Wrapping Up 2007 For Sports In California

"It's been a fun year."

Let’s see the good and bad that each major team faced over 2007:

NFL
San Francisco 49ers:
Good: The drafting of Patrick Willis gives birth to Patrick Willis Jokes.
Bad: Sobering up to the fact that Alex Smith maybe wasn’t the best number 1 pick.

Oakland Raiders:
Good: Justin Fargas broke 1000 yards.
Bad: What happened to LaMont Jordan? He was the rock on my fantasy team until week 10. Damnit.

San Diego Chargers
Good: Boasted an impressive 14-2 record and a number 3 seed in the 2007-2008 season.
Bad: Considering Marty Schottenheimer was 5-13 in the post season, the regular season meant nothing, especially since they went against the Patriots. Even worse, Norv Turner is 1-1 in the post season. Let’s keep our fingers crossed.

NHL
San Jose Sharks:
Good: Made it to the semi finals in 2007.
Bad: Three words: Ugly Ass Jerseys

Anaheim Mighty Ducks:
Good: Stanley Cup.
Bad: Can’t really complain about anything I guess.

Los Angeles Kings:
Good: Luc Robitaille’s jersey is retired. A nice way to send him off.
Bad: LA is constantly overshadowed by the city of Anaheim. I need not say more.

NBA
Golden State Warriors
Good: We believed!!
Bad: We stopped believing after a horrible start. Then we started winning again. We believe again!

Los Angeles Clippers
Good: Drafted Al Thorton. He’s doing pretty fine if you ask me.
Bad: Shaun Livingston. Ouch.

Los Angeles Lakers
Good: Kobe stays in LA.
Bad: Kobe stays in LA.

MLB
Oakland A’s
Good: Dan Haren has a great season.
Bad: Then he’s traded.

Los Angeles Dodgers
Good: Joe Torre is coming to town.
Bad: Pretty much pulled a New York Mets down the stretch of the season.

Los Angeles Angels
Good: Made the playoffs.
Bad: Lost in the playoffs.

San Francisco Giants:
Good: Barry Bonds breaks the home run record….
Bad: …with an asterisk.

The Best Thing About the Niners' 2007 Season.... It's Over

"Nice special teams, jackasses."

At least we can look forward to next ye-.... oh wait, um next next ye-.... actually, next next next .... that's not right. Okay, at least we can look forward to 2021.

Who Said Grant Hill is Old?

"I'm back!"

Who's been calling me Grant "Over the Hill?" Was it you?

Well guess what, the G-man is back! Twenty two points yesterday against the Clips. 22! Can an old timer do that? Can a geezer shoot one over Kaman? I don't think so.

Only one thing will solidify my 12th comeback. Sprite. It's coming back too, bitches.

U12's Fantasy Football Preview for the Final Week

"An accurate portrayl of his real game mechanics"

Hey there. Now as the final week of regular season closes, there are probably some leagues out there that are still going, not ending a week early like most leagues would to bypass the “sit down” week.

This week presents a lot of tough decisions since a lot of teams with secured playoff spots will not be starting their starters.

Starting off with the biggest game of the week

NY GIANTS v NEW ENGLAND

We all know how the Patriots love to run up the score. We all know how big the ego is of everyone on the Patriots. All year its been discussed; will the Patriots make it to 16-0? And if you think the Patriots will rest their starters and jeopardize all that you must be crazy. Except Tom Brady and Randy Moss to be out, striving to run up the score early in the first half. If that is to happen, however, the Patriots’ starters will then be benched. But by then it wouldn’t really be a bad thing since your fantasy stats would already be pretty solid. As for the Giants, with their offense in a mess right now this game serves as a great potential to build momentum for the playoffs. If the Giants beat the Patriots, they could be the most dangerous team in the NFC with all the confidence they would have. However, I really cant see that happening. Eli sucks. The Pats run defense isn’t that great so if the Giants give the ball to Jacobs a whole bunch he might break a few for a couple touchdowns. Yet, Jacobs will not be able to carry the Giants to a victory. In the end, the Patriots strike early and win 28-14, ending their perfect season.

Dallas v Washington

Romo wants to play. And he will. For about a quarter. Dallas should be more sensible then to make their starters play a full game. If Terry Glenn gets the chance to run a few routes Tony Romo will definitely play; but I really cannot see him playing more than a quarter. Since the Cowboys use a running back by committee offense, both Marion Barber and Julius Jones will play but probably for only the first half. The Redskins, however, will be starting all their starters as this is a do or die game for them. Whether or not the Redskins win, their starters should be out playing well. Moss and Portis should have good fantasy games, and the Redskins will probably edge this one out and waltz into the playoffs.

Jags vs Texans

The Jags are awesome. If any team can beat the Patriots it’s the Jags. Look for Garrard, Drew, Taylor, and Scobee all to have great games against a Texans D that is mediocre at best. Mario Williams is awesome but their secondary is just so lacking. This should be a shoot out with the Jags prevailing so except a lot of fantasy points to be given out during this contest.

Tennesse V Colts

I just can’t see the Colts laying back and letting the Titans win this one. Manning probably won’t play more than the first half but should still put up very good numbers. I really see the Colts defense shutting down the Titans in this game. I’m still not sold on Vince Young as an elite NFL quarterback (although I love the guy for his 4^th down game winning score against U$C). And the Colts defense, with Bob Sanders in full force, is amazing.

Green Bay v Detroit

Favre should get back in rhythm by beating up the lowly Lions. The season looked so hopeful for the Lions too. In any event, except the Packers to score in the 30’s. Jennings should have a good day…I feel it haha.

Pittsburg V. Baltimore

This could have been a very good game to watch. The Steelers claim to be a dominant team and ready for the playoffs; I really don’t think so. The Ravens are horrible. They lost to the Dolphins and have played just awful this season. But they still have a decent defense and itll be interesting to see the Steelers struggle against them this weekend. Too bad Big Ben and Willie Parker will not be playing. And Najeh Davenport probably will not play too much either since it would be wise to rest the 2^nd stringer when the starter is injured. I predict itll be a low scoring game, very close, possibly with a game winning field goal to win it. Either way, Id start the Steelers defense if I had it.

Minnesota V Denver

One of the three NFC teams fighting for a playoff spot has to flop, but I don’t see it being the Vikings. Purple Jesus is the man, and he is definitely going to try to win the rushing record for this season. He won’t however, but he will have a good game against Denver’s lackluster running defense. As for Denver, Brandon Marshall has been performing decently and will continue to do so. Sadly, no one else on the Broncos will perform well this week.

New Orleans Vs Chicago

It just seems like the Saints, who have been iffy all season, will flop when the pressure is on against the Bears this week. They don’t really have much of a running game and Brees hasn’t been as consistent as one would like him to be. With all that being said, the Saints, who have a very slim chance of making it into the playoffs, will come out fighting; but with sloppy play and a lot of interceptions from Brees, will see themselves out of the playoff hunt. Expect the Bears’ running game to set the tone of the game.

Niners Vs Cleveland

So I blew it last week. I didn’t expect much out of the Niners and I apologize for not showing more bay area love. Well this week…nothing is going to change. The Niners showed life last week, but Cleveland’s offense is just too damn good. Don’t get me wrong, the Niners defense is amazing. As for Patrick Willis, well this quote from a blog I was reading says its all “When Patrick Willis goes to the zoo he doesnt feed the animals, the animals feed Patrick Willis This is Patrick Willis's world, we just live in it.” This game will not be as big of a blowout as I might have once predicted. Willis and the defense will show a solid effort to stop the run and to prevent a lot of the short yardage routes from erupting into big gains. But this Braylon Edwards’ time to shine and he is going to blow up. Look on the bright side Niners’ fans, this way you guys will get an even better draft pick next season.

SD vs Oakland

This will be a good game for Russell fans. I really don’t know what to say about this game; LT won’t play too much if at all but the Chargers have two other running backs that are simply amazing. The JaMarcus should get plenty of opportunities to show his true colors in this game. I really hope the outcome is 24-13 Raiders over Chargers with Russell throwing for all 3 touchdowns. The Raiders and their fans desperately need this.

I'm sure there are other games that I didn’t analyze and if you had a fantasy player on one of those teams…I say start them! I really tried to hit all games where starters could potentially be benched. Anyway good luck and hopefully all of you can join me on the winning end of your respective fantasy leagues.

Just remember, it’s advantageous to play a kicker that is on the same team as your opponents quarterback. And check the rankings; your defense might be good, but if they are playing one of the teams that is desperately fighting to make it into the playoffs, you might wanna opt to start another D.

Good luck.

Angry Marty Episode 2 Continued: Marty's Interview at UCLA

"Hire me!"

Marty Schottenheimer is sitting outside of UCLA Athletic Director Dan Guerrero’s office…

Marty Schottenheimer: Wow, I can’t believe I landed this interview. It was really nice of that lady to set it up for me. I hope this suit is nice enough. All the tailors were closed, so I had to run to Men’s Warehouse for this get up. The service was nice enough, even though I was looking for that “guarantee it” guy with the beard. Better make sure my breath smells okay and...

Receptionist: Mr. Schottenheimer, Mr. Guerrero is ready to see you.

MS: Oh, yes ma’am! I’m on my way.

Marty enters Dan Guerrero’s office…

DG: Morning Marty.

MS: Morning Dan.

DG: Okay, I’m going to cut to the chase. In the past, UCLA used to define football for the Pac-10. We had some of our best teams sent to the Rose Bowl with guys like Aikman, Maddox, and McNown leading our teams to great seasons. I remember when Terry Donahue was leading our team. We had great success with him. However, finding a replacement for him has been rather tough, as last season can tell you.

MS: I see.

DG: That’s why we’re looking for someone with success in their blood. We’re looking for coaches with established winning records. Now, I read over your resume, and it seems to me you have that winning attitude.

MS: You bet your ass I do! As my resume tells you, I coached the Browns, Chiefs, and Chargers to winning seasons.

DG: That’s great to hear.

MS: I also played a part in developing key talent, like Bernie Kosar, Drew Brees, and Shawne Merriman. I guided these guys to use their full potential.

DG: Mmm hmm…

MS: And I haven’t even mentioned my Coach of the Year award that I have won in the past. I can tell you right now sir; I am a wonderful candidate for this position.

DG: That’s all very impressive Marty. Have you won any championships?

MS: Um well…

DG: Well…..what?

MS: Well, technically, I have none. But a lot of those times, it wasn’t my fault. I mean in my stint at Cleveland, I did everything in my power to try and win the game, but that son of a bitch Elway pretty much screwed things up. It definitely wasn’t my fault on that one. C’mon! I was going against John Elway, what did you want me to do, send out a Colorado Marching band to mess him up? It just wasn’t fair what happened.

DG: I see…

MS: And in San Diego, New England Bill probably cheated against me. There was no way that I could have lost that game fairly. I was using Marty Ball for crying out loud. That game plan is indestructible against twenty Bill B’s.

DG: I see…

MS: I mean you got this all wrong Dan! I’m a great coach. I compiled an amazing regular season record.

DG: But your post season…

MS: People change Dan. Maybe UCLA is the fresh start I need! Just give me a chance.

DG: I’m sorry Marty but...

MS: C’mon, Dan! I’m the right guy for the job. I mean I coached Cleveland to a championship game! That’s practically like winning the Super Bowl.

DG: I’m sorry Marty, we’re going in another direction.

MS: What?!?!

DG: Yes. There is another candidate applying for the job, and I’m afraid we’re going with him. Actually, he’s waiting outside. I’ll introduce you. Come in coach!

MS: Son…

DG: This is Borv Turner, cousin of Norv.

MS: …of a bitch.

Borv: Nice to meet you Marty.

MS: Are you serious? This guy?!!? Really?!?! This guy!! How could you pick him? What are his credentials.

DG: Borv is a fine coach. He’s compiled a very impressive 5-79 record coaching for the Division
III-C North Haberbrook Community College in North Carolina. He has that same winning attitude like his cousin, Norv.

MS: What?!!? This guy’s credentials don’t even compare to mine.

DG: Well, this guy is a Turner, and as we all know, Turners are better than Schottenheimers. The door is to the left. It’s been a pleasure meeting you for this interview.

MS: But, but….

DG: Go Marty.

Marty leaves and ponders what just happened in the hallway…

MS: BORV!!!!!!!!!!!

Things We Learned From The Holidays

Kobe > Lebron. Go back to Ohio, son.

So cal is better than nor cal.... in hockey at least. That's only important to Canadians, which pretty much means nothing.

Our new journey man quarterback is better than our old one. Take that Garcia, you and your turtleneck wearing ass.

Yes, we're going to win! I can't believe we beat a ranked team. Finally, we're going to catch a break. Life is so good now...

...fucking shit.

Brook Lopez Had Bad Grades? Impassable!

"I go to Stanford! How can I be dumb?"

Brook Lopez was academically ineligible due to low grades earlier in the season. This is his response:

Yesterday, I played my bestest when we beat Texas Tech. I scored a lot and made 7 out of 11 free throws. That's like 95 percent of my shots. I also had 4 rebounds in the game, all while playing at Texas Tech. That Oklahoma crowd was tough (that's where Texas Tech is located), and that plane ride to Florida (where Oklahoma is located) was pretty tiring. It's okay though, because we went past a time zone, meaning the plane ride was longer. That means I got some extra hours of sleep.

I can't believe they suspended me because of my grades. I'm not dumb. I know all my basic facts. Grades are stupid anyway. Why do we get grades in English? We speak the language, so that's like an automatic A. My grammar is the correctist anyway.

History I'm an all star too. Who's the first president of the United States? Easy, George Washington. Who's the second? Um..., I think it's that guy who's on the twenty dollar bill. What's his name... oh yeah, John Kerry. Who was World War II fought between. Duh, it's called a world war, so that has to mean the whole world. Who wouldn't get that one right?

Science is a piece of cake. Everyone knows that everything in science is because God made it happen. That's why it rains, that's why there is a sun, that's why things fall to the ground. It's all because of good old big G up there.

I got natural skills in math too. Whats the value of pie, you ask? Easy. Pies are round, so that has to mean 100 because a full circle is always 100 percent. How do you reduce the fraction 4/8? You just divide everything by two of course. That means the answer is 4/2/8/2. Give me another math question. I'm number 11, so what would my number be if I multiplied that by 5? Um, 1111111111? That's 11 five times, so that has to be the answer. Man I'm a machine! Give me another! If 5a +1 = 3, what is a? What the hell is this shit? That's definetly a trick question, because 5a is not a number. Nice try, but you can't fool me!

Now I hope you see why I should have not been suspended. I know my shit. Enough said. Those officials who suspended me just aren't very smart.

Charles Barkley Can Trash Oakland All He Wants Because He's Kind of Retarded (But Hilarious!)

Below is a compilation of the best "Inside the NBA" C-Bark clips I could find. I thought the world would enjoy it, so I decided to post this (also I'm too lazy to write anything).



On this clip you'll find:
1) Charles Barkley doing geography
2) Charles Barkley and the Krispy Kreme donut
3) Charles Barkley holds his breath for 9 mins
4) Charles Barkley gets scared
5) Who he play for?

Enjoy!

CSSY Round 1: Barry Bonds vs L.R. Mbah a Moute

"Last bracket of the round."

Whoo, we're finally here, the end of round 1. The last time I presented a fact sheet about the participants, I also presented some pics of cheerleaders to bring in more votes. That format seemed to work well, so here it is again. This week, we'll be featuring the lovely ladies of the San Jose Sabercats. Enjoy!

If you feel like getting stalkery.....(sicko!)


And of course one for the ladies....

This time its #2 Barry Bonds vs #7 Luc Richard Mbah a Moute

Here are their respective articles:
Barry Bonds and the Mitchell Report
Barry Bonds in Prison Break
Barry Bonds and America

Luc Ricard says sorry to UCLA

Real Name: Barry Bonds

TPIC Name: Barry Bonds

Accomplishments This Year:
- home run record

- got an asterisk

- steroid investigation dodging

Pros:
- never tells lies

- can bulk up to amazing levels naturally

- San Francisco loves him

Cons:
- kind of an asshole

- MLB drug tests

- the media

Real Life Quote: "I have a chef who makes sure that I'm getting the right amounts of carbs, proteins and fats throughout the day to keep me at my max performance level. "

TPIC Quote: "Fuck you, America."

Real Name: Luc Richard Mbah a Moute
TPIC Name: Prince LRMAM

Accomplishments This Year:

- made it to the final four

- did well in the Pac-10

Pros:

- versatile

- nice guy

- good teammates

Cons:

- not a pro yet

- Florida

Real Life Quote: "I wish I could do more. I'm going to keep trying to do more to help my team win."

TPIC Quote: "Don't worry my friends, we will dine on roast goose today!"

Why is Marion Barber in the Pro Bowl?

"Awwwwww, C'mon!"

I don’t want to rain on Mr. Barber’s achievement, but I really have no choice. I’ll put it out flat and simple, Marion Barber should not be a Pro Bowler. The running back position itself is like the holy grail of all NFL positions. Okay, sure, the quarterback is the leader and is probably the most important position on the field, but to find a good running back that can last the season without injury or see a drop in production is a pretty hard thing to find these days. The sixteen game NFL season is a grueling one, and unlike those pansy, pussy ass quarterbacks who get knocked out for six weeks because they received a little love tap from a defensive end (I’m looking at you David Carr), the running back has to endure all of it. They take crunch tackles from linemen, blindsided hits from DB’s, and cheap clips from linebackers. They are the work horse of the NFL, a real man’s position.

This brings me back to Marion Barber. Number one, Marion Barber isn’t listed as the starting running back, Julius Jones is. If you want to be a Pro Bowler, a person who is named the best in the NFL, you have to be at least named the best on your team. Number two, he splits carries with Jones. This brings me to my workhorse rant from above. Backs who have to take hit after hit, carry after carry really do earn their paychecks. They take a lot of punishment because the amount of balls they handle. Take a guy like Clinton Portis (who I think should have been a Pro Bowler). He takes about 75 percent of his teams’ carries and still is at the top of his game with almost 1100 yards on the season (200 more than Barber).

Now take Barber who shares the load with Jones. Once in a few downs, he’ll come in (fully rested) and perhaps break off on either a 2 yard run, or a 50 yard run. Some people note that even with so little carries, he has so many yards. Well yeah, if Portis or Edge James came in every down fully charged and ready to go, they’d probably do the same. Now it’s true this is only speculation, but the point is that Barber is not a full carry back, so his stats are rather deceiving. Plus, he gets to be switched out every time he looks a little tired or worn down. That’s not being a real running back, that’s just being lame.

So who is to blame for all of this? Cowboy fans. Marion Barber in the Pro Bowl is the reason why they are America’s teams. The Cowboy fans voted in masses and got their guy in. All I can say is good for them, but bad for the Pro Bowl.

That’s why for the 2008-2009 season, I want California to get its act together and give a big “fuck you” to all the Cowboys fans, and to the NFL in general. When Pro Bowl voting comes around next year, let’s vote in all the “big” California stars and send them to Hawaii. Now I know there aren’t many stars in California other than LT and Shawne Merriman, but that’s the beauty of it. How awesome would it be to see Alex Smith or even Trent Dilfer play in a Pro Bowl? We can send Jerry Porter too! What’s Kevan Barlow up to these days? Working at an Arby’s in Pennsylvania, you say? Well let’s just vote him in too; he was a Niner after all.

Having the likes of these guys, with special guest Ashley Lelie as a punt returner, would send one giant middle finger to the NFL, and particularly to the Cowboy nation. So you want to play dirty and send a guy who kind of deserves to be in the Pro Bowl but shouldn’t? Fine then, we’ll send our guys in so that the 2009 Pro Bowl will be the shittiest all star fest of all time. Take that America’s team!

So remember, next year when the Pro Bowl ballot comes out; just fill in your favorite craptacular players. Hell, maybe we can even write in Jose Cortez as the kicker.

California: do we care about Vick’s future?

Hippies, animal lovers, tree-huggers…California has got them all! And there is nothing wrong with loving animals, with loving the environment, with loving sports, with loving freedom. I mean, California’s got tree-dwellers who refuse to let their Oaks be replaced by a new training center. And to the many fans of Cal football, these tree-dwellers are not only annoying, but they’re preventing the team from maximizing on their potential. Look at it however you like, but I kinda like seeing people devote their time and resources to their causes, even if it bites…



I ask though, in wake of all this sports chaos, how should we, the many different people of CA, react to the sentence given to Michael Vick for dog-fighting? As a matter of fact, how would these tree-dwellers react?

I’m proactive, so I went to the stadium with my set of questions, convinced them I wouldn’t throw anything and that I would not attempt to cut off the ropes that transport the supplies they need in order to survive in the trees.

Here goes:

Me: Hey tree-dweller, hugger..I’m sorry, I don’t know…uh, what would you like for me to address you as?
Tree dweller: You may call me, Squatting Oak.
I think to myself, what the hell is wrong with this guy? And then all of a sudden, I caught myself in the middle of some healing ritual. What the hell was going on?
(five minutes later)
Me: So can we talk now, or is there going to be some other ritual I won’t be warned of?
Squatting Oak: You may speak.
Me: So, I’m not sure if you are aware, but Michael Vick, the (former) Atlanta Falcons quarterback, has been sentenced to 23 months in prison for his gambling ring of dog-fighting. What do you think of this?
Squatting Oak: Vick and his friends are beasts and should be treated like beasts. They should be put in the ring with dogs equal their size, then work out their differences, that’s how this should all be handled!
Me: Isn’t that extreme, inhumane? He’s already going to prison, can’t you sympathize just a bit? I mean, you of all people, staying here to protect and preserve these Oak trees, should understand that history and geography play a huge part in the culture of a city and its people. Shouldn’t we consider factors that the public has overlooked, things we don’t quite understand about where he was raised, in Newport News?
Squatting Oak: Perhaps..
Me: Let me read a bit of the letter that he wrote to his judge. Can I do that?
Squatting Oak: You may…
Me: As stated in his letter to Judge Hudson, “…the past six months have been the most difficult of my life. I’ve lost everything including my freedom. Throughout my life, I’ve never been convicted of a crime other than a traffic violation, so this experience was very overwhelming. Growing up in Newport News, I was exposed to numerous illegal activities and dogfighting was one of them. I never understood why people [were] arrested for guns and drugs, but never for dogfighting. No one really cared or called the police so I grew up not knowing the severity of the crime. Your Honor, I grew up loving animals and still to this day. I have horses, parrots, fish tanks, and lizards [too]. I take full responsibility for my actions and am ashamed that my actions hurt animals and allowed animals to be hurt and killed.

He continues, “I PROMISE that I will never again use a single dollar that I have earned for anything but to help people. This situation has shaped my life in more ways than one…I pray for a second chance to be back with my family, and show the world the real Michael Vick (not the person the media has made me out to be). I plan to be involved in the community and will continue to assist P.E.T.A. in being an advocate against dogfighting and animal cruelty….”

Me: His vision doesn’t seem too blurry anymore. Doesn’t this sound like a man who’s changed?
Squatting Oak: The man makes millions. Someone drafted that letter for him.
Me: Well, obviously, but don’t you think he deserves a second chance? He has the potential to be a strong voice in the animal rights movement.
Squatting Oak: Don’t the trees deserve a second chance? Don’t they deserve to live? People don’t seem to think so, they want to take down these trees for the sake of football. Why is it that football excuses the killing of trees and of dogs?
Me: Uhh…

So then many thoughts came to my head…whose side was I on? Freakin CA, it makes you think about these things…

In the end, I figure, as crazy as Squatting Oak and his friends were, I couldn’t hate them. We’ll just have to wait…the fences didn’t work, suing didn’t work, who knows what will….

With this Vick thing, for many, the idea of him executing dogs in such an unconscionable manner deserves a harsh sentence. I’m sure PETA members would love to put up mistletoes in his jail cell, hell, they’d probably set up some circus surrounding him and use all the proceeds to rescue dogs he otherwise would have bought himself. And they wouldn’t be wrong in doing so. I won’t post pictures of victimized dogs, but I ensure you that it’s not soo pretty.

On the other hand, Vicky’s letter was mighty convincing to me. Minus some grammatical errors and misspellings, I’m a firm believer in his redemption. Give the man a second chance! For those who have a heart, you’d shed a tear when he makes references to the affects this ordeal has had on his children. If you don’t shed a tear, that’s probably why your heartless self reads this blog. Anyhow, on top of the potential 2 years he has to serve, he’s supposedly getting punished by the NFL and not allowed to play for another year.

Ouch.

Daddy Vick can’t protect his kids from the jail cell, so all he can do is flick them off like he does the reporters.



But here’s a lesson from Carlton from “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.”
Me: How do you deal with bullies?
Carlton: Well that’s easy, all you have to do is pay them off!

Blogging Burnout...Want to Help?

"The San Jose State football team is up there because it's pretty depressing too."

I’m starting to feel the burn, and no I don’t mean in my crotch. I mean the burnout of posting. Let’s face it people, blogging can sometimes be a tough task. When I started out this blog, I thought it would be a fun little thing that I would put on the internet and share with the world my inane brand of humor. I thought, hey, if I put up some posts, people will read, read, read, and by no time, I’d be averaging 1,000 hits a day. I mean, if blogs I have never even hear of can average that kind of traffic, why can’t I? I could write something ten times better than those douchebags. (Note: Talent means absolutely nothing when it comes to popularity and fame, just look at Nickelback)

So there I was, excited to enter the world of blogdome. I put in a witty entry about the Cal Bears losing to UCLA and published my first post, thinking it would bring in thousands, if not millions, of readers. Boy was I wrong. Two days later, I discovered I only had twenty hits. Fuckin’ fantastic.

My original plan was to only post a few times a week, but I figured if I wanted more people to read my stuff, I would have to up the ante. Thus, I tried posting twice a day. That was too goddamn exhausting. So, I cut back and only posted once a day. Things were going fine, but it was still pretty tiring. Fortunately, the traffic did seem to go up a bit, slowly, but it was still rising.

Once a day was still a little dough though. I realized I needed some help if I wanted to make my blog successful. I recruited a few of my friends to help out and alleviate some of the pressure. It’s been working okay, but that’s about it, it’s only been okay. U12 and Ms. Auto have graciously been posting once every two weeks, but I’m still feeling the burnout. Even worse is when I have to hound them for articles, and while I’m hounding, my posts decline in quality because I just want to get something out there.

That’s why I need to make a call out once again to my fellow bloggers. In the 2 months of existence, I felt so far that the Play in CA has made some pretty good commentary on the sports world in California. The problem is just maintaining this status. If I post less, I feel that I would have the time and care to put effort to all my posts instead of sprinkling some decent ones here and there. That’s why we need you! For any bloggers who want to help out and input your brand of outrageous humor to this blog, we’re calling for you. It’s not that hard to post once a week, it’s just hard posting every fuckin’ day.

Or maybe I should be like Usher and just let it burn…..

So if you want to help out read below. Please note there are a few ground rules:

1) Your sports topics must cover sports in the area of California or things that are remotely relevant. Once in a while something off topic is okay, considering there are slow periods. Even I myself have failed to follow this rule as sometimes there just isn’t anything to cover in the sports world within California, so just don’t make it a habit.

2) Good grammar is a must. We don’t want our blog too look like it’s written by a bunch of middle school drop outs.

3) Please keep jokes somewhat tasteful. I realize this is an extremely loose rule, but let’s just say dead baby jokes and extreme racism are not cool. Mild forms are! (Just kidding)

4) Include at least one picture in each post. It gives ADD riddled readers something to look at.

5) Be expected to post at least once every week. It’ll give time for the other contributors to recharge if you posts come more often.

So if you think you can bust a move on us, send us a sample article that you think will make us shit in our pants with laughter. Submissions can be sent to kccal31@gmail.com.

Thanks!

Angry Marty Episode 2, Part 1: Marty Looks For a Job

"I'm not so angry here."

Oh boy, the retirement life sure is great! Nothing but relaxation and stress free days for me. Now I have all the time I want to play golf, pick up a guitar, hell, I even visit a museum once in a while. And when I need a little cash, all I have to do is show up on ESPN a few times during the football season to give my two cents about what’s going on in the NFL. It’s like I have a full time job, but I don’t have to work a full time schedule. Plus, I get to be on TV, so Marty S and Marty Ball stays fresh in the minds of NFL coaches and fans a like. I love the way life is going right now!

……………………
……………………
…………………………………who am I kidding, I miss coaching.

Sure, don’t get me wrong, taking it easy is good fun, but it’s nothing compared to the thrills of being the head coach of a football team. Do I get an adrenaline rush from analyzing wussy coaches like Joe Gibbs? Am I on the edge of my seat when I conduct an interview with a tub of lard like Wade Phillips? No.

I’ve been trying everything to satisfy my hunger for excitement, and so far nothing has worked. Sky diving, skiing, jujitsu; all of those things have failed to put me to the test. I even tried playing Guitar Hero, but Guitar Hero is no substitute for preparing men for battle (though I can play a mean “Beast and the Harlot” on expert mode).

Sadly, Marty Schottenheimer is not ready to leave the grid iron just yet. But what am I to do? I really wish the Chargers would suck right now so I can get my old job back, but all of a sudden, Norv Turner starts winning some games. I don’t get it. So you couldn’t put up a winning record in Oakland or Washington, but all of a sudden, NOW you decide to win? Great timing, asshole.

Oh woe is Marty S, where can I get back into the action?

Logs on to ESPN.com

What’s this? UCLA still hasn’t found a head coach for the next season? Why, I’ll be darned, there is a god after all! It’s like a gift from heaven. When I need to coach again, an opportunity like this jus springs up. Amazing!

Hmm…, college is a different game though. No sudden death OT’s, no contracts, no logical system to determine a national champion. It’ll be a big difference from the NFL. But there is one thing that is different in college football which will definitely help me out, NO PLAYOFFS! Yes, yes, and triple yes. I am going to be a college football king.

What am I doing though, lolly gagging around while there are probably hundreds of people applying right as I speak! Get in the game Marty! It’s the fourth quarter, you have the ball on the 20 yard line, down by a touchdown, with only two minutes left! You have to run, run (if needed), and then pass! That’s how you win, the Marty Ball way. Go out there, pick up that phone, and make the call. You can do it! I believe in you Marty!

Picks up the phone and makes a phone call.

Hello.

Hi, is this the UCLA athletic department?

Yes, who is this?

This is Marty Schottenheimer.

………. is this a joke?

A joke? Do I sound like I joke when the game is on the line with two minutes left?

What??

Never mind. This really is Coach Marty though.

Um… ok, well what can I help you with?

I would like to apply for the vacant head coach position.

Aren’t you already the coach of a team? I think the Giants.

No, that’s Tom Coughlin.

Oh, you guys look a like.

No we don’t!

Well you two are as old as fossils.

Puts his mouth away from the phone.

That bitch.

Puts the phone back to his mouth.

So can I apply or not?

I’ll consult my manager, and we’ll give you a call within the next few days to set up an interview.

Really?? That’s great!

Yes. Expect a call in the next few days.

Okay!

Coming up, part 2….

CSSY Round 1: Marty Schottenheimer vs SJ Sharkie

"We need more people to vote."

The last round saw a bit of a slide in action as the vote count was low. I guess neither coach in the battle of the coaches drew much attention. Sigh. Thus, I decided to do something that would draw in more voters to our little poll. At first I tried to think of what would attract people to vote. A give away of some sort? Fan commentary? Pizza? While all these ideas were valid ideas, I decided to fall back on a steady rock that has often brought in several web surfers to the website…. cheerleaders. What can I say? No really, what can I say, because quite frankly, this isn’t much of a surprise. This time we’re featuring the Raiderettes, so here you go, you closeted perverts.

And one for the ladies...

With that said, here are your contestants for this round: Marty Schottenheimer vs SJ Sharkie. Remember to vote!

#3 Marty Schottenheimer vs #6 SJ Sharkie

Here are their respective articles:
Marty and Norv

Sharkie and reading

Real Name: Marty Schottenheimer
TPIC Name: Angry Marty

Accomplishments This Year:
- coached Chargers to a franchise best 14-2 season
- got number 1 seed in AFC playoffs
- actually got Philip Rivers to play well
- got fired

Pros:
- unlimited rage
- Marty Ball
- wins games during the seasons

Cons:
- playoffs
- Marty Ball
- skeptics

Real Life Quote:
"We won the first game of a nine-game season. Those other eight are gone."

TPIC Quote:
"Norv Turner isn’t even cool. I’m cool. I’m so cool that Eminem even referenced me in one of his songs. Have any rappers referenced Norv in their rhymes? I think not! Not like Norv rhymes with anything anyway. You know what Marty rhymes with? Party. I could even make my name more urban, like Mar-Tay. It would still rhyme with Par-Tay. Man I am a genius, on and off the field!"

Real Name: SJ Sharkie
TPIC Name: Skarkieton Jr. Sharkie

Accomplishments This Year:
- coolest mascot in the NHL
- delivered pizza
- was honored by a marine

Pros:
- he's shark that can skate
- teeth
- only shark in the world with arms and legs

Cons:
- fishermen
- Richard Dreyfuss
- land

Real Life Quote:
"(insert shark noise here)"

TPIC Quote:
"Remember to read kids.....or I'll bite your mother f--king head off!!!!!"

Goodbye Dan Haren!

"Pretty cool huh?"

As some of you may or may not know, Dan Haren was traded from the A's to the Arizona Diamondbacks. Dan played with the Oakland A's from 2005-2007. Dan is best known for his break out 2007 year with the Oakland A's, where he was a candidate for the Cy Young award. Here is a small bio of Dan to honor his departure.

Dan Haren was born in Monterey Park, CA (outside of Los Angeles) on September 17, 1980. He attended Bishop Amat High School and was a standout at Pepperdine University on a baseball scholarship. He was teammates with Noah Lowry, another standout who now plays in the bay as well (for the Giants). After college, he was drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals. As a prospect, he was known for his fastball and slide. While at St. Louis, he first struggled with a 5.08 ERA, thus he was sent to Memphis for development. After 2004, he was traded to the Oakland A's for Mark Mulder, one of the best pitchers in the AL at the time.

Even though Mark was gone, Dan quickly filled the void. He posted an impressive 14-12 record and 3.73 ERA. Coincidently, when Haren joined the A's, him and Lowry lived in the same apartment building in South San Francisco.

2007 was a great year for Dan. He finished top ten in Al wins and posted a 3.07 ERA. Things look promising for Dan as he heads to the Diamondbacks.


So good luck to you Dan, and enjoy Arizona. It's going to be hard to have fun though, since you are in Arizona.

We wish you well!

(If you come back to beat the A's though, then screw you, you asshole.)

For All You Fantasy Football Players Heading Into Playoffs Week...

"Fantasy Football."

Albeit two weeks to go before the actual regular season ends, many fantasy leagues begin their playoffs this week. Hopefully a lot of you are in my boat and are hoping for a strong outing the next two weeks, resulting in a hefty payout just in time for Christmas. And hopefully, none of you are facing some of the grave dilemmas I am this week…like whether to start Wes Welker or Laveranues Coles, or Nick Kaeding, Josh Scobee, Ryan Longwell.

For anyone who is…I offer my prediction on the games ahead this week as well as some fantasy starts and sits.

Seattle vs. Carolina
Probably the most underrated team in the NFC, the Seahawks walk into Carolina on a 5 game winning streak and will most likely make it 6. Carolina’s offense is in shambles, which is rather depressing for anyone who drafted Steve Smith in the first 2 rounds. Yet again, Smith will have an average receiving day; 60 yards with a low potential for scoring. You would have to be crazy to start a Carolina quarterback considering Vinny Testaverde is the leading tosser at the moment and Matt Moore is likely to start. As for Seattle, even with the possibility of lingering injuries, Matt Hasselbeck should have a field day against a decent Carolina defense that sadly spends too much time out on the field to put up a good fight. Shaun Alexander has been a complete bust this season, but Bobby Engram might be having the best season his old ass can probably remember. Look for him to have a solid performance.

Cincinnati vs. San Francisco
Truth be told, the hyphy movement has never crossed the bridge over to San Francisco. No excitement, no energy, no 13th member of the defense will be present as the 49ers will likely bend over yet again to another lackluster team. Carson Palmer has probably sent of his owners so low as to thinking of potentially killing him. Rudi Johnson fans probably feel the same way; as a potential top 10 running back going in to the season is being overshadowed by his own teammate Kenny Watson. Hell, Chad Johnson owners are probably feeling the same way too. Except that with Chad Johnson owners, they are probably directing their anger towards T.J. Houshmandzadeh. Yet, on Sunday, when the Niners and Bengals play, it will be all Cincinnati. Palmer will break out of his slump (or so Id like to believe), and air it out, providing a ton of fantasy points to Johnson and Houshmandzadeh. Inspite of the touchdown disparity I actually think Chad Johnson, being more of a deep threat, will be the one walking off the field with a touchdown or two under his belt, not Houshmandzadeh.

Green Bay vs. St. Louis
In what appears to be the game that will send to me my misery as my opponent has Brett Favre and Tory Holt; I sadly predict this one to be a shootout. Green Bay is locked in for the playoffs and the Rams are locked in for a top 5 pick next season. But, Marc Bulger is back, and that is good news for Tory Holt owners. Except the whole Rams offense, including the ground attack, to get a nice healthy shot of anabolic steroids to the chest this week. Steven Jackson, albeit not the stats he put up last year, is actually having a pretty decent season. Except him to break out of the ‘below 100 yard rushing’ slump. On the other side of the field, expect Brett Favre to put up magnificent numbers as well . The ageless wonder only flopped once against a very eager to play Dallas (yeahh baby!) defense, and it most likely won’t happen again against the Rams. All of your favorite Packer heros will be performing normally this week; Grant should be in for a score or two, Driver should receive for over the century mark, and don’t be surprised if Greg Jennings brings in another 50 yard touchdown reception this week.

Buffalo at Cleveland
I would give a regular synopsis on this but I still have finals and honestly this game isn’t even going to be a contest. I know that’s ballsy to say that considering Buffalo is only 1 loss behind the Browns, but these are two very different teams. The Browns offense is amazing. Derek Anderson has been one of the biggest surprises of the season (I wonder how many of you actually drafted the guy in the top 10 rounds ). Jamal Lewis has probably forgotten he ever played for the Ravens. And Braylon Edwards,wow. My prediction: Anderson goes for 300 passing yards, Edwards with 150 and 2 tds, and Jamal with a TD of his own. However, I don’t see Kellen Winslow having a good game. He is the one major offensive threat I see the Bills shutting down (if that’s any consolation for you Bills fans out there)

Tennessee vs KC
Sorry KC Cal, theres no fantasy implication here. Tony G wont score. Vince Young is whatever. I don’t really like Lendale White he went to USC and the fact that he is fat and rushing in the NFL amazes me. Kolby Smith is the only bright spot in this game as the young prospect has definite potential.

Baltimore vs Miami
The only fantasy implication in this game as well is the Baltimore defense, which I am playing. Balitmore’s defense is still excellent; even though Deuce McAllister is not playing. Ray Lewis is old but hes still better then half the linebackers in the league. Miami flat out sucks. Yet, I sadly see Miami winning 13-10 this weekend so you saw it here first if I am right. If anyone is bored enough to watch this game at a bar or something, pay attention to the Miami running game; its actually not that bad.

Jets vs Pats
Jets fans should rejoice. The snow and the disasterous weather is making all of those fantasy owners of Randy Moss, Wes Welker (whom I have both) and Tom Brady cringe. The weather will certainly have a huge affect on the overall score; except to see average to mediocre stats from Brady and Moss. However, Welker, whom I consider the best WHITE wider receiver in the NFL takes the beatings and short routes. He will see plenty of passes thrown his way as Randy Moss will be unable to go deep and the running game will be locked down by the Jets’ front 8. Pats still win and stay undefeated.

Arizona vs New Orleans
I don’t know if you can call this an upset or not; but Arizona should wipe out New Orleans this weekend. Brees is just not that good, and without a running game he is even worse. Kurt Warner loves to throw the ball and with Boldin and Fitzgerald facing a very very poor Saints secondary; I see Warner throwing for 300+ yards and 3 or 4 touchdowns. Edge James however will suck. And that sucks for me. But its true, he will.

Jags vs Steelers
This is the best game to watch this weekend as both teams are fighting for playoff positions. Fred Taylor thrives against the Steelers for some odd reason and has been playing very well lately; except him to hae over 100 yards yet again. HOWEVER, expect the Steelers, behind the arm of Ben Roethlisberger and the hands of Hines Ward, to win this game.

Indy vs Oakland
Manning Addai and Wayne all have big games. The Raiders suck. But JaMarcus Russell gets some snaps so that’ll be interesting to watch.

Philly vs Dallas
I will be at O’Hara’s, formerly known as Maloneys, in Westwood, with a #81 jersey on screaming my head off at 1:15 PST in case anyone cares haha. The Cowboys got awfully lucky last week but luck won’t hold up against an Eagles team that hates the Owens and the Cowboys. Owens blew up against the Eagles in Philadelphia earlier this season. However, Romo blows up every weekend. I hate predicting Dallas games so Ill only say IF Dallas wins, itll be yet again because of Romo throwing the ball to his array of talented receivers. Sam Hurd and Patrick Crayton will be the big names, however, and not Owens. If the Eagles win, it will all be because of the only two things that give the Eagles a chance to win every weekend; their defense and Brian Westbrook. I am sorry but Mcnabb is done; hes old, injured, and his commercials were never funny. Westbrook albeit just as old, is amazingly consistent. And since the Cowboys cannot seem to handle the run, it appears Westbrook is gonna have another solid game.

And since im running out of time now….

San Diego is BACK! Now that LT is getting more then 20 carries a game, look for the Chargers to explode against a dying Lions team.

The Giants, lead by one Nguyen Tran, would have a better chance of winning than with Eli Manning. The Redskins, paying respect to their fallen friend and teammate, will rise defensively to shut down Manning’s impotent offense. Oh and Santana Moss will have a breakout game. (My shocker of the week). Clinton Portis won’t break the century mark but will have a touchdown.

Atlanta vs Tampa Bay will be fun to watch to see how angry the Falcons are with their coach quitting on them. Nevertheless, the two most underrated receivers in the NFL, Joey Galloway and Roddy White, will both play excellent this week, with Galloway playing just enough better to win the match.

And Chicago sucks. So +1 for the Vikes.

Barry Bonds, Mitchell Report, Yeah, Ahh Nuts

"I want to settle some facts, OK?"

Barry Bonds: Hey America. I want to thank you for all the support I've received. The last few days have been tough, but I think it's pretty clear now that I am 100 percent inno-.....

Mysterious voice: Why hello Barry.

In walks George Mitchell...

George Mitchell: How are you doing today?

BB: Ahh shit...

GM: So I've been hearing that you've been declaring your innocence. Very cute. Unfortunately, I have this...


BB: Ahh, crap.

GM: That's right Mr. Bonds, you have to admit it now. We have substantial evidence against you.

GM: What's wrong Mr. Bonds, got nothing to say?

BB: No it's not that, its just................... I GOTTA GO, SEE YA!

Bonds starts running away.

GM: STOP HIM!!!!

Padres player appears out of nowhere.

Padres player: I GOT HIM!!

Padres player: OWWW!!!!

GM: You moron, he's getting away...

BB: You'll never catch me alive!!

End scene.

The CSSY Award Round 1: Jim Harbaugh vs Don Nelson

"Shameless vs Sober-less"

After popular demand, Don Nelson has been bumped up a seed. That means now he's number 5 and SJ Sharkie is number 6. If you're unfamiliar with the CSSY, just look to the left, and vote of course!

Normally before each showdown I would have a smart little paragraph or two discussing basically anything I want to discuss. However, I feel that a quip about fantasy sports or Jessica Alba's pregnancy would undermine the orgasmic clash of these two minds. So without further ado...

First round match up: 4) Jim Harbaugh vs. 5) Don Nelson


Here are their respective articles:

Jim Harbaugh gets ready for Washington
Jim Harbaugh chats about Stanford's victory over Cal

Don Nelson, the interview

Real Name: Jim Harbaugh
TPIC Name: Captain Mother Fuckin' Comeback

Accomplishments This Year:
- declared USC the greatest team in college football history
- beat USC
- beat Cal
- impregnated several cougars in Palo Alto

Pros:
- high fives
- comeback potential
- chiseled jaw

Cons:
- teams other than USC and Cal
- suffers from "The Todd" Syndrome
- cougar STD's

Real Life Quote:
"I know we're going to have a big challenge to do better than what we did last year, but I feel we have the team to do that. We want to win with numbing repetition."

TPIC Quote:
"Old Jimmy here is gonna bust out his bedroom playbook on some million dollar ladies. Then in mid – August, I’ll start preparing myself for the next season."

Real Name: Don Nelson
TPIC Name: General Amstel Light

Accomplishments This Year:
- lead Warriors to upset the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA playoffs
- after a weak start, got the Warrior back on track for the 2007-2008 season
- confused reporters around the world with his slurred speech

Pros:
- basketball genius
- gets along with players
- not Mike Montgomery

Cons:
- hard to understand
- often mistaken as John Madden's son
- no more J-Rich!

Real Life Quote:
"We wanted to say Michael [Finley] was a superstar, but he really wasn't."

TPIC Quote:
"…(grumble)… …(grumble)… …(grumble)… I believe …(grumble)…"

Shawne Merriman is Gonna Get You Jeff Fisher!

"Ain't no one safe!"

Jeff Fisher, you’ve made a new enemy! That little sky blue and blue shirt you wear to every game? It might as well be painted red and white, because there be a bulls eye on yo’ chest, bitch! That’s right fool, you order a hit on me, and I’m gonna hit you back! No one tries to put lights out on lights out himself! I’m gonna bulldoze you over like the stampede of wildebeest did on Mufasa’s ass. BOOM BITCH!

You probably think you’re safe, huh Jeff, since we already played you and you don’t have to see SM’s face no more. Wrong bitch! The thing you don’t know is that Shawne Merriman is everywhere. You ain’t safe, on or off the football field.

One day, you may think that it’s just going to be a normal Saturday, when you’re out shopping with your wife. You go to the frozen section to get some mint chocolate chip ice cream, then out of no where….BOOM BITCH!

Shawne Merriman just knocked yo’ ass down!

Or maybe you’re out on the golf course with a few of your buddies. You position yourself and get ready to swing, then….. SHAZZAM! Down you go! I just drove your ass down like a mutha fuckin’ nine iron. I’ll give you more headaches than Pacman Jones!

Oh, so you say you’ll just get Albert Haynesworth to protect you.

Pssht, that guy ain’t gonna protect shit! He only stomps on people’s heads, I take them off. I'm Shawne Merriman foo! Whatcha gonna do now, Jeff? Ain’t no one gonna protect you from me!

I just pumped my ass with steroids yesterday. When I take you out, it’ll be full force. It’ll be like using a tank to demolish a hot dog stand. It’s gonna hurt, fool!

So you better watch yo back, Jeff Fisher, because Shawne Merriman will be hiding in the corner.

BOOM BITCH!

Shaun Livingston Solves His Injury Woes

"You REALLY don't want to see what's under that happy face."

Boy, it's been a pretty busy weekend in sports in California. The Chargers won a squeaker over the Titans in a game where Philip Rivers actually played well and showed a lot of toughness. Yeah, you're reading that sentence right. We're actually complementing Philip Rivers. Even though he is kind of a jerk, we still have to give him a cheer for yesterday's performance. Does that mean all the Philip Rivers bashing will stop? Yes, and by yes, I actually mean no. (Think about that one for a while).

The Kings (hockey version) and Ducks also both lost this weekend to the Coyotes and Predators respectively. The Sharks on the other hand got their asses completely handed to them by the Sabres (tsk, tsk). Guess SJ Sharkie is going to have to make some threats to the players now instead of the kids.

Lastly, all of California's basketball teams faced off over the weekend. The Kings and Clips played on Friday while the Warriors headed down to so cal to take on the Lakers. Normally, the Warriors and Lakers match would probably get extensive coverage on this blog, and it will... just not today. Contributor u12 was on hand during the game and will be writing up a report that will be coming out later in the week (god I hope he doesn't flake).

That's why instead, we'll focus today's post on that other LA team, the Clippers. It must suck to be a Clippers fan. While the Lakers have cool celebrities like Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Macguire watching their games, the Clippers have that Malcom in the Middle guy sporting their gear. Yes sir, Frankie Muniz really does make me want to go check out the Clippers. He also makes me want to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge while simultaneously punching myself in the nuts on the way down. I think you get the idea.

Being on the Clippers must be much worse. Well okay, probably not considering you're making millions of dollars while living it up in Los Angeles. However, for one Clipper, life has to hurt a little. Actually, it must hurt a lot, physically I mean. Who am I talking about, you ask? Well none other than Shaun Livingston! The poor guy seems to get injured every season he plays. If he could make it through the NBA season until the All Star Game, he should get an automatic vote in.

Yet, I have to ask myself, why does he always get injured? Is he playing too hard? Can his muscles not take the stress? Did someone put a hit on him?

My answer is simple enough: weak bones. Maybe he didn't get enough milk, or maybe he's just unlucky, but someone must do something about his fractured legs and busted knee caps. Physical therapy may help, or even a new kind of knee brace. All of these solutions though have not really produced results though, as Shaun still seems to have a hard time with injuries.

My solution though is fool proof. Some one could chop off his right foot, and he still could play if my plan came to fruition. What is it? Well, I have two words for you: robot legs.

Now before you click that close button, take a look at what I have to show you. Artificial body parts have helped humans for years. Artificial hearts, limbs, hair, and other things have put hope into people who perhaps lost an arm or heart in a freak gardening accident (only Spinal Tap fans will get that reference). So why can't they help Shaun Livingston? Think this idea is stupid? Well I think you're stupid, asshole. (Once again, please do not close your web browser).

Below is a picture of what scientists are doing to help people rehabilitate from leg injuries. It’s completely motorized, and I think the backpack looking thing is some kind of power source, or a backpack.

Although this would strengthen Shaun’s legs a great amount, it’s not very practical. Besides, we’re trying to think of ways to prevent Shaun’s injuries. Instead, this looks like it would just help him recover from them. I’m sure Shaun would draw tons of fouls with that big clunky thing on his back. It would probably be great for boxing out, though.

Now here is a set of robot legs! Imagine the kind of speed that Shaun can pick up with four legs. Plus, I imagine he’ll get incredible hangtime with the kind of power these bad boys have to offer. Even better, if Shaun injures one of them, he still has three left to spare. The only problem is tripping fouls.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking. Wouldn’t robot legs look ridiculous on Shaun Livingston? Well…

… does that look ridiculous to you??

NOTE: Joking aside, we wish Shaun the best!

The California Sportsman(or Shark) of the Year Award - Round 1: Philip Rivers vs Kyle Boller

"God help us all."

It seems to me that at the end of every year every single sports and television station airs some kind of countdown of the past year. Some of them are actually pretty useful (top ten plays of the year, top ten songs of the year); others aren’t (VH1’s top reality moments of the year, the BCS rankings). I mean really, do I want to remember how Tango flipped out on New York, or be constantly reminded that there should be a playoff in college sports so we’re not stuck with horrendous match ups in the title game? I personally would like to see USC vs. Hawaii play somewhere at one point, but it ain’t gonna happen because of assholes like Stewart Mandel telling me other wise.

The end of the year also marks a time when people decide who was the best of the year. Unfortunately, a lot of the “bests” of the year are pretty lame, having a great amount of ball licking for people who don’t necessarily deserve it. For example, Brett Favre was chosen as Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year. Yeah, I guess that’s a good choice, if you like quarterbacks who choke in big games like Dallas because they decide that throwing into triple coverage is a great idea. Fantastic.

The one commendable “of the year” award that I enjoy is Deadspin’s SHOTY Award (Sports Human of the Year). They usually nominate the people who REALLY deserve it. That’s why Barbaro won it last year, even though he is not a human. Classic.

I figured since no one else has created an award of this sort for California sports figures, TPIC will do it then. So, I present to you The California Sportsman (or Shark) of the Year Award, or the CSSY Award. Unfortunately, I could not make a creative acronym like Deadspin did. I suck.

In our month and a half of existence, we here at The Play in CA have created a lot of memorable characters. There has been Philip Rivers the douchebag, Angry Marty Schottenheimer, and many others. That’s why we felt it was necessary that one of these characters should be candidates for the CSSY. It’s what Jesus would do.

Here’s how the contest works:

Every 4 days, a new match up will appear on the poll of the day. Match ups will be chosen via our bracket from above. Each time a new match up is introduced, there will be a post introducing the half week’s combatants. The winner, via the poll, will then move on to the next round, until there is one glorious champion.

Remember, these candidates are chosen solely on their contributions to the articles presented by TPIC, so don’t email me any complaints!

But what does the champion get? Well, they get to be our mascot for a whole half year, until the next sports legend gets their shot at glory. (The contest will be run every six months). A small section will be listed under contributors to mark their status as California sports legends. We may even have a hall of fame, if we last that long that is. So now that the rules are set, let’s get ready to rumble!

First round match up: 1) Philip Rivers vs. 8) Kyle Boller


Here are their respective articles:

Philip Rivers Douche of the Week

Kyle Boller throws football 2 feet
Kyle Boller loses to New England


Real Name: Philip Rivers
TPIC Name: Philip Rivers the Great Douche

Accomplishments This Year:
- lead Chargers to a 7-5 season thus far
- lost AFC Divisional Playoff Game to the Patriots
- told fans to "shut up"
- showed people he is a giant douche

Pros:
- confidence
- emotion
- handing the ball to LT
- Marty Schottenheimer

Cons:
- throwing passes
- NFL defensive backs
- Norv Turner

Real Life Quote:
"Again, it's an emotional game. To be honest with you, I love the fans."

TPIC Quote:
"Vote for me, or else I'll start throwing more passes!"


Real Name: Kyle Boller
TPIC Name: Kyle Boller, the Hunchback of Notre Dame

Accomplishments This Year:
- almost beat the Patriots
- um...
- hm...
- yeah...

Pros:
- learns from Steve McNair
- is a pro QB, that counts, right?

Cons:
- see Philip Rivers's cons
- doesn't play in California, so technically not a California sportsman
- is a quarterback

Real Life Quote:
“It's tough, but you know, you've got to turn those boos into cheers. I have another opportunity to use this preseason game to go out there and make our offense be productive. Hopefully when we come back here next week, there will be cheers instead of boos.”

TPIC Quote:
"SANCTUARY!!!"

There you have it, so go out and vote!

Surprise of the Century: Barry Bonds Says He's Not Guilty

Hey America,

Lately, people have been coming up with the notion that it’s a great idea to make fun of old Barry Bonds here. They think that just because I MIGHT HAVE juiced up, they can say pretty much anything they want about BB. Here are some examples:

That last one wasn’t even funny. It was just a normal picture of the Hulk. C’mon, be creative at least.

How many times do I have to say it people. I am innocent about everything, the steroids, the lying to court, and the obstruction charges. I even went in front of the US District Court to plead my innocence. What else do you want from me?

You think I’m lying again, huh? Even as you read this cushy little article, you think that I’m lying to you right now. Well you know what? Fine. Believe what you want to believe. Since we’re playing the game of “deciding if Barry Bonds is telling the truth, how about I throw some more mind numbing facts at you and you can tell me if you think it’s a lie.

- I can hit a ball over 3 miles long.

- I can bench press over 600 lbs..... with my finger.

- If I wasn't a baseball player, I would be an interior designer.

- I think Joe Buck is hot.

- Even though I play in San Francisco, I act like I have the street cred of someone from Oakland.

- I sweat diamonds.

- I live a secret life of a battle rapper known as MC McCovey.

- I read The Play in CA religiously.

- I own the world's only hoverboard.

- My farts are repackaged as AXE Body Spray.

And only one of those statements is a lie.

So there you go America, I am innocent and I tell the truth. Now if you excuse me, I have a training session with Yoda to go to.

Extreme Ironing: History and Pictures

"Don't get shocked!"

You wanted it, so we deliver. Judging from the poll of the week, it seems like California has found its next greatest sport: extreme ironing! I had no idea so many Californians were way into EI-ing (and by “so many Californians” I do mean all eight of you who voted). What about the few of you who wanted basketball coverage? Pansies! Oh you want more hockey? Well you can suck it. There’s a new sport in town, and it involves a wrinkled shirt and a good ironing board.

But what is extreme ironing you ask? Well first of all, if you don’t know what EI-ing is, then you’re a loser. Worry not, my friend, your cool factor will instantly sky rocket after you become educated in this fine sport.

Extreme ironing first started in 1997. It was a simple time, before Fred Durst and Limp Bizkit destroyed a generation at Woodstock ’99 and when Ace of Base were churning out hits left and right. Phil Shaw was just a normal dude who worked a menial job at the knitware factory in Leicester, England. Life was mundane for Mr. Shaw. Everyday was the same schedule for him. He’d go to work, eat, and sleep.

The one thing that did keep Phil Shaw invigorated was rock climbing. He loved the sport! So one day, Mr. Shaw was going out for an evening of climbing rocks when suddenly realized he had ironing to do. “Shoot!” He thought. What was he going to do? He couldn’t leave his clothes wrinkled.

Then it hit him! Why not combine the two? It would be killing to birds with one stone. Thus, Mr. Shaw grabbed his gear (and his iron) and set off to the mountains. That’s how extreme ironing was born.

Really, we’re not shitting you, that’s how it was born.

So now that you know the history, the next step is to do it! “But how do I start?” You may ask. Well, just grab an ironing board and start climbing. Duh!

(We are not responsible for any injury you may endure during your extreme ironing session)

Then, you can master the art of ironing extreme style….. like these guys:

It's how Spiderman gets his ironing done.

Guess he has a water proof iron. I realize how obvious that statement is.

It's just a method to get those hard to get rid of wrinkles out.

(Michael) Jackson State Loses in California: 117 - 74

"If only Jackson State had the pleasure of seeing this...instead of being beat by the team..."

Leave it to KC Cal to tell you that a team sucks. Not Ms. Automatic.

So the final score tonight was 117-74. Damn, more than 40 points….damn!
The game was cool; we saw solid performances. Halftime with 6th grade kids from St. Bonavere, or wherever it was, was awesome! I’m thinking I want to be this one kid’s sports agent when he grows up to be a star!!

Anyhow, after going to the game, my question is this: where’s the energy?!?!!??
Not from the players. I’m talking the FANS!
I understand that the football stadium and basketball arena are two entirely different atmospheres for fans. Football-goers tend to tail-gate and/or get super smashed beforehand. Then they get belligerent, violent, and start doing crazy things. Soon you find yourself just as interested in those fans as you are in the actual game!!
That’s what I’m talking about. Shit-talking. Fun. Games.

In any case:

Dear Fans,

As an avid sports fan, I plead with you to: TAKE ACTION, get more involved in the games, EVEN if it means slipping some whiskey in your coca cola plastic cups! Take action, dammit!!

Sincerely,
Ms. Automatic


P.S. Don’t be shy to make some signs! I saw one sign out there. Come on people, show some spirit, or some SUPPORT!!

My ‘MVP’ of the game is Patrick Christopher. The goofy guy deserves a little recognition, scoring 26 points, which included a pretty nice dunk.

SJ Sharkie Reminds You to Read...Or Else

"Remember to read kids.....or I'll bite your mother f--king head off!!!!!"

NOTE: Today's post is inspired by this program set up by the San Jose Sharks: http://www.sjsharkie.com/reading/

Howdy ho kids! It’s me, it’s me, your favorite hockey mascot, SJ Sharkie! How are all of you today?

You know kids, SJ Sharkie loves lots of things. He loves to swim, skate, shoot hockey pucks, and especially loves to hug! But you know what SJ Sharkie loves the most? He loves to read! There’s nothing better to me than curling up to a cozy fire with nothing but a good novel to read. Yup, yup. It might take lots of brawn in order to be a great hockey player, but it also takes plenty of brains too. And the only way you can develop those brains is with a good book. Reading is fun!

So what do you say kids? Are you ready to start an adventure and hop on the express train to the reading zone? What’s that you say? You’d rather play on your Nintendo Wii? You have iTunes songs to download? Your skateboard is calling you?

You mean you don’t want to join your pal SJ Sharkie for story time? Well guess what kids, if you don’t want to read then………………….

…………..I’M GOING TO BITE YOUR HEAD OFF!

You think SJ Sharkie is just one big, silly mascot that is going to take crap and roll over like a big, damn, pushover? Well, guess what sport, you are fucking wrong. SJ Sharkie isn’t always that fun, cheery mascot all the time. No. SJ Sharkie can sometimes be one cruel asshole, especially when you refuse an offer to read with him!

Let’s make this real simple kids. Reading is a necessary tool that you will need later on in the future. It can help you get into college, earn you a degree, and is the key element to starting a great career. Without reading, you won’t be able to get any of these things. Also, as far as I am concerned, without reading, you won’t be able to do pull ups either, because if you don’t read, your arms will be looking mighty tasty to me. There’s nothing tastier than teaching kids the importance of reading.

Oh, so you think I’m joking kids? You say that a cute, cuddly mascot like myself could never be capable of doing such things? Well, sorry to disappoint all you youngsters out there, but I have to remind you, I’m a mother fuckin’ shark. You’ve heard of us right? Sharks. The villains of the seas. The blood thirsty creatures that eat pretty much everything. Yeah, I’m one of them, and if you don’t comply to the rules of Sharkie’s house of pain, you’ll be next.

Have you even seen that movie, Deep Blue Sea? People always bring up that clip where Samuel L. Jackson got eaten by the shark. Kids, do you know why Mr. Jackson got swallowed by one of my kind? No, it wasn’t because the sharks were super mutated. It wasn’t because Mr. Jackson was too close to the water. It was because Mr. Jackson didn’t like to read!

I remember a while back, there was this kid, Billy. He was a good kid, and he loved the Sharks. Once in a while, he and his friends would play street hockey at the elementary school. Then one day, Billy had the fantastic opportunity to meet yours truly in the flesh. After a few phone calls, Billy’s day came as he and I was scheduled for a meet and greet. Billy was a nice kid, and he told me all about the Sharks and his pick up hockey games. I figured a good kid like this would probably like a good book as a gift, so I handed him a copy of The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton. I could hardly contain how excited I was for him. Things didn’t go as I expected, though. You know what that ungrateful little twat did? He told me, “sorry Sharkie, I don’t really read that much”, and handed it back to me. How dare he! HOW DARE HE!!!! No one turns down a personal offer from Sharkie, no one!

So what happened to Billy? Let’s just say, after that meeting, he wasn’t a Sharks fan anymore. After all, it’s hard to stand up and cheer when you have a foot missing.

Now you don’t want to be like Billy, do you?

So remember kids the value of a good book. Start today! Open your favorite novel to enter the magical world that reading opens up, because if you don’t, I’ll be watching.

Kyle Boller Almost Beat the Patriots, Keyword Almost

"One day...one day...."

Kyle Boller is sitting at a bell tower in Baltimore.

Damnit. This close. THIS CLOSE. I was just two yards away from becoming a legend killer, just like my hero Randy Orton. For years, centuries, even millennia, you would know the name Boller. You would know the man who was able to stop the tyranny of the New England Patriots. They would erect statues of me for years to come, celebrating my Bollerocity. All of the fairest ladies in Baltimore and Cal would literally throw themselves at me. I could have been a legend.

But no, fate is never kind to number #7. Instead of a retirement filled with driving Ferraris and kissing new born babies, I am stuck with this roll as the interim quarterback, forever…. FOREVER!!!!

In my darker moments, I have often asked god why was I cursed to this life. At Cal, I had the divine gift. I could read defenses like a Dr. Suess novel, which is really all I can read anyway. I could throw balls full football lengths. I could kill a man with one swift throw to the head. I could even cure cancer with a simple flex of my throwing arm.

On the day of the draft, I was hoping I would be sent to a city where I could use my arm for good and not evil. San Francisco, New York, even Miami, any city where the people would appreciate my awesome superpowers.

Before the draft, I was a holy man. I believed in God and was sure that all my good deeds in college would be rewarded handsomely by getting drafted to one of those cities. After all, in college, I literally turned the Cal Bear nation into believers. Rodgers, you ask? Bah, he couldn’t throw as far as me. Tedford, you say? Pssht, Tedford didn’t make me, I made him. After me, the Cal Bear nation had faith once again. I did no wrong. Perhaps my only sin was blasphemy, as there was a new religion in town: Bollerism.

That indeed was the ultimate sin once I heard those two words on draft day that began my downward spiral: “Baltimore Ravens.” How could God do this to me? Baltimore… Baltimore… no really, Baltimore? What the fuck?

Like a man I sucked it up and went through my first season with the team. I was learning the offense well and was pumped up for my first game. Even though I was stuck in Baltimore, I still had hope. I knew that Baltimore was no match for my awesome powers I displayed in college. However, right from the first game, I noticed something, my powers were gone!

What happened to defensive reads?

What happened to my long balls?

What happened to my fatal fastballs?

Why couldn’t I cure cancer anymore?

None of it made sense! I was a football god, and now, in a matter of weeks, it was all gone. What did I do to deserve this?

Was it my fault that Berkeley had found a new religion?

Did I murder too many cornerbacks that got hit on the head with my throws?

Wasn’t curing cancer a good thing?

I asked God these questions everyday over the next few years as I was relegated to the bench. Worst of all were the quarterbacks that played ahead of me. Anthony Wright, Steve McNair, even Chris fucking Redman. I didn’t suck that much to deserve such embarrassment.

But then, my fortune finally changed on December 3^rd.

It seemed like my supernatural skills were returning to me against he Patriots. I was zipping balls left and right. I made completions. I avoided mistakes. I was back to my old self again. And for once, we were in the lead.

That was until Tom douchebag Brady stepped in and began to tear my world apart. He zipped balls left and right. He threw completions. He avoided mistakes. He stole everything that I had, and because of that, the Patriots were in the lead again, 27-24.

Why God, why??? Why do you grant such gifts to that prick? What did he do that was so great for humanity? Did he give hope to the hopeless? Did he cure diseases with a blink of his eye? All he’s ever done is father bastard children and played the position of Belichick’s bitch, and yet you still bring him good fortune. Is being a tool what it takes to have your good graces?

I still had a chance though. We still had about 40 seconds on the clock. Even though God took away most of my skill, I still had a few 70 yard throws in me. So with one last heave I chucked in the air as hard as I kid, and to my surprise, Clayton caught it! Yes, I did it, I did it, I beat….. oh wait, what’s this, he was short by two yards? Fuck! Not again!

I see the irony. The QB known for throwing it far didn’t throw it far enough. Damn.

So it looks like a reversal of fortune is not in the works, and I, Kyle Boller, will continue to hide in the shadows, hiding my soulless face from the world, for I am a cursed man.

Begins to ring the bells in the bell tower.

SANCTUARY!!!!!

An Apology From Mbah a Moute

"We will drink wine from this cup, I promise my Bruin citizens!"

Hello UCLA fans of America. It is I; the esteemed Luc Richard Mbah a Moute here to offer an apology to the Bruin nation after yesterday’s lost to Texas. As you may know, I missed a buzzer beater that would have sealed a victory and enshrined us as college basketball gods for another week. Also, as you may know, I am the prince of my native village Yaounde back at home in Cameroon. Being a royal representative for Yaounde means that failure is not an option. I hold my entire village on my shoulders, and I do not want to disappoint Yaounde and its glorious people.

Yesterday, I failed, and for that I am truly sorry. However, this apology is not enough. I feel it is my duty to make it up to college basketball fans. Thus, I am going to begin and initiative to regain the confidence of the Bruin fans.

During the next home game against Davidson, I plan to have my royal entrance engineers toss rose pedal in front of the students before they make their entrance into Pauley Ballroom.

Hopefully this will pump up my colleagues before the game.

If this fails, I will have my royal “handymen” take care of some of the Davidson players. If you are confused by this term, let's just say the Tonya Harding – Nancy Kerrigan incident in the early 90’s was not completely up to Jeff Gilooly. (I loved Tonya Harding!)

That is all and I wish you a fond farewell. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Luc Richard Mbah a Moute

The Rivals Week Aftermath

"Go B-......... aww nuts."

UCLA and Cal lost. Fuck. That’s all I have to say. Fuck. Here’s an imaginary conversation between Captain Comeback and Pete Carroll. But seriously, fuck those guys:

Starring Pete Carroll and Jim Harbaugh

Jim Harbaugh: Hey Pete!

Pete Carroll: Jimmy my boy, how are you, old chum?

JH: Pretty good. I just called to give you a big congrats on your big win yesterday!

PC: Why thank you, my lad! And a fine "jolly good fellow" on your impressive victory over that dastard Cal squad.

JH: Thanks, it’s been a while since we were able to bring the axe back.

PC: What did you do after the game?

JH: Well after the game, Pritchard threw a huge party at his place. It was pretty sweet. There was a phat keg and the music was bumping. The boys dared me to do a keg stand. Silly bitches. They think Captain Comeback can’t hold his booze. Well I showed them a thing or two about drinking. Hell, back when I was on the Bears, I practically played every game like I was drunk. It’s because I actually was. I’m sure I could have belted off some Comeback specials for Ditka had I not been so intoxicated on the field. It wasn’t my fault though, Fridge challenged me to a drink off every game, and I just can’t hold as much alcohol as that fat fuck.

PC: Were there any other shenanigans at the party?

JH: Yeah. I totally nabbed this little Stanford hottie and her mid life crisis, Silicon Valley milf. It was frickin’ awesome. I definitely gave myself a high five after that one.

PC: Excellent!

JH: What did you do Petey boy?

PC: Well I invited my team to an after party at my mansion. It was also a great time. You know, we had the usual, food, music, fake suicide pranks. All of that adds to a memorable night.

JH: That’s great to hear, dude! So now that the season is over, what do you plan to do? Rose bowl?

PC: Yeah, the boys need to get ready for Pasadena. You?

JH: Well, once football season is over, party season begins. Old Jimmy here is gonna bust out his bedroom playbook on some million dollar ladies. Then in mid – August, I’ll start preparing myself for the next season.

PC: Sounds good. Well you enjoy yourself, and I’ll see you next year. Maybe I’ll be the one who can call your team the greatest in history.

JH: Fuckin’ right, Pete! Talk to you later!

USC - UCLA: Game Itenerary

"Classy"

Today marks a cornucopia of awesomeness that is the USC vs. UCLA game. I happen to be at this event in Los Angeles. Actually, I should correct myself. I am in Los Angeles watching the game, but not at the game. Instead I’m at my friends place with some major tailgating action going on with chicken wings, Buffalo wings, cow wings, and even cat wings. Just kidding. It’s just cat.

Some of you may think I am a traitorous snake for watching the USC – UCLA game over my beloved Cal Bears, but to you guys, I say fuck that shit. A good game is a good game. Don’t bitch about it.

Anyway, here is an itinerary for the Battle for the Victory Bell. I plan to party my ass off before and during the game. In fact, I’ve already obtained a decent buzz while I started this post. I am not kidding either. It’s fuckin’ 4 AM, and I’m writing on this goddamn post. Someone give me another Amstel Light. Here’s the schedule I plan to partake in:

(How is it the John David Booty ISN'T the dumb looking one in this picture?)

Jack n’ Coke

Chicken Wings

Jack n’ Coke x 2

Buffalo wings (I wish they were from real buffalo)

Chat it up to UCLA fans about how their team is going to get crushed

Game begins

Get punched by UCLA fans

Eat more chicken wings to ease the pain

Corona

Bathroom time (don’t worry it’s a dookie)

Talk about how Aaron Rodgers was great against the Cowboys

Get response from dumbfounded college football fans

Explain that Aaron Rodgers was a football legend at Cal

Explain that Aaron Rodgers is now a backup to Battleship McGeezery

Continue to a light 4^th course of ribs

Pass out

Wake up

Hey UCLA just lost. Cal is now on.

Switch over to the Big 12 championship (a real game)

Barf

The end!