Wednesday, February 6, 2007: NCAA National Signing Day.
Rewind.
Friday, February 1, 2007: Somewhere in the school gym of Fernley High School in Fernley, Oregon...
Offensive Lineman Kevin Hart: "Ladies and gentlemen, friends and family, my teammates and my coach, after anxious and sleepless nights, lengthy conversations with Coach Tedford, and long discussions with my parents, I have decided to sign my national intent to attend the University of California and play for the California Golden Bears in the 2008 season!! This decision will change my life from here on out."
The gym goes crazy. Everybody cheers. Kevin Hart's father couldn't hold back his tears. After 4 years of playing for Fernley on the small stage, he was going to make it to the big leagues. This was Kevin Hart's moment.
Except, as our friends at Deadspin.com first informed us, Kevin Hart never spoke to Tedford or ANY Cal recruiters.
Above is the list of recruits by Cal, some of them are signed, some of them verbally agreed. One name was missing: Kevin Hart, OL, 6-5, 290, Fernley H.S. (NV).
Somewhere outside the gym of Fernley High School hiding in the bushes, a mysterious "Kevin Riley" is chuckling and laughing his ass off, knowing that this was all a fluke.
Man, how embarrassing and humiliating this must have been for poor little Kevin Hart. After telling the entire student body about his future college plans, he had to acknowledge that fact that he was, in fact, going nowhere. Funny, yes. Sad, yes.
What happens now?
1. Coach Tedford feels bad for him so he recruits Hart. Hart turns out to be an All-American football player on the field and in athletics, and becomes a future NFL first-rounder.
2. Cal feels bad for him so they accept Hart to the best public university in the world. Hart tries out for a walk-on spot on the football team and becomes an All-American a la scenario #1.
3. Hart goes nowhere and stays in Fernley to attend a nearby community college. We hear him no more. If that happens, maybe he can cheer on the Golden Bears during the upcoming football season, just like these Asian engineers below:
"We are Asian; we are engineers; we are the California Golden Bears!"Well it turns out there was no Kevin Riley who knocked on Kevin's door. In fact, it was no one. Like many Americans, we were all fooled by Kevin Hart, because he is one big fat liar. This kid made everything up. It was a noble attempt indeed to fulfill his wildest dreams, and we're actually kind of flattered a little.
I mean, if a guy has to make up imaginary recruiters and fake several phone calls to get into the big C, it must say something about Cal. I'm not sure what it actually says, but it says something...
On an unrelated note, next time I want to get into Harvard Law School, why don't I just tell them they accepted me. It'll be easy. "What do you mean you never heard of me before? I got your phone calls and everything."
At the same time thought, we're kind of sad that Kevin had to resort to lying. If his story was true, we were ready to launch a let Kevin Hart walk on campaign with an online petition and everything. Now, we realized Kevin had to get into Cal in the first place, which he probably didn't considering he had to make up a crazy story to even get attention, but he had our support nonetheless.
Kevin Hart's plan might have worked too, if he had not been so obvious in his lying. I mean, c'mon, a recruiter named Kevin Riley? Hmm.... where have we heard that name before?
"Hi! I'm Kevin Riley! Nice to meet you!"Oh, that's right, THAT Kevin Riley. Our Quarterback who fucked up our year at Oregon State and saved our year simultaneously at the Armed Forces Bowl.
Nice job, Kevin Hart, you Einstein, you. Next time you make up an imaginary person, try making up someone who is ACTUALLY imaginary. Maybe then things wouldn't be so obvious.
So Kevin, as you fade into obscurity and maybe a guest spot on the Surreal Life, we have these last words.
Nice job, Kevin Hart, you Einstein, you. Next time you make up an imaginary person, try making up someone who is ACTUALLY imaginary. Maybe then things wouldn't be so obvious.
So Kevin, as you fade into obscurity and maybe a guest spot on the Surreal Life, we have these last words.
"Nice try Kevin, your plan almost worked, but too bad life isn't more like episodes of the Simpsons."
3 comments:
If it had truly ben a hoax, I'd say kudos for the kid for exposing the farce of modern recruting. Sad thing is that he really believed it.
what a loser. his face after he puts on the cal hat is priceless.
only one of the three asians is an engineer. one doesn't even go to cal.
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