Philip Rivers on the AFC Championship: Everyone Played Bad Except Me

After the Chargers loss Sunday, the TPIC was able to obtain exclusive audio from Philip River’s post game speech to his fellow Chargers. Let’s take a listen.

Nice job, dipshits. We totally started off that game the way Philip Rivers always starts the game, as winners. We totally stopped the Pats on their first drive. That set the tempo off right away. Then, good old number 17 here marched us down the field like how I march on to your girlfriends’ bed when you’re staying late for team meetings. Fucking losers. Three points later, we were up by three points and ready to unleash a Charger rage all over New England’s beer belly, chowder eating, retarded accent talking asses. After that field goal, we were ready for a blow out. I got us on track.

But nooooooo, the next series, Tom Brady and his band of gay-triots scored a touchdown like that…. like that!

Nice going defense, you bunch of losers. How the hell were you able to contain Brady in the first quarter, but then right when the second quarter starts, you fold like Marty Schottenheimer against John Elway? Way to turn things around, man.

Oh, so you said you picked off Brady three times? Good for you. You want a fuckin’ trophy for that? Well guess what, we could have a much cooler trophy had the won the game, by you know, preventing the patriots from scoring. Oh wait, guess that’s pretty much impossible with you assholes jogging on the field.

Don’t even look at me like that Merriman!

I’m not afraid of you! Who do I look like, Jeff Fisher? I’ll call you out on that any day of the week. I thought you were going to shove it to Brady, take him out and shit. I wanted to see him after the game being fed strained peas by Giselle in a New England hospital. I was counting on you, and you failed me! I don’t care if you’re “Lights Out”, don’t you dare attack me with a roid rage assault! You’re not Chris Benoit. I went to NC State, school of hard knock Southern boys. You went to Maryland, school of the goddamn turtles. I eat turtles in my soup with bay mint leaves sprinkled on top.

It tastes awesome. I even use their shells to make ashtrays for my cousins.

Oh, so I guess you defensive guys think that we should have scored more, that maybe it would have helped you guys. Well that ain’t my fucking fault, OK? It’s everyone else’s. Nice job Antoinio Gates. Two catches? That’s all? How the hell did you make it to the Pro Bowl. Hell, the only reason you got there in the first place was because of me, fucker. Chris Chambers? Nice job dipshit. Try holding on the ball instead of practically gift wrapping it to Asante Samuels.

That pick now goes on my stat sheet. You know how bad that looks, it makes me look like a total douche as a player! As a person, I’m fine with being a douche, but as a player: un-fuckin’-acceptable. Vincent Jackson? You did all right, but next time try getting ALL my looks to you. So what if I overthrew that ball and it went out of bounds? If you were a real player, you’d figure out how to get that. It’s not my problem, it’s yours.

Lastly, there’s you LT.

You’ve been riding my back all year about how I’m not a team player, and then you totally let me down. I was counting on you to get some New England heat off, but instead, you hurt your precious leg and decided to sit the rest of the game? What the hell man? I thought you wanted this shit! I thought you were always whining about being a winner and how you would die for this Charger organization. Even I was out there with a busted knee, and I don’t give a shit about San Diego. The only reason I wanted to win was so I could get some major league poon after the game. Now I only get minor league poon. Way to cock block buddy.

I hear a lot of you out in the locker room think it’s my fault that we lost, that my completion percentage was low and that I totally crumbled under the pressure. To all of you, I would just like to say this.

Flips off the whole locker room.

Like I give a shit what you all think. I don’t care what you all say. I was awesome simply because I am Philip Rivers, and I can do no wrong. I wasn’t pressured, I was scrambling, you fools just couldn’t clear a path for me to run. My passes weren’t overthrow, you assholes just weren’t hustling enough. Those weren’t interceptions, I just gave the Pats opportunities on offense, so that you dumbasses on defense could prove your worth. None of it is my fault. Nothing. It’s all your fault! All of it! And now, we have to hear a bunch of fat, drunk Boston fans gloat about 19-0 for the rest of eternity. Real fuckin’ grand.

I hope you guys all work real hard during the off-season, because you guys fuckin’ suck, while I’m nearly perfect. See you assholes next year.

Well there you have it. And while Philip Rivers didn’t have many nice things to say, the TPIC would really like to say thanks to the Chargers. You got farther than we thought and you gave us much to write about, mainly Philip Rivers. Well done, San Diego, well done.

Also to be fair, Philip Rivers was very non douchy after his loss, but it was too hard to resist. Good job Philip, maybe next year.