Marshawn Lynch Has A Blog and It is Awesome

"Dis b ma photo"

Marshawn Lynch, former Cal running back and now superstud running back for the Buffalo Bills, has a blog. Here is the link to those who want to read it.

http://yardbarker.com/users/marshawnlynch/

Those of you who took a gander at it will notice that it's kind of hard to read. However, I think Marshawn has come up with a new blogging language that everyone can enjoy. It's a language that avoids pesky things like grammar, spelling, and articulation and replaces it with badassary. In the next few days, prepare to see one of our classic posts translated into "Marshawn Lynchanese." Even cooler is that our own Ms. Automatic had class with 'Shawn and talked to him on a normal basis, so we feel his blog deserves our sponsorship. Kudos to you Marshawn, and we hope your injury clears up soon!

(Normally our blog is filled with sarcasm, but really, his blog is hella tight)

Love the Mighty Ducks, Hate Their Players

"Ugly ass uniforms."

I have no qualms with the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. Or Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. Or Anaheim Ducks. Whatever. In fact, this team actually brings back memories of the Mighty Duck movie series that I so fondly enjoyed while growing up. If you’re an avid reader of this blog, you will recall that I have made several references to this movie. The series was really that awesome to a kid of ten and was the only reason that I ever had an interest in hockey while growing up. It was so popular with us that some kids spent hour upon hour trying to perfect a knuckle puck. Needless to say, we never succeeded.

Now as an adult though, I spend my time playing fantasy sports instead of watching Disney movies (I can’t say the same for my sisters who enjoy a good High School Musical, go figure). I also happen to be one of the few Americans who engage in fantasy hockey. For those of you who are curious, fantasy hockey is a lot like fantasy basketball, except less popular.

This brings me to my point about the Mighty Ducks, Ryan Getzlaf and Chris Pronger are killing my team. They’re doing really well this year, and I don’t have them. Getzlaf is getting a lot of goals and assists. Even worse is the fact that the same team has both players, and that guy is numero uno in the league right now. Pronger is an assist man plus he gets a lot of penalty minutes. I always thought that was the dumbest category in fantasy hockey. They’re actually rewarding you for cheating. I wish they would do that in fantasy football, then Charles Woodson would be the MVP of several leagues.

I do have Joe Thorton on my side, but he can only do so much against a Pronger-Getzlaf double gang bang. Now hockey is a dirty sport, where fights can go abound like crazy. That’s why I’m hoping someone out there in the NHL will take a 5 minute penalty and just knock the shit out of one of these two players. It would be greatly appreciated in my fantasy circles. I’m not advocating that the Ducks should lose, just that one of these two gunners should go. That is all.

NHL players, go Ray Lewis on their ass and murderize them!

This:

Leads to this:

Go Ducks!

Quick Note About Comments

Like a dumbass, I restricted comments to people only with accounts. Now anyone can comment. Enjoy!

Subject to change if abused. :(

The Cal, Stanford Pre Big Game Special: Evolution of the Mascots

The Pac-10 ends its season this weekend with rivals week. USC vs. UCLA, Cal vs. Stanford, Arizona vs. Arizona St, you get the picture. Personally, I find rivals week as the pinnacle of awesomeness. The multitude of greatness is achieved not because the games are exciting (it’s not like Cal vs. Stanford is a Michigan vs. Ohio St kind of deal) but rather because you can pretty much get away with anything during rivals week. Feel like painting a beloved rivals school statue with one of your colors? Go ahead. Sure it’s only vandalism, defacing public property, against the law, but it’s all in the fun of the game, right? You’ll probably only get a slap on the hand for it. Steal the other team’s bulldog while you’re at it! Animal cruelty is just a small price to pay in order to uphold the traditions of the school. Why don’t you just go all Clockwork Orange with your rival school’s professors?! Great idea huh? You’ll probably go to hell for it, but God will understand since he’s probably a Washington State fan. You’ll get a free pass to heaven. Way to go, God!

Okay, so maybe some of these examples are rather extreme, but I can recall a true story from my freshmen year that made me think, wow, rivals week is great, but what the fans are doing is a really bad judgment call. So basically, I was in the Cal student section watching the game, when all of a sudden I heard some chanting. “Take off that red shirt” the crowd cried as they were pointing at one Stanford fan silly enough to think he could wear a Stanford sweater in a Cal student section. The chanting went on, and eventually the guy took off his sweater. No biggie. But then something crazy happened. The guy proceeded to throw the sweater behind him, only to have it caught by the student section. Once the Cal fans were in possession of the sweater, they continued their rowdy ways by tearing it to bits. Also, no biggie. Then someone had the great idea of lighting the remains on fire. That’s when my jaw dropped.

Let me spell this out to all of you. They were lighting something on fire, in a sea of people, with no real exit strategy if something did go wrong. Not was that dangerous enough, but they were lighting something on fire while standing on wooden bleachers. I’m pretty sure had one of those pieces dropped on the ground and lit the seats ablaze, it would have been the Great Chicago Fire times one hundred. Basically, all of us in the student section would have been trampled on or toast to a crisp. Fuck.

Stanford versus Cal is also known as “The Bowl of the Brains.” The irony.

Now, as any other great institution, Cal and Stanford both have timely age old mascots that have endured several bazillion years. These mascots are ancient, I’m not joking. Also, both of the mascots look rather ridiculous, in my opinion. Oski (the Cal Bear) looks like an old geezer at the retirement home. I’m not saying that to be mean, he just does. His attire is kind of out dated, and he looks like he’s ready to give you ribbon candy and send you off with a nickel so that you can buy milk from the local milkman. Yeesh.

The Stanford Tree on the other hand, well, it just looks retarded. It’s a fuckin’ tree for crying out loud. I’m surprised there aren’t any tree squatters flocking around it. Enough said.

However, forgetting the amounts of lameness that both these mascots possess, The Play in CA is proud to present to you a photo history analyzing the evolution of these mascots.

Oski the Bear

Over the years, Oski hasn't really seen much transformation. He's pretty much looked the same. However, I was able to find some pictures of various versions of Oski:

This is one of the oldest versions of Oski, and I can see why they made the change. He doesn't really look like a bear, more like a chipmunk with down syndrome. He also rates high on the creepy scale. Reminds me of one of Eric Cartman's Christmas Critters or the puppet from Saw. He'll literally kill the other team.





















Here is the Oski Cal fans know and love. Pretty lame.
























Here is the same version of Oski, except he looks even more ridiculous. Making him ride a segway does not make him cooler. It's quite the opposite. He pretty much looks like a douchy, Silicon Valley executive who was a former engineer. Makes since though, because about 80 percent of the graduating EECS majors (Electrical Engineering and Computer Science) at Cal become someone similar to this.














This isn't Oski, but this is a fuckin' bear mascot. This is how Oski should be, buff to the max and ready to kick ass. Look, he even reads Oxygen Magazine, so you know he's sensitive for all you ladies.

Stanford Tree
The Stanford Tree hasn't really changed over the years. It's not really easy to make a tree look different. However I did find some variations on google images. The funny thing is that all the trees look like they are on different drugs. You have one that's on...
























Acid.





















Weed.
















Prozac.
























Not on anything, but distributed plenty of roofies.

This Could Be You!

"True that."

As you may notice, there are only really two active bloggers here a The Play in CA, me and Ms. Automatic. You may also notice that there are two other bloggers listed, u12 and Kim Nguyen, but those two lazy asses haven’t even made a post yet! Apparently, school, work, you know, making a living, is more important than blogging. Where are their priorities??

This blog has been up for about a month so far, and I can pretty much say it’s been a blast doing so. However, there are just some days where I run out of ideas and I end up writing some really stupid blogs just for bloggings sake to keep people coming in. I am shameless.

Thus, I am reaching out to the tens and tens of The Play in CA nation in search for a few good bloggers. If you think you have the skills, then show me what you got! This is a challenge to all you kiddos who think it would be great to write your own hilarious article! Hopefully, the reason you are coming to our lovely blog is because you think the articles are great and not because you happened to stop by because of the google image search you did on Romance from I Love New York (as seen below).


So if you think you have the skills to do it, just follow these easy instructions in order to become a member of the TPIC family:

First before you send us anything, please note there are a few ground rules:

1) Your sports topics must cover sports in the area of California or things that are remotely relevant. Once in a while something off topic is okay, considering there are slow periods. Even I myself have failed to follow this rule as sometimes there just isn’t anything to cover in the sports world within California, so just don’t make it a habit.

2) Good grammar is a must. We don’t want our blog too look like it’s written by a bunch of middle school drop outs.

3) Please keep jokes somewhat tasteful. I realize this is an extremely loose rule, but let’s just say dead baby jokes and extreme racism are not cool. Mild forms are! (Just kidding)

4) Include at least one picture in each post. It gives ADD riddled readers something to look at.

So if you think you can bust a move on us, send us a sample article that you think will make us shit in our pants with laughter. Submissions can be sent to kccal31@gmail.com and I assure you I’ll get back to you pretty fast, because unlike u12 and Kim Nguyen, I pan handle my personal funds.

Hang Time with the Sacramento Kings

I was watching the Kings play the other day, and asked myself: who are they??? I couldn’t believe it: they are a completely new team, new coach, new everything….minus the arena.

Anyhow, the Kings are 5-9. Looking at the new team made me remember the days when the Kings were underdogs, then became winners, and now are again underdogs. Names such as Mitch Richmond, Wayman Tisdale, Tyus Edney, Jason Williams, Corliss Williamson, and Chris Webber came to mind. Do non-Kings fans remember these guys at all? Probably not, but that’s ok, we’ve been overlooked for a long time, and the truth is the Kings were only good for some years. Sure the aforementioned were once Sacramento gods, but they sure as heck do no good for us now.

Rick Adelman brought us to the playoffs, and it was amazing. Will we be winners without him this season and go to the playoffs? Hmmm…

Mike Bibby is still injured, so we rely on Brad Miller, Ron Artest, Kevin Martin, and Mikki Moore. Hey Mikki, GIVE US MORE!!

It’s crazy how the team has evolved. Good or bad, you be the judge. But does anyone remember the teen-sitcom ‘Hang Time’? Saturday mornings? That lonesome girl on the boys' basketball team?

I mean, Reggie Theus, you were an awesome coach for that high school team on TV, but are you going to show results with the Kings? Isn’t this the Reggie Theus more known for his partying than his b-ball playing? And now he enforces curfews on his players? Unfreakinbelievable.

As a Kings fan, I’m going to have some faith. Someone’s got to be the one to make the Kings winners again. So tonight, I drink a beer, a shot, and a mixed drink for you sir, the new face of the Sacramento Kings!


P.S.
Chris Webber was at one point one of the highest paid NBA athletes. I miss him. I know a lot of people have their problems with him, I know he was expensive as hell, and I know he was injured for a while. But dammit, Sacramento had an all-star on their team, and even if he was injured, there is morale on the team that has been lost. Thanks a lot Maloofs.

Again, I drink for you C-Webb!

Ohh..back in the day when I was young....I'm not a kid anymore.
Can someone bring those glory days back!

Niners, Raiders, and Philip Rivers Victories Mean One Thing: End of Mankind

"Yeah! Now I'm a horseman of the apocalypse, sweet!"

I know lately there has been a lot of football coverage here at TPIC, even though we are supposedly supposed to be fair and balanced (like Fox News, minus the evil) in our sports coverage. However, yesterday, something truly earth shattering happened. No, Jessica Alba didn’t do a nude scene, that tease! The Niners AND the Raiders won. How’s that for surprise endings? Also, another miracle happened, which I will only mention once and later in the article, for it might be considered taking the lord’s name in vain if I dare mention the feat twice. Today I was going to run an add asking for new bloggers, but that will have to wait for tomorrow due to the once in a lifetime impact of this event.

The day first started out like any other normal day. I got up, fed my dog, and turned on the T.V. to watch my team, the Kansas City Chiefs (how I became a Chiefs fan even puzzles me to this day) take on the Raiders. Piece of cake I thought. They were playing in Arrowhead and the Raiders haven’t beaten a divisional opponent in a while. I was expecting a full scale blow out. However, there were tell tale signs of a Raiders upset. First off, Brodie Croyle was starting. Shit. He’s young and talented, but he’s no Derek Anderson. In fact, he isn’t even a Brady Quinn, and that statement alone pretty much describes his sucktitude. It was okay though, I was still unphased, mainly because I couldn’t recall the last time the Chiefs won a game based on their air attack. Even Trent Green’s concussed air strikes paled in comparison to Priest Holmes ankle breaking (and hip breaking) runs. I was pretty confident that rookie Kolby Smith would turn the tables on the paltry Raider run defense.

I was right too, because he pretty much tore it up into shreds.

Yet, the Raiders still won. The game pretty much hinged on one Justin Fargas, who had numbers comparable to Smith. As always, Daunte Culpepper didn’t really do shit. He won the game by not fucking up, which has pretty much been the game plan for all Raiders QB’s ever since Rich Gannon left.

So the Raiders won, big whoop right? Well prepare to be blown away because the Niners won too. Yeah you heard me, the Niners actually won. Before you start rubbing your eyes, let me throw another A-bomb in your direction, they won with Trent Dilfer. Crazy. Had I said they won with Alex Smith, your mind would have blown up.

Sadly, a 424 yard game from Kurt Warner wasn’t enough, because the Niners won with one error judgment from Warner, which was a fumble in Arizona’s own end zone during overtime. That sealed the victory right there on the spot. Before that play though, Warner showed signs of the Warner of old, while Dilfer definitely did not show signs of the Dilfer of old. Had that been the case, the Niners would have lost 30 to zip while Dilfer did a commendable job with zero TD’s, one INT, and a passer rating of blandness.

The Niner offense actually looked like the offense that garnered all that preseason hype. When Alex Smith returns, get ready to flush all that down the toilet.

The two wins was not the biggest shock of the day though. The jaw dropper of the week came from the fact that the Chargers won a game with Philip Rivers actually playing as a quarterback. Yes, you are reading correctly. Rivers threw 3 TD’s and 250 yards while LT looked very much like Natrone Means on the field (that’s not a good thing, by the way). When I heard that the Chargers had won through the air, I wondered how many TD’s did LT throw this week, because it surely wasn’t Philip Rivers who threw those bullets. And then, bam, there it was on ESPN, floater after endzone floater, Rivers threw strikes. Damn. Really, that’s all I have to say, damn.

So what does this incredible weekend mean? Simple. The apocalypse is coming. Philip Rivers throwing touchdowns? More like Philip Rivers selling out Earth to Satan as the dark prince prepares for his ultimate conquering of the heavens. Were those passes really worth the fate of mankind, Philip? ………….. Yeah they were actually. Now I can safely say I have seen everything. Except Jessica Alba naked, of course. Even if hell freezes over, that will never happen. You tease!

Jetlagged............Ugh

Let's just say my jetlag was nothing like this. And who knew Jean Reno could do gay? He probably still ended up putting a hit on Juliette Binoche at the end of the movie.

The Best Way to End Lazy Week: The Crappiest Post Ever

"Ooooh, hot, tut, tut, tut.."

Hope everyone had tons of food. All that turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes probably meant tons of time on the crapper. That's okay though, now you have enough poo to make a year's supply of jenkem.

Since I myself am out in Europe spending the most American holiday ever in the most un-American place in the world, my posts have been rather half assed. This explains all the youtube posts, though that Phillip Rivers / Mystery post was made from pure blood and sweat. Today is not different, as I will pull a treasure from my days as a staff writer on my high school newspaper. Yeah, its lame, but you're probably on the crapper as we speak, so guess nothing else you do can be shittier! (Get it? What a classic pun!) Enjoy the holiday week and watch out for those soccer moms trying to get their kids a Wii. They'll kill you. No seriously, they will.

My article from high school about why Thanksgiving isn't that grand:

If Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, and Halloween is the scariest time of the year, then what is Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving, is simply the biggest time wasting, money squandering, “no one really gives thanks anymore” holiday of the year. There is nothing really that Thanksgiving offers except the killing of about half the turkeys in the United States. The day itself is a day of poorly planned entertainment. The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade is a joke. Who in the world wants to wake up at seven o’ clock in the morning to watch a bunch of useless balloons fly around New York? Some people argue that the parade symbolizes celebration, but what the parade is really about is a bunch of greedy corporations trying to promote their stores with pretty colors and hot air. Also, the parade gets boring because the balloons all look the same. The so-called wonderful, symbolic event can be summed up in three words by senior Keith Thrift, “The parade sucks.” Sleeping in is probably a better option, because the day requires a lot of digestive and emotional energy.

Then there are the football games. Actually, they are more like blowouts, because the teams who normally play opponents on Thanksgiving (the Detroit Lions and Dallas Cowboys) are two of the worst teams in the NFL. If there is going to be any scoring, it’s going to be by the other team. It may be entertaining watching the Lions lose by thirty points. So much for “America’s” teams… Then there is the absolute worst part of Thanksgiving, the dinner. The horrible torture of greeting those annoying relatives that just won’t go away, as well as my pesky cousin. At first, there are the usual reluctant hellos and phony smiles and “glad to see you’s” (which are far from true). There are also the infamous aunt and uncle comments that one must succumb to such as “Look how tall you’ve grown” and “My you’re getting so big.” These comments are as false as Michael Jackson’s nose. Then, there is the traditional dinner with a nice family “conversation.” The word conversation is misleading though because it is really criticizing, bickering, and the occasional comparing of children. Rarely are there peaceful dinners with relatives. “All the family talks about is drama that happened five years ago,” said senior Eric Simpson. Yet, it’s understandable, because what is there to talk about…the parade? (That subject has already been explained.)

In the end, the real meaning of Thanksgiving is never appreciated. It should be a holiday about family togetherness and being thankful. However, nowadays, it’s more about the near extinction of turkeys, wasted helium, and being thankful when it’s over.

(Damn I was an even more god awful writer back then than I am today)

USC vs ASU In HD Photos

Yesterday, USC destroyed ASU by a whopping 44-24 difference. This pretty much launches the team back into the Rose Bowl picture. Since this is the lazy week, we decided to just show you some photos that would help explain how the game went.

"This photo isn't darker because of the clouds, it's from the ominous color of evil."

"God I wish I was still in this uniform."

"Guess who's not getting any today? Me!!!!"

"Wake up Dennis, you have a game to coach!"

"Time to show Phillip Rivers who Mystery REALLY should have chosen."

"For the last time, yes, we really were that over rated!"

Happy Thanksgiving! (Bas Rutten Style)

Thanksgiving is a time of peace and family. It's a time to spend time with loved ones and simply enjoy their company. That's why The Play in CA will not have a satirical, mean spirited post in observation of this time. We feel it's un-American on this day of thanks to write some silly first person diatribe from Ron Artest, or compare the current state of the Sharks to human feces. Instead, we'd just like to leave you this simple message.... HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!
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.............................................. just kidding. Here are some bar fighting tips from Bas Rutten instead.

Phillip Rivers Reacts to Being Named Douche of the Week/Month

"Yeahhhhhhhh baby."

Phillip Rivers: When I found out that I was receiving the douchebag award from The Play in CA, I was thrilled. It takes a lot of time, practice, and Axe spray for a guy to reach such a high level of douchiness. There's just so many douches out there in the world that it's sometimes hard to stand out as douche numero uno. I should know because I live near LA.

There's a lot of people on my list that I need to thank who help me become the douche that I am today. First, I would like to start off with Mystery, who made me realized that I should not be embarrassed by my douchiness, but rather, I should embrace it for what it's worth. Some people, aka loser assholes who go on Youtube and bitch about how they're great at Guitar Hero, think that being a douche is a bad thing. I myself was ashamed that I was a douche, so ashamed that I kept it in the closet, but now, thanks to you Mystery, no longer will I hide what I am. Thanks man! I'll buy you an Appletini later, man.


Mystery: No problem Phil! After the Appletini, let's be sure to open some sets in order for us to show that we are the alpha males around here. It'll get us some poon for sure.

PR: Fa sho! Next up, I would like to thank North Carolina State. This is the school where my ripe mind was transformed from your mild mannered, jock douche, into a full blown, ass tappin super douche. If it wasn't for the good old NCST, I don't think I could have ever received this award. There, I was able to focus on bringing out the inner douche within. I guess it was the people there, really, that allowed me to do this. After all, when I started at NC St, I was a little fish in a big pond, competing with mega douches from all around the country. If I wanted to be the king of kings in that doucheland, I had to step up my game. Thankfully, I did. So here's one to you Wolfpack Nation!


Wolfpack Nation: Yeah! We love you too, Phil!

PR: Next on my list are the Jacksonville Jaguars. Thanks for handily whooping our asses. I mean, if I had thrown 3 TD passes and no INT's, would I have gotten this award? I think not! Thanks to your stifling defense, I really sucked ass, which in turn gave me the opportunity to receive this awesome accolade. Thanks!


Jags: No problem, Phil. Anytime you need us to deliver another smackdown on your candy ass, just call us. We'll be there. God bless you, man.

PR: No Problem, and God bless you too! Finally, there is one more person left on my list that I need to thank. We've had our ups and downs, but he still has a special place in my heart. LaDanian, come up here and accept this award with me!


LT: Nah man, I'm cool.

PR: No man, don't worry, it's cool! Security said they'll let you come up. Don't be shy!

LT: Nah man, really, it's cool.

PR: Aww c'mon, LT! Just come up! I thought we were like this. (crosses fingers)

LT: Nah man, we ain't. I'm just gonna get myself up out of here now. (Leaves)

PR: Hey man! What are you doing?!?! YOU DON'T WALK AWAY FROM PHILLIP RIVERS. NO ONE DOES. COME BACK HERE I SAY! COME BACK!

Audience looks shocked.

PR: Oh, my bad guys. It's just been a pretty crazy week. My future plans include building up my douchiness to super levels. Maybe I can even make it to Zach Braff status. But yeah, that concludes my speech. I'd just like to thank everyone who supported me and if I didn't call out your name, then just know you still have a place in my heart. Except LT, that guy is a total douche.

A Side of Fries and a Slam Dunk Please!

Today is the lazy post everyone, so enjoy this clip of B-Diddy serving people at Mickey D's!

Mystery the Pick Up Artist Presents the 'Mystery Douche of the Week/Month' Award

"Here's a tip you: black nail polish brings in the ladies like moths to a lightbulb."

Hi everyone, Mystery is here on The Play in CA. When the blog asked me to make a post, I thought to myself, why the hell would I do that? Sports are very manly, and from my own experience, acting manly gets you no where with women. Just look at me. Do I look anything like a an athlete to you? No. Instead, I choose to dress like a skanky DJ at the newest gay bar this side of West Hollywood, and let me tell you something, two minutes ago, I totally scored with this hottie that I was able to pick up in the women's section of Hollister. Nothing is sexier to women than a guy who knows how to wear a cowboy hat and headphones.

"Why are you here then?" you may be asking. Well, it's quite simple. After opening many different "sets" (conversations for you uneducated, sex starved simpletons), my opening topics are starting to run dry. I think women may be catching on to my ways, those sneaky little whores. That's why I'm trying to expand my experiences, so I can open up a whole new world of conversation. I can't talk about fake fights that happened outside all the time. I need to start broadening my knowledge, because females are smarter than I anticipated. That's why have to catch up with current events. CNN, ESPN, Nickelodeon, you name it. This sports blog is just one of the many resources I intend to pull from.

I suppose if this experiment doesn't work, then I can just always go back to using my classic "negs" (negative comments), because even though there are tons of women who are getting smarter by the minute, there will ALWAYS be tons of women who have low enough self esteem to where insulting is actually attractive to them. It's like shooting fish in a barrel.

Some of you readers may be wondering, though, why are you presenting a 'Douche of the Week/Month' award? Isn't that a bad thing? Well, let me tell you something Mr. I Don't Get Laid as Often as Mystery, women like douchebags. Take me for example. Do you think I actually enjoy wearing top hats and all this sissy jewelery? Hell no. Do you think I like to insult women and act like a total dick at clubs? Nope. But don't you notice the hottest chick in the bar is always with a total douche? Well guess what that chick is at the bar, and she's here with me. If being the biggest douche in the universe means I'm going to get laid, then so be it, because I'm just that desperate. It make look dickish, but women like that stuff. That's why my methods work. Well my methods don't work on real women. You know, a girl with confidence, values, and morals, but who the hell wants that anyway? Not me. A girl with a brain is not the type of chick I want.

So here I am, ready to present to you the Mystery Douche of the Week.......Phillip Rivers!

Two pics, a loss to the Jags, and bitching about every play makes you the douche of the week. Now that you're such a big douche, you'll be able to bang any girl out there with a tramp stamp. Congratulations.

The Semi Grand Finale: Pac-10 College Basketball Preview

"I really should learn how to use Photoshop."

Well, we’re here, finally getting to the Pac-10 conference, the last conference in the special college basketball preview that The Play in the CA has prepared for its avid five or six readers. Yay. When I first started these previews, we went slow, starting off with the Big West conference. I had promised that it would build up in the end to an orgasmic finish that would be an explosive Pac-10 conclusion. I also stated that hopefully things would not become anti climactic. Well guess what? It did. Quite frankly, doing all these basketball previews has made me lose any interest I may have in college basketball for at least until next March. There won’t be anything that will want me to get near analyzing a college basketball game unless it is for a dreaded “filler” post. Filler posts are posts I just put up for the sake of updating the blog, but they often aren’t that humorous. There seems to be quite a bit of those too lately, and for that I apologize. In lament terms, the last few entries have been kind of shitty.

I think the problem was that I started off with the teams no one really cares about. I mean, c’mon, Pepperdine? CSU-Fullerton? Riverside? University of San Francisco? Shit, what was I thinking?!? At first it made sense to go in this order. I mean, why would you want to start strong and then finish things off weak. Had I started with the most powerful conferences, the mid major posts would have been easy candidates for filler posts. And I must say, I think that many of the small conference previews were anything but filler posts. I though a lot of them were decent. So in the end, it seemed like a good idea. Then again, having your buddy riding on the hood of your car in order to practice the lost sport of “car surfing” also seems like a good idea, that is until your buddy falls off like a jackass and gets hurt (I don’t see what the big idea is though, it’s only a broken leg).

Perhaps things would have gone according to plan had I not gotten worn down, but college basketball can be so boring when money isn’t involved! In fact, a lot of sports are without the cha ching as a motivation factor. The only sport that is remotely fun to watch is NASCAR, because you kind think it’d be cool to see a crash, as long as no one dies. I’m kidding. NASCAR is a snooze fest. If I want to see a bunch of cars race to the death with disregard for their fellow driver, I’ll just check out highway 101 during rush hours.

So here it is kids, the Pac-10 preview that is finishing off as a dud. Feel free to punch yourself in the face afterwards.

California: Last year I thought Cal had a shot, I really did. I mean sure we had lost Powe, but we had a new guy in Ryan Anderson and Devon Hardin was sure to step it up. I had it all planned out in my mind, we just needed an upset win over UCLA and maybe Oregon, and we were solid gold. We got that upset against Oregon, but that’s about all we did. Even after loss after loss, I still though that it was possible to make it to the tournament. Yeah I was smokin’ some rocks.

Then Cal goes and upsets UCLA in the Pac-10 Tournament and gives me a glimmer of hope. I thought if we beat UCLA, surely we’ll have a chance against Oregon in the next round. Guess what? We didn’t. Fuck.

Thus, to protect myself from further disappointment, I am just going to go through the season thinking every game is going to be a big fat L. That way, when they win, it will be a mild surprise. Hell, even if I thought they were going to win, it still would have been a surprise to see them actually do it.

Predicted Standing in the Pac-10: 8^th out of 10.
Predicted amount of wins: 15
Strengths: Diversity (they have two Asian basketball players)
Weakness: They have two Asian basketball players
Tourney bid? Time to smoke some more rocks again

Stanford: If you’ve been following Stanford basketball, then you probably know the story about the Lopez twins. Brook and Robin Lopez are back. Now, a look at their names would make one think that the Stanford basketball team has two hot girls playing on it. I assure you though, Brooke and Robin are two men who do not look like girls. They do however play like girls. The thing I always found funny about that though was that ESPN has predicted Brook (or was it Robin) to be taken in the first round of the upcoming NBA Draft. They’re freakin’ identical twins with the same body, same upbringing, and same 90 IQ. How could one be better than the other? I’m pretty sure it was Brook, because he has a wikipedia entry, while Robin has a dreaded red highlighted entry, which signifies that you are a loser.

Brook has a strong game. He can score inside, he can rebound, he can play defense. Unfortunately, there is one glaring flaw that he possesses: he is a dumbass. As of right now, he is academically ineligible. Geez. I remember going to school thinking that one really has to try hard to fail a class. I mean you really have to put an all star effort if you want to flunk out. If you go to lecture and only retain 5 percent of what you hear, you’ll get a C- probably, as long as you turn in your homework. I’m surprised Brook couldn’t even do the minimums. I’m even more surprised that Stanford hasn’t used their money to produce some kind of leeway for him.

Predicted Standing in the Pac-10: 6^th out of 10.
Predicted amount of wins: 20
Strengths: Wonder twin powers can activate
Weakness: The bell curve
Tourney bid? Depends on the semester report card

USC: Four syllables pretty much sum it up for USC: O.J. fuckin’ Mayo. Okay it’s really six if you count the fuckin. The season pretty much hinges on this kid, and to be honest, he’s not a bad candidate if you have to count on one person. I think he’s the real. Some people are doubtful of his skills, but those people are assholes. They’ll be quick to point out that USC lost to Mercer but not all teams start off so fast. Remember Oral Roberts beating Kansas last year? Well how did that turn out? Told you those people are assholes.

Sometimes I imagine that O.J Mayo must have a grand old time talking smack on the court. In fact, I think it’d be awesome if, after nailing a glass shattering dunk, he would say “I just gave you a taste of O.J. Later, you’re gonna get some Mayo along with the slamwich I just served you….. bitch.” Awesome.

Predicted Standing in the Pac-10: 4th out of 10.
Predicted amount of wins: 24
Strengths: Mayo
Weakness: Possible injury
Tourney bid? Yeah

UCLA: We finally arrive at the grandest belle of the ball. Seriously, I am looking forward to UCLA unloading multi canned platters of ass whooping across the nation. Collison, Aboya, Shipp, it’s all good. They’ll cruise their way on to the big dance, probably with a number one seed in the works. The only probably is winning that national title.

I can’t really say much on UCLA’s situation. The way things are going now, they look like they’re going to be the college basketball version of the Buffalo Bills. They need to show they’re the team that can go all the way. They need to learn how to deliver in the clutch. The main point is they need to stop playing like a bunch of pussies when it’s time to shine. The end.

Predicted Standing in the Pac-10: 1^st out of 10.
Predicted amount of wins: 27
Strengths: Everything
Weakness: Florida
Tourney bid? Fa sho

Final Pac-10 predictions:

1) UCLA
2) Oregon
3) Wash St
4) USC
5) Arizona
6) Stanford
7) Washington
8) Cal
9) Oregon St
10) Arizona St

Barry Bonds In: Prison Break

When I visited ESPN, it was there on the front page: Barry bonds, indicted! Unbelievable. Well okay, very believable. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, Barry is getting indicted for charges of perjury and obstruction of justice. Ouch. Guess there’s going to be even more next to that little asterisk for his home run record in the hall of fame.

New sources state that if convicted, Barry can face up to 30 years in prison. I’m pretty sure the “prison” he’ll be going to will be nothing like the prisons you see on MSNBC specials like Locked Up. In fact, he’ll probably go to a nice cushy prison where he can play (and maybe juice up for) the prison softball team. It’ll be like a baseball version of the Longest Yard (the Burt Reynolds version, not the Adam Sandler one). Yet, one might wonder what would happen if he did end up in a state prison. Being the sly SOB that I am, I would imagine it like an episode of Prison Break (from the first season, when it was good, and not from the season after, when it became crappy). So let’s see what happens if Barry enters the world of Fox River State:

The scene starts at the lunch room with Michael talking to Lincoln

Lincoln: You think this plan is really going to work?

Michael: It has to, it’s our only way for you to avoid the execution.

Lincoln: There’s no point though if we die trying. I mean what if we get caught in the process. Besides, there are a lot of people we can’t trust, like T-Bag

Michael: Yeah, I know. But we had to include him or else he would have snitched to everyone. That would have blown everything.

Lincoln: Still, he can’t be trusted at all.

Michael: I totally agree with you. That’s why I decided to make the Fox River Eight into the Fox River Nine.

Lincoln: Someone else is going to join us?

Michael: Yeah.

Lincoln: That sounds even riskier than before.

Michael: Well it’s my plan Lincoln. Let me remind you that we’re only in this mess because of you. If you want out you’re going to listen to me.

Lincoln: Fine:

In walks in Tweener

Tweener: W’sup bros.

Michael: Go away Tweener.

Tweener: Dude, don’t worry Mikey, you know I’m cool about the whole plan.

Michael: Seriously, Tweener, go away.

Tweener: How you gonna dis me like that brah?

Lincoln: He said go away.

Tweener: Aight, aight, fine dudes. I’ll catch ya later.

Exits Tweener

Lincoln: I can’t believe he’s mixed up in this too.

Michael: Yeah I know, but it’s okay. It’s not like he’s going to tell Bellick or anything.

Lincoln: We’ll see about that, so what about this new guy? What use is he?

Michael: Well, you told me you were worried about T-Bag right?

Lincoln: Yeah.

Michael: I was worried too, that’s why I decided to hire some extra muscle for us. Let’s just say he’ll be our personal bodyguard on the break.

Lincoln: Who is he?

Michael: A guy from San Francisco. Big guy. You know Bane from Batman? Think of him. I’ll call him over right now. Hey Barry!

Enter Barry Bonds

Lincoln: Hey, name’s Lincoln.

Barry: Hey, I’m Barry.

Lincoln: So Michael tells me you’d be good to protect us.

Barry: I don’t really want to discuss this information right now.

Lincoln: Huh?

Barry: I just don’t want to answer the question.

Michael: I forgot to mention that Barry isn’t to fond of the media.

Lincoln: But I’m not the media. I don’t even have a mic or camera.

Michael: In his mind you do.

Lincoln: Okay. Well Barry, can we trust you as a member of the Fox River Eight?

Barry: Listen, when I’m out there playing the game, I’ll deliver. Even if that game has changed from hitting baseballs to hitting T-Bag’s balls. After the game though, I like to keep my business personal.

Lincoln: But in order for us to work together, we’re going to need you to communicate.

Barry: I’ll discuss what I want to discuss when I want to discuss it, all right?

Lincoln: That’s not going to work.

Barry: Well that’s how I do it. You can either take it or leave it. It’s not my obligation to sit here and answer your questions.

Lincoln: Okay, I guess we’ll adjust. One question though, what are you here for?

Barry: This interview is over.

Barry walks away

Lincoln: That guy's is a real dick.

Michael: True, but he’s one of the greatest scrotum hitters that the game has ever seen.