Kevin Love Has Made His Decision, and It Will Blow Your Mind

Now I know you’ve been hearing a lot about my draft status. Some people have reported I’m leaving, others have reported I’m staying. The funny thing is that I haven’t said shit yet, and all these false reports have made me look like one giant flip flopper. I’m not John Kerry, okay?

Anyway, now that I have all of you here, members of the press, I have decided to make my announcement. I would like to announce to everyone that I have decided to forego my sophomore year and go straight to the pros……… and when I say pro, I mean professional stripper.

(Shocks and murmurs fill the press room)

I know what a lot of you are thinking, “Kevin, why aren’t you going to the NBA?” I ask you this, press members, “Who said the NBA was my ultimate goal?” Now, for those of you who have known me just this year, you probably look at me and think Kevin Love: All American Basketball Player. However, those who have known me my entire life know me as Kevin Love: Aspiring Male Stripper. I guess it all started back in the 90’s. It was movie night and my dad was either going to rent The Full Monty or Hoosiers. Let’s just say they ran out of copies of Hoosiers. Plus, The Full Monty didn’t get nominated for Best Picture for nothing. It was pretty much the greatest choice my dad ever made for me.

So why waste your time playing basketball, you ask? Well I don’t know if any of you notice, but strippers need rocking bodies, and there’s nothing that gets you a hot bod more than running a few suicides everyday. I would have to say all those years of basketball have made me into one bitching male stripper. If there was a male stripper draft today, I’d be the Kevin Durant of it. Being a number 1 pick is always better than being 4 or 5.

Besides, with a name like Kevin Love, you really expect me not to be a stripper?

I’ll take this time to answer questions now.

Stephen A Smith: So let me get this straight, you’re going to throw away a potential million dollar contract away to be a stripper? This is ridiculous, you have to got be the dumbest person alive, and don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about son, because you know you ain’t foolin’ anyone with your shenanigans.

KL: Who said I wasn’t going to sign a million dollar contract? Same money, different profession.

Skip Bayless: This is unbelievable. This. Has to be. The. Silliest Thing. I’ve ever heard. In my life. Am I dreaming?

KL: No you aren’t Skip. In fact, for a small price, I can make it so that you’ll be living out one of your dreams. Wink wink.

Stuart Scott: Booya! Do you know where you’ll be headed? Booya!

KL: Great question Stu! I’m not sure yet, but I’ve gotten calls from New York and Los Angeles. It should be exciting.

Dana Jacobson: Glug glug glug glug glug. Fuckin’ Charlie Weis and his Pop Tart eating fat ass. Fuck him!

KL: That’s not really a question Dana. Next?

Dickie V: Yeah baby! How much for a party appearance? I’m ready to call call call. I’ll even get the pizza! Remember, its not delivery, it’s Digiorno, baby!

KL: For you Dick, there's no charge.