Marshawn Lynch Has A Blog and It is Awesome

"Dis b ma photo"

Marshawn Lynch, former Cal running back and now superstud running back for the Buffalo Bills, has a blog. Here is the link to those who want to read it.

http://yardbarker.com/users/marshawnlynch/

Those of you who took a gander at it will notice that it's kind of hard to read. However, I think Marshawn has come up with a new blogging language that everyone can enjoy. It's a language that avoids pesky things like grammar, spelling, and articulation and replaces it with badassary. In the next few days, prepare to see one of our classic posts translated into "Marshawn Lynchanese." Even cooler is that our own Ms. Automatic had class with 'Shawn and talked to him on a normal basis, so we feel his blog deserves our sponsorship. Kudos to you Marshawn, and we hope your injury clears up soon!

(Normally our blog is filled with sarcasm, but really, his blog is hella tight)

Love the Mighty Ducks, Hate Their Players

"Ugly ass uniforms."

I have no qualms with the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. Or Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. Or Anaheim Ducks. Whatever. In fact, this team actually brings back memories of the Mighty Duck movie series that I so fondly enjoyed while growing up. If you’re an avid reader of this blog, you will recall that I have made several references to this movie. The series was really that awesome to a kid of ten and was the only reason that I ever had an interest in hockey while growing up. It was so popular with us that some kids spent hour upon hour trying to perfect a knuckle puck. Needless to say, we never succeeded.

Now as an adult though, I spend my time playing fantasy sports instead of watching Disney movies (I can’t say the same for my sisters who enjoy a good High School Musical, go figure). I also happen to be one of the few Americans who engage in fantasy hockey. For those of you who are curious, fantasy hockey is a lot like fantasy basketball, except less popular.

This brings me to my point about the Mighty Ducks, Ryan Getzlaf and Chris Pronger are killing my team. They’re doing really well this year, and I don’t have them. Getzlaf is getting a lot of goals and assists. Even worse is the fact that the same team has both players, and that guy is numero uno in the league right now. Pronger is an assist man plus he gets a lot of penalty minutes. I always thought that was the dumbest category in fantasy hockey. They’re actually rewarding you for cheating. I wish they would do that in fantasy football, then Charles Woodson would be the MVP of several leagues.

I do have Joe Thorton on my side, but he can only do so much against a Pronger-Getzlaf double gang bang. Now hockey is a dirty sport, where fights can go abound like crazy. That’s why I’m hoping someone out there in the NHL will take a 5 minute penalty and just knock the shit out of one of these two players. It would be greatly appreciated in my fantasy circles. I’m not advocating that the Ducks should lose, just that one of these two gunners should go. That is all.

NHL players, go Ray Lewis on their ass and murderize them!

This:

Leads to this:

Go Ducks!

Quick Note About Comments

Like a dumbass, I restricted comments to people only with accounts. Now anyone can comment. Enjoy!

Subject to change if abused. :(

The Cal, Stanford Pre Big Game Special: Evolution of the Mascots

The Pac-10 ends its season this weekend with rivals week. USC vs. UCLA, Cal vs. Stanford, Arizona vs. Arizona St, you get the picture. Personally, I find rivals week as the pinnacle of awesomeness. The multitude of greatness is achieved not because the games are exciting (it’s not like Cal vs. Stanford is a Michigan vs. Ohio St kind of deal) but rather because you can pretty much get away with anything during rivals week. Feel like painting a beloved rivals school statue with one of your colors? Go ahead. Sure it’s only vandalism, defacing public property, against the law, but it’s all in the fun of the game, right? You’ll probably only get a slap on the hand for it. Steal the other team’s bulldog while you’re at it! Animal cruelty is just a small price to pay in order to uphold the traditions of the school. Why don’t you just go all Clockwork Orange with your rival school’s professors?! Great idea huh? You’ll probably go to hell for it, but God will understand since he’s probably a Washington State fan. You’ll get a free pass to heaven. Way to go, God!

Okay, so maybe some of these examples are rather extreme, but I can recall a true story from my freshmen year that made me think, wow, rivals week is great, but what the fans are doing is a really bad judgment call. So basically, I was in the Cal student section watching the game, when all of a sudden I heard some chanting. “Take off that red shirt” the crowd cried as they were pointing at one Stanford fan silly enough to think he could wear a Stanford sweater in a Cal student section. The chanting went on, and eventually the guy took off his sweater. No biggie. But then something crazy happened. The guy proceeded to throw the sweater behind him, only to have it caught by the student section. Once the Cal fans were in possession of the sweater, they continued their rowdy ways by tearing it to bits. Also, no biggie. Then someone had the great idea of lighting the remains on fire. That’s when my jaw dropped.

Let me spell this out to all of you. They were lighting something on fire, in a sea of people, with no real exit strategy if something did go wrong. Not was that dangerous enough, but they were lighting something on fire while standing on wooden bleachers. I’m pretty sure had one of those pieces dropped on the ground and lit the seats ablaze, it would have been the Great Chicago Fire times one hundred. Basically, all of us in the student section would have been trampled on or toast to a crisp. Fuck.

Stanford versus Cal is also known as “The Bowl of the Brains.” The irony.

Now, as any other great institution, Cal and Stanford both have timely age old mascots that have endured several bazillion years. These mascots are ancient, I’m not joking. Also, both of the mascots look rather ridiculous, in my opinion. Oski (the Cal Bear) looks like an old geezer at the retirement home. I’m not saying that to be mean, he just does. His attire is kind of out dated, and he looks like he’s ready to give you ribbon candy and send you off with a nickel so that you can buy milk from the local milkman. Yeesh.

The Stanford Tree on the other hand, well, it just looks retarded. It’s a fuckin’ tree for crying out loud. I’m surprised there aren’t any tree squatters flocking around it. Enough said.

However, forgetting the amounts of lameness that both these mascots possess, The Play in CA is proud to present to you a photo history analyzing the evolution of these mascots.

Oski the Bear

Over the years, Oski hasn't really seen much transformation. He's pretty much looked the same. However, I was able to find some pictures of various versions of Oski:

This is one of the oldest versions of Oski, and I can see why they made the change. He doesn't really look like a bear, more like a chipmunk with down syndrome. He also rates high on the creepy scale. Reminds me of one of Eric Cartman's Christmas Critters or the puppet from Saw. He'll literally kill the other team.





















Here is the Oski Cal fans know and love. Pretty lame.
























Here is the same version of Oski, except he looks even more ridiculous. Making him ride a segway does not make him cooler. It's quite the opposite. He pretty much looks like a douchy, Silicon Valley executive who was a former engineer. Makes since though, because about 80 percent of the graduating EECS majors (Electrical Engineering and Computer Science) at Cal become someone similar to this.














This isn't Oski, but this is a fuckin' bear mascot. This is how Oski should be, buff to the max and ready to kick ass. Look, he even reads Oxygen Magazine, so you know he's sensitive for all you ladies.

Stanford Tree
The Stanford Tree hasn't really changed over the years. It's not really easy to make a tree look different. However I did find some variations on google images. The funny thing is that all the trees look like they are on different drugs. You have one that's on...
























Acid.





















Weed.
















Prozac.
























Not on anything, but distributed plenty of roofies.

This Could Be You!

"True that."

As you may notice, there are only really two active bloggers here a The Play in CA, me and Ms. Automatic. You may also notice that there are two other bloggers listed, u12 and Kim Nguyen, but those two lazy asses haven’t even made a post yet! Apparently, school, work, you know, making a living, is more important than blogging. Where are their priorities??

This blog has been up for about a month so far, and I can pretty much say it’s been a blast doing so. However, there are just some days where I run out of ideas and I end up writing some really stupid blogs just for bloggings sake to keep people coming in. I am shameless.

Thus, I am reaching out to the tens and tens of The Play in CA nation in search for a few good bloggers. If you think you have the skills, then show me what you got! This is a challenge to all you kiddos who think it would be great to write your own hilarious article! Hopefully, the reason you are coming to our lovely blog is because you think the articles are great and not because you happened to stop by because of the google image search you did on Romance from I Love New York (as seen below).


So if you think you have the skills to do it, just follow these easy instructions in order to become a member of the TPIC family:

First before you send us anything, please note there are a few ground rules:

1) Your sports topics must cover sports in the area of California or things that are remotely relevant. Once in a while something off topic is okay, considering there are slow periods. Even I myself have failed to follow this rule as sometimes there just isn’t anything to cover in the sports world within California, so just don’t make it a habit.

2) Good grammar is a must. We don’t want our blog too look like it’s written by a bunch of middle school drop outs.

3) Please keep jokes somewhat tasteful. I realize this is an extremely loose rule, but let’s just say dead baby jokes and extreme racism are not cool. Mild forms are! (Just kidding)

4) Include at least one picture in each post. It gives ADD riddled readers something to look at.

So if you think you can bust a move on us, send us a sample article that you think will make us shit in our pants with laughter. Submissions can be sent to kccal31@gmail.com and I assure you I’ll get back to you pretty fast, because unlike u12 and Kim Nguyen, I pan handle my personal funds.

Hang Time with the Sacramento Kings

I was watching the Kings play the other day, and asked myself: who are they??? I couldn’t believe it: they are a completely new team, new coach, new everything….minus the arena.

Anyhow, the Kings are 5-9. Looking at the new team made me remember the days when the Kings were underdogs, then became winners, and now are again underdogs. Names such as Mitch Richmond, Wayman Tisdale, Tyus Edney, Jason Williams, Corliss Williamson, and Chris Webber came to mind. Do non-Kings fans remember these guys at all? Probably not, but that’s ok, we’ve been overlooked for a long time, and the truth is the Kings were only good for some years. Sure the aforementioned were once Sacramento gods, but they sure as heck do no good for us now.

Rick Adelman brought us to the playoffs, and it was amazing. Will we be winners without him this season and go to the playoffs? Hmmm…

Mike Bibby is still injured, so we rely on Brad Miller, Ron Artest, Kevin Martin, and Mikki Moore. Hey Mikki, GIVE US MORE!!

It’s crazy how the team has evolved. Good or bad, you be the judge. But does anyone remember the teen-sitcom ‘Hang Time’? Saturday mornings? That lonesome girl on the boys' basketball team?

I mean, Reggie Theus, you were an awesome coach for that high school team on TV, but are you going to show results with the Kings? Isn’t this the Reggie Theus more known for his partying than his b-ball playing? And now he enforces curfews on his players? Unfreakinbelievable.

As a Kings fan, I’m going to have some faith. Someone’s got to be the one to make the Kings winners again. So tonight, I drink a beer, a shot, and a mixed drink for you sir, the new face of the Sacramento Kings!


P.S.
Chris Webber was at one point one of the highest paid NBA athletes. I miss him. I know a lot of people have their problems with him, I know he was expensive as hell, and I know he was injured for a while. But dammit, Sacramento had an all-star on their team, and even if he was injured, there is morale on the team that has been lost. Thanks a lot Maloofs.

Again, I drink for you C-Webb!

Ohh..back in the day when I was young....I'm not a kid anymore.
Can someone bring those glory days back!

Niners, Raiders, and Philip Rivers Victories Mean One Thing: End of Mankind

"Yeah! Now I'm a horseman of the apocalypse, sweet!"

I know lately there has been a lot of football coverage here at TPIC, even though we are supposedly supposed to be fair and balanced (like Fox News, minus the evil) in our sports coverage. However, yesterday, something truly earth shattering happened. No, Jessica Alba didn’t do a nude scene, that tease! The Niners AND the Raiders won. How’s that for surprise endings? Also, another miracle happened, which I will only mention once and later in the article, for it might be considered taking the lord’s name in vain if I dare mention the feat twice. Today I was going to run an add asking for new bloggers, but that will have to wait for tomorrow due to the once in a lifetime impact of this event.

The day first started out like any other normal day. I got up, fed my dog, and turned on the T.V. to watch my team, the Kansas City Chiefs (how I became a Chiefs fan even puzzles me to this day) take on the Raiders. Piece of cake I thought. They were playing in Arrowhead and the Raiders haven’t beaten a divisional opponent in a while. I was expecting a full scale blow out. However, there were tell tale signs of a Raiders upset. First off, Brodie Croyle was starting. Shit. He’s young and talented, but he’s no Derek Anderson. In fact, he isn’t even a Brady Quinn, and that statement alone pretty much describes his sucktitude. It was okay though, I was still unphased, mainly because I couldn’t recall the last time the Chiefs won a game based on their air attack. Even Trent Green’s concussed air strikes paled in comparison to Priest Holmes ankle breaking (and hip breaking) runs. I was pretty confident that rookie Kolby Smith would turn the tables on the paltry Raider run defense.

I was right too, because he pretty much tore it up into shreds.

Yet, the Raiders still won. The game pretty much hinged on one Justin Fargas, who had numbers comparable to Smith. As always, Daunte Culpepper didn’t really do shit. He won the game by not fucking up, which has pretty much been the game plan for all Raiders QB’s ever since Rich Gannon left.

So the Raiders won, big whoop right? Well prepare to be blown away because the Niners won too. Yeah you heard me, the Niners actually won. Before you start rubbing your eyes, let me throw another A-bomb in your direction, they won with Trent Dilfer. Crazy. Had I said they won with Alex Smith, your mind would have blown up.

Sadly, a 424 yard game from Kurt Warner wasn’t enough, because the Niners won with one error judgment from Warner, which was a fumble in Arizona’s own end zone during overtime. That sealed the victory right there on the spot. Before that play though, Warner showed signs of the Warner of old, while Dilfer definitely did not show signs of the Dilfer of old. Had that been the case, the Niners would have lost 30 to zip while Dilfer did a commendable job with zero TD’s, one INT, and a passer rating of blandness.

The Niner offense actually looked like the offense that garnered all that preseason hype. When Alex Smith returns, get ready to flush all that down the toilet.

The two wins was not the biggest shock of the day though. The jaw dropper of the week came from the fact that the Chargers won a game with Philip Rivers actually playing as a quarterback. Yes, you are reading correctly. Rivers threw 3 TD’s and 250 yards while LT looked very much like Natrone Means on the field (that’s not a good thing, by the way). When I heard that the Chargers had won through the air, I wondered how many TD’s did LT throw this week, because it surely wasn’t Philip Rivers who threw those bullets. And then, bam, there it was on ESPN, floater after endzone floater, Rivers threw strikes. Damn. Really, that’s all I have to say, damn.

So what does this incredible weekend mean? Simple. The apocalypse is coming. Philip Rivers throwing touchdowns? More like Philip Rivers selling out Earth to Satan as the dark prince prepares for his ultimate conquering of the heavens. Were those passes really worth the fate of mankind, Philip? ………….. Yeah they were actually. Now I can safely say I have seen everything. Except Jessica Alba naked, of course. Even if hell freezes over, that will never happen. You tease!

Jetlagged............Ugh

Let's just say my jetlag was nothing like this. And who knew Jean Reno could do gay? He probably still ended up putting a hit on Juliette Binoche at the end of the movie.

The Best Way to End Lazy Week: The Crappiest Post Ever

"Ooooh, hot, tut, tut, tut.."

Hope everyone had tons of food. All that turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes probably meant tons of time on the crapper. That's okay though, now you have enough poo to make a year's supply of jenkem.

Since I myself am out in Europe spending the most American holiday ever in the most un-American place in the world, my posts have been rather half assed. This explains all the youtube posts, though that Phillip Rivers / Mystery post was made from pure blood and sweat. Today is not different, as I will pull a treasure from my days as a staff writer on my high school newspaper. Yeah, its lame, but you're probably on the crapper as we speak, so guess nothing else you do can be shittier! (Get it? What a classic pun!) Enjoy the holiday week and watch out for those soccer moms trying to get their kids a Wii. They'll kill you. No seriously, they will.

My article from high school about why Thanksgiving isn't that grand:

If Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, and Halloween is the scariest time of the year, then what is Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving, is simply the biggest time wasting, money squandering, “no one really gives thanks anymore” holiday of the year. There is nothing really that Thanksgiving offers except the killing of about half the turkeys in the United States. The day itself is a day of poorly planned entertainment. The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade is a joke. Who in the world wants to wake up at seven o’ clock in the morning to watch a bunch of useless balloons fly around New York? Some people argue that the parade symbolizes celebration, but what the parade is really about is a bunch of greedy corporations trying to promote their stores with pretty colors and hot air. Also, the parade gets boring because the balloons all look the same. The so-called wonderful, symbolic event can be summed up in three words by senior Keith Thrift, “The parade sucks.” Sleeping in is probably a better option, because the day requires a lot of digestive and emotional energy.

Then there are the football games. Actually, they are more like blowouts, because the teams who normally play opponents on Thanksgiving (the Detroit Lions and Dallas Cowboys) are two of the worst teams in the NFL. If there is going to be any scoring, it’s going to be by the other team. It may be entertaining watching the Lions lose by thirty points. So much for “America’s” teams… Then there is the absolute worst part of Thanksgiving, the dinner. The horrible torture of greeting those annoying relatives that just won’t go away, as well as my pesky cousin. At first, there are the usual reluctant hellos and phony smiles and “glad to see you’s” (which are far from true). There are also the infamous aunt and uncle comments that one must succumb to such as “Look how tall you’ve grown” and “My you’re getting so big.” These comments are as false as Michael Jackson’s nose. Then, there is the traditional dinner with a nice family “conversation.” The word conversation is misleading though because it is really criticizing, bickering, and the occasional comparing of children. Rarely are there peaceful dinners with relatives. “All the family talks about is drama that happened five years ago,” said senior Eric Simpson. Yet, it’s understandable, because what is there to talk about…the parade? (That subject has already been explained.)

In the end, the real meaning of Thanksgiving is never appreciated. It should be a holiday about family togetherness and being thankful. However, nowadays, it’s more about the near extinction of turkeys, wasted helium, and being thankful when it’s over.

(Damn I was an even more god awful writer back then than I am today)

USC vs ASU In HD Photos

Yesterday, USC destroyed ASU by a whopping 44-24 difference. This pretty much launches the team back into the Rose Bowl picture. Since this is the lazy week, we decided to just show you some photos that would help explain how the game went.

"This photo isn't darker because of the clouds, it's from the ominous color of evil."

"God I wish I was still in this uniform."

"Guess who's not getting any today? Me!!!!"

"Wake up Dennis, you have a game to coach!"

"Time to show Phillip Rivers who Mystery REALLY should have chosen."

"For the last time, yes, we really were that over rated!"

Happy Thanksgiving! (Bas Rutten Style)

Thanksgiving is a time of peace and family. It's a time to spend time with loved ones and simply enjoy their company. That's why The Play in CA will not have a satirical, mean spirited post in observation of this time. We feel it's un-American on this day of thanks to write some silly first person diatribe from Ron Artest, or compare the current state of the Sharks to human feces. Instead, we'd just like to leave you this simple message.... HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!
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.............................................. just kidding. Here are some bar fighting tips from Bas Rutten instead.

Phillip Rivers Reacts to Being Named Douche of the Week/Month

"Yeahhhhhhhh baby."

Phillip Rivers: When I found out that I was receiving the douchebag award from The Play in CA, I was thrilled. It takes a lot of time, practice, and Axe spray for a guy to reach such a high level of douchiness. There's just so many douches out there in the world that it's sometimes hard to stand out as douche numero uno. I should know because I live near LA.

There's a lot of people on my list that I need to thank who help me become the douche that I am today. First, I would like to start off with Mystery, who made me realized that I should not be embarrassed by my douchiness, but rather, I should embrace it for what it's worth. Some people, aka loser assholes who go on Youtube and bitch about how they're great at Guitar Hero, think that being a douche is a bad thing. I myself was ashamed that I was a douche, so ashamed that I kept it in the closet, but now, thanks to you Mystery, no longer will I hide what I am. Thanks man! I'll buy you an Appletini later, man.


Mystery: No problem Phil! After the Appletini, let's be sure to open some sets in order for us to show that we are the alpha males around here. It'll get us some poon for sure.

PR: Fa sho! Next up, I would like to thank North Carolina State. This is the school where my ripe mind was transformed from your mild mannered, jock douche, into a full blown, ass tappin super douche. If it wasn't for the good old NCST, I don't think I could have ever received this award. There, I was able to focus on bringing out the inner douche within. I guess it was the people there, really, that allowed me to do this. After all, when I started at NC St, I was a little fish in a big pond, competing with mega douches from all around the country. If I wanted to be the king of kings in that doucheland, I had to step up my game. Thankfully, I did. So here's one to you Wolfpack Nation!


Wolfpack Nation: Yeah! We love you too, Phil!

PR: Next on my list are the Jacksonville Jaguars. Thanks for handily whooping our asses. I mean, if I had thrown 3 TD passes and no INT's, would I have gotten this award? I think not! Thanks to your stifling defense, I really sucked ass, which in turn gave me the opportunity to receive this awesome accolade. Thanks!


Jags: No problem, Phil. Anytime you need us to deliver another smackdown on your candy ass, just call us. We'll be there. God bless you, man.

PR: No Problem, and God bless you too! Finally, there is one more person left on my list that I need to thank. We've had our ups and downs, but he still has a special place in my heart. LaDanian, come up here and accept this award with me!


LT: Nah man, I'm cool.

PR: No man, don't worry, it's cool! Security said they'll let you come up. Don't be shy!

LT: Nah man, really, it's cool.

PR: Aww c'mon, LT! Just come up! I thought we were like this. (crosses fingers)

LT: Nah man, we ain't. I'm just gonna get myself up out of here now. (Leaves)

PR: Hey man! What are you doing?!?! YOU DON'T WALK AWAY FROM PHILLIP RIVERS. NO ONE DOES. COME BACK HERE I SAY! COME BACK!

Audience looks shocked.

PR: Oh, my bad guys. It's just been a pretty crazy week. My future plans include building up my douchiness to super levels. Maybe I can even make it to Zach Braff status. But yeah, that concludes my speech. I'd just like to thank everyone who supported me and if I didn't call out your name, then just know you still have a place in my heart. Except LT, that guy is a total douche.

A Side of Fries and a Slam Dunk Please!

Today is the lazy post everyone, so enjoy this clip of B-Diddy serving people at Mickey D's!

Mystery the Pick Up Artist Presents the 'Mystery Douche of the Week/Month' Award

"Here's a tip you: black nail polish brings in the ladies like moths to a lightbulb."

Hi everyone, Mystery is here on The Play in CA. When the blog asked me to make a post, I thought to myself, why the hell would I do that? Sports are very manly, and from my own experience, acting manly gets you no where with women. Just look at me. Do I look anything like a an athlete to you? No. Instead, I choose to dress like a skanky DJ at the newest gay bar this side of West Hollywood, and let me tell you something, two minutes ago, I totally scored with this hottie that I was able to pick up in the women's section of Hollister. Nothing is sexier to women than a guy who knows how to wear a cowboy hat and headphones.

"Why are you here then?" you may be asking. Well, it's quite simple. After opening many different "sets" (conversations for you uneducated, sex starved simpletons), my opening topics are starting to run dry. I think women may be catching on to my ways, those sneaky little whores. That's why I'm trying to expand my experiences, so I can open up a whole new world of conversation. I can't talk about fake fights that happened outside all the time. I need to start broadening my knowledge, because females are smarter than I anticipated. That's why have to catch up with current events. CNN, ESPN, Nickelodeon, you name it. This sports blog is just one of the many resources I intend to pull from.

I suppose if this experiment doesn't work, then I can just always go back to using my classic "negs" (negative comments), because even though there are tons of women who are getting smarter by the minute, there will ALWAYS be tons of women who have low enough self esteem to where insulting is actually attractive to them. It's like shooting fish in a barrel.

Some of you readers may be wondering, though, why are you presenting a 'Douche of the Week/Month' award? Isn't that a bad thing? Well, let me tell you something Mr. I Don't Get Laid as Often as Mystery, women like douchebags. Take me for example. Do you think I actually enjoy wearing top hats and all this sissy jewelery? Hell no. Do you think I like to insult women and act like a total dick at clubs? Nope. But don't you notice the hottest chick in the bar is always with a total douche? Well guess what that chick is at the bar, and she's here with me. If being the biggest douche in the universe means I'm going to get laid, then so be it, because I'm just that desperate. It make look dickish, but women like that stuff. That's why my methods work. Well my methods don't work on real women. You know, a girl with confidence, values, and morals, but who the hell wants that anyway? Not me. A girl with a brain is not the type of chick I want.

So here I am, ready to present to you the Mystery Douche of the Week.......Phillip Rivers!

Two pics, a loss to the Jags, and bitching about every play makes you the douche of the week. Now that you're such a big douche, you'll be able to bang any girl out there with a tramp stamp. Congratulations.

The Semi Grand Finale: Pac-10 College Basketball Preview

"I really should learn how to use Photoshop."

Well, we’re here, finally getting to the Pac-10 conference, the last conference in the special college basketball preview that The Play in the CA has prepared for its avid five or six readers. Yay. When I first started these previews, we went slow, starting off with the Big West conference. I had promised that it would build up in the end to an orgasmic finish that would be an explosive Pac-10 conclusion. I also stated that hopefully things would not become anti climactic. Well guess what? It did. Quite frankly, doing all these basketball previews has made me lose any interest I may have in college basketball for at least until next March. There won’t be anything that will want me to get near analyzing a college basketball game unless it is for a dreaded “filler” post. Filler posts are posts I just put up for the sake of updating the blog, but they often aren’t that humorous. There seems to be quite a bit of those too lately, and for that I apologize. In lament terms, the last few entries have been kind of shitty.

I think the problem was that I started off with the teams no one really cares about. I mean, c’mon, Pepperdine? CSU-Fullerton? Riverside? University of San Francisco? Shit, what was I thinking?!? At first it made sense to go in this order. I mean, why would you want to start strong and then finish things off weak. Had I started with the most powerful conferences, the mid major posts would have been easy candidates for filler posts. And I must say, I think that many of the small conference previews were anything but filler posts. I though a lot of them were decent. So in the end, it seemed like a good idea. Then again, having your buddy riding on the hood of your car in order to practice the lost sport of “car surfing” also seems like a good idea, that is until your buddy falls off like a jackass and gets hurt (I don’t see what the big idea is though, it’s only a broken leg).

Perhaps things would have gone according to plan had I not gotten worn down, but college basketball can be so boring when money isn’t involved! In fact, a lot of sports are without the cha ching as a motivation factor. The only sport that is remotely fun to watch is NASCAR, because you kind think it’d be cool to see a crash, as long as no one dies. I’m kidding. NASCAR is a snooze fest. If I want to see a bunch of cars race to the death with disregard for their fellow driver, I’ll just check out highway 101 during rush hours.

So here it is kids, the Pac-10 preview that is finishing off as a dud. Feel free to punch yourself in the face afterwards.

California: Last year I thought Cal had a shot, I really did. I mean sure we had lost Powe, but we had a new guy in Ryan Anderson and Devon Hardin was sure to step it up. I had it all planned out in my mind, we just needed an upset win over UCLA and maybe Oregon, and we were solid gold. We got that upset against Oregon, but that’s about all we did. Even after loss after loss, I still though that it was possible to make it to the tournament. Yeah I was smokin’ some rocks.

Then Cal goes and upsets UCLA in the Pac-10 Tournament and gives me a glimmer of hope. I thought if we beat UCLA, surely we’ll have a chance against Oregon in the next round. Guess what? We didn’t. Fuck.

Thus, to protect myself from further disappointment, I am just going to go through the season thinking every game is going to be a big fat L. That way, when they win, it will be a mild surprise. Hell, even if I thought they were going to win, it still would have been a surprise to see them actually do it.

Predicted Standing in the Pac-10: 8^th out of 10.
Predicted amount of wins: 15
Strengths: Diversity (they have two Asian basketball players)
Weakness: They have two Asian basketball players
Tourney bid? Time to smoke some more rocks again

Stanford: If you’ve been following Stanford basketball, then you probably know the story about the Lopez twins. Brook and Robin Lopez are back. Now, a look at their names would make one think that the Stanford basketball team has two hot girls playing on it. I assure you though, Brooke and Robin are two men who do not look like girls. They do however play like girls. The thing I always found funny about that though was that ESPN has predicted Brook (or was it Robin) to be taken in the first round of the upcoming NBA Draft. They’re freakin’ identical twins with the same body, same upbringing, and same 90 IQ. How could one be better than the other? I’m pretty sure it was Brook, because he has a wikipedia entry, while Robin has a dreaded red highlighted entry, which signifies that you are a loser.

Brook has a strong game. He can score inside, he can rebound, he can play defense. Unfortunately, there is one glaring flaw that he possesses: he is a dumbass. As of right now, he is academically ineligible. Geez. I remember going to school thinking that one really has to try hard to fail a class. I mean you really have to put an all star effort if you want to flunk out. If you go to lecture and only retain 5 percent of what you hear, you’ll get a C- probably, as long as you turn in your homework. I’m surprised Brook couldn’t even do the minimums. I’m even more surprised that Stanford hasn’t used their money to produce some kind of leeway for him.

Predicted Standing in the Pac-10: 6^th out of 10.
Predicted amount of wins: 20
Strengths: Wonder twin powers can activate
Weakness: The bell curve
Tourney bid? Depends on the semester report card

USC: Four syllables pretty much sum it up for USC: O.J. fuckin’ Mayo. Okay it’s really six if you count the fuckin. The season pretty much hinges on this kid, and to be honest, he’s not a bad candidate if you have to count on one person. I think he’s the real. Some people are doubtful of his skills, but those people are assholes. They’ll be quick to point out that USC lost to Mercer but not all teams start off so fast. Remember Oral Roberts beating Kansas last year? Well how did that turn out? Told you those people are assholes.

Sometimes I imagine that O.J Mayo must have a grand old time talking smack on the court. In fact, I think it’d be awesome if, after nailing a glass shattering dunk, he would say “I just gave you a taste of O.J. Later, you’re gonna get some Mayo along with the slamwich I just served you….. bitch.” Awesome.

Predicted Standing in the Pac-10: 4th out of 10.
Predicted amount of wins: 24
Strengths: Mayo
Weakness: Possible injury
Tourney bid? Yeah

UCLA: We finally arrive at the grandest belle of the ball. Seriously, I am looking forward to UCLA unloading multi canned platters of ass whooping across the nation. Collison, Aboya, Shipp, it’s all good. They’ll cruise their way on to the big dance, probably with a number one seed in the works. The only probably is winning that national title.

I can’t really say much on UCLA’s situation. The way things are going now, they look like they’re going to be the college basketball version of the Buffalo Bills. They need to show they’re the team that can go all the way. They need to learn how to deliver in the clutch. The main point is they need to stop playing like a bunch of pussies when it’s time to shine. The end.

Predicted Standing in the Pac-10: 1^st out of 10.
Predicted amount of wins: 27
Strengths: Everything
Weakness: Florida
Tourney bid? Fa sho

Final Pac-10 predictions:

1) UCLA
2) Oregon
3) Wash St
4) USC
5) Arizona
6) Stanford
7) Washington
8) Cal
9) Oregon St
10) Arizona St

Barry Bonds In: Prison Break

When I visited ESPN, it was there on the front page: Barry bonds, indicted! Unbelievable. Well okay, very believable. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, Barry is getting indicted for charges of perjury and obstruction of justice. Ouch. Guess there’s going to be even more next to that little asterisk for his home run record in the hall of fame.

New sources state that if convicted, Barry can face up to 30 years in prison. I’m pretty sure the “prison” he’ll be going to will be nothing like the prisons you see on MSNBC specials like Locked Up. In fact, he’ll probably go to a nice cushy prison where he can play (and maybe juice up for) the prison softball team. It’ll be like a baseball version of the Longest Yard (the Burt Reynolds version, not the Adam Sandler one). Yet, one might wonder what would happen if he did end up in a state prison. Being the sly SOB that I am, I would imagine it like an episode of Prison Break (from the first season, when it was good, and not from the season after, when it became crappy). So let’s see what happens if Barry enters the world of Fox River State:

The scene starts at the lunch room with Michael talking to Lincoln

Lincoln: You think this plan is really going to work?

Michael: It has to, it’s our only way for you to avoid the execution.

Lincoln: There’s no point though if we die trying. I mean what if we get caught in the process. Besides, there are a lot of people we can’t trust, like T-Bag

Michael: Yeah, I know. But we had to include him or else he would have snitched to everyone. That would have blown everything.

Lincoln: Still, he can’t be trusted at all.

Michael: I totally agree with you. That’s why I decided to make the Fox River Eight into the Fox River Nine.

Lincoln: Someone else is going to join us?

Michael: Yeah.

Lincoln: That sounds even riskier than before.

Michael: Well it’s my plan Lincoln. Let me remind you that we’re only in this mess because of you. If you want out you’re going to listen to me.

Lincoln: Fine:

In walks in Tweener

Tweener: W’sup bros.

Michael: Go away Tweener.

Tweener: Dude, don’t worry Mikey, you know I’m cool about the whole plan.

Michael: Seriously, Tweener, go away.

Tweener: How you gonna dis me like that brah?

Lincoln: He said go away.

Tweener: Aight, aight, fine dudes. I’ll catch ya later.

Exits Tweener

Lincoln: I can’t believe he’s mixed up in this too.

Michael: Yeah I know, but it’s okay. It’s not like he’s going to tell Bellick or anything.

Lincoln: We’ll see about that, so what about this new guy? What use is he?

Michael: Well, you told me you were worried about T-Bag right?

Lincoln: Yeah.

Michael: I was worried too, that’s why I decided to hire some extra muscle for us. Let’s just say he’ll be our personal bodyguard on the break.

Lincoln: Who is he?

Michael: A guy from San Francisco. Big guy. You know Bane from Batman? Think of him. I’ll call him over right now. Hey Barry!

Enter Barry Bonds

Lincoln: Hey, name’s Lincoln.

Barry: Hey, I’m Barry.

Lincoln: So Michael tells me you’d be good to protect us.

Barry: I don’t really want to discuss this information right now.

Lincoln: Huh?

Barry: I just don’t want to answer the question.

Michael: I forgot to mention that Barry isn’t to fond of the media.

Lincoln: But I’m not the media. I don’t even have a mic or camera.

Michael: In his mind you do.

Lincoln: Okay. Well Barry, can we trust you as a member of the Fox River Eight?

Barry: Listen, when I’m out there playing the game, I’ll deliver. Even if that game has changed from hitting baseballs to hitting T-Bag’s balls. After the game though, I like to keep my business personal.

Lincoln: But in order for us to work together, we’re going to need you to communicate.

Barry: I’ll discuss what I want to discuss when I want to discuss it, all right?

Lincoln: That’s not going to work.

Barry: Well that’s how I do it. You can either take it or leave it. It’s not my obligation to sit here and answer your questions.

Lincoln: Okay, I guess we’ll adjust. One question though, what are you here for?

Barry: This interview is over.

Barry walks away

Lincoln: That guy's is a real dick.

Michael: True, but he’s one of the greatest scrotum hitters that the game has ever seen.

Don Nelson Reacts to the Warriors Winless Start

"Grumble"

After blowing a 22 point lead yesterday to the hands of the Detroit Pistons, the Warriors are the only winless team in the NBA. Damn. I still believed, and this is what happens. If the Warriors prove anything, it’s that it’s tough to be a Warriors fan. Our fans are blown through the roof with just a playoff birth. Getting the number 8 seed for a Warriors fan is like finding out that God does exist. Meanwhile, other asshole teams get all the glory. Let’s take the Phoenix Suns. They were kind of like us for a while, never really going anywhere and just hoping for a low playoff spot. Then all of a sudden here comes along Steve Nash, and boom they are contenders every year. In Oakland, for one, small glimmering moment we had our glory, and now it’s flushed away like a metaphorical golden crap in a metaphorical toilet. Shit. Pun intended.

What happened though? Obviously, the key missing element from last year’s team is Jason Richardson. We sorely miss him, considering he is kicking great amounts of ass out in Charlotte. The Warriors are still good enough to make a playoff run though, so there are still a lot of questions being raised in the Bay Area, and who better to answer them then god old Don Nelson himself. Fortunately for us, our blog has such superstardom blog power, with our average of 40 hits a day and what not, that he was able to grant us an exclusive interview explaining the Warriors decline. Here is our transcript:

For those of you who don’t know by the way, in all his interviews, Don Nelson always sounds like he’s just had a terrible hangover, so try to imagine a graggly, recovering alcoholic tone when reading the interview. Imagine a guy talking but with a lot of low key mumbling and slurred speech.

The Play in CA: Hi coach.

Don Nelson: Hi, how are you doing?

TPIC: Good, and yourself?

DN: Good.

TPIC: Let’s start with yesterday’s game. What happened? How was it that Detroit was able to come back from such a deficit?

DN: Well you see, Rasheed Wallace …(grumble)… too many points …(grumble)… fourth quarter…(grumble)…

TPIC: Um, can you repeat that again coach, I didn’t quite hear everything.

DN: Damnit, pay attention. I said Rasheed Wallace …(grumble)… too many points …(grumble)… fourth quarter…(grumble)…

TPIC: Um, okay, lets move on to other topics. Do you think the departure of Jason Richardson has hurt the team that badly?

DN: Richardson was a great guy, no doubt about it. However, we needed a young …(grumble)… Wright …(grumble)… rookie …(grumble)… future …(grumble)… Dallas blows …(grumble)…

TPIC: Um, sorry again coach, I couldn’t hear all of that. Can you repeat that again?

DN: You need better ears son, I said we needed a young …(grumble)…Wright …(grumble)… mistake …(grumble)… should have kept J-Rich …(grumble)… Dallas still blows …(grumble)…

TPIC: Um okay. Do you mind if I paraphrase you since we appear to have a communication problem?

DN: Fuck you.

TPIC: Okay. My mistake. How do you feel about Stephen Jackson returning?

DN: Good kid. He’s our captain for a reason …(grumble)… natural leader …(grumble)… crap …(grumble)… Warriors screwed …(grumble)…

TPIC: I see. What about Monta Ellis? Do you think he’s stepping up from his amazing season last year?

DN: There’s always room for improvement …(grumble)… high schooler …(grumble)…

TPIC: And what about Biedrins?

DN: White guy …(grumble)… nice hair …(grumble)…

TPIC: I see. Do you think your team will improve in the next few games?

DN: No …(grumble)… shit …(grumble)…

TPIC: Okay. Do you have any closing comments?

DN: …(grumble)… …(grumble)… …(grumble)… I believe …(grumble)…

Web Traffic Boost (WAC College Basketball Preview)

Yesterday, the Play in CA noticed a significant drop in web traffic, causing some confusion as to why this was. Were the articles not funny? Was the topic not as relevant? Do we have B.O? It’s safe to say that none of the above are true (well maybe the B.O. thing). I also noticed last week, the web traffic was way up, and once again I wondered why. Then I realized, around last week, I made a post about Heather the F--- the Eagles Girl. So, is that what you guys want? No more hilarious articles about a pissed off Marty Schotty or the adventures of Jimmy Harbaugh. You just want some gratuitous eye candy to gawk at. Did the articles not teach you about life and how to be better men? Fine. If bootay is what you want, then that’s what you’ll get.

Just kidding. I don’t want this fine blog to turn into Maxim all of a sudden. Or do I? Either way, I’ll try to please both the honorable and the horny.

I planned to post a pic or two of the cheerleaders in the WAC to fit with the WAC basketball preview, but my search failed on google. Does the WAC not have cheerleaders?? I’m not sure. Thus, I’ll post something everyone likes, Laker Girls. Enjoy!

Today’s Preview: WAC

There are only two teams from California in the WAC, so this “preview” won’t be that extensive. Also, the two teams kind of stink.

San Jose State: What can I really say about San Jose State? It’ll be a long shot for them to win more than 10 games this year, not because of their players really, but more because of history. History tells me that San Jose State has not really excelled at neither of the two big sports: basketball and football. Thus, I’ll tell you a little anecdote relating to the school in the South Bay.

My dad went to San Jose State, and every once in a while, he’ll jest that San Jose State has a fine sporting tradition while my alma mater, Cal, has a history of disappointment. He’ll be quick to point out Cal’s horrible run defense and the fact that they went from #2 to unranked. He’ll also be quick to point out San Jose State’s one standout football player (James Jones of Green Bay), while he’ll bash Tony Gonzalez, Aaron Rodgers, and anyone else. When San Jose State ALMOST beat Hawaii, he gloated for days. Yeeesh! Key word, ALMOST.

But that’s what my dad does. I’m a Chiefs fan, and one time he read an article in the San Jose Mercury News that called the Chiefs a “doormat” team. He uses that insult to this day, constantly asking how my doormat team is doing. What I forgot to mention though was that the article he read was published TWELVE years ago, yet he continues to find that joke so hilarious to this day. Goddamnit.

Predicted Standing in the WAC: 8th out 9.
Predicted amount of wins: 10
Strengths: My dad's optimism
Weakness: My cynicism
Tourney bid? Sorry

Fresno State: The Dogs have an outside shot to make the tournament. If Kevin Bell can step up his game, then the Dogs are good to go. It’s tough to have your team riding on the shoulders of one man though. Fresno State also loss the forces of Quinton Hosley and Dominic McGuire. However, with many starters becoming seniors, they’ll fill in the gaps. The only worry they’ll have should be from Utah State and Nevada. And maybe David Carr.

Predicted Standing in the WAC: 3rd out 9.
Predicted amount of wins: 21
Strengths: Seniors
Weakness: They're just run of the mill
Tourney bid? Maybe

Coming soon.........PAC 10!!

California is Great

"Happy now?"

After a few weeks of existence, The Play in CA has gone through quite a number of topics. There was Torre’s deal, some college football updates, and of course the many college bball previews thus far. However, some people have been throwing a few complaints that we’ve been a bit too scathing of several sports teams here in the Golden State considering we’re a blog covering them.

For those people I have a few statements:
1) Fuck Off
2) Fuck Off
3) They wouldn’t be so scathing if the teams didn’t suck so much right now
4) This is a sports HUMOR blog, so naturally sarcasm will run rampant
5) Not every thing has been that scathing, some entries even rather supportive
6) Fuck Off

But being the ambassador of peace that I am, I’ve decided that I’ll try to appease the masses by doing a somewhat pussified run through of what makes some California teams great. I’m such a sell out.

Colleges

UCLA Bruins – The basketball team helps you forget about the shitty football team.

Stanford Cardinal – This guy is the coach, and he reeks of awesomeness.

USC Trojans – Lil Romeo might play for your basketball team. In other news, the Master P
Campus Library will be opened soon.

Cal Bears – Kyle Boller doesn’t play for you anymore.

San Jose State Spartans – They actually win games now.

MLB

San Diego Padres – It’s the off season, so I can’t really say anything good or bad.

Los Angeles Dodgers – TORRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oakland A’s – Look forward to an awesome new stadium. And look forward to an awesome team. Actually, strike that.

San Francisco Giants – Barry Bonds says he won’t visit the hall of fame if there’s an asterisk next to his home run record. Is an asterisk next to the ball for being an asshole better instead?

NBA

Golden State Warriors – I still believe!

Sacramento Kings – At least Ron Artest doesn’t make rap albums or punch Detroit Piston fans in the face anymore

Los Angeles Lakers – Kobe won’t get traded. Now I’m being too nice.

Los Angeles Clippers – Frankie Muniz is their biggest fan. That’s good right?

NHL

San Jose Sharks – Sharkie kicks ass.

Los Angeles Kings – They have hot fans.

Anaheim Mighty Ducks – Two words: Gordon Bombay.

NFL

San Francisco 49ers – Mike Nolan’s father passed away. I’m not going to say anything else, because I’ll go to hell for it.



San Diego Chargers – This photo says it all.

Oakland Raiders – They………. I just can’t do it, they suck!

Okay, okay, so not all of those “positive” comments were that positive. I’ll say it before and I’ll say it again, fuck off. But um, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease come back tomorrow. I promise I’ll be nicer.

Kyle Boller at His Best

Before Kyle Boller was drafted from Cal by the Baltimore Ravens, he was able to throw a football 70 yds FROM HIS KNEES at full velocity. Now, he's known as the guy who can throw 70 inches at full velocity. Congrats, Kyle, on your new record.

A Day for the Vets (WCC Preview Part 2)

"I went to war for this?!?!"

Happy Veteran’s Day! Um, wait, actually, not so happy Veteran’s Day. Let’s face it, Veteran’s Day isn’t really the most joyous holiday. In fact, in terms of grim and morbid holidays, it’s right up there with Halloween and Christmas (for balding, single, forty year old men). Usually, holidays are enjoyed by people not because of the actual event being celebrated, but because it’s an excuse to get a day off and party our asses off. But it’s hard to get into the partying mood when TV stations play 24 hour loops of Saving Private Ryan. Watching people’s arms getting blown off and taking shots to the head doesn’t really make me want to get together with some friends and bust out a bottle of bubbly.

But as stated before, at least I thought well at least I get a day off. That’s when I was shocked, and that’s an understatement, to find out that not everyone gets a day off on Veteran’s Day. I just assumed that since it was a government type deal, everyone gets to sleep in and take it easy. Not so true, as I found out when I talked to my dad about it:

Me: “So what are you doing for the 3-day weekend?”
Dad: “What 3-day weekend?”
Me: “You know, for Veteran’s Day.”
Dad: “Oh, we don’t get that day off.”
Me: “Really? I thought everyone gets it off.”
Dad: “Nope.”
Me: “So you’re going to work on Monday than?”
Dad: “No shit. I just told you I don’t get that day off. Stop being stupid, boy.”

And people wonder where I get my sarcastic personality from.

So after I had that little talk with my dad, I thought, well that sucks for the Veterans. It’s kind of like saying, “Hey, thanks for sacrificing your life for the old US of A, so we’re going to award you a holiday in your honor. But um, yeah, it’s not going to be a real holiday, because, um, not everyone is going to get the day off. I guess you’re not that important to them.”

You know what else isn’t a real holiday? Columbus Day. So that’s pretty much putting Veteran’s Day on the same tier as Columbus Day. Wait… really? So on one side we’re honoring a bunch of bad asses who took shrapnel to the chest in order to protect our country’s freedom, and on the other side we’re celebrating an asshole tyrant explorer who’s shining achievement is “discovering” the Americas, and then basically shitting all over his discovery and the people who lived on it. Fuck.

I have the perfect resolution for this though: give us Columbus Day off too. I remember in grade school we wouldn’t have to go to school on Columbus Day. What happened to that? Now, we just skip it, just like how some people skip the day for the Vets. Well, I think we should get our Columbus Day back because in that case, we can get every shitty holiday off! Groundhog’s Day, Friendship Day, even Boxing Day. For those of you who don’t know what Boxing Day, it’s a Canadian holiday, explained here. I would rather like to think it’s a day where you get to wear boxing gloves and sock the people who gave you bad presents for Christmas square in the nuts. Either version of Boxing Day still warrants a paid holiday though.

Well I guess we shouldn’t dwell on that, and just pay our tribute to the Veterans of past lore. In fact, did you know that about 90 percent of all Veterans love to watch WCC and WAC basketball? I shit you not. You want to know where I’m getting this statistic from? From Larry, the hilarious 50 year old stoner that used to occupy the basement in my old apartment. You get ‘em Larry, and keep filling Wikipedia with the fountain of knowledge that pours from your mind everyday.

WCC Part 2:

St. Mary’s: Over the past few years, St. Mary’s has been relatively close to conquering the giant known as Gonzaga basketball. The keyword here though is close. This year, look for Diamon Simpson to be a block machine! He has a total of 172 blocks in the WCC, which is a record in the conference. The Gaels also earned themselves a bid back in 2006, and are likely thinking about returning to fighting form after missing it last year. Expect to see some angry private school kids hit the court.

Predicted Standing in the WCC: 3rd out 8.
Predicted amount of wins: 20
Strengths: Religious school
Weakness: Gets confused with all the other saint schools
Tourney bid? It’s a draw.

San Francisco: I feel bad for USF, really. They have the weight of one of the biggest cities on their shoulders, and they are constantly fucking things up. They’re not at all like their big bad cousins from the south, UCLA. They’re more like their measly other cousin from the south, San Jose State. What a bunch of losers.

It must even suck more to know that you had one of the greatest in Bill Russell, and now you can’t produce jack shit. Fantastic. You’d figure San Francisco itself would be a huge recruiting draw because of the location and big Bill. I guess not. This year look for another downer. Sorry San Francisco, at least you have the 49ers. Oh wait, strike that.

Predicted Standing in the WCC: 4th out 8.
Predicted amount of wins: 16
Strengths: Former school of Bill Russell
Weakness: From San Francisco
Tourney bid? Nuh-uh

Conference Predictions:
1) Gonzaga - x
2) Santa Clara - x
3) St. Mary's
4) San Francisco
5) Portland
6) LMU
7) Pepperdine
8) San Diego

Next up, the WAC attack!

Paul Brogan Raps About Kobe

Hi Everyone.

This is a homemade rap that one Seattle Supersonics fan, Paul Brogan, has freestyled. It's subject matter includes Dirk, Mr. Nash, and one Kobe Bryant. I found it hilarious. Enjoy!

I especially found it hilarious how he said "Hit it!" to an unknown DJ, and then proceeds to press play. Classic.

Someone Save This Man!

"See the resemblance?"

I’ve been a fan of The Office since the beginning, even when Steve Carell was just known as the guy from the Daily Show and NBC almost pulled the plug on the show. When it first came out, I thought it was one of the funniest shows I’ve seen in a long time. In fact, I think it’s still one of the funniest shows on right now. However, after watching the past few weeks, I couldn’t help notice the quality of the show has gone down just a tiny notch. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still fun to watch, it’s just that some of the adventures and plots have been a little farfetched. I mean, c’mon, Michael going out into the woods? Michael going in debt one week and then the next week no mention of it? Some people think the show jumped the shark once Jim and Pam got together. I disagree, because I find their new romance quite charming. Sure, Jim is still somewhat dickless when I saw him running away from Karen, I thought, he’s witty, but where are his balls? I do like Pam’s new found confidence. No more awkward stares during those talking head interviews. Good for you Pam.

Thus, after thinking of some of the gripes I had with the show, I came to the conclusion of why the show hasn’t been up to full speed. Michael Scott is getting more brain dead by the minute. Remember in past years when he was able to close that sale with the client at Chili’s? Or remember when he was able to win the affection of not one, but two desperate middle aged women? He was even able to close a deal after he had gone into pretzel coma. What the hell happened to that guy? Instead, we’re treated to Michael trying to steal corporate printers and running away on trains? Too quote my friend Gob here, aww, C’mon!

Michael is suffering from what I call Homer Simpson syndrome. As many Simpson fans will notice, over the years, Homer Simpson seems to get dumber in dumber. Many comedy writers often make their main character less credible so it allows the character to get into more ridiculous situations once the writers’ ideas start running out. Does this mean that Michael will start getting hallucinations of creepy Ray Ramano – type roofers? God I hope not.

So how does this relate to the sports scene here in California? Simple. There are two men right now who are also suffering from Homer Simpson syndrome: Karl Dorrell and Mike Nolan.

Each coach seems to get more boneheaded every week. And Mike, just because you wear a suit doesn’t mean it raises your IQ. Dumbass.

5 Reasons to Watch the USC at Cal Game, I'm Serious!

Tomorrow is the game that was supposed to make the National Championship picture a little clearer. Now it’s turned into the game that will make the Sun Bowl picture a little clearer. Yay. The USC – Cal game feels like back in the day when you had a copy Street Fighter II on SNES. You played the game over and over and gained a liking to it, which is kind of like the USC – Cal game over the last few years. After a while, I’ve gained a liking to them too. Then you heard about Street Fighter II Turbo coming out to a console near you. So you wait and wait and wait, and finally you get your chubby little hands on SNES dynamite. Your excitement goes through the roof, and when you finally press start, choose Ryu, and enter your first match, you realize it’s the same fucking game. Shit! That’s how I feel like it is this year.

The past two years, this game builds orgasmic hype, but finally when it gets time for the teams to play, it’s excitement reaches an abrupt halt, usually because Cal comes into the game reeling from a few “what could have been” losses. It’s like that again this year. So why do Cal fans look forward to this yearly festival of Southern Californian ass whoopery? Well for one of two reasons: A) it’s nice to relive the glory days of 2003 (as seen above), and B) you don’t want to miss the opportunity to see it again. Back when Bush and Leinart were still at USC, I had a hidden third reason to look forward to the game. In the event that we did upset USC, I would rush on the field not to shake our own players’ hands in a fist pumping celebration, but to run and try and get Bush’s and Leinart’s autograph. I even had an idea of how I would do it:

Me: Hey Matt, tough loss, we totally kicked your ass.

Matt: Uh, thanks.

Me: Yeah, it’s cool though. How’s Brynn doing?

Matt: Um.

Me: Oh, that’s cool too. Anyway, I was just wondering if I could get an autograph from you.

Matt: Um, sure I guess.

Me: Great! Here’s a hat for you to sign.

Matt: Um, this is a Cal hat, guy.

Me: Oh I know. Don’t worry about it, though. After you sign it, I’ll just spray paint some parts red and put a USC sticker in front of the Cal logo.

Matt: Um.

Me: Can you also call up Reggie too see if he can hook me up with a place down in LA next week? My friend is turning 21 and I want to throw a totally rad party in his honor. You guys are invited too.

Matt: I have to go now…

I’m sure in real life it would be less awkward.

Sadly, Matt and Reggie are gone. You may ask yourself “I’m not a Cal or USC fan, I’m a UCLA fan (Ha!). Why should I care about his game?” Well, sir, I’m glad you asked. I’ve conveniently made a list of 5 reasons on why you should give a crap about the game. Enjoy!

5) Aaron Rodgers might comeback and takes the field after realizing his only chance to play football again is to either have Brett Favre assassinated or to suit up for Cal despite his ineligibility. The next day, Tedford finds the best lawyers in the United States to try to get him back.

4) Because you can either watch the game or the Animal Planet Dog Championship. Looks like Animal Planet is going to get a ratings boost.

3) USC fans may have money versus feces fight against Oak Tree Protesters.

2) Because it will be a good game. Just kidding.

1) If Cal wins, I get to storm the field and get... uh... hmmm… John David Booty’s autograph. Aww shit.

Preview Time: WCC Basketball, Pizzart 1

"You down with WCC? Yeah, you know me!"

Before I go on with the preview of the WCC, I have a small bone to pick with people who don’t know elevator etiquette.

Over the weekend, I got on an elevator pretty much filled to the brim with people, all of whom were headed to the ground floor. The elevator was in “uncomfortable polite” mode, meaning they were polite to be polite, but in reality they wanted to know who just laid a silent but deadly fart in the elevator. I tend to think it was the fattest person in the elevator, because usually it’s true! Also, I rule out women as the perp who laid the stinky stuff, which is VERY untrue. One time I was hanging with a friend and she squeaked by some gas. I was so shocked that for a moment I thought that I was the one who passed it.

In the elevator, I felt like we were cattle, smells included, and once we headed those shiny silver doors opened, we would flood out of the doors. Except we were headed to lunch, not the slaughter house. In a sense this analogy comes full circle because we head out of the doors to eat them, while they come out of the doors to get eaten by us! Wow, I’m one crafty bastard.

Anyway, back to the story.

We were all waiting patiently to hit the ground floor when all of the sudden it stopped, which was no big deal. In walked a lady who was yammering away on her cell phone, which was also no big deal. But then, when I decided that everything was no big deal, she pushed the elevator button to travel one floor below. What. The. Fuck. Now I understand if you have polio or one leg or something and you have to travel a floor below. That’s not a problem. But when you decide that you’re going to be an asshole and tie a room full of people who are hurrying to get off what is essentially a fart scented box of death, then I have a problem. The worst part is how oblivious the lady was about it. At least if you pull shit like that, have some shame. Realize the party foul you acted out, and lower your head down or something. Jesus Christ.

Now that that’s done, back to basketball. We’re upgrading from Jim Beam to Jack Daniels now as our focus shifts from the Big West to the West Coast Conference. In the past few years, the West Coast Conference has been put on the map because of one school: Gonzaga. This year they’re already ranked a butt whooping #14 in the AP polls. They also are #1 in the polls for producing NBA players who look like sex offenders: My friends used to call the stache he sported a candy bar. I didn’t get it at the time, but now it makes perfect sense.

How does Gonzaga’s success bode for the CA teams in the WCC? Not good, man, not good.

By the way, since there are a whopping 6 teams from CA in the WCC, this will be a two parter. Tomorrow, both the remaining WCC teams and the WAC will be covered.

University of San Diego: I remember back in 2003, when USD made it to the tournament, my friends and I had a hard time deducing what school the University of San Diego was. At first we thought it was a state school, but then we found out there was a San Diego State. We then thought it was a UC, but that title was taken by UC San Diego. Thus, we became frustrated. Where the fuck is this school? That’s when we actually did some real research and Yahoo’ed it (keep in mind this was before Google and Wikipedia). Apparently, the University of San Diego is a private school located in San Diego that holds about 5,000 people. Notable alumni included Theo Epstein and Eric Musselmen. None of this really mattered though. The only thing that did matter was that they were a #13 seed, playing Stanford, and was looking forward to a colossal ass whooping. That was an easy pick for me.

Forward to 2007. Once again, predicting USD’s future is an easy task. No Big Dance, no NIT, no chance. If only everything in life were this simple.

Predicted Standing in the WCC: 8th out 8.
Predicted amount of wins: 7
Strengths: Name confusion with the marginally better San Diego St.
Weakness: Playing basketball
Tourney bid? No – coly Dokely

Pepperdine: Another ritzy private school, another bad basketball team. Where the hell is all this private school money going to if it’s not going to the athletics? It’s going to academics? That’s preposterous!

Pepperdine is from Malibu. This explains why they suck so much, because basketball belongs no where near the area. They do have one decent player in Michael Garrity, who made the WCC 2nd Team, which is pretty much equivalent to getting first place in a paper scissor rock tournament. Other than that, the kids from Malibu will have to enjoy one of their other favorite past times, like throwing wads of money at poor people not because they’re being charitable, but because they can.

Predicted Standing in the WCC: 7th out 8.
Predicted amount of wins: 9
Strengths: Old money basketball players
Weakness: New money basketball players
Tourney bid? Noooooooooooooooooooo

Loyola Marymount: I went to a little high school down in East San Jose called Mt. Pleasant High. We were no Helix High or anything because our athletics program produced squat. However, we did happen to be the alma mater for one Brandon Worthy, whom went on to become a star at LMU. He was their leading scorer and was an All Conference player. Now, back at home, my friends would always rant and rave about how B – Dubya was going to be an NBA star. Me, being the only one who thought realistically about things, had a different opinion. At the time, I wasn’t sure if they were saying it to be ridiculous or if they actually meant it. I hope it was the first option. Nonetheless, they would still debate tirelessly over why I was wrong. Skip a few years to now, and I think we know who was right. So take that bitches.

Predicted Standing in the WCC: 6th out 8.
Predicted amount of wins: 10
Strengths: They’re better than Pepperdine and USD
Weakness: They’re worse than the others
Tourney bid? Only if Jesus, and his superpowers, were on the team

Santa Clara: Now here is a team that I think has a chance to win the real top prize in the WCC (which is sadly winning the honor of losing to Gonzaga in the WCC Championship Game). Last year, Santa Clara showed some promise with some impressive wins over Stanford, Utah, and most importantly, St. Mary’s in the WCC Tournament. Santa Clara has slowly been improving, and I think this year is their year to shine. They picked up an impressive 21 wins last season, and it doesn’t hurt that they have Canada’s God on their side. And when I say Canada’s God, I mean Steve Nash.

Predicted Standing in the WCC: 2nd out 8.
Predicted amount of wins: 22
Strengths: Steve Nash’s sweat has blessed their court
Weakness: Has the sweat of a Canadian on their basketball court (unless if it’s for hockey, Canadian sweat ain’t worth shit)
Tourney bid? Probably

Coming Soon will be part 2 and the WAC attack...

The Real F the Eagles Girl

As you can tell, we have a new contributor to the mix. Thank god. I was about to get a sports blog block. Also, Ms. Automatic’s presence will hopefully appease not only the male readers out there, but also the 0.3 percent of female readers we have out there. Yee haw.

However, Ms. Automatic also posted a pic of the “F--- Da Eagles” girl. I have seen this girl on the news before, and lets just say that the photo she posted was a little unflattering. Thus, I feel it is my duty as a guy to post a few, let’s say “better” pictures of the classy Saints fan, courtesy of Maxim magazine. Now that 0.3 percent is going to drop down to just plain zero.


Ms. Auto was surprised none the less to see such a change in appearance. It’s amazing what make up, lighting, and perhaps emergency plastic surgery can do for you.

If you want to see the rest, head over to Maxim for all your bonerization needs.

Saints' Streak (Winning, not Mardi Gras)

If this is a CA sports blog, why the heck are the Saints being written about? Some of you may not give a damn about the New Orleans Saints –but mind you, Reggie Bush, who you may or may not like, is from the great San Diego. And if that isn’t substantial, do remember that the Big Easy bred JaMarcus Russell (who you may also like or dislike), the Oakland Raider’s #1 draft pick, aka the guy who’s making mad money in the millions while not playing this year, aka the guy to watch out for once he really does get on the field. On and on, this can go, about the many different reasons why New Orleans is relevant. In the end, I was born there, and Mr. KC himself gave me the opportunity to tell you that….the Saints are back!

Here’s the overview of the Saints season. They lost their first 4 games. They’ve won their last 4. Sweet victorious season, can we smell wildcard success? Well, next week, the Saints play the Rams (0-8), and if by chance we lose, I will go jump off the Berkeley Campanile, because dammit, that’s just not right to lose to a winless team. (But I wish St. Louis the best, and I sure do hope they win games sometime soon)

All the rants aside, I feel it time to applaud the man who is finally stepping his game up. He is the face of the Saints, after Reggie. He is the leader of the team. He is the quarterback with the biggest booty in the NFL.

Yes guys, I’m talking about Drew Brees.

I’m not going to go over the specifics of how he wasn’t performing this first half of the season, and I’m not going to go over his stats for the last 4 games. Go to nfl.com for that. All I know is that I am placing more hope in the Breesy than I have in Bibby (of the Sacramento Kings) for basketball. So I hope by the end of the season I don’t walk away disappointed as I usually do. And in the midst of an interesting season, I pray to the Breesy, PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE, be consistent!

I just wonder…how the hell do quarterbacks get on the field so ready to take the responsibility for the team? How do they handle the pressure? What are they saying to themselves these days, as motivation to just to keep going?

Hypothetically, I think this:

Alex Smith
(on his health): “God, I’m not 100%, but I’m still gonna play!”
(on his popularity): “Why don’t people like me? I mean, I’m a really smart guy too! Oh well, I’m smarter than everyone else on the field, AND I’ve got law schools to fall back on. So if I can’t play with them, I’m gonna sue them!”

Donovan McNabb
(on the lady’s shirt, and basically what everyone says)


“Bitches”
And like Alex Smith, “Why don’t people like me?”
(Don’t worry McNabb, I love you! And ohh….does this lady look like the grown Marsha Brady? Gone crazy?)

Michael Vick
(on everything): “Damn.”

Tom Brady
(on being a deadbeat dad): “Whoever said, “A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man,” never had the millions I have.”
(TOM BRADY, you are a bitch!)

Ben Roethlisberger
“Gotta make it to the Superbowl before something bad happens again!

Drew Brees
(on what he’s chanting when he has the ball): “Cotton candy, tootsie roll, get Saints to the Superbowl!”


Ok, who said this blog was going to be relevant? I just wanted to show some Saints spirit! Because even though most Californians don't care, I do! GO DREW BREESY!!!


-Miss Automatic.

The Super Extreme Awesome College BBall Preview: Big West, Part 2

"Get Ready in March, Big West"

Continuing this week’s college basketball extravaganza is part 2 of our Big West showcase. If you type in “sports blog big west basketball nana preview” into google, what page will show up as numero uno? No, not porn. Us! Whoo, congratulations to The Play in CA. Now we’ll have an excuse to go all Chumbawumba on everyone’s ass.

Today, the non UC teams in the Big West will get their glory. Yep, you guessed it, we went from UC’s to Cal State colleges, which is kind of like down grading from Safeway Select Soda to carbonated water with sugar in it. The only exclusion from randy bunch is Pacific who is there by default really. Too bad for them.

Pacific: In the past, the Tigers have looked pretty great, obtaining as high as a number 8 seed in the NCAA Tournament. I have a personal connection to the team because in 2006, I had picked them, a number 13 seed at the time, to be Boston College a number 4 seed at the time. They played a pretty crazy game, making it into double overtime and finally losing when Boston College decided not to dick around anymore. Still, I remember their ability to make threes on the fly. They reminded me of how the Phoenix Suns played: exciting and fun to watch, but eventually it takes you no where.

This year they’re trying to comeback from last years disappointing season where they failed to capture the Big West. A lot of “experts” will tell you that Pacific will have to wait another season until they are poised to make another Big West run, but I will tell you that a team with a winning history can work magic out of their ass. Just look at the Packers. Most of it hinges on if their young guys are ready to step it up, since they only have one senior left on their team. I think they are, but for that to happen, Coach Bob Thomason will have to pull some Bobby Knight chair throwing antics to scare his boys shitless into winning.

Predicted Standing in the Big West: 2nd out 9.

Predicted amount of wins: 21

Strengths: Young players

Weakness: Young players

Tourney bid? Eh… fitty, fitty.

CSU Fullerton: Fullerton is heavy favorite, like UC Santa Barbara, to take the Big West title this year. Senior Scott Cutley is ready to make some big plays to help Fullerton make a Big West title run. However, their leading scorer, Bobby Brown, graduated, forcing someone to step up and take his place. What a crappy name. I’m sure after watching Office Space, he felt that he and that guy named Michael Bolton were soul mates. Or I’m sure at his new job, when he takes a leak, some guy in the next stall is asking “so how’s your prerogative?” That would be classic.

Predicted Standing in the Big West: 3rd out 9.

Predicted amount of wins: 20
Strengths: Key returning starters

Weakness: Their mascot is an elephant, thus poachers

Tourney bid? Actually has a decent chance.

Cal Poly: Cal Poly seems like they are headed for the muddled middle this season. Last year they came close to the Tournament, making it to the Big West finals, but after losing two key starters, it’ll be hard for them to duplicate their success. They do have block master Titus Shelton in the mix though. His size (6-5, 250 lbs) is reminiscent of a football player, and he produced 38 blocks last year. Impressive. He also ate four children during the season as well. The media didn’t seem to mind though since it was children he consumed, not steroids.

Predicted Standing in the Big West: 5th out 9

Predicted amount of wins: 15

Strengths: Riding of success of last year

Weakness: Blandness

Tourney bid? Doubt it

Long Beach State: The champs are back! Let’s get ready to make another tournament….wait, what, all of our starters are gone? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo, we suck again! Sorry Long Beach, but it seems like you’ll have to wait another few years before tasting glory again. LBS is in full rebuilding mode. The highest scorer of the returning players (Artis Grant) only averaged 1.9 points per game. Ouch. Damn, what ever happened to recruiting? I would suggest calling up Snoop Dogg to do a few Long Beach State commercials for you. That would be bad ass, because most of the commercials schools put up for their school are pretty lame. I don’t care if you’re school has fine professors and what not; I only care about the celebrities that endorse them.

Predicted Standing in the Big West: 6th out 9.

Predicted amount of wins: 13

Strengths: Optimism

Weakness: Reality

Tourney bid? No

CSU Northridge: Not much to say. All you have to know is that they’re not going to make the tournament. And if they do, then I better head to Any Mountain to grab some snow gear, because hell will freeze over soon.

Predicted Standing in the Big West: 7th out 9.

Predicted amount of wins: 10

Strengths: …….

Weakness: Obscurity

Tourney bid? Umm, how about no.

So there you have it. Here’s a recap of the standings:
1) UC Santa Barbara

2) Pacific

3) CSU Fullerton

4) UC Irvine

5) Cal Poly

6) Long Beach State

7) CSU Northridge

8) UC Riverside

9) UC Davis

The Super Extreme Awesome College BBall Preview: Today, the Big West

With the NCAA Men’s Basketball season just weeks away, The Play in CA will present to you over the next week an extravaganza of previews for the upcoming season. We’ll be covering different conferences that have, naturally, a heavy dose of California schools. It will start with covering small and mid-major conferences (Big West, WCC, WAC), but slowly and surely we’ll build up to the big conference, the Pac-10. If the plan goes through, the build up will be orgasmic (or shrivel in impudence if we fuck up).

Today’s preview: Big West.

Oh, the Big West, California’s conference. The conference name “Big West” is really a misnomer. You have the Big East, Big Twelve, and Big Ten conference names. In those conferences, you have powerhouse schools like Ohio State, Texas, and West Virginia. And then you come to the Big West, where you have schools like Long Beach State and Cal St Northridge. Fantastic. Cal St Northridge doesn’t even sound like a school, it sounds more like a mini mall that was made by Westfield.

The Big West really is California’s conference though, as all the teams within the Big West are from California. Granted, not all of them are real schools, but hey, you win some and you lose some. Since there are so many Cal teams in this conference, this conference preview will be a two parter. I know that spending two blogs on the Big West is like sending CNN to cover a story about a dog that got his tongue stuck on ice to a frozen pipe, but what can you do? The hit count will go from a whopping 15 hits a day to a devastating 14. This post will cover the UCs, the next one will cover the others. Thus, let’s have a lookie lookie to see what the conference has to offer this year:

UC Davis: This is the first year that Davis will play in Division I, which is great for them. Apparently, though, this isn’t good enough. Some, not all, but some students began to clamor that Davis belongs in the Pac-10 after some of their wins over Stanford in football. Oh you silly Davis kids, you. First of all, A) that’s football, and B) beating Stanford in football a few years ago is like beating up a blind man…….. who is retarded. Now I know not all Aggies are that boneheaded, (they go to Davis after all, not Riverside), but seriously. Play UCLA in basketball or something. After Davis gets decimated by a team like the Bruins, they’ll know how it’s like to get kicked in the nuts.

On the basketball side of things, the Aggies do have a top high school recruit in Adam Malik, but I just pointed this out to give them some hope. In reality, the team doesn’t have much else to offer. Top scorer Vince Oliver is back, but what’s also back is the fact that he made less than 40 percent of the shots he made. Shit.


Predicted Standing in the Big West: 9th out 9.
Predicted amount of wins: 6 (one more than last year, hooray!)
Strengths: Fan enthusiasm
Weakness: The basketball team
Tourney bid? Hell nah.


UC Riverside: Sorry, Riverside, but it also looks like you’ll be having a Davis kind of season. Riverside does have a new coach, former Kansas State coach Jim Wooldridge, but a new coach can only do so much. The roster for Riverside is rather jumbled, with no positions really set yet. The last time Riverside has made the tournament was, um never. Don’t worry though, they’ll be celebrating in 2085 when they finally get a chance to play in the play-in-game.

Predicted Standing in the Big West: 8th out 9.
Predicted amount of wins: 10 (if they’re lucky)
Strengths: New coach
Weakness: Apathy
Tourney bid? Hell nizzo.

UC Irvine: Finally a UC with some potential (and by potential, I mean not competing for last place). Irvine actually has a decent chance to win the Big West title, but the chance is only marginal. Chad DeCasas will be the big shooter priming them for some miracle threes. I see Irvine as somewhat of a wildcard in the Big West. They have strong defensive front, leading the Big West in blocks last year, but they’re offense is less than stellar. It’s hard to say where they’ll place, so I’ll just say somewhere in the middle because that’s the best inconsistency will bring you.

Predicted Standing in the Big West: 4th out of 9.
Predicted amount of wins: 15
Strengths: Defense
Weakness: Offense
Tourney bid? Better luck next year.

UC Santa Barbara: Santa Barbara has the key elements to make it to the Big Dance. Let’s just hope they don’t fuck it up, as their main weakness is often over hype. On paper, though, they look good. They have key rebounders Chris Devine and Ivan Elliot, and four of their five starters from last year around. If they do make a run to the tournament, they may even be a Cinderella team. But like I said, they have a tendency to mess their own shit up as last year they seemed primed make a run too.

Predicted Standing in the Big West: 1st out of 9.
Predicted amount of wins: 21
Strengths: Rebounding
Weakness: Can’t pull the trigger syndrome
Tourney bid? Um, yes?

Well that’s part 1, keep your eyes peeled for part 2 down the road.

Joe Torre, Part 2: Suck It, Yankees

Obviously the biggest news of the week in the California sports worlds is the arrival of Joe Torre. He’ll be trading his New York crassness with Los Angeles snootiness. Thus, in honor of this celebration, The Play in Ca is going to present a special two day, weekend special covering this momentous event.

It’s currently half time of Superbowl 41 ½, and it looks like Peyton Manning and his constipation face seem to have one up on Tom “Impregnate the Lady” Brady. But, as we all know about big games like these, the score at the half means absolutely zero. In these types of games, all that matters is the fourth quarter. It’s like those game shows where the last round is worth ten times the first rounds, making them absolutely useless. I’m personally rooting for the Patriots simply because of my hatred for Peyton Manning. Sure, your commercials are pretty funny, but you’re still an ass in real life. Oh, and that whole Marky Mark pants dropping impersonation, not funny, you ass clown.

I must say though, that the game has been rather anti climactic for all the ESPN ball licking hype it has received. I mean 7-13? That’s it. I was expecting gaudy stats from both the offense and defense. I wanted Peyton and Tom to have 5 TD passes each and the defense to have 5 picks at this point. Oh well, can’t have it all. The only thing I have left going for me is the eventual post game blow up. If the Patriots lose, I can’t wait to see Randy Moss go Terrell Owens over the New England area. And if the Colts lose, I can’t wait for Tony Dungy to lose his nice guy demeanor throw a few bottles of Jack at the press. That would be bad ass, Tony.

What I can’t believe though is that no one made a big deal about Superbowl 41 ¼, the Falcons versus the Niners. I kid, I kid.

The Indy, New England game has been building hype all year, but there’s already another hype that ESPN is conjuring as we speak: New York versus Los Angeles. That’s right, they’re already starting to shove the whole Torre versus his old team angle down our throats. And you thought that this would be another football post!

I kind of found the portrait this article paints of Californians little east coast biased. Naturally, they paint us as laid back surfer types. It even states Los Angeles as a “laid back” town. I guess a city is pretty tame if it allows Paris Hilton to run wild on the streets and thinks that Angelina Jolie is a savior for taking Southeast Asian kids from their homes and strips them of their culture by giving them metrosexual American names. (I forgive her though, because she’s hot.) I would say that New York and Los Angeles are pretty even on levels corruption.

I also find it kind of odd that there is a “Yankees – Dodgers” rivalry considering they don’t even play in the same league. But I guess Jayson Stark’s east coast ass is just trying to start shit with us, and you know what I say to him. Bring it, bitch.

Considering A-Rod may be leaving New York soon, rumor has it that he might be coming to the Dodgers. Oh, what a bitch slap to the face of the Yankees that would be. I would personally revel in it. Early I made a complaint about Boston Red Sox fans. You know who else is as douchebaggy as them? Yankee fans. The two are like two separate groups of the same asshole. The main difference is that Yankee fans believe they are more high brow than Boston fans. Well guess what, you’re both retarded.

Story wise, there’s not really much else to say about the Torre signing. His publicist said he has “Thirteen million reasons to be happy.” His publicist also happens to be Kim Etheredge. Once again, I kid, I kid.

Joe Torre is Coming to Los Angeles, Part 1

Obviously the biggest news of the week in the California sports worlds is the arrival of Joe Torre. He’ll be trading his New York crassness with Los Angeles snootiness. Thus, in honor of this celebration, The Play in Ca is going to present a special two day, weekend special covering this momentous event.

When I first thought about it, Torre coming to Los Angeles kind of reminded me of that scene in “Welcome to the Jungle” where Axl Rose gets off the bus as a naïve Indiana boy and leaves as a bad ass and enough hairspray in his hair to kill 75 percent of the ozone layer. Al Gore would have shat in his pants. The only difference between Joe and Axl is that Joe isn’t a douchebag and doesn’t spend his time getting beaten up by Tommy Hilfiger. If anything, Joe would have been Slash, because Slash is just cool like that.

However, upon further review, his situation more or less reminded me of the guys from Nip Tuck. In Nip Tuck, the guys make the move from Miami to Los Angeles, setting their eyes on fixing up stars who wish to relive their illustrious past. In this case, those stars are the Los Angeles Dodgers. Joe’s here to give the team a facelift, in the theoretical sense, maybe literal. Also, he has the personality that resembles the stars of the show. He’s like hybrid of the two. He tries to keep it a little moral like Dr. McNamara, but isn’t against four ways with Los Angeles’s hottest. (Okay, I have no fact to back up the last statement, but the man is only human).

In fact Los Angeles is right up Joe’s alley. He’s moving from big city to big city. The only difference is instead of being around “Old Money” people who occasionally has a line of coke or two; he’s around Hollywood stars who occasionally do lines of coke. Only now he has to deal with fake liberalism, party girls, and an occasional awkward Pauly Shore run in.

This made me think once he starts schmoozing with Hollywood’s finest, he could actually use his celebrity to get some parts in a movie or T.V. show. But what parts could he play? Well, lucky for you, I took the liberty of naming some roles perfect for Mr. Torre. Enjoy! And get ready for part 2 tomorrow:

Michael Scott – The Office

Stanley Hudson (White version) – The Office

Tony D’Amato – Any Given Sunday

John Locke – Lost

Tom Booker – The Horse Whisperer

Coach Klein – The Waterboy

Lou Brown – Major League

Randy Marsh – South Park in the episode “The Losing Edge”

Jim Harbaugh, Before the Game

"Huskies, more like the Suckskies. Haha! I made a funny."

Fuck yeah! What has two thumbs and is totally ready to kick some Washington ass this Saturday?

Points his two thumbs to himself.

This guy, that’s what. Man, that line was awesome. I wish someone was here right now so they could give me a high five. Damnit! Where is my boy Pritchard when I need him? Kid throws a game winning touchdown, and all of a sudden he becomes too busy getting poon to give old Jimmy a high five. Maybe Kimble is up for the task.

Looks around and sees that his office is empty.

Fuck! No one is around! Oh, wait, I have an awesome idea.

Goes to the bathroom and stands in front of a mirror. High fives his reflection.

That’s better! Screw Pritchard, I don’t need his high fives. A Harbaugh to Harbaugh connection is the only way to do high fives around here. I’m so awesome. Wait, how can I top that? I know!

Gives a high ten to his reflection.

Right on man! And might I add that you’re looking mighty fine today. Of course you’re only the second most attractive guy in this room right now. A Jim Harbaugh reflection pales in comparison to the real deal. All right handsome, I’ll catch you later.

Walks back to the office.

Okay, so time to start planning out what strategies I should bust out against the Huskies. Hmm. Should I concentrate on small conservative passes…. how should I stop… well the Huskies have a great … is Kimble ready for…. should I set up some screen passes for…. Fuck! Why is this coaching stuff so damn confusing?? Ditka never made things this difficult when I was with the Bears and he was coaching me. In fact, he never told me anything. I just used to go out there and do my thing. Only losers get told what to do, and I’m no loser. I’m Jim Harbaugh, passing icon of the 90’s. Kids don’t remember Marino or Young when they think of the 90’s; they only remember one name, Captain Mother Fuckin’ Comeback.

Actually, I think that’s what I’ll just tell Tavita to do. I’ll let the kid go crazy. He can choose the plays and the calls to make. If he’s anything like me, by the end of the game, he’ll have lead Stanford to a glorious comeback in which we were down 71 pts, because that’s the kind of shit that I did in the NFL.

Man, I don’t even know why we’re playing a game this Saturday. I don’t think the Cardinal has anything else to prove. We beat USC. As I recall, I said USC was the greatest team in college history, and guess what, turd nuggets? We beat them. Therefore, that makes us the greatest team in college history. Where’s my fucking trophy for that accomplishment? I saw the trophy that people get for winning the BCS National Championship. A football shaped crystal. Big fucking deal. For being the greatest team in college history, I think they should make a giant statue, of me, with a cape on, and the words “Greatest Coach in History….Fuck Yeah!” engraved in the center. It should be huge too, probably taking up most of East Palo Alto. They say the only man made object you can see from space is the Great Wall of China. Well, if they made this statue, it would be the only thing that you could touch from space. Only something that huge can represent my coaching brilliance.

I hear the guy that is coaching Washington is looking forward to this game. Apparently he used to work here, but we all know the real reason why he’s looking forward to this game. At the end of the game, after we win 73-71 by scoring 73 points in the fourth quarter, he gets to shake my hand. That’s right, he gets to shake hands with a demi god. Maybe if he’s lucky, some of my coaching superpowers will transfer to him. I hope it doesn’t though. His body won’t be able to handle the power of my greatness. I’m pretty sure his head would explode, and that would totally suck because blood stains are hard to get off.

Man all this strategizing has really pooped me out. Time to hit the sofa for a nap. Maybe I’ll have a dream. Usually, I dream about me lying in bed with all the rich Stanford moms by my side. Oh wait, that’s a typical Thursday for me. You know why? Because I’m Jim Mother Fuckin’ Harbaugh. Get it? Hahaha, time to give myself another high five.

Tomorrow... Joe Torre in Escape from New York, Entering Los Angeles

A Photo Recap of Yesterday

With all the fun you had smashing pumpkins and taking candy from babies, you might have overlooked what was going on in the sports world. So here are some pictures of all the cool things you might have missed out on:

Happy Halloween Hangover!