs of every Raiders player is a small device that electrocutes them every time they make a dumbass penalty. Off sides on hard-counts, 15 yard facemasks, personal fouls, unnecessary roughness calls…yea all would require tasering. Warren Sapp would be very happy to know that he retired after this was enforced.