"Let me play already, goddamnit!"I thought we agreed on this man. This year, after you had your one final shot at glory, you would hand the ball over to me and let Green Bay rest on my shoulders. Now I hear rumors that you want to stay one, two, even three more years with the Packers? I know you’re a legend, Brett, but seriously, what gives man?
I thought you were going to call it quits! I even planned your retirement party for you. All your friends would have been there, Ben Stiller, Peter King, Sterling Sharpe, all of them. I was even going to invite Mark Chmura, and I would definitely make sure he would stay away from your daughters. Alan Jackson was even going to come out and do a little country diddy for you. But no, now I’m probably gonna have to cancel all of that shit now. I thought that since you were going to be nice and give a chance to start, that I could throw a party for you. Well guess what? I thought wrong!
Haven’t you had your fun already? I mean, you already won a Superbowl, was named MVP on three separate occasions, got a few passing titles, and even broke Dan Marino’s touchdown record. I would say that’s a pretty awesome career. But let’s face it, you’re old too. Your decisions are sometimes more rash than they were before. You can’t just chuck it down the field and pray that Donald Driver is going to make the catch now. Things aren’t like they were before. Now you have crazy DB’s like Ed Reed and Roy Williams just waiting for their chance to pick you off. And you think your defensive friends, like Strahan, are going to stick around forever? I don’t think so. Instead you have people like Albert Haynesworth ready to flatten your face with his new pair of cleats. I’m just worried that you won’t be able to take the pain. It’d be a shame to see you pull a Trent Green on all of us.
Besides, it’s about time for sports’ REAL A-Rod to come out and make some plays. I’ve been holding this weenie clipboard for three years now man. While you were out there throwing touchdown passes and getting slaps on the butt from our coaches, I was on the sideline, with my dinky little Green Bay cap on throwing passes to the goddamn punter. And every practice, what do I do while you get to scrimmage with Greg Jennings and the crew? I’m stuck back learning from Craig, fuckin’ Nall. What the hell.
I don’t really mean to be disrespectful or anything, Brett, but seriously, my time has come! Wasn’t it obvious when I lead a small comeback during the Dallas game where you decided it would be a great idea to throw it to anyone that WASN’T wearing a Packer jersey? Even though we lost that game in the end, I would say the game was at least won in our hearts. That sounds totally gay, but I’m sticking with it. Can’t the coaches see I’m ready from me breaking my foot in 2006? Isn’t it obvious from how I lead Cal to that awesome loss to Texas Tech in the Holiday Bowl that I’m ready for the pros? It’s Aaron time, bitches!
I thought you were going to call it quits! I even planned your retirement party for you. All your friends would have been there, Ben Stiller, Peter King, Sterling Sharpe, all of them. I was even going to invite Mark Chmura, and I would definitely make sure he would stay away from your daughters. Alan Jackson was even going to come out and do a little country diddy for you. But no, now I’m probably gonna have to cancel all of that shit now. I thought that since you were going to be nice and give a chance to start, that I could throw a party for you. Well guess what? I thought wrong!
Haven’t you had your fun already? I mean, you already won a Superbowl, was named MVP on three separate occasions, got a few passing titles, and even broke Dan Marino’s touchdown record. I would say that’s a pretty awesome career. But let’s face it, you’re old too. Your decisions are sometimes more rash than they were before. You can’t just chuck it down the field and pray that Donald Driver is going to make the catch now. Things aren’t like they were before. Now you have crazy DB’s like Ed Reed and Roy Williams just waiting for their chance to pick you off. And you think your defensive friends, like Strahan, are going to stick around forever? I don’t think so. Instead you have people like Albert Haynesworth ready to flatten your face with his new pair of cleats. I’m just worried that you won’t be able to take the pain. It’d be a shame to see you pull a Trent Green on all of us.
Besides, it’s about time for sports’ REAL A-Rod to come out and make some plays. I’ve been holding this weenie clipboard for three years now man. While you were out there throwing touchdown passes and getting slaps on the butt from our coaches, I was on the sideline, with my dinky little Green Bay cap on throwing passes to the goddamn punter. And every practice, what do I do while you get to scrimmage with Greg Jennings and the crew? I’m stuck back learning from Craig, fuckin’ Nall. What the hell.
I don’t really mean to be disrespectful or anything, Brett, but seriously, my time has come! Wasn’t it obvious when I lead a small comeback during the Dallas game where you decided it would be a great idea to throw it to anyone that WASN’T wearing a Packer jersey? Even though we lost that game in the end, I would say the game was at least won in our hearts. That sounds totally gay, but I’m sticking with it. Can’t the coaches see I’m ready from me breaking my foot in 2006? Isn’t it obvious from how I lead Cal to that awesome loss to Texas Tech in the Holiday Bowl that I’m ready for the pros? It’s Aaron time, bitches!
So Brett, you had a great career, and I hope you do well tomorrow against Seattle. But you’re the past and I’m the present. Next year, Green Bay will only know one name: Aaron.Just retire, old man. Please, pretty please, with a cherry on top!
1 comments:
Brett played awesome and is in no state to retire, but man, this article was funnnny.
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