"I win!"Hooray for me! I can’t believe that I won the CSSY (California Sportsperson or Shark of the Year) award. I mean, I thought I was popular, but not that popular! Hooray! Thanks for everyone who voted for me. It was a tough battle where I had to face off against a lot of opponents. I’d just like to take this opportunity to state that they were great competitors.
“ARRRRRRRGH!!! YELL!! YELL!!! SCREAM!!!!”Barry Bonds, it was a tough match, but you put up a challenge.
“I would just like to state I did not take any poll enhancing drugs.”And finally, I want to give an applause to my opponent Jim Harbaugh, who put up a valiant effort in the finals. Stand up Jim!
“I can’t believe I lost to a fucking shark. What the hell? I need to think about my life. I suck. I should have gotten that job in Baltimore, not my bro. Fuck.”As a reward for my victory, I’ll get to present to you who from California is playing in the all star game this weekend. Hooray for me!
Ryan Getzlaf, C, Anaheim Mighty Ducks
An excellent center who has 58 points on the season. Also looks extra tasty. Yum. Boy I’m getting hungry.
Chris Pronger, D, Anaheim Mighty DucksThe wiley old veteran defenseman. A hard hitter with who can also score some points. Doesn’t look as delicious as Getzlaf, and he might put too much of a fight for me if I decide to eat him. Oh well.
Joe Thorton, C, San Jose SharksHe’s the man! I would never dare to eat him, Shark fans would kill me! Even though they’re from Silicon Valley, someone like Mark Hurd might try to hunt me for sport!
Evgeni Nabokov, G, San Jose SharksI don’t know about goalies. All their padding makes it hard to get to their meat. It’s like eating a lobster, which is no fun. Oh yeah, he’s a good goalie too.
Anze Kopitar, C, Los Angeles KingsWho? I guess that’s a good thing, the more obscure, the less likely someone will care once I bite his leg off.
Well there you have it, the Californians from the 2008 All Star Game. All this talk about humans makes me want to get a snack.
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