George Steinbrenner, the owner of the New York Yankees, has soooooo much money. He used that money to buy the New York Yankees, and thought that he could buy himself a championship every year with that money. It worked for awhile in the 20th century, but it's the 21s century now, George...IT AIN'T WORKING!! He bought players like Randy Johnson, Jason Giambi, Johnny Damon, and Alex Rodriguez. If he could, he would buy steroids for all of them too. Actually, I'm pretty sure he did. But in the recent years, we have seen that the Yankees are going nowhere. Buying players doesn't seem to work for George anymore. Therefore, he tried to buy players for different reasons to win.
First, he bought a guy named Shelley Duncan, yes a guy named Shelley is not really a guy. He bought him to come into the game during Spring Training to kick a fellow baseball player (Akinori Iwamura) in the groin, which caused a benches-clearing brawl. Very nice! He thought taking out some good Japanese talent would stop the recent import of Japanese players. But the Japanese know how to play baseball. They're so good that players would want to play in Japan, even San Francisco's beloved Barry Bonds, who would consider Japan a possibility if the MLB doesn't work out this year. Japan is awesome; who needs steroids when you got sushi rice balls and sashimi, with some miso soup on the side?
Old fashion groin kicking didn't work out for George, so he decided to fulfill someone's dreams instead of worrying about his team. He bought the 60-year-old Billy Crystal for a 1-day contract to play baseball. And of course he wore #60 for his age. What happened? He struck out. The only highlight of the at-bat was a mere foul ball down the first base line. To give him credit, he did work the count to 3-1 before striking out. It was a good publicity stunt.
At 60 years old, Billy Crystal's reactions may be a little slow. Just like his career!
Better look at the hot HOT mui caliente Jessica Alba than that actual Cash Warren. Cash Warren. Did you have anything to do with this George? Just because his name's Cash? I can change my name to Cash if you want. Cash Register, or Cash Money like the Millionaires.
We know George has money, but New York isn't working out. It's time to move. Where else you ask? California of course! The Bay Area has 2 baseball teams, LA has 2 baseball teams, now San Diego can have 2 baseball teams. You can be the new Carlsbad Yankees! Since you have money, you should only buy players who are named Carl, or last-named Carl, like Carl(ton) from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Carl Carlson from The Simpsons. I'm sure they'll do fine.
Then you can buy out all the Carl's Jrs out there and make them your official sponsors and only sell the Six Dollar Burger for $15 at Carlsbad Stadium. You can also trademark the phrase "Carl's bad," which can mean 2 things. "Carl's bad" can mean that Carl is playing horribly so he is bad. But "Carl's baaaaaaaaad" can also mean that Carl is playing soooooo well that he's baaaaaad. The cool people use it, so should the Carlsbad Yankees.
George Steinbrenner, this is a golden opportunity for you to succeed in the Golden State. Don't worry about the New Yorkers, although I'm sure you're not worried about them. But hey, they have the Mets, who are actually good, but so are the Carlsbad Yankees! But speaking of the Golden State, go Warriors! #8 is the new #1.
But yes George, this pointless post is about you because you paid me $343 million to write it. So here's to you:
"Fuck Donald Trump; I'm George Steinbrenner. You're fired!!"
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